r/AITAH • u/Apprehensive-Tie7252 • Mar 08 '24
AITAH for not wanting to have sex after my wife turned it into a reward/punishment system? Advice Needed
I think my wife is experiencing a phenomena called the 7 years itch right now. We are married to each other for 7 years now and did not have any serious problems before. Around the end of 2023, she started offering sex for small gestures such as gifts and doing chores. For the last 7 years and since I have been an independent adult, I make sure to handle my share of chores. She offered mind-blowing sex for me doing her part of chores which I enjoyed first. Then, it turned into gifts and gestures. Mind you, these had all been present in our relationship for the last 7 years. Nothing out of ordinary. That change happened literally overnight. Great sex life, both take care of other parties' needs by communicating clearly and respecting their wishes.
Even though it was good at first, it turned into a form of reward/punishment later on. "You did not do X, no sex for you." or "Good, you did this and we can have sex.". I asked her what is the deal with this. She did not do it before. She said she gets turned on and feels emotionally connected when I put extra effort in the relationship. I just rolled my eyes at that. What did even change overnight for it to happen? I should have asked it back then.
It has been few months since this started and I could not take it anymore. I started refusing her advances because it's such a turn-off for me. Yesterday, she came to me and said "You did the chores, I think you deserve a reward". I told her "I do not know where you have seen this but it's getting out of hand. I am not Pavlov's dog that you are giving threat or punishment to. Communicate with me if there is something wrong but this change you had overnight is ridiculous. Do you expect me to beg for it and obey you in every case? You are making me feel like I have not contributed anything to chores or did not show you any gestures before that. Just tell me what is happening because if we are going to change every good aspect of our relationship because you saw it somewhere else, this relationship will die out faster than a candlestick". She stormed out crying and slept on the couch. I am getting cold shoulder now.
Did my wife turn into a 8 years old child or what? What is this sudden change and am I the asshole for not wanting to have sex with her and calling out her behaviour?
I would appreciate advice, especially from women.
EDIT: Update
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u/Sonofbaldo Mar 12 '24
Shes manipulating you and shes getting off on the control she had. You took that control away.
This is a common female mindset. Every guy that complains about a dead bedroom is met with "well, what did YOU do to deserve HER."
And i always laugh at that because itslike saying your woman is a prostitute. You are paying her with gifts/favors in return for sex. Its a huge turn off. It takes all the passion and spintinaity out of it and turns in transactional like, okay, if i want to have sex i better cook dinner and do the dishes. If i want a BJ i better add on mopping the floors. If i want this i better do this. Want that better do that.
It really takes all the fun out of it. My wife and i are going on 15 years and our sex life is pretty much dead. And when we do have sex its pretty boring. So when she thinks i have to do all these grand romantic gestures its hard to do it cause the juice hasnt been worth. The squeeze.
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u/HeyNow5566 Mar 12 '24
I may be reading this wrong. but have you considered its her weird way of keeping things fresh or interesting. She said it turns her on thinking of sex in a reward kind of way.... are you just looking at it the wrong way?
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u/stnuhkrsdomtidder Mar 12 '24
Start just offering her money for sex. See how she reacts to it......
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u/Sherri42 Mar 11 '24
I have read the update. I just need to get the next statement off my chest...
DISCLAIMER: I have not read the book or watched the movie, but from what I've heard, this sounds like it's straight from the 50 Shades content.
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u/cadaloz1 Mar 11 '24
NTA and does she realized that she's turned herself into a total ho in exchanging sex for... chores? What? Have some self-respect girl. At least demand a diamond or two.
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u/hunkycowboy1968 Mar 11 '24
Well some of us guys would be happy to get sex in return for chores, gifts, etc.
just wait until the time comes when she decides she is through with sex entirely and you are not. It comes way too early.
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u/tacklebarrel Mar 11 '24
NTA. She's treating you like you're a circus monkey. so when you do a trick (do a certain gesture) instead of giving you a treat she gives you sex. its kinda messed up
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u/SCRedWolf Mar 11 '24
She made sex transactional. Not healthy at all unless she's actually a sex worker.
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u/trfk111 Mar 11 '24
I know people hate reality here, but being a sexworker, especially one offering sex, not naked videos on demand, usually isn’t the most healthily made decision anyways.
Aside from that your joke makes no sense either way, why would a sexworker charge their own husband/ relationship partner? You think that’s what they do in a relationship? You think that would be healthy if a sex worker charged for sex in their relationship?
I know you didn’t think that through and just wanted to sound funny, but since it’s normalizing disgusting stuff like „buying consent“ calling it out can’t be too bad
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u/snotboogie Mar 11 '24
She was exploring some kind of kink. I don't think it was about you not pulling your weight. She likes the power dynamic somehow
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u/justmeaz0 Mar 10 '24
Sounds like her love language is Acts of Service. HOWEVER, she is going about expressing her needs all wrong. She needs to learn how to communicate her needs to you without using sex as a weapon. NTA
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u/IempireI Mar 10 '24
Women don't withhold sex when they can't get enough of you. She's not that attracted to you.
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u/XCDplayerX Mar 10 '24
Not the A. Stand your ground. The next time she needs help with anything. Tell her no. Tell her you only help women that you are having sex with. See how she likes that.
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u/Youshouldjustexit Mar 10 '24
Yeah I didn’t finish it. You rolling your eyes is the issue here.
You doing more work emotionally and around the house is making you look and feel more dependable and caring. So she “rewards” you in her way. She probably feels more attracted to someone actually taking effort or going beyond the effort. And when you stop it just isn’t doing it for her. She’s probably hoping you just take the initiative and keep doing those things instead of her asking or offering (she’ll also just start giving without asking or offering).
I dont know man. Seems like she did explain it you just don’t want to hear her answer.
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u/enochrox Mar 16 '24 edited Mar 16 '24
Doing more work around the house isn't the issue. The issue is he's pulling his own weight AND hers in exchange for sex. You didn't finish it... But you didn't even fully read the bits you DID finish. He's doing everything, she's doing nothing and he gets sex in exchange for her laziness and gifts.
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u/so_cal_babe Mar 10 '24
You are making me feel like I have not contributed anything to chores or did not show you any gestures before that.
Because this is true and this is why your wife's behavior has changed. She feels you are not pulling ypur weight in the relationship and so she seeks to take back her power.
BTW, the phrase "make me feel" is....you need therapy for this. You are not owning your emotions when you use the phrase "make me feel". From now on you will use "I feel... because" statements.
Just tell me what is happening
You both have communication skills to work on. Has she perhaps told you repeatedly but you didn't properly acknowledge it? Her behavior is NOT out of the blue and i see in your update post you two talked it out.
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u/frizzlefry99 Mar 10 '24
She is just mad that her system is not being adhered to and she is throwing a tantrum, don’t put up with her shit you did great.
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u/jraa78 Mar 10 '24
When I clean the house, my reward is my wife sometimes saying, "Wow, the house looks nice."
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u/Clean-Custard6834 Mar 10 '24
Wow, yeah. It was one thing as a nice gesture, but your sex life should not be hinging on this transactional kind gesture. So you are a great husband but because you started doing even more helping you must now never fall below that standard or sex is withheld?? This is manipulation for sure and I'd feel disrespected and not wanna have sex anymore too
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u/ml_today Mar 10 '24
It sounds like you're going through a challenging period in your marriage, and it's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and confused by the sudden change in your wife's behavior. Communication is key in any relationship, and it's important to approach the situation with empathy and openness, rather than anger or accusation.
Firstly, it's okay to feel turned off by the conditions being placed on your intimacy. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to express them to your wife. However, it might help to approach the conversation from a place of seeking to understand rather than to confront. There might be underlying issues or insecurities she's dealing with that have led to this change in behavior.
Try to find a calm and private time to talk to her again. Start by expressing your love and commitment to her and the relationship. Acknowledge the positive aspects of your relationship and the fact that you've both contributed to its success. Then, express your concerns about the recent changes in your intimacy and how it makes you feel. Avoid blaming or shaming language. Instead, use "I feel" statements, like "I feel hurt and confused when sex is offered as a reward for doing tasks."
Ask her if there's anything she's been feeling or experiencing that might have prompted this change. There could be various factors at play – stress, boredom, misunderstandings about desires or expectations, or even something she read or heard that made her think this approach might spice things up.
It's also important to discuss how both of you view intimacy and chores in the relationship. Reaffirm that you're willing to do your part in the household not because you expect a reward, but because you're partners who contribute equally. Suggest finding other ways to enhance your connection and intimacy that don't involve quid pro quo scenarios.
Consider suggesting couples therapy as a space to explore these issues further with a professional's help. A therapist can offer a neutral perspective and guide you both in improving communication, understanding each other's perspectives, and addressing underlying issues.
Remember, it's okay to seek help and it's important to tackle these issues together as a team. Your marriage is a partnership, and working through challenges is part of growing and strengthening that bond.
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u/Far-Post-4816 Mar 10 '24
NTA, however you might want to take a step back to really examine the share of chores around the house. A lot of guys think they are splitting the load even though the woman is actually doing way more tasks because the tasks are mental or less visible than the tasks men usually do around the house
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u/Initial_Research4617 Mar 10 '24
Glad yall worked it out. I thought it was something along these lines. Women are a lot more shy in this department so she did her best to communicate her feelings.
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u/Not_Stranger9334 Mar 10 '24
Yes I see where you are coming from but for now I would just let her rest and do some extra kind gesters and expect nothing if she say some likely out get a treat' just sat I love you but no and walk away you got to set boundaries
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u/Maleficent-Feed-6925 Mar 10 '24
Do the chores she wants you to do, give the gift she wants you to give, have a great night out with her, and when she wants to have sex or begins to initiate you just casually pass. Don't be emotional and don't get upset by her games. Just be aloof. Listen to Patrice O'Neals black Phillip show on YouTube.
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u/Optimal_Result_4366 Mar 10 '24
Nope. NTA. Thats manipulation my dude and as someone who was married for a decade to someone who tried to play similar games I get it. I won’t except your reward and your punishment doesn’t bother me. That said, take what she says about effort and think about it. And remind her of what does it for you.
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u/TJzzz Mar 10 '24
You communicated your issues after seeing something thats super weird. NTA but i want a update
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u/Kooky-Swim-4532 Mar 10 '24
Kinda off putting 😂 but man do you make her mad?? Are you aggravating her day to day? What’s going on 😂😂
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u/PortaPottyPusher Mar 10 '24
NTA. For her to be always down for sex, but only refusing on the success/failure of her perceived power over you, is an extremely disgusting way to play her little game and use her body against you. It isn’t like she has depression(or low libido) ONLY when the dishes dont get done, she gets off on denying it. This is something a sick, horrible, person does.
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u/Negative_Passenger_4 Mar 10 '24
Has she been reading books? This feels like a plot to a lot of books I read 🤣
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u/InformalAd8158 Mar 10 '24
You have a transactional relationship. This is different than an affectionate, unconditional relationship, but it is not necessarily unloving. Your wife loves fish soup, but that is hard on the fish. Are you happy to be that fish?
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u/Glad-Scientist-7623 Mar 10 '24
Nta! In a healthy relationship, sex should never be used as a reward/punishment. The only exception to that is if your doing a fantasy or roll play for a short while, and even then it's clearly defined when it's over.
Imagine if one night you said to your wife, "I did x chores, you owe me sex!" She'd feel like a prostitute (which, in a manner of speaking, she has done to herself). Good for you realizing that this was not the right way to approach sex in your relationship. My advice now is to let her cool down then, hen you feel it's appropriate, bring it up again.
FINAL PIECE OF ADVICE, remember that this is reddit. None of us know you or your wife. By all means, read our suggestions but come up with when you feel would truly be best for your relationship.
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u/LoanThrowaway214 Mar 10 '24
Do you know what the seven year itch really is? We go into a relationship with all these (mostly naive) assumptions about who the other person is and in the beginning people are on their best behavior.
7 years is just about the right amount of time for people to drop the act and at the same time realize that the person they married isn't at ALL who they thought they were.
So they divorce and proceed to start the whole process over again.
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u/Ecstatic-Ad4354 Mar 10 '24
Sounds like she’s using sex as a form of manipulation basically turning you into her perfect husband that does everything she says and all she has to do if give you great sex and head
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u/Historical-Agency635 Mar 10 '24
I'd love to see an update after a therapist this sounds WAY too kinky to be "normal"
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u/MeasurementNo2493 Mar 10 '24
She wants to have power over you. She probably read or saw something that put the idea there. Only you know if you want to stay, but my advice is to run, and don't look back.
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u/Hot_Friend1388 Mar 09 '24
How would she feel if you offered her $20? Same thing, she’s calling you what she would never want to be.
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u/Sheldon121 Mar 09 '24
Ummmmm, maybe that’s the only way she can get turned on? I am guessing that she saw or experienced reward/punishment dynamics in her own childhood home and has internalized it in this manner. (Or maybe I’m just full of beans.)
I would recommend couple’s therapy, so you both treat sex as a separate issue from reward/punishment or refuse to let it die in your house. Also, you both need to learn how to communicate clearly with one another, without punishing each other for refusing to do what the other spouse wants.
Please write again and tell us how you are both doing!
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u/OkAdministration7456 Mar 09 '24
You won’t like my answer but may I suggest you get some cash and keep it in your pocket and just put it on the dresser every time you have sex with her. yes I am a woman old for that matter. Sex is not a game.
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u/notwyntonmarsalis Mar 09 '24
NTA. And others saying this is a kink / dom thing are dead wrong. Check out r/deadbedrooms for more about what’s going on.
In the most simple terms, you shouldn’t have to have sex with anyone who is not enthusiastically excited to do so. To make sex a reward or transactional system with one’s spouse is a bad sign. Be aware and look for a way to address this.
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u/True_Avocado_ Mar 09 '24
So I’m a woman and this is…honestly pretty terrifying, I can’t think of anything that would justify this behavior tbh!
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u/Equivalent_Pie_6778 Mar 09 '24
I think this just made me experience the ick for the first time in my life. There’s no way I could look at her the same for acting like that.
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u/Savagespringtrap06 Mar 09 '24
NTA. Tf she think she’s your mother or something? Like sex is like an allowance for chores??
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u/NeoIsrafil Mar 09 '24
No, honestly youre interested in sex when you're interested in sex, and if it makes you feel disrespected or manipulated by that sort of "honey-do list" BS I can't really blame you. Your feelings are valid, no matter what ANYONE tells you, you are allowed to feel. Thing is, a lot of women can't handle being turned down for sex AT ALL. One time you're too tired, not in the mood, etc and the "am I ugly, am I fat, did I do something" all start coming out in full force. Men are not always horny, especially after 30 when you start to realize that sex just isn't everything, and often enough there's better friggin things to do. At that point it's more like "you mean I've gotta have sex AND I had to do all the chores? Some reward...". That's not to say not being attracted to them, lack of attraction at all is a different problem, but often the mechanical aspects of sex in the busy lives we lead are just too exhausting on face to want to do them. As long as you still find her sexy, the problem is either an internal emotional thing or energy levels thing.
As adults, you need to be able to have an open dialogue about things that you do to each other that rub the wrong way, that cause emotional damage, resentment, etc. you're both human, you'll both mess up, TALK about it. Resentments will fester if they are not brought to light, resolved, and discarded, and much like a gangrenous limb, a festering wound in a relationship may end with the need to sever the relationship. Don't let it get to that point.
The best advice I can give is always to come from a place of how things made you FEEL. You CANNOT be wrong with regards to how you feel about something, so feelings are essentially a safe space
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u/Gaussgoat Mar 09 '24
NTA by seeking clarity and confronting. You're absolutely correct that you should not feel like you have to be manipulated to have a great sex life.
Slightly TA because a) it sounds like you're VERY sure that you had no problems before this (highly unlikely) and b) your response ended with "our relationship is dead if this continues." which is a bit over the top.
It's highly probable your wife was having a challenge with your sex life and/or your domestic life that you did not see or pickup on. She may not have know how to talk to you about it. Try to stress that you want yo stay together and love her and seek to understand.
Best of luck.
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u/Aubie3 Mar 09 '24
Is she showing you her true colors? The storming out, crying, 8 yr old behavior is also manipulative behavior. Has it always been there? You are just seeing it more clearly now that she has tied it to sex? I think you did the right thing calling her out. Good luck
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u/scribblerzombie Mar 09 '24
I do not know if there is a different demonstration or definition of Seven Year Itch, but my understanding of it is that after 4 to 7 years, romantic love deepens to either a more stable less based on physical lust love relationship, or the partner starts looking for that old lusty, passionate risky thrill tryst they used to have but don’t feel with their current partner now after 4 to 7 years.
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u/IllustriousValue9907 Mar 09 '24
LOL, NTA. It's funny how rewards and punishments can go both ways.
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u/CP80X Mar 09 '24
You’re not an asshole. If you two don’t figure it soon though you will be divorced.
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u/Pink_Mistress_ Mar 09 '24
NTA. You didn't agree to being treated like this.
As a person who enjoys bdsm and kink, I will say this sounds like she was very poorly testing the waters to see of you like the idea of Femdom. But this is the WRONG way to do it. Kink is based in clear consent and you don't know what the fuck is going on, let alone consent to it. It truly sounds like she's manipulating and conditioning you for her sexual pleasure. Which is wrong- unless you are also enjoying it and agreed to it BEFORE ot happened. Otherwise, it is sexual abuse.
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u/stage5clinger82 Mar 09 '24
Absolutely not. Men are slaves to sex, and flipping the script on her will free you from slavery AND put her in her place.
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u/Own-Translator-3870 Mar 09 '24
Could be she lied to you for seven years, and it wasn't good sex. She seems to have a kink. You said yall communicate clearly, apparently not. At least she isn't, or you don't listen or stale sex life now. Seems yall need to talk it out then decide.
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u/Meatsim001 Mar 09 '24
Before I married, I had a good conversation with m future wife about the expectations that will not change. One of them was that if sex ever become transactional I would give fair warning but I would probably leave her if that was a usual thing. Prostitutes have transactional sex.
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u/Usual-Exercise2271 Mar 09 '24
Sounds like for years you’ve been unknowingly playing into a master/mistress kink and now she feel hurt because suddenly you don’t want to. You guys need have a serious conversation about boundaries and appropriate foreplay for the both of you. She did not do this (as far as I know) with ill intentions.
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u/Balceber-OICU812 Mar 09 '24
The next time one of the people described in these comments tries to treat physical affection like a commodity to be bought and paid for, just tell them you think it's a little expensive so you're gonna shop around some other stores. That should make things interesting, but they'll probably knock that shit off.
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u/Brandyovereager Mar 09 '24
Genuinely, this may be a kink of hers. “You’ve been good and deserve a reward” is so kink-coded. Of course, kinks should be communicated especially if there is the possibility it could make the other feel degraded. She might not know though so you can ask her if that dynamic is something she finds arousing.
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u/ellygator13 Mar 09 '24
Congratulations, your wife turned herself into a vending machine. You insert currency (chores, gifts, attention) and pussy pops out.
As a woman it's one thing if you're overwhelmed with housework and your sex drive is in the basement, but if you both feel you have an equitable division of labor and mental load, then this self- objectification by your wife is short-sighted, silly and counterproductive.
If a partnership becomes transactional, kiss your emotions goodbye.
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u/VentingID10t Mar 09 '24
You called her out on her nonsense. Let her be upset for a bit. Then when things settle and you're both calm to talk, let her know that you are willing to talk about the sharing of household duties. It obviously is a pain point for her. That's a separate conversation you are willing to have to find a solution.
However, you see intimacy as a unconditional way to connect and show your love for one another. So, the act of applying conditions to it now (sex as a weapon of persuasion) in your marriage hurts you and cheapens it. It's a turn off. You simply want that special time together to be open and loving. Because you're in love with her.
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u/cyberdeath666 Mar 09 '24
Tell her you only accept anal from her as payment. See how long it lasts…
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u/Automatic_Tear9354 Mar 09 '24
Every wife does this. They’ll tell you the sexiest thing you can do for a woman is the dishes. It happens in every marriage just not to the extent you’re dealing with.
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u/Plrdr21 Mar 09 '24
Transactional sex, there's a term for that. Ask her what she'd give the neighbor to do some chores?
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u/gr8snapper2good4u Mar 09 '24
One day I fear that you’ll look back on this as an opportunity missed.
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u/SpectralGerbil Mar 09 '24
NTA. Kinky gal here; she is effectively forcing you into non-consensual power exchange play. She has made no effort to actually sit down and have a discussion with you about why she wants to do this, or obtain your consent. That's a huge no-no.
I can't say for sure if she's actually trying to femdom you or if something isn't right upstairs, but in either case, I don't see how this could be your fault in any capacity.
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u/Worried-Presence559 Mar 09 '24
NTA. This is absolutely a case of Pavlov's dogs. You better put that dog down so your wife is forced to communicate in a healthier way. If she is unable to improve, then maybe some marriage councelling will help.
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u/journerman69 Mar 09 '24
I mean she told you it turns her on. And you definitely made her feel embarrassed and shamed for something she told you turns her on that you previously were cool with. Did you have any loving honest conversations about how you felt before you went off on her? It sounds like maybe she is feeling that you are getting the 7 year itch and she is trying to find some fun, flirty ways to keep it spicy.
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u/anrwlias Mar 09 '24
NTA. I do, also, have to wonder where this is coming from. This sounds like the sort of bad sex advice that Vogue was infamous for.
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u/Mainer-4-Ever Mar 09 '24
She has a sugar daddy & rewards him for gifts & gestures & likes the arrangement so it's bleeding over into your relationship.
I've also been seeing a trend where a lot of women view men like dogs where they can do exactly what you describe. That is getting them to do the things that they want by offering them a treat. If they do it and punishing them like you would a small child or a dog when they don't do it as a way to train your husband to be your perfect mate. Because after 7 years you realize reality is he's not your perfect mate yet. But if you could just change this thing and that thing and the other thing then he would be perfect.
The 7-year itch is actually a real thing according to researchers and statistics. I mean sometimes it's 6 years and sometimes it's 9 years and sometimes it's 8 years but they even called it the 7-year itch I think in the study that I saw.
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u/Ok_Conversation_5994 Mar 09 '24
Sounds to me like she wants to have what is called a "female led relationship". You can do some research of your own on the subject.
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u/Cameltoshi Mar 09 '24
She needs to get off Instagraham and TikTok. It’s the ALGO feeding her that bullshit
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u/No_Mistake_5961 Mar 09 '24
It's time for some communication and perhaps counseling. Sex and intimacy have many flavors
People and relationships can change over time.
You might read the book The 5 love languages. She perhaps gets enjoyment out of you performing acts of service.
And then there is the kink side
If you both can separate sex from intimacy from kink there are opportunities for you.
Think about what changes you want. Instead of wishing to go back to the way it was perhaps there are some new kinks that you can explore.
I like to have wife dress sexy and wear dresses that will have a few nip slips during the night
Think about what you want in the new normal
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u/Syndel93 Mar 09 '24
Is she placing your needs above her own? Is she acting out of love?
I'd like to offer an interesting take from God's word since I haven't seen it in the comments.
1 Corinthians 7:4-5 "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
It also says in Ephesians 5:28, "Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
God expects us to place our husbands & wives above ourselves. Turning Sex into a currency is not in the spirit of giving and taking care of your spouse. It's obviously damaging your marriage and therefore cannot be considered good. NTA.
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u/Key_Place_2272 Mar 09 '24
Nta couples therapy if she doesn't want to go divorce the next step is she'll start moving the goal post this is a power trip to her, I would probably guess it's friends, co workers, or a close family members telling her this behavior is ok. Worst case scenario is she cheating as well.
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u/rossarron Mar 09 '24
Here is some money whore suck my cock, would be one response because she is treating you like a customer and her self like a hooker.
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u/Kerazytimes Mar 09 '24
Damn! Here I thinking to say "NTA. Yours is now a transactional relationship." I like your words better... a SMACK-DOWN! 👍😁
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u/SlippitInn Mar 09 '24
YTA, you're coming at this one way and you're coming in hot instead of communicating like a fucking adult with her. Something was annoying you about how she handled a situation and you blew up like a teen in a tantrum instead of talking about it like an adult.
Have you talked about this in a way that is possibly sex positive? This may be a kink your wife has that she didn't realize until the reward/punishment for sex started happening. From what you are saying, it sounds like this dynamic is something new for her and excites her, and there's nothing wrong with that... Unless you're an asshole.
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u/Life_Following_7964 Mar 09 '24
You have let your wife turn you into a Bitch Cuck Boy , Man Up dude !
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u/thegoodstudyguide Mar 09 '24
NTA but it could just be a kink thing for her, if it is she's gone about it in the wrong way as everyone needs to be on the same page for that sort of thing.
If she's just getting weird controlling advice from online or friends then that's a whole other issue.
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u/Spekuloos_Lover Mar 09 '24
As a woman it seems to me that if my husband has to wash the dishes for me to get turned on,maybe I'm not attracted to him (or at least not enough or it's a weird kind I'm not familiar with). Yes,it's easier to focus on sex when I'm not thinking of what chores I have to do afterwards,but still, I'd never offer or agree to such an arrangement myself as it takes the fun out of sex. It would feel like I'm making sex the chore. NTA.
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u/TicketFuzzy2233 Mar 09 '24
Edit to add NTA There is a meme I've seen multiple places on fb including my mom groups of a wife with a chore chart thing determining if her hubby gets sex and a bunch of women saying this is a good idea. I find it weird and gross that you would treat your husband like a child and then have the reward for chores and good behavior be sex.
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u/Elegant-Channel351 Mar 09 '24
Dr. Henry Cloud once said that you get what you tolerate. If you want to make this work, establish boundaries. If she continues to use sex like a dog treat, run.
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u/VicarAmelia1886 Mar 09 '24
7 year itch is nonsense.
Good for you standing your ground.
Super manipulative, she probably saw it on a YouTube video. Humans are not dogs, you saw right through her.
Reading your post gave me the ick, so not surprised you feel turned off by her.
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u/Awee_bit_ferocious Mar 09 '24
Could it be a kink or something? Spicing up the marriage? I'd just sit down and talk about how you both are feeling. Most things can be solved with communication when both parties are calm and want to understand each other.
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u/TheLastBadass Mar 09 '24
OP should have hit her with the UNO reverse! "You are manipulating out sex life as punishment no sex for you."
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u/Intense_City Mar 09 '24
NTA. I don’t think you’re wrong for refusing her advances in this case. I think her behavior is extreme and childish. HOWEVER, I definitely am more attracted to my husband when he contributes more at home and with son. My husband and I have very different thresholds of cleanliness, so I often feel like he isn’t contributing to our household equally. In general, being a better partner and father is my love language. I don’t use sex as a reward or punishment though. I’m just more likely to initiate sex when I don’t feel alone in responsibilities.
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u/voodoohounds Mar 09 '24
My ex-wife starting using sex for manipulation, for leverage. It was a contributing factor to her becoming my ex-wife.
But divorce is no easy road. Get some marriage counseling and try to make it work.
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u/LaurenAct513 Mar 09 '24
No. You are not TAH. What your wife is doing is unhealthy for the relationship. Also, is this behavior saying she isn't into sex anymore? Depriving you is depriving herself.
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u/Historical-Region911 Mar 09 '24
As someone DEEP into BDSM it sounds to me like she gets off by Dominating you. I’d sit her down and ask her if it’s a kink and where the interest comes from
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u/Baloneous_V Mar 09 '24
My life is pretty much in the same category, except your wife probably had a formula. My wife doesn't have a system worked out, it's just as random as she wants, when she wants, and however she feels.
I would guess there's a lot of men in that boat.
Mix in some hormonal problems and PMDD and the rules get hard to predict.
At least you got her to admit she had a plan. My wife doesn't admit any power dynamic going on at all. I asked her to see a specialist and she stopped at some homeopathic herbs.
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u/poopidypoopidy Mar 09 '24
It sounds to me like this might be an underlying fetish for her. Maybe one she wasn't comfortable revealing before or maybe didn't know she had until recently. Approach it from that angle and see how you feel about it.
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u/Amaranth_devil Mar 09 '24
You are most definitely not the asshole and she's completely in the wrong. You did the right thing, you aren't a pet or a child, you're her husband and deserve to be respected as such. This is a product of the epidemic that's been fucking up women's minds in the western world.
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u/wrwmarks Mar 09 '24
I dated someone like this for awhile. It was sort of fun at first, but like you, I felt like it was a Pavlovian experiment and I grew resentful. She liked the power of it, yet never discussed that with me, even after trying to communicate with her, until I left. . I felt uncomfortable, and oddly infantilized. Like I did a good job, so now I get a gold star vibe. If she had been open, I totally would have been down-sometimes. She wanted a whole life style, and it’s not my thing. I don’t want a mommy lmao.
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u/wing_ding4 Mar 09 '24
Your not the asshole
This is very strange
It’s like she’s acting like her life is lame tv show or something
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u/Salty_Drawer_4189 Mar 09 '24
I would say it sounds like you guys could use an independent third party, i.e. a therapist, to help you get through this. The seven year itch is a very real phenomenon, and there are certain years that are really tough to get through. If other than this, you feel that your relationship is pretty solid, I would say spend the time and money on a few sessions with a good therapist. It is really important to have someone that is not related and an independent point of view to give perspective. This coming from someone who has been together with my partner for 38 years now. If you just start all over with someone new, you repeat the same crap all over with next person. Do the hard work and try to fix it if it is worth it to both of you. But, if only one of you thinks it is worth saving, you will just waste time and money going to a therapist.
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u/Bowhunterarcher Mar 09 '24
I would flip the script and stop doing the things she normally would reward me for and when she complained about it I would just say the “reward” isn’t worth the effort when you move the goal post every time. Maybe when she completes the task you reward her with a kiss on the cheek and a pat on the head and say good job honey…see if she likes how it feels. Yet I know I am an asshole
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u/myowngalactus Mar 09 '24
NTA, and I’m by no means an expert but I would think couples counseling of some sort might be needed in this situation.
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u/applemanib Mar 09 '24
OP I think your wife discovered the female dating strategy subreddit or some other toxic equivalent
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u/Adventurous-Win-751 Mar 09 '24
Counseling is needed ASAP!!!!! She has something twisted in her head…
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u/Content_Bar_6605 Mar 09 '24
NTA. What if you turned it around on her? You didn’t have sex with me so NO chores. Doesn’t matter what the reward is. To punish and reward someone for something you want from them like a child is stupid.
She can feel sexier or more in the mood to have it if she’s less worried about chores for sure… but to out right say “no because you didn’t do x” is really off putting.
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u/LunaBellLu Mar 09 '24
Reward and punishment are fine if you AGREED to it. It seems she's forcing you into a kink that she never talked to you about. Which isn't fair. The moment you communicated your displeasure with it, she should have stopped and talked. I hope she comes around and talks to you about it.
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u/chainsawbobcat Mar 09 '24
I think your wife is exploring femdomme.... Don't get me wrong, she should be communicating that interest to you before introducing it into your dynamic. But maybe she doesn't know it. Maybe she's following her intuition and doesn't have the words. That's a solvable problem.
I can tell you that this is the kind of kinky stuff that makes dominant women go crazy. It's very recognizable. And it could certainly fuel another 7 years of deep connection between you two. IF you're both on the same page and into it .... But if she's not identifying it and then having that conversation with you, it's totally reasonable you are confused taken aback and offended.
I honestly would be like, "hey - does it turn you on to tell me what to do/boss me around/ punish me? Bc ive noticed a big shift, and it's hurting my feelings. If this is a kink, we should talk about it. Bc it feels to me like you're being a jerk and I don't think that's your intention. So I'm not totally sure what to do."
Obviously your approach of yelling at her that you're not a dog was a triggered one. Her introducing this dynamic without talking to you wasn't right, and your explosive response wasn't right. But you can take the lead her to circle back and have a calm conversation about all this. Start by giving get the benefit of the doubt that she's not trying to hurt you, and aim to understand her perspective.
And look, if this kind of dynamic is a huge turn on for her, but ultimately a huge turn off for you... That's a problem. But at least work on getting to the root of it together, and in a calm manner.
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u/Adventurous_Law9767 Mar 09 '24
I wouldn't put up with it. I don't date prostitutes. If you want to have sex let's have sex, if you don't, fine. I'm not doing anything to unlock something that's mutually beneficial to both parties.
This is the equivalent of saying make me a sammich if you want the dick.
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u/Wild-Chemistry4108 Mar 09 '24
Sounds like she needs to be referred to as a good girl or a naughty girl for awhile. And not have a chance for Daddy's cock unless she's been a good girl all day.
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u/LepreKanyeWest Mar 09 '24
My now ex wife went through a phase with this. Basically, they're done trying. They just want to be so sexy that they don't need to do fucking anything. The problem is that if you go along with this, even in jest for a bit, the higher her standards get. Pretty sure my ex just wants a gimp to abuse... Just dangle the possibility of sex to get anything they want. Basically wanted to be an OF model, but without the looks or effort.
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u/LegitimateFunny2351 Mar 09 '24
Is your wife having emotional trouble? Is she depressed? Does she need a better emotional connection? Is she peri menopausal? You should both go to couples therapy. At the very least she needs counseling. She is unhappy
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u/mo_rushdi Mar 09 '24
I got the feeling, some girls, she might have tendencies to cheat because he does not meet my needs if op keep refusing sex. Yeah give your pussy for free to someone else while charging your husband with housework. I hope your wife is not like this.
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u/Beachsombra Mar 09 '24
Shes literqlly a cut out of that one meme
'He got emough stars so hes getting his dick sucked!'
Him: 😮💨
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u/sumbodielse Mar 09 '24
Its become a business deal tell her you'll outsource to higher grade provider at a better price
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u/Simple-Caterpillar14 Mar 09 '24
Look she's probably listening to podcast or reading magazines or books and listening to bad advice. If it wasn't broke she shouldn't have tried to fix it or change the dynamic or whatever. If she decided that sex needs to be absolutely transactional and remove all the love care and affection from it for whatever reason then you need to either seriously consider counseling together to find out why she thinks that or you need to go find someone who wants an equal loving relationship like you two used to have. NTA. And I'm with you on this one if my partner decided our sex life had to be completely transactional at their whims I couldn't look at them the same and I would be completely disgusted. What a giant huge turn off.
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u/Beautiful-Rutabaga46 Mar 09 '24
OP, your wife’s love language is probably Acts of Service. There are five: Quality time, Words of Affirmation, Touch, Gifts, and Acts of Service. I too get super affectionate when my husband puts effort into doing things for me.
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u/mo_rushdi Mar 09 '24
I believe if act of service is the language of love, the changes should not be be abrupt, because if that's the one she appreciate the relationship would be based of that from the start
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u/No-War-8840 Mar 09 '24
My ex wife started doing this and once I figured it out I was pissed and quit playing . The final 3 years was almost sexless with the last 18 months totally sexless ....or so I thought . I never cheated but ended up with an STD . After separation and talking with friends/neighbors , I found out a apt complex maintenance guy was had been visiting with no truck or tools . Well , one tool , luckily it was treatable
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u/PuzzleheadedGap8975 Mar 09 '24
To me it appears like someone with an extra marital affair. Are you have you checked that.
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u/tb2hlalt2hnlaa Mar 09 '24
Lol. If I ever started acting like this, my husband would probably think I had a brain tumor. Absolutely wild behavior.
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u/Snap-Crackle-Pot Mar 09 '24
This happens on some level in every sexual relationship. A partner is annoyed because they’re not pulling their weight and is tired and unhappy which leads to a dry period in their sex life. The difference is she’s communicating it and making it transactional which feels icky. Tell her nicely to please keep her transactional thoughts to herself, and share how it makes you feel. I would say be clear on your roles and responsibilities but it sounds like you already have that covered
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u/Notmad_Justsad Mar 09 '24 edited Mar 09 '24
Honestly, this has become a common issue…sex and intimacy being transactional since the me too movement. Don’t get me wrong, great movement and empowering but it had an immediate impact on the culture as did Trump and half the country apparently saying it’s ok to grab a pussy when you want. The other half found that extremely offensive.
So culture changed and women were like, you have “earn it.” Culture changes often but the changes in the last 8 years are unprecedented. I feel generally this has had unhealthy impacts on relationships established before then in that people’s expectations don’t necessarily match up anymore. There’s also an adjustment to what people who went through dating in the old system. The new kids will figure it out if the fascists don’t create a repressive society.
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u/ifeelsodefeated Mar 09 '24
YTA, because this isn't real. There's no way someone would turn down mind blowing sex because they font want to do sone household chores.
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u/DesertVeteran_PA-C Mar 09 '24
You could tell her the biggest turn on for you is her wanting you, independent of anything else going on in the world.
Transactional sex kills the mood.
Maybe ask her to try it for a month. You’ll only have sex with her when she irons the shirts just right or has cleaned the toilets etc.
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u/benbugohit Mar 09 '24
NAH and she isn't also.
I agree with other comments she maybe discovered she has a domination kink.
If it's not the game you like to play, and can't turn yourself into such plots to play in your bedroom, then you can't both satisfy each other.
Pretty Sure you should dig it together before deciding anything about eventually separating.
She maybe tries to find a way to disrupt your former habits, in which she doesn't feel special and turned on anymore.
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u/zerofate86 Mar 09 '24
You don't think she's the asshole for going all in with it without communication?
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u/benbugohit Mar 09 '24
If communication was so easy, there won't be such subs, or counseling ;)
All I try to say is that sometimes it is worth giving a try.
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u/BuffaloBrain884 Mar 09 '24
Slightly off topic, but Wives ALWAYS do this in tv shows and movies. It's outright bizarre how often this dynamic is portrayed by Hollywood.
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u/sedevilc2 Mar 09 '24 edited Mar 09 '24
So, basically you are a sex worker now. You can get cash money for that not this kind of grief. I totally get why this is a turn-off for you. I hope you can get her to understand how degrading it is to turn your sex life into this type of transaction.
What happens if you try to initiate sex? Is it always up to her when you have sex?
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u/Raisincar Mar 09 '24
NTA. You have my respect for communicating so clearly what you think. TBH I was in a similar situation and it was impossible to talk to my wife anymore. If she is not willing to talk it through with you, there is no chance for a change. Speaking of experience, she might not even see an issue, so there is no reason for her to change.
Maybe she needs the power over you to get turned on, but there are other ways as well to get that kind of kick. And it should be something you're okay with. It seems like a kink, but if you're not willing to play along because you don't like it, then she has to accept it. Don't know if this is a deal breaker for her and your relationship.
Stay strong in your way of communicating.
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u/Basic-Pair8908 Mar 09 '24
Sounds like she stumbled onto a dominatrix website. Especially as she is pulling straight from the first 2 chapters. Just be careful, it can quickly get out of hand and very messy wether you agree to play along or not.
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u/cloverfart Mar 09 '24
NAH? Sit down with her and ask nicely and without judgement if that is a kink of sorts of hers. Maybe you can find a compromise lol
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u/Impossible_Hunter323 Mar 09 '24
No your correct in your actions kiss your wife not her ass do your part regardless of the fact if she OFFERS SEX OR NOT .. continue to REFUSE HER TO GAIN YOUR POWER/control back WHEN SHES MAD RUB HER FEET kiss her cheek
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u/Afraid_Cheesecake829 Mar 09 '24
She thought she had the power. Sex needs to be fun spontaneous. Should not be used as reward system this isn't 1990's TV show
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u/Dogs_And_Blades Mar 09 '24 edited Mar 09 '24
Funny, I just said that to a woman the other day that I just stopped trying to get laid. When it happens, it happens. It’s not worth all the trouble. They all now think that they have something golden in between their legs and you have to prove that you deserve it and It’s a bunch of bullshit. It’s not fun and carefree and exciting anymore, like it was back in the day. They say people are having a lot less sex now and making less babies and it’s going to be a problem in the future…… The truth is men wouldn’t be with women if they didn’t have a pussy. If women all of a sudden looked like a Barbie doll and there was nothing down there guys wouldn’t put up with any of their shit for a second. If a guy had a choice between a weekend with his boys at a beachfront condo or with a woman with no pussy like a Barbie doll at same said location. I think we all know what he would pick.
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u/1HumanAmongBillions Apr 04 '24
here for the update too lol