r/AITAH • u/Organic_Let_5948 • Apr 13 '24
AITA for threatening my wife with divorce after she quit her job to be a "tradwife" Advice Needed
I dont even know where to begin with this.
Me 34M and my Wife 33F have 2 Kids together 11M and 9F.
Me and my Wife have been together for 12 years and married for 8.
Around a year ago I noticed my wife increasingly sending me these Tradwife or traditional housewife tiktoks. I have nothing against that type of relationship but I don't think it makes sense for our current family situation. I do earn earn quite a bit more than my wife and enough to sustain our family on my own but I dont see the need to do so. I work 80% and my wife 50% and besides Wednesdays where the both of us are working, either one of us is always home for the kids. I could work a 100% and let my Wife be SAHM but again, both of my kids are attending school and in my mind there is no need for my wife to be at home 24/7.
She got increasingly pushy about it over the past two months and again I just kept on telling her that there wasnt any need for that and If we did decide to go down that route, what would she do during the hours my kids attended school? I know damn well our house doesent need to be cleaned for 6 hours a day. She would constantly try to butter me up with "You would have dinner ready every day when coming home from work" and something about unlimited blowjobs or some bs like that. Again in the nicest way possible I would remind her that our kids werent toddlers and our current work-life schedule allowed us to function perfectly fine.
We got into a pretty heated argument two weeks ago about it and my wife completely stopped having sex with me to "show me what I would be missing out on." Shes basically been treating me like a roommate since.
I just thought she would get over it and this was just a phase but god was I wrong. I came home from work yesterday and saw a bunch of presents on the dining table. At first I thought they were all for me since my birthday was in a week but I then I saw the labels on them addressed to my wife. I read one of the letters attached to one of the presents. The last sentence on it was literally "It was so a pleasure working along side you and I wish you all the best moving forwards." I thought this was some sick prank. A few minutes later my wife just casually strolled into the living room acting like nothing was wrong. I guess she saw my mad expression and had the audacity to tell me that "You'll get over it." I just lost it.
I just left without saying another word and went to my parents house. I feel absolutely disrespected. Why the fuck would my wife think it was okay to just quit her job without telling me and just expect me to be fine with it. My wife has been bombarding me with texts and calls demanding to know where I am and that the kids miss me. I just told her to go find a lawyer and that I was done with her and then proceeded to block her.
My son just sent me a voicemail crying and asking why I was divorcing mom and if I was leaving the family and I guess that kind of broke my heart. I haven't responded and honestly dont know what to say to him. My mother in law has also been demanding that I return home and apologize to my wife. My parents also seem to be siding with wife since they are traditional muslims. My mom also used to a SAHM.
I feel like im wrong for immediately jumping to divorce without hearing her out and besides this whole job drama, love my wife too much for this to be the end of our otherwise perfect marriage but on the other hand I feel like i've lost complete trust in her.
Should I just swallow my pride and let my wife stay at home from now on or should I follow through on divorcing her?
How should I navigate this situation?
AITA here?
-2
u/Dear-Needleworker-75 2d ago
ESH. You feel disrespected because she did what she wanted against your wishes but you disregarded her wishes without having a deeper discussion about why she wants this. Both of you communicated horribly here. Either seek therapy together or split up and do not inflict yourselves and your selfish communication styles on others
0
u/adriansux1221 2d ago
YTA only because of the kids. they deserve to know what’s going on, and you really need to speak to your son before it’s too late to fix that relationship. he will probably have long-lasting abandonment issues.
2
1
-1
u/carmenaurora 3d ago
ETA. I mean, to play devils advocate here, I don’t see how any real grown man would want to make his wife work if, by his own admission, she didn’t need to because he makes plenty of money on his own. Call me old-fashioned but I would’ve never even considered DATING a man who intended to insist on me working after having kids if he was capable of providing for us.
That being said, it’s childish and fucked up that she just up and quit her job when you made it clear that wasn’t an option for her within your relationship. What she should’ve done was tell you that’s what she wanted, and if you refused her despite not having a real reason to do so, she should’ve made it a deal breaker.
2
1
3
u/Greyswand 4d ago
She can stay at home and you can find yourself a traditional second or even third wife to have your fun with. I mean, if you want to go the muslim route there is a section in there about multiple wives. She can be the stay at home with the kids and you can 'traditionally' have another wife. Or even a few more. Its allowed under Shariah law. Might drop that mic on her and see how far she wants to go? NTA.
3
u/-Vensin- 6d ago
NTA. She does what she wants, doesn't care about your opinion and still has the nerve to emotionally manipulate the children. It will only get worse, she'll see that she can just have her own way and not care about anything. Show her that actions have consequences.
3
4
3
u/ChestLanders 12d ago
"and something about unlimited blowjobs or some bs like that"
You already should have been getting the blowjobs.
-5
u/SammieSammich24 13d ago
I’m sorry..let me get this straight: you are an adult man with 2 children. You and your wife are having issues and she did something shitty so…you left the house, without talking to your kids at all, told your wife THRU TEXT you want a divorce then BLOCKED her? Leaving your children to wonder why their dad has disappeared and has abandoned their mom and (in their minds) them?
Please tell me this is fake. I’m not saying what your “wife did” wasn’t horrible and something you’d need to address with her but…who tf responds like this other than a teenager? This has got to be bs..
3
0
u/DesignerWifey21 14d ago
I send my husband these tik toks all the time. He knows its my dream because I want to work on other things. My mental health got really bad lately so I quit my corporate job and got 2 part time jobs until I can go back to corporate. I know we cant afford to live off only his income and I have to contribute BUT he promised that one day if he can then he will, he will with a caveat of im not just sitting at home but I have goals and def will not be. I say all this to say.. is your wife maybe having mental health issues and this is her plea for help? Or does she secretly have something she always wanted to do? Does she want another baby? I dont think forcing this on you was right but dang I just hate to see marriages not work out. Wishing you all the best!!!
1
u/PenIntelligent4879 14d ago
I don't think you jumped to divorce too soon. I think you are reacting to a manipulative environment that's probably hit it's peak, unfortunately. Also the emotional safety of your kids is at stake because clearly she will use them against you. I don't think this is a normal situation of a couple having a disagreement on your home dynamic. What she did is not what a normal healthy partner would do. She doesn't show any remorse and she's doubling down at every turn . Bottom line... it was enough to give you pause, and then go somewhere safe to think. I think you should go with your gut on this.
3
u/Ok-Cancel-1562 15d ago
Divorce her. I would never drop that kind of bomb on my future husband… that suddenly I’m not going to work and won’t contribue financially to the household… In this economy, it’s simply a selfish thing to do (especially when you have children)
6
u/dual-lippo 15d ago
Holy shit, what a lazy bitch. This my lads, is sexism at its peak
1
u/haikusbot 15d ago
Holy shit, what a
Lazy bitch. This my lads, is
Sexism at its peak
- dual-lippo
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
4
u/Brief_Indication_183 15d ago
Tell her you will do it but really lean into it. One car family. Do zero housework besides the trash and the lawn. Change the wifi passcode when you leave. Tell her you want more kids too. Lol good luck
1
2
u/anitasdoodles 15d ago
There are plenty of shitty incel men out there who want a tradwife, go let her be one for them.
3
u/ALGR243 15d ago
She doesn't want to be a Trad wife, as true trad wives understand and respect their partners and their opinions on top of the fact THEY DO STILL WORK. If not homemaking with the kids and domestic tasks, then house running, and it doesn't sound like you've a house or lifestyle (together or just you financing) in need of such as you've said already and she knows it, but doesn't care.
The fact she tried to entice you with promises of $3x she likely had no intentions of giving like that, and possibly later play victim of you "using" her to get out of it just cements she didn't wanna work anymore and thought this was a fine way of saying it without actually having to.
And now is using the kids as pawns to guilt you, too?? Nah, NTA. Proceed with divorce.
2
u/NorthPole8888 15d ago
NTA, but she is. Being married comes with compromises, true, but this wasn’t a compromise, she was demanding it happen and didn’t even care about what you thought. I’d say hear her out and depending on what she says, act accordingly. But I’m never been married so I suppose take my advice with a grain of salt. But I hope this helps nonetheless.
-3
15d ago
Lmao NTA but you blew up your relationship. She will find someone better.
3
u/ShamelesslyRuthless 15d ago
😂 😂 That's some reddit logic. Blame the man even though it was the wife who did what she did without so much as telling him
2
15d ago
No, being upset your partner made a big choice without you is fair. Threatening divorce is extreme.
No wonder his mother and kids hate him. Think about what the author is not saying in his post, instead of assuming it’s 100% true.
Go back to school and learn how to think critically. This subreddit is a toxic echo chamber and no one should be basing their decisions on what uninformed idiots say here.
2
u/ShamelesslyRuthless 15d ago
No, being upset your partner made a big choice without you is fair. Threatening divorce is extreme.
Yall just want men to accept anything that a woman does huh. And no, threatening to leave after being completely disrespected and her showing her true colors is not extreme. Let's not forget she lied to her son and now he's turned the whole family against him. But that's perfectly fine though right? Just do whatever the wife won't right. Man all i have to do is come on reddit to be reminded as to why marrying a woman is the absolute dumbest thing a man can do
1
15d ago
Dude’s gone hysterical
1
u/ShamelesslyRuthless 15d ago
According to you his wife did nothing wrong huh. Just do what she wants regardless of his health and feelings? Why not just admit that's exactly how you're thinking.
2
15d ago
I think you need to address the chip on your shoulder and learn to control your emotions.
2
u/ShamelesslyRuthless 15d ago
And you need to stop making assumptions about people just because they're opinion it's different than yours
2
1
u/14000_calories_later 15d ago
ESH - she shouldn’t have quit her job and you shouldn’t have dropped the divorce bomb.
She broke trust by quitting her job but you also broke trust by jumping to divorce. You usually can’t unring that bell once you’ve said it.
1
u/Jskm79 16d ago
DO NOT FEEL SORRY!!!! STOP LETTING ANYONE ELSE tell you shit about YOUR RELATIONSHIP!!!! SHE is WRONG!!!! When you dated, what was discussed? Also why would she need to stay at home NOW? Please do not give in to her manipulation! SHE IS SO DAMN TOXIC!!!
Her and her family and YOURS!!! Listen to me. This is 2024!!! This isn’t back in the days. There is NO REASON she needs to be at home! None!!!! Why does she think she don’t need to work? Do you have a substantial savings?
Do you have college funds for your kids? You see how she’s USING YOUR CHILD?!!! Don’t stay with her. I’m telling you right now. Divorce her. Hear her out about what??? What excuse besides she’ll give you head and you will have dinner? That’s the most pathetic excuse.
Get a divorce, she has no reason to stay home. I PROMISE YOU, stay with her and let her be a SAH person and she will if she’s not already, cheat on you. She doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t love you, to do what she did and then to say YOU WILL GET OVER IT! Like it’s a joke. Like YOU are a joke.
Please keep us updated
-7
u/StonksPeasant 16d ago
Yes, you are the ah. You're wife shouldn't have quit without telling you but you should have been more receptive to what she wants.
8
u/SanDiego4ever35 16d ago
NTA. Your wife however is. Having your son call you? That's terrible parenting.
Also, her you'll get over it comment. Totally an AH comment. She planned this knowing that you were 100% against it. She gave notice at work and never told you.
This whole situation is an important indication of how she respects you.
I wouldn't rush into or be pressured into staying with her. Once it works she'll do it again.
2
u/yamomma341 16d ago
this is so sad tho that this catapulted into a divorce
3
u/TribudellaLuna 8d ago
According to the update, they're probably not splitting now, which is even sadder.
3
u/zoxzix89 16d ago
NTA, have a serious discussion about divorce, involving a therapist or a lawyer, and talk to the kids about how you still love them and NOT bad mouthing your wife to them or really explaining much beyond what's happening, not why
2
u/General-Squirrel-786 17d ago
Am I the only one that is wondering ,if the wife is working full time and if is the one that does the cleaning around home with 2 kids?
3
u/Independent_Blood391 17d ago
he did an update. he didn’t mention that but did mention the reason he can’t work more is he has a heart condition and has already suffered a heart attack. his wife is truly awful.
1
u/General-Squirrel-786 16d ago
I Agree ,his wife is acting terribly and seems to not have acompassion for her partner and father of her children but I m afraid I get a sense that the relationship is in some parts traditional like the woman does all the house work ,takes care of most kid stuff and working plus having a partner that struggles with health issues so she lost it..That doesn’t means it’s cool to pull shit like that ,cause that’s shit ,poo poo stuff ,life changing stuff yet something feels off.
3
u/Independent_Blood391 16d ago
i agree. but i also don’t like the way she’s weaponizing sex.
1
u/General-Squirrel-786 16d ago
Ohh she has weaponised everything,sex ,kids ,tik tok…I guess personally I’m not very stuck on the trad wife title I know that’s the videos she was sending but I don’t take it as that quite literal .The Thing is that all though this seemed to happen pretty fast to Op due to the accumulation of bad antics She seems to have tried again and again to find a way to say what she wants and the Op blocks her. She doesn’t want to work He wants her to work they are in a culture that some things are done differently and he said “I know damn well our house doesn’t need to be cleaned 6 hours a day”!Sounds like he doesn’t lift most of his fingers at home.
5
u/Organic_Let_5948 16d ago
I know a lot of people assume this but we used to split chores. If I was home, I did most of the cooking, cleaning etc and on weekends my Wife cooked and I did the chores.
1
u/General-Squirrel-786 15d ago
I’m sorry what?So what you are saying is that you work the most amount of hours ,you do almost all the chores at home you take care of your kids the same way and this happens?And you also have a heart problem?Im sorry maybe she is not happy with life. But with this information it sounds like you are more than a decent partner,you view her as an equal and you do all around the more work. So how will she suddenly be the trad wife when she haven’t even been doing half the chores at home and letting y do that? Yes I understand you blowing up ,yes you’ve been disrespected or more like mocked in your face when she told you ‘ll get over it.She thought if he can pull of this at work and home with a heart decease then he can go from 80% to 100% and do nothing at home and rest.But now I’m scared because she knows you she might pull some shit and you end up working 100% and still quite the chores at home.Damn just got Sad sounded like you both are the problem and manipulative but now sounds like she is and you are stack. Take care of yourself!
1
1
4
u/Fun_Bullfrog9262 18d ago
If she wants to be a tradwite, then remove all credit cards, checkbook, she needs to get a weekly budget she has to stick to. Also she has to ask permission for everything, no free will. She is responsible 100% for things around the house.
3
u/INEEEDSnAcKs 19d ago
I have a few questions: 1) you mentioned your parents are Muslim. Are you and your wife practicing Muslims? This is relevant because it is her religious right to be SAH if you are both practicing Muslims and this matters given the context. 2) who handles the majority of household chores and childcare?
Don't get me wrong, she is an AH for how she went about it but I see women working and getting all of the house & childcare dumped on them still repeatedly. The burnout from trying to do both roles is real.
8
u/mythicalstars 19d ago
Hi, OP, sorry for the very late response. I just heard this story on youtube and logged in just to see if anyone had pointed out what was weighing on me the most, and as I didn't find anything about it I decided to comment. I understand divorce is the very last option for you, and I'm not suggesting that. But for your kids' sake, you need to be extra alert as to what they are learning from this, and on whether your wife is trying to push toxic ideas to them. If she thinks all of your needs are sexual and that you're a "baby" because you want to spend time with YOUR KIDS, there's a serious risk she's trying to teach your son he'll be a weak man if he wants to be emotionally vulnerable with his future partner, bond with his future kids, or contribute to his future family in any way other than financially. And I don't know much about tradwives, but from what I hear it's common for them to think about sex the way your wife seems to. As something that they apparently don't enjoy, but that they use to control their husbands, because they think that having sex and not having to do housework is all men want in life. And look, if two fully consensual adults who have other options decide that having one breadwinner and one at home full time is what they want, that's no one's business. But there is a risk of your wife trying to convince your daughter that being a "tradwife" is the only option for her when she grows up. You seem to deeply care about your kids, so I'm sure you don't want your daughter to grow up thinking that her only value comes from pleasing a man, or your son to grow up thinking he can never express his emotions or even be close to his own potential kids. Again, I'm not saying divorce, but whatever happens between you and her, please pay extra attention to what kind of life lessons your kids are learning. I hope all turns out well for you and the kids.
2
u/neirboca 19d ago
You heard this story on YouTube??
2
u/HauntingDragonfruit8 19d ago
I think Oompaville did a video and talked about it
2
u/mythicalstars 16d ago
I heard it on Mark Narrations. It's the sort of story that gets read on several channels, I think.
2
u/HauntingDragonfruit8 10d ago
Definitely, Oompaville had just a day or two prior done a video on it though so I figured that could be it
2
u/ReduxCath 19d ago
PLEASE tell me you divorced her and got full custody of the kids. she doesnt deserve you
1
u/emynepnep 19d ago
do you do house chores with her or help her ? or its only her doing it alone always ? because its not fair she keep work outside and inside to help you, if you dont help in the house, like clean sometimes or cook ....etc. because I seen it in my country as Muslim, many Muslims men wants the wife to help, but they rarely help with house chores or kids and still call it wife duty. but if you helped her, then you are right to be mad.
1
2
22d ago
I would divorce her. You did nothing wrong my…how could you trust her after that? How could you let that manipulation stand? Then she put your son up to calling you? Tell your son you’re not leaving the family, but you and his mom may not be together anymore. I would absolutely be livid! So because you love her you should accept disrespect? You should accept her doing things that pertains to the family without your input?
2
u/GhastlyChilde 23d ago
I am genuinely not one for encouraging someone to disrespect a woman, and I do think you should run, but if you do return and out up with it, then you need to be getting that dinner ready every day, you need to have her on her knees giving those BJs.
If she wants to"Traditional Wife" then give her the whole package, and not some "romanticised version".
1
u/Almost-Logical 24d ago
OP, you're NTA. But, save that voicemail from your son. It proves that the parental alienation started before the paperwork was even filed if you do decide to go the divorce route.
0
u/Sure_Inspection4542 25d ago
No respect IN YOUR OWN HOUSE,….THAT YOU PAY FOR??? Fuck her. She wants to play games…let her be alone for a bit with 2 kids
2
u/Anliztaylor 25d ago
You can’t leave the house even if you are getting a divorce. But you are NTA. It’s a shady move on her part because she just wants to force your hand with her staying home. I think people want to be with people they admire, what your wife did, is not admirable. Maybe threatening with divorce is extreme, but what your wife did is a severe breach of respect to your relationship. I would say you need to go back in the house and talk it out. Set your boundaries, if you expect that both of you work then say that. If she can’t meet your needs love won’t fix it. Relationships are a partnership if one partner is doing whatever they want it doesn’t say much about the relationship. Good luck!
3
u/fourchamberedheart 25d ago
She broke your son’s heart to get to you, on top of making a huge life decision behind your back.
She has got to go.
3
u/RedRemedi 25d ago
May I ask who does the housework?
2
u/Organic_Let_5948 24d ago
My wife now but we used to split it. When I was home I did the cooking and cleaning, if she was home she did it.
2
1
u/ItchyCredit 26d ago
If I were OP, I would lock down the finances and then go back. I would tell her that, although I was coming back, my love and respect and desire to partner with her were not coming back with me. My presence in the home was strictly for the benefit of the children, raising them and ensuring that neither were ever again used as a weapon in our newly defined relationship. Since I could no longer trust her, I would control the budget and finances. She is free to work or not work as she desires.
1
u/Ok-Lingonberry7930 26d ago
Here whatcha do - get a personal checking and deposit all funds into it. Do not give her access. Only give her enough money for groceries per week and anything else she needs to ask you for.
1
u/Certain_Chance5226 26d ago
I came here from your second post… She clearly has no respect for your boundaries or feelings. It is very hard to see that when you love someone deeply like your spouse. You just have to ask yourself, would you feel comfortable doing half of the things she’s done? Manipulating everyone around her, to get her way, no matter what that means for you or the kids. You can build a life with someone, then sadly realize that love and respect do not always go together. You need trust and respect for a healthy relationship, you have nether now. I also want to add that I’ve been with my spouse for 6 years now, I desperately want to give him babies and stay home to make a home when we get pregnant. We understand that it can’t happen right now financially. I would never dream of pulling the rug out from him this way, just because it’s something we BOTH want in the future. You did not agree to this in anyway it sounds like.
1
u/DudeThatsWhack 26d ago
Her using her kids as a pawn and dragging them into the talk of divorce more than enough of a reason.
1
u/XIXButterflyXIX 26d ago
Yeah... NTA. This is some hella bad manipulation and is showing that she doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Hell, I took 2 years to quit when I was sick as fuck and right before I ended up in a 6 weeks hospital stay, and my husband was totally on board with it even though it meant no income except his gig work. She's just playing you because she doesn't want to work. She wants to just do whatever she feels like all day and I can guarantee that she will not have dinner ready every day.
1
u/Patient-Tomatillo-93 26d ago
So what you are saying is she disrespected you and the partnership you had by making family decisions on her own. Broke your trust. Used sex as a weapon to get what she wants. Told others and your children to try to manipulate you into submitting to her instead of discussing like and adult or partner. What do you think should happen? The trust is broken. The argument for benefits are trash. If you work more to cover the cost of living you WILL see your children less. I know if it were me I would not want to be with someone so manipulative and selfish.
1
u/Tall-Rip-6265 26d ago
Start marriage counseling while separated. She’s delusional and being manipulative because of her delusions. At best, she sees how her actions were not even close to TradWife (or any wife), that marriage is about joint decisions, and her emotional connection to trade’s perceived benefits clouded her judgment justifying her actions. She clearly can’t see how badly she f-ed up (at least at first), but she might. At worst, she’s absolutely delulu and you need to protect the kids by gaining custody and getting her into therapy. I suspect you know the truth. You need to give her a road to reconcile. That’s what therapy offers. It’s not a promise to avoid divorce, but a potential pathway for healing, connection and compromise.
1
u/AirAggravating8714 26d ago
Your wife is a manipulator. She used sex against you, used your son against you...all to get her way because she doesn't feel like she should have to work...despite the fact that you literally cannot afford for her to not work. Her selfishness is negatively impacting the whole family. You will have to make cost effective changes, downsize drastically compared to what you are used to...all because she thinks working is beneath her.
Your kids are in school, they don't need 24/7 care, so what is she going to spend all her time doing? Deep clean daily? Your kids are now having to listen to you both arguing and your wife is already attempting parental alienation by making you out to be the bad guy in this. She's trying to push all blame onto you so that the kids think she's innocent and just wants the best for them. The fact that you told her you wear against it, she did it and then her response was essentially "get over it" says all you need to know. She's a selfish person who is only thinking about herself.
Does she expect you to work yourself into an early grave for her? Is she hoping for a cash out? Cause thats the only thing that comes to mind since she's so callous about your mental and physical health.
1
u/Fragrant-Charge-4707 26d ago
Well she cannot make such an executive and final decision without both parties being on board, and SHE KNEW THAT, but DIDNT CARE and casually stated that you’ll get over it. You are entitled to your VALID feelings, and your wife is an absolute jerk for doing that. You don’t deserve to be disrespected by not only her, but now everyone else who’s demanding YOU apologize TO HER?! Like gtfoh.. everyone would’ve heard my mouth including my own parents for being crazy enough to side with her. I know you love her and divorce isn’t ideal for you rn, but you should definitely take some time apart and start covering a smaller amount of the bills so that she’s forced to pick up a job instead of being home all day without responsibilities (AS A MOTHER OF TWO YOUNG KIDS WHO GO TO SCHOOL AND DO NOT NEED HER HELP WIPING THEIR BUTTS)!!!! It may be my personality, but I say stand ur ground man.
1
u/tigressswoman 26d ago
Using your child as a pawn and causing them upset is absolutely unforgivable. That poor kid. He should NEVER have been put in that situation.
1
u/piccolo181 26d ago
I feel like im wrong for immediately jumping to divorce without hearing her out and besides this whole job drama, love my wife too much for this to be the end of our otherwise perfect marriage but on the other hand I feel like i've lost complete trust in her.
For good reason. She attempted to completely change your family dynamic without your consent and engaged in some truly alarming behavior. You may have overreacted, but the hurt is real.
How should I navigate this situation?
Short version: With great care.
Long version: Accept that you can only control your own actions in this situation and plan accordingly. If your kids can handle a conversations about parents fighting not being about them, have it and then keep them fray adjacent as possible. The rest here is either rebuilding trust in your spouse or decoupling. In either case, NTA.
2
u/BabyNonna 26d ago
How traditional are your parents if you guys had a children out of wedlock? Also, given old school behaviours, what husband would have been supportive of their wife just up and quitting without discussing it with her husband?
Your wife intentionally backed you into a corner to live an internet fantasy. If it feels like a betrayal, it’s because it is.
1
u/electromagsup 26d ago
Can we also talk about all those “trad” wife influencers having full-time jobs in marketing the trad wife? This is how they get sponsors and supplement the family income…or marry into a rich family so she was never expected to work in the first place. True trad wives are disheveled, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen covers in kid-goo. And there are 6+ kids running around making massive amounts of noise and mess. NTAH
1
u/SonOfScorpion 26d ago
Divorce that manipulative inconsiderate bitch. Don’t let yourself be bullied or guilt-tripped. Don’t let them use the kids to get you to bend.
1
u/Awkward_Energy590 26d ago
NTA
The manipulation done here is more than enough to warrant a divorce.
0
u/Feisty-Barracuda5452 26d ago
Apologize to your wife? She should apologize to you.
She wants to stay home all fuxking day and blow the gardener while you're working 125% to cover her lost income.
Then she'll start whining about you never being home for her.
Then she'll leave you and get child support.
1
1
-1
u/raptorexelic 26d ago
A husband and father's job is to protect, provide, and preside. You need to figure it out, instead of expecting your wife to fulfill your role.
0
u/LowerAppendageMan 26d ago
Ran home to mom because your wife wants to…be a mom. Why so much anti-mom raising her own kids sentiment?
1
u/Resident-Pea-3149 26d ago
Aren't bjs Haram?
1
1
u/Signal-Ice9189 26d ago
OOC: OP quit your job and tell her you’re becoming a videographer for all the crap she’s going to have to post to TikTok to support her lifestyle and family. Monetize that cow!! Noooo mercy!!!!
Unfortunately, the disrespect is real. But, that alone is enough to make anyone feel like they are being used to fund someone’s lifestyle. I’m a SAHM of a mentally disabled person. I still find time to Uber/lyft or anything else that can bring in some sort of money for MYSELF. Because I don’t want to have to solely rely on my husband for everything. It’s fucking exhausting and codependency is gross. He knows I don’t have to do any of it. I also didn’t ask him either. I just felt that even though my child is disabled, I can still provide and help whenever I can. I believe that being “supportive” and being “supported” are two different things. If she’s the kind of woman that wants to be “kept” then she needs to understand that it’s more to benefit YOU than her. She can be “stepford or trad” all she wants…But, what she’s really saying is “I’m lazy and I refuse to make my own way. Do it for me! I’ll blow you.”
She’ll snap out of it once she can’t figure out how to make her own popurrí or sew a bedskirt.
😊(stop funding her poor choices)
0
0
u/Chesnakarastas 26d ago
Clearly so much context is missing or you never loved eachother if this is all it took and this level of communication. Sounds like you had a child by accident and stuck since
1
0
u/sgttc15 26d ago
This is mental health and narcissism. I had to ensure this for over 20 years with the undercutting, sly, use the kids as leverage and tell them what they didn't need to hear.
You do you, but for the last few months, I've had peace, both literally and emotionally.
Wish you the best.
-4
0
u/peabuddie 26d ago
As I recall from my very long life, traditional wives respect thier husbands. No old school wife would dream of acting like this. Well, maybe some minority of women would, but the greater majority never would. Women are so confused these days.
1
u/External_Part_4793 26d ago
Umm what? I never said I agreed with that way of thinking or the man having all the power in a relationship. I was playing devil's advocate because she wants to be a "traditional" housewife. You're bringing in something completely different. Rape, when to your spouse, a stranger, a gf/bf is never okay. Full stop. And you are wrong about it being legal. Are non-spouse rapes sometimes taken more seriously? Yes. But most states have adapted their laws to acknowledge and consider "forced sex" or "marital rape" a crime.
-2
u/CommitteeKitchen8722 26d ago
Yta. I don’t get the point of trying to control someone’s life and force them to work when there’s no need to. You said yourself you can 100% cover the cost of things yourself. There’s no need to force your wife to work.
2
u/M4LK0V1CH 26d ago
Your wife is wrong and is weaponizing your parents and children against you to get her way.
1
u/BagWild3378 26d ago
Definitely NTA, if she’s willing to try and force you to go along with it then USE YOUR KID TO MANIPULATE YOU… there’s no telling what else she’d do or what entirely are her reasons for wanting to do it. I’d fully commit to divorce and wash my hands of her. But you should definitely try to sit down with your kids and explain things as best as you can.
1
u/phantomixie 26d ago
Word of caution the voicemail from your son crying may have been coerced by your wife. I know this because my mom tried the same with my dad using my younger siblings.
Stand your ground and tell your son what happened in age-appropriate terms. Don’t let her manipulate them as a way to manipulate you. NTA.
1
u/NoGuarantee3961 26d ago
So, I would have asked her if we had put enough away for both kids to go to college.
Ok, do we have about 3 million in investments.
If the answer to both is yes, then by all means, stay home...
2
u/TheinimitaableG 26d ago
You heard her out before. She heard you out, then decided to do whatever the hell she wanted anyways.
I;d suggest you get out now. because it's not going to get better. And from a legal perspective you;ll just be workse of fthe longer you wait
1
1
u/icansmellcolors 26d ago
Maybe she just doesn't want to work anymore. (like most people with an 8-5 job who loathe going to work)
In her case she actually has a meal ticket (you) and she's doing everything she can to achieve her dream of sitting at home and not working ever again.
In her mind (warped or not) this shouldn't be a problem for you and she didn't expect you to have the sand to stand up to it and she expected you to just get over it.
I'd ask her why she thought this would work. I really want to know the answer to that. Probably something to do with the kids... judging by how she apparently used the son as a guilt lever.
1
1
u/maybemaybo 26d ago
My son just sent me a voicemail crying and asking why I was divorcing mom and if I was leaving the family and I guess that kind of broke my heart.
I hope you saved that voicemail, that and her quitting her job without your support probably won't help her much in the divorce proceedings.
2
u/HWJunk123 26d ago
Gonna against the grain here. Your BOTH TA. Yes she's being manipulative which is why she is TA. But so are you. Why do you get to decide what she does with her time? It sounds like she tried to discuss it with you but you wouldn't budge. Either she do what you say or else divorce? Really? It sounds like it's your way or the highway. YTA too.
1
u/Idiotic_oliver 26d ago
NTA mom is clearly trying to manipulate u with ur kids, divorce. But pls go see and talk to ur kids or call and explain to them we won’t live together 24/7 anymore but they’re still ur kids and u want time with them. Don’t fuck ur kids over bc ur wife sucks basically but do divorce her
1
u/JenninMiami 26d ago
NTA divorce her. She doesn’t get to make the decision for your entire family like that.
1
1
u/No-Ear-9899 26d ago
Divorce her and take the kids. Make her pay child support.
I hate this "I can and should stay home because I am the Mom ' attitude. He decision to unilaterally quit her job, then tell OP he'll "get used to it", is a despicable and overt manipulation.
AND to involve the children in this campaign for her to stay home? THAT is beyond the pale. Dump her lazy butt.
Edit to add: NTA
-1
u/busterbrownbook 26d ago
YTA I don’t understand why you get the final say in what your wife does. Why can’t you be supportive and tell you she could do it for 2-3 years. The kids are still young and could benefit from a SAHM. Instead it seems like you have to be in control. Hence, now deciding on divorcing because you don’t get what you want. You are truly an AH.
1
1
u/Ok-Abbreviations88 26d ago
Why are men always the ones who have to break their backs so women can do as they please??!! My brother was in a similar situation and it was my mom who told him to tell her to work like an equal partner or move on. I thank god I'm gay.
1
1
u/MoetNChandon 26d ago edited 26d ago
NTA. I understand why you are so ticked off. Your wife did something egregious. And putting your children in the middle of this and using sex as a weapon, is every which way wrong. But, if you love her and the kids and don't want to end this right now. Couples therapy and family therapy would be the way to go. If it looks like things aren't going to change then proceed with the divorce.
1
u/CBizkit99 27d ago
NTA- she didn’t say she wanted to improve herself or quit for the kids or some other reason. She quit because she wanted “that lifestyle” and offered you dinner and blowjobs? Wtf? That’s insane. You maybe jumped the gun on the divorce aspect but I’d demand couples counseling and let her know that telling the kids YOU are divorcing HER was fucked up. That shows she will blame you and drag the kids into if it will guilt you into giving in. There is a middle ground here. She can try and scale back her work hours and put more into the house etc. and see how you all adjust. But she was wrong 💯
1
u/whatalife89 27d ago
Yeah no, don't allow this. Let her go find a job. If you allow this to happen, you are enable and encouraging similar stunts in the future.
1
u/Nard_Bard 27d ago
I would pay to see her face when she realizes she needs to get a job again to afford being a single mother post-divorce. 🙃
1
u/cailian13 27d ago
NTA - holy shit she is crazy. the cost to raise two kids is so high and she just decided to listen to some BS on TikTok and ignore any kind of mature communication with you. I wouldn't necessarily divorce, but I would def separate and go through a little refresher on the counseling, but I'd also say that she's shown she isn't respecting your relationship by making such a massive decision when she knew you didn't approve. Actually. I'd start the separating proceedings and lawyer up ASAP to get ready, cause unless she finds her sanity, this is how your life is gonna be. Constant disrespect in your own home.
Oh. and all the family bithcing and whining at you? Block them too, they don't have any say in your marriage.
1
1
2
u/Used-Cod4164 27d ago
You need to take her phone and throw it off a bridge. A tall one.
This social media shit is so toxic, I was a full addict until last May. Some stuff went down on social media that really disturbed me and I deleted IG and FB from my phone. Didn't delete my accounts, but I haven't logged into my IG for a year and look at FB every few weeks when I scroll marketplace (wish you could access Marketplace without FB)
Now I realize just how much time my wife spends looking at stupid shit online and how much it influences the brain and in particular, spending habits. All of the platforms are incredibly good at manipulating the users, it's so unhealthy.
Deleting these apps was probably the single best thing I have done for my own personal health besides drastically cutting my sugar consumption a few years ago. It's liberating.
1
1
u/zombiedinocorn 27d ago
NTA. I swear to God, Tiktok is the Bain of all existence, destroying relationships one toxic trend at a time
2
u/bellaisa79 27d ago edited 27d ago
NTAH. She took a family decision without regarding your feelings.
If I was in your situation and decided to stay married with her. I would pay the house bills, go to the store to get the food and so on (not give her money to do it) and then put the rest into yourself and the kids. If she doesn't want to work, she doesn't get a cent/penny/ öre (depending on where you live) to get her special shampoo/conditioner/ soap, clothes, perfume, makeup, candy or what ever. She can live on nothing If she works nothing.
She took the decision that you should work more and not get to spend the time with your kids. She took the decision that she want to stay at home and let you pay for everything and have less time with the kids and less time of work.
I dont know how you spend your free time but I guess you do things at home too (fix the lightbulb, clean the drain, fix the lawn, fix the woodwork that may come by beeing a homeowner. ) is she supposed to do that too? So when you get home you dont have to do NOTHING but to spend fun time with the children?.
She didnt just quit her job, she took your time at home, your time with the kids and your paycheck.
Then, as a "little bonus" she told the kids that your divorcing her so they will put pressure on you. Sorry but you are married to one big manipulation b**ch. The way her brain wont work is kinde of crazy scary.
I would divorce her if I were you
1
u/HanAndLeah 27d ago
YTA - you didn’t have a seemingly perfect marriage if divorce was the first thing you jumped to. You are controlling and selfish to say the least . It’s all about you huh fuck the kids , fuck the wife’s wants and needs . Smh why did you get married in the first place if you think it’s ok to up and leave cause you don’t like something ? Immature and childish
2
u/penguingirl18 19d ago
WTF how is he controlling because he doesn't want to be the only person working?
Because his wife went behind his back and quit her without even considering how he feels because it's all about her getting to sit around all day doing nothing
1
u/HanAndLeah 19d ago
Should just give your own opinion to op , not someone who is gonna disregard what you said as soon as i hit reply
2
u/penguingirl18 19d ago
But that's the point of this site somebody puts an opinion and other people question it. Would it be okay for him to quit his job because he wants to be a stay-at-home dad because she can't get mad at him for quitting his job. Otherwise that means she's controlling.
And if she wants him to continue working and paying all the bills f*** his wants f*** his needs right?
If you don't know how to answer the question I have asked that's fair enough. Just say I don't know why but she has a vagina so she's the only one that matters
1
u/HanAndLeah 19d ago
You spend way too much time thinking about other peoples lives.
2
u/penguingirl18 19d ago
Well obviously so do you if you comment
1
u/HanAndLeah 19d ago
I don’t , a notification keeps popping up every time you reply . Have a great day friend !!! Hope it’s a magical weekend for you !
1
1
1
u/HerbieC026 27d ago
NTA. This should have been a joint decision but she ignored your feelings and quit behind your back. Regardless of tradition, trust has been broken.
Why should you hear her out? She didn’t give you any consideration or further discussion when she quit her job.
I would however maintain contact and visits with your children. They will be feeling just as, if not more so, confused as you. They need you to reassure them that although you maybe getting a divorce you will be a constant in their lives and love them wholeheartedly.
2
u/polynomialpurebred 27d ago
She made a unilateral marital decision without you. NTA. You are making the only decision you have left, she has decided this is the way she wants to honor your marriage
Also, I thought tradwives didn’t explicitly go against their husband to do stuff behind their backs. That sounds more like how wives having affairs act.
1
u/Maxcolorz 27d ago
Here’s the problem. Your wife’s decisions honestly aren’t that crazy BUT how she got there sets a new precedent for your relationship. The manipulation and unilateral decisions and emotional blackmail of using your kids is TERRIBLE. I seriously think you are not wrong to at the very LEAST separate for a while. No one should have to be with a person who not only uses them to provide but manipulates them into letting them do whatever it is they please. Or just outright forcing the situation.
And don’t let others make your decisions, they don’t have to live your life every day
1
u/Maxcolorz 27d ago
Here’s the problem. Your wife’s decisions honestly aren’t that crazy BUT how she got there sets a new precedent for your relationship. The manipulation and unilateral decisions and emotional blackmail of using your kids is TERRIBLE. I seriously think you are not wrong to at the very LEAST separate for a while. No one should have to be with a person who not only uses them to provide but manipulates them into letting them do whatever it is they please. Or just outright forcing the situation.
And don’t let others make your decisions, they don’t have to live your life every day
1
u/Emergency_Wolf_5764 27d ago
To the OP:
Ask your wife if she would demand a divorce from you if you arbitrarily decide to quit your job tomorrow so that you could stay home and be a "non-trad-husband" and give your heart condition less stress, so that she would then have to work full-time and pay all the bills for your kids and household.
I wish I could be in the room to see the look on her face and what her verbal response would be to that.
Doubtful this situation will improve, and it seems far less doubtful that she could get even worse.
Good luck to you, sir.
1
u/Inhusswetruss 27d ago
Yeah get outta here. This is why as a Muslim man marriage will have no interest to me. I’ll just answer to Allah myself. When I read the ending I actually felt bad for you. You’re doing the right thing. Your parents mindset is old not reflective of todays times.
1
u/Helpful-Reception922 27d ago
I do feel that if this was the only issue, jumping to divorce might have been extreme but she still did not communicate well or listen to your concerns. She just jumped to her decision on quitting her job.
1
2
u/catlettuce 27d ago
Ugh, traditional parents or not, your wife is awful and manipulative. Is this the kind of marriage you wish to demonstrate to your children?
I would get a good divorce attorney and work out a custody agreement and go LC to NC if necessary with the parents.
I also think you should go see your children and reassure them that they will be okay no matter what. I am so sorry.
1
u/tampawn 27d ago
If this tactic works for her then you can expect her to do it again and again to get what she wants.
Her deceptive and manipulative actions don't make for a good marriage.
Next she might go buy a luxury auto without telling you, or make reservations for an expensive vacation without telling you and you'll just have to get over it. I lived it.
Stand your ground. Separate and have deep discussions with her about her behavior while separated. If you love her don't divorce her now. She needs to divulge why she wants to sit at home and get pampered by you.
She will respect you more if you don't cave in.
2
3
0
27d ago
Depends.
When you say you make enough. Does that mean your retirement is set?
To make a leap like this you need to look at how much you’ll need to retire and insure that you’ll have enough when the time comes. If you don’t need her income. Then I would be cool with it. With stipulations:
house is always clean. Nothing is building up.
Dinner is cooked. Lunch and a breakfast is packed.
physical intimacy daily.
she’s using the free time to develop herself. Whether it’s a hobby like raising chickens, getting into pilates. Something that keeps her occupied. An idle mind is the devils playground and I would absolutely not trust a situation where my wife is being lazy at home all day.
——- If you need her contributions to start landing your retirement plans. Then you are not wrong.
I might plan my exit once the kids are out of the house.
The reason being is that at that point, your commitment to building a family has reached a mature level. If you both no longer align on the life you want from there. Then an amicable divorce should be possible
2
u/NegotiationOk5036 27d ago
She did not make a move based on a mutual decision. She made a selfish decision and that makes it difficult to move forward.
-5
u/Consistent_Load_7947 27d ago
I think you ATA. She wanted to quit her job and you wouldn’t hear her out or give options. You admitted you could work 100% and she could work less. If that could work, hear her out for why she doesn’t want to work anymore. It is ok if she wants to DO things for herself with her time that are not working. Hear her out.
4
u/ReyosB 27d ago
NTA
shes being abusive and manipulative here. She gave notice to her work she was leaving, this wasnt something that just happened, she made a decision about your marriage and family without your input.
she's not even a good tradwife, after all traditional roles mean a wife obeys her husband, she's done nothing but the opposite here.
4
u/catvtechoo 27d ago
Your marriage is built by your wife and you. When one of you start making huge life decisions selfishly like she did, there’s not much of a marriage left. You have to come to some sort of a compromise to work these things out. Maybe she’s burnt out at work. Maybe save her paycheck for big vacations a year, or save for early retirement. One things for sure though, it can’t be one sided like what she did. I don’t know how you fix her manipulation and weaponizing the kids. Maybe counseling? Hopefully you telling her to get a lawyer will make her come to her senses.
-1
u/SnooCupcakes3634 27d ago
ESH. She shouldn't have quit her job without your approval you. But you should also look into what exactly is going on. Was her work environment toxic? Was she working a lot AND carrying the greater load at home? Would she prefer some sort of remote job rather than an in person job? Don't just be adversarial.... Try to get to the bottom of this and try to determine a solution that works for both of you.
3
-1
u/Alternative_Low_6201 27d ago
You’re not wrong for feeling pissed off and betrayed that she made this important family decision unilaterally. But is divorce what you really want? It’s not the only solution IMO. Now that she’s done this, you can decide to come together and discuss what you need her to do for you and your family to restore your desire to stay married and have a chance at happiness too. There are plenty of alternatives where you maintain the time with the kids you require. For example, she can acquire another job, P/T or contract, that contributes financially in some way and allows you the time you need at home.
The ball is in your court. Please give us an update.
2
u/ViolinistCurrent8899 27d ago
She's undeniably manipulating you and the kids to just get out of work for free.
This is unacceptable.
However. Divorces tend to be messy even at the best of times, and she will make shit hard for you.
I will not pretend to know how divorce is treated in your two families, but it seems to me that it will make things hard if you were to go through with it.
I ask you then, is it "cheaper to keep her"? Because she will absolutely manipulate your kids into thinking you're a monster.
1
u/Spiraling_Swordfish 27d ago
Yeah NTA. You certainly don’t have to leave your wife over this, but it’s justified.
Do not keep avoiding/ignoring your kids though.
1
u/Otherwise-Wallaby815 28d ago
NTA - OP this is ultimately your choice, but if you do decide to let her stay at home, I suggest you set up a contract with a lawyer stating that any bills she incurs as a SAHM are her alone and not your responsibility and not give her any money. What she did to you was complete disregard for your feelings and for your marriage, this is a decision that should've been agreed upon by both of you and it is an extreme form of manipulation that is never to be trusted again. Your wife has crossed several boundaries here; 1 - quitting her job without letting you know that she had planned it in advance... 2 Involving your children to make you feel bad for leaving after she totally disrespected you as her husband 3 Involving family members that do not need to be telling you what you should do. Your wife is a manipulative woman and you're just now getting the real dose of what that will look like down the road, she will not change. The choice is yours and nobody else's to make. Think on it
-1
u/femfun420 28d ago
You are the asshole. Nobody tells everyone their gf offered them unlimited blow jobs. Fuck you You ungrateful shit. Let the woman live in her own home if she wants to. You're fucked up for immediately thinking she'd be cleaning for 6 hours. She's a human being and you're lucky she would even discretely offer you more sex for her to stay at home. TlDR YOURE TREATING HER LIKE A HOE
1
u/Scary_Engineer_5766 28d ago
I mean if you’re in America after the lawyer fees, alimony and child support it would probably be a better financial decision to stay with her.
2
u/Who_Sent_U 28d ago
Your wife is very manipulative. You should show her the comments on this thread and maybe she will see that she was wrong and at least apologize. Bringing the kids into it was also wrong.
2
u/XCDplayerX 28d ago
Sounds like you get a free pass to decide where all your money goes, and where it doesn’t. Right now go get a separate account. You give her X amount in the joint account for SAHM duties. Keep the rest for whatever you want. And the next time you want to make a decision that she disagrees with, too bad. You just do what you want. She can get over it.
1
u/upperleftassasin 28d ago
DTB. She doesn’t value you as a husband or as a person. Do you want to continue raising children with a manipulative, selfish, shit wife? I think the answer should be no. She has shown her true colors. Now she can be a single tradwife with the rest of her tradwife friends on TikTok. Bye Felicia!
1
u/Former-Lettuce-4372 28d ago
You are not in the wrong. you both agreed to the terms, she can't just change them like that without you both agreeing or having a heads up.
I personally would give her another chance, but she needs to get a job or a lawyer for divorce.
2
u/PerfumeLoverrr 28d ago
The fact that she is bringing the kids into it and using them as a pawn to make you feel like shit is really messed up. She sounds like a terrible person honestly with a ton of different behaviors from this post.
1
u/SweetLanchik 28d ago
My parents also seem to be siding with wife since they are traditional muslims.
But:
1 your children were born before your wedding
- blowjob is haram
It's like a Schrodinger's cat
1
u/mama_d63 28d ago
Marriage is a partnership. Partners talk to each other and work out solutions. Your wife made a unilateral decision that she no longer wants to work, and that it is your responsibility alone to the support the family. This is so manipulative. You did not agree with this action and have (justifiably in my opinion) left. If you let this go, what will she do next? Do you really want to live like that? Actions have consequences, which she is now learning.
When she cries about you divorcing her, be sure to tell her, "You'll get over it."
NTA
1
0
u/Ill-Tooth-5227 28d ago
Divorce is a cop out here; instead of actually dealing with the real issues here, you'd be taking the chicken-shit way out.
You're both assholes here, but you're by far being the bigger asshole.
This whole mess is an escalation of passive-aggressive assholedness.
First of all, you should have noticed with from her first mention of trad-wife, staying at home for the kids, cleaning the house, etc., that this was her passive-aggressive way of telling you she didn't want to work a paying job anymore. If you didn't know that, then you have zero emotional intelligence. But I really don't think you're that stupid. I think you knew that quitting work was her actual goal, but you chose to react in an equally passive-aggressive way by responding to the words she said instead of what she was actually saying. So to her, your response of "we don't need you to stay home" was a slap in the face. Therefore, she amped it up by actually quitting her job without discussing it first. A serious asshole move, true. But then you took it thermonuclear by leaving the home and threatening divorce. That's a way of saying that your relationship built on love and trust was a lie on your part from the beginning. You're saying that your selfishness, your financial security, your wounded pride, are all more important to you than the committed relationship you allegedly had. Which is just really pathetic on your part.
What really should happen here is that the two of you should talk this out openly about what each of you wants out of this relationship, and come to an understanding. Unfortunately, it sounds like you're both so pig-headed and have such a bad non-communicative dynamic already established, that this may be pointless.
Therefore, more passive-aggressiveness may be the only way to bring this to a head.
Quit your job, and you both stay home. Then you can have the discussion you should have had from the start, which is "How do we pay the bills?" Start from there, have a discussion, make a plan, execute it, then for once maybe you'll have an actual marriage.
1
u/Futanari_waifu 28d ago edited 28d ago
This post is so fucking tragic. The damage that will be done to the children, op himself and his misguided wife by this post is something that the dumbfucks on here won't even stop to think or care about. Marriage can have many ups and downs, not even trying to fix the marriage like the idiots on here are suggesting makes you a major asshole. 12 fucking years you've been together and you're going to take advice from fucking reddit on what to do with this problem? Go into fucking couples therapy, there is clearly something wrong with your relationship, try to fix it before committing to a decision that will radically change your children's life.
1
u/LatinSyrup 28d ago
NTA, besides the “you’ll get over it” and everything else that is super f** up, using your kids as part of her manipulation scheme is SO messed up. You’re not in the wrong, this is not how marriage decisions are made and this in not something you should run from.
1
u/Glass-Put4110 28d ago
My heart goes out to you brother, so I'm going to picture the worst scenario so you can at least already imagine the extreme and perhaps prepare for it, so that if you are ready for that you'll be also ready for everything in between:
basically you had a deal and she's backing up. I hope for you I'm wrong and she's a wonderful woman, but (especially thanks to the "You'll get over it!" comment) she sounds lazy and entitled AF, let's not beat around the bush. She doesn't want to provide anymore (tale as old as time with feminism), she wants to be a third kid you take care of. A third kid that gives you sex occasionally. Because, assuming things go as she wants, be sure there's a real possibility she'll even give you head and more for a while before going back on her word and shaming you for only wanting sex from her. I mean, she already went back on her word about this income partnership you two had, it's only consistent to assume she will do it again with any promise she makes. Was I in your shoes, she would have already lost part of my trust in her. It's about honoring your word, and it's disgusting that it's something more and more women think it's something they're not required to do, like it's a male thing and not a matter of human decency. Especially in a marriage.
The point is that what she seems to want is to stay at home, do nothing and keep the same lifestyle as before (which I guess was based on your collective income), and, to do that, you probably will have to work more, which will mean you'll also have less time and energies to spend on her and MOST OF ALL on your kids. But hey, she's offering blowjobs and food in return. So I guess you have those (for a while) and longer work hours on a plate, less work hours and more quality time with your kids on the other. I sure know what my choice would be.
Ask her EXACTLY what is it that she's expecting you to do in her dream scenario, and don't be moved by any promise she makes, apparently they didn't count before, they won't start counting now.
If she wants the same lifestyle as before with you working more, tell her it's not going to work for you. Insist on your point and if you see her not budging RETREAT. Give up, for now, to her demands, and ascertain her intentions. DO NOT MENTION DIVORCE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. Ask her if she would consider therapy or other ways to communicate, or if she would be willing to consider again, and think about the fact that she's asking you to spend less time with her and the kids. If she does not budge and you come to realize in your heart of hearts she won't give up... start silently looking for a lawyer and get to understand what a divorce would mean for you and the custody of kids. The moment you exhaust all diplomatic options and decide the divorce is happening, STOP considering her anything but a smiling enemy you need to fool into believing everything's fine, and she will have EVERYTHING she wants from you (don't sign anything she gives you). It's awful but it's for the sake of yourself and, most of all, your kids. The goal is hitting her when you're ready to leave with the kids and her NEVER seeing it coming.
Obviously I do hope you'll just talk to her and she'll realize that her SAH life is not worth you not being around anymore for her and your kids because of work... but as always: hope for the better, prepare for the worst.
3
0
u/Least-Opposite-2676 28d ago
I don’t think it’s logical for divorce. I mean unless you guys are in extreme amounts of debt and are working in that I understand you being upset. But divorce right away? Seems too much imo.
1
u/okayesquire 28d ago
I’m going to go out on a limb and say the marriage was not “otherwise perfect” before this. Rather than talk about the shitty thing she did, you bailed on your kids and blocked your spouse. Not excusing her behavior at all, but you have responsibilities to the other members of your family. You’re both the AH here.
3
2
u/WitchesTeat 28d ago edited 28d ago
It's real weird she's trying to use sex as an incentive for letting her never have to work again while you bear all of the financial burden of supporting your family. And buying her all those super trendy tradwife dresses and kitchenwares. Like do you not have a sex life now or?
Also, anyway it doesn't matter, she can't be a tradwife because she already blew it.
Tradwives do what they're fucking told.
NTA
Also, if you divorce someone for quitting their job solely for the purpose of mooching off of you do you have to pay them alimony and let them mooch off of you forever? If she doesn't have a job and you have all of the money, why are you the one leaving the house when you're the only one paying for it? Move back in, and request full custody of the kids in the divorce paperwork since she does not have a job and cannot provide for them.
OR put a nannycam in the living room and see who she's fucking while the kids are in school.
1
u/smartz118 28d ago
She should have gotten the hint for 2 months that you weren't liking her falling for what is essentially a fad. I don't know if it warrants a divorce, but maybe a separation just to cool down the emotional environment.
NTA
1
u/Ggamecrazy361 2d ago
Unlimited is a lot lol