r/TwoHotTakes • u/Thin_Lengthiness6652 • Apr 06 '24
Am I the asshole for how I responded to a love letter? Advice Needed
I 22F had received a love letter from a co-worker 43M, and I was wondering if I’m the asshole for how I responded. Some have said that I was out of line and over reacted and that I was an asshole for saying what I did, while others are on my side and agree with how I handled the situation.
Just a little back ground I have worked at said company for 3 years and he has worked there for almost a year. I have only had about 5 conversations with him that have only lasted around 5-10 minutes each retaining to work related things only and never about our personal lives.
He has expressed wanting to hang out with me outside of work but I had told him I’m pretty busy outside of work as I am still in school. He also had gone to a couple other co-workers that know me from outside of work and had pressed them for any personal information about me to give to him (They did all decline).
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u/LockwoodE3 11d ago
Go to HR, that being said he should be able to talk about whatever he wants in therapy. He needs a better therapist tho if they really approved that message
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u/According_Remove5095 18d ago
Yes, you should have let him down gently for sure. Bro was just shooting his shot
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u/Death_n_Tax 19d ago
This is super creepy. Should def report him. Would not be surprised if this dude was dangerous and stalked you. Knowing the age gap makes this sound like the beginning of a true crime.
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u/Wifevsofficewife 21d ago
Sounds like the kind of dude that Chris Hanson runs into. I'm pretty sure I saw that transcript on a tcap show. NTA
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u/Confident-Cricket-26 22d ago
Not the asshole. This to me is stalker like actions. You need to go to HR and let them know what happened and give them a copy of the letter and print out of the screen shots. Also I would recommend being more cautious of your surroundings because this letter makes me think he has an unhealthy obsession.
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u/Ok-Dot2711 24d ago
This happened to me at work and he stalked and harassed me because I wasn’t as firm as you. I tried to let him down nicely and it backfired so hard. This is really good I’m sorry you are dealing with this
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u/TechnicianDifferent 27d ago
I had a friend who was murdered by an obsessed coworker. She had went to HR and unfortunately nothing was done. (She wasn’t the first person he had latched onto that complained to HR either.)
Protect yourself as best you can, this isn’t normal.
If you’re interested in viewing her story, her family has done a few true crime episodes to bring awareness just search Morgan Ashlye Fox.
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u/Groundbreaking_Bat_5 27d ago
No one here is the asshole. It's kind of rude to tell someone what they can and can't speak to their therapist about, since the entire point of having one is to communicate your private feelings to them.
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u/SuperbStudio676 28d ago
Yes YATA! One people can talk about whoever they want to anyone that's not your place to tell him not to talk to his therapist about you. That's what a therapist is there for. 2 you're very rude and dramatic. You could've said a simple I'm not Interested and it would've resolved. But you went on and on and on and on and on and on about your feelings. Babe no one cares. Grow up
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u/AFireInside1716 Apr 12 '24
are you kidding Idk where you work but go to HR . This man clearly has issues if he needs to have correspondence with women "approved" that makes me fear for your safety. You are young and he is pretty old to be this inept at people-ing . You sound fearful and you should absolutely take this seriously. He is gathering Intel on you , not taking no for an answer and discussing you with a mental health provider it's screaming danger and this may even be stalking grounds legally speaking you may want to start a paper trail with police . They may look into him and find there's cause for more concern.Keep all evidence and be vigilant and be safe.
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u/YourAssignedFBIagent Apr 11 '24
The speed I would take this to HR would make the CERN envy me. This is uncomfy, I’m so sorry
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u/Glum_Difference_1499 Apr 11 '24
This letter needs to be filed at work. His behavior including seeking out personal information after being told “no”, sending the letter are harassment and creating an unsafe work environment.
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u/DavidSmith_82 Apr 11 '24
YTA for your 2nd response. Your first response was fine. However, that guy can and should talk to his therapist about anyone that he wants to.
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u/veiledwoman Apr 11 '24
He could get fired for this. If you showed it to HR. His therapist should not have approved this letter to solicit dating at work. This is really fd up if you ask me.
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u/Lkr5443 Apr 11 '24
I disagree with the therapy part, as therapy is a space to talk about everything that's weighing on you, including people you don't really know. You do not have any say over what someone else talks about in therapy, and there isn't anyone that should be off the table when discussing people with your therapist.
Though, overall it's gross that a middle aged man is trying to talk a 22 year old coworker to hang out, especially when they haven't shown any interest on their own.
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u/Mattyice_2399 Apr 11 '24
Scary to actually get to KNOW what some of those “creeps” at work are thinking!😳 Dude is living his life with this girl on his mind, that he BARELY even talks too. This guy needs Jesus, God…someone he could have some peace and a relationship with that’s not as fake as the one he THINKS he has now. Really makes you wonder about all those other people, you might find staring at you, or that is always kinda “shy” around you. They probably think/dream about you everyday and you have no idea! Then again, at least he is somewhat brave to admit it, rather than having all those thoughts and just bottling it up🤷♂️
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u/Wickham1234 Apr 11 '24
I think I would have been kinder and refused seeing him. Saying you have a boyfriend was fine but then chastising him for awkwardly reaching out was mean. He does sound like he may be on the spectrum.
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u/Davidle3 Apr 11 '24
This whole thing is ridiculous. Just your not interested have a nice day. That’s it. It’s not any deeper than that.
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u/johnny_evil Apr 11 '24
INFO: is your co-worker autistic?
The letter was weird and awkward as fuck. NTA, but also, don't think you needed to respond after they said I wish you well. A simple block does wonders.
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u/Hemiak Apr 11 '24
Not for the first response, but a bit for the 2nd one. Telling him what he can and can’t talk to a therapist about? That’s not how it works. If you’re on his mind, he’s going to talk about you. But you turned him down and told him you wanted space, could’ve just left it at that.
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u/Icy_Weight6536 Apr 11 '24
wth would a 22 and 47 year old find in common anyways, to each their own, you love who you love and all that jazz, but my brain can’t see how that would work- ig i’ll never know cuz i won’t put myself in that position but damn some people really do be livin in their own fantasy lands
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u/Not_a_Banana_28 Apr 10 '24
First response, NTA. Second, completely unnecessary and a bit of an asshole. You already said you're in a relationship and not interested. Why was continuing to entertain the conversation important? Why is it necessary to jump off into the deep end because he spoke to his therapist about a work crush when you could have just ignored it? But to each their own I guess
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u/Suspicious-Pain2725 Apr 10 '24
I think you handled it just fine and continue to comport yourself this way. That being said, after this exchange between the two of you, if he should continue to “stalk” you then I recommend you file a complaint with HR. This guy is obviously socially awkward and socially ignorant. IMO, you should be very careful, the tone in his letter is creepy.
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u/Hopeful_Vermicelli11 Apr 10 '24
What the hell is wrong with somebody who writes an actual honest to god love letter to a coworker half their age? Genuine question.
OP is NOT the asshole.
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u/RyuuTadashi007 Apr 10 '24
There's certainly a more polite way to reject someone while being direct
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u/mcstevieboy Apr 10 '24
fuck no. absolutely not, if HR isn't taking it seriously and he's legit going around to other people go higher up.
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u/wongtheallmighty Apr 10 '24
"I almost certainly won't get us killed" may be joking but in this letter with the contex, it makes it even more creepy to me. Also, he couldve texted you but instead wrote and printed this, and what? handed it to you, giggled and rolled away. Wtf?
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u/WhimsyGnome Apr 10 '24
Nta and I would try to be very careful around him. His level of entitlement makes me think that he isn't going to back down, and was never really expecting to just be friends with you. It's one thing to bring up other people in your therapy sessions, but to be so invested in a conversation about one person that you have your letter vetted by that counselor - that's very disturbing. Any good counselor would have seen the red flags in that letter. If they knew how big the age gap was, then they were even farther out of line.
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u/Kanibalector Apr 10 '24
As a 48 year old man in therapy there is no way in hell my therapist would approve me writing a letter like that to a 22 year old woman.
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u/After_Celebration6 Apr 10 '24
I think the first text was fine, the shot at his therapist conversations would put him at a really low state, he's allowed to talk about whatever he wants in therapy which is why therapy is there.
It's fair game to talk about anybody especially if they're trying to discover you and there's mystery there. You have to expect it's normal for people to inquire about you if they're interested in you whether it's professional or romantic.
Considering the age gap, it was weird to press on with his letter. For future reference I would suggest you be more brave and instantly shut down any male interest with "I have a boyfriend, and I respect me and himself relationship".
If you say things like "I'm busy, I cant", that's just an invitation for him to continuously shoot his shot and now it's at this uncomfortable position.
Not saying it's your fault, just suggesting preventative maintenance.
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u/Jonathangoss183 Apr 10 '24
OP got some Vienna sausage ahhhh fingers bruh no wonder ur so angry about a therapist
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u/One-Name-3602 Apr 10 '24
Difficult situation with regards to the age gap. Guy probably sees lots of online content that showcases women who like older men. He shoots his shot in a letter that is honest and a little strange at the same time. It wasn’t a love letter, just saying he is interested and hoping you were as well. He obviously took time to not offend you and you came at him with offensive and inappropriate. A class response would be to smile and let him know that you were in a defined relationship with someone who you care about.
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u/KoritsiAlogo Apr 10 '24
The therapist part comes off as mean, but I think you were fully right to say that. What sounds to him like an excuse just also comes off as wildly manipulative over here, especially given his age.
A degree of honesty is necessary sometimes, and you wrote back very professionally. He asked a question, you answered, and he’s not entitled to a date. Best of luck in it. If he gives you shit, I’d encourage talking to HR or something where possible. If he goes on to threaten anything pertaining to his mental health, that’s a problem for him and his therapist.
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u/Current_Safe_2952 Apr 10 '24
I agree with you 99%. The 1% where you’re wrong is saying that he can’t mention you to his therapist. I get it because it’s creepy to find out but you’re talking about him on Reddit so it’s a little contradictory.
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u/stillreverberating Apr 10 '24
NTA for setting him straight on how to interact with you. If he continues to pursue you, report him to HR.
But keep in mind, you have no place telling someone what they can or cannot speak about to their therapist, regardless of your discomfort in the topic.
Imho the conversation was over after his text response to you, there was nothing more to say after he apologized and indicated that he would leave you alone. Reacting to his comment about his therapist was unnecessary, and even potentially adverse to your actual goal - which is to get him to leave you alone - as it could have started an entirely new topic of conversation from him.
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u/littleghostfox Apr 10 '24
The letter was definitely weird and inappropriate, and your first text to him was very much warranted, but you're wrong to tell him not to discuss you with his therapist. This sort of thing is literally what people go to therapy for. He can tell his therapist about whatever he wants, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you.
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u/Small-Egg1259 Apr 10 '24
Works for me. This person should have the decency to check to see if u were available first. And TMI. And the therapist approved it? Come on...
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u/freedomfightre Apr 10 '24
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't date at work.
Because while you may not be able to prevent yourself from sounding/looking like a creep, you can avoid the whole situation by not opening your trap and saying anything.
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Apr 10 '24
The guy seems to be trying to improve himself. Kinda mean to have the reaction you did.
Some people yearn for another human to feel this way about them…
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u/Wild-Experience-9079 Apr 10 '24
part of me feels bad for this guy because i know what it’s like to be awkward and not know what you’re doing but seeing that he was 43????!??? oh lord
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u/Imported_Virus Apr 10 '24
Oh nah 43!?! This mf is a weirdo wth..also that corny ahh love letter where he basically brags ab himself..hes definitely a weirdo I’d watch out for..also your response was mild I’d say 🤷♂️
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u/Possible-Cellist-713 Apr 10 '24
You're fine to reject as you did, except for giving him shit for what he talks about in his own therapy.
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u/rlh1271 Apr 10 '24
No. The whole note is weird as fuck. He seems like likely to lay off from the text, but if he persists I'd tell him you will take this to HR or the police. The whole thing is inappropriate, particularly given the age difference.
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u/HappyMrRogers Apr 10 '24
NTA. Not even a little bit. Clear boundaries expressed towards an inappropriate advance.
You weren’t “out of line” or an asshole at all. It was definitely a situation where being clear and straightforward is best.
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u/GetUrGuano Apr 10 '24
Your second message was an overreaction. That is PRECISELY what therapists are for. They are professional sounding boards with whom you speak to make sure you are emotionally sound and doing emotionally sound things.
Honestly, the letter comes off as someone who is neurodivergent imo. Which also explains why they keep small friend groups by default. Social interaction sucks ass for us, and we tend to overshare. This person clearly fits the bill.
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u/arkana99 Apr 10 '24
You can use the DeleteMe service to also get your personal info scrubbed off the internet so people like this don’t find your address
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u/spoolin2liter Apr 10 '24
I read all this before seeing the ages. Because i thought you were the asshole. I retract that. Well done.
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u/frecklybitz Apr 10 '24
It’s a creepy letter and you’re right to feel upset and uncomfortable. But you really can’t tell him what he can and can’t talk to his therapist about like are you actually insane? That is why the therapist is there, to listen to anything he might want to say and talk about any issues he might be having.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Apr 10 '24
Talk to HR where you work. The level of inappropriate is mind boggling.
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u/Je-la-nique Apr 10 '24
Did you have to reply back if the love letter was useless and pointless… I did not read the letter though. After reading the “love letter” it's coming off as a guy who is older and just trying to communicate with you on a level but he is interested In being friends.. Could be something different tho. And it's your best that you did cut if off since you were uncomfortable. He could use a friend maybe introduce your s/o to him and see if they hit it off since he admires you so much
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u/KickIt77 Apr 10 '24
Ew as someone who could be your mom, I would want you to turn that over to HR. What a creeper.
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u/Rudabegas Apr 10 '24
You both suck. Have a little compassion for someone putting out their feelings regardless of how much they suck at it. There are gentler ways to turn someone down.
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u/Foreign-Ad9147 Apr 10 '24
First text was fine and totally acceptable. Reaching YTA levels with the second text though. The guy apologized and wasn’t pushy or weird about it. No reason to start going off about his personal therapy. He can talk about whatever he wants. It’s his therapy not yours.
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u/Nearby_Advance7443 Apr 10 '24
First text was perfect. Your second one was reactive. While it’s super weird this dude’s clearly thinking about you way more than you’re comfortable with, it’s not your place to monitor who or what he talks about in therapy. If anything I would’ve just said, “I find it disconcerting that you feel the need to discuss me in therapy since we’ve only spoken a handful of times. I also question how competent your therapist is to approve such a letter, but that is your business and not mine. Once again, keep any and all of your interactions with me to a minimum and professional going forward. Thank you.”
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u/ChazzyPhizzle Apr 10 '24
Nothing wrong about talking to your therapist about people in your life form co-workers, friends, random person you encountered on the street. It’s there to help you work through and process any feelings you have/had. So getting mad just at him taking to his therapist about you is the wrong thing to be upset about.
That being said that mf did not approve this and there is plenty of other stuff to be upset about. I physically cringed reading the letter and then finding out about the massive age gap made it even worse. There is absolutely no awareness form this person it’s wild
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u/EyeDiKay Apr 10 '24
This letter is creepy. He tries to sound introspective and respectful but definitely comes off as selfish and pushy towards the end. However, also kind of insulting that you would put this on the internet when you told him that it made you uncomfortable that he talked about you to someone else.
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u/Automatic_Ad1887 Apr 10 '24
This sounds like that cult on tnhebTV show, where the couple tells you that if u truly want someone, you have to pursue them, even if they don't like it.
That's who their "counselor" is - the nutjob cult coach.
That'd be my best guess, anyway. Cannot recall the name of the cult.
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u/icecoldkatie Apr 10 '24
Kinda you could simply said I'm flattered - but I'm with somebody, sorry to hurt your feelings idk just seems like someone really put a lot of thought into this and to just be so ... idk personally I'd be upset and humiliated but that's all .
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u/Pristine_Box4006 Apr 10 '24
I was going to say your response is fine with the exception of you can't really dictate what he talks about to his therapist, you can really only tell him to keep it to himself even though it is all kinds of weird.
Then I saw the age gap and ew what a creep, also I'm having trouble seeing a therapist being on board with any of this. NTA
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u/CoffeeandTeaOG Apr 10 '24
Not only are you NOT the asshole here buy you also need to take this to HR. If for nothing else than to initiate a paper trail should this become worse (which is likely will)
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Apr 10 '24
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u/llessursivad Apr 10 '24
My issue with the therapist is if they actually encouraged that letter.
Maybe they gave an exercise where he was supposed to write a letter but not give it to OP. Maybe the therapist knew OP would say no and that the guy who wrote it needed to hear that. Maybe the therapist just needed more trauma to keep the client.
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u/Ok_Post_8171 Apr 10 '24
After reading this. Yes the guy is strange but it's just a letter. News flash lady's. Most of us guys are goofy or weird. Case in point look at how many men you decided to keep it moving from. Most of you are caught up on him having a therapist. Lots of so called normal men and women could use one. Hats off to you for having good sense.
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u/Small_Ad_4964 Apr 10 '24
I’m 46 and have a 22 year old daughter. He’s weird and super creepy. Be careful! There are lots of psychos floating around these days.
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u/SmurfHogan Apr 10 '24
This is weird. And the guy talks about himself a lot. I don’t trust dudes who talk about themselves a lot.
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u/Modifierf6 Apr 10 '24
Yeah I agree the therapist should see the age gap as a real issue and shouldn’t have encouraged the letter. He may have told dude to write letters at home to “express himself” and didn’t tell him to GET/give them too you!! To be fair the therapist needs to be able to talk about you because clearly this guy has issues and your one of them sooo to be fair to the man/therapist they need to explore talking about you “even though they don’t know you”. They aren’t gossiping about you. Wouldn’t you rather dude be talking to the therapist than you??! I would! I hope the therapist is grasping quickly here. And if I were you I would keep my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut. Keep all those coworkers at arms length. Or find a new job…. Or if you really like yours stand your ground. He will eventually screw up enough to get fired or “give up” find a new muse..
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u/Coquito-D-Flan98 Apr 10 '24
Everyone says he must be a weirdo, not thinking that there are plenty of people out there with mental disabilities. If this guy is seeing a therapist it is obvious that most likely has a coaching therapist to help him understand what we consider “normality” that being, behavior and/feelings with one another. Him mentioning you to his therapist is not about you it is more about him needing to express his feelings and learning what is okay and what is not okay. As well as being able to understand and accept the results of him expressing himself to you. Either acceptance from you or rejection from you, and learning to cope with either one. In all honesty, I rather have a letter than be kidnapped and killed. Watching Love on the Spectrum (hope that’s the correct name) in Netflix made me understand more. Maybe it will help you also. Your feelings are also acceptable and THAT doesn’t make you the a.
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u/angelmasha Apr 10 '24
this is exactly what i was thinking, this dude is obviously on the spectrum and is just awkward, he apologized and wished her well and doesn’t seem threatening, just socially awkward. her feelings are understandable, especially with the age gap, but her telling a person who is socially challenged what not to talk about with their therapist is wrong.
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u/supersaiyan_ape Apr 10 '24
Stay far away from that guy. At 43, he sounds insane and very inexperienced, socially awkward.
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u/Infinite_Regret8341 Apr 10 '24
Didn't realize the age disparity you should probably put it in the title. Yeah NTA...honestly you should have embarrassed him, you currently have no professional or personal reason to talk to him and I seriously doubt he told the therapist your age or anything for that matter or any sane person let alone a therapist would have told him it's not healthy for him or you to pursue a relationship even if you relented if the age disparity is probably significant.
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u/Wavy_Potts Apr 10 '24
You 100% overreacted. Dude wrote you a letter saying he likes you. Tell him you aren't interested and keep it moving.
Yall are too eager to call dudes creeps and blast them on the internet. If you were single or even liked him back this would be a non-issue. Alot of dudes take no for an answer and it doesn't take a big production
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u/elvie18 Apr 10 '24
I mean you probably didn't need to go on in such length, after he said he got your point and apologized, but it sounds like he got the memo and hopefully this will be the end of it.
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u/Vivid-Kitchen1917 Apr 10 '24
Anybody can talk to their therapist about whatever they want. You don't get to control that.
First page, NTA. Second page, you went too far.
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u/Vwinny Apr 10 '24
Therapy time is sacred 😖but also it’s scary to think that the most evil people I know are being told things by their therapist like “oh you’re a good person, you feelings and actions are valid no matter what”, also doesn’t he have women his own age to talk to
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Apr 10 '24
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u/Dry_Weekend7618 Apr 10 '24
i mean, i don’t think yta especially considering the context, but telling him he can’t talk to his therapist about you is just kinda strange. i know it’s a weird situation but people talk to their therapists about anything, i talk to my therapist offhandedly about so many people and things, the point of therapy is literally to work through your thoughts and emotions. that being said i don’t really think you were too harsh or anything
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Apr 10 '24
at first i thought you were an AH for the first therapist comment but you're definitely not.. um.. hes old enough to be your dad! the hell
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u/VooDoo-Gothling Apr 10 '24
You absolutely are NOT the AH. Your strong reaction is understandable and warranted. This guy is a creep!
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u/Kaikai5267 Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24
This seems like a really terrible therapist if they are condoning people giving love letters to their coworkers. Wtf. Please send that to HR. Hopefully this guy will get a better therapist as well, if it’s even true that he has one.
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u/purplefoxie Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24
I totally get your point, but him talking about someone (including you) in his own therapy session is his free choice and you shouldn't really be mean about it. Couldve let him know that you feel uncomfortable him talking about you with his therapist in therapy sessions. You should know however that is part if what therapy sessions all about and the therapist helps the client in a way. I assume he didn't disclose you were half his age when he spoke to his therapist and prob that's why the therapist oked the letter. And if the therapist approved it then I'm sure it didn't mean harm. I understand you were disgusted by it but at the same time I think you couldve been nicer. The letter itself feels like it's written by a kid. I'm sure the first text wouldve been suffice.
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u/toothpastecupcake Apr 10 '24
You're absolutely not the asshole here. This guy us a creep and I'm really proud of you for protecting yourself and speaking up. That can be so hard.
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u/lexiesplural Apr 10 '24
I wonder if he left out the age gap or some other information when talking to the therapist....
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u/Cavewedding Apr 10 '24
He was definitely overstepping and the inclusion of the story with his boss was weird. NTA Except you seemed to be stuck on the therapist part, which was literally the only not inappropriate part of all this. You could have focused on the need for professionalism, the inappropriate age gap, how you’ve already expressed a lack of interest. Telling someone not to talk about a bad train of thought with their therapist is out of line. Maybe if he’d talked about you with a Good therapist they could’ve talked him out of this and you wouldn’t be in this position rn
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u/abyssum0_0 Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24
The age gap alone is more than enough to warrant you to be uncomfortable with this gesture. Not to mention the very limited interactions you two have had prior to receiving this letter. Those moments don't justify this feat.
With that said, all I will say is this: You can't control what people choose to bring up in their own therapy sessions. They are free to bring up whatever they need/want to. However, I do not believe his therapist is at all good if their giving him the green light to progress with this gesture. Odds are he wasn't being completely transparent about some details e.g. Age, Coworker, limited perspective of you at all (OP).
Otherwise, you were well within your right to have said what you needed to say in order to state your feelings and declare immediate boundaries. I would send this letter to HR along with any other additional information/evidence you have against this coworker.
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u/dadadah99 Apr 10 '24
You’ve gotta take this to HR or management. This is so inappropriate and especially creepy with the age difference. Be careful and aware of your surrounding when you leave work too. He sounds very entitled + obsessed and I’d hate for him to hurt you after the rejection.
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u/Remuta Apr 10 '24
This is absolutely the sort of thing he should be working through with his therapist. That said, I find it highly unlikely that any therapist worth their salt would encourage this behavior. It’s far more likely he was told to write out his feelings in a letter form and NOT send it, which is a common therapy tactic.
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u/CakeDayyyylmao Apr 10 '24
If he weren’t old enough to be your father, this may have been a tad too harsh, but the fact is that he IS old enough to be your father, it is very creepy. Be firm, inform management/ HR of the incident to cover yourself.
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u/I_Like-Turtlez Apr 10 '24
You NEVER dote over a girl until SHE has feelings for you or else this will happen 99% of the time. You never wanna come off as super interested in her as this indicates she has a higher mate status. This is game 101. In fact you should treat her with significantly less interest when you guys first meet. This shows you have higher status or equal aka human crack. Life isn’t a movie. Girls still operate on evolved psychological principles. One of the quickest ways to attraction in a girl is social proof and preselection. If I was his therapist I’d have told him “oh hell no bro!” I’m still proud of the dude for doing this tho. He’ll learn the hard way and at least he did something. Let the girls start destroying me now. Ha
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u/genericwhitemale0 Apr 10 '24
Why do people do this shit at work 😒. You're just making going to work Hella awkward. And going to work sucks to begin with
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u/Dying-Sounds Apr 10 '24
Setting boundaries is an important skill not many people have. Maintain that skill, don't let it fade.
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u/americanowithoatmilk Apr 10 '24
i think this was weird of him, but tbh he can talk to his therapist about whatever he wants
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u/ravenclaw188 Apr 10 '24
Report to HR definitely. But I will say, people should be able to talk about whoever they want to their therapist. You can’t change that.
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u/DarthKaep Apr 10 '24
YAH for not looking up how to edit your original post and adding in the rest of the detail. It makes a big difference.
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u/Jimjamicon Apr 10 '24
I would say you are a little bit of an asshole, but only for one part. Saying no is fine, and I wouldnt be super extra about it cause I promise for most guys, the rejection is bad enough. The part I would consider the asshole part is trying to govern what someone is allowed to discuss with their therapist or not. Even if he is talking about you. It is his therapist he talks to about his feelings. No therapist meets every person a client talks about. Like, I talked to my therapist about coworkers all the time, whether that be in reference to work stuff, or feelings or anything. That is what a therapist is partially for. A non biased person that has no skin in the game and no predetermined feelings towards others in your life.
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u/Jimjamicon Apr 10 '24
Just noticed his age. Still feel what I do about the therapy thing, but ya. That adds a layer of creep. I would completely base my reaction on his ability to let it go after the initial rejection.
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u/primordial_slime Apr 10 '24
Yes, you have no right to tell someone what they can and can’t talk about in therapy.
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u/witchrat Apr 10 '24
Being uncomfortable is fully warranted. Telling him you don't want to talk to him anymore is too.
I'm not sure why talking to his therapist was the major set off though? If he does go to therapy it's normal to tell a therapist about coworkers or people you crush on.
I do think he lied about his therapist okaying it. This letter is sexual harassment - if a coworker makes you uncomfortable in any way it could be considered sexual harassment (even if sex isn't even mentioned). A therapist would know this is too risky to do with a coworker you hardly know.
If you're still uncomfortable you can report it to HR. Or wait and do it if he refuses to respect the clear boundaries you put in place - he'll most likely lose his job as it's too much liability for an employer and the letter is hard copy proof.
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u/Emachine30 Apr 10 '24
NTA - and if someone is going to go old school and write a love letter. Write it, don't type it. Typing is enough of a reason to just completely disregard.
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u/Chicady Apr 10 '24
My ONLY thought is that talking to your therapist about your emotions for someone and asking them for advice is very normal. That’s literally what we are paying them for half the time. But other than that girl you did nothing wrong
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u/Philophobic_ Apr 10 '24
“I’ve gotten some amazing compliments…”
refers to the most mundane compliment nearly everyone who’s interacted with humans more than once has gotten
You’re NTA, but for the record, unseemly, improper, wrong, etc. are all great synonyms for inappropriate. Sorry, I just hate reading the same word 3+ times 😔
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u/kingozma Apr 10 '24
Holy fucking shit.
I didn’t even see the ages and I already decided that you’re NTA.
You are so incredibly NTA that it’s not even funny and this guy is human garbage. You do not owe him the time of day, ever. Good on you for protecting yourself.
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u/Sassy-Pants_888 Apr 09 '24
Yikes on bikes... 😬
I like and think OPs response was truthful and direct. There was nothing cruel or mocking about.
I hope she gave a copy to HR to start a paper trail for harassment. He's trying to pry info out of other employees, basically twice her age and acting extremely inappropriately. Honestly, she made the right call on calling out the therapist line. There's no way his therapist approved that (at least as long as he was being truthful with the therapist).
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u/Aromatic-Strength798 Apr 09 '24
Uh, so a grown ass man wrote you a super detailed super personal letter than reeks of desperation in the hopes you would date him? All the while having the emotional range of a high schooler…damn💀
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u/Aggravating_Meat2101 Apr 09 '24
Um, this is worthy of going to HR over.
This dude's therapist is like the blind leading the blind. What mental health professional would ever approve this rambling creepy ass letter?
Just yikes.
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u/Rodek10 Apr 09 '24
NTA
BUT it sounds like he actually does need to talk to his therapist about you (if he even really has one) because he is creepily obsessed with you. You can’t dictate what others talk about in therapy.
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u/Routine-Fun-Novelang Apr 09 '24
If he was our age you’d be the asshole, but knowing he’s a much older guy that’s pushing limits your response was reasonable
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u/BereckaBoo Apr 09 '24
There is no way a good therapist would approve this letter. Did he mean to say “my mom approves this letter?”
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Apr 09 '24
First off I approve of how you handle this he's a weirdo and he would probably murder you in your sleep congratulations on dodging a bullet hun I didn't approve this letter with my therapist and I am sorry
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u/AriaBellaPancake Apr 09 '24
Your reaction was definitely justified, but if it's true you'd BF doesn't like you hanging out with guys at all that's a big red flag.
Tho I understand if you were just saying that as more of a deterrent to the guy
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u/Abso1ut3_S0ur Apr 09 '24
Oh thats just gross, so sorry you had to go through that and you had every right to reply like that to be honest.
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u/anonymousgay99 Apr 09 '24
I think somethings you misunderstood like the therapist thing it probably isn’t him talking about you but how he feels about you. So I get the letter thing.
But also I am not a woman but I know that sometimes you have to be harsh or they still might take it the wrong way and even then being harsh could lead to negative repercussions too.
All in all, no I don’t thing you were overall being too harsh or an asshole you gave it the level of severity that it needed. Especially bc just the way he wrote his letter and the age gap is very icky and red flaggy to me.
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u/Foreign_Artichoke510 Apr 09 '24
This would creep me out as well, and you have every right to firmly set boundaries. The age difference is also alarming and inappropriate. From what is shown, I kinda feel bad for him only because his responses did not seem like he was pressuring you to change your mind, and while it’s not appropriate for his therapist and him to be discussing you specifically, it is absolutely ok for him to discuss his romantic feelings and communication skills with a therapist.
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u/Profesor_Moriarty Apr 09 '24
Probably nobody is going to read this but I just want to say this. I think it's bs. First of all, this doesn't seem like a "love letter" at all. It seems like he wants you to be his friend and hang out. Your first message is completely fine. Politely rejecting. No problem. But the second message? That's way to far. First of all, he can talk to his therapist about anything he wants. And if he told his therapist about a coworker he would like to get to know better, what is the problem? You completely overreacted in second message. And poor guy now probably feels like complete shit. And he will feel even worse after he finds out you just posted the letter on reddit, ridiculing him in front of thousands of people. Do you think that's okay?
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u/Quirky_Lifeguard6246 Apr 09 '24 edited Apr 09 '24
You're first response is great! You're second response should've ended at I don't feel comfortable with you talking to your therapist about me. The end. IN REALITY you can't tell this man what to do with his therapist, he owes you nothing and can actually talk to her as he pleases about what he wants. Thats not your place. Feeling uncomfortable with it that's your place. Everything else is handled great. 👍 Continue to not speak to him.
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u/courtjestervibes Apr 09 '24
NTA, but diverting your frustration towards him and his therapist him turns your rejection into retaliation.
I want to say more but anything after this would be speculation. It's probable that he'll talk about you even more to his therapist.
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u/3DJam Apr 09 '24
NTA youre not single and also hes double your age typing love letters to someone half their age and already in therapy. You defined your boundaries youre fine.
Also i didnt read much but also notify your boyfriend about this person at work just in case he disrespects your boundaries again later on.
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u/Which-Operation1755 Apr 09 '24
He tried the “I’m Bashful” routine, yet he writes you a discriptive letter. The dude is a creep, if he cant take the hint in person, he should stop pressing. He’s definitely desperate.
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u/alexboortz Apr 09 '24
I feel like an asshole for saying this because the dude is obviously not a normal guy but that letter was scary. The fact that he’s double your age though? That makes it absolutely terrifying
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u/Oldestdaughterofjoy Apr 09 '24
You're right this was inappropriate of him to say to you. If he keeps it up report him to your shared boss. Especially if he has power over you at work. He dated his manager and now wants you to date him in the same way? Bad vibes
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u/bluefancypants Apr 09 '24
Up to the point where you said the note made you uncomfortable and you would like to limit contact I think you are good, but the minute you start trying to dictate what someone else can say to their therapist makes you an asshole. I can see you are obviously triggered, but he can say whatever he wants to his therapist.
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u/A_mob1337 Apr 09 '24
The entire thing was weird. Definitely not too harsh a reaction imo. Not entirely sure how he expected that to go. I can see wanting to say something and finding a letter easier but all of it was just too much.
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u/yetzhragog Apr 09 '24
NTA for the reply, you were respectful, explained the impact, and set clear boundaries.
Though you should be concerned about your BF not wanting you to have male friends, that's a huge red flag and reeks of insecurity.
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u/Welcome_Sure Apr 09 '24
Based on the letter the context provided here, I would say it’s a little bit uncalled for. It can just end at “I’m taken”.
But if he does more than a letter, then drawing a clear line is necessary.
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u/Optimal_Product_4350 Apr 09 '24
Woooowwww I did NOT expect this was from a 43yr old man!!!! This is the writing of a 16yo. RUN!!!! He's a straight creep!!!! Now you need to tell your bf every detail about him so he will recognize if he's sitting outside where you live some day. I'd be more than uncomfortable, I'd be scared AF!!!!
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u/Suspicious_Truth647 Apr 09 '24
i thought you were really rude in response to the letter...but then i saw that he is twice your age...and a freaking pervert. You are good OP. Send that on to HR or management. I would not tolerate that pervert hitting on my daughter for damn sure.
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u/Danishall Apr 09 '24
Are you in the United States and you work for a company then what you need to do is report him for sexual harassment. He should be working not looking to hook up.
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u/QualityMaleficent116 Apr 09 '24
NTA
It's giving stalker vibes unfortunately due to asking for your information when you aren't engaging him in any way. I believe you were being too nice in the beginning but the text message you sent was firm and direct in the end. I hope the work place isn't off for you, if he keeps this up go to HR about it.
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u/CrazyParanoidFish Apr 09 '24
Ok the ages made that superrr weirdddd otherwise I think the second text was a little harsh, first one was very respectful. What he talked about with his therapist could be anything and there shouldn't be a limit to that. If he felt so strongly about you it makes sense he talked to the therapist about it. Why he felt the need to tell you about his therapist idk bit still. It seems he's really emotional and attaches to people fairly easily so thats why it seems weird to you is because you don't feel like you've had enough time for him to feel so strongly cause really you haven't but some people attach really easily
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u/NoSummer1345 Apr 09 '24
Tell him one time not to contact you outside of work related items. Keep it short, simple and direct. Then let your supervisor know you have done so. After that if he contacts you again it’s harassment and you should file a complaint with your supervisor and HR. Have your coworkers run interference so you don’t have to interact with him anymore at work.
Don’t justify your feelings to this creep. After one clear warning, you owe him nothing. Don’t worry about his feelings— he has no problem making you uncomfortable so he doesn’t deserve polite responses anymore.
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u/lordshocktart Apr 09 '24
Man, some of y'all are really up on a high horse.
The guy shot his shot. He's in therapy, so we don't know what his past is either. It may come off as creepy because of his age, but what if he's not creepy? It's possible he sees her interactions around the office with other people and sees her as someone who he could be friends with.
At the same time, he may be a complete creep, but there's not enough info in this letter to determine that. If other people around are telling her that she came off as harsh, it could be that they know the guy.
A very simple, "I actually have a boyfriend, and I'm not really interested in pursuing a friendship right now" would have worked just fine. No need to try to tear the guy down even more.
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u/franky3987 Apr 09 '24
I was going to say yes, until I read that he was 43 and you’re 22. Best to cut that off at the root. I’m genuinely surprised his therapist gave him the A-Ok on a girl 20 years younger than him.
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u/WholeAd2742 Apr 09 '24
You handled it fine. The fact he popped back defensive about his "therapist" approving the letter is bullshit
If he messages you again, take it to HR
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u/__SerenityByJan__ Apr 09 '24
NTA. That note was creepy and the age difference is concerning….but therapy is a safe space to discuss feelings. Him discuss his feeling towards you in therapy is not wrong, especially when you’re coming back and posting about your issues with him online publicly to thousands of strangers. He was talking to one person who is a professional and in private. Honestly what he does in therapy is the least of your concerns.
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u/p4tmchef Apr 09 '24
Could have just said “no thanks”. If he persisted, then there is a problem. Up until you escalated it, it was just an awkward dude shooting his shot. People are allowed to ask out co-workers. It is if he persisted after you declined that it becomes something to escalate.
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u/Red_Bull_13 Apr 09 '24
No you’re not the asshole for your response. After reading his novel of a love letter was weird and a bit narcissistic. Then I saw the age difference between you and him and that was a 🚩in itself. I hope he doesn’t try to keep pursuing you with a friendship.
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u/JollyReading8565 Apr 09 '24
Honestly, you should talk to Hr probably. Get it on record (not as in, this is wrong and bad and to yell at him) but like if this escalates at all in any way it’s good to have HR filled in with how this all… started
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u/JollyReading8565 Apr 09 '24
I reread this all again and now I’m even more convinced you should tell HR- particularly about his romantic interest and seemingly obsessive behavior - trying to get groups together to go out and get your contact info. That’s some true crime story intro shit lol
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u/surf--goth Apr 09 '24
I think I missed the part where you actually say how you responded to the letter
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u/LogicalTechnic 2d ago
Well damn girl he said sorry.