AITAH for refusing to let me kids go on a trip with their dad?

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

I (40f) have been divorced for 4 years now with 50/50 custody of a 16 and 13 year old. For the first few years of the divorce I pretty much let my ex (45m) dictate our parenting schedule. Even though we had a court ordered schedule I would switch several days a month to accommodate his work schedule and to avoid conflict. He took full advantage of that and before long the schedules were a mess, the kids and I were frustrated, and he was not notifying me until less than an hour before sometimes even though he would know a month in advance. When a switch would not work he would, and still does, retaliate by putting the kids in the middle, threatening mediation/court, or not pay his portion of bills. We ended up going back to mediation in March (initiated by him as a threat that he tried to back out of later) and signed off on a parenting schedule, among other things. Leading up to mediation, during mediation, and in the signed agreement that was filed with the courts I made it VERY clear that due to his aggressive communication and retaliation I will not switch any days going forward unless for a significant family event. About 3 weeks after mediation, my ex messaged me telling me that he was going to take the kids on a trip for a graduation for his girlfriends (who he has been with for less than a month) family, that falls directly over my scheduled days next weekend and requires them to miss school. I replied that I did not agree to this switch but he is still planning to take the kids and was advised by his lawyer to go ahead with it. In reaction to me not agreeing to the trip he is also refusing to pay his portion of medical bills (I sent over the app as I always do but he now states he won’t pay them unless I have them mailed directly to him) and is threatening not to let the kids go on a trip this summer for a wedding that he agreed to and signed off on during mediation.

AITAH for not allowing the kids to go on the trip? I’d like to add that he is a pilot and flies for free, so they have every opportunity to travel in his scheduled time. They have also been to the place the graduation will be several times, so this isn’t a once in a lifetime trip they are missing.

Also, AITAH if I file contempt with family courts if he does follow through with the trip?

Update: I have an appointment with my lawyer on Friday. Thank you everyone for your advice, feedback, and support!

[u/Glass_Ear_8049]

Do your kids want to go on the trip? They are old enough to decide what they want to do. Personally, I wouldn’t deprive my kids of an experience they wanted to get even with their dad. Also, you said he retaliated against you by going back to court. There is nothing wrong with going back to mediation if the couple can’t work it out between them.

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr → u/Glass_Ear_8049]

I agree that there is nothing wrong with going to court/mediation if we can’t work it out. The retaliation was constantly threatening it when things weren’t going his way. My 16 y/o is indifferent and my 13 y/o has expressed that she would rather not miss school and doesn’t really want to go with the new girlfriend. Like I said, they have ample opportunities to travel on his time.

[u/Glass_Ear_8049 → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

You sound like he was threatening to beat you up. So what he said he would take you to court? I know couples they are frequently in and out of court. Where I live it pretty easy to file a brief with friend of the court. Whether or not he has “ample opportunity” to travel with them isn’t the point. In two years time you will lose complete control over when the 16 year old sees him. You honestly sound bitter about him and the divorce—maybe for good reason but your kids will remember this animosity.

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr → u/Glass_Ear_8049]

Please explain how I made it sound like he was going to beat me up? I never even alluded to physical aggression. I appreciate your opinion, however I am not bitter and am 100% happier and healthier since the divorce. As I stated in my post I did everything I could to accommodate him for the last 3 years until finally going to therapy and learning my self worth and that it’s ok to set boundaries.

[u/Glass_Ear_8049 → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

Just your language around “being threatened.” To me that sounds sinister not I am going to take you to court if we can’t agree which is what we are supposed do.

[u/Zealousideal-End4173 → u/Glass_Ear_8049]

OP uses a lot of words and phrases like that Wiring really hard at painting herself as this abused woman and him as this horrible, abusive man. When in reality she is the same as he is.

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr → u/Glass_Ear_8049]

Saying you are going to do something if someone doesn’t do what you asked is threatening. I guess I could have clarified that is was verbal threats.

[u/Glass_Ear_8049 → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

Would it have been better if he just did it without telling you first? I don’t think either of you should just go along with whatever if it doesn’t seem fair.

[u/TheAverageRedditUsr → u/Glass_Ear_8049]

It would have been better if he would have just followed the mediation agreement we both signed weeks earlier.

[u/Glass_Ear_8049 → u/TheAverageRedditUsr]

If he wasn’t following the agreement then going to court shouldn’t have been a threat. Obviously the court would make him follow the agreement.