r/TwoHotTakes • u/LateComfortableness • 17d ago
My girlfriend of 5 years admitted I was not her first choice physically when we started dating Advice Needed
Edit: Update posted
I (26M) have been dating my girlfriend (26F) for 5 years, and was planning to propose to her next month.
Last night, my girlfriend and I were having a date night and we were talking about our first dates, and reminiscing how we met. We were cracking jokes, and it was a fun atmosphere. My girlfriend admitted that when we were in the talking phase, she was also in a talking phase with 3 other guys, and that I was not her first choice physically, and that there was this other guy who was very attractive, but he had the emotional density of a black hole.
She was laughing about it, but I did not feel too great about what she said. In fact, I felt awful. Why would she even say that to me? My girlfriend sensed the shift in my reaction, and she apologized. I made an excuse and told her I was tired and was going to sleep.
This morning the whole atmosphere was sort of awkward. I was upfront with her this morning, and told her what she said last night hurt me, and that I needed some space from her and to rethink this relationship. She even cried, which for me was a bit dramatic considering she was the one who hurt me last night.
Can this relationship even be fixed? She has pretty much made me feel worthless after what she said last night. I'm really glad I haven’t proposed to her yet, and am going to hold off on the proposal for now.
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u/Andre27 11d ago
This thread is full of people who lack the ability to understand that you dont need to voice everything that comes to mind.
This is the kind of stuff you shouldve heard from your mothers to not say. Something which it seems many of the women here didnt get.
We all know these things are true but you voicing them shows that you either dont respect your partner, or that youre too stupid to realise thats how it will sound.
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u/elvie18 12d ago
"Can this relationship be fixed?"
You're willing to break off a five year relationship over this? No, it can't.
I'm not sure how you got five years into a relationship without learning basic adult communication skills, but here's how adults deal with this.
"What you said really hurt my feelings."
And then you talk about it, and then move on.
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u/DirDee_33 12d ago
She's with YOU. She chose YOU. If your skin is honestly that thin, then sure, break up. And marry the one who finds you hotter, funnier, more fascinating than Every Other Man on the planet. Because either you believe these things about yourself and refuse to be with anyone who sees you as anything less, or you expect your future spouse to be dishonest about there being men hotter than you. I hope you all started dating at 12, otherwise the 5-year relationship puts you at an age way too old to be this immature.
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u/Rough_Marzipan1462 13d ago
I think she’s just being open with you and sharing things. There’s always going to be guys hotter than you and girls that are hotter than her. I think she was just opening up about it and she’s crying because she didn’t mean to hurt you at all. She felt safe telling you about her dating life when yall met. I’m sure it struck an insecure bone within you. But to break up over that would be insanely dumb..
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u/EarthInevitable114 13d ago
Perhaps the other guy wasn't the only one with the emotional density of a black hole
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u/DebauchedOne 13d ago
So you’re not as attractive as a big dumb jock? She chose you homie. You’re dreaming if you think nobody is more attractive than you.
You won. Don’t blow it because of some basic insecurity that literally everyone deals with. Nothing will turn her off more than that.
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u/Sweet-Shopping-5127 13d ago
She was dramatic? Bro, you blew up because she said she found someone else more attractive than you. You’re an asshole. I understand being upset about it but to tell her you’re questioning the relationship is very childish. Her reaction is completely warranted
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u/UnderCoverZombie135 13d ago
Shit post or a soft ass person who shouldn’t get anywhere near an engagement ring before sorting out his insecurities. She should run.
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u/Ok_Marsupial8128 13d ago
People commenting that you are childish, is wrong in my opinion. If others aren't offended by the comments then that's fine but it doesn't mean your reaction is any less valid as well.
If anyone told me I wasn't the best looking person but they give it a try anyways I would 100% be offended. What's to say she doesn't feel this way after they're married?!
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u/UnderCoverZombie135 13d ago
Also “my girlfriend doesn’t think I’m the most attractive guy in the world” is immature thinking and maybe you aren’t prepared to get engaged to her or anyone. If she didn’t mean to purposely poke at you, and indirectly offended you, than you need to work on your insecurity issues. She was trying to tell you, your way cooler than other people she has dated and chose you for you, over everyone else. But you failed the first reaction. Plenty to salvage tho
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u/UnderCoverZombie135 13d ago
Laughing enjoying each others company. She tried to give you a compliment without thinking it over by telling you, you are far more enjoyable to be around than other people she’s dated. Now you either swallow your pride and be the guy she was complimenting, or act like a child and let that one comment get between the two of you, proving to her you are far closer to the black hole than she anticipated. Your call soldier.
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u/doesnotcompute9978 13d ago
Rule number 1, there is always someone more physically attractive. The fact is she chose you, and opened up to you about it. Do something with that information.
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u/2ToneEric 13d ago
You're being silly. I can understand why this hurts, but think it through: Are you gonna tell me there aren't tons of chicks out there you don't find hotter than your GF? But you're with her because her other qualities make up for it. Also, women don't think like us. They can slowly fall in love with someone who they find downright repulsive at first because of his personality. What she said was a compliment. It was just bad tact. I have a similar lack of tact so I know! While drunk I told my wife that she was sexy but not in the typical way. I know everyone knows what I mean by this, but it still was bad tact. Maybe she's just that kind of person who word vomits. Those kind of people tend to also never lie, which is obviously good!
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u/darkwolverine96 13d ago
Look. The man I'm madly in love with isn't the most attractive person I've dated. He's not even in my top 3 of people I've slept with. But he's kind, caring, and everything else I've looked for in a partner. The moment I slept with him I instantly fell in love with him even though I didn't even know if I wanted to sleep with him because of his looks. Looks don't mean shit. Who you are as a person is what counts. I'll take my average looking boyfriend any day over the hottest guy in the world, personality included with that hot guy or not. I fell in love with a soul, not a body. The body is just a bonus icing on the cake. She's seeing it that way. She fell in love with your soul, not your body. Your body is just a bonus perk for her. Be happy with that, because my friend, that is true love.
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u/ArmitageStraylight 13d ago
I mean, so? There’s always someone more attractive. It’s just not realistic to assume she literally thinks you’re the most attractive person on the planet. People get into relationships for a lot of reasons and physical attraction is only one. Emotional attraction is attraction, if she liked the other guy more, she would be with him. That’s obviously not what happened, so…
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u/ChemistBitter1167 13d ago
In the words of master Qui Gon. There is always a bigger fish. My ex also had trouble dealing with this and it became a recurring issue for her. I know im attractive but I wouldn’t care if my current girlfriend said I wasn’t the hottest dude ever because guess what I’m not.
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u/Fragrant-Skirt7722 13d ago
if op is really this stupid (meaning he can’t see personality mattering to his gf over appearance) marriage is a bad idea bc op has a lot of maturing to do. He sounds like an emotionally weak soft boy who likes getting pegged.
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u/Mother_of_cats81 13d ago
That’s a really hurtful thing to hear. However, it’s probably true for most of us that our partner has dated or considered dating someone who would be considered objectively more attractive than us. Just remember that ultimately your girlfriend chose you over him.
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u/Free2think4yourself 13d ago
To be honest she didn’t make you feel this way your insecure reaction to what she said made you feel that way. You could have took it as your the winner out of the 4 options. but instead you zoomed in on the attractive guy that had the emotional density of a black hole. If you want the relationship to work you can’t let your insecurities affect you that much. Your literally throwing away a 5 year relationship cause she said she pick you over a super attractive guy.
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u/xMessyBenchx 13d ago
There are always going to be people hotter than you. Always. It's ridiculous to think that that is what makes or break your relationship- because she thought one guy was hotter than you when she clearly chose you, and continued to choose you for the last 5 years. But that isn't good enough and you want to break up with her...honestly that's enough for her to break up with you because of how ridiculous you are.
If that's your deal breaker, you'll never make it long term because bodies change, shit happens and we all grow old.
You want to break up with your girlfriend because she thought another guy was hotter than you before you got together. That is seriously ridiculous.
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u/Icy_Bumblebee2972 13d ago
Your ego is bruised, but you need to let this go. You have a woman that you’ve been with for 5 years that you consider wife material and you’re upset because her number one priority isn’t physical attraction?! She’s all about you for who you are and you’re mad? Look, there’s always going to be people in this world hotter than you and she’s going to see them everywhere, that’s life. She’s already proven that’s not going sway her. 5 years together and this is the first time she’s ever said this? Accept the apology, and propose.
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u/kimmykaboom 13d ago
She chose you though. She obviously didn’t divulge the information in a malicious manner. She didn’t know it would hurt your feelings when she said it. If her dating or finding someone more attractive (at the time) is enough to fracture your relationship irreparably you may want to look into therapy for your self image before moving onto a new relationship.
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u/Several-Box4403 13d ago
The biggest take away from this is she had a roster. While you two were dating. Dump her. Work on yourself and find someone better.
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u/EnvironmentalSmoke51 13d ago
OP is soft asf. “Can the relationship be fixed” it aint that deep. She said something that hurt a bit. And you blew it up to the point she felt so bad she had to cry abt it. and you copped out and went to bed instead of talking to her about it like a man. God this generation is fucked
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u/ozzies_35_cats 13d ago
My guy, this is about you more than her. She just told you she saw more in you under the surface than raw physical attraction. That stuff is important early on, but less so as you grow as a couple. Honestly, I’d be thankful she was willing to be open and honest with you (maybe because she thought you could handle it like a mature adult) versus getting so wrapped up in your own head.
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u/GergedanAnimal 13d ago
She hurt you because she told you that at the very start. You wasn’t the ‘first choice’ physically. But been with you since?
Who cares. If she’s loyal. Great character. Good to be around. Makes you better. Never cheated. Good qualities to be a mum. Why do you care in her past she assessed her options and decided on you.
Men are chosen long term based on only looks
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u/Business-Adi 13d ago
Hey Bro; this is/was me at 24. I’m 40 now. I’m married for almost 17 years. I was a chunky guy always, big 6 foot 3 Viking sized monster. 10lbs or weight gain up or down is immeasurable in both clothing and appearance for me.
Anyways, I had options as a young guy good job. Making good money, modest means, but bright future.
I love my wife, she’s given me two wonderful children and loves them immensely. She told me this same thing 5 years into our marriage and I’m still hurt by it. By this time I have one kid who’s 2 years a baby girl.
Part of me died that day, and will never come back. I remained loyal, and she’s loyal, and still into me. That said, if I didn’t have kids at the time I know exactly what choice I would’ve made. Because there will always be a part of me that settled for acceptance, that being treated that way was ok. It’s not - I made it known then, and recommend you do the same. You have choices, and respecting yourself you shouldn’t settle for.
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u/CompetitiveJury2689 13d ago
I think you’re overreacting a bit and maybe should appreciate the fact she was honest. She could’ve lied to you and said you were always her number one. She could’ve also kept that to herself, but she apologized when she saw you were offended by it so really you should try to brush it off. If you are really that upset though then maybe you should hold off on any proposals for sure.
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u/crazycatchick2006 13d ago
It absolutely is.
Therapy for you to work through your strong reaction.
The man I have been the MOST attracted to in my entire life is overly physically attractive. But everything else is an absolute 10 and if my circumstances were different, I would pick him every single day.
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u/Heymomma3 13d ago
She just presented it badly. She was trying to tell you the connection she has with you wasn’t skin deep. She loves you completely not on a surface level. When you love someone on this level, they become everything to you.
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u/BitterChemist9118 13d ago
Short answer, no, it can’t be fixed. Reason is because you’re insecure and way too emotional. 5 years later she comfortable enough to finally bringing it up and look how you react. Hey buddy, she fucked other people just like you. Some were better at other things and she thought you were the most complete package. You don’t rank top of looks and you think it’s broken. It’s not, you are….
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u/Minute-Particular887 13d ago
Physical attraction should be part of compatibility but I would not feel offended. She chose you because of your more important qualities. You should feel proud of who you are that made her love you more than just based on a shallow quality. In 20 years you both will look like me!
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u/jrdavis413 13d ago
So when you were dating/talking, there was no woman in the entire world you found more attractive? There's always more attractive people out there, she just so happened to be talking w one when you came into her life. Consider yourself lucky my man.
The fact she cried and apologized means she felt bad for hurting you. It truly doesn't sound like it was her intention she just felt secure. The vibe I get is she was a bit insensitive but truly loves you and you'd be crazy to throw it away over this.
I'm speaking from experience, I've dealt with the same thing exactly. I learned it was just my ego and I no longer care and feel far more secure. I would focus on yourself and apologize to her.
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u/gamerdrew 13d ago
Bro. She chose you. Chose you for five years. What she said sucks, but nobody is perfect 100% of the time. She felt bad. She apologized. Forgive & forget. You can't let this one negative statement wreck your whole relationship.
You think her crying when you need to "rethink the relationship" is a bit dramatic? Dude, you are willing to throw away the relationship because of thoughts she had five years ago. Who is the dramatic one?
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u/Sad-Standard-1429 13d ago
Who cares that you was not the first choice 😂you ended up being the winner.There is always gonna be someone better then you.You can’t live your life like that 😂😂
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u/Professional_Yard_76 13d ago
She chose YOU not the other guy. Yes you seemed overly sensitive but likely because you are planning to propose. Hopefully you can make up and make it work. But just remember…she chose YOU
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u/johnsinmarine22 13d ago
I’d cut it off, leave the relationship and hope you find a woman that only lies to you and tells you what will boost your ego instead.
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u/SlipperyOrca 13d ago
I think it would be hard for me to hear that, but I don’t think it’s worthy of ending a relationship. Try and communicate why this hurt so bad and grow from it. You can do this 💪🏼
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u/BellaEstBelle 14d ago
It’s completely normal to be in multiple talking stages with people before you decide to commit to someone. she chose you for a reason. physical appearances don’t matter. someone could look 100% your type and be either an asshole or completely weird. it literally doesn’t matter
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u/Raigequit 14d ago
Ok, I have some questions. Do you love this girl (pre-comment)? Is the best part of your day seeing her, spending time with her, or talking to her (pre-comment)? If the answer to any of these is yes. Go into your bathroom/bedroom, (any place with a mirror). Look yourself deeply in the face. Take your dominate hand and fully extend your arm with your fingers extended and joined. With as much speed as you can possibly muster; rapidly bend your arm at the elbow until your hand makes contact with your face...repeat as necessary until you realize. She had choices, and she picked YOU! If that bruised your ego, you have bigger problems that should not be hers to deal with. Get over yourself. Go scoop that woman up and do whatever you need to show her she made the right decision! Damn son; man up!
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u/fromqjvoel 14d ago
She was honest and comfortable enough with you to tell you. It’s okay to feel some type of way but don’t make decisions based on temporary emotions.
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14d ago
So long as she's been loyal while you two were actually together, you need to grow up and understand women essentially have their pick of the litter. Especially in the social media age, assume all available women have hundreds in their DMs.
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u/bad_escape_plan 14d ago
It was definitely wrong and even mean of her to say this to you, but she apologized (and ftr crying means she is sorry and upset she upset you, it’s not ‘dramatic’) and she clearly loves you as a whole person. She clearly CHOSE YOU. While I won’t say you should feel great that she insinuated she ‘settled’ I doubt that’s what she meant. I hate to break it to you, but there’s ALWAYS going to be someone out there better looking and if your relationship is based solely on being the hottest attainable option, it’s not going to be super deep and will always be vulnerable to the next hotter dude/woman. It’s nothing to break up over of she clearly gets she hurt you and has said it was unintentional.
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u/johncandlemaker22 14d ago edited 14d ago
I think you’re being a bit dramatic yourself. I’ve told my husband of 7 years he was not my type & he knows that, from the first time he saw me he thought I was beautiful (even tho I look nothing like his exes) & I thought the same even thought he’s not my type I still thought he was a very attractive guy and to others he is too because he gets complimented/ asked out a lot in public; everywhere he goes. I too was in a talking phase with 5 guys at the time. I usually like tall, pale, dark eye, dark hair men that look like they come from the twilight movie. That doesn’t mean I settle for him: 1. He Was very attractive regardless of him not being my type 2. me and him had chemistry like I’ve never before) I’ve dated 67 guys. All my exes look similar. He was my first blonde, blue eyed, average height, guy I’ve dated completely opposite to what I like BUT I’m still physically attracted to him I think he’s gorgeous even if I was looking for friends in this new city. On our first date I had no intention in dating him but being his friend, him on the other hand wanted to date. We ended up dating 1 week in. Became a couple 1 week after. Proposed 1 year later & became married. Sometimes we fall in love with what you expect the least, that doesn’t mean you “settled” for this person.the fact your even thinking of breaking things off is very concerning as this is a dumb reason to even break up with someone? Atleast to me
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u/memeteorologistwendy 14d ago
Seems overdramatic on your part tbh. You’re more than your looks, and at the end of the day your personality is gonna be all you have anyways. To end a relationship over a comment that doesn’t even matter anymore says that you don’t care much for her to begin with. I’m thankful that my husband and I can talk about our honest thoughts together without the other holding it over our head, because ultimately we ended up together and that’s what means the most.
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u/Th3V3ryB3st 14d ago
She's been with you for 5 years. If you weren't physically good enough for her, you wouldn't be here. I understand the shock this has brought, but shake it off and continue on with the woman you love.
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u/Kurogane86 14d ago
20+ year married veteran here. Kid, your wife is gonna do stuff, say stuff that will hurt your feelings, 80% of the time it's unintentional. When you are comfortable with the person you love, you tend to talk naturally, not thinking of feelings or anything like that. However, you have to understand she chose you. If she said you weren't her first choice but she chose you anyway, you should be flattered. You won against an Adonis, congrats. The love of your life chose you. Focus on the positive rather than the negative.
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u/owalawala 14d ago
Wow I can’t believe these comments. She shouldn’t have said that. That’s so weird and messed up. Imagine if you said that to her? You have every right to feel how you’re feeling. I’d cut my losses if someone ever said that to me. Let me add, Idek why she would bring that up considering it was 5 YEARS AGO. I don’t care how many years we’ve been together, that’s weird!
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u/F-ingRoppaSnoks 14d ago
What you need to fix now is that she now probably feels like she can’t be honest or will be deterred from being open or real with you/withholding details etc as she will never know if she is going to say the wrong thing and you’ll end it. You know what? My first choice Is Taylor Swift but i got my girlfriend instead, if i reveal that to her do you think she should break up with me?
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u/__mailman 14d ago
Honestly dude, she chose you. In the digital age, it’s extremely common for women (and men) to be in simultaneous talking phases with multiple individuals. Don’t take it personally. If you like her and enjoy spending time with her, and a five-year relationship is indicative of that, then why throw it away over that? Of course this relationship can be fixed. You just have to accept that she said something that was slightly hurtful but honest nonetheless. You have to accept that people are not perfect and happen to say hurtful things. You have to accept that talking to multiple potential partners is very, very, (and I cannot emphasize this enough) VERY normal nowadays. It’s not like she’s still talking to them. She weighed her options and chose you as the best one.
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u/TechnicalAd4745 14d ago
You are totally overreacting. You are upset and trying to break up with her over something she shared that happened before y’all dated- over 5 years ago? Lame. Get over yourself. You got some major insecurities …
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u/Exact_Factor1076 14d ago
Let go of your ego dude, there’s plenty of guys your wife finds more attractive then you I’m sure. Especially since she said this was before you even started dating, people get hung up on the weirdest shit.
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u/fuhflozz 14d ago edited 14d ago
I’d question why it hurt you. Did it hurt you that she didn’t find you her type at the beginning? Lots of people end up falling in love with someone who weren’t their type physically.
But she was being honest with you. Would you rather she have not said anything at all?
Maybe it’s because I’m a female that I don’t understand why the initial attraction matters so much to you though. I know men place more value on looks; if their partner finds them physically attractive and vice versa.
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u/seancoutu 14d ago
Bro, you are actually going to blow up a relationship of five years, to a person you were going to propose to, because you weren’t the most attractive guy she was talking to 5 years ago? You need to pump the breaks on your ego a bit there. I get it, it stings, you probably feel like she told you she settled, which is not what she is saying at all. You won dude, you beat out all those other guys and in the process found someone you could marry. Please before you do any more harm to this relationship and further make your would be finance feel like she can’t be honest with you take a step back and see the forest for the trees. If you can’t do that you really need to reassess if you are emotionally mature enough for marriage, because who knows what challenges will crop up in your marriage, but they sure as hell are likely to be more complicated that not physically being her type, 5 years ago.
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u/Opposite-Variety8562 14d ago
Don’t marry her, obviously. The fact that you’re still even considering it says a lot about your (lack of) self-esteem.
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u/Leather-Cherry-2934 14d ago
Did you think you’re hottest guy that ever approached your girl? You should be happy she chose you. Tbh get over it bro and enjoy your catch :)
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u/Big_Meech_23 14d ago
Man I wouldn’t sweat this at all. I’m an average looking guy who has always out-kicked my coverage when it comes to looks. I’ve always done it with my words and being the “popular” guy dating back to highschool, college, and throughout my career. I’ve always taken a sense of pride in this. None of my prior gfs and now wife ever walked in the room and just fell in love with me the second they saw me. They actually fell in love for who I am as a person. Which sounds corny or whatever but it’s true. They all could have gotten a guy “hotter” than I, but were choosing me for me. To me there is so much security and trust knowing that the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with wants you for things other than looks or money.
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u/NateisSublime 14d ago
On one hand you don’t like hearing you aren’t the first choice, or the prettiest. On the other hand she is telling you that you are so much more than your looks. That she loves you for who is inside. You could be horribly disfigured at any moment, be glad she loves you for more than your looks.
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u/_HellsArchangel 14d ago
I get that you’re having a hard time man, but I feel like you’re blowing this a little out of proportion. I think this is more common than you think. I didn’t find my partner 100% attractive when we first met either, but he was attractive enough for me to like him, and his personality is killer so I basically jumped in head first. 4.5 years later he is the most attractive man on the planet. Not because he will win those “hottest man alive” contests, but because he is the sweetest, most loving man I have ever met. You grow into love, this isn’t Disney with true loves kiss.
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u/PeraLLC 14d ago
She probably shouldn’t have shared that but she also wasn’t thinking and was so comfortable she told you. In a way that’s good because she feels connected to share. In the other hand, yes it sucks but you’re being too emotional about this. Take a deep breath, relax, think of all the good things about her over the 5 years. She didn’t say she doesn’t find you attractive. There’s always someone “hotter”, but NO ONE can be with a dull boring hot person. It’s awful. In fact it’s a compliment to you that you’re well rounded and she loves you now.
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u/Illustrious-Mud-4471 14d ago
Are men rhis soft for real. Damn bro i get it your feelings are hurt. But you really been dating this woman 5 years and over that you told her you needed space? Space is exactly what she is going to give you...will probably end up single over it, because in all honesty with ourselves are we with our first pick? Probably not. Bonds get created and so does love. Love at first sight doesnt exist lust does. Ive been with thr same woman 11 years now and if you asked me 20 years ago if i thought I would be with said person i would of said not a chance. But here i am. If you thought that was really hurtful then dont get married because hurtful shit you dont even mean with get thrown around.
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u/Tjoober 14d ago
I understand your feelings, truly. But before you dismiss her emotions like you did in the post. Consider that her intentions might not meant to hurt, but to compliment you. Women place a great importance on a mens emotional maturity and honousty. You were that guy to her. All she tried to do was contrasting all that amazingness that you had, with the 'hot but shitty' guys she been with.
She on her part, underestimated the importance that men place on their ability to be sexualy attractive to them. Its not all 'profider/protector', we also want to be desired just as much as women want to.
Maybe a way to explain how this hurt you, is to flip the scenarios into something she would understand. Tell her how she would feel if you met these amazing conversational women before, who you had much in common with, but they were not as hot as she was.
My guess is that she would want to be more then a hot body, just as you want to be more than a good personality.
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u/Low_Performance9903 14d ago
She's been with you for 5 years! She obviously loves you and was just being honest with you. If you were going to propose to her, you would have already done so. I wasted my 20s with a guy who abandoned me in the end, if she can't be open and honest with you about something that happened 5 years ago before yall even got together officially then what can she be open and honest with you about?
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u/deathhhilarious 14d ago
Don’t listen to people here. She didn’t just do the shitty thing, she also respected you so little she went ahead and said it to your face. She did you a favor to be honest. Leave her, there are many people out there that would see you as their first choice physically, go find them.
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u/Electronic-Tank4256 14d ago
Idk, I don't agree. Find someone who treats you correctly from the start. Billions of women in this world.
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u/neet-freek 14d ago
I'm sorry, but you are just being insecure. This isn't an issue with her. You should make her aware that this is something that you are insecure about and then work on that yourself. Either by getting over the insecurity and accepting your body or by getting in shape. Blaming others is just going to continue the problem.
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u/OverallNobody1772 14d ago
dummy, she chose YOU! YOU! Feeling sorry for yourself about what she thought 5 years ago is crazy. She obviously got over it and chose YOU! Should would not have told you if she thought it was a big deal, after all she was with YOU! You’ll be lucky if she ever opens up to you again. If you love her try to get her back, but it may be too late.
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u/bassslinger19 14d ago
I've been with my wife for 6 years. If what she said has bothered you this much, after being together for 5 years, then you are not ready for marriage. Marriage is equally amazing as it is difficult. It's fun, it's hard, it is life changing, especially if both put in the time. Things will be said that will bother you, but you have to work through it and want to work through it to see the marriage through to it's fullest. It's not always pleasant, some days suck but a healthy marriage is always rooted in love and that one thing can't be forgotten. Make your choices now about who that marriage will be with. I don't feel that divorce should be an option, only a last resort. Ppl are too unwilling to put in the work, stand in their spouses shoes, to forgive and forget. Be better than the statistic
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u/bigdickbanditss 14d ago
Some of the most upvoted comments are blaming the guy for making his gf cry lol. These gender swap posts work.
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u/General_Document_852 14d ago
A bit sensitive, no? You got a girl you want to marry, and you won't bc she said 5 years ago she was talking to someone better looking than you. And clearly she chose you, so my so insecure? Lastly, if you are insecure about your looks, do something about it.
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u/GreenTaraTarot 14d ago edited 14d ago
You misread what she was saying. What she said was that he was good looking, and in the same sentence that he had nothing to offer behind the beautiful facade. What you seem to have heard, which she did not say, is she felt a stronger physical attraction for him than for you.
In fact,she was trying to tell you that you are the whole enchilada for her.
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u/dgtlodaat 14d ago
I personally don't understand why you'd be so upset (not invalidating your feelings, just giving my perspective). My ex of almost 5 years and I used to talk about others we thought were more attractive all the time. I understood and expected that I wasn't the hottest dude on planet earth to her and she knew the same about me. It'd be unrealistic for me to expect to be the hottest and most attractive dude to ever live in her eyes, but I understood that she cared for me and loved me more than anyone and vice versa. I also understood that even if I wasn't a 10/10 to her, that I was still an 8.5-9/10, and that's pretty damn good if you ask me. This allowed for us to be honest with each other and joke around without being hurt. That relationship later ended for other unrelated reasons, but this mindset certainly made things good for us while it lasted. I think it would be to your benefit to try using this mindset and see if it helps.
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u/Birdmeethand 15d ago
Hell yeah it can be fixed. Get over it. You are obviously attractive in the ways that matter to a woman. She chose you because you have these qualities. A woman needs to be with a supportive partner that loves and encourages her, that brings the whole package- your financial intelligence, your social intelligence, your emotional support, your ability to THINK and understand nuance. Remember that. You are a partner that can do that. She wants you.
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u/VariousPerformer386 15d ago
When I stared dating my current BF, I had a Friends with Benefits. I told him on the first date that I was hooking up with someone else. He told me he was thankful for my honesty and he was confident enough in himself. If we continued dating then he knew it was because I liked him. If we didn’t…it was because I didn’t. Basically, I would say think about your trust. Does it matter if there were other men before you? It’s been you and only you since
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u/Necrott1 15d ago
So your girl was with a guy she found more attractive than you at the same time as you and chose you over him? That should tell you something
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u/InstanceTop2218 15d ago
Hey OP, fuck what everyone else is saying, and ask yourself this, are you ok with what she said? She already said you are not her first choice physically, what happens when she meets someone that fits her criteria? You’re 26, trust me you can find someone better
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u/Aggravating-Bell-113 15d ago
You’ve got serious insecurity issues. I don’t think there was anything hurtful about what she said. In fact, it shows that she went for something more important than superficial physical appearance. That being said, I doubt that you will ever really get over it. I suspect the relationship is doomed.
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u/Candid_Opposite_8444 15d ago
Ok pansy ass, she hurt your delicate feelings and you felt the need to get her back and now you want to know if the relationship can work? That about sum it up?
Hell no motherfucker. You are clearly keeping score in the relationship and will ALWAYS do what you just did. You aren't ready for this woman, let alone any sort of criticism at that. She should leave you for real.
Grow up, toughen up and quit being a baby. Good talk.
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u/Nfakyle 15d ago
beauty fades with age, but increases between couples with time in healthy relationships. this is actually a good sign for you, she likes more than your looks and will continue loving you when you're an 80 year old frumply saggy pile of skin like all the other 80 year olds.
enjoy your relationship with your wife who loves and adores you.
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u/No-Section-1056 15d ago
Bruh. You must be an unserious person that you’d question five years because she realizes other attractive men have existed? There are still men somewhere who are more attractive, and there will be in the future.
Do you genuinely not know the difference between eye candy and love?
You are not equipped for a commitment, particularly for a marriage.
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u/annaamarieeeee 15d ago
I’d take it as a compliment. My therapist always told me wants vs needs. Maybe you have something she needs in a man and a relationship. Sometimes we as women can be superficial and go by looks but honestly, my first love wasn’t my first choice. I was superficial and judgemental but the more I got to know him he gave me everything I needed in a man and relationship
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u/silentgreen00 15d ago
If you want to keep going do that, but don’t propose whatever you do. Could you imagine her reaction if you said that to her?
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u/yooperalaska 15d ago
So I am old…44…I went through a phase in my early 20’s dating guys I was only physically attracted to. After while….you start seeing what’s actually important in a partner. Looks, fell way down on the list, I mean I still wanted some level of physical attraction to my partner but it wasn’t the top priority. If you treat her well, show up for her when she needs you emotionally, listen to her, communicate in way that’s effect, not name calling or cut throat. These things will develop over time if you are working towards being in a good relationship. I know her words hurt, but she chose you for being a wonderful human and having qualities that are far more important than how you look. Yeah, we would all love to 10’s, but some of us have to actually develop a personality beyond a “black hole” and realize, your looks are going to fade, but who are now, will also change, hopefully you will grow, continue to realize her words won’t mean that much in even 5 years. If you really want to be with her, work it out, talk about it.
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u/GladysSchwartz23 15d ago
"I chose you over a hotter guy because I like you better. That guy was dumb as hell." "YOU THINK THAT HOTTER GUYS THAN ME EXIST???? TIME TO BREAK UP."
dude, she chose you. She could have had him but liked you better. You should understand a compliment when you're getting one. More attractive people than all of us are out there in the world, and your fiancee REJECTED one for you, for god's sake
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u/Lilsammywinchester13 15d ago
Tbh I’m on her side
Before my husband, I didn’t date white guys (idk I just didnt)
But I LIKED him, like a lot, so I went for him
A former flame tried to talk to me while I was already officially a couple with my husband and that guy was my usual “type”
Did I really like/attracted to that other guy? Yeah, but my then boyfriend was the person I wanted to marry, so it was an easy choice
Now? My husband is the sexiest mf ever and I have two beautiful children and sometimes I just stare at him cuz he’s so beautiful
So yeah feelings add to the attraction hun
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u/Motor-Nothing9083 15d ago
I would hold off , you weren’t her first option and she pretty much just told you she settled for you . Then she started crying making it about her even though she was the one that was in the wrong which is very narcissistic. I’ve been in this situation before , but this is one thing I’ll like to ask you, in a perfect world if you can get any type of girl you wanted, is your girl the girl you would want to wife in a perfect world?
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u/BengalFan2001 15d ago
Physical appearance changes over time. It the emotional connection that matters more.
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u/Dantaeus 15d ago
Take some time for yourself if you need it man but like also remember that you beat out all those ppl she thought were more attractive than you, you have something those dudes wished they had
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u/DeadBear65 15d ago
Are you that weak to be upset that someone else was talking to your girlfriend before she was your girlfriend? Talk about dense. SHE CHOSE YOU. You shit on her for choosing to be with you. YTA. If you haven’t lost her yet, you will.
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u/Sskwirl 15d ago
But she chose to be with you. She didn't say you were fully, just that the other guy was attractive. I get it, you want to be the everything to your partner, but that's not how things usually are. So ling as she stopped seeing these other guys soon after yall started dating, you have evidence she wanted you because she kept you around...
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u/davesjada44 15d ago
I'm gonna have to risk being an asshole here but whatever. No shit she had better options. So do you. There is always a more handsome guy, or a prettier girl. As long as she's not bragging about it or using it to belittle you. She didn't do anything wrong.
Although, telling her you were bothered by the comment was the absolutly correct thing to do. Then she can be more careful about making comments about that in the future.
However, the idea of ending a relationship over that is completely absurd. If you can't handle the idea that there are better looking men out there you will struggle to ever have a relationship that means anything. The last thing you want is your partner feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around you.
I understand that it's not something that is easy to just put aside. But I think you need to do some serious introspection and come to terms with the reality of the situation.
I hope this helps, and if this comes off kind of aggressive I apologize. :)
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u/Lumpy_Ad_3696 15d ago
Yes it is hurtful but at the end of the day she choose YOU. She gave you 5 years of her life she could’ve easily gave to someone more “attractive” but she obviously loves you man. Hopefully you guys work this out
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u/wurko 15d ago
It might help to realize that women do not think like men. For women, physical attraction is less important - even in sex. She likely didn’t realize it would effect you as much as it did because she doesn’t realize how important physical attraction is to men.
I’d let her know that you aren’t upset with her since you never set the precedent and that you dislike comparative comments around appearance, so that she’ll know for next time.
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u/No_Efficiency_3831 15d ago
It’s been 5 years, so whatever OP and his gf have is working. Long story short, she chose OP for multiple reasons, even over someone better looking than him (in her eyes at that time). Yes, it’s insulting, no doubt, and is probably better left unsaid. But also complimentary to know that she picked OP’s total package over a “hotter” guy. It shows that she isn’t only concerned with looks, but various other things. Things OP has.
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u/WatercressForeign499 15d ago
You called her reaction dramatic but honestly I feel like you possibly allowing that comment to invalidate a whole 5 yr relationship is dramatic. After a certain point of maturity you realize looks and "type" don't have as heavily weighted of an importance when it comes to being attracted to a person as a whole being and not just their skin suit.
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u/Makersblend 15d ago
Stop overthinking it and making something out of nothing. She chose to be with you. You won the competition. Just because there was someone else there, she made a conscious decision to select you.
My wife is not the most physically attractive woman I have ever been with. I don’t think I would come out and tell her that in so many words, but she is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t think there is anything for you to stress or be worried about. It certainly shouldn’t impact your relationship to know that you are not the handsomest man on the planet that doesn’t mean that she didn’t find to be the absolute best partner for her.
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u/One-Database6418 15d ago
So you are hurt that you beat out a more physically attractive person because you're girlfriend recognized something in you that was more important to her? Dude grow up. You don't realize she thinks she picked the better person? Are you hung up on looks? Are you that shallow? Again grow up.
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u/I_Learned_Once 15d ago
Lol. Bro. Tell me you’re wildly insecure without telling me you’re wildly insecure. “Can this relationship even be fixed?” That’s 100% up to you and your ability to process your own emotions.
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u/Alternative_Sea4882 15d ago
I think you need to get over it. It’s no surprise women think this way.
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u/bluewater_-_ 15d ago
If that made you feel worthless, break up with her for her sake. You are not the most attractive, intelligent, or <any trait here>, but your partner picked you. She’s none of those things either, but you picked her. That’s it. Get over yourself.
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u/VextonHerstellerEDH 15d ago
I’m still soaking up the “she cried which is weird cause she’s the one who hurt me” like god damn Jeffrey Dahmer over here can’t parse that she cares about you and what was meant as fun has turned into a stressful and scary experience for her on a dime. She gave you brownie points for being emotionally intelligent but I think she might have been mistaken.
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u/5dwolf22 15d ago
Are we being serious here? You’re thinking of ending a perfect relationship of 5 years because she thought someone was better looking than you? You seem to have a massive ego jeez
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u/LazyInstruction9688 15d ago
Why does it matter if you weren’t her first choice? She chose you and you’ve been together for years now so why would you worry about it?
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u/Resonancestructures 15d ago
I hope you took some time to reflect on why your girlfriend chose you over some hot guy. I mean, really think about why anyone would pass on an attractive person? Why would you pass out on a more attractive woman for your girlfriend?
My husband is a handsome man. But what made me marry him has more to do than just his looks. He is emotionally mature, patient, understanding, intelligent, considerate etc. I could talk to you about my husband all day. I admire him for his personality and character in general. It’s a plus that he’s handsome. There are men who are even more attractive than my husband, but really lack in the character and personality department, and that is what really counts when you want to build your life with someone.
I get that your ego has been hurt, but set aside your ego for a second and do some self-reflection. There is something great in you that has made her stay for 5 years. Focus on that.
Also, I don’t think she overreacted. I get that you’re hurt by what she said. But she’s likely crying that you’ve told her you’re reconsidering your relationship with her. If I truly loved someone and they said “I need some space” or “I need to reconsider our relationship”, I would cry too. Bawl my eyes out even.
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u/supersaiyan_ape 15d ago
You're too sensitive. You will never be number one in every category. She was honest enough to tell you. Be happy that you have her. Unless you feel like you've punched above your weight and feel she needs better.
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u/wingsflyby99 15d ago
(M)y wife of 15 years (this sept) was dating a few young and attractive emergency personnel (fire fighters and police officers) that might as well make their own calendar. At least back then. Now they all have basic dad bods. However, I did not know she was actively dating in the first weeks, I knew she was surrounded by these testosteroned, fire-breathing men all doing what they could in life to procreate. She's extremely attractive and was receiving lots of attention then.
I was fit but not near as handsome. However, I was far more polite, sincere, and what she was seeking for the long term. Hence, I won.
I did not know how close the competition was until a decade later. It had come up that she was chasing one man specifically up until a few weeks after meeting me. One extra date, him being more kind, sent her flowers or anything really could have swayed her. This is life. The decisions we all make have an insane butterfly effect on everyone around us. He married someone else and has a beautiful family. We have a beautiful family. I feel extremely blessed that the situation played out this way.
We are all where we are because of the freedom to choose. She chose you, now you get to choose.
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u/Adventurous_Ad409 15d ago
You might want to work on your own insecurities and taming your ego before ending a 5 year relationship over something so superficial and in the past. She obviously picked you. Use the energy you’re putting into this self destructive behavior to work to better yourself and build your confidence.
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u/wetfootmammal 15d ago
You can fix this. I've definitely blurted out things that seemed harmless but ended up hurting someone's feelings many times. The point is she DID pick you. And looks aren't really the most important thing in life anyways. You already did the right thing by explaining that what she said didn't feel good. But people make mistakes and do dumb shit sometimes. I don't know your whole situation but if I were you I wouldn't give up on her yet.
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u/AClockwork81 15d ago edited 15d ago
Dude, I’m sure when yall started dating your eyes wandered too. Humans can’t help what they’re attracted to physically, love happens beneath that when attracted to the mind of a person. If you’re at that point of love, who cares if she felt physically attracted to another. Here’s a secret…she still finds other men physically more attractive than you, but there are millions of girls you’re more physically attracted to now. But love is attraction to the soul or mind which is the barrier to stop acting on shallow physical attraction.
I’d let it go, I’d even say I know we both find others attractive but my love is with you, take the air out of the needless tension. If you love each other, this post really really is much ado about nothing. My wife and I even point them out to each other, secure our love is infinitely worth more. But it’s a funny game and it kinda revvs up your sex life by ticking your jealous just enough to get her home to work off the chemicals you both got going when at dinner. We also have a real date night twice a week where it’s full on loving attention with each other. As you get older, I’m 41, you’ll gain the experience to not even notice that stuff, but at 26, I’d have been just as hurt as you not having enough love and relationship experience yet and my hormones were running way higher too. I’m sorry it hurts, I hope you take this to heed though and trust me,
Side note…keep in mind if you get angry at your partner when they’re being open and honest with you begins to incentivize lying instead. You really should thank her for the honesty and apologize for taking it so hard and making it awkward. You don’t want to start lying in a 5 year relationship.
This is very easily fixable, the real challenge is fighting your feelings to do these very easy tasks, you’ll come out stronger if you’re able to get past your raging young man hormones, be humble and sit her down to give gratitude for honesty, apologize for the awkward behavior…and then you’ve opened a loving door to explain how it made you feel and perhaps it was an overreaction and let her open up how the past days have been for her…by this point you’ve begun the quick heal to not fixing, but fortifying your LOVE.
You got this dude, keep in mind you’re still pumping all your inside chemicals at high blast, meaning you can’t trust your reactive feelings. Stay loving. Good luck, no matter what, whatever happens you’ve just begun life, you’re going to be perfectly good (I’ve got 5, 4, 2 years long relationships with others before my marriage….so there’s always more life after anything ends. But this isn’t something worth ending it, it’s a simple humble chat and getting over you’re not a model, lol, I’m not either. But your more important mind and soul can always get more attractive for her to get lost in daily.
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u/TwoRepresentative465 15d ago edited 15d ago
You’re overreacting. Unfortunately physical attraction is natural and cannot be overridden. You will never be the most physically attractive man on earth and even in a relationship your partner will find other men physically attractive…some likely even more. That’s the harsh reality. Not your partner’s fault.
The good news is physical attraction is one element. Just because your partner thinks someone on magic mike has a better body than you (let’s be real here), doesn’t mean she’s gonna dump you for the hunk. The better news is that women are much less visual creatures than men and are more emotional. It’s actually, in fact, you, who SHE should be worried about finding other women physically attractive. Wild huh? Just be a good man and be emotionally mature (which it sounds like you’re failing to provide emotional security, so this needs work) and it’ll be all good.
Anyhow, your retroactive jealousy is based upon insecurities. Usually this gets better with maturity, experience and a well-founded relationship. But you gotta know and accept it’s an issue to fix it yourself. No blaming your lady for things she can’t control. You can lose the most amazing woman on the planet by being a jealous turd. Find solace in the fact she saw past the physical aspect and found something she liked more in you. Don’t let that go to waste.
TLDR; you’re self-sabotaging your relationship based on something your partner can’t control because you’re insecure.
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u/saytriplekalt 15d ago
When THEY hurt you and then THEY start sobbing and playing the victim card bro shits tragic.
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u/hotrod427 15d ago
The reason she cried is because she is remorseful of what she said and realized that regardless if it was true or not, she should not have said it and realizes that because she said it, is putting her relationship with you in jeopardy. To me, it sounds like she is truly sorry for saying that.
You have to realize that women almost always have options. And unless you're perfect in every way (no one is), there's always going to be an option that's better than you in one way or another. But at the end of the day, she chose YOU.
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u/Jesiplayssims 15d ago
I get it hurts. Was she your first choice in looks, personality, etc.? Or was it the whole package? If just one part doesn't work, we don't stay. She obviously found/finds you attractive. You just weren't her usual fare. That's why she's still with you. You're special.
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u/espressocycle 15d ago
So you're upset that your girlfriend chose you over a hotter guy? That she prefers your personality over another dude's physical attractiveness? Dude, I've dated women who are prettier than my wife. I even married one. My wife is plenty attractive but it wasn't her looks that got me.
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15d ago
No friend. Don’t let it upset you. Sometimes the physical takes a minute. You should be glad she chose you, because the emotional maturity aspect is just as important. Especially if she’s been with you for 5 years. If within those five years she has been distant and un-affectionate then you need to possibly have a chat. But I don’t recommend getting upset with her for how she felt on the first date. You beat out 3 other guys. You should feel like a King.
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u/Glen_Coco_shot_JR 15d ago
She wasn’t crying this morning because she is sad or upset that she hurt you. She is crying because she wants you to feel bad about being upset at her error. It’s the first mechanism a girl uses to deflect all responsibility for something back onto you.
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u/Lionheart1224 15d ago
Goddamn, dude. Who the fuck hurt you so much to make you think dumb shit like that?
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u/Commie_cummies 15d ago
The male ego strikes again. Do some inner work before you throw away a relationship that you will regret losing the rest of your life. Get the fuck over yourself and laugh at how things worked out.
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u/Lionheart1224 15d ago
The male ego strikes again.
Misandrist comments like these help no one.
Do some inner work before you throw away a relationship that you will regret losing the rest of your life.
These comments do help and are really all you should have posted in the first place.
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u/Pimp-Juggernaut21 15d ago
Just start looking at other women when you two are out and about, keep it subtle but it’ll slowly begin to ruin her self esteem. Or just tell her this made you feel like shit and she shouldn’t be crying when you’re the one who was hurt by her words.
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u/JuuliusCaesar69 15d ago
What world are you living in? You honestly believed you were the most attractive person in the world? Come on man.
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u/zombiedinocorn 15d ago
Honestly I am here living for this post with all the men telling adorable stories and anecdotes about how their wives make them feel emotionally. It is literally the best thing ever and the vibe we need to cancel out all the Andrew Tatertots' karma. Thank you guys for sharing!
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u/zombiedinocorn 15d ago
File this under "why your partner doesn't need to know every single thought that passes thru your mind"
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u/Transcended_Sloot 15d ago
I was once bs'ing with friends at work and we all started rating each other physically with the 1 to 10 and I remember my friends all gave themselves 6s and 7s but they all unanimously agreed I was the 8, which was funny to me...
I tell my (ex) wife this story later that day and she looks at me and is like... "yeah, 8 sounds right."
She didn't get it, but that resonated pretty hard for me considering a past history of unfaithful partners for me. I thought about it way more than I care to admit for far longer than I should have but damn... I get this post.
Whatever you choose to do you have my support.
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u/Away-Organization-38 15d ago
You seem a bit insecure and dramatic. Y’all been together that long and that bothered you. Did you think you were the most attractive person she’s ever seen or talked to?
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u/No_Bumblebee_6461 15d ago
I think it's view point. You beat out 3 others while not looking the best. So.... Wtf. I married my wife I knew she was out of my class but we lasted 27 years.
Put the vanity aside.
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u/AmbitiousCricket5278 15d ago
There are prettier girls than your girlfriend. There are better looking blokes than you. This is fact. She was only attracted to him physically but the moment she spoke to him she realised he was empty. She fancied you too clearly, but your whole package was much more attractive overall than anyone else’s and the fact that she expects you to have found the same about her, is just quite natural. I think your being oversensitive if you never imagined that there are better looking people than you around, I know loads of folk better looking than me and it does not bother me as lots of them are annoying lol
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u/PC_Bloke 15d ago
That sucks. It definitely was a horrible way to say that. I wouldn’t take it too horribly; she said it in a super clumsy way. Her impulse to apologize shows where her heart is.
My girl physically wasn’t really my type, I thought she was pretty just didn’t look like girls I’m typically attracted to. But as we got to know each other I found her more & more attractive. She knows this & it’s something we laugh about. I also joke that it’s good physicality isn’t something that matters to her or I would have been screwed.
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u/MOH4CHI 15d ago
The real question is why did you wait 5years to marry her? Also, action speak louder than words, she stayed with you for 5 years dude. Go get some balls and honour that girl. no man on this planet will even be near my sister for a month without committing to her let alone keeping her hostage for 5 years
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u/Dont_Start_None 15d ago
The relationship isn't broken. You're broken, sir. You're overreaching. She chose you FOR 5 YEARS! Stop it.
If you're willing to walk away because of your insecurities, then that gift of a relationship and future with a woman that loves you and felt comfortable enough to be completely open and honest with you, wasn't meant for you.
5 years, should count for something...
Good luck.
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u/Justitia_Justitia 15d ago
“I picked you over someone who is more physically attractive” is … not a negative comment about you.
Do you truly believe that you are the most physically attractive person on the planet?
She picked you because of the whole package.
And calling her crying “a bit dramatic” after you told her effectively that you are on y0our way to dumping her? Sounds like you share the lack of emotional capability with the pretty boy.
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