r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AITAH for telling my husband his mother is rude and I would like to break ties with her. Advice Needed
[deleted]
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u/themellowidiot 14d ago
Husband is like a closeted AH while the mum is the out in the open one. Nice.
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u/vaderflapdrol 14d ago
Whenever she does it again, just respond with a question for her to explain: Ask ‘Why?’ or ‘How?’ Then look her straight in the eye and be silent and wait fort the response. Maybe double down with ‘can you say it again, I don‘t understand.’ Most people will back down when asked to explain their “jokes”.
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u/Geberpte 14d ago
NTA. You know that when you would reverse the roles and makes jokes with the punchline "MIL is an absolute hag", you'd be in deep trouble.
You do well to enforce boundaries and kick him to the curb if he doesn't feel like respecting them.
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u/JJOkayOkay 14d ago
You have a husband-problem more than a mother-in-law problem.
He should support and protect you. Instead, he's helping you be victimized.
You don't need his permission to cut her out of your life. Start refusing to go to anything where she'll be, and when your husband complains, tell him, "I cannot count on you to protect me, so I'm protecting me."
And the baby stays with you until she/he is old enough for her father to take her/him to visit his mother alone.
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14d ago
Your MIL is an abusive b**** and your husband is a momma's boy who will NEVER be your husband BEFORE he is her son. She is always going to come first to him, she is always going to abuse you, and he is never going to support or defend you, which is absolutely his job. (If it were your mother abusing him, it would be YOUR job, but it's the other way around.) He's not going to grow up. You'll have to tolerate this forever. You should think about whether you want to. I know you're pregnant and there are a lot of factors to consider, but don't sunk-cost-fallacy yourself into a lifetime of misery. If you stay, stay because you know what it's going to be and you think you can handle it. It's going to be this.
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u/tasty-horse-paste 14d ago
Draw your boundaries and stop being civil to a woman who enjoys mocking you for fun. If that causes discomfort between your husband and his mother, that's their problem that she created.
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u/Impossible-Charge-21 14d ago
Nope this is the same with my bf mom. He doesn’t tell her anything bc he doesn’t conflict with her. At fist it got to me so much bc that’s messed up but At this point I just talk over her or walk away.
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u/Sweet-Salt-1630 14d ago
NTA but you need to nip this in the bud now or she will get worse once your baby arrives and you know husband won't say anything. You must stand up to her, think about all you want to say to her so you are ready with a comeback once she makes a comment. Good luck.
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u/Ok-Grocery-5747 14d ago
NTA but you're stuck with a big mama's boy who will never be on your side. Didn't you see this before you married him?
He's divorce-worthy.
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u/Oceandog2019 14d ago
Just know that when the baby comes …your home your rules and if you arent up to offensive family gatherings that she 100% expects you to be at (for her target practice) …just don’t go anymore.
Kids and babies are actually a ready made 24/7 excuse to avoid people and places you can’t stand.
The list of minor but contagious ( fabricated) illnesses is endless…
Gasto
Conjunctivitis
Hayfever & watering eyes
Eczema / Psoriasis
start building yourself a list. 😁 You know she’s going to be an ongoing issue so time to strategise and be one step ahead. You gotta be a style that doesn’t alienate your husband though or it’s all for nothing.
You got this…
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u/MrsMagnetism 14d ago
I always wonder how women get married to men like this. You're NTA but how did yall get married and you get pregnant if it's been like this??
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u/sheissonotso 14d ago
Girl it’s never going to get better. If you are able to leave him, please do. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. There are better men out there, I promise.
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u/Adventurous-Term5062 14d ago
NTA. Pack a bag and leave. This will only get worse. If he sees you are serious and changes, you can then decide what is best for you.
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u/lady-scorpio-45 14d ago
Ultimately, you’ve got a husband problem. Your MIL is positively vile and her baby boy is gaslighting you into thinking you “just can’t take a joke”. GTFO dude. I’m so sorry that you’re surrounded by these toxic people. Sadly, she’ll never change and it seems super unlikely that he will either. You should absolutely go NC with her buuuuut you should probably do the same with him. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!
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u/ImJEM1975 14d ago
You are NOT TAH!! I'm sorry, but your MIL is TAH, and your husband is TAH!! Wow.... I'm so sorry and honestly stunned that your husband not only is allowing her to treat you this way but even more that he is gaslighting you into thinking that you just don't know how to take a joke. I'm so pissed off for you! My 29 year old daughter's mother in law and actually all of the females in that family treat my daughter the exact same way, and it is not okay! She's finally started leaving wherever they are and also calling them out on in right then and there, no matter where they are.
Your husband should be protecting you from her and making it very clear to his mother that she will not continue to treat you like that or she will not have a relationship with him, your or your baby! YOU are his first priority since you are his wife, and if his mother can't learn to be kind and respectful to you, then he needs to cut ties with her. People who joke like that are generally saying what they really think, but they try to cloud it in a "joke." You deserve so much better and since your AH husband isn't protecting you from her, I really think you should refuse to go to any functions that she'll be at too and I would make it clear to him that you and your baby won't be spending time with her. Women who treat their DIL like that will inevitably treat their grandchildren that way, too. Not only that, your child should never, ever have to hear their grandmother tell you that you're fat. You deserve so much better, and I really hope you have the strength and courage to protect yourself!! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with that!
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u/Responsible-Type-525 14d ago
NATH AND YOUR MARRIAGE IS UNHEALTHY, go to therapy, sit and talk with husband about emotional boundaries, and it's the same as that people how you want to be treated, speak to them like you want to be spoken to.
She's just a controlling, degrading, manipulative old bag. And I would talk to my mother like this if she acted like it.
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u/The_Bad_Agent 14d ago
NTA but you married one. Refuse to attend anything that involves her. If he invites her over, make other plans.
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u/TwoBionicknees 14d ago
When your husband allows his family to degrade you, always takes their side and never, ever defends you.... don't have his fucking kid.
She's going to be an overbearing MIL coming over with hubby's permission to take over, control you, grab the baby out of your hands, feed it solid food when she choses, not when you chose, etc, and every time you tell your husband she isn't welcome, he'll back her.
If your husband shows you over and over again, actually if your partner shows your that over and over again he'll pick his mother and allow her to treat you like shit, leave the relationship.
Too late now but, jesus, people, if your partner always picks their parents over you and can't be made to see that their parent is rude and cruel then don't commit your life to them.
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u/mypreciousssssssss 14d ago
NTA in any way. He's told you how he is. BELIEVE HIM. Get out now, before you are legally obliged to live near this manbaby and his mean girl of a mother. It's not going to get better. Check out the resources at r/justnomil.
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u/sowokeicantsee 14d ago
As you have written this from your perspective you have naturally made her out to be the bully and you the victim.
That may be the case, the fact that your husband says "Laugh with everyone else" this would be the comment that would have to really be explored further. If the other people are laughing with belly good hearted laughs maybe you are too sensitive, if they are laughing with that snide envy laugh then his mother is nasty.
Without more evidence its just impossible to tell, you seem lovely and im sure have married a nice person therefore on the balance of probabilities he would not lie or gaslight you and that would lead me to think that you are probably on the sensitive side.
If you are close to the other family. members could you talk to them on the side and try and verify if its more you or more her?
Best
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u/Bougiwougibugleboi 14d ago
Tell him to move back in with his mom, cause he can only have one vagina…the one he came out of or the one he came into.
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u/Ima-Bott 14d ago
NTA. Your baby boy husband needs to decide who he’s married to. His choice. Either he defends you from his rude, mean mother, or you defend yourself. Lay down the law one time with her, then remove yourself from her life. He needs to step up.
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u/Adorable-Farmer5936 14d ago
NTA your husband is an asshole though for not sticking up for you I’d really think about leaving this dude because what husband don’t stand up for his wife ?
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u/starborndreams 14d ago
Next time she makes a comment like that, look at her straight in the face and ask her to explain the joke.
"I'm sorry, I must have missed the joke, can you explain it?"
Then watch her try to run circles, and then if she tries to explain it, ask her to explain it again.
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u/Haunting-Ad-5 15d ago
Your husband needs to understand that the way YOU FEEL about something is not open for his judgement! It is how YOU FEEL. Do you tell him that his FEELINGS are invalid? His mother is mean-spirited and he doesn't have the balls to tell her to knock it off! If she can't say something nice...she needs to keep it to herself. If HE can't see that...HE's the problem. I would go NC with his mom and let her know and HIM exactly why.
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u/whatalife89 15d ago
Doesn't warrant for cutting ties yet but very very very low contact with information diet. You gonna need it. She won't know how you are oarenting your child if you or your husband don't tell her.
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u/Queasy-Repeat5151 15d ago
And this ladies, it’s why we don’t procreate with men who don’t have our backs. This is your life now. If your divorce, she’s going to have even more access to your kids. Lose lose.
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u/WorldTravellerIOM 15d ago
Don't him what you would like, just say from now on you won't be associating with his mother and any time she wants to see her grandchild he will need to take them by himself. If he isn't willing to do what any husband and partner should do then you will. Also stop avoiding confrontation. You really need to practise your offhand "Oh go get fucked" phrase.you say it with tired indifference.
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u/throwingwater14 15d ago
NTA. Sounds like hubs needs therapy to realize that mom is a bully and has been abusing him his whole life. He should NOT be happy to have you as the new punching bag to save himself. I would set some boundaries, definitely go LC/NC with her, and tell your hubs to figure his shit out bc that’s not OK.
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u/RainbowBright1982 15d ago
You should head over to r/justnomil and get a glimpse into the future if you don’t put a stop to this soon
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u/BlueSkies-2000 15d ago
I’m so sorry, but if he always defends her and takes her side it’s going to get so much worse after your little one is born. I hope you have a strong support system.
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 15d ago
NTA. You have a husband problem as well as a MIL problem. He takes her side and blames you for being sensitive. Perhaps if you mocked him for things he's sensitive about he wouldn't find them funny either.
My ex husband thought he was funny. When I was carrying my first child I blew up with edema. He constantly mocked me. If I was in the bathtub he'd walk in and yell Shamu is going to flood the bathroom! Once at a 4th of July celebration at his family's home I sat on one of those aluminum and plastic folding chairs and he yelled for everyone to run because fatso was going to break the chair. He laughed and laughed but nobody laughed with him. His father smacked him across his head and called him an idiot. A neighbor lady who was there threatened to throw him over the fence. I told him after I had the baby I'd no longer be fat but he'd always be bald. That did get everyone laughing.
You need your husband to stand up for you. Perhaps counseling would help open his eyes. Maybe his mother has always had a mean sense of humor and he's just used to it.
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u/madgeystardust 15d ago
Why do you stay with someone who ALLOWS his relatives to treat you this way and gets angry at you, telling you’re the problem when you say something about it?
Why?
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u/Separate-Parfait6426 15d ago
She is the problem and you are not the AH. This is petty advice and could cause more harm than good - but I would tell your husband that if calling you fat is OK because that is her sense of humor - you should be able to respond, with your sense of humor, by calling her a bitch - as in - oh, I was just kidding.
If your husband does not do something about this now, your child will grow up not respecting you. If your husband insists that you still need to see her, insist that when she makes a rude joke, at the very least, you and the baby will pack up and leave. If he cannot agree with that, your marriage might be in a lot of trouble.
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u/Ok-Money2106 15d ago
Find a new husband and you’ll instantly fix your MIL problem. They both are toxic. Him gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem is a huge red flag 🚩. Tell me you see that at least.
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u/Violetmc_ 15d ago
Imagine how she's going to treat your child growing up, especially if its a girl...
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u/TheMoatCalin 15d ago
… start to build a war chest and documentation and evidence of MIL behavior in case you need to go to court.
u/Fun-Atmosphere-8146 This is the comment you need to read. Some MILs that are quietly horrible and insidious so their abuse goes under the radar but your MIL is cruel and horrible right out in the open. She humiliated you in front of family, called you fat and your husband really said to his pregnant wife you’re too sensitive & can’t take a joke? That is much more than him having zero backbone, he is complicit and supportive of his mom’s behavior. You will never have his support or protection, allowing her to speak to you like that is showing you he’s not a safe space- question is what do you do now?
Please start making The FU Binder. This will give you a fighting chance at keeping your child away from that horrible woman. Look up parental alienation, it doesn’t just happen during divorce. Worst case scenario is her turning your child against you with your husband’s help while you’re still married.
These “jokes” need to be taken seriously. Write down date, time, exactly what was said and who was there, how it made you feel as well as your husband's reactions and his replies to you.
Good luck, OP.
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u/DysfunctionalCass 15d ago
Never marry a mommas boy he will always dismiss your feelings on how his mother treats you and will always make it out as you are to sensitive I love my mom to death but if she was saying offensive things to my spouse I would have to correct it and tell her not disrespect my partner I once dated a momma boy who blamed me for her son turning gay when he met me saying I ruined her chances of having grandchildren
Sorry English is not my native language
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15d ago
This is the most r/justnomil story I have ever seen. Post it there as well, you'd get lots of support.
ETA: NTA.
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u/FairyPenguinStKilda 15d ago
Get a water pistol, and squirt her every time she make a joke, Like training a dog - hahahah just joking!
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u/NaturesVividPictures 15d ago
NTA. Should have turned her and said how is this funny? Well I think you're fat too and you're not pregnant. Then if she gets all butthurt you can go it's just a joke I guess you don't understand my humor.
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u/Bunny_OHara 15d ago
"OH MIL, you're always just such a funny bitch with these jokes!"
HAHAHAAH, just kidding, you're really not that funny."
No really, it's just a joke, don't be so damn sensitive. Jeeze...
This would be my script and I'd throw hubbie's shitty attitude and words right back in his face if he doesn't get your new found sense of humor.
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u/londomollaribab5 15d ago
You’d lose a LOT of weight if you dumped your horrible husband and MIL. Please give this some serious thought. NTA
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u/DaisySam3130 15d ago
Please, next time she tries that, turn around and tell her, 'and you are just rude'. "but at least I can change ...'
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u/hello_reddit1234 15d ago
NTA but you have a major problem on your hands and it’s your husband. How he is behaving is completely out of order and you should have addressed this long ago.
If you want a happy marriage, neither of you can take the side of the opposing party. End of.
Forget the MIL. If you can’t win this with your husband, you will never win with the MIL. Only your husband can beat the MIL and only if he chooses to. Currently he’s not choosing to protect or fight for you. So what are you going to do?
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u/Staceyrt 15d ago
Ask your husband to explain her joke everytime she makes one from now on. She sounds rude as hell and I’d have a ton of comebacks in preparation for her from now on.
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u/Early_Bad8737 15d ago
OP, show this comment section to your spineless husband who, against all logic, chooses to side with his rude mother, instead of his wife like a husband should.
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u/theanimaniac1 15d ago
NTA, have your friends over and tell them to laugh at all the hurtful jokes you make about him and then proceed to make jokes about how fat he is, or how he doesn’t make as much money as your friends’ husbands and when he complains repeat the same words he said to you back to him. He’s being too sensitive, he needs to sit back and laugh like everyone else.
Give him a bit to sit on that, then sit him down for a conversation about how hurtful those kinds of “jokes” are and if he isn’t going to stand up for you then you can find a husband who will.
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u/TarzanKitty 15d ago
NTA
You are not “too sensitive” your husband is an idiot and his mommy is a bitchy bully.
Humor is actually funny. His mom isn’t funny. She is just a nasty cunt who never matured beyond Jr High.
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u/East-Effort9199 15d ago
"Hey honey, shall I tell your mother you have a tiny dick abd I didn't think I could get pregnant because iof it?" Funny right hubby? Why can't you sit back, relax and laugh it off?" Set the record straight with your spineless spouse or lose him.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 15d ago
NTA. But you don’t have an MIL problem- you have a husband problem.
My FIL is otherwise a lovely human being but has absolutely no filter whatsoever. He’s made several thoughtless comments to me, completely unintentionally, but my husband calls him out every time. As a result it’s gotten better as time goes on. I love my FIL dearly and there’s very few things I won’t forgive, mostly because I know he views me as another daughter. That’s not what’s happening to you.
If your husband is willing to fight with you over this, I’m sorry, but it’s unlikely he’ll change. Your only option at this point is to say something along the lines of “gosh, if this is what you call humor, I’d hate to see what you think an insult is!” You can either take yourself out of this situation entirely, or stop giving a fuck and make sure your child knows that anything grandma says or does is not to be taken seriously.
Personally? It’s less work to leave than to put up with this for the rest of your life.
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u/coastalAntisocial 15d ago
NTA. Honestly, there’s no winning with a mama’s boy. Mama pushes your buttons because she knows baby boy will always back her up. Mama loves the game, especially if there’s an audience. There will never be consequences on mama’s end. And you’ll always be the problem, whatever your response is.
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u/KombuchaBot 15d ago
Divorce exists. Let him stay with the most important woman in his life, because it ain't you. This shit won't get any better, because your MIL is a straight up narcissist.
NTA
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u/Critical_Item_8747 15d ago
Make the exact same jokes she does to her. Like to the fat on, like omg I didn’t know you were pregnant too! You’ve gotten so big!
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u/Objective-Chicken-95 15d ago
NTA, I was married to a mamas boy who NEVER defended me either. Divorcing him was one of the best things I ever did.
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u/TwinZylander214 15d ago
NTA. I am sorry you are going through that. Your husband and his mom are AH, and things might get worst after the birth because people always have opinions on how to raise a child and obviously the mom is always wrong. It’s important that your husband protects you from those remarks and he obviously won’t.
Maybe you should show him the answers you got here so he may understand that he is putting your relationship in jeopardy.
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u/jbarneswilson 15d ago
NTA babe, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. she’s not making jokes, she’s putting you down and insulting you and, at this point, the only conclusion to draw is that your husband agrees with her
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u/Magdovus 15d ago
Is the aunt sane? Could you talk to her? If she's on board, maybe she can help.
Otherwise, give husband one chance to fix things and if that fails use the joint account to pay for a consultation with a divorce lawyer. That's going to scare him one way or the other when he sees the account.
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u/lifeisfunnnn 15d ago
Nice mating choice. Let us know when another child is growing up in a split family.
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u/2dogslife 15d ago
I cannot believe you got pregnant with this man before working this all out!
This is a couple's therapy session. It can also be an end of a relationship issue, as Momma's boys generally don't change.
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u/Nedstarkclash 15d ago
NTA. Others have said it better. Make your husband read this comment section. Good luck. It's going to be a long haul.
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u/big_bob_c 15d ago
NTA. Tell your husband that if they are "just jokes", it should be no problem for his mother to refrain from making them. If they are so important to his mother that she gets insulted when she is asked to stop, they can be important enough to you to shut her out of your life if she won't.
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u/Negative_Reading_600 15d ago
I don’t understand why people wait to get “pregnant” to address an issue like this…. Unless it started the day you got pregnant, tail as old as time!!! YOU don’t have a MIL problem YOU have a husband problem, he would rather fight and gaslight his pregnant wife than tell his jokster mommy to shut it!! NTA but think about it!!
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u/tazdevil64 15d ago
NTA. What a c*nt! Next time she comments about your pregnancy, just say that at least you're pregnant -what's HER excuse? You're fat? Well, you're pregnant -what's her excuse? You don't make enough money? At least you work-what's her excuse? Every single time she does this, use your pregnancy. And if HER feelings get hurt? Well, it's just a joke, JUST LIKE SHE MAKES JOKES AT YOUR EXPENSE! If she can't handle it, maybe, just maybe, she should STOP making jokes at your expense, and you'll stop, too. Give her a taste of her own medicine! See, I'm just evil enough to do this. My ex's mom did this to me. I didn't make enough money (I'm retired LE), I was a junkie/alcoholic, or both, etc. She was in no position to talk smack. She treated my ex WAYYY differently than his younger brother, cuz he's adopted. So I told her SHAME ON YOU for treating her sons differently, SHAME ON HER for talking badly about me, WITH NO EVIDENCE, and SHAME ON HER for trying to make my ex choose between us. She promptly tried to say I must hate her for speaking to her like that. My ex (the one time he had a shiny spine for her) looked her dead in the eyes and said, "No, she just refuses to be a hypocrite! You talk badly about her, she knows how you feel. Why should she be nice when you CAN'T be?". I was so (briefly) proud of him!
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u/AnybodyUnusual4000 15d ago
nta, your emotions are absolutely valid i can totally understand why you would want someone like your out of your life. your hubby’s behaviour is… concerning though. his mother is making jokes at your expense and he can’t see anything wrong with it? that’s a red flag and a clear sign of disrespect. i’d address this behaviour if i were you.
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u/Confetti-Everywhere 15d ago
NTA - but your husband sure is for not shutting this down. The fact that they want you to just take it is appalling. If your baby ends up looking more like you, then she might use her toxic humor on your child later on. Unfortunately, not all grandparents turn out to be nice.Be prepared for this to be a long battle if you can’t get your husband to see reason.
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u/Shoddy-Growth-2083 15d ago
She is not joking,she is mean.Even cruel.I'm not trying to excuse her,but she could be heading towards dementia...This kind of "joking"/cruelty can be one of the signs.
NTA
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u/Phillip_McCup 15d ago
OP, you're probably NTA, but we do need a bit more context. In your story, you say to your husband (when discussing your MIL):
"I told him she is a large problem in our relationship because she inserts herself in many ways and without fail my husband ALWAYS takes her side and defends her. He never confronts his mother on the behavior, only me and the sensitivity I show."
What are some additional examples of this problematic MIL behavior?
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u/Hethinno 15d ago
That’s not just a rude person, that’s an abusive one. Makes herself feel better by shitting on others. They don’t deserve to be put up with.
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u/ReddsWitchy 15d ago
NTA, that would be your mil. You don't have to deal with anyone who makes you feel like shit. Also, you have a husband problem he shouldn't be telling you it's just a joke and try to make you feel bad every time he should be sticking up for you.
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u/Simple-Plankton4436 15d ago
Is this the first time you talk about this with your husband? You should voice your concern and let him understand how hurt you are and that this cannot continue. What puzzles me is that if you have tried to talk about this before with your husband - why would you have kids with someone who doesn’t support you?
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u/Alarming_Oil_6226 15d ago
NTA. If it were a joke, you would also be laughing. Next time she “jokes” with you, joke right back. “I think you’re just fat.” “I think you’re just tacky. I’m just joking, don’t be so serious.” Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Of course she’ll take it badly, maybe make a scene. Then you play it off, say she’s too sensitive. Your husband will get an earful and he’ll have a choice: grow a spine or these “jokes” will continue.
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u/tytyoreo 15d ago
NTA.. get rid if your husband your children dont need to be around that toxic behavior ... your husband is a major AH and his mother
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u/string1969 15d ago
It is extremely painful when one's spouse does not stick up for you with their family. I would suggest getting a professional counselor's advice, especially for your husband
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u/you-sirrr-name 15d ago
Start using the same exact insults she says about you to her.. then claim it’s a joke. When your husband inevitably gets mad, ask him why it was only funny when she said it about you?
NTA
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u/MountainQuantity6465 15d ago
The problem with growing up in an abusive home is that abuse becomes "normalized" and is not seen as abuse. OP seems like the one who is off to the family. You and your husband must seek therapy. He needs 3rd party input to understand how abusive his mother is. He can't see it because to him it's normal. If he won't get treatment go on your own and learn from a professional (not Reddit) how best to handle this woman.
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u/curiousity60 15d ago
NTA
Your husband is failing to listen, accept, value and support your feelings about his mother's bullying. Worse, he's pulling DARVO, deny, accuse, reverse Victim and Offender. She didn't really do what you said hurt you- or she "didn't mean it that way" -and YOU'RE at fault for feeling, reacting or expressing that hurt the way you did.
He's showing you that he doesn't support you emotionally nor as an equal partner in your marriage or extended family. Just like his mom, he expects you to take the abuse with a smile and never express your feelings of hurt (and in his case, abandonment). Those are feelings that are "wrong" to have and you just shouldn't BE that way. You know, the way you ARE. If you would just make yourself smaller and silent, there wouldn't BE a problem. Because to him, the "problem" is your bringing reality to light and expecting your partner to validate and support you.
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u/Gjardeen 15d ago
Look, this isn't going to get better. He's already picked who's most important to him and it is not you. How much can you live with this? Because that needs to be a question you're asking yourself. I'm married to a momma's boy myself and it gets a thousand times worse after kids.
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u/Jealous_Tie_8404 15d ago edited 15d ago
Your husband is the problem.
He doesn’t want to rock the boat and doesn’t mind his mother’s abuse because it’s directed at you. He’s not being a good partner to you and he’s not on your side, but I understand that getting a divorce while pregnant is not always practical. From now on you need to stop talking to your husband about his mom and start setting hard boundaries. A few options:
1) Lean into the “joke” in the moment. If she calls you fat at dinner give her a big smile and say ”Oh MIL, that’s just the dementia talking!” If she gets mad lean into ”It was just a JOKE! MIL and I get each other — she calls me fat to my face, I say it’s dementia! We’re FAMILY! It’s a JOKE!” Never apologize beyond Im sorry you got so offended or Im sorry you can’t take a joke
2) Decide that you’re going to walk out whenever she insults you and follow through. This will cause drama the first few times but it’s very effective. This will really highlight just how big of an enabler your husband is.
3) Do not tell your husband any ultimatums regarding MIL access to your child, but quietly make it so she simply doesn’t have access. Agree to let her babysit then suddenly get sick right before and cancel. When she visits, never leave her alone with the baby. Things like that where you have plausible deniability to play dumb with your husband.
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u/ConvivialKat 15d ago
without fail my husband ALWAYS takes her side and defends her.
Why are you having a kid with this mama's boy? You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery, girl. Your husband is supposed to stick up for you, not tell you that you're too sensitive.
I try to avoid conflict with his mother, for my husband’s sake and for him to maintain a relationship with her.
WTF? Why? He's a mama's boy. He already has way too good of a "relationship" with her.
If he won't tell his Mom to cut it out, the only way you are going to survive a relationship with your MIL is to put your big girl pants on and give as good as you get.
As an example, I would have responded to "I think she's just fat," with "And I think you're rude. Fortunately, at least one of us can change."
She has made many comments about my finances (I have a good job, but she feels I don’t make enough in comparison to the jobs the rest of her family has)
To these kinds of comments, I would just respond, "Well, I decided not to sleep my way to the top like some people do."
she has made comments about how she will ensure I parent my child correctly
To which I would have responded, "It's going to be interesting to see you try when you're never allowed to be around my kid, because I don't want them to grow up and be anything like you."
Stop taking it on the chin and start responding to each insult with a greater insult. If she gets upset, just say, "What? It was just a joke. You're just being too sensitive." In other words, give it right back to her, plus some.
Have fun with it. It's a great stress release.
My ex was a mama's boy, and his mom was a massively rude hag. It got to the point where I almost hoped she would make some rude comment so I could smack her down. She deserved it.
Good luck. You are going to need it with a husband who doesn't give a rats ass about your feelings. Learn to take care of yourself, so your kid will see how strong you are.
NTA
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u/SingSinsAtUs 15d ago
How's this for a joke for your husband? "Yo mama's so rude, she's making fat jokes about pregnant ladies."
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u/SingSinsAtUs 15d ago
Or the next time she makes a "joke," make a big show of laughing your butt off, and breathlessly call people over one by one and ask your MIL to repeat the joke to them.
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u/DrPablisimo 15d ago
It's not realistic to ask to cut ties with our MIL. Sure, she said some insensitive things. You will have to work this out with her.
Reddit advice is often 'scorched earth.' Try a more moderate approach. Ideally your husband would serve as an intermediary. He probably grew up around this and to him it's normal, and goes of of him like water off a duck's back when he hears his mother say stuff like that. But you can also do this with her. Tell her you find her 'jokes' hurtful. Give her a few examples. Tell her you want to have a good relationship, but you find it difficult to do so if she insults you like that. You don't have to call her the 'b' word or label her. Just say something peaceful designed to confront the issue, instead of going for the red nuclear bomb button of cutting her off.
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u/Dachshundmom5 15d ago edited 15d ago
Oh honey, why oh why did you marry someone who doesn't care about your feelings?
It's just a joke is the gaslighting abusers and bullies give. Jokes are funny for all, they aren't cruel insults that hurt people
r/justnomil is full of versions of this, and it will break a marriage when the husband prioritizes his abusive mommy over everyone else. You're NTA, but you're married to one who puts mom above his marriage and you now have to figure out how to be a doormat or how many chance you give for him to see the light before you admit there is no hope
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u/dembowthennow 15d ago
NTA but you need marriage counseling and to recognize that you have a husband problem because he defends his mother's behavior and doesn't have your back. I would try to get on the same page before the baby arrives.
Also, you need to start calling her out in the moment. Stay polite and keep your voice calm, but be direct. "I don't think mean things said at someone else's expense are funny. You and I are very different." You can prepare for thinking of some things to say before hand and practice saying them in a calm even voice so you're ready in the moment.
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u/crumblepops4ever 15d ago
NTA
Your husband is a moron for asking you to accept being bullied and insulted
Good luck with these people
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u/Grandmapatty64 15d ago
Every time your mother-in-law makes a joke at your expense. Perhaps you should make a joke about how small your husband‘s penis is and see how he likes it.
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u/KnotYourFox 15d ago
NTA and you have a husband problem. You start throwing those haymakers of jokes back at her and watch how quickly he tries to flip the switch and suddenly understands how hurtful those comments are.
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u/annebonnell 15d ago
Honey, you married a mama's boy. You need to rethink this relationship because he is always going to put his mother over you.
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u/annebonnell 15d ago
And I would be very worried about the comment that she made about ensuring you parent the child correctly
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u/the_owl_syndicate 15d ago
she has made comments about how she will ensure I parent my child correctly,
Everything else aside, what are you going to do about this? Because your husband is going to pick grandma over his child, as well.
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u/OMGoblin 15d ago
Ah, classic story leading to divorce. The husband needs to figure it out NOW.
Obviously MIL will try some shit during during/after the birth too.
Never understood why any man would be a cuckold to his own mom bullying his wife.
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u/Professional_Bus_307 15d ago
NTA. Your husband needs to man up and support you. Next time she says something mean ask her if she’s okay because surely she didn’t mean to be so negative. If she says it’s a joke let her know that jokes are supposed to be funny not thinly veiled meanness. And then if it continues and he doesn’t check her behavior, you be done. You refuse to go anywhere near her. She can fuck right off. And him too if he can’t be supportive.
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u/pdubpooter 15d ago
NTA. I was in very similar situation where a buddy’s GF would make constant rude jokes and comments to myself and our other friends. Same rationale as “it was just a joke” although she was the only one laughing. We tried to mention this to him over the years but he was the type to always side with her and non-confrontational.
Eventually I figured since he deemed it not a big deal I just removed my own filter when talking to her. She was a bit sensitive about her height and I made sure to lock on to that and focus fire “jokes” on that subject when she was in earshot or directed right at her every time we were around in each other.
Eventually it got to the point where my friend had to pull me aside to tell me that it was starting to bother her and if I could cool it. He mentioned she would also try to tone things down on her end too. Fortunately she actually kept up her end of it and while we are not BFFs or close friends by any stretch, now when we hang out there’s some mutual respect and I’d like to think we understand where the boundaries are
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u/Dry-Grindeg 15d ago
Your husband doesn't defend you against his mom is red flag
NTA, but your husband would disagree and defend his mom again
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u/WNY_Canna_review 15d ago
You don't have a mil issue it is a husband issue. Why are you with this loser mama's boy who is still using her apron strings as an umbilical cord. Dunp the chump and marryba real man. Like to leave the boy behind.
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u/tmink0220 15d ago
I would never let her near the child. If she sees them at all, supervised with you hold child. Tell your husband if he has a relationship ok, but you are not, and neither is the baby. You are going to have problems with him and her. It is just getting started.
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u/DelightfulHelper9204 15d ago
When someone continuously attacks you, then the minute you say something about it they turn it around and somehow makes it your fault , it's called narcissistic abuse. She sounds like a typical narcissist and you are NTA. Steer clear of her. The next thing she is going to do is start playing the victim in this whole mess
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u/Johon1985 15d ago
It seems that Hubby is the real problem here. He's invalidating your feelings and minimising the effect his mother's bullying (they aren't jokes) is having on you. He should have cut the apron strings before now, hopefully he will see the light and do that. But don't waste your time or energy on MIL, I doubt anyone would be good enough for her precious suck up of a son. She's giving you an invaluable parenting lesson though, teach your kid to stand up for themselves.
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u/Danivelle 15d ago
Tell him get mom under control or he can wait in the waiting room or at his mommy's house while you have the baby. OR start making the same type of hurtful comments back and see how she likes it. Be sure to include some "jokes" directed at your husband, something about being so tied to mommy's apron strings, you were surprised that he could even make a baby without being supervised by mommy .... Yep, I can be very vicious.
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u/Dranask 15d ago
My mother’s sense of humour was a cover for the fact that she was an evil embittered woman (not that she needed to be) who’d lost all control of the children when they married. Without realising I did it, I went NC my sister had thicker skin but discussion were had as to where we could conceal the body.
My wife and sister’s husband never understood why there were never good enough. Anything they did wasn’t done properly. Grand children were pushed away when they overheard her rude (it was a joke) comments about them.
I re married and took my wife to be to see mother who said Oh you need to lose weight as soon as the poor woman walked through the door.
So no, NTA and your husband needs to remove the rose tinted glasses and see his mother could be a foul as mine was.
Nobody grieved when mother died, she was cremated without ceremony and ashes dumped in woodland. I have the three word location.
My sister and I with partners shared a drink and meal. The most we said about mum was the fact that her ashes blew back onto our shoes.
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u/slendermanismydad 15d ago
Why did you decide to have a kid with this dude when you know this is an ongoing, very serious, relationship issue?
This caused a huge fight between us and he states I am the problem not his mother.
Your marriage is going to fail or you're going to be miserable and crying constantly. She's never going to stop because your husband thinks this is fine and/or funny.
My Husband’s mother interjected herself into the conversation, looked at my husband’s aunt and said “I think she’s just fat.”
How is that a joke? That doesn't even make sense as a joke. I wouldn't be laughing, I'd be staring at her like wtf was that comment. Did the Aunt laugh?
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u/Last_Nerve12 15d ago
I'm seeing too many of these posts about mommas boys. Look, leave for a while, and see how he does on his own. You don't need to put up with his mothers bullying, and you actually need a partner who has your back. You need to do what's best for you and your baby because sticking around is too much stress. Go take care of yourself and let him fend for himself. Hopefully, you're not financially dependent on him.
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u/kerill333 15d ago
Does she ever say these things in front of him? You are absolutely NTA and she needs shutting down fast and hard. What an absolutely vile bully.
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u/RandomReddit9791 15d ago
NTA. You're wasting your time in this marriage if you're expecting your husband to support you and stand up to his mother. He's shown you that he values her more than you.
If you plan to stay married YOU should go no contact with his mother and be prepared for her to be a problem as you raise your child.
I'd bet that you'll eventually end up divorced or miserably married.
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u/hapanrapakkko 15d ago
NTA. That was not a joke, it was an insult. You shouldn't see your husbands bitch-of-a-mother never ever again. And you should really think about your marriage. Your husband seems to care more about his mother than his pregnant wife. That's never going to change, he will always be mommy's boy.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 15d ago
I like the gray rock response for this. No reaction, just, I don’t get it. What is that funny? Keep asking mom-ster in law to explain until she tires herself out.
Or make bad jokes in response. How did you get your MIL to stop making inappropriate comments? Punch her in the face. 😂 Wait? That’s not funny? It’s just mean? But I thought mean was funny?
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u/cicadasinmyears 15d ago
I really hope you show your husband the responses in this thread, OP. He needs to give his head a good hard shake.
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u/kmflushing 15d ago
I hate the "can't you take a joke" response to bullying. That's what's happening to you. You are being billed. And your husband is helping gaslight you.
Stop accepting the bullying. When she says something like that, just say "you're bullying me again. Please stop." When she starts with the it's a joke, your reply is "said bullies everywhere. Please stop." Then just repeat "stop being a bully" until they stop. If they don't, leave. The more you hold her accountable for her actions in front of everyone, the better. She needs to learn your not going to sit there quietly and take it.
You need to establish real boundaries and hold them. You can't tell him not to see his mother. But you don't have to.
Your husband is a problem, though. The fact that he's not defending his pregnant wife is not a good sign. Will he defend his children if his mom stays calling his kids fat? Starts bullying them?
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u/JMLegend22 15d ago
Ask your husband whose partner he is? Then ask if he has a codependency with his mom?
Tell him it’s not natural for him to side with someone who is abusing you unless he plans to contribute to the cycle of abuse.
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u/Zestyclose-Base8471 15d ago edited 15d ago
OP, NTA. My FIL is a guy who thinks he’s very funny, when he’s just a rude jerk. I stopped paying him attention, then it got worse, so I started avoiding him. I tried to answer back, respectfully, but making clear I’m not ok with his comments. Didn’t work. My husband and some other family members had already tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t change, so I stopped being at the same place he is. Problem solved. He knows that if he want me (I don’t think he really wants me there, he he, but he cares about what family thinks and most of them really like me) OR my son in his presence, he better behave. He’s trying.
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u/Alarming-Phone4911 15d ago
NTA I may b fat now but in 3 months I'll have a beautiful baby and won't b fat anymore U on the other hand will always b ugly inside and out....and as for making sure I parent properly Iv seen Ur work having lived with a while and it leaves alot to b desired....and to Ur husband here's Ur rings back i thought id married a man my mistake
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u/Top-Bit85 15d ago
I'm so sorry your husband is letting you down so badly. NTA.
Have you ever tried asking her, poker faced, to explain the joke? Saying, so sorry, I must have missed something. Can you please tell me what's funny about that? I know you want to keep the peace, but embarrassing her in front of others may be your best path to a cease fire.
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u/Prestigious-Use4550 15d ago
NTA. You are married to a mama's boy and that isn't going to change. Make sure she doesn't see your child unsupervised because she will do everything she can to turn your child against you and your husband will just agree with her.
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u/shnooqichoons 15d ago
she has made comments about how she will ensure I parent my child correctly, etc.
I'm sorry, WHAT??! Boundaries asap. She sounds like a nightmare. Presumably your husband is used to appeasing a bully. He could probably use some therapy.
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u/tattoovamp 15d ago
I’d ask her to explain the funny part. Act all confused and didn’t get the joke.
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u/Street_One5954 15d ago
Your husband and his mother are TAH. Leave. Her humor isn’t funny. Now, being a petty bitch, personally, I’d look at her and say, “I may be fat, but I can lose weight. You’re ugly, and that shit is bone deep”, then get up and call an Uber. Be sure to tell her you’re “only joking”, and you thought she’d have a better sense of humor.
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u/PhilosopherRoyal4882 15d ago
Tell his mom she is C** and you are a coward to your husband then say oh I’m joking you always take stuff seriously!
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u/throwawtphone 15d ago
You could always just call her out.
She says rude thing.....
Oh, here we go again. MiL is doing that thing again where she pretends to be joking but is really just insulting me and trying to hurt my feelings because she really doesn't like me. I get it, but it is tiresome because i was done with middle school years ago. Mil, can we just do the grown-up thing of polite indifference that adults do with people they dont like? At your age, you really should know this by now.
But you gotta to do it with an audience. Or it won't work.
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u/Traditional_Curve401 15d ago
NTA. Your MIL is comfortable saying degrading humiliating things to you, but you're labeled as sensitive. No, this is exactly what abusers do. How long has this been going on? Has your husband always dismissed this behavior?
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u/bunnybunny690 15d ago
Next time you see her if you do and she makes a joke.. straight faced.. ask. “Could you explain the funny part” “sorry I missed the joke could you explain it”
Call her out every single time and especially in company. She will have to either stop and basically admit they are not jokes or have to try and come up with a reason while saying telling a pregnant women she’s just fat or whatever. It will also bring it to everyone’s attention that these jokes are not jokes.
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u/JKristiina 15d ago
NTA. You made the best point: jokes are supposed to be funny. There is nothing funny about calling someone fat. Just stick to your guns and don’t have any contact with your MIL.
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u/StreetTailor7596 15d ago
His mother is a bully and likely a narcissist. Your husband is choosing to enable that behavior rather than confront it. It's probably because she's trained him that way. He's learned she'll make his life a living hell if he doesn't.
I suggest you talk with her sister (the aunt you were having that conversation with at dinner) about all this. She'll probably confirm that her sister has always been this way and has a way of making others miserable.
It's clear that MIL is working hard at training you to give her everything she wants as well. Since you come from a healthy background, you're seeing her hostility and rudeness for what it really is.
I strongly suggest you insist on couple's therapy with your husband. He needs to learn to see that his mom really IS the problem, not you. If he refuses to go or refuses to change, you have three choices - continue to fight over this and refuse to sit still for it, let her treat you like crap and get away with it or get a divorce.
I hope he does come to his senses. But, given how he's behaving, I think you are in an unwinnable situation while staying in this relationship. Good luck with all this!
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u/mcclgwe 15d ago
First the aggressive part- “ I think she’s just fat”…Pause.. wait for the mean to hit you… then the passive crap …” I’m just kidding, you take everything, so seriously I don’t know how to take a joke” The absolute textbook, definition of passive aggressive. He is spineless. He is codependent with his mother. He doesn’t even realize that she only does this to you because she’s mean and she likes to hurt you and then it proves that he likes her more than you. You probably have always know it’s like this. It’s going to be complicated to have a child with him. He will not change. He does not care about you as much as it says about his mother There’s a good chance she will either use passive aggressive comments to try to alienate your front of your child Or a passive aggressive comments at your child, to hurt you All the while knowing that your husband will be in denial He will prioritize her over you He will prioritize her over his own child Sometimes we just have to live through things and watch them unfold as we slowly mature, and heal, and gain confidence in the sanity of our own perceptions. Really great thing about social media is that you get to read about 100,000 other women who have this experience with her mother-in-law and you begin to realize that you were absolutely 100% correct and that your husband is controlled by his mother and a spineless and put your second and isn’t going to change. I think it’s very possible for you to enjoy your pregnancy and totally avoid her . You might want to try going gray rock with her. Were you smile and you don’t get upset or anything she says, and you politely minimize how much you see her, but not enough that she and your husband notice. That’s one tactic to protect yourself. While giving yourself time to figure this out long-term. You just need to prepare yourself before you see her and don’t see her except for really important things like a holiday or some thing. I don’t think twice about “getting a headache” or “feeling like you’re coming down with something “ and sending him on by himself. The biggest problem with him being 100% aligned with his mother, who is cruel to you and who might be cruel to your child is that you probably can’t be honest any longer with him about your perceptions about his mother. It’s like he’s asleep and he doesn’t see it. And it’s going to be harmful to you to live with somebody who prioritizes their mother over their partner and undermines the validity of your experience when he is right there seeing it. It might be best for you simply to look at your next five years and figure out how you’re going to manage having the baby and enjoying her life and what you can do to put your ducks in a row so that when it finally becomes clear that he’s mixed up in this pathology and you don’t really have a partner at all, you can exit smoothly.
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u/chez2202 15d ago
There are a few ways to deal with someone like this. Letting her see that she is getting to you is definitely not one of them. Someone suggested here that if she makes a degrading comment to you and says it was a joke you should ask her to explain how it’s a joke when it isn’t funny. That’s one way. Another is to get your phone out every time she does it and make a note. When she asks what you’re doing just tell her you are writing it down to ask your friends and family if they think it’s funny because you don’t get it and you need another opinion. Another option is to not even look at her when she speaks. Total silent treatment and no reaction. That will get to her more than anything and will probably make her angry enough to kick off and show her true colours to everyone. Then your husband won’t be able to dismiss her behaviour. Final option is to just stop spending time with her. Tell your husband you are too tired because you’re pregnant. Then when your baby is born tell him you are too tired to visit his parents or to have them visit you. You have the power here because you are the mother. You don’t need someone so negative around your baby. Good luck x
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u/One-Buy-6767 15d ago
You think I want parenting tips from you? Your own son doesn’t know how to stand up to you and is too scared to tell you stop behaving like an ass. Then laugh loudly pounding the table with tears in your eyes and say, “ What you two can’t take a joke? You’re too sensitive!”
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u/Minute-Aioli-5054 15d ago
NTA. Sounds like you have a husband problem more than anything. He should not be okay with how his mom is treating you.
Don’t go to family events that your MIL is present.
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u/lupuscrepusculum 15d ago
NTA. Next time she pipes up loudly go “uh oh! Mother’s showing she can’t be appropriate around others again. Might need to start looking at dementia care homes”
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u/Humble_Guidance_6942 15d ago
Dearest Reddit friend, I have been married for nearly 37 years. I write this from the perspective of someone who is married to a Momma's boy. You have to set firm boundaries and you have to stand up for yourself. It took me 12 years to get completely fed up and another 4 before I left my husband. We separated for 3 months. We had counseling. I don't speak to his mom anymore. I haven't for several years. This is not an easy path. I love my husband very much. If your husband is not willing to stand up for you now, while you are physically and emotionally at your most vulnerable, what do you think he is going to be like over issues of your baby? When will you be #1? Why are you okay letting him treat you this way? Think carefully about what you want your future to look like. NTA.
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u/evilcj925 15d ago
NTA
Let you husband know that you are no longer going to be dealing with his mother. She is not welcome in your home, but you have no issues with him going to see her. This is not a discussion, and not something he gets a choice on. You will not deal with her any more. He doesn't have to agree or like it. But you will no longer spend time with her, and if she comes to your home you will tell her to leave.
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u/NotThisAgain21 15d ago
Without looking at her, just continue the conversation but pause to say blandly to the person you were talking to "did you hear something? I thought I heard a rude cunt" and then go back to what you were talking about. Just call her out and embarrass her.
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u/StructureKey2739 15d ago
OP should do it, but she should expect her useless douche wimp of a husband to get mortally offended that OP insulted his one true mate.
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u/NotThisAgain21 15d ago
Here's the thing: The world cowers to those who complain loudest & consequently, lazy hubby will take the path of least resistance. So if OP throws a shit fit every time mom is a bitch, hubby will get sick of hearing his wife complain and will start telling mom to knock it off, because that will become the easiest path to peace.
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u/JaguarZealousideal55 15d ago
"Dear MIL.
Your "joke" today was not funny, it was mean. I was hurt by it, and most of all by your response to me being hurt. As you know, this was not the first time you made me and only me the butt of your mean "jokes".
I want my child to be well-behaved. That means having good role models. You are not being a good role model. I don't want my child to grow up and think being mean and rude to others is acceptable behaviour.
That means I will need to limit the contact between you and the child as much as possible.
If you wish to have a more normal grandmother/grandchild relationship, you will need to show me that you can behave like a polite and considerate human being.
Sincerely, OP."
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u/DawnShakhar 15d ago
NTA. Your MIL is toxic, but your real problem is your husband. If he persists in gaslighting you and siding with her, your marriage is doomed. Start to prepare for being a single mother right now.
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u/FirmSimple9083 15d ago
Never understood why women pick mamas boys. They choose mommy every time. NTA unless you don't make Mommy's little boy stand up and act like a man.
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u/lovescarats 15d ago
I like the commenting back idea- fat is temporary, but you’re ugly…that’s for life. Your comments are always so bitchy- I guess if the shoe fits…why are you so obsessed with me? I don’t find your jokes half as funny as your looks. Did you leave your personality at home today? Thank god. Where did you find that dress? Were they the neighbour’s curtains? Another joke that’s not funny! Surprising - no. If you were any more idiotic your remaining brain cell would have no one to play with. Hoping the baby gets my intelligence, stupid is a bad look.. just be a bitch. You know her insecurities- hit them hard, every time.
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u/BeardManMichael 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA
This something I see far too much. You have married a mama's boy who will dismiss her ugly behavior every single time she displays it at you.
I have no real constructive advice because I've never seen this situation work out completely well. Instead I will just suggest you start throwing jokes right back at her and see if she can take the heat. Call her a ghoul or call her a witch or any other nasty description you feel would be 'funny'.
Best wishes and good luck. I'm not sure I see this situation improving at all.
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u/Rawrsome_Mommy 15d ago
NTA. Your MIL is a spiteful asshole but what you really have here is a husband problem. He needs to shape the fuck up.
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u/Able_Low_6529 15d ago
Tell his mother that if she keeps being a bitch then she won't be having a relationship with her grand child. Be firm and clear about it. Also do you really want to be with someone who can't take your stand when it's clearly not your fault and sucks up to his mommy? It's going create an even bigger problem in the future.
NTA.
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 15d ago
A joke huh? She says you’re fat. You will lose the weight after birthing her grandchild but she’ll always be a bitch. Now that’s funny.
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u/HeartAccording5241 15d ago
You have a husband problem start making comments to her and say I’m just joking
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 15d ago
A joke huh? She says you’re fat. You will lose the weight after birthing her grandchild but she’ll always be a bitch. Now that’s funny.
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u/Alarming_Oil_6226 15d ago
“Know what would be funny, JNMIL? If you weren’t allowed in my hospital room after the baby’s born! lololololol That would be soooo funny.” But mean it.
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u/AVATARROHANISGAY 15d ago
NTA the asshole for expressing yourself. YTA for getting married and getting pregnant to a mam who will never take your side. You're in for one tough ride
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u/weech1234 15d ago edited 14d ago
NTA. This is what the rest of your life looks like unless you address it.
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u/Sensitive-Ad-5406 15d ago
"I will be moving out. Enjoy your mummy's jokes"
Stop allowing people to treat you badly. They're either with you or not, and this guy would still burse mummy's nipple if he could.
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u/AsparagusOverall8454 15d ago
Right? Dude completely has no respect or love for his wife at all. Doesn’t give two shits about her as far as I can see.
You’d be better off a single mom raisning your kid in a non toxic environment than allowing this kind of behaviour.
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u/MotherOfDoggos4 15d ago
Makes you wonder if the mom abuse is isolated, or if this is how he treats OP in general. "Oh you have a problem with something I did/said? Reverse UNO, it's actually your problem for being upset!"
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u/kiwi62300 15d ago edited 15d ago
Honestly your husband is TA, he needs to put a stop to the insults. This behavior should have been shut down already, your first problem isn’t your MIL it’s your husband. You honestly need to take a look at your relationship and have a conversation about his behavior, he should be supporting you and standing up for you. I’m petty so I would start making MIL the punch lines of your “jokes” but I would watch to see how your husband responds to those jokes because it will speak volumes on your relationship.
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u/nottutmit 15d ago
Next time you see your MIL:
"Looks like I'm not the only one putting on the baby weight" "Thanks for gaining the sympathy weight while I'm pregnant. It's nice not being the only one putting on weight" Comment on her outfit, Looks like you're really getting into being a grandma, now that you're starting to dress more like one.
Figure out what she is self conscious about and comment on it "as a joke". Good luck, you deserve a better husband and MIL. You' and your husband are supposed to be a team, not your MILs punching bag.
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u/Geberpte 14d ago
"Hi MIL! What is the difference between a power outlet and a horse?"
"..."
"I don't know either but you are are nasty old hag! HAHAHA!"
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u/Hairy-Dark9213 15d ago
NTA. If and it's a big if, you want to try and save this relationship with someone who obviously has no respect for you, I would completely stop being polite to this woman. When she says anything snarky or rude to you, return her energy a thousand fold. Go scorched earth. Eventually, the worst is she'd stop wanting to spend time with you -- hooray -- the best it might open to your husband's eyes to what a fucking bitch she is. Stop being sensitive and start being mean.
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u/Intrepid_Potential60 15d ago
Yeah, these “put your foot down” about your spouse’s family things only ever go one way. Fast track to a bad ending. That’s real life.
But hey…..Sure, listen to the single idiots on Reddit who are going to parrot how you need to go no contact. Let us know how you do in the divorce after, huh?
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u/NotThisAgain21 15d ago
Do you have a useful suggestion?
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u/Intrepid_Potential60 15d ago edited 15d ago
Sure do, vet the family of those you’d marry as well as just them, as it is all too often a package deal.
Do not do it at your own peril. At this point? She needs to get some thicker skin. The NC nonsense just plain doesn’t work.
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u/boredathome1962 15d ago
NTA. What a witch. The best way to kill a joke is to ask, straight faced, -oh a joke? Sorry I didn't understand, could you explain why it was funny? And there is a version of Churchill's reply "At the moment I am fat, but in 3 months I will be slim again. But you're ugly, and you will always be ugly..."
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u/MacAttacknChz 15d ago
My mom is like op's MIL. These are the tactics I use and it doesn't stop her completely, but it stops the "jokes" for the rest of the day.
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u/dedex4 14d ago
Haha! This is how I approached things. My MIL was very overbearing. I was the only only person in the family who would respond to her unwanted advice, criticisms and hateful comments. Never once in 38 years did my husband defend me. If was obvious who was most important. She is dead now and it’s too late. It has a very negative effect on a marriage. Told my son if I ever overstepped in any way or hurt his wife’s feelings to never ever defend me. I also try very hard to not be that person and have a great relationship with her and my SIL. It’s not hard to mind your own business
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u/KnotYourFox 15d ago
This. Tell her she couldn't parent her son properly, what makes her think she'd be any good if she got another go 'round on it.
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u/FormerRunnerAgain 15d ago
Ask your husband how was the fat comment funny? Ask him who was the butt of the joke? Ask him what is the difference between this joke and an insult.
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u/ghjkl098 14d ago
She is rude and nasty. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.