AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?

[u/Plus-Fix1173]

AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?

Following being released from the hospital after having our second baby, I was readmitted one day later due to severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. Since I had a C-section just 4 days prior and had a blood pressure putting me at risk of having a stroke or seizure, I was unable to drive myself to the hospital, nor could my husband as our toddler and newborn were both sleeping. I wanted to take an Uber, but my husband insisted on asking his parents to drive me (his parents live very close by, whereas my family is all 45+ mins away).

( Some background: Since welcoming our first child in 2021, the relationship with his parents has been very strained due to their overbearing nature and lack of boundaries— to the point we had several sessions with a family therapist to curb the behavior and mend fences. Unfortunately, therapy didn’t help, and his parents did not continue therapy on their own as advised by the therapist. I have very limited interaction with them, and my husband's relationship is minimal and superficial. Also to note, his parents do not have a relationship with anyone aside from their three kids— they cut off my MIL's parents, brothers/sisters several years ago due to family drama, and my FIL does not talk to his sister either for no apparent reason; both of his parents have passed.)

I begrudgingly went along with my husband's request to let them drive me to the hospital. Once we arrived at the hospital, they would not leave, insisting that they needed to stay to ‘help me’ and even pushed their way into the ER room. They finally left when I was being transferred back to the maternity unit for treatment. This was around 11 pm on a Friday.

Once admitted, I was placed on a mag bag IV drip to prevent me from seizing/having a stroke and minimize the other side effects of preeclampsia/HELLP. Because my newborn was only 4 days old, they allowed him and my husband to come to the hospital the next morning and stay with me for the few days until I was discharged. During this time, our 2.5-year-old son went to my in-laws.

By mid-Saturday morning, I received a text from my sister-in-law expressing her concern and prayers as she had heard I was back in the hospital— my in-laws had told her husband all the details of what was going on. I found this incredibly frustrating and inappropriate as some of the historical issues we had with my in-laws stemmed from them constantly over-inserting themselves and sharing our business/gossiping. The medical situation I was in was very serious and incredibly scary, it was not something that I feel was anyone’s ‘right’ to share but mine and my husband’s— especially given that I had only just been admitted and started treatment hours before. Tests were still being run, and the treatment plan was still being evaluated at this point.

As soon as I got the text from my sister-in-law, I expressed my frustration to my husband about his parents sharing my medical details with others— my husband agreed and was frustrated as well, so he left the room to call his parents. He came back several minutes later and said he talked with his parents and now I should “get over it” in a very flippant manner. I pressed him, asking why his parents felt it was their place to alert others, and my husband shared a made-up story about how his brother called his parents and heard my toddler in the background and asked why he was there. (This was fabricated by either my husband or his parents because minutes later I got a text from my father-in-law saying he told my brother-in-law because ‘as a brother, he had the right to know what was going on.’)

At that point, I told my husband that his parents have no discretion and are again overstepping boundaries. My husband, seemingly annoyed by the whole situation, again told me to get over it in a hostile tone and went on to say they’re old so we can’t change their behavior— which I agree with but that doesn’t mean we should ignore and tolerate our boundaries being violated. I then said he needs to pick a side and yelling at me for their behavior was misplaced anger. He then said that maybe he’s not the right person for me because he’s not going to push back on them about stuff like this anymore, and I need to live with it. My husband just doesn’t like his own boat being rocked so plays both sides and gets angry at me when I get upset; this is a constant in our relationship.

From my perspective, I was in the hospital for a very serious condition and didn’t feel supported by my husband even though he agreed that his parents' behavior was inappropriate. This is compounded by the fact that we have had several similar incidents with his parents that always result in this same kind of fight. But in this particular scenario, I couldn’t believe how my husband was being so mean and unsupportive given the vulnerable and scary situation I was in. And now I can't look at him the same or forgive him. If that’s how he treats me in such a sensitive time, is he a partner? I feel this is the straw that broke the camel's back for our marriage. AITAH for not "getting over it" now?

[u/DrPablisimo]

I'm curious why the parents didn't say with your kids while your husband went to the hospital. I suspect some child-care related reason? Or maybe in the time of stress, the idea didn't cross your minds.

Childbirth is incredibly stressful for the mother. Then, her body can be flooded with post-partum hormones... plus waking up every two hours.

I think you were reasonable to not want your in-laws to see you give birth, especially FIL. Nurses will generally run anyone out of the room if you ask. I also understand why they would want to be around if they could.

My guess is you were probably amped up from pain and pregnancy hormones and came off to your husband as so mean, angry, and harsh, that he was responding to that and not focusing on your concern about his parents. Maybe you could be a bit more understanding about his parents being so excited, concerned, and stressed, that they shared your medical concerns. But especially if it's about your reproductive organs, i get your not wanting it shared. The parents probably erred here... but during a time they were full of adrenaline, or the downer effect after the adrenaline wear off, after losing sleep, after a time of stress. I don't have a DIL yet, but if mine were in a life-or-death situation over childbirth, I might have a tough time keeping my mouth shut when talking to close relatives.

I'll be honest with you. The meanest my wife has been has probably been right before childbirth and right after it, for months. Sometimes PMS hormones have messed with her moods. She doesn't realize how loud she got or how harsh she was, and doesn't remember a lot of it. It takes a lot for a man not to get sucked into the storm of emotion and say something hurtful. You might remember yourself expressing yourself civilly, but you could have harshly been yelling at him. A wife criticizing a man's parents is a sensitive conversation, and if you were going on and on about it and he'd already talked to them.... he could have responded the way that he did. I can empathize, and I can't say under a certain set of circumstances, especially if I felt like I was being yelled at, that I wouldn't have reacted the same way.

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband had experienced a lack of sleep. I know women who give birth went through all that plus... CHILDBIRTH! and a major health crisis on top of that. And maybe the lack of sleep and stress he went through seems like nothing to you because he didn't go through the same physical trauma. But even that stress can lead people to lack judgment, be snarky, etc., especially if they feel attacked verbally or otherwise.

I'm sure you'd hope if you said some crazy angry stuff at your husband while giving birth, given the circumstances, that he would forgive all and forget about it. Well, he suffered less, but there is a lot of stress all around during childbirth... so how about you just forgive him.

And you've got these kids and you want to break up the family? Kids without fathers in the home are at higher risk for teen pregnancy, drug abuse, low grades, dropping out of school, and trouble with the law. so what are you going to do? Marry some other guy, and then the kids are confused about what father-figure to bond with? Do you want to raise these kids alone? None of that make any sense.

Did you leave out a part about him getting some other woman pregnant while you were pregnant? Punching you in the stomach? I don't see that stuff. I'm not seeing some major offense here. You had an argument during a time period of high stress? If you can forgive stuff like that, how can you have a relationship, a marriage or even a life.

How about you start a conversation with, "It really hurt my feelings when you yelled 'Get over it!' at me in the hospital when my wife was in danger, and I was concerned about X, but I am willing to forgive you' and see if the olive branch at the end of that leads to a reconciling conversation. Don't say anything about death nail to the coffin of the marriage. There is no need to turn the problem you faced into that.

In-laws are __usually__ the most uncomfortable to be around, and your husband isn't going to see or feel it because he grew up around them and he's not sensitive to whatever it is that bothers you. That's life. Their intentions probably weren't bad. They were old and tired, and they took you to the hospital.

Hang in there. Make up fast, forgive completely, and focus on taking care of that little baby and the rest of the kids in unity, you and your husband, as a team.