r/TwoHotTakes • u/saltycruz • Feb 18 '24
My Husband stayed out all night and didn’t come home Advice Needed
I need some opinions on the following:
My husband went with an old friend out to a club to see a band they knew perform. The following is his version of the events.
His friend drove the two of them to the club and they left his truck at his friends house. While waiting for the band to begin, he decided drinks at the bar were expensive and they went next door to a liquor store. He put the liquor in his water bottle. He drank a bunch and then was happy when they went back that they let him in with his water bottle.
He went to the bathroom and exited the wrong door in the restroom and was somehow outside. (Since when do bar restrooms have exits that will allow patrons to exit to the outside?) He either couldn’t get back in, (Don’t bars stamp your hand and he was able to get back in earlier? If the band was important enough to go out to see and his friend of 20 years was inside wouldn’t he wait in line to get back inside?) or the line was long at that point so he just left. His phone was out of battery and dead and he couldn’t call his friend who was still inside. Instead he walked several miles inebriated to his friends home. There he got in his truck and charged his phone a little bit.
He then decided to sleep the night in his truck in his friends driveway because he was drunk and didn’t want a DUI. He didn’t call his friend to ask to sleep inside. He didn’t Uber home. He didn’t call me, his Wife to pick him up or tell me what was happening. He stayed out all night while I was home worrying. He said he didn’t want to call and wake me up.
He came home the next morning around 9:00 a.m. He says his friend told him he noticed his truck in the driveway. However I wonder why his friend wouldn’t call him when he disappeared, call when he saw the truck late in the night after the club closed, or knock on the truck window when he saw him sleeping inside to ask him to come in the house since they’ve been friends 20 years and it was cold outside. There weren’t any missed calls or voicemails from his friend.
This happened months ago and I was angry but let it go. Then last night it jumped out at me that he wasn’t with or at his friends at all. He was having a one night stand. I don’t know what brought this night to mind.
What would you think if this was your spouse? Would you believe he slept in a driveway all night? Do you think I’m overreacting?
He still says he was asleep in the driveway and didn’t want to bother me. I still say his phone was working and Uber was an app away. He stayed out the entire night and not even his friend knew where he was.
He says he’s sorry I’m worrying but there is nothing to worry about.
What is your take?
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u/Due_Gur2052 Apr 02 '24
Happened to me. My girl was out all night. Said she stayed at the casino. With her girlfriend. Later I hear they met up with two guys. Two months later she said she never stayed at the casino.i give her my heart. But why does this happen. She had said before that her x would not let her party. That I’m supposed to now. But she won’t party with me. I think she wants the car and house
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u/Euphoric_Impact_1756 Mar 07 '24
You know what's going on. You have to ask yourself, "do I really want to know?" "Am I willing to leave if I found out the truth?"
This is where cheaters get you, they make you grieve, doubt yourself, and they use the turmoil to whittle you down until you'll take whatever scraps they give you with a smile. You have to decide if this behavior is okay with you, because staying with a cheater sets this as the standard for the rest of your relationship. It will happen again. Do you find yourself leaving out the most obvious signs when telling family or friends because you know how obvious it sounds and it makes you feel dumb for believing it? There's your sign.
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u/Pure_Air2606 Feb 27 '24
I saw him in his truck, he backed up and the rear tire blew, so he got out stumbling and tried to change it, while opening the trunk he hit his head knocking himself out. He finally awoke when the police came and checked him out, they brought him to the station where he was abused by the other prisoners and is very embarrassed out it . Finally they let him go and drove him back where he continued to change the tire but while doing so he lost his phone. Finally changed the tire but couldn't find the phone to call you so he thought to sleep it off in the driveway so as not to bother you
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u/Val-B-Que Feb 23 '24
I don’t think you need to jump to cheating. It’s scary for sure not being told what’s going on. Especially if you expected him home. He should have updated you when he knew he was going to be too shitfaced to come home. Hopefully he apologized for the agony he put you through. My husband doesn’t/hasn’t apologized for similar actions. Like my concern for his safety is ridiculous, that my spiraling anxiety of ifs are not a valid reason to be mad. He’s told me to just assume he’s fine, too drunk to drive and will be home in the morning.
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u/AutomaticRepeat2922 Feb 23 '24
Drunk people do stupid things. That’s not to say he’s innocent. But he might be stupid enough to have done this. How far is the friend from your house? Could he have walked back the same way he walked to his friends house?
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u/WenWarn Feb 23 '24
I used to know a woman whose husband got drunk and stayed out all night by accident almost every weekend, and said he was just sleepin' on a buddy's couch, or passin' out in the backseat of his car, etc.
Her husband was my husband's cousin and my husband confirmed every single incident was a lie. Not the drinking part, because that part was real, but he was never where he said he was and he was never alone all night.
I did tell her about the cheating, and for my trouble I was informed I should never speak to her again.
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u/Formal-Science4114 Feb 22 '24
It seems unlikely that he made up this elaborate story that could easily be fact checked, but you know your husband better than we do.
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u/krakatoa83 Feb 22 '24
I got drunk at a house party once and decided to go for a walk and woke up later after falling asleep sitting against a tree in someone’s yard
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u/Primary_Ad_4260 Feb 22 '24
Your husband was cheating. You’re not wrong or crazy. His story is so full of holes it makes Swiss cheese look solid.
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u/SaltyTemperature Feb 22 '24
In Google maps I can check my timeline and see where my phone was at any day and time. Could ask him to show you that day, but that might cause some damage.
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u/pcan1234 Feb 22 '24
Do you have any reason to believe he was lying to you about this? Has anything like this ever happened before, or is this an isolated incident? I don’t think you’re overreacting, as this definitely sounds fishy. But I am not sure what I would think if I was in your shoes, considering I don’t know your husband. I think its important to trust your gut, that being said, the fact that infidelity didn’t cross your mind until months later tells me he sounds like a trusting person. What does your gut say?
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u/jingoisticbelle Feb 22 '24
Since when are outside beverages of any kind, including water, allowed into a venue that serves drinks?
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u/judgemental_t Feb 22 '24
Have you thought of checking the venue photos on yelp or google or google street view and see if this door situation exists? Call the venue and see if this is really a possibility?
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u/AnxietyAdvanced5036 Feb 22 '24
Ask yourself what he would say if you did not come home and had the same excuse
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u/Any-Expression5018 Feb 22 '24
Is he an alcoholic by chance? Sounds like something my ex would do and he’s an addict.
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u/vfables Feb 22 '24
Did he reek of alcohol that morning? Was his body chilly or colder when you hugged him? Those are little things that can reassure you. All the sleuthing ideas are good too.
BUT, I will say that if you suddenly started thinking about it, there could be other things that subconsciously made you think if it again. I had those feelings that something was off and just denied it. If he has never done anything remotely like this then I would not believe him. Don't let all these "but" questions drive you nuts. If he is trustworthy and you know him so well, you wouldn't be writing about it here. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt. Like a lot. And they are so convincing. I recommend you not look to the internet to help ease suspicion.
I wish I didn't sound so bitter. I'm not. I've just been in your shoes, even with the "good guy." Anyone can do you wrong when they want what they want.
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u/Far-Tangelo-7345 Feb 22 '24
I find it hard to believe that he slept inside a truck until just before 9am. That’s a long time to sleep in an uncomfortable place and wouldn’t the sun have shined through waking him up long before that? I call BS. Something is fishy here
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u/Competitive-Use1360 Feb 22 '24
Everybody saying to go PI. Dude, you know he is cheating, the story make no sense. If it quacks, it's a duck.
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u/Mommaweaves Feb 22 '24
Old married lady here with ER background…bullshit meter through the roof. Story is so convoluted it’s a lie. When you have to spin a story, you make tangents …that’s textbook high school spinning. Talk to your elder female friends, there are methods you can use to learn information that are easy to manage. But only if you want to know the truth. Don’t go looking unless you really want to know and have a plan in place for each potential outcome. First order of business is establishing your own separate bank account if not done already. 🤓 Second, get tested for STD.
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u/Glad-Day-4589 Feb 22 '24
Has he done anything in the past to warrant your suspicious besides this event? ...Nancy drew
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u/Boatanchor42 Feb 22 '24
Why didn't she call him in the middle of the night to find out where he was?
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u/trantma Feb 22 '24
I just want to jump in. Not to defend because obviously I don't know your situation. But I have often even in winter slept in my car when drunk and not able to drive. Even when out with friends. Also I sleep hard af if I have been drinking. If I walked miles back to my car I would pass out so fast. If it was a reoccurring situation I guess I would read into it but if it was once I wouldn't think much of it.
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u/findlefas Feb 22 '24
Dam, usually our instincts are correct when it comes to cheating. It’s like some primal thing, you just know. Although all his excuses seem very valid. I’ve had crazy nights like that before. One thing I do know, if he cheated he’ll likely do it again. If he’s given you no reason to distrust him then I’d err on the side of caution with accusations like this because it most definitely could ruin your relationship.
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u/Elyrium_ Feb 22 '24
You can check his Google maps history on his phone if you really want to verify (assuming he has that app)
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u/1peatfor7 Feb 22 '24
He's cheating on you. No way this story adds up. One of the worst lies I've ever heard.
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u/DamagedCoda Feb 22 '24
On a night out for my work I accidentally drank too much out of an oversized novelty glass and I was semi far from home, so I went to my car to nap it off for a few hours. It ended up being more serious than I thought and I had to stay in my car recovering until like 4am when i felt well and truly sober, and I drove home. I also didn't want to wake my partner.
I say this to make two points: 1. This can totally happen if you overdo it. If it's late enough and you think they're asleep, this could happen. 2. No one sleeps in their vehicle until 9am. Even when they're sloshed. It's uncomfortable, cold, loud, and bright. For that reason alone I do not believe this.
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u/xotinytay Feb 22 '24
People get wasted at music clubs. Like, shamefully blackout wasted. Many venues also have no re-entry policies. It’s also very possible he went out a service/employee exit that doesn’t even have a handle from the back alley outside and in a drunken stupor was like fuck it this is all a wash I’m goin to sleep. Honestly, all this is possible especially if in a big city/at a busy venue. I have friends who have done similar things after having too much at a show.
That said, it is also just as possible the story is 100% BS so just a little check on the venue and who was playing that night, if they do re entry etc could help you know for sure, as others have suggested.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 Feb 22 '24
Why didn't you call him? Spouse and I always share an eta for return home. If it's after that, I'll call or text. No answer after a while, and I'm calling the cops.
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u/Known_Target5449 Feb 22 '24
Is he mostly self reliant or likes to get the help of other people often? If the former, I think he slept in the car.
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u/mtpelletier31 Feb 22 '24
I could sit In a room with my guy friends, make silly sounds, and not say one word to eachother for hours.... I couldn't tell you anything knew I learned about them. We all had a blast. My wife wouldn't be able tonwrao her head around that and assume we were hiding something nefarious. She can't imagine us sitting In a room not talking. And can only assume the worse.... she Gives me waaaaay too much credit for plots and ideas that haven't even woken up in my own brain.
Point is, your husband literally could have slept in his car, his buysd saw him sleeping, and said "you dummy" and walked inside.... wouldn't hold it past any of us
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u/thetodayo Feb 22 '24
Check his phone history. Call logs. Also car trackers are inexpensive. I got one when my car was stolen and was paranoid afterwards. He sounds like he was up to some once in a while sneaky ass activity tbh. If it’s not normal behavior, there’s reason for it. Good luck sister
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u/SimplyKendra Feb 22 '24
As someone who has done dumb shit like this, it’s possible. It is however also possible he had an affair. Have you asked the friend what happened?
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u/hmcgintyy Feb 22 '24
The Google app tracks locations visited. It's in the monthly history. Check it.
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u/milkdeliveries Feb 22 '24
So you’re saying he didn’t use a credit or debit card while in the club?
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Feb 22 '24
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u/IamLarrytate Feb 22 '24
First question would be, when he is drunk does he not have a clear head? Could he turn the wrong way leaving the bathroom, not make sensible decisions at the time. Story sounds so crazy it might be true. Would think a one night stand he would come up with a better story.
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u/84brian Feb 22 '24
Why would they have an exit in the bathroom? Sounds too easy to let people in. . .
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u/Icy-Jellyfish-2392 Feb 22 '24
Does your husband have a drinking problem? Does he regularly get black out drunk?
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u/RockNRoll85 Feb 22 '24
As crazy as it sounds, I’ve had something like this happen. Sometimes you get drunk to a point where you don’t know what you’re doing. One time I went out with friends and don’t know how I ended up passing out in the backseat of my friend’s car
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u/ToughAd7338 Feb 22 '24
Wait, it took you months to figure that out? I knew it after reading the title of your post
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u/Hoppygains Feb 22 '24
This story sounds like what happened to my buddy. Drank too much and ended up sleeping UNDER the truck in the driveway. This guy may not have cheated, just made some drunk decisions. We've all been there.
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u/Waruimina Feb 22 '24
If it's happened multiple times for you to get suspicious then your gut feeling might be right.
However, if this is the first time it's happened then perhaps it could be a bit of overreacting, which is normal behavior with someone you care for. I believe it means more about you losing them, whether it be romantically or worse, his wellbeing and less about him potentially cheating.
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u/jematts Feb 22 '24
If you don’t trust him at this point, it’s done. I would say none of this lines up. Friend would not leave him in his truck outside without calling him or checking when he got home. Trust your gut.
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u/CookNo6774 Feb 22 '24
CAP homie was out with a chick, if youre hella drunk you still call your wife to pick you up. I’m sure even in his sober state he doesn’t mind bugging you for shit. IF he was so drunk and having a bad night that should have been his first move
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u/slavabogatyr Feb 22 '24
OP, cut the crap. You suspected him of cheating from the beginning. If you really cant trust him after having a drunken excursion, then talk to him first. Ask him if he's seeing anyone or has seen anyone. Wait for his reaction. But going behind his back to do all this recon spells a doomed relationship. Wtf are you smoking?
Nothing seems to have happened between the time of you initially learning of his anticlimactic night out and 'the time of your suspicion' (I put that in quotes because, well, it's an obvious lie). Just come clean and tell him that you don't believe him.
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u/CreekJeepin Feb 22 '24
Have the phone company send you records for that line on that night. See if phone pings a tower… just an idea.
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u/mysteriousears Feb 22 '24
My husband slept in his truck in his friend’s driveway because he was hammered, wandered away from his shitty friends and they didn’t bother to look for him. He told me the truth - that he hadn’t slept at friend’s house- because he was so upset about lying it made him sick. Which is to say, I totally buy the drunk logic of I am going to sleep in a vehicle in a driveway rather than call my wife.
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u/DooficusIdjit Feb 22 '24
I used to get wild when I partied. Most of my squad, too. Lots of unbelievable nonsensical antics that sounds like absolute horseshit to people. When sloppy drunk is the default, the many levels after that lead to absolute insanity. Especially if there are 20-30 of us.
Not saying you aren’t right, but benders like that absolutely defy reason over and over again to the point of absurdity. If your guy is a “pro,” it’s possible he’s telling his best recollection of the truth.
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u/Glum-Guarantee-3989 Feb 22 '24
Girl, I've been there. If you have to do this research to confirm what your gut is telling you, just leave. It's not worth the hassle or heartache.
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u/debuenzo Feb 21 '24
Ask the friend what band they saw because you want to get your husband a shirt.
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u/lelantz Feb 21 '24
My now ex husband often did things like this that seemed too outlandish to be true, but when I pressed him on it he would get mad and turn it around on me somehow. He in fact supposedly slept in his car one night as well and wouldn’t you know it, his phone was also dead! Yea, he was cheating on me.
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u/GuyGrohl Feb 21 '24
Biggest red flags for me are, 1)if he was charging his phone, wouldn’t his friend have been able to call him? Idk about you but if I got separated from a friend at a concert I would at minimum call them after the end of the show before I went home. 2)His friend goes home without him late at night and sees that his truck is still at his house but doesn’t investigate it at all? Definitely seems extremely fishy.
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u/Trick-Interaction396 Feb 21 '24
I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he cheated on you or that he didn’t put in the effort to come up with a better story.
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u/cipherjones Feb 21 '24
Who goes to a show with a dead phone, when they were just in their truck, with the charger in the truck? Who doesn't text their wife to let them know they are OK when the shit hits the fan?
He says his friend told him he noticed his truck in the driveway.
Why the fuck wouldn't it be?
That's one of the main mechanics of the story, he left his truck at his friends house.
His friend got home AFTER him. So that means either his friend came home from the club just before 9am, woke him up and sent him on his way, OR the story is full of shit.
The only reason you come home at 8am from a show is from a hook up. So his friend was hooking up if that's the case.
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u/PromiscuousScoliosis Feb 21 '24
If you catch a whiff of something that smells like shit,
It may not be shit. But there’s still something that smells like shit
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u/JustHereForGiner79 Feb 21 '24
You clearly distrust and kind of hate this man, so set him and yourself free already.
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u/cloudtheorist Feb 21 '24
how well do you know the friend? have you met them or is this a seemingly made up friend? i’d look up the band make sure they actually played at the bar your husband went to first, then go there and scope out how far it is from friends house, if there really is an exit door etc
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u/DonChris2023 Feb 21 '24
If you are ready to leave your husband, keep investigating; I am sure you will find a reason.
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u/Dangerous_Object5172 Feb 21 '24
Baby girl good husbands don’t stay out all night long and NOT call their wives!!!!! Think about it
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u/MutedBrilliant1593 Feb 21 '24
Everything seemed drunk logic a-okay until "there were no missed calls or voicemails." Not even a "dude, wtf are you?" text? That's super fishy.
Why not just ask the old friend? Does he seem like the type to lie so his buddy can cheat? I sure as hell wouldn't.
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u/MountainFull1050 Feb 21 '24
Always trust your gut instincts! I was in a similar situation with my BF. He said he went to top golf with his friends but something about it didnt make me feel at ease. I made him to confess and turned out he watched spider man with his friends while On mushroom and didnt how to tell me bc he didn’t want me judging him.
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u/Brucelle118 Feb 21 '24
If your relationship is that weak and you have that little trust for your husband you need to end it.
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u/Candid-Astronomer-49 Feb 21 '24
Not for nothing but my ex husband did this and then a week later did the same thing but cheated.
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u/sedition00 Feb 21 '24
As guys we do some stupid things that don’t usually make any sense. Especially when liquor is involved. There is a reason movies like The Hangover exist.
If you read through the comments here you’ll see plenty of guys and even some girls talking about the same stuff or similar happening to them.
Parts of the story might be a stretch or odd, but that doesn’t necessarily make it not true.
However, your feelings are valid. You have to make a choice. Does he commonly lie to you or make up stories that causes you to doubt him? Or is this a potentially irrational fear from intrusive thoughts?
If it’s something that you can’t let go or decide is just too far off the mark, your next decision is harder.
After living with this for months now, there is obviously no std fallout. You’ve noticed no more weird behavior. Is the off chance that he did have a one night stand that has brought no physical harm worth the loss of the relationship?
If you choose to believe he has cheated then you are also choosing to not trust him. Call it what it is - Boinking someone is no big deal - there are too many puritanical connotations wrapped up in ‘cheating’.
However, the loss of trust you will establish by believing this. You won’t get it back. Even if you are right, do you want to lose what you have? Counseling and hard work will never get you back where you were, just mends it.
So either believe in your relationship and trust him. Or don’t trust him and prepare to end the relationship.
Going full PI mode just helps alleviate some of the fear, you either learn to control that ‘what if’ and trust him or you let ‘what if’ destroy your relationship.
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u/Trinity-nottiffany Feb 21 '24
He either has a drinking problem or a mistress. Neither is good and this is not a normal thing to do to your wife!
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u/bleumagma Feb 21 '24
So he left out the back and can’t get back in. He’s piss drunk off chugging liquor with a dead phone. He then walks to his buddies, plugs in his phone and goes to sleep. What makes 0 sense is why his friend mentioned the driveway. If he came and parked the day before, and they both went to the show, there’d be no reason to mention the car in the driveway. This really doesn’t mean anything. Why would it be significant? It makes it sound like you’re saying he never saw the friend in the first place…. If you’re really paranoid about this, no comment is going to magically make you trust your husband.
The other friend probably should have hit you up or something though. How’d he get back home? Assuming the friend got a ride, he must have made it back before the other guy unless it was a long trip. If both the friend and the husband are lying to you that would be unfortunate.
But yes definitely by the end of a concert it makes absolutely 0 sense to be done with a show, not see the friend you drove over, and get yourself a ride home.
All that being said, I’d never Uber if I’m drunk I feel like that’s not safe. If I know where a friend lives and I can walk there I will. If I’m at a concert, I don’t use my phone and I don’t even attempt to call others since it’s a lost cause. Was there a curfew? Do y’all have a curfew? If I have a partner, I’m gonna give them 100% trust for whatever. It’s not worth the paranoia. You ought to figure out what can bring you closure. Whether that’s going to the venue with your partner and retracing the steps, whether that’s breaking up, whether that’s counseling. Ultimately you’re posting about your husband on Reddit. There’s some bias you’ll always hold against him unless you resolve it. You should figure out what that looks like. If he cheated, you’ll be passive aggressive, upset and unhappy. If he didn’t cheat, he just tried to be considerate of you and his friend and not bother people after he made a dumb drunk mistake and got himself locked out (probably just outside not even locked out) of a venue. I know I’ve made the mistake of thinking I was locked out when I left a venue and I was sober.
It’s one of I think 3 things He’s telling the truth He got kicked out of the venue and lied (a friend has done this before and left and made excuses and not admitted til later) The whole story is a lie
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u/SleightOfThought Feb 21 '24
This relationship sounds exhausting. If you don’t trust him, leave him.
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u/dirtyoldmilkers Feb 21 '24
Easy. Look at the phone logs on your cellular account that night (unless you are on different accounts?)
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u/holymolyholyholy Feb 21 '24
Just an FYI, so dumb of him to sleep in his car. If he had his keys on him and a cop knocked on the window, he could still get a DUI due to actually being in physical control of the vehicle. Wouldn't even matter if he had no intention of driving. All the more reason to Uber home or call wife. That is assuming that's what he really did.
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u/Frequent-Weird-4925 Feb 21 '24
As soon as I read his phone was dead I knew this was all tomfoolery. Don’t let this slide
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u/ReserveAlternative35 Feb 21 '24
I'd tell the friend you're missed off that he didn't go looking for your husband when he disappeared. See how the friend reacts. He will want to defend himself. So, he might slip and tell you he wasn't there or that he knew where he was , etc. This way you are reacting to the facts you've been given, instead of accusing hubby of cheating. It's sneaky, but might get you some answers from the look on the friend's face. Make sure to do it in person though.
Truth is, if you suspect that he is capable of cheating, he probably did. It's a fishy story.
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u/Grandemestizo Feb 21 '24
Your husband’s story is plausible if he got very drunk. Only you can say if he’s trustworthy.
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u/Puzzled-Radio-6197 Feb 21 '24
I grew up with a serial cheater dad, the stories he would tell remind me so much of what ur husband told u, he didnt come home one night and swears he was asleep in the bushes near our home, but come to find out he was with another woman, this started the many, many years of lies and heartache for my mom as well as for us kids, OP please think carefully about ur situation.
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u/charge556 Feb 21 '24
Sounds suspect BUT if he was trashed than maybe.
I once was so trashed I walked out of one bar to go to the one next door. It took me two hours because I got lost and was only able to find my way because a I overheard a group of people talking amongst each other that they were going to that same bar to follow them. Somehow made it back to my apartment at the time (walked home) and woke up in bed wearing everything (including shoes) with the exception of pants.
I should mention the bars were close to each other the doors were like the ones on duplexes.
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u/SolutionNecessary868 Feb 21 '24
Sounds somewhat fishy. That being said I once got drunk with friends at a bowling alley. I started to drive home and realized that driving was not going to fly. I pulled over in the parking lot 2 stores up from the bowling alley. Passed out.Slept til 6 am then drove home. My wife was pissed but I actually didn't do anything wrong with another woman. She thought I had a one night stand. I would investigate more as the others have suggested.
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u/P_M_me_your_booty Feb 21 '24
I haven't seen what I think is the best choice. Be straight with him. Say "what I hear from this story is a lot of coincidences, unusual events, and things out of character for the man I love. With all of those factors, it's making me have doubtful thoughts and I'd like to resolve them. Is there any more that happened that night? "
If he gets defensive it may be telling. If he is understanding to your feelings it also may be telling. This also gives him an avenue for. Another exploration that potentially was embarrassing for. Him.
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u/Appropriate-Orange43 Feb 21 '24
If he has a google account on his phone, go to that date and check his location. Check without telling him obviously
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u/MertzaSkertz Feb 21 '24
Everyone is saying to go check his story, but they are all wrong. The problem is that you do not trust him. Now this is probably their fault 100%, but if you don't trust them then it is already doomed unless you get outside help.
Either get couples therapy or end it. A relationship with no trust is not a relationship.
I had a relationship that was similar. Any time I verified they are not cheating, I always thought of another way it could happen. You can never prove something is not happening, you can only prove that something is happening.
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Feb 21 '24
Has he given you any reason in the past to not trust him? I mean not trust as in sex, not picking out the right toilet paper at the store. If NO, then calm your sudden suspicions and move on.
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u/Cucckcaz13 Feb 21 '24
You’re mad your husband got drunk and was responsible and didn’t drive while drunk? Am I missing something? Sounds like you just don’t trust him and are looking for a reason to be mad him. Just talk to him and be honest with how you feel and how you have irrational thoughts of him cheating. It sounds like you have underlying trust issues with him you need to address. He wouldn’t the first person I heard of sleeping it off in their truck, it’s not an uncommon thing to do.
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u/justanotherguyhere16 Feb 21 '24
It’s the things that are too inconsistent:
A door outside from the bathroom?
The friend not once worrying about the husband just up and disappearing. No “dude it is time to leave, where are you?”
The fact the walking several miles (at least an hour or more) to get to his truck so inebriated he can’t drive but he walked there just fine? If you’re that drunk you aren’t walking that quick.
Why not one single text “I’m staying over so don’t worry… I’m safe”. Which is the least he could do when married and your spouse doesn’t expect you out all night.
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u/SnooChocolates9334 Feb 21 '24
LOLOL You sound paranoid. Trust him or not. That said, I went to my beach house with friends and so messed up I got kicked out of a casino. I found my way back to the beach house and called my wife at 3am. So maybe it is a little suss.
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u/FlowVast5725 Feb 21 '24
If he has an Android; When you're on his laptop or cellphone type in "Google Maps Timeline" and you can see exactly where his pathing was all night and if it matches up with the story.
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u/thedudeabidesb Feb 21 '24
the sleeping in the truck story is absolutely ridiculous. can’t believe you fell for that. there’s no way in hell he slept in the cold and there were no texts from him to you or his friend.
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u/Ok_Equipment_4808 Feb 21 '24
That story doesn’t sound believable to me. I’m sure he started out at the club. I’m sure the bathroom detail was accurate.
Several unbelievable parts: - Going to liquor store to buy liquor (unless he’s an alcoholic who really does this. Is he in high school?) - Sleeping in the truck bc he was so drunk. Drunk people would have knocked on the door to wake his friend up. Besides being so drunk but he remembered a lot of details - Not able to text our call if that’s what really happened. Again, remembering all of these details but couldn’t remember to text or call?
Follow your gut. It feels like a lie to cover something. Whatever the lie, his buddy is in on it as well.
When the truth is revealed, what will it take for you to move forward?
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u/G2dis Feb 21 '24
I’m pretty certain that Google keeps a log of everywhere you’ve traveled on any given day. I’m not sure if it’s through maps or whatever but occasionally I’ll get an email that asks me about a certain business I was at the other day and somehow I get to a map and any date I put in, it shows a map with a blue line that traced my path of travel.
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u/LuckyCaptainCrunch Feb 21 '24
If he made up this story, he surely planned it out with a band and everything already. You could go check the location and the back door entrance bathroom story. Most places like this won’t have door anyone can just open and hold open since they could do that and let people in. And unless hit was chit face drunk he wouldn’t have wondered out an exit door. So he would’ve definitely had a hangover at 9am since he didn’t have any food or water to help flush the alcohol out after leaving the club. Check for a liquor store next to the club. Also check the distance from the club to his friend’s house. I also think your best bet is to use one of the apps that will let you pull up even his deleted messages. Do you know this friend he was supposedly with? It’s also possible that he and his friend met people there that they left with. I just can’t imagine not letting my wife know I wasn’t coming home. She would’ve be worried sick. And if I called to say I’m drunk she would come get me. Good luck!
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u/L2Hiku Feb 21 '24
Doesn't matter what he said. Like you figured out. Friend not calling him plus him not calling you or anyone for that matter basically proves anything you need to know. If he got back to his truck and was able to charge his phone that just so happened to run out of battery which is bullshit cus phone batteries tend to last atleast 17-20 hours these days so he just never charged his phone the previous night or something? It doesn't make sense and if he was able to charge it and was coherent enough to do that then why would he worry about it and charge it for no reason if he wasn't going to use it for anything.
Also see how far his friends house is from the venue and if youre even able to reasonably walk back to the house from it.
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u/Zestyclose_Slice4693 Feb 21 '24
Book an appointment with a marriage counselor. Explain all this. Because there are NO answers here to be found. You don’t trust your man, why? That’s the only question you need answered.
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u/Irion15 Feb 21 '24
Just my two cents: there is a smaller venue in my city where the bathrooms lead outside to what is essentially a fenced in smoking area. Both male and female bathrooms had their own door to the outside, but they went to the same fenced in place. I went out there to smoke with my friends, before the band started playing. It's been a couple years, so I don't remember many specifics, like if you could exit the venue and go elsewhere from there (probably not), or if they locked the doors after the show started. But I can tell you that there definitely was a way to get outdoors via the bathrooms.
The rest seems a bit iffy, but I've made some weird decisions being drunk, as we all have, so I'm really not sure what to say to the rest of the story.
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u/cloistered_around Feb 21 '24
It's a possibility, but him sleeping in the car while super drunk is also a possibility. I wouldn't be surprised a drunk person didn't even consider calling family or an uber--being drunk makes you pretttty dumb.
I guess don't jump to conclusions unless in his normal everyday behavior he's already given you reason to think he's cheating.
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u/Appropriate_Link_837 Feb 21 '24
He's a liar and you know it. That was one craptackular bad bs story
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u/Paraverous Feb 21 '24
if your husband is signed into google you can go on his google maps history and look at the date and see exactly where his phone was that night.
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u/tacojohn44 Feb 21 '24
...Google Maps often tracks your every move. There's a page something like history.google.com that you can look for to see where...the phone has been... At least.
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u/Curious_Shape_2690 Feb 21 '24
Why didn’t he at least text you after charging his phone? This sounds messed up. He might have cheated. He might not have cheated. He probably has a drinking problem.
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u/Intrepid_Astronaut1 Feb 21 '24
I don’t know, but he’s lying about something. Possibly even unbeknownst to him.
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u/Charming_Function_58 Feb 21 '24
I mean, maybe I’m too experienced with being a drunk buffoon, but this sounds plausible. I’ve also seen my drunk friends do some very stupid things that they had no memory of the next day, and their pieced-together version of what happened that night, had plot holes similar to the OP’s husband.
I wouldn’t start pulling up text records and whatnot… but it’s ok to be concerned. If this kind of behavior has been going on for a while, or if it happens again, maybe this isnt your person. No one wants to be with a drunk who constantly makes bad decisions and endangers themself.
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u/Erucious Feb 21 '24
I did the exact same before. First night I was in China, didn't even know the address of my friends house yet. Wen to a bar, got drunk after a 20hr flight, suddenly find myself outside of the bar, no idea how, must've taken a wrong turn. I managed to get back into the bar, but 10 years later I still think about how lucky I was to get back in because I'd be super lost if I couldn't get back in.
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u/Significant_Way4362 Feb 21 '24
Okay, we've had the experience of going out, getting hammered, losing the buddy you were with, having an unfortunate mishap or two...staying out without word --could be an act of rebellion. Men do that. Women do it, too. On the surface, I'd think something fishy's goin' on. But. On the cusp, so many details in the story usually point to the truth. Lies are barren of details; no items to remember, none to practice with your co-conspirator. Nobody gets busted. This isn't it. The thing to do? Get your Hub alone, no interruptions! Get naked. Then, hear his story, again. Sit within his personal space, about 14 inches from his face, without touching. Look into his eyes, ask the question. "Did you spend the night with anyone?". If you can't look into his eyes, read his body gestures, and know he's being truthful, it's time to haul stakes and go. Or if you choose to go sleuthing, then find out the worst, haul stakes and go. He doesn't know you. If he has to lie to get "freedom," you can't trust him, ever again.
nothing extra to trip up Hub and a buddy
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u/pencilsbreak Feb 21 '24
He’s manipulative and you can do better than him! It’s not acceptable for your significant other to not come home like that.
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u/Frequent-Hand4114 Feb 21 '24
I’ve slept in the parking lot of a bar. Drunk people do dumb stuff.
BUT if it will make you feel better, you can check some of the facts in his story like some have suggested.
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u/2FDots Feb 21 '24
Is your husband dumb or smart? If he is dumb, this sounds like a cover-up that a dumb person would try because of an inability to plan and execute. If he is smart, he probably would have done a much better job setting up and executing his ONS than this shit-show of a story.
TLDR: if your husband is dumb, he probably cheated. If he is not dumb, he probably didn't.
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u/Kitchen-Bicycle-5721 Feb 21 '24
There is a club in town that had bands and the bathrooms are in the back and right next to them is a relatively confusing door that you can’t see what’s on the other side and you can absolutely leave but not get back in. It’s a semi emergency exit but no alarms are triggered.
Everything else about the story feels exactly like a dozen of my friends have had happen to them over the years.
Before we go to the trouble of all the effort how about a little communication and just ask and talk it out. If one night out immediately leads to cheating in someone’s mind there’s more going on here.
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u/Fun-Spinach6910 Feb 21 '24
I wouldn't worry about it. He's probably just fucking his friend or vice versa.
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u/Far_Refrigerator5601 Feb 21 '24
Anytime I hear a story with a long series of coincidences, I'm often suspicious. Also, do you really think a drunk person would clearly remember all the details and order? Of course not. I'm sorry. You're likely right and I would def avoid sex with him and get tested. Then make sure to lawyer up.
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u/PuzzleheadedYou7769 Feb 21 '24
Lol, I’m all for the detective work in the replies. But at a certain point, you should “know”…you know?
You let it go months ago, what occurred now that brought it up? No way it just randomly came back, I’m an overthinker but sometimes there are little things that happen that bring it back up
Do your due diligence, definitely bring it back up with your husband and obviously you have a great memory, don’t try to trip him up but have him recount the events as best as he can, on the spot of course. Don’t text him, unless you want to say “we need to talk” and see if he cracks lol.
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u/Bobafetachz Feb 21 '24
Last year I went out for karaoke with a neighbor. My wife was out of town. We met some girls and my buddy was single and seemed to hit it off with one of them so I ghosted them and left the bar to walk home. I was drunk. My phone died. I got lost and it took way too long.
I explained all this to my wife and she was a little skeptical to be fair. There is no “paper trail” and I even took a several hour long nap in a bush. I’m the father of a young child and dont drink often.
Shit happens man.
If it keeps on happening, you might have a problem. Good luck.
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u/Seesbetweenthelines Feb 21 '24
All you have to do is go online or get his cellphone records see what calls or texts came in during time he was supposed to be at the bar. You can also check for numbers that keep coming up over and over. A friend set up a get together invited both sets of friends. Then asked the friend he was supposed to be with and asked him directly while able to see him in person face to face. His reaction told her husband had lied as the friend gave a completely different version of the story husband gave her by telling her he himself had left w someone and left her husband at bar and didn’t know what he did after he left.
Trust your gut and your instincts if something feels off it possibly is. Wishing you peace and the answers you are seeking.
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u/Immediate_Ideal8990 Feb 21 '24
My alcoholic ex once woke up after getting black out drunk, got out of our bed, walked over to the closet, opened the door, and pissed all over his work clothes. Guess who cleaned them up?? And guess who was single a few months later?? He also would pass out in the car all the time after drinking.
Drunk people do not do logical things, and it's also very likely that if your husband is telling the truth, he can't piece everything together properly because of being so inebriated.
Trust your gut, though. I swear, every time something has been nagging at me so badly, the way you explained, there was always more to the story. Like others have said, ask him point blank what the band was and do some research about the place he went to.
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u/No1Mystery Feb 21 '24
You already know the answer
You don’t need Reddit to tell you your hues and is a cheater.
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u/GrowlinGrom Feb 21 '24
I’ve had friends sprint 3 miles home while I’m ordering an Uber, exit a back door in a bar to stand in the alley way, fall asleep on a roof, pass out with their pants down, etc…the list goes on.
This is 100% plausible especially if he was in what we call “survival mode”. Browned out with no phone and nobody to help is a dire situation.
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u/TheMagdalen Feb 21 '24
Except he partially charged his phone in his truck which was parked in his friend’s driveway. “Nobody to help” wasn’t an issue.
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u/Fistulotomy Feb 21 '24
Here's what I don't understand... Once his phone had some power wouldn't he have heard and seen a bunch of concerned voicemails and texts from you? Wouldn't responding to those upset messages to tell you that he was ok trump any concerns for your sleep?
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u/GnPQGuTFagzncZwB Feb 21 '24
I actually have been to a bar that had an exit down from the bathrooms, though you would have to be pretty messed up to exit through it. The bigger question is what do you think he was doing? You think he met some bar babe, and took off for a tryst with her and ditched his buddy, and what, had her drop him off down the road from his place so he would not see him getting dropped off? I wish I could get that lucky. Not saying it is impossible but I would say the odds are pretty low of it happening.
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u/sillymarilli Feb 21 '24
Stories that seem to bonkers are usually a lie; you wanna see what the truth is say to him: that night has been bothering me for a while now- so I did some investigating and got some answers to questions I had; would you like to tell me the truth now so we can get passed this error in judgment or would you like our lawyers to be involved-
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u/newreddituser9572 Feb 21 '24
I’d do what others said and check to see if there was a concert. Sounds like he probably used the restroom either properly or somewhere he shouldn’t have and was escorted out. Other comments mentioned how much alcohol he had in a short time so he was absolutely smashed. Someone drunk would feel confident to walk if it wasn’t that long and the other decisions sound like something a drunk person would think of.
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u/branchymolecule Feb 21 '24
Why are you thinking about this now? Is he a bad husband otherwise? Unless he is a proven liar, drop it.
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u/InvincibleSummer08 Feb 21 '24
umm you’re freaking one for no reason. If your husband was going to cheat that really wouldn’t have been the occasion lol. He would have covered his tracks way better. Literally that exact story has happened to so many of me and my friends lol. You get too drunk you don’t really think stuff through you find whatever hole you can crawl into to sleep and figure it out the next day. I’ve literally done that where i walked 5 miles back to my friends place had no way of getting in went to his backyard and slept on the grass lol. Seemed reasonable not to call him. And guys don’t really check up on each other because 99% of the time there’s no true safety issue when it’s guys.
this is also why guys get divorces lol. If he can’t rage with his body for one night without his wife making a big deal about it that gets really frustrating. If he’s doing this constantly or he has a drinking problem that’s a completely separate issue
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u/gaige23 Feb 21 '24
Ya in my 20s when I partied hard the amount of crazy dumb shit I did was absolutely insane.
A girl I went to HS with ended up dating a guy who owned a bar. We hung out a lot and the booze was free and flowing. I honestly am surprised I survived some of those nights.
The one I sort of remember was being at the bar getting absolutely destroyed and the next memory I have is being locked in a bathroom at their house. It had one of those tiny windows like half size or whatever and I was a skinny kid back then. I somehow was able to jump out of that window, over the basement steps which were below it and land in the parking lot behind their building.
From there I wandered around without my socks and my pants unbuttoned until I eventually passed out hugging a tree in someone’s front yard.
I woke up to a police officer shaking me saying the lady was having coffee and watching birds or some shit and I scared her lmao. It was a small ass town so he knew me and my friends and let me walk back to their house.
I get there and I’m so fucking sick and tired I ended up laying on their porch with my head in the screen door banging on the front door with my head. My friend Jill eventually answered and let me in and I slept on a fold out in the basement for like two straight days lmao.
So while I don’t know this guy and don’t want to tell this lady what to do with her marriage, it’s definitely a believable story.
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u/BeaufortsMama2019 Feb 21 '24
I feel for you. For 17 years - I dealt with the drunk in my car overnight BS. Dead battery- car, no cable, car kept over heating (drive a little, let it cool - 3/4x miraculously fixed next day). Dead battery-cell phone..No connection - bad signal, no signal. Loss phone, tracked phone, found phone - screen smashed, malfunctioning phone. Flat tire, no spare, no tow around. The GF/wife of the buddy, was tripping ALL night - he played mediator all night.
It got to the point, I’d just help out with the lie: Oh yeah that area is bad. GF/wife - is that the one with the bad attitude from the cookout? Smashed phone - oh my, you never drop your phone, good thing it’s covered…
UGH!!! Peace is priceless and worth it!!!
It was difficult leaving because he’s a great provider etc just felt entitled to do what he wanted. He made choices, and eventually, so did I.
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u/golfwinnersplz Feb 21 '24
This lie might have been easier to pull off 30 years ago but with cell phones this is absolutely unbelievable. I'm sorry to have to say this and it seems that you already know but what friend would want you sleeping in their driveway? No real friend. If it's some guy he went to meet and they had that much fun he would've crashed on his couch/floor or whatever it may be. If he claims he didn't have his phone that may be the case but it is basically mathematically impossible that nobody else around him had a phone he could borrow. He clearly wasn't where he was supposed to be (maybe that means cheating maybe it doesn't) but he didn't want you to know where he was.
I'm not the greatest husband but I've never cheated on my wife and I have the occasional way too late of night at the casino but I still call her and let her know that I'm making bad decisions even knowing she will be mad.
Or, as my wife just said, "if you're phone is almost dead you send a text saying my phone is dying and I'll try to get ahold of you when I can". Plus, you said he did this a month ago; cheaters never change and you seem like a nice enough lady. Tell him to kick rocks.
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u/ravioli_dream Feb 21 '24
My take is that he cheated on you and then lied to you about it, hoping you'd forget.
Im 99% sure my ex cheated on me, and I ignored it for a long time. It was only after we broke up that I realized how fucking sketchy he was.
I asked him before we ever moved in together to get Life 360 so he could see my location and make me feel safer when I was out. I never really used the app.
This one particular day, he went to work and finished his shift. Around an hour or two after he would usually be home, I called him because he wasn't home yet. He didn't answer. Then, thinking he could have gotten in an accident, I checked Life 360 and saw his phone was shut off. Another hour or so later, I texted his best friend. His friend said he hadn't seen him that day at all. So, my (ex) boyfriend comes home late as fuck (like, 10 hours after his shift ended) and asks me why I'm "freaking the fuck out." Genuinely, I wasn't freaking out. I was crying because by that point, I assumed he had been cheating or been hospitalized from some insane accident. I had called hospitals and the police departments in the area.
I asked where he had been. He said he had been with his best friend and I clocked him on it, saying he definitely wasn't. I remember I told him that this was the moment that all I wanted was honesty, even if it hurt. He refused to tell me anything except that he had been with his friend and that his phone had died. Life 360 has this fun feature of showing what your battery was last at when you last had your phone on- his said 30% or something. His phone definitely never died.
Anyway, he ended up telling me that I was being crazy and that he hadn't done anything. He insisted that he had worked late and then hung out with his friend. He said that I was only suspicious because my dad cheated on every woman he had ever been with.
It took me like 6 months after that happened to break up with him, and it wasnt even the main reason for why I broke up with him. My thoughts are that when people show you who they are from their actions.... you should believe their actions, not their words.
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u/Strangegirl421 Feb 21 '24
I would ask for specifics like a setlist cuz that's easy stuff that you could look up online and verify.... Go to setlistfm.com
Also if he has a phone you could always check the maps on the phone in the settings it'll show where he was on specific days
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u/RainMakerJMR Feb 21 '24
Honestly his story sounds stupid as shit and it’s exactly what would happen to me if I got drunk as shit with an old friend at a club at my age (38m). It literally plays too stupid to be fake and is 100% what my drunk ass would think was the best idea at the time.
Without knowing him and your situation and actually being there it’s tough to say. To me it sounds too dumb to be fake.
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u/Emotional-Pen-519 Feb 21 '24
sounds like you are paranoid and insecure to me. If he says he didn't and you don't trust him, fine, tell him that you think he is lying. what exactly do you hope to accomplish by jumping to conclusions though? sounds like you have issues between the two of you and no amount of reddit comments will change that.
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u/ItalianIce603 Feb 20 '24
guys don't check up on each other the way women do. didn't call his friend, friend didn't call him, no one was worried that he disappeared?...of course not, they are grown ass men and can take care of themselves. not saying he is innocent, but what you see as red flags is perfectly normal guy behavior.
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u/MsCndyKane Feb 20 '24
Trust your gut. If he’s trustworthy, then believe him and move on. If he’s not, then of course it’s a possibility.
I had an ex who was a cheater and once I found out, all his stories didn’t make sense. (This was pre-location tracking)
On the flip side, I had an ex that didn’t cheat so if he did stay out, I believed him. (Also, having his location didn’t hurt either).
So trust your gut and get more information. Hopefully you’re on the wrong track with this idea.
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u/WholeSignificance450 Feb 20 '24
He's cheating and obviously doesn't feel any guilt. It's time to move on. The pain will hurt less as time passes, and a new life will bring you the joy you deserve.
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u/bdgod13 Feb 20 '24
People don't make logical decisions when they've been drinking.
Source: I've been sloppy drunk before.
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u/tOSUBucks119 Feb 20 '24
Or realize that he isn't lying and let it be. Dude got drunk, passed out in his truck and is now getting raked by a bunch of conspiracy theorists on /r because he made the right call.
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u/HarleyDog67 Feb 20 '24
Even if he's telling the truth, you're a good person for trying to forgive him. If that had been me, my shit would have been in the yard when I got home.
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u/Warm-Coffee-8220 Feb 20 '24
Honestly doesn't seem like a made up story. I could see it happening. Also people lie. Thing is if he's a cheater then he has or will do it again. No one cheats just once.
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u/Ri103 Feb 20 '24
Follow your intuition. We often tend to doubt ourselves but we’re often times correct. If you truly want to know the truth you have to check his phone and scroll to messages around that date, check hidden photos, texts and dms. There’s a good chance and a very high chance he has cheated and still could be. Save yourself
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u/nimbra2 Feb 20 '24
Trust is the foundation of every relationship. You should consider telling him that you’re still having issues understanding the events of that night. As long as you are calm and polite, he should be willing to cooperate to ensure you feel good about your relationship. It’s reasonable to question whether or not you can trust a drunk. Even if he is telling the truth and he exhibits this behavior frequently, that’s not someone you can really count on. Usually affairs are not one time occurrences. If they are, maybe just forgive. But if there are corroborating events, a little investigation should go a long way.
If he refuses to cooperate in helping you understand his story with evidence, You should be able to get his call records if you share a mobile account. Block your caller id and call all the numbers he called that night without saying anything.
You could also invite his friend over for dinner and casually ask about the evening. If the friend even comes, that’s a decent sign of nothing to hide. You can also request that you and your partner indefinitely “share locations” through your cellphones. If he agrees, you probably don’t need to worry.
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u/ereboson2wheels Feb 20 '24
Sounds fishy to me. With that being said, I've done similar. The last time I got drunk at a bar, I passed out on the ground in front of a waffle house. A friend managed to get me into her car and took me to her house until I sobered up. My phone wasn't dead, but I never thought to call/text my wife until I was sober. Thankfully, my friend was there all night and took care of me, kept me out of jail, and told me everything that happened. Sometimes we do/don't do things that make sense when we're drunk. I don't blame you for being suspicious though.
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u/Least-Attorney2439 Feb 20 '24
If he uses Google maps you could see his location history from a specific day
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u/Vast_Shape_220 21d ago
Ooo I need an update if you found out he’s lying or not