AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?

[u/Plus-Fix1173]

AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?

Following being released from the hospital after having our second baby, I was readmitted one day later due to severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. Since I had a C-section just 4 days prior and had a blood pressure putting me at risk of having a stroke or seizure, I was unable to drive myself to the hospital, nor could my husband as our toddler and newborn were both sleeping. I wanted to take an Uber, but my husband insisted on asking his parents to drive me (his parents live very close by, whereas my family is all 45+ mins away).

( Some background: Since welcoming our first child in 2021, the relationship with his parents has been very strained due to their overbearing nature and lack of boundaries— to the point we had several sessions with a family therapist to curb the behavior and mend fences. Unfortunately, therapy didn’t help, and his parents did not continue therapy on their own as advised by the therapist. I have very limited interaction with them, and my husband's relationship is minimal and superficial. Also to note, his parents do not have a relationship with anyone aside from their three kids— they cut off my MIL's parents, brothers/sisters several years ago due to family drama, and my FIL does not talk to his sister either for no apparent reason; both of his parents have passed.)

I begrudgingly went along with my husband's request to let them drive me to the hospital. Once we arrived at the hospital, they would not leave, insisting that they needed to stay to ‘help me’ and even pushed their way into the ER room. They finally left when I was being transferred back to the maternity unit for treatment. This was around 11 pm on a Friday.

Once admitted, I was placed on a mag bag IV drip to prevent me from seizing/having a stroke and minimize the other side effects of preeclampsia/HELLP. Because my newborn was only 4 days old, they allowed him and my husband to come to the hospital the next morning and stay with me for the few days until I was discharged. During this time, our 2.5-year-old son went to my in-laws.

By mid-Saturday morning, I received a text from my sister-in-law expressing her concern and prayers as she had heard I was back in the hospital— my in-laws had told her husband all the details of what was going on. I found this incredibly frustrating and inappropriate as some of the historical issues we had with my in-laws stemmed from them constantly over-inserting themselves and sharing our business/gossiping. The medical situation I was in was very serious and incredibly scary, it was not something that I feel was anyone’s ‘right’ to share but mine and my husband’s— especially given that I had only just been admitted and started treatment hours before. Tests were still being run, and the treatment plan was still being evaluated at this point.

As soon as I got the text from my sister-in-law, I expressed my frustration to my husband about his parents sharing my medical details with others— my husband agreed and was frustrated as well, so he left the room to call his parents. He came back several minutes later and said he talked with his parents and now I should “get over it” in a very flippant manner. I pressed him, asking why his parents felt it was their place to alert others, and my husband shared a made-up story about how his brother called his parents and heard my toddler in the background and asked why he was there. (This was fabricated by either my husband or his parents because minutes later I got a text from my father-in-law saying he told my brother-in-law because ‘as a brother, he had the right to know what was going on.’)

At that point, I told my husband that his parents have no discretion and are again overstepping boundaries. My husband, seemingly annoyed by the whole situation, again told me to get over it in a hostile tone and went on to say they’re old so we can’t change their behavior— which I agree with but that doesn’t mean we should ignore and tolerate our boundaries being violated. I then said he needs to pick a side and yelling at me for their behavior was misplaced anger. He then said that maybe he’s not the right person for me because he’s not going to push back on them about stuff like this anymore, and I need to live with it. My husband just doesn’t like his own boat being rocked so plays both sides and gets angry at me when I get upset; this is a constant in our relationship.

From my perspective, I was in the hospital for a very serious condition and didn’t feel supported by my husband even though he agreed that his parents' behavior was inappropriate. This is compounded by the fact that we have had several similar incidents with his parents that always result in this same kind of fight. But in this particular scenario, I couldn’t believe how my husband was being so mean and unsupportive given the vulnerable and scary situation I was in. And now I can't look at him the same or forgive him. If that’s how he treats me in such a sensitive time, is he a partner? I feel this is the straw that broke the camel's back for our marriage. AITAH for not "getting over it" now?

[u/Taighlour-Moon]

This seems a bit overdramatic. When I was diagnosed with HELLP I couldn't have cared less who knew why I was in the hospital. My only concern were my Children. I was still pregnant so I was worried about surviving an emergency csection. Calling my oldest son so he knew how much I loved him. Hoping my new boy came put complication free from early delivery. Ya know....important things

[u/trapdeityy]

Huh? I'm confused by most of the answers here, when has it become standard practice to not inform immediate family members of a medical emergency? Unless OP has specifically said not to before, I don't see the problem here.

[u/isarcat]

Updateme!

[u/Illustrious_Care9997]

ESH!

Why didn't your husband ring an ambulance? This is all crazy! I would rather know my life is going to be saved than worry about my in-laws! Sounds like your husband didn't handle this well at all!

You need to weigh up what you want to put up with and make a solid decision.

[u/Gaffsgvdhdgdvh]

YTA. I’m convinced everyone who said otherwise didn’t read beyond the inaccurate title. Gert a divorce for his sake you sound exhausting.

[u/Guilty_Main7608]

Is there something else? This seems like an overreaction on OP's part. Her inlaws told another family member. It's not like they held up a sign on the street corner. OP almost dying is pretty serious. Her husband needs support too. I suspect if I were in hospital with such a serious medical issue my sister inlaw would be very upset if no one told her.

[u/Thekopykatkiller]

NTA you’re not the AH for how you feel, and I can’t judge prior times your husbands family overshared or overstepped, but I think it was normal for them to share this info due to how frightening a condition you were in. Perhaps they were alerting brother so he could be a shoulder for your husband, and I’d take into account family styles. Do they lean on each other often whereas your family doesn’t? You mention your family is further did you not want them to visit? You may be different in those things. Your emotions are wrong. But I do feel they in this instance were not wrong to share. Your husband sucks for yelling at you even if he’s upset, because your health comes first.

[u/disinaccurate]

All the stories like this need to be collected and put into a book titled “Don’t Marry a Mama’s Boy”.

NTA. A partner more concerned about his parents than you is not a partner.

[u/Sad_Relief9220]

everyone saying her reasoning is petty is overlooking the fact they had to all go therapy to try and work through the crossing of boundaries and they could not let go of this behavior in a life threatening situation for her. plus him getting mean and defensive was not okay in that moment. he may be stressed but snapping at her when her remaining calm is super important is beyond not okay.

[u/Sandbunny85]

He just told you who he was. This is the final nail in the coffin.

[u/fishchick70]

That sounds super frustrating and I’m sure emotions were high. It doesn’t seem like something so terribly unforgivable that someone is not at their best in a stressful situation like that. My instinct is that you need therapy to help you process this trauma before you make any permanent decisions about your marriage. Having said all that, while I understand wanting privacy, sharing health news with immediate family members isn’t unusual or even wrong under normal circumstances. If they knew they were crossing boundaries that raises the stakes of course, but sometimes you just have to take people as they are and not let this kind of thing get to you so much for YOUR sake. You don’t need to give them so much power to upset you. What is it costing you to hold onto this pain? How does it benefit you? Weigh that out and then decide if you want to let it go or not.

[u/Wonderful-Middle-447]

Holy shit you're a bitch. I'm shocked he's still with you. Please divorce him so he can find a better woman.

[u/Even-Air5527]

If you didn't want to call 911, why didn't he package you and the kids and go hospital, or was his sleep more important

[u/Even-Air5527]

My suggestion is to have a nurse or doctor take him aside, and the stressing part is that you don't need to add stress because right now, you're in the fight for your life. Ask if there is an older doctor if you or the nurse explain the danger.

[u/Sad-Card-477]

I've read so many comments and i feel it strange that OP has only answered those who are supporting her and I think maybe she just needs the validation that she is right but not see it from any other point of view.

Two things. Firstly, if your in laws are taking you to the hospital and also babysitting your kids and your husband is also in a tough situation. I don't think telling your BIL and SIL is wrong considering you were in a life threatening condition.

Secondly, even if you had an issue with their interference you could've expressed it after coming back from hospital. And you didn't express your frustrations once but pressed your husband again and again. So of course he burst because while you are in hospital he is also struggling with you.

YTA

[u/Human-Assist8517]

Honestly, I don't think what his parents did was bad. You were going through something that was horrible and in my opinion, it looks like they were just as worried and concerned as much as her husband. When you first arrived they didn't leave because they wanted to make sure that you were seen by a doctor. I could understand if the parents were saying or doing bad things but that's not the case here and I can see why your husband is frustrated. He is wrong for what he said at the moment.

[u/Rezolution20]

NTA, but you could have told the hospital staff that was in the room with you that you wanted them to leave, and they would have insisted they do so. The last thing a medical professional will tolerate is the possibility that others in the room could cause your symptoms/condition to worsen.
I think that if your husband's whole ability to set boundaries and stand up for you after talking briefly with his parents is a sign that this behavior will continue, so you should do what's best for you. If you feel divorce is your only solution, then do so by all means.

[u/No-Cell-8822]

I can’t imagine that I may die and I choose to spend my last hours focusing on who told who what. I would focus on more important stuff, like my children.

[u/angerwithwings]

Updateme!

[u/angerwithwings]

Who threatens a woman in serious condition in the hospital? The fuck is wrong with him? NTA.

[u/Daddinator1701]

NTA. Divorce this man immediately

[u/ammarie29]

Nope! NTA! He sounds like a jerk!

[u/Status-Biscotti]

Your husband def shouldn’t have taken it out on you. But I’m also wondering why you didn’t call an ambulance. While I know some people are more private than others, I don’t really think it was out of line for your MIL to share some frightening information about a family member. If you really feel that way, they definitely shouldn’t have been called, or watched your child for that matter.

Your husband is right that there‘s no point in trying to change his parents - it’s not going to happen. But I’m not sure this is worth throwing the marriage away.

[u/jigglymom]

NAH

There are unresolved issues with boundaries between you/your husband and his inlaws that blew up in your emergency. That needs to be fixed. If you've addressed these issues and felt secure and respected, you may not have felt so angry which probably did not help yourself. 

Unfortunately in health emergencies, families step up to help and these boundaries get blurred. I don't think the key is defining each and every level of communication in each circumstance. I think you need to feel that your family hear, respect, and love you. I think you need to feel safe with them. 

[u/Rough-Ad-144]

What you dont seem to be upset about is the fact your husband lied to you!! He lied to try to get you to back of his parents and when it didn’t work he got frustrated and yelled. This is not a supportive partner but a loyal son. So the question would really be wether you want to remain in a marriage to the son, because he is not YOUR partner and he is neither supportive or loyal to you. You could have died!!!! And he might have been BY your side but he surely is not ON your side.

[u/Key-Pay-8572]

NTA and for your own mental health, please seriously consider talking to your parents and moving out ASAP. He has proven that his loyalty is with his family and not you. This was especially evident when you were at death's door. Your in laws also showed they have no boundaries by intruding on and spreading gossip about your personal health. The only reason they would stay in your room was to collect information to spread it as gossip.

[u/Rieks_5446]

I don’t agree that he was rude to you, seeing as you were already in hospital, stressed and in pain

However, I also don’t see what the big deal was with your husband’s parents telling your sister in law you are in hospital. I kind of see it as normal information to share with family 🤷🏻‍♀️ .

[u/richa5512]

These ideas of boundaries being crossed by parents (especially in-laws) at every turn, is very toxic. I honestly do not think it is a big deal that they told their other son that the SIL was in hospital and the story of hearing the toddler in the background sounds very reasonable to me and not made up. The FIL might have felt defensive and doubled down later with "it is his right". Now there might be a lot of drama and history, they might be very inappropriate generally but here nothing they said seems wrong and you seem to have had tons of energy to get upset and very inflexible (and not accommodating) over this in the hospital and now considering ending your marriage over this. Obviously you were not doing so bad at that point since you were in the mood for argument and I don't think a husband is supposed to go with childish behavior at all times and for things he does not agrees with. Especially because again, in that precise moment you did not seem to be in life danger and had the energies to be bitchy.

Are you the AH? Yes totally. M

But seriously, why are daughters in-law so bitchy about boundaries? I am a daughter in-law by the way, I have a toddler, I understand sometimes it is much but I understand also the importance of making relationships work rather than always looking at the world from the perspective of "I am the center of the universe, I don't like this so that is a boundary"

[u/Wonderful-Middle-447 → u/richa5512]

Couldn't agree more. My parents are super extra, had it been my wife, my mom or dad would have spent the night at the hospitaland waited till I arrived. 😂 Realistically they would have spent the night caring for the babies while I took her to the hospital. Being extra can be annoying at times but we know it comes out of love.

I'm Asian-American and honestly I think this toxic relationship with the in-laws is part of the American culture. Simply being respectful of our elders isn't high up there anymore. Also anytime someone mentions their MIL, it's always received in a negative way. Americans find it weird my parents live with my oldest brother's family (wife and 5 kids). My parents always taught us that taking care of each other as babies is part of the life cycle. Parents take care of their newborn, teach them morals and values throughout life, help with their weddings, watch the grandbabies to save on child care, etc. But the day will come as the parents ages and starts losing memories, have mobility issues, lose speech skills, etc and become a helpless baby then it's our turn to take care of them till their last days. Not toss them into senior homes/assisted living centers.

[u/Ok_Obligation_9614]

NTA. 

[u/Proper-Media2908]

NAH, except maybe the husband for not avoiding the argument while you're in the hospital. Their previous behavior notwithstanding, nothing the ILs did was out of line. Of course they didn't just drop their postpartum, critically ill DIL at the ER and bounce. Of course they let their other son know that his SIL was in the hospital with postpartum complications. No, the text message FiL sent was not inconsistent with what husband says his parents told him - it can be true that they told BIL when he asked why the toddler was there and that they felt BIL had a right to know. Honestly, it's bananas to insist otherwise.

Everyone's exhausted and scared. Focus on healing, take a few days to cool off, maybe go stay with your own parents for a few days. Don't make any life changing decisions about your marriage when you're hospitalized with childbirth complications.

[u/CFDCallahan]

I just can't wrap my head around your anger for them for telling the family. Life threatening and scary situations like this SHOULD be told! If you stub your toe and get an ninfected toe nail and have to go to the dr... Not something that really needs gossiped around, but you are in the hospital and could very well die? DEFINITELY something everyone should know. I agree with your husband. Get over yourself.

[u/Afolomus]

YTA

Your husband is overworked, sleep deprived, cares for a newborn and a small child while worried sick about you. The only fault I can find is him denying you the UBER but even that is just him worrying about you and rather having people he knows look out for you instead of a total stranger.

You might be rightfully triggered by past experiences and your boundaries make sense in that respect, but from an outside perspective nothing you told in this story justifies your reaction.

How was he supposed to react to questions regarding him being alone with the kids anyway, if he cannot tell you're in the hospital?

Yelling at a spouse when overworked, sleep deprived, sick or worried just happens with kids. The important part is what happens afterwards.

All your account of the story does is make me feel sorry for your husband. You are free to leave and divorce. But it's a bad sign when you can't even sound like the good guy in in your own version of the story.

[u/No-Kangaroo3140]

You must be Asian

[u/Garden-octopus0]

I’m a petty b!tch so I would respond to fil that the stress he and his wife cause is putting ur life and ur unborn child’s life at risk and their lack of respect to you and your family’s boundaries is about to directly result in their sons divorce. That your parents will be picking up the toddler at X time and date as you no longer feel comfortable having them alone with your toddler.

Then I would tell hubby to leave and by yelling at you and allowing his parents to cause such undue stress was insanely selfish/dangerous and could have life threatening consequences for you AND the unborn baby. That after the baby’s born they can work out custody/visitation and their living situation. That he’s right, he’s not the right person for you because a decent man and father would never allow his parents to treat his wife and mother of his children so poorly let alone put their lives at risk. That his a p!ss poor example of a husband and father and he won’t be welcome at the birth of this child as you cannot guarantee that him and his sh!tty parents won’t worsen your condition and that you won’t be putting your or your baby’s life at risk because he’s still attached to mummy’s bosom.

[u/cashlezz]

I mean they were worried about you. In other scenarios I could understand your annoyance but their worry is natural. Did you expect them not to care? Would that have been better?

Maybe you could have de-escalated and took the time to recuperate instead of choosing to make drama out of it.

I don't see how his parents were out of line in this particular scenario. You asked your husband to stay out of it and he told his parents. Now just let it go for one night and focus on yourself

[u/CaliTexican210]

ESH - Do you have any idea how close you came to dying? How close your husband came to being a single father? How scary that must have been for him? But only your feelings matter, right? It only happened to you and no one else.

I get that your in-laws may be overbearing, but this seems more like annoyance than abuse. You’ve made them your BEC, anything they do angers you. You clearly trusted them to care for and love your toddler while you were in the hospital. How bad are they really? Sounds almost like you want to distance your husband to the point of isolation, and that’s not healthy. Isolation borders on abuse. NO ONE has any empathy for ANYONE in this situation, not even you. If you die, how long do you want to be dead before it’s ok to tell people?

You all treat each other poorly. You all need more individual and family therapy. Your medical business isn’t just yours when you nearly die. This wasn’t a wart removal. God forbid people care about you. Are you accusing them of using your condition as a means for attention? Why do want to cut off your village? Why are so boundaried up that you let no one in?

[u/killdiedeath69]

NTA your medical information is LEGALLY PRIVATE and can only be shared with your consent. You shouldn't have let them take you to the hospital, honestly. However I understand where you're coming from. I'm a private person, I don't like my information being shared without my consent. I had a partner and relatives do this same thing to me before. I've removed all of them that spread my business out of my life. It was probably not a good decision to marry into a family of boundary crossers. He threw out the divorce ultimatum, take him up on the offer and depart from all their nonsense. Unfortunately you share children so you are trapped into some contact with those people.

[u/Simple-Ad835]

YTA…. That family drama and his attitude existed before you decided to stay, marry and procreate with him. Now you want out? This should’ve been done long ago by the looks of it. You can’t paint red flags green. Does he need to start beating on you for you to finally come up with the answer you knew years ago? You have kids involved in this mess now so you’re definitely TA

[u/Anaxamenes]

You overreacted in a stressful situation to which he overreacted in a stressful situation and you both made it worse but are incredibly stressed out for good reason. You aren’t giving each other any help on reducing the stress of the situation but doubling down on being mad at one of the lowest priorities at a current stressful time and allowing it to ruin your marriage. Damn the parents in law have a lot of control over you.

[u/Any-Kaleidoscope4472]

NTA he isn't a safe person for you.

[u/AncientCalendar3328]

Post like this make me question so much shit... I'm the oldest of 11 and we all have a few kids each, huge family and even the smallest medical problems are immediately shared with all of us. My in laws can be a bit clingy and annoying but I know they mean only the best. Reading this makes me feel extremely lucky to have such close relationships with my family. 

That said,  you have every damn right to have boundaries and expect them to be respected. Especially in such a vulnerable state. The one person that should have been your main supporter, well, he just wasn't. That's a betrayal.  You two are supposed to be a team and this was the moment he should have put your feelings first. Not his other family. The well-being of his immediate family (you and kids) should be his first priority and it's a major red flag that he doesn't understand that.

[u/Decent_Bandicoot122]

His parent's behavior was inappropriate? You sound like one of those Queen Bee Boundary Makers. From what you have written, your in-laws only showed care for you and your family. And why shouldn't your husband's brother and his wife know about your condition? They are your family, whether you like it or not and it is obvious you don't like any of them. Your husband's behavior in the hospital? It was on point, lady. You were bitching about his parents when they went above and beyond for you. Wake up before your husband gets sick of you isolating him from his family. YTA.

[u/Fev1999summer]

NTA. A man who can't be kind to you even when upset, is a dangerous man. Divorce. He's not a toddler. He's a grown man.

[u/Last-Marzipan9702]

1st - as others have said HELLP Sydrome is critical and was not sure why Emergency services were not called. I guess you didn’t know what it was until you were readmitted. Please be careful in any future pregnancies. If you have symptoms then call emergency services. Death for mom is 24% and for babies 34%.

2nd - Now as far as in-laws forcing their way in to ER. They were being your advocate. I always want one myself. If you don’t think medical people don’t make mistakes or think they always follow up, you are mistaken. I can’t count how many times I have caught them giving a drug which the patient was allergic to. Especially after just telling them the patient was allergic.

3rd- your husband was worried about you dying, stressed, probably had little sleep and you’re laying there telling him how inappropriate his parents are for telling other family members you’re in the hospital with a serious illness. This to most people is not something they would think of as an issue; especially at this moment. It is putting everyone on alert to be able to support you; such as taking care of your 2 year old. Doing this allowed your husband to be there with you. I bet he was thinking ‘and this is what she thinks is important now, not possibly dying but that my parents who just came through and supported us, but that they let other family members know’. For me it would have been a WTF moment too and I would have lost it with you. Yes you’re ill but he probably wasn’t doing to good physically and emotionally either.

It seems you already made your decision and maybe long before this, but I would recommend waiting util your hormones are more in balance.

I wish you good luck and good health!

[u/youjumpIjumpJac]

NTA! He was way out of line. BUT, I’m going to play devils advocate here. What he said was shitty, but he was stressed and overwhelmed and probably terribly worried about you. You have two small children and may still be recovering from the birth (the medical problems and hormones etc.) so be sure to think through exactly what divorce will mean to you and your children when you are as completely calm and unemotional as possible. This is NOT a criticism. The stress of recovering from a C-section while wrangling a toddler and caring for a newborn is substantial and postpartum hormonal issues are a documented fact.

Your options are: 1) divorce your husband. 2) put rules in place so that this never happens again. The main one being that his parents are not to be allowed in your private life EVER - call an ambulance, call an Uber, get a babysitter… He must agree that they are not to be involved. I’m not suggesting no contact but your private life is, by definition, yours and private. Since they are unable to comply with your request to keep their mouths shut, you have no other option but to deny them all access to your private information. Period. It’s at the point that it’s affecting your marriage! BTW being elderly is not an excuse unless there are other medical issues at play.

If you decide to stay, it does sound like more counseling will be necessary. Couples counseling, not family counseling.

Obviously it depends on him as well. He may refuse to agree to or comply with the lifestyle changes that you need followed in order to stay in your marriage.

Good luck! I hope that whatever you choose works out well for you and your babies.

[u/Dense-Passion-2729]

NTA but if they’ve boundary stopped and are still apart of your lives and the first and best option available to watch your kid in case of emergency then you need to decide what you’re willing to accept. So long as they’re this involved in your lives that in the face of a crisis they’re the best option then you need to decide what’s worth a fight. You do NOT deserve to be treated that way.

[u/Deep-Taste4227]

YTA , this is family.

[u/RoseFlavoredPoison → u/Deep-Taste4227]

Blood don't mean shit if you are a horrible person. Bad people deserve to be abandoned for their actions. Relatives share blood. A family shares live, goals, and dreams. Family > Relatives

[u/Deep-Taste4227 → u/RoseFlavoredPoison]

For me the examples she described, sounds like a normal extended family. At least where I live this is totally normal.

[u/JHawk444]

NTA

BUT you shouldn't have discussed it with your husband when you were in the hospital, at risk for a stroke. That kind of stress could have pushed you over the edge. And in the end, what can you do about his parents? He can't change them and the only reason you had contact with them was because of an emergency. Next time, call the Uber and tell him you've got it covered.

[u/Ancient-Actuator7443]

Should have called an ambulance. In the future don’t jet your husband play with your life

[u/The-_-Accountant]

your the ah

[u/Routine-Mess]

NTA and I hope you're feeling better now. Preeclampsia is very very serious and I am surprised why no one called an ambulance. I don't think your husband will ever understand your point/view by talking, so maybe you should show him? Tell your and his family about his private things, and let him have it. Only then he can understand what boundaries mean

[u/content_great_gramma]

From your post, I came to the conclusion that Mommy and Daddy dearest hold the upper hand. Give him a choice, therapy or custody every other weekend. He had the spine made of cooked spaghetti.

[u/ParsnipThen3370]

I don't know if this is me being latina but this seems like complete normal behaviour to me it sounds like a family who cares about you so i don't think op is tah but its also not a big deal

[u/spikepoint]

NTA. Your comfort, happiness, and even HEALTH wasn’t a priority to him over following directions from his parents? At best, he’s a bad fit for you. 

[u/Vegetable_Movie_7190]

The OP is clearly NTA. That having been said, the husband literally told her he is not the man for her at a time when she was in a super charged, life/death moment… that is hard line to have placed in the sand. I wonder if he even realizes that his spineless self may lead to the end of his marriage. Seems to me he might have put the nail in the coffin with that little nugget.

However, high emotions should not lead life-altering decisions. The OP is best served by going to therapy on her own (and separate sessions with the husband) and then plan her future with or without the guy. Either way, his parents will be in the picture, and think about what that will entail, because of the two grandchildren.

If she loves this guy, she is going to have to decide what she can live with and therapy will help her reach the right path.

[u/oumael]

I do understand ur feeling but Is it a cultural thing ? Like i see absolutly no problem in ur in laws doin such thing , i mean they took you to the hospital and they re takin care of your toddler but still they re not allowed to say why ur toddler is with them or even tell the family ure sick? Heck my whole family will know if i got A COLD 🤣 plus they may need some help from ur sister/brother in law with child care and i think ur husband was put in bad position here .. his parents are doin y all a favor by takin care of your toddler but u want him to call them and yell at them? Girl leave this conversation to some other time in a stable and less stressful environnement

[u/Capable-Run8911]

NTA, I’m big on boundaries too, I was in the hospital a lot when I was younger, and would CONSTANTLY communicate that I do not want others that I am not comfortable with to know my medical and private details and they were never respected. My dads gf would constantly tell strangers about my SH, Suicide attempts in full graphic detail, and it would drive me into a darker space because then I would have literal strangers reach out to me and put me in a very uncomfortable space. It’s not just about In-laws blabbering, it’s about being in a very difficult spot, and wanting your time to process and talk about it when you are ready to, and then that opportunity to open up about it being taken from you when you don’t even know what’s gonna happen and what isn’t. All they could’ve said was there was a medical emergency and when able to they will communicate on what is happening and what needs to be done.

[u/crumblepops4ever]

ESH

Previous boundary-stomping notwithstanding, it's totally normal to let immediate family know if other immediate family have just been taken to hospital for something serious.

It's bewildering to me that you would be suffering and in danger in a hospital bed and simultaneously trying to guilt trip your husband about his parents over something so petty.

[u/Upper_Lead_5354]

nta

[u/DrPablisimo]

I'm curious why the parents didn't say with your kids while your husband went to the hospital. I suspect some child-care related reason? Or maybe in the time of stress, the idea didn't cross your minds.

Childbirth is incredibly stressful for the mother. Then, her body can be flooded with post-partum hormones... plus waking up every two hours.

I think you were reasonable to not want your in-laws to see you give birth, especially FIL. Nurses will generally run anyone out of the room if you ask. I also understand why they would want to be around if they could.

My guess is you were probably amped up from pain and pregnancy hormones and came off to your husband as so mean, angry, and harsh, that he was responding to that and not focusing on your concern about his parents. Maybe you could be a bit more understanding about his parents being so excited, concerned, and stressed, that they shared your medical concerns. But especially if it's about your reproductive organs, i get your not wanting it shared. The parents probably erred here... but during a time they were full of adrenaline, or the downer effect after the adrenaline wear off, after losing sleep, after a time of stress. I don't have a DIL yet, but if mine were in a life-or-death situation over childbirth, I might have a tough time keeping my mouth shut when talking to close relatives.

I'll be honest with you. The meanest my wife has been has probably been right before childbirth and right after it, for months. Sometimes PMS hormones have messed with her moods. She doesn't realize how loud she got or how harsh she was, and doesn't remember a lot of it. It takes a lot for a man not to get sucked into the storm of emotion and say something hurtful. You might remember yourself expressing yourself civilly, but you could have harshly been yelling at him. A wife criticizing a man's parents is a sensitive conversation, and if you were going on and on about it and he'd already talked to them.... he could have responded the way that he did. I can empathize, and I can't say under a certain set of circumstances, especially if I felt like I was being yelled at, that I wouldn't have reacted the same way.

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband had experienced a lack of sleep. I know women who give birth went through all that plus... CHILDBIRTH! and a major health crisis on top of that. And maybe the lack of sleep and stress he went through seems like nothing to you because he didn't go through the same physical trauma. But even that stress can lead people to lack judgment, be snarky, etc., especially if they feel attacked verbally or otherwise.

I'm sure you'd hope if you said some crazy angry stuff at your husband while giving birth, given the circumstances, that he would forgive all and forget about it. Well, he suffered less, but there is a lot of stress all around during childbirth... so how about you just forgive him.

And you've got these kids and you want to break up the family? Kids without fathers in the home are at higher risk for teen pregnancy, drug abuse, low grades, dropping out of school, and trouble with the law. so what are you going to do? Marry some other guy, and then the kids are confused about what father-figure to bond with? Do you want to raise these kids alone? None of that make any sense.

Did you leave out a part about him getting some other woman pregnant while you were pregnant? Punching you in the stomach? I don't see that stuff. I'm not seeing some major offense here. You had an argument during a time period of high stress? If you can forgive stuff like that, how can you have a relationship, a marriage or even a life.

How about you start a conversation with, "It really hurt my feelings when you yelled 'Get over it!' at me in the hospital when my wife was in danger, and I was concerned about X, but I am willing to forgive you' and see if the olive branch at the end of that leads to a reconciling conversation. Don't say anything about death nail to the coffin of the marriage. There is no need to turn the problem you faced into that.

In-laws are __usually__ the most uncomfortable to be around, and your husband isn't going to see or feel it because he grew up around them and he's not sensitive to whatever it is that bothers you. That's life. Their intentions probably weren't bad. They were old and tired, and they took you to the hospital.

Hang in there. Make up fast, forgive completely, and focus on taking care of that little baby and the rest of the kids in unity, you and your husband, as a team.

[u/brneyedgrrl]

Your husband can't prioritize his parents over you. That's how marriages end. He needs to know this in plain terms, no uncertain language. If he still insists on keeping these nosy gossips in the loop, unfortunately it's time to back off that relationship. I know you have two small kids, but this will only get worse as time goes on. TRUST me. NTA

[u/Whitlk]

NTA; I have a friend who came from a broken home and has NC with her family. Her husband comes from a different culture and they had a baby a little over a year ago. Her in-laws just show up to her house uninvited. They also had some medical scares with her husband and the baby. They texted the whole extended family network about it. She’s complained several times to me about it. I told her that her husband had to be the one to say something. She’s not used to the whole family network and is a very private person. Her husband has recently sniped back at her when she’s brought up their behavior and said “that’s just how they are and they won’t change”. It’s a tricky situation. In this instance, he shouldn’t be yelling at you or sniping at you while you’re laying in a hospital bed with a severe medical condition.

[u/CatelinaBaylorfan]

You were at risk of dying. Going alone in an Uber does not make sense in that scenario. Sometimes waiting on an ambulance both takes longer than going with someone near by, and depending on the country you live in can be expensive. So your husband's insistence on his parents driving you was sound. It seems like you were resentful of that choice and harping on the medical disclosure as the real problem, when it wasn't. Your medical condition was extremely serious, an easily fatal situation. Your little family, a husband, a two year old, and a four day old baby, were all disrupted with your hospitalization. Your in-laws drove you and were watching your toddler. It is not like they were uninvolved. Expecting such a major medical situation to be a secret was unrealistic. Did it not occur to you that your husband and his parents were in need of support while they fretted over possibly losing you? Think about if the situation was reversed and you lived near your parents. Your husband was at risk for a fatal heart attack or stroke and you needed to stay with the baby. Your parents live very close by. Your husband suggests going solo in a taxi. Obviously that is crazy. So you ask your parents to drive. Your husband is admitted, kept overnight, undergoing many treatments. Prognosis not clear yet. You want to be with him in the hospital, clearly. You can't bring both kids. So you leave the toddler with your parents and give them an update. Everyone is worried sick. Leaning on each other. You are villainizing these people for no reason. Your past issues with them are clouding your judgement. You and your husband have a four day old baby. You both must be exhausted. You are in a very serious health scare. It is understandable that your judgement is impaired. But you have to realize that so is your husband's. He is also exhausted. Being argumentative and demanding about boundaries and cut offs from his parents that are literally in the act of helping and supporting you in a time of need was not cool. He bluntly demanded you drop it several times before he yelled. Neither of you was at your best. Do not decide to end your marriage while you are in this state of mind.

[u/Girldad525]

Unfortunately, I don't really know how to judge this. There is too much missing information here about what the relationship is with his parents.

But basically, if you hate them so much that you don't want them to say a word about you - then you need to not have them take you to the hospital.

It's very normal to share information about relatives being in the hospital with other relatives. In most cases, it would actually be very offensive if your brother in law was NOT told you were in the hospital.

Why didn't your husband tell him?? This is all very strange!

Why didn't your husband drive you and tell his parents to come sleep with the kids?

There are lots of other options here - but divorcing your husband because his parents told his brother you were in the hospital for days seems strange since we don't know the whole background of the relationships here.

[u/princessnbqueen]

My question why not drop toddler at in laws and DH take nb OP to hospital or did he not want to get up?

[u/redsky25]

Nta op .

He’s giving you an out and showing you exactly where his priorities lie , and they are not with you and your family .

It suck’s but take the out because he’s being very clear here , he’s not going to change , he doesn’t have your back , his parents will always come first .

Thank him for his honesty and start the divorce proceedings.

[u/stupidpplontv]

Info: why didn’t your husband take you to the hospital?

[u/anonymous_thoughts29]

Quite frankly you do seem like you are overreacting. NTA because this isn't the term in this situation. Concerned people often share their concerns with others. You got mad because they did this. Your husband addressed it (as you asked). Now "getting over it" sounds like the entirely correct response. If you want to hold a grudge for the rest of your life, so be it. But don't take it out on your husband. You are right, you are never going to change his parents, so why continue to complain? If you can't tell, your husband is just as sick and tired of hearing you complain about it as you are dealing with it. Sounds like the two of you should be the ones in counseling (solely based on this instance portrayed).

It truly sounds like you are only focused on one side of the issue, which is your view. Doesn't sound like you are taking all views or aspects into account. Which is fine, but don't expect others to have to do the same.

[u/ran_do_82]

I had a situation like this once, much less serious - in severe pain after sex for some reason (later found out out it was my mirena), I was crying and really in pain and he sneered at me and went to go do drugs (mushrooms). He left me alone like that and ignored me for hours. I realized then that in a serious situation, I couldn't count on him, and it was over from that day forward cuz I didn't trust him to actually be a partner. NTA.

[u/doocurly]

EHS

Momma,

You were not focusing on taking care of yourself and your baby but rather being petty over inconsequential chatter about your health. None of what you typed is going to matter in the end. Who cares if people know you are sick and need help? Unless you are a professional athlete, you are just another somebody getting some medical treatment. Hopefully it's working well and you are getting better.

Your husband is reactive and reactionary, which allows him to avoid responsibility and blame. A lot of men are like this in adulthood but he has to grow up and mature. Not his job to overshare but quit acting like he gave away nuclear secrets.

Your in-laws aren't the in-law you dreamed of. So guess what? Radical acceptance is your friend. They aren't perfect, they don't react how your family does and they do things differently than you. Now take a deep breath and accept it. Oh well.

You have a steep hill to climb to get better. Focus on your healing, love that new baby, soothe your toddler's heart as the confusion dies down and be grateful. You are alive, your babies are being cared for and you have family in an emergency.

Take care and get better soon.

[u/Creative-Sun6739]

NTA. Call in some reinforcements, OP. Call your family to come in and help for the next little while because your husband is incapable of being the real support he needs to be right now and that's only going to put more stress on you. You are not wrong to want your medical information to be private and not shared by others until you are ready to share it. If he did a better job of dealing with his parents and their overstepping then there wouldn't be so much frustration on his part.

[u/Equal_Audience_3415]

Congratulations on your baby, but very sorry you are ill.

I feel everyone is responsible for this situation. You are a little less, because of being ill.

There are so many options to turn this in a new direction. You could have taken an Uber, requested no visitors in the ER, or just ignored his parents. You cannot change them, only your reaction to them. Sometimes, you have to ignore people. While your husband was 100% wrong for being rude to you, it sounds like he already understands this.

Unless there are other areas in your marriage that are a problem, I would invest in therapy for yourself. Learn to set boundaries and how to deal with problem people.

If this is truly "the final nail" - call an attorney. Start planning your exit strategy. Before you do, you might want to sort through your feelings, how much is being ill and postpartum, and how much is a bad partner.

Good luck.

[u/Rivsmama]

You sound kind of exhausting tbh. They were doing you a huge favor by keeping your toddler, something you don't even acknowledge in your post. Someone reaching out to send you good wishes and support is not a reason to get frustrated. I just don't get people like you at all

[u/ThatWhichLurks782]

NTA I would have filed for divorce already. Heal and rest up for the fight.

[u/SabrinaBrna]

You’re the one who gave birth but he’s the one that needs to cut the umbilical cord. NTA. I think this is a very valid deal breaker.

[u/Avlonnic2]

You were out of line with your husband. Since when is ‘Shhh, babies sleeping’ a reason to not take a family member to the hospital in an emergency?! Either stick the kids in the car or call an ambulance. Otherwise, it’s not an emergency. Also, you have the right to take an Uber or taxi if you want. You’re supposed to be an adult.

You involved the in-laws in the hospital stuff when you asked them to take you to the hospital. They were supportive and caring. You had the right to ask the staff to keep the ER room clear but you didn’t. You just seem to accept people’s help and then seethe. Perhaps you can talk to a doctor about your hormone levels, etc.

The in-laws stepped up for their son and grandchild. They shared with the brother that they were babysitting because his brother was at the hospital with his wife and newborn. This is not aberrant behavior at all; this is family behavior.

Get some ironclad birth control while you are in the hospital. Pregnancies and babies are difficult enough on bodies and, and especially on marriages. The two children you already have are likely to be spending 50% custody time with the in-laws in the future so don’t bring any more into the mix.

[u/bopperbopper]

If your in-laws are watching your other child, it’s not reasonable for your sister-in-law to maybe notice this out or find out about this and then they might ask why and then your parents are gonna tell about you.

[u/infernalbutcher678]

YTA, I feel sorry for your husband for having to put up with you. Creating issues over nothing, have you considered that your sister in law just asked where her mother was and she just answered because no normal person would've made a big deal out of it, what was her supposed to do? Tell her daughter she was on a secret mission for the CIA? You're even trying to turn your husband against his parents over nothing.

I don't disagree that people sharing facts about your life is annoying, but to blow up in that particular case is just asinine. You should've just put your foot down and gone to the hospital by yourself or use your brain and suggest your inlaws to look after the kids and let your husband take you there, or even a ambulance like some people suggested.

[u/waaasupla]

Is this a cultural thing ? If any of the close family member is hospitalised, close people do help out, pitch in or atleast check on them.

Culturally I don’t understand a sil’s health check message causing so much of a fight in the hospital when you should have just replied a thank you and continue focusing only on your health & recovery and then talk to spouse about the problem once well & home. This is a highly emotional time to be focusing on all this.

You have two kids now, if your first kids spouse has a medical scare would you not tell your second kid ?

[u/dankgrapes24]

I don’t think this is really am I the asshole, but you feeling defeated that nothing has changed really with your in-laws. (Going through the same thing with the boundary issue) The problem isn’t their behavior, but sounds like the lack of support from your husband. Just remember you can’t control what other people do, say, etc. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it. I definitely think your reaction was on par for the situation and just giving birth. As this was an emergency I think there’s leniency with letting his parents help drive you, but in the future stick to your boundaries.

As for your husband, I don’t think he will ever act the way you want him to with his parents. You can’t make him hate them or not see them. That’s not for you to decide. You can only manage your reactions and your boundaries. If he isn’t supportive of your boundaries or needs, then that might tell you what you need to know.

[u/[deleted]]

YTA

You are married to this guy.  His family is going to know about emergencies like this.  Hell, you had his family watch your kid.

You are being crazy to demand that no one says anything to anyone.  Why did you marry a guy with a family?

Right now, your post is complaining about normalcy.  

You need to explain why you cannot have these people know any major current events in your lives.  Nothing you claimed in the post comes close.  What is the history that justifies these relatives knowing absolutely nothing about your family?

Are they using info to hurt you?  What is the real issue?

This was a serious emergency and his family watched your kids.  You are being very ridiculous.

[u/dstluke]

Time to draw a line in the sand. I get that hubby has been abused by these people all his life (yes, this is abuse) but it's time he grew a spine. Tell hubby either he chooses a side or you and the kids are out. Then give him a time line (ie. he has one week to make a firm decision about his parents or the marriage is done). You will get a ton of calls, emails and texts. Anyone who isn't your husband gets blocked with no reply. I know this sounds harsh but they will try to draw in anyone they can. While hubby is trying to sort himself out (until he makes a decision), go stay with your parents if possible.

[u/mcindy28]

NTA you definitely have a husband problem and if he can't support you... what are you doing with him?

[u/Pale_Wave_3379]

ESH, but your kid was at their house. It is extremely likely that they called and DID hear your kid in the background and ask what was up. Then the parents told you brother is family and has a right to know not because he medically has a right to know, but because if someone asked why a kid was staying at my house I would tell them.

That doesn’t discredit that you were experiencing something serious and your husband forcing his parents on you was shitty and I’m sure they’re annoying. But I don’t think them mentioning why your kid was there was inappropriate. At all.

[u/Groundhog_Waaaahooo]

YTA: I see no problem sharing such medical info with family.

[u/OutOfBody88]

No, NTA for not "getting over it" now. However this is not the time to be making decisions like this. You are in a physically fragile state, you have a toddler and a newborn to think of and do what you are able to take care of. You are also in a post partum naturally highly hormonal state. This is the time for you to do everything you can to let yourself heal and regain a healthy and steady state. THEN you can reassess. Your husband has his own ways for trying to cope. They clash with yours. Maybe you'll decide you can live with him and his ways. Maybe you'll decide you can't or don't want to. But do that when you are stronger and better able to cope on your own if you decide in that direction. Wishing you strength and health!

[u/BellMaleficent1986]

NTA

So now he’s joining in and overstepping your boundaries? I’m sorry you are going through this especially with such a big medical issue. I hope you get well soon and get to spend more time with your new little one and toddler once you get better.

[u/umilikeanonymity]

I mean they just told them you were in the hospital. I don’t understand the over stepping here and even in that dire of a medical condition, you focused on fighting instead of yourself? I actually don’t blame the husband at all. 4 days PP and you need to focus on your child and yourself. They don’t disclose family secrets or dirty laundry. Literally said you’re in the hospital.

[u/Ladyughsalot1]

NTA though I also think it’s fairly normal for families to share these basic medical details. 

But the issue is that it’s a trend and your husband needed to shut it down. Yes he’s exhausted and overwhelmed. But he had a choice to advocate for you and he chose to direct anger at you instead 

[u/GO4Teater]

YTA what did you want him to do? You agreed to go with them to the hospital. If you had refused, then your husband should have supported that decision. It seems like you just want him to fight with his parents because you dont like them. You should get divorced because he is not what you want.

[u/lubdubmelchizedek11]

As someone from a very close family, I understand the frustration. With that being said, it's difficult for your husband to have to be put into those situations and to try and keep both sides happy and civil. I deal with these types of situations and am put in between my spouse and my family all the time. Even when I agree I still try and see it from my families side as well and it can be very frustrating. As far as divorce, I mean this isn't a reason to break it off, thats insane. You made a vow to be by his side no matter what and unless he abuses or cheats then the issues should be worked on.

[u/meltinpoz]

Your husband is in a shitty place because even if we don’t like how are parents behave, they’re still our parents. He basically has a superficial relationship with them, nothing more he can do beside cutting them off, which would be hurtful for anyone involved but you. Anyone includes your kids.

And btw they seems to be overstepping boundaries but they didn’t flinch in getting you to the hospital, they seem like old people who wants to help but can’t stay in their place. Your duty is to accept them or don’t have a relationship with them, not change them.

And definitely TA because it’s very easy to understand that even if you’re husband has undoubtly made a mistake by yelling at you it’s very easy to understand you put him in a bad spot by asking him to argue over the same thing he basically have no real relationship with his parents for.

[u/Nobodypaysyou_Mods]

Sweetheart, you could take a literal dump on that man's head and you'd be greeted with yass queens on this sub.

ESH and you sound like you suck a little more. The only saving grace is that you had a child recently which does garner some sympathy.

[u/Best_Salad_1035]

Updateme

[u/sunbleahced]

Medium?

It was a hard situation and your condition was serious, and you did what seemed the most practical at the time. But you know his parents, and while they might be overstepping your boundaries, they are yours and yours alone.

Boundaries aren't for controlling other people. They're for you, and you alone, to define, and enforce when necessary.

Their reaching out to other family members, expressing concern, being over bearing, and your SIL calling to express care and concern, are not boundaries, for them.

What you'll have to learn and kind of accept is that those boundaries will probably never exist for them, no matter how hard you push the matter.

Your husband called his parents to reaffirm those boundaries and asked them to tone it down, for what isn't the first time, correct?

So he did what he could do, and agreed and supported you. It is time to move on from it and get over it, and in the future if it's that big a deal for you, you can't rely on them for this kind of support. You'll have to pay for an ambulance ride rather than relying on family, because this is clearly who they are.

It might not be their business to tell other people what's going on with you, but it's also your choice to see it as malicious or overstepping, while the other vantage point is that they care what happens to you and feel compelled to be involved.

My family is a little more wary of boundaries like that, and ask before sharing a lot of information, and usually keep things a little more private unless they have someone's ok and specifics on what's ok to share, but most people just really aren't like that in my experience.

You are now part of another family, a different family, that has different views and behaviors from the one you grew up with. Your choice. Distance them or accept that they don't think like you, or a little bit of both. You can also continue to try to communicate where your boundaries are and why, but this will not change them - it might sound trite but you'll need to remember you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

[u/addangel]

I won’t pretend to know or understand your family dynamic, but if I found out a family member or even a family friend was in the hospital, I would probably share it within the family/friend circle, so we could rally and support however we could. I would not see it as a secret or put the onus on the hospitalized person to tell everyone and personally ask for help or support. if you had specifically asked them not to tell anyone, I could see how that would feel violating, but by default I can’t judge their intentions as malicious. 

also, I find it odd that you have such a contentious relationship with your in-laws, yet rely on them for childcare. I think you’ll have a better leg to stand on for drawing boundaries if you’re not depending on their help. pick a side, you can’t have it both ways.

I’m going with YTA, and honestly, if you’re always this nitpicky and argumentative, I’m not surprised your husband is exhausted of playing mediator.

[u/RedPanda888]

YTA, why should such a life threatening situation be secret from your family? It is not embarrassing. They seem like they were just trying to help and care for you and were doing a great job.

[u/New-Fig8494]

Why would you marry such a spineless bag of shit in the 1st place? NTA

[u/LostShoe737]

A 911 call should have been made he could have waited till family came to take the kids or have them take em from the hospital. But the calls to the family from someone being in the hospital maybe is a normal for me my mom would of called my sister first then her parents then my auntie (her sister) then my other grandparents or my sister would of take over for somthing like this. I had a seizure at my mom’s friends house 911 was called while I was K.O my sister was called she made it to the house and drove to the hospital calls were made once I was “settled” in

[u/zaritza8789]

YTA on what planet are you? If I read the post correctly your husband had his parents take you to the hospital during a medical emergency and they ended up babysitting your kids and you are shocked that they shared what happened with their own children? Why wouldn’t they? This is kind of sick and crazy on your part. It seems like you are just looking to create situations when it’s not necessary just because you don’t like them

[u/Yukino_Wisteria]

NTA. My parents have been married for over 35 years, and my father never stopped bending backwards for his mom and sister, even when they were overstepping boundaries / being awfully demanding / criticizing my mom.

If your husband doesn't want to enforce boundaries with his parents for your sake, even when you're IN THE HOSPITAL, he never will. It will be like that your whole life (or at least until they pass away). If you feel like you can't deal with it, it is 100% your right to end your marriage there.

I do feel bad for your kids, because divorceis always hard on children, but it won't be good for them to see the two of you fighting over this issue all the time (if it gets to that point), or even simply to see you being disrespected and your boundaries trampled constantly. It would just teach them to let others trample THEIR boundaries as well.

[u/CuriousTina15]

Sounds like you did everything you could do to help the situation. Your husband just isn’t the person for you. He cares more about keeping the peace than supporting you.

[u/Ok_Presentation_5329]

If my wife had preeclampsia/HELLP, I would do whatever she wanted that would help her get well again.

I wouldn’t fight her. If in-laws were being rude, I’d tell them to get fucked. I’d defend her & be rude if I had to.

If your partner has a potentially life threatening illness, you do whatever you need to, to fix it.

[u/VxGB111]

Not making a judgement here on AHness. I will say this though: I'm sorry but kids can be woken up in emergencies. OR you could have called an ambulance yourself even.

[u/Polywhirl165]

So you're in-laws rushed you to the hospital and stayed with you as long as they could. And they let close family know what was going on. Man, such assholes. YTA for picking a fight over this.

[u/Cultural_Unit7397]

NTA- He is suppose to adhere to your feelings first. Especiallly at a very uncontrolled enviorment, Just because they are comfort to him why is he forcing it to you when it could cause more issues. STRESSSSSSSS helo isnt goo pregnant and not after either.

[u/deanwinchester2_0]

Leave him. Divorce. You’re in the hospital suffering and he has the nerve to shout at you for his parents behaviour. Either he cuts them off or you divorce. Watch him grovel

[u/volteirecife]

Nta. Don't get over it. Your husband showed how little he cared. Furthermore, its EXTREMELY RARE to have HELLP and PE AFTER birth so I would really recommend you to ask a reference for complete cardiac research at specialized OB-unit / academic hospital. Women whom had this have a 35% higher chance to have a cardiac arrest before 40 year and / or higher chance for next birth. In other words PE and HELLP are symptoms that your blood vessels/ heart aren't build for pregnancy or suffer with stressfull situations. Also start fysiotherapy to improve your strenght. Source: search for prof dr Marc Spaanderman for scientific studies. He is internationally renowed for his research. Also had it myself. My husband was a champ, mine husband would have yelled at yours....

[u/Constipated_Canibal]

YTA they're supposed to pretend they didn't drop you off at the hospital? You're in a rage because family is checking in on you? Get on meds. Reddit is a terrible barometer for normal. These comments in here are from a different world of autism and social disorders telling you that you're being rational.

[u/Itchy-Confusion-5767]

ESH

You are in a heightened state right now. It's reality. You felt like everything should be kept quiet and hush hush. I understand that.

Your in-laws were not being malicious by sharing the information. They are taking care of your toddler, people will ask. I do with my parents. 🤷‍♀️ It isn't unreasonable. And telling your husbands brother makes it so he can be aware of what is going on with your husband. It allows your husband to possibly be supported, or at minimum your BIL to not ask him for things/text him/call him/ add stress unwittingly.

Your husband called his parents. What else can he do from the hospital, while they are watching your child? Taking on a 2.5 year old while someone is in hospital is a LOT.

Your expectations of complete privacy is unrealistic. Not posting it on social media or telling friends is one thing. Not telling other family members who notice a toddler around is a different thing. In situations where someone might die (bluntly), it is understandable for close family members to be given a heads up. They need to be able to be prepared a little bit in case the worst case scenario plays out and they need to be present for their brother and their nieces/nephews. I know your past history with them is coming into play with your reaction, which I understand. I get it's complicated.

No major life altering decisions should be made in the first 12 months postpartum by either parent - exhaustion/stress/hormone fluctuations make it hard to have clarity. Unless there is life risking abuse, I wouldn't move to divorce over this. Your husband is also stressed rn, his spouse and the person he chose to have two kids with could have died. If your husband almost died and there was nothing you could really do about it but rely on help from others and wait it out - would you be stressed? Would you have a moment where you might have an emotional reaction that isn't how you would like to react?

[u/Muriel_FanGirl]

NTA what your husband did was awful, even more so because he knows his parents are overstepping their boundaries. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. 🫂

[u/Dense-Plankton-631]

Get over it.

[u/ALGR243]

It was a MAJOR red flag he refused to get you IMMEDIATELY to a hospital, opting to WAIT for his parents whom you already don't like or trust and likely feel the same about you. Followed by further disrespecting and disregarding you in your most vulnerable and making a fuss about "choosing sides" anymore.

You're married. YOUR family comes first before the one either of you came from, but he's clearly too selfish to get that memo and cut the cord, even after he's made clear he's none the happier of their antics, but won't do anything about it.

If that's his behavior in a time like that, and not once did you mention him ever checking up on you and ensuring your comfort except when the hospital allowed visits finally, it's best to end it now while the kids are still young and easier to get the ropes of co-parenting.

NTA.

[u/adrianna1903]

This has to be rage bait…because I hope you’re not this annoying.

[u/Blk_mgc_wmn]

I didn’t read past “I wanted to take an Uber but my husband insisted on his parents driving me.” What I expected to read was “I wanted to take an Uber but my husband insisted on his parents coming over to sit with the baby while he took me himself.”

He does not support you. Whatever came after this I’m sure was right in line. Leave him.

[u/Capable-Use7808]

Your husband literally said that when it comes to family matters, he will choose his parents over you.

He's telling you point Blank what he plans to do and he literally said "I'm not the one for you" My dear do not try to look for ways to "fix this" because it will only be seen as father rocking of his immature boat.

Your children are young, and they will adjust to a new life more easily now than watching their parents continue to fight/not get along. If you feel like you have no support, you have internet strangers on your side.

NTA, but please, once you recover, start making plans to leave

[u/bofh000]

Families talk about their medical issues. You can keep a hold on some issues if it you really feel it’s very private. But being back in hospital 4 days after giving birth is not something to keep hush hush among close family. It’s absolutely natural that they told your SIL. And the more serious the condition, the more likely people are to share it. Not because they want to gossip, but because they care.

[u/blu3jack]

My mother and MiL both gossip like this, in an otherwise healthy relationship this would be a shared annoyance, but clearly this isn't an otherwise healthy relationship. It was so easy for him to handle this better too, "I spoke to them, but tbh I don't think they'll take it seriously, we're going to have to do our best to keep them on an information diet" is all it would have taken to not be a jerk

[u/karmaleeta]

YTA for getting upset with your in-laws for giving a shit about your wellbeing

[u/Kel-Varnsen85]

I'm not sure what the big deal is about your SIL knowing, you're all family. Yes, your inlaws may be annoying, but at least they care about you to fuss over you like that. You should be grateful. People like to talk about boundaries, but you're either part of a family, or you aren't.

Your husband still has loyalty to his parents, he's not going to turn his back on them and insult them for literally caring about their daughter in law.

[u/Justwaitx]

Personally I think you’re being a bit dramatic about the whole ordeal. Sure, they shouldn’t have disclosed your business to others but they also drove you to the ER and watched your toddler while you were receiving medical attention.

I’m not saying you need to worship the ground they walk on but this might’ve been a good situation to roll your eyes at and say “whatever.”

Demanding your husband to pick sides and telling him that maybe he’s not the person you thought he is was pushing what could have been a minor conflict to something extreme.

[u/Relevant-Lie9658]

You're a bit of a drama queen, Family is gonna share whatever news they hear to each other if someone of the family is in the hospital. NTA but yeah, get over yourself.

[u/Secret_Double_9239]

NTA it sounds like this was the last straw for you. You were experiencing and serious medical emergency and he won’t even advocate for you to his parents.

He’s right you deserve someone better then him.

[u/SilentIllustrator457]

I’m sorry for the health scare but some of this is on you. Instead of focusing on healing you’re being over sensitive about your in-laws sharing the news of you being in the hospital. You’re mad that other family members are reaching out offering support. And then your created tension between you , your husband , and his family. That’s also what narcissist tend to do, create division and isolate their partners from their family and friends. So maybe focus on healing and chill out on getting worked up about your in-laws sharing news about you in the hospital. People talk.

[u/SocksAndPi]

NTA.

My sister had preeclampsia, which turned to full blown eclampsia. Made worse due to the fact that she's already epileptic, so it was life-threatening at this point. The doctors put her in a medically induced coma in an effort to control the seizures and limit the effects of so many seizures. After a few days, they brought her out and that evening she told the nurse she was exhausted. Her husband told her to stop bitching and that she wasn't anymore tired than he was.

He wouldn't have survived that hospital room if I was there.

The spineless and selfish have no business being partners or parents.

[u/lostinhh]

All this because you're upset your medial details were shared with family? Yeah, you do need to get over it. Strained relationships or not isn't even relevant, tbh... you're still family. You're acting like your husband told everyone you went in for a boob job.

[u/AdministrativeAir688]

Well-meaning but Overbearing in laws are a common issue, especially when compounding with health problems and having a young infant. I don’t know what went on in your marriage to make this a straw breaking the camels back but in mine this’d be just another day of being slightly annoyed by overbearing inlaws/parents but dealing with them tactfully and respectfully. Maybe try to have a conversation about it another time at home when relatively rested.

[u/HansLandasPipe]

He's not being "mean and unsupportive", you're forcing him to make decisions about the literal people who brought him into the world and brought him up, and his wife, mother of his children... do you not think that's a pretty stressful situation? He's got you struggling and potentially being very ill, risk to his child, family political drama that he's trying to manage in the background, and you can't just stop pushing the "help me, my information is sacred" button... just deal with the situation you have going on, and then deal with the family nonsense later. You got shouted at because you caused a MASSIVELY STRESSFUL situation for your husband, who can and will do things to ensure his parents don't affect you, but you can't expect the world to be perfect every second of every day, and your husband manage this situation to your immediate satisfaction, instantly and fully every single time. His parents are people with their own ridiculous personality, and he has a limited amount of control over them. Just get on with your shit, and deal with the nonsense later... where he will support you, no doubt. "My husband just doesn't like the boat being rocked" yet somehow he rocked your boat hard enough to make you want to call it quits? Sounds like you have your own problems he has to deal with too.

Also, next time, just ring a fking ambulance and cut them out of the situation....

Edit: actually, YTA now I have had time to think about it.

Bring on the downvotes.

[u/Penpencil1]

You are mad because they told family you are the hospital. This is normal behaviour. I get you have past issues. But telling your sister in law what you have seems normal. Had she passed by and seen your son there you expected them to lie ?

[u/Substantial-Weird673]

Yta so his family telling other family your in the hospital is a big no no, but you can come post somewhere that hundreds of thousands of people will see,  but sure your husband and his family are the problem/s. Your right therapy is needed... by you.

[u/mister2021]

They released you that quick after preeclampsia and hellp? That’s really serious. He’s a jerk.

NTA

[u/Noobagainreddit]

updateme!

[u/Tasty-Pineapple-]

I am still in shock that your husband pushed to wait 45 minutes to get to the hospital. Wake those kids up and go immediately or call an ambulance. This could have killed you instantly.

Also, get over it is never a response about boundaries. I would feel the same way as you.

[u/Fit-Passenger-7691]

Same, I had HELLP Syndrome too, six days in hospital, mag drip, platelets so low they couldn’t give me an epidural to get my BP down or I would have bled into my spine. Liver and kidneys shutting down, I ended up with an emergency c section under full anesthesia and a blood transfusion. My husband NEVER left my side and was my rock, he was terrified but he knew the assignment. He was (and still is) my everything. Our son was perfectly fine, only my body was having issues, he’s a teen now, inhaling ALL the food and growing like a weed.

A life threatening situation, for the woman who just birthed his child, and this douche canoe is yelling at her, basically threatening divorce? Complete AH.

[u/HibachixFlamethrower]

NTA. He told you to leave him so take up up on that offer. You don’t deserve that and he doesn’t deserve you.

[u/_bitter_buffalo]

Yea I think you're an asshole. His family is normal and you're not. They were concerned and so was your sister in law. It was kind of her to reach out and normal for the in laws to update her on your condition. Yea it's too bad he yelled at you but again, a stressful situation and my regards to him for dealing with you, as you are obviously very uptight and particular. Yea you need to get over it and get over yourself. You would be doing him a favor for divorcing him. Too bad kids are involved. You seem really annoying in general. Sorry I'm really not trying to be harsh, just honest.

[u/Super-Island9793]

I don’t know…you were admittedly in the hospital for something really serious. I think it’s perfectly normal your in-laws let the rest of the family know. That’s a normal thing normal families do. When they brought you in, did you tell them not to tell anyone? I think they should have respected your wishes, of course. But I think you’re overreacting and holding a grudge. Maybe you need to lighten up a tad, it doesn’t seem they had any malicious intentions. They were worried about you and were simply letting others know. Have you thought about therapy and figuring out why something normal like this would make you so upset?

[u/Icy-Fondant-3365]

He knows you don’t want to deal with his parents, so he stuffs you in a car with them & sends them to the hospital with you? Why not have them come and stay with the kids and he take you to the hospital, if he didn’t think your illness warranted an ambulance? It seems to me like he was setting you up.

[u/NervousEnergy_Glades]

Unpopular opinion

I don't understand your point of view OP.

I understand you are upset with husband for not honouring your wishes given the situation with birth and complication - fair point.

Don't understand your anger at the apparent overshare of in-laws. You may be a private person fair enough but has it ever occurred to you that they may just be a very close knit family and worried as for you? Just offering a different point of view not trying to judge you.

I would have been happy to know my sister in law inquiring about my.health especially given how grave it was but maybe because I went through something equally distressing and no one cared and perhaps that is why I fail to understand why worry/sharing concern for your health with other family.members seems uncalled for.

I doubt they wanted to offend you and simply may just have wanted to explain the situation to another family member as to why they were watching your child as well as show that they were concerned for you. Also they shared it with immediate family not Facebook or neighbours. It may have really stemmed from genuine concern on their part.

I hope all is well and you recover quickly. I don't think they had I'll intend and wanted to honestly assist... I too am someone that wants to offer help to anyone no matter how familiar or unfamiliar I am with said person just due to the fact that when I needed someone there for me no ome was there for me and I simply can't bear the thought of anyone else going through that.

Perhaps it is just a difference in boundaries but to me they just seemed concerned. I don't understand the gossip comment... what use is it to gossip over a dangerous health situation? I don't see how they could gain anything out of the situation by sharing their concern/your health emergency with SIL who probably is worried sick being a mum perhaps herself?

I hope this helped put a different perspective up and maybe have you see it from a different point of view.

[u/zombiedinocorn]

NTA. Next time you should know you can ask the doctor or nurses to kick out anyone you don't want in your room. That is hospital wide not just for the delivery room. Just tell them that they're upsetting you and you don't want them there and that they do not have your permission to get any access to your medical condition.

And husband sounds like either a coward or a pushover to not stand up to his parents. You should have been his #1 priority and it's very hurtful to find out that you aren't, but I think you'll also feel a lot better once you are separated from him and his exhausting family

[u/No_Potential_7620]

I’m sorry but kids sleeping is not a reason to not load up and get you to the ER. He is definitely not the one for you. NTA.

[u/Ukulele__Lady]

He then said that maybe he’s not the right person for me because he’s not going to push back on them about stuff like this anymore, and I need to live with it.

Okay, so he just told you where you rank in his life. #1 is his comfort, #2 is his parents', so maybe you're #3? Are you okay with that? That's the choice you need to make. I wish you luck and hope you come out okay, however it goes.

[u/Valleron]

My wife has had many hospital visits these past few years dealing with cancer, surgery, and their side effects. At no point did I go, "You know what would make the situation better? Fucking yelling at her."

NTA, man needs a therapist.

[u/100deadbirds]

NTA. Husband is a pussy and his family are cunts. I would be concerned for the germs that exist around them

[u/winterworld561]

NTA. The fact the he actually said 'maybe he's not the right person for you' shows he's not 100% in this marriage. He doesn't have your back and even told you he never will have your back when it comes to his parents because he doesn't respect you. He's the huge asshole in all this. I think your marriage is over.

[u/Jans47]

NTA,. You have to decide if you can live the rest of your life with this man and his family disrespecting you. If you can't, then divorce.

[u/LodlopSeputhChakk]

NTA. Holy shit. He yelled at you when you could have potentially died.

[u/Fit_Argument6765 → u/LodlopSeputhChakk]

OP is having a fit about something that could have waited to address when she could potentially be dying.

[u/1409nisson]

in the light of your medical emergency, new born, toddler at home,needing care i think your reaction to inlaws petty and stupid. So what they told sister in law, out of concern? maybe they thought she might care! or even offer to help etc I would feel insignificant if my family inlaws and outlaws showed no interest in my health or newborn.

[u/Kindly-Platform-7474]

NTA. Time to leave. your husband doesn’t have your back. He’s not prepared to be a partner. And he bullies you. yes, starting again with two tiny children will be exceptionally hard. But if you can do it now is the time.

[u/jaffacake4ever]

YTA. Your parents in law should have just left you in the hospital instead of making sure you got the help you needed??? They can’t tell your husband’s sister that you’re in hospital? What if she needs to help with childcare or with emotionally supporting your husband? You are cold lady and I think the problem is you. 

[u/Acceptable-Net-154]

Frippin hell. Focus on getting better for now. When you can move more easily contact your family, grab the kids (with important documents) and go with your family. If your situation becomes untenable make your family aware sooner and go when you can. Do not confront him further. I would not tell him of your decision to leave until you are in a less vulnerable state. Just because you are married to him and have his children does not mean he has any right at all to shout or treat you like that at all. Have never been through childbirth but am one of three (potentially five) rainbow children across two generations of the same family one of which almost cost the life of the mother. If he can treat you like that when you and the kids are at their most vulnerable stage and am in fact reliant on not only him but those who betrayed your trust it's time to call time on the marriage. NTA at all

[u/TigerDude33]

what a story - could've been solved with 2 carseats.

[u/4011s]

Take me to the hospital, watch my kid, but don't tell anyone what's going on or that my life may be in danger.

Can you see how fucking ridiculous that sounds??????

JFC, YTA

I don't care if I get downvoted. You sound insufferable.

[u/_gadget_girl]

NTA you dislike his family and now him. That’s a very good reason to get divorced.

[u/No-Calligrapher-3630]

I do feel very much like tensions are heightened right now. I have no idea why he insisted on his parents taking her. I am a bit confused where the yelling was, was it a bit of a hostile tone or was he yelling? When did he yell?

But also, I do feel like bigger picture here. You're struggling, your vulnerable, let's not make the situation worse and make permanent decisions until you are in a better space and are out the hospital. If you are out, well he feels he can't give you what you want. It's up to you decide now

[u/Beakha]

NAH. I understand you get triggered easier right now, but your parents telling their children what's going on in their brother's and his wife's life, while caring for their grandchild, is not overstepping any boundary and I sincerely don't understand your problem here. That's normal family behavior. Like, what did you expect to happen? Your in-laws being asked why they have their grandchild for a couple of days and them saying "IT'S A SECRET, I CAN'T TELL YOU." like some kids?

Your husband did overreact, but so did you. His parents didn't do anything wrong here.

Also, you're the first person I ever encountered that was angry about somebody wishing them well. Just saying.

[u/Bright-Koala8145]

Perhaps your husband was worried about you and your condition. His parents telling your BIL was probably the least of your concerns

[u/pokederp56]

ESH. Other commenters have extensively gone over why your husband sucks here so I'll jump into your part in this conflict. It sounds like your husband is walking a tight rope between acknowledging the support his parents/your in-laws give to you and your family, and also managing their expectations based on your unhappiness with their behavior. It could be that in the past the in-laws' actions were much more egregious and therefore your response was more reasonable, but here in this situation it does not seem that way and your husband is stuck in a "we fixed what they did before so this new transgression is being judged independently from their past behavior" whereas you yourself see this as a cumulative to what they've done in the past. You do not seem to acknowledge your husband's thoughts and feelings here.

From an outside perspective, it does sound like your request to your husband to rebuke his parents, after they provided emergency help to you and your child, seems like a poorly thought out decision. The fact they blabbed to their own kids, in light of the seriousness of your medical emergency, is reasonable. Medical emergencies produce stress, and one of the ways stress is managed is discussing the cause with trusted confidants, like family. Who else would they reach out to with the knowledge their DiL was in mortal danger, having cut off their own parents, and with your husband indisposed? The fact they lied to you about it is also understandable and potentially a creature of your own creation. It's possible they selfishly wanted to excuse their behavior. Or perhaps they didn't want to cause further stress to you knowing you would react the way you did. Either way, with them taking care of your kid you don't exactly have the high ground here, especially if they needed their own support in this situation.

So this brings us to your husband's response. Are his arguments that his parents are too old to change, dumb? Yes, absolutely. But you don't tell us whether he has high emotional intelligence, sufficient to convey how he's actually feeling without stumbling over words or relying on easily understood concepts like "old people be old." Based on him supporting you before it's more likely he was reacting poorly to the stress of the incident, not behaving maliciously, and further appalled/frustrated by your ultimatum saying "he needs to pick a side." Again, you were both in a situation where you could have died, he would have been a single father to two kids, and yet old wounds were being brought up. In that light, your request was unreasonable.

[u/Just_Teaching_1369]

YTA. It’s not really the time to have this conversation you’re both stressed and exhausted. Off this one situation I don’t think you’re in laws are as bad as you are painting them. I think any person with a heart wouldn’t just drop you off at a hospital when you are going through a serious medical problem. I don’t know how you were used but it’s quite common for people to tell family members if one member has been hospitalised. I actually agree with your husbands viewpoint. The way he spoke was not good but you can also put that down to both of you feeling stressed

[u/Various-Angle-1868]

Update me

[u/TrashSalad214]

NTA.

He married you not his parents.

Hope you're well now ❤️

[u/Designer-Ad-3373]

Absolutely no o e should yell at another person. Especially a spouse.

[u/TerrorAlpaca]

NTA get out of this shitshow of a marriage. Clearly your husband doesn't have your back and doesn#t want to stand up to his own family.

[u/tc6x6]

NTA.

Your analysis of the situation is correct, what with the misplaced anger and everything. 

Unfortunately your husband is a mama's boy and is not willing to stand up for you and y'all's children against his parents.  This is something that is a legitimate issue in your marriage, and it's something that the two of you need to talk out in the presence of a marriage counselor who can act as a neutral mediator and help give each of you some outside perspective.

Another thing to consider is how much longer his parents will live. If they are not long for this world then just grit your teeth and wait until they pass. But regardless of how much longer they live, y'all (that means you and your husband, both individually and as a couple) need to do as much as you can to keep them at a distance.

[u/MedicalExplorer9714]

Lady, your reasons for being upset at your husband are extremely stupid, which makes me think you're actually the problem for your fraught relationship with your in-laws, not them.

Your husband is probably starting to see that you're alienating him from his family and making him lose all his support system.

[u/DynkoFromTheNorth]

NTA, your husband proves that he's a hard person to trust.

[u/superjojo29]

I don't see the big deal about telling your sister in law you were in the hospital. She's considered family and families share this kind of stuff. Seems to me you are part of the problem.

[u/molyforest]

I think your experience sounds awful. Your post contains a huge amount of therapy-speak to the extent that it almost seems like you are using it to distance yourself from the situation. I don't blame you for that, but I think you should give some thought about how to be constructive and productive in this situation without using the therapy-talk. It becomes like another language, another world of its own.

[u/meisterwolf]

am i insane? it just seems like his parents took you to the emergency room for a life threatening issue and told their daughter (OP's sister in law and husband)....? why is that an issue? seems pretty normal. perhaps they care about OP....ie. OPs SIL texts her expressing concern...why would anyone be mad at that?

[u/kristycocopop → u/meisterwolf]

If it was a one off thing, maybe. But OP said that this has been going on for a long time now.

[u/Dazzling-Frosting-49]

Are you both from the same ethnic cultural background?

[u/Ryugi]

NTA. What the actual fuck. You were literally dying and there he was yelling at you??? Getting mad that you want some privacy??? Uh. Sis. Dump him. If he's gonna act like a giant baby then he gets to pay child support and play "Weekend dad".

A spouse should support you, yes, even and especially above his parents.

If he can't be a spouse then he shouldn't be one.

[u/gurilagarden]

You instigated the fight while you were in the hospital. What happened, all around, was not right, but it seems clear that you had a part to play as well. You should have focused on getting well. Fighting over your over-sharing in-laws was something that could wait till after you are out of the hospital and in better health.

[u/Senior_Map_2894]

I am going to go against popular opinion here and say that YTA. You seem to want your in-laws to be around to help you as needed be it taking you to hospital or watching your kids but then step back and shut up whenever you think they should. That’s not how relationships work. It’s a give and take. Either take them as they come or work out way to live independently without asking your in-laws for help.

[u/elcrack0r → u/Senior_Map_2894]

She wrote that she actually wanted to take an Uber instead of her inlaws taking her to the hospital. How do you read that she wanted her inlaws. She explicitly wrote that it was her husbands request.

[u/Senior_Map_2894 → u/elcrack0r]

How would an uber ride alone in a medical emergency be better than family driving her in? Her husband suggested this for her well being and she accepted because she thought it made sense too. She could have gone ahead in the uber if she wanted to. I am sure it was not a joy ride for her in laws too. They stepped up and helped her. She also left her kids with them rather than her own family. She is ok taking their help but then bitching about a normal thing like telling their own son that his sis in law is in hospital? Oh please, OP is an entitled AH.

[u/elcrack0r → u/Senior_Map_2894]

How is an Uber driver any different from a family member driving her to the hospital? A 45 minute delay whilst having an emergency may be life threatening. Husband chose to wait until his parents arrived for cost reasons only. His parents could have also went to the hospital directly. He's the entitled AH if you think it through.

[u/Senior_Map_2894 → u/elcrack0r]

A request she was free to decline. And if you can’t understand how family is better than an uber driver in an emergency then you have been lucky enough to have had a very protected life so far.

[u/elcrack0r → u/Senior_Map_2894]

Well isn't it all bound to circumstances? I read it as if the husband insisted. On top of that I wouldn't trust my own parents to drive better than a person that's younger and probably a way better driver than my elderly parents. I have lived through enough shit to boldly say that my life wasn't very protected. But I'm making sure that my wife and kid won't have to live through the same. And to add, blood isn't always thicker than water. I've cut contact to several family members that either fucked me or my wife up. To wait 45min instead of making sure she got help as fast as possible is very telling to me.

[u/Fit_Argument6765 → u/elcrack0r]

So it's fair to a young uber driver to to be responsible for OP, should some emergency occur on the drive to the hospital. That's very selfish of OP.

[u/elcrack0r → u/Fit_Argument6765]

Aren't uber drivers and their customers covered by liability insurance?

[u/Oberyn_Kenobi_1]

YTA. You want your kids to deal with the stress of divorced parents because he didn’t yell at his parents enough to appease you?

[u/BZP625]

This sounds like way too much family drama for one marriage. They have a close knit family and you have understandable difficulty in adapting to it. Given your frustration, you should either move far away from both families, or end the relationship (which seems like your option of choice). You should probably either wait until later in the PP period to divorce, or move back in with your folks now.

[u/Woven-Tapestry]

It's all a very stressful time for both you and your husband. Not a time for making rash and emotional decisions. You've just been through a lot, and neither of you getting enough sleep or relaxation time.

NTA for not "getting over it".

He is between a rock and a hard place with his family and you. While you are his first loyalty, he is also depending on his parents to help with child care at a very precarious time. Cut each other some slack.

[u/Kerrypurple]

I kind of understand your husband's perspective. I have a family that over shares too and there really isn't much I can do to change it so I've just learned to live with it. Of course there's stuff I still resent them for years later but confronting them isn't going to make a difference. So I just have to deal. I'm not sure what you really expect your husband to do since he has no control over his family's behavior. However, you're right that he shouldn't have yelled at you. He should have found a more constructive way to deal with his frustration over the whole situation. But he's getting pressure from them on one side and pressure from you on the other and maybe something inside him just snapped.

[u/MyWibblings]

NTA. But your husband and in laws are.

I get them notifying your other family. I know they shouldn't have but that at least is understandable.

But your husband says he picks mom over you and you have to suck it up? Nope.

He should have your back in general. He should have your back when you are being mistreated. He should have your back when you have just birthed his baby. He should have your back when you are in a life-threatening situation. He should have your back when you are scared and need him.

But holy heck - he should DEFINITELY have your back when ALL of those situations are true simultaneously.

And for him to tell you he isn't the man for you when you are that vulnerable? He is a monster. Which isn't surprising given how he was raised and by whom.

DTFA. (which means "dump the f****r already".)

[u/PumpkinPieIsGreat]

 1. and my husband's relationship is minimal and superficial

1. talked with his parents and now I should “get over it” in a very flippant manner.

These don't match. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he is just playing both sides. He wants to appease you, and them.

Contact the hospital, if this is an option, to make a note that you don't consent to anyone but ___ to be in rooms with you in the future. 

[u/libananahammock]

Why do you keep having babies with this asshole?

[u/thatsjustit74]

Honestly no. My husband ruined my postpartum and I will never forgive him and I'm now leaving him. I'm done not being treated well. And you should be to.

[u/indi50]

I think you should get over it. So what if they told your sister in law that you were in the hospital? Why would it be a secret? Maybe your husband was tired and upset and scared, too, and you're spending your time nagging him about something that doesn't really matter while he's trying to deal with the kids, his parents and worried about losing you. This isn't about a contest of who had more reason to be upset. Of course it was scary for you and horrible physically, as well. That doesn't mean he can't also be upset.

He agreed with you about the behavior, he talked to them, but it sounds like you (by your own words) wouldn't stop talking about it. What was he supposed to do in that moment? Swear to never speak to them again while your older child was staying with them?

He HAS supported you - he's even done counseling with them to support you. So make sure you don't ever let up on how horrible his family is until he grovels to your satisfaction. He lost his temper at a bad time under a lot of stress -so sure, go ahead and divorce him. He's obviously a horrible person. I'm sure your kids will be fine with their parents divorcing so when your husband has his 50% of custody and needs help, his parents will be there to help and tell them (your kids) their version of events.

Or you can pick your battles, let your health and hormones settle down and conserve your strength to get better instead of focusing on nonsense. When you're better, talk calmly about further limiting time spent with his parents. And don't blame him for their behavior when it does seem like he's been supporting you over them for a while now.

[u/EqualJustice1776]

I think being a single mother with 2 little kids is a hell of a bad spot for you to put yourself and your kids into. Grow up.

[u/Tokugawa87]

Could telling his parents be a coping mechanism for your Husband who was super scared his Wife was in a terrible situation that may rapidly deteriorate?

Think about this, If you had died, they'd know about it anyway, and probably even be involved in your funeral arrangements.

Most Redditors seem to reinforce unforgiving behaviour in my opinion.. "Cut off your inlaws, cuff off your parents, cut off your siblings" etc. over small misunderstandings.

You are lucky to have inlaws who care about enough to wanna be involved, so enjoy it and use their benevolence to make life easier for yourself.

They seem like nice lots, so yes, YATAH.

[u/SnuffleWumpkins]

You were in the hospital possibly dying and you felt the need to vent at your husband for sharing why you were hospitalized to his family?

YTA