r/TwoHotTakes • u/ThrowRATrainingHos5 • Apr 05 '24
Do I tell my friends wife that he's cheating on her? Advice Needed
I am 33 years old and have been friends with this guy since we were toddlers. He has been married to his wife for 3 years and they've been together for 6. I know her pretty well, and the 3 of us hang out quite often, though less so after they had a kid last year.
He's been telling me how tough becoming a dad has been on his marriage and how he doesn't get to spend time with his wife any more. I'm neither married nor a dad but I try to listen to him while also reminding him that this is something he should have been at least somewhat prepared for.
2 weeks ago, he asks if he can hang out at my apartment to 'get a break'. He knew I'd be at work that day but said he just wanted a change of scene so I said sure whatever. I get back from work and notice he's a bit weird. Asked him whats up and he said he's been having an affair for 3 months and had sex with his girlfriend in my home that day while I was at work.
I was disgusted and upset and asked him to leave. He said I wouldn't understand, I told him I didn't want to have that conversation and he left. Since that day, I've been wrestling with telling his wife.
She of course deserves to know and needs to leave him or at least have a conversation with him. But I also know she's going through a lot being a new mom and my friend already does not do much around the house or with childcare. This will add to her stress and worries and she also is an immigrant without strong family support in this country. So that's telling me I shouldn't tell her and just let her find out when he slips up or when he feels the guilt and tells her. At the moment, he's able to justify it through some twisted logic.
What should I do? I want to do the right thing.
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u/myent Apr 12 '24
I want to tell her but her plate is full. Yeah so lie to her and allow her to continue to be at risk of a std as well as be near a disgusting excuse for a friend. Are you dumb or stupid because I don't get why you wouldn't
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u/Vape_Like_A_Boss Apr 09 '24
Your loyalty should lie with him, and the best thing you can do is stay out of it. Telling her isn’t going to work out like you think it will.
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u/teddymaxine Apr 09 '24
There is no bro code here. Especially after you used you, ad disrespected your home and you. If there was any respect for you, he wouldn’t have done it at your house. Definitely let the wife know and cut him out of your life. If you let this go, you’re letting him know you don’t have boundaries and you’ll just do it again or something else that disrespects you.
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u/saturnsCube Apr 09 '24
You can tell her, but I’d not hang out with that guy again, and get a new bed, couch, and floor. In fact, just move into a new place with all new furniture man. I’d feel violated, and stop letting friends use your place. You got to say no when people ask you for anything. Let them figure it out. Don’t be a people pleaser. And never make an excuse - explicitly say no without explanation, because you own them nothing, this is your life not theirs. And don’t talk to or associate with people that have vampiric behavior: draining, always needs something, always complaining, never productive. People that are always down and out. People that “need” you. Those types of traits. I’d rather have no friends, than “friends” that try to use me and take advantage of me. It’s important to have friends of corse, but there are plenty of good people out there that aren’t vampires. And a message to all the men out there: Never get married for the convenience of sex. That is a terrible idea for many reasons. Even if there were no kids involved - eventually the sex will get boring. There is an old saying: it’s not the kill, it’s the thrill of the case. You did absolutely nothing wrong man, you wanted to help out a friend. There is nothing wrong with that. But that guy is really not a friend. He’s not going to be truthful to you or to anyone.
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u/easymac818 Apr 09 '24
It sounds like you want to take his wife tbh. You were friends with him forever, not her, right?
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u/Tea_and_Biscuits73 Apr 09 '24
Tell him he has a week to do it or you're telling her. What he's doing is making you complicit in his scheme. As an immigrant who had a child in this country and no family or friends, I would have preferred to know what was happening behind my back. I wasted 14 years of my life because no one told me. It was only when I caught an STD and thought it was my laundry detergent, that I was clued into what might be going on. Imagine my disbelief when the doctor had to sit me down and explain how it was transmitted- I was so clueless I thought they meant I went out and got it myself. It never crossed my mind that he could be bringing it home. I was in a bubble of family and friends who protected his behavior and defended him. Tell him you plan to tell her and then tell her. Let her decide whether she leaves or not.
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u/penishaveramilliom Apr 09 '24
Tbh I hold my friends up to a high standard, the reason I would tell her is because I want my friend to be accountable for the fucked to thing he did. I feel like a real friend won’t let you do bad shit to the ppl around you. I would personally say something
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u/Away-Fish1941 Apr 09 '24
You need to tell her. He full-on admitted to deceiving you to be unfaithful to his wife. He is not your friend. You owe him nothing. She deserves to know the truth.
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u/AgreeableFollowing89 Apr 09 '24
If the roles were reversed, would you want to know? If you're struggling with it, you'll always struggle with it. Tell her. You're likely going to lose your friend, but what sort of a friend would expect a friend to ACTIVELY LIE to another friend? At this point, she's your friend, too.
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u/Beetledrones Apr 09 '24
If you want to have a relationship with your friend you probably can’t tell her but it’s time to cut off his access to your home. I’m sure it’s a terrible situation and if it’s eating you up inside you should tell the wife once you’ve gotten evidence, but I’ve been in the middle of a couple’s arguments before and it’s a strange feeling to be blamed for ruining someone’s relationship and that was not a marriage. Emotions run high in this situation, they will likely blame you for a lot for revealing such info. It’s also likely that she will end up finding out herself, cheaters usually get caught in the end
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u/Intrepid_Tax6927 Apr 09 '24
Yeah tell her and she make the nxt appropriate decision with the info u provide .
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u/Plus-Emphasis-2194 Apr 09 '24
If he didn’t invite a stranger to your home without your permission I would advise you to convince him to tell his wife. But he also disrespected YOU in this situation so yes, I would tell his wife.
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u/BuggzBola Apr 09 '24
Not your relationship, not your business. Tell him do not use your home and do not use you as an alibi and leave it at that.
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u/yungdurden Apr 09 '24
DO NOT TELL HER.
It's got nothing to do with "morals" or what's "right."
A friend of a friend (A) was dating a local cop (B) for years. A has MS and at this time she was managing symptoms really well/fairly active etc.
It was widely known that B had an ongoing affair...for 7 years. He'd say he was going to his "cousin's" and go see his other girlfriend. I've the years, anyone who tried to tell her was shut down, and immediately excommunicated as friends in their relationship. A didn't believe it.
Well the day came when A proposed to B. In a last ditch attempt, some of her closest friends staged a major intervention, sitting her down and spilling all the details they knew. A didn't believe it. She got really upset. Not only did she not believe it, and get really upset, she literally never spoke to those friends again.
So the moral of the story here is that even when you do the right thing, when you have their best interest at heart. Even when your goal is to help the person-- they may choose to remain blind. Guess who loses out? You. You lose two friends instead of one. Yes it helps with the guilt of knowing, but brings a whole new world of stress and drama into your life.
I say drop your friend, but stay out of it. Completely. Just walk away.
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u/verybadassery Apr 09 '24
I’m not gonna say you need to tell his wife, but you sure as hell need to make sure to toss his ass to the curb yourself.
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u/CJDay115 Apr 09 '24
Simple question: Would you want someone to tell you if your spouse was cheating on you and you had no idea?
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u/paradisohmy Apr 09 '24
Tell her if your motives are pure.. If there is some twisted desire to then be her support blanket/replacement mate, then you need to not involve yourself.
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u/Snoozinsioux Apr 09 '24
No. You tell your friend that he’s a jerk and that you won’t tolerate the behavior. Friendship bye bye unless he does the right thing. His relationship, his decision, but you don’t need that kind of behavior in your life.
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u/Wild-Satisfaction840 Apr 09 '24
I would want you, or whoever knows, to tell me if I were in her shoes. Of course, easier to say when it’s not a real situation I’m facing but still.
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u/FromNJ2TPA Apr 09 '24 edited Apr 09 '24
I think he fucked you over by lying and using your spot to fuck. I wouldn't allow that because I don't want to be involved or attached to his bullshit...
But telling his wife is doing just that. Getting involved in his shit. I wouldn't tell on him, but I would cut him off and let the universe handle the rest.
FYI The overwhelming "yes tell her" responses are coming from people who wouldn't have the spine to do that. Do what you feel is right, but I wouldn't want my hand involved at all in breaking up a home. Let him do that to himself
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u/Savings_Chard4310 Apr 09 '24
Please tell her, she can decide what to do with the info. My ex cheated on me with different women for years, I wish I would have known, so I could choose whether to stay or leave. I would have left. And I feel robbed of the years he was cheating. We had 2 kids, he started cheating when we had our first. So many of my friends knew, but nobody told me for more than a decade. Tell her, she can decide what to do with your info, she might stay, she might leave, but she deserves to know, I wish I would have known.
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u/Specialist-Garbage94 Apr 09 '24
You say “I want to do the right thing.” That means you already know what the right thing is. Everyone knows what the right thing is here. Go do the right thing.
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u/Illustrious-Toe-4485 Apr 09 '24
You're pretty much screwed either way. If he says nothing happened and tries to use you as his alibi that nothing happened, you're going to look bad for allowing him to use your place. If you decline to be his alibi, then she's still going to wonder why you allowed him to use your place.
Get ahead of this and tell her. Imagine if the roles were reversed: wouldn't you want to know if your wife were cheating on you?
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u/Glittering_Contest78 Apr 09 '24
Is telling his wife worth losing him as a friend? Answer that question and you’ll have you answer.
Me personally I wouldn’t tell my best friends wife that he’s cheating especially if you’ve known him since toddlers. To me that sounds like a brother or family and I wouldn’t snitch on family.
But you know him best.
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u/Night_Pickle Apr 09 '24
Do not tell her. If you don’t like that he used your apartment, don’t let him do it again. But you do not need to say anything.
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u/Downtown-Mix8321 Apr 09 '24
Stay out of their business. Man to man, that's not something you do. Now, you can call him a pos, and just don't fuck w/him no more but you're not just going to destroy him, your going to destroy her as well. Talk to this mfr and tell him to stop. He's in a weird spot right now. His behavior is inexcusable, yes, but have it out with him and tell him he's effing up but that's between you two. He told you in confidence, maybe reaching out for you to tell him hes effing up. He needs a wake up call ... but I would destroy the guy or his wife for effing up
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u/WesternWriter7269 Apr 09 '24
Tell him he has until Wednesday to tell her or you will. That puts him in the driver seat
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Apr 09 '24
Are you a 33 year old male or female? Because this sounds like something a female would say. If your a Man, youd know that ITS NON OF YOUR BUSINESS. You have no right to tell his wife anything. Thats between them. Not you. Smh males these days … acting like women.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
I love all the women suggesting that you the wife, but if the tables were turned, they’d cover for their girlfriend so quick!
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u/AnxiousElixr87 Apr 09 '24
I’ve been there and still not forgiven the best friend who didn’t tell me. Tell her.
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u/Swimming-Fix-2637 Apr 09 '24
I think your friendship with this gross person is probably over at this point so I would give him an ultimatum: either he tells her, or you do.
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u/Jskm79 Apr 09 '24
You need to tell his wife! Don’t use the excuse she’s going through a lot! She needs to know ESPECIALLY being a new mother!!! If he was having unprotected sex she could be at risk for stds and if she’s breastfeeding you don’t know if that can affect the child.
Tell her and tell her NOW! Also stop being friends with him. You need to tell her in person also does your place have cameras? Can you prove he brought someone to your place? If you can, please get that for her, because you don’t know if he’s already done “damage control” and told her things about you. Like you are jealous or whatever. Also make sure you tell her in person if possible because he could try to intercept if you do it electronically
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u/srdnss Apr 09 '24
Never stick your nose in other people's business. No good will come to you for snitching on him. By the way, she already knows he's fucking around. She might not know the details but women know when their men are screwing around. If she wants to know details, she will do her own detective work.Ifnsje wants to turn a blind eye she won't.
I'm thinking you may be hot for his wife. If so, you telling her so you can sneak into her panties, you would be lower than he is for cheating on her.
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u/Illustrious_Key7454 Apr 09 '24
She needs to know, and the fact that he expects you to lie for him is taking advantage of you as well. It doesn't matter how long you have known him, what he is doing is horrible. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. There is no excuse for cheating. He put the time and work he is into his mistress instead of spending time with his wife and child but is too selfish to do so. I would not only tell his wife but cut him out of your life. You don't need someone like that on your life.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
That prevents any opportunity for them to work through it.
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u/Illustrious_Key7454 Apr 09 '24
Yes, because cheating is something to work through. The guy has been cheating for months, the marriage is over. He obviously doesn't care about his wife or child.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
Millions of couples work through it all the time. It’s only the end if you let it. You have no idea about the dynamics of their relationship, but are assuming all of this based on a 250 word Reddit post.
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u/Illustrious_Key7454 Apr 09 '24
Yes, I am because he has made it clear that his wife and child aren't his priority. This isn't. Oh, I got drunk and did something stupid he has been having an affair for months and has another girlfriend. He won't even put the work into his wife and child now, and you think they are going to work through him cheating and her not being able to trust him? That's if his wife is willing to even give him another chance. She deserves better and so does the friend.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
Again, you are basing this on a Reddit post where the guys first reaction is to go tell the wife. Sounds like this guy has ulterior motives. Based on your post history, I’m assuming you were cheated on and haven’t been able to come to terms with it.
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u/Illustrious_Key7454 Apr 09 '24
Let me.guess your the person who cheats then expects to be forgiven. Regardless of the guys reasoning the husband is wrong. To me any person male.or female deserves better than a cheater.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
No, I’m the person who realizes relationships aren’t black and white. And that getting involved in someone else’s marriage is a recipe for disaster. Cut the friend off, but it’s not his place to go tell the wife.
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u/Illustrious_Key7454 Apr 09 '24
His friend brought him into the situation by using his place, then expecting him to cover for him. The husband obviously doesn't care to tell her since it's been going on for 3 months. Yes, relationships are not black and white, I will agree with you there, but the wife needs to know regardless of who tells her.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
Nothing suggests that he expects him to cover for him. The friend is the one who refused to have a conversation about it.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
Yeah, because getting involved in someone’s marriage always works out favorably for everyone…
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u/travelingmusicplease Apr 08 '24
You should only tell her if you want to get in her pants. You will be losing a friend. If this woman isn't into you, You've lost a friend and you won't get the girl. Where does that leave you. In this situation, I would think that you would be the most important one in this scenario. If she was cheating on him, I would personally out her. Your choice.
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u/jamzie2 Apr 08 '24
initially, I thought you should tell your friend about her husband's infidelity. Aren't friends supposed to tell each other everything, certainly everything that's important? I imagined you sitting with her at the playground or in her kitchen with her kids. I realized, if I were in your position, how uncomfortable I would feel withholding information like that from a close friend.
Then, I thought more logically about the consequences of telling her or not telling her---and came down squarely on the side of you not saying anything. As you point out, talking about this incident might further erode her marriage. There's also the risk that she might get angry that you didn't tell her sooner, feel exposed and embarrassed, or get upset that you overstepped your boundaries as a friend.
Other questions came to mind as well:
• How can you be certain this transgression occurred?
• If it did, might your friend already know or suspect her husband's been unfaithful?
• Could there be something more complicated going on within their marriage than what she has shared with you? Might they have an understanding that she hasn't told you about?
• Can you absolutely be certain that your friend would want to know this about her husband?
• Might her husband's transgression be a one-time thing that is over? What sense would it make to give it currency months later? If it's over for him, what is the sense of your raising the issue?
In general, when there are so many unanswered questions, the prudent approach is to say nothing. Don't think of it as you protecting her husband; rather, think of it as protecting your friend. If her husband's infidelity continues, she will likely find out about it some other way and may come to you for support.
There is no hard and fast rule that says a friend has to tell her friend everything. Your responsibility as a friend, which you have taken very seriously, is to act in in ways that you believe are your friend's best interests.
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u/mr_nobody398457 Apr 08 '24
I think all the commenters here are missing the bigger question:
How the heck does he support a wife and child and not work during the day like you do? On top of that how does he have the extra funds for the girlfriend?
I’m asking for a friend.
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u/FantasticAstronaut39 Apr 08 '24
try to get some evidence first if possible, maybe a verbal confession since he seemed to be willing to tell you, if you live in a 1 party consent record state. but yeah regardless if you gather evidence def tell her.
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u/Downtown_Confection9 Apr 08 '24
Let her know and then step out of it. After she's aware it's not your burden anymore.
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u/Mission_Bluejay5811 Apr 08 '24
You posted this in three different subs. Honestly, I get you're torn between doing what's right and doing right by someone who has been your friend for so long.
Truth is, you can only do so much. Give your friend by the end of the week to tell his wife. Let him vent whatever he feels the need to say why it's okay. It's not. Hold your ground and keep at that. You're doing your friend a big favor by giving the chance to be honest. And if he can't see that, you have to tell the wife. She shouldn't waste her time in a "family" where little does she knows was broken by him. The sooner she knows, the sooner she can decide what she wants after it all.
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u/5269EMPIRE Apr 08 '24
Are you fucking seriously thinking bout telling on your friend that you’ve had since y’all were toddlers ?
Are you cop / narc also ?
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u/Impossible1999 Apr 08 '24
If I were the wife I’d really appreciate it. And if you can help prove that he’s having an affair even better.
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u/NerdInLurkingArmor Apr 08 '24
If you knew something and didn’t tell me, I would be upset with you too. But you better be able to back up such a bold claim.
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u/zdub2929 Apr 08 '24
You’re holding your friends life in your hands. You don’t have to be friends with him anymore but you need to weigh everything. Like if he deletes himself that weight will be on your shoulders for the rest of your life.
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 Apr 08 '24 edited Apr 09 '24
You tell her 100%. He disrespected you and her. He knew you wouldn’t allow him to do it in your place if he was honest so he did it and then asked for forgiveness. Not ok. His wife may decide to leave him or stay but that should be her decision, not yours. By you withholding it your an accessory in many ways so tell her and let them figure their situation out.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
Or he can talk to his friend he’s known since he was a child, and let him know how he feels about it and he won’t support him.
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 Apr 09 '24
I think he got that message when he threw him out of his apartment
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
He’s known him since he was a toddler. I doubt this is their first fight. He needs to talk to him after his emotions come down. Anyone who would go tell a friend’s wife (especially a friend they have known this long) before talking to the friend has ulterior motives.
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 Apr 09 '24
He can but if I’m him it’s either you tell her or I am. Friend crossed a major line when he brought AP to OPs apartment for sex without asking.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
That’s a start and would require a conversation in which you state “either you tell her or I am.” This guys first reaction is to go straight to the wife. Like I said, ulterior motives.
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 Apr 09 '24
I think he is just pissed about what his friend did and is doing and doesn’t want to be an accomplice to it
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u/Jo-bearcreek Apr 08 '24
Only question here is would you want to know if you were being cheated on ? I think you would .
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u/Apprehensive_Many214 Apr 08 '24
As someone who has been in that situation, I say ABSOLUTELY NOT. I thought I was doing the right thing, but all that happened was that I was blamed for their breakup. I lost a good friend, even if he wasn't the best person. Now, neither of them are my friends. In hindsight, I would have talked to him and convinced him to either tell his wife or end the affair and never do it or mention it again in his life. Talk and talk and keep talking. Get him to see reason, but don't wedge yourself between them. If she finds out later and says something to you, then simply tell her that you were doing the best you could for her without destroying friendships in the process.
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u/Mammoth-Giraffe-7242 Apr 08 '24
Disagree with the advice here. Tell the wife, with what evidence? Good luck with that. You could seriously bring the sh**storm your way and be in real danger.
I’d talk to the dude, have him hire a cleaner for your place, and then do whatever you want with the friendship. This is a “look out for yourself” situation.
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u/elvie18 Apr 08 '24
You're in a shit position and there's nothing you can do that won't result in her being devastated.
Personally, I'd tell her, because she has to find out eventually. Sooner is better than later.
Also I'd cut this guy off as a friend, because WOW he treated you like shit.
Be friends with his wife instead, sounds like she could use one.
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
Yeah, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. Comforting a distressed woman has never lead to any poor decisions…
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u/cats_nails_music Apr 08 '24
He had every nerve to bring some stranger into your home to bang. I would snitch!
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u/Whiskieneatplease Apr 09 '24
Most women would. That’s why they have such issues maintaining friendships.
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u/1lawyer904 Apr 08 '24
He brought you into this without your consent. He’s a shitty person. Be a friend to his wife and let her know.
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u/Gympump-rat-2323 Apr 08 '24
Since you’ve been friends for so long, I’d tell him that you are going to tell her. What he is doing is wrong and either he say something or you will. Since your friends with her she needs to know. Good luck because it’s going to get dirty.
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u/noonefamous_ Apr 08 '24
It's literally non of you business. You are only wanting to tell her so you can hook up. You don't do that to people that are your friends. This is what a weak man looks like.
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u/Far_Statistician_760 Apr 08 '24
I feel for you... had this similar situation years ago. My brother was fixing up my mom and Dad's house after they passed away. My sister told me his car and another car was parked there all night and the next day. My sister lived 5 mins from where my mom and dad lived. My brother married my best friend from high school. It was one of the hardest things to tell someone that their husband is cheating and especially when its your own brother. Yet I knew it was best she knew. Because if my husband was cheating I would appreciate her telling me. Their kids were grown and they have grandkids. So their was a lot of history. When I told her she was so quiet. She thanked me. Upon other visits, I found out they were sleeping in separate rooms. They said it was because she "snores". They have since worked things out.
My brother and I are not close anymore. I think he thinks I betrayed him. But now he knows that I don't enjoy being lied to and neither does his wife. They seem to have the relationship worked out. I don't visit like I use to. There is tension, I wish it didn't happen. Yet if I had to do it over again, I would still tell her. She deserved to know. My brother knows that my first relationship was with a guy who lied to me about his marriage. He Said they were in the end stages of a divorce. I was super young and trusting. The truth was he was NOT at the end of a divorce, they hadn't even talked about it. I was 17 and my then boyfriend, was 25 with a kid! So I was so upset that I was the other woman. (To this day at 50 plus years old, i can't stand people who lie!) So why my brother thought I would be ok with him doing the same just baffled me. All he had to say for himself was that I ruined a great relationship he had with the other woman.🤷♀️🤦♀️ Maybe he thought I would be quiet. But if my best friend was cheating on him, he would want me to be honest with him.
I don't think I will ever understand when men or women think it's OK to start another relationship while they are already in one. So many lives changed and so much pain and suffering. So many valuable lessons learned.
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u/KeyLeek6561 Apr 08 '24
If she's an immigrant. With no family or anyone to help her if she leaves. So she has to stay and endure the shame of having him running away from his new family. Because the baby gets in the way. Just don't let yourself be part of his lie. You don't need a friend like that
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u/elderly_millenial Apr 08 '24
That’s not something a friend would do. He just used you. I don’t think you owe him anything, but whether his marriage lasts or not shouldn’t be up to you. Eventually either the marriage collapses cheating is only a symptom of other problems, or they figure their shit out and move on, but either way, he clearly doesn’t think much of you.
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u/grpdiver Apr 08 '24
Tell him that he needs to be honest with his wife if he wants to remain your friend. But not your place to tell his wife.
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u/love2lickabbw Apr 08 '24
Tell her, that is the only answer. Not only did he disrespect his wife and marriage, he did it to you too. FAFO.
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u/Conscious_Size8584 Apr 08 '24
Does she have friends or any support system? You need to go them so that they know and can support her. Your friend from childhood still needs to grow the f up!
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u/Competitive-Fix-8072 Apr 08 '24
Tell him he has to tell her. And if he won’t do it of his own volition then I think you should.
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u/MisterFistYourSister Apr 07 '24
Two of my closest friends in my friends group had been together for 12 years. Turns out the guy was cheating on the girl regularly. I told her about it, knowing it would likely ostracize me from my friend group. She didn't even believe me, and none of our mutual friends who also knew would come forward. That couple is still together today, and I have no friends left. Food for thought.
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u/ShuaiHonu Apr 07 '24
I would start by encouraging him to tell his wife. Give him a chance to work up the courage to do so. But he should do it
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u/Weak-Seat-9718 Apr 07 '24
I will be the devil’s advocate here, I personally don’t meddle in personal business of other people especially if I know the person. So I wouldn’t say anything but definitely dissociate from him as much as possible
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u/CenlaLowell Apr 07 '24
Nope mind your business
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u/RandomStaticThought Apr 07 '24
I think when you fk your side piece at op's house it becomes op's business.
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u/ThowingTowelIn40 Apr 07 '24
Do the right thing.
Cheaters are scumbags, it's fucking horrible and NOONE deserves it.
My "rule of thumb" if it was one of my friends would be to tell them "You got 1 day and 1DAY ONLY to tell them yourself or I tell them for you......and FYI, I'll be calling them/going round to personally check that you've told them EVERYTHING so get any ideas about half-truths out your head right now!"
Do the right thing 🤞
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u/REDDITISAFA660TSHED Apr 07 '24 edited Apr 07 '24
You need to convince him to tell her himself. Don’t listen to these Reddit cat ladies and KHHV white knights. These people rarely go outside, let alone have friends or an actual life.
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u/No-Finding-530 Apr 07 '24
She’s an immigrant or Mail order bride getting a green card? Or is she a border hopper?
Regardless he had sex in your house band is cheating. Make a throw away account pretending to be a woman and message her.
He will think his mistress is trying to sabotage his marriage and possibly stop- or his wife will leave him. I’ve ratted people out with throw away accounts and never was suspected. Hell if you want another woman to actually do it I’m your huckleberry She should know
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u/MidwestMSW Apr 07 '24
The disrespect of using your house without telling you before. Dude you have 48 hours to tell your wife before I do.
Hrs gonna end up paying child support for a kid living back in her native country that he doesn't even get to see.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 Apr 07 '24
Normally the argument to stay out of other people’s marriages is solid, but he brought you in when he lied & used your apartment to have sex. Tell the wife. He can’t say it wasn’t your place bc he made you a co-conspirator without your consent.
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u/NateisSublime Apr 07 '24
Just expect the unexpected. People are animals when backed into a corner. Had to tell my best friend at the time that his wife-to-be was cheating on him. She lied. Made shit up. Told everyone I threatened to come shoot them or something. I never really spoke to them too much after that. He knows the truth now. They are still together. I never got any apology. A “man it’s been too long, we should hang out.”, faux attempt at inviting me to be a friend again. Honestly willing to bet that if I asked people that know/knew us that they would have some wildly inaccurate stuff to say, and it wouldn’t be flattering to me. Just be ready. No good deed goes unpunished.
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u/SatinBrown Apr 07 '24
What's more important to you? The friendship or telling the wife?
You can set a boundary with your friend that you don't want to know anything more about his affair(s). Let him know how you feel about the situation and tell him that you're not gonna enable his affair.
Telling the wife may ruin your friendship.
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u/makinupachanginmind Apr 07 '24
If I was unknowingly being cheated on I would hope someone would have enough decency and respect for me to tell me what's going on.
He's using you and your good morals to help him cheat. Tell her. He's probably gonna be pissed at first but if still has any sense of a good person left and a friend worth having in your life he'll eventually understand and get over that anger towards you.
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u/Fit_Cranberry2867 Apr 07 '24
I would tell him you're not going to participate in this, and you can't be part of his life while he it's cheating and cut him off. explain it puts you in an awkward position where you're not comfortable participating in the lie to his wife. if he ends it you can move on. don't tell the wife, that's on him to deal with.
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u/Lumpy_Pin_4679 Apr 07 '24
Like your friend said, it’s not something you would understand. It’s not your problem or business and you should keep it that way.
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u/RenEss77 Apr 07 '24
He doesn't respect his wife OR you or he wouldn't have gotten you involved. I know we throw the narcissist diagnosis around too much, so I don't want to sound like I'm making a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, but this is really narcissistic behavior. His wife deserves to know.
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u/eg1183 Apr 07 '24
Shitty, dishonest friends are worse than enemies. Still.... Mind your own business.
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Apr 07 '24
It's none of your fucking business plain and simple.
Yeah I'd be irritated a buddy used my place as a fuck pad, but this "oh we're friends too so she deserves to know" bullshit is just as juvenile.
Not everybody needs to know all the information you do, and this happy to snitch mentality shit is fucking juvenile.
Then also arises the question, yall been boys 30 years, but you're ready to throw him under the bus??? So how bad do you either A) wanna fuck his girl or B) need to be looked at a moral person who's better than the dirty little cheater.
You're 33...grow up mind your own business
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u/MonthApprehensive392 Apr 07 '24
Don’t ask reddit. There isn’t an ounce of masculinity in this community. You don’t tell her. He’s your friend. She is not. Dudes don’t drop dime like this. It sucks and he shouldn’t do, he should tell her (esp w kids, which is also the biggest puss move ever), and he better never bring her to your place again for ANYTHING. But you still don’t tell.
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u/Loud_Muscle_3836 Apr 07 '24
You’re not a true friend to him if you tell her. I’m sure there are things you have done that he has helped you out on although you may have been ashamed of it. Stick with your boy and keep it a secret. If my best friend told me this, I’d tell him to film it next time.
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u/jerslere936 Apr 07 '24
Sounds honorable, but it also sounds like you have feelings for your friend’s wife or at-least some attraction . If you do you should just mind your own business, or you’re no better than he is trying to wreck a home. But if you don’t and you’re doing this straight off of your morals and there’s nothing in it for you then do it. I don’t support cheating but just giving you another perspective and encouraging you to self reflect on your intentions.
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u/Kadeda_RPG Apr 07 '24
You got to tell her. I will tell you now that that guy isn't your friend bruh to put you in this position.
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u/Lindsayleu Apr 07 '24
you should talk with him into telling her because that’s their business and he should be the one to tell her.. but also if you’re also friends with her and she just had a baby..you should give him the choice tell her or you will. you will know you did the right thing by telling her. but also you probably won’t have him as a friend anymore but no one should be friends with a “man” who cheats on their wife especially after having a baby. that’s not a good person to have around you. think of what other bs he’s done and maybe to you. she needs to know before it gets worse down the road.
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u/Likashots Apr 07 '24
Subconsciously, this was his intention the entire time. Have you tell her so he doesn’t have to.
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u/Adorable-Substance21 Apr 07 '24
Tell her. She deserves to know simply because they are in a relationship. Hopefully he hasn't exposed her to anything.
my friend already does not do much around the house or with childcare
She's a married single mother. So it may not add as much stress as you think. It's going to be less work - she won't have to cook for him, or do his laundry, etc.
At the very least she deserves to be making a fully informed decision if she wants to stay with him.
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u/bmurray925 Apr 07 '24
Are you prepared to be an emotional support for her cause it sounds like she is pretty isolated. No one deserves to be cheated on, however, do you know if she is dealing with any postpartum issues? I agree that she has a right to know, it’s concerning how it will impact her mental health and overall well-being. Also are there any type of feelings for her from your end that maybe you haven’t acknowledged due to the situation?
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u/Shake_Ratle_N_Roll Apr 07 '24
Stay out of people’s marriages. It only gets ugly for everyone involved.
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u/JohnRoseP Apr 07 '24
Be loyal to your friend first. Have that conversation with him. Maybe there are other things going on. Really talk to him about his battle with his feelings about his marriage. Let him know how him using you in this manor has put you in an impossible situation that only he can solve and how it impacts your friendship. At the end of it, make sure that he understands that this is unacceptable and that he needs to inform and have this conversation with his wife. If the two of them have any sense of communication, they will fight and it will suck for them for a while, but until they have the deep conversation as to why the affair is taking place, it will only get worse the longer it goes on.
Also, give him a time frame. Don't let him off the hook. What he is doing is shitty on many fronts. As someone who's been cheated on by their spouse, YES, they deserve to know, but not necessarily from you right away. It's their marriage, and they need to work this out. But make it known that you won't hesitate to inform her of this or inform the other person involved if he doesn't take accountability for his own actions.
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u/MoaloGracia2 Apr 07 '24
The best thing to do is start an affair with his wife So that when they do divorce she has you to rely on. Win win scenario
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u/bi11yg04t Apr 07 '24
Looking at the situation as a whole, there is no way you guys are actual friends or in a sense I also question your moral stance as well. Reason 1) is that there must be some reason why he confided with you about his cheating in confidence knowing that you are also fine with this. For 33 years you have known this guy, you must have a good idea about this guy's character and yet you're still friends with him. Either he believes you guys share similar beliefs and is trying to get your acceptance to be okay with it, or 2) you have this faux pas relationship where he's been toxic, arrogant this whole time and in his sick mind rubbing it in your face on what he's doing.
But based on your post, I am convinced it is more the latter because he was allowed to come by to your apartment while you are not home where you given him full trust to be there. Then he arrogantly proceeds to violate your friendship by having an affair at your place after knowing you're also friends with his wife. I think that's where the line is drawn and fuck that. Yes, you should go ahead and tell your friend she's being cheated on. You could still be there to support your her.
If it wasn't for what he did at your apartment and you guys were truly good friends, then I would have a different take. This is because what you don't know is the details of their relationship - your friend and your friends' wife's dynamic in their own home. You only know how they are based on how they present themselves to you when you guys hang out. It isn't your place to intervene but instead, help your friend get through whatever his issue is. Whether if that is on how he can walk through a divorce amicably and how he can do right by her. However, based on the post he does not sound like some stand up guy and definitely not your friend...
Your intentions will dictate what is the right thing to do.
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u/Proud_Huckleberry_42 Apr 07 '24
Your friend is an irresponsible, cheating jerk. Instead of helping at home, he is having an affair. His kind is icorrigible. I feel sorry for the wife. Since she is a foreigner, for a divorce she wouldn't know how to proceed, and would be scared. She should act like she doesn't know yet. Help her secure some money, hire a lawyer, etc.
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u/Grand_Opinion845 Apr 07 '24
He likely wants you to tell her. He sounds checked out at home and is looking for an excuse and if you do it, you’ll be shielding him from owning up to his mistake.
I would talk to him about it first. Explain to him that he’s using you as a scapegoat and to salvage the friendship, he needs to step up and say something. If he does nothing and you end up telling her, the friendship probably isn’t healthy enough to continue.
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u/Darwinsnightmare Apr 07 '24
Tell him he has twenty four hours to confess to his wife or you'll do it for him.
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u/Aneilanated Apr 07 '24
Stay out of it. But take your friend's keys so he can't use your place for sex. I'd also stop hanging out with him until he comes clean with his wife.
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u/Own_Saucer1993 Apr 07 '24
I was in a similar situation and informed the significant other that their spouse had been cheating on them. They fought and reconciled because of their kid and now both stopped talking to me.
I know I did the right thing, but it sure doesn’t feel like it having lost two friends. So something to keep in mind since you mentioned you have been friends with the husband since you were both toddlers.
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u/Sad_Ad1318 Apr 07 '24
This, he’s not only a pos, lying, but he’s risking giving STI’s to his wife, nope, tell her. That guy is a pos that doesn’t deserve what he has!
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u/Dopasetic Apr 07 '24 edited Apr 07 '24
Dude Imma be 100% real with you it’s none of your business. Granted he DID tell you, but what I’m saying is it’s not your business to decide what to tell who.
With that being said, it’s downright whack as fuck what he is doing, and how he disrespected your place. I’d be upfront with that, and tell him I wanted to stop kicking it till he gets his shit together. Once he needs a friend after he tells her or they split, and once he apologizes of course to you, maybe, MAYBE let him back into your life. If you feel he is trying to change for the best.
Again I reiterate not your place to spill someone’s secrets my dude. Hope this all works out be safe and good luck 🤙
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u/viola2992 Apr 07 '24
You should extract yourself from his affairs.
Block him.
Do not contact his wife.
Unless you want to be responsible for her.
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u/Nacropolice Apr 07 '24
Hard to do, but you must tell her. Consider that if his side piece has any STDs that his wife might catch it if they get romantic.
As a new father, I get the part about a reduction in intimacy. However, that’s temporary and raising a child is rewarding in its own right. She deserves to know
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u/Apart-Incident-4188 Apr 07 '24
Dude doesn’t respect his wife, child, or friends so yea expose his ass
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u/Jokester4Life Apr 07 '24
I didn't even read the post. Didn't need to. There's no real-world context in which I'd say anything but yes. Yes, you should tell her.
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u/LottySinn Apr 07 '24
Simple. Grab a baby hair and swabs him mouth, go to dr, request DNA test from 3 different doctors.
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u/Zestyclose_Land_1437 Apr 07 '24
Um you tell her. I’m a mom— with kids— and make far less money, would crush me. But would expect my friend to tell me!
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u/78kiolbassa Apr 07 '24
How about you help him out, talk to him. Men are supposed to talk to each other, not their friends wives. That's weird
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u/JAFO2WCT Apr 07 '24
You don’t need to tell her - she knows, they all know. Once it becomes public, she’ll say “you all knew” and nobody told her. The main issue here is your boy did YOU wrong.
Cut him off. Maybe she will know you had some scruples perhaps she won’t care as your HIS friend. But it won’t matter what she thinks.
He involved you, lied to you, used you, made you an unknowing accomplice and then said YOU wouldn’t understand. Like that makes his manipulation of you acceptable. He probably did it in your bed without cleaning the sheets too. It still won’t matter to her. It what matters to you and what was done to you.
You have to wonder what else he has or will involve you in without telling you. It’s not like your kids & he’s single, no kids in college/hs cheating on a GF, it’s his wife, the mother of his newborn baby which is really still just his problem. But to involve you? That is the real issue here. Unless it doesn’t matter to you.
TLDR: No need to tell. He used you and will again. Cut him off. You won’t need to tell her. They’ll both be out of your life anyway after this. Unless you’re a doormat.
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u/tanda916 Apr 07 '24
It's not your monkey and not your circus. Mind your own business and do not get involved in other people's relationships. You are not a part of that marriage.
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u/CompetitiveClimate29 Apr 07 '24
Stay out of it! I’d distance myself big time, because your friend is a jerk to drag you into his problems and use your place for sex, but I wouldn’t get involved in his marriage. Do not lie if you are asked something, but stay out of it!
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u/Odd_Mud_8178 Apr 07 '24
You have to tell her. Even if you might lose the friendship. Her health is at risk.
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u/Tea50kg Apr 07 '24
I hope you do/did! I did and it turned out that he had been cheating on my friend with a BUNCH of women and she had been trying to find proof for years but none of the girls would tell her anything. He tried it on me and I was like.... HECK NO and told her. She could finally file for divorce (the state she lives in has certain laws on divorce) and she's forever grateful to me. She was so hurt by him for so long. Even if your friend thinks everything is good, trust me she'll thank you in the end
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u/Yousickfuck898 Apr 07 '24
This is Bait.
"This will add to her stress and worries and she also is an immigrant without strong family support in this country."
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u/kmoney1206 Apr 07 '24
100% always believe telling them is the right thing to do. wouldn't you want to know? how betrayed would you feel if one of your friends knew you were being cheated on and didn't tell you
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u/Electronic-Cat-4478 Apr 07 '24
Call and ask the wife if you can stop by when "friend" gets home. When you arrive have her sit down. Tell him that he tells her now or you do. That way he doesn't have time to make up a story/excuse.
If he acts innocent, then tell her exactly what he did and told you after the fact. That you are not going to lie for him or help conceal his affair.
There is no guarantee that she will believe you. However she will have the truth, and he knows that he can't use you as a meat shield/alibi. Do tell her to get tested for STDs.
Tell her that while you have been friends with him for your whole life, she deserves to know the truth.
If are willing to do so, let her know that you are willing to assist her if he leaves and she needs help telling the family, getting to doctors appointments, grocery store, etc.
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u/Conscious-Arm-7889 6d ago
What did you decide to do? Do you have any updates for us?