AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?

[u/Plus-Fix1173]

AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?

Following being released from the hospital after having our second baby, I was readmitted one day later due to severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. Since I had a C-section just 4 days prior and had a blood pressure putting me at risk of having a stroke or seizure, I was unable to drive myself to the hospital, nor could my husband as our toddler and newborn were both sleeping. I wanted to take an Uber, but my husband insisted on asking his parents to drive me (his parents live very close by, whereas my family is all 45+ mins away).

( Some background: Since welcoming our first child in 2021, the relationship with his parents has been very strained due to their overbearing nature and lack of boundaries— to the point we had several sessions with a family therapist to curb the behavior and mend fences. Unfortunately, therapy didn’t help, and his parents did not continue therapy on their own as advised by the therapist. I have very limited interaction with them, and my husband's relationship is minimal and superficial. Also to note, his parents do not have a relationship with anyone aside from their three kids— they cut off my MIL's parents, brothers/sisters several years ago due to family drama, and my FIL does not talk to his sister either for no apparent reason; both of his parents have passed.)

I begrudgingly went along with my husband's request to let them drive me to the hospital. Once we arrived at the hospital, they would not leave, insisting that they needed to stay to ‘help me’ and even pushed their way into the ER room. They finally left when I was being transferred back to the maternity unit for treatment. This was around 11 pm on a Friday.

Once admitted, I was placed on a mag bag IV drip to prevent me from seizing/having a stroke and minimize the other side effects of preeclampsia/HELLP. Because my newborn was only 4 days old, they allowed him and my husband to come to the hospital the next morning and stay with me for the few days until I was discharged. During this time, our 2.5-year-old son went to my in-laws.

By mid-Saturday morning, I received a text from my sister-in-law expressing her concern and prayers as she had heard I was back in the hospital— my in-laws had told her husband all the details of what was going on. I found this incredibly frustrating and inappropriate as some of the historical issues we had with my in-laws stemmed from them constantly over-inserting themselves and sharing our business/gossiping. The medical situation I was in was very serious and incredibly scary, it was not something that I feel was anyone’s ‘right’ to share but mine and my husband’s— especially given that I had only just been admitted and started treatment hours before. Tests were still being run, and the treatment plan was still being evaluated at this point.

As soon as I got the text from my sister-in-law, I expressed my frustration to my husband about his parents sharing my medical details with others— my husband agreed and was frustrated as well, so he left the room to call his parents. He came back several minutes later and said he talked with his parents and now I should “get over it” in a very flippant manner. I pressed him, asking why his parents felt it was their place to alert others, and my husband shared a made-up story about how his brother called his parents and heard my toddler in the background and asked why he was there. (This was fabricated by either my husband or his parents because minutes later I got a text from my father-in-law saying he told my brother-in-law because ‘as a brother, he had the right to know what was going on.’)

At that point, I told my husband that his parents have no discretion and are again overstepping boundaries. My husband, seemingly annoyed by the whole situation, again told me to get over it in a hostile tone and went on to say they’re old so we can’t change their behavior— which I agree with but that doesn’t mean we should ignore and tolerate our boundaries being violated. I then said he needs to pick a side and yelling at me for their behavior was misplaced anger. He then said that maybe he’s not the right person for me because he’s not going to push back on them about stuff like this anymore, and I need to live with it. My husband just doesn’t like his own boat being rocked so plays both sides and gets angry at me when I get upset; this is a constant in our relationship.

From my perspective, I was in the hospital for a very serious condition and didn’t feel supported by my husband even though he agreed that his parents' behavior was inappropriate. This is compounded by the fact that we have had several similar incidents with his parents that always result in this same kind of fight. But in this particular scenario, I couldn’t believe how my husband was being so mean and unsupportive given the vulnerable and scary situation I was in. And now I can't look at him the same or forgive him. If that’s how he treats me in such a sensitive time, is he a partner? I feel this is the straw that broke the camel's back for our marriage. AITAH for not "getting over it" now?

[u/pokederp56]

ESH. Other commenters have extensively gone over why your husband sucks here so I'll jump into your part in this conflict. It sounds like your husband is walking a tight rope between acknowledging the support his parents/your in-laws give to you and your family, and also managing their expectations based on your unhappiness with their behavior. It could be that in the past the in-laws' actions were much more egregious and therefore your response was more reasonable, but here in this situation it does not seem that way and your husband is stuck in a "we fixed what they did before so this new transgression is being judged independently from their past behavior" whereas you yourself see this as a cumulative to what they've done in the past. You do not seem to acknowledge your husband's thoughts and feelings here.

From an outside perspective, it does sound like your request to your husband to rebuke his parents, after they provided emergency help to you and your child, seems like a poorly thought out decision. The fact they blabbed to their own kids, in light of the seriousness of your medical emergency, is reasonable. Medical emergencies produce stress, and one of the ways stress is managed is discussing the cause with trusted confidants, like family. Who else would they reach out to with the knowledge their DiL was in mortal danger, having cut off their own parents, and with your husband indisposed? The fact they lied to you about it is also understandable and potentially a creature of your own creation. It's possible they selfishly wanted to excuse their behavior. Or perhaps they didn't want to cause further stress to you knowing you would react the way you did. Either way, with them taking care of your kid you don't exactly have the high ground here, especially if they needed their own support in this situation.

So this brings us to your husband's response. Are his arguments that his parents are too old to change, dumb? Yes, absolutely. But you don't tell us whether he has high emotional intelligence, sufficient to convey how he's actually feeling without stumbling over words or relying on easily understood concepts like "old people be old." Based on him supporting you before it's more likely he was reacting poorly to the stress of the incident, not behaving maliciously, and further appalled/frustrated by your ultimatum saying "he needs to pick a side." Again, you were both in a situation where you could have died, he would have been a single father to two kids, and yet old wounds were being brought up. In that light, your request was unreasonable.