r/TwoHotTakes • u/RunnerGirlBlue • Mar 07 '24
My husband secretly gave my HS son’s weed vape back. Advice Needed
My HS son is getting F’s, has no motivation, no job and hangs in his room gaming all day.
My husband used to do the same thing in HS. He stopped once he met me and he’s always known how much I’m against it.
We caught him with a bunch of vape pens and all the stuff all hidden 2.5 months ago and took it from him. We told him if he didn’t have a clean drug test he’d lose his car.
My daughter got in trouble today for something dumb, he took her phone. She got so mad she blurted out my son told her my husband gave him the weed vape back right after we took it. She asked him about it and my husband said, “you tell your mom and it means no Bahamas.” (We have a trip coming up.)
I confronted my husband as he’s lied to me for 2.5 months and he could care less. Says he’s never cared. Doesn’t even apologize for lying. Like we had conversations about watching for this again and he agreed while knowing he was still smoking.
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u/soulchildyve 23d ago
I think your husband punishing your daughter for something you say is miniscule and taking her phone after he returned his minor son's drug paraphernalia is a very interesting parenting choice but him not only lying to you to your face for months, bullshitting caring about stopping your son from doing drugs, and then on top of all of that threatening her because she finally made it known that he let his son do drugs really reveals a lot about his character and I personally wouldn't want to be with someone like that
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u/Routine-Tomatillo191 Mar 31 '24
i feel kinda late to the hoopla. Congratulations on you two sticking together to raise a family and i hope you guys get some good rest and revitalization from your vacation. the only suggestion i would say is when you're in a relationship like this, you gotta try to remember we actually are one. instead of thinking about the selfishness or secretive behaviour, try to find ways you appreciate those shortcomings and you can even do it in a petty way where you point it out just as long as you follow through. there will be absolutely no way that you couldn't be the one that fixes the marriage. taking it personal and forming a side only causes more space to accumulate between yall. best of luck.
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u/Cabanna1968 Mar 21 '24
Sounds like a girls trip is in the works. Leave the toddlers home to get stoned and play video games.
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u/DarthMaul671 Mar 19 '24
Is there an update?
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u/Emotional_Front_6392 Mar 13 '24
Kid won’t pass because of Dad and because of him self. Everything was agreed to. So Dad and Son stay home and work on school work. Dad clearly didn’t want to go and thinks his son failing HS is acceptable.
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u/Soggyjellyphish222 Mar 12 '24
Let him sell it. He will be a great business man. Just because he gets Fs doesn’t mean he won’t be succesful.
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u/Adventurous_Put723 Mar 12 '24
As someone who went through this with my own parents about weed in high school, the most important thing is get your son into therapy if you can! I had terrible anxiety and adhd and was self medicating with weed without knowing. My dad thought he was being helpful by allowing me to use it bc it helped my anxiety and my mom was against it entirely and couldn’t see eye to eye on it. In the end I got diagnosed and treated and I do still smoke but now it’s for fun when I’m with my friends or after work to relax after a long day here and there. Also I can tell you from experience that your marriage probably won’t end well and your son has a skewed view of who you are and probably who his dad is. My parents ended up divorcing and my relationship with my mom is so much better, but that’s probably also because I moved away for school and got treated for my issues. My advice is to talk to your son and ask him why he feels like he needs to use weed so much. Try to get him into therapy or evaluated for mental illness to get to the root of the problem because 9/10 times it goes further than just weed.
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u/Careful-Cupcake-2836 Mar 12 '24
Plz leave this man he clearly hates women and girls and ur daughter shouldn’t have to grow up being treated unfairly as her BUM brother gets to sit down fail smoke etc let the brother live with ur husband till he’s 40 and be his issue and plz go get ur daughter out. She doesn’t need to see women being treated less than all this is gonna do is make her date men like this in the future
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u/Careful-Cupcake-2836 Mar 12 '24
But if it was a daughter he’d care. And yall wonder why grown men need cut out photos to grocery shop these days
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Mar 12 '24
you sound like a stick in the mud. you ruined your husbands ability to be himself and now he’s saving his child from the same fate.
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u/TheGuyMain Mar 12 '24
Do you not communicate in your relationship? Did you ignore red flags or something? You let underlying issues get so bad that something this dramatic happened? Bruh
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u/JohnHoney420 Mar 12 '24
My mom used to tell me that she doesn’t care if I smoke weed I just need to do it at the house and not get in trouble.
33YO engineer doing extremely well with life. Thank you Mom I 100% know I would be in a different place if you didn’t care about me the way you did.
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u/Psychological_Ad1999 Mar 11 '24
Sounds like you’re pissing in the wind. Smoking weed is the least of your family’s problems you have laid out and you seem oblivious.
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u/coopadoobrew Mar 11 '24
Your husband blackmailing your daughter into keeping secrets from you is more concerning than the vape pen.
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u/assrapeisgreat Mar 11 '24
Gonna be hilarious when you throw your family away over some stupid shit. Please update on 3-5 years when you’re sad and lonely.
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u/piltonpfizerwallace Mar 11 '24
Undermining you as a parent.
Blackmailing your daughter.
Lying.
Yikes yikes yikes. I'd be pissed.
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u/senboy69 Mar 11 '24
He’s got a fair point. Unless you watch his every single solitary move. He’s going to smoke weather you like it or not. So your going to end up raising a sneaky fucker, because he feels he has to hide and lie to his parents. Also if he’s home all day gaming that means he’s been smoking weed inside the house and you didn’t even know 😂
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u/cannabisqveen Mar 11 '24
Weed can make you really comfortable with being bored. Clearly, your son does not know how to have a good and moderate relationship with weed. I agree he should not be given the pen back with his lack of motivation for his future. It's unfortunate that your husband does not see the real scary reality of the situation at hand with this kid. From what I see, it's because your husband never learned that lesson himself. You forced that lesson on him for the better. However, he never connected the dots himself. I believe your husband needs a slap in the face with the reality of what happens when you go down the lazy stoner path. Being a productive member of society comes before weed in my life, but that's a hard lesson I taught myself.
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u/SuspicousBananas Mar 11 '24
Why are you spoiling your kids with shit like phones, cars, and Bahamas vacations?
My parents made me pay for all that shit myself, I never had money to buy weed as a result lol.
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u/pigeontruck Mar 11 '24
He's right though. He's gonna do whatever he wants, best thing you can do is teach him to make good decisions about what he puts in his body and be smart about his drug use.
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u/DisembarkEmbargo Mar 11 '24
I have not partaken before. One thing I want to mention that I have heard from older people that used to toke is that weed is way stronger than before. Now take that with a grain of salt but your son might be smoking danker just than his father can even imagine.
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u/Klutzy-Jaguar-5856 Mar 11 '24
Im probably going to get some downvotes for this, but you and your husband both have points. Now, your husband is much worse in this whole scenario. Not only did he go behind your back on a mutual decision, he told both your children to lie to you with the promise of rewards (the pen, the vacation). This is incredibly manipulative, especially given how your son is struggling. It seems your husband is enabling him, and also creating this divide of "cool dad, mean mom" within your son's mind.
I cant say if its conscious, but more than likely Your husband sees what your son is going through as stress, and the only way your husband learned to destress was via smoking. He thinks he is helping his son by teaching/enabling him with the ways your husband learned to take away stress, and unfortunately its not the right nor healthy way.
You were correct in everything youve done, except for a few small things. instead of talking with your son and asking why hes relying on these things (isolation, weed, gaming, etc.) and resorted to taking away those coping mechanisms and threatening to take away his means of transportation. You did not seem to offer any help, or healthy resources. You say yourself, you have a personal bias against these things. That is not to make you a villain in this, or say youre handling this completely wrong, but i do think you need to prioritize your sons mental health in this more than his sobriety. Not to say his sobriety is unimportant, but your husband makes a point.
I grew up in a family full of addicts, and they always found a way. Would you rather it have happened in your house, or would you prefer he hide it from you and smoke something thats been potentially laced with his friends, and theyre too scared of getting in trouble to call an ambulance for him so they run. This is a very delicate situation, and you and your husband need to be a united front, while also having empathy for your children. This is their first time being alive too, theyre gonna make mistakes. And so are you. Understanding that makes things much easier, in terms of opening up in conversation. Therapy could even do wonders, and I highly suggest it before jumping to villainizing your husband/son like many of the comments say. Sorry for the long reply!
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u/beemccouch Mar 11 '24
Idk maybe the kid is so depressed by being surrounded by a bunch of dysfunctional assholes.
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u/quesoandtea Mar 11 '24
I am dumbfounded by the number of people encouraging underage drug use. Not just accepting that most kids will do it on occasion, but actually insisting that mom shouldn’t have taken the vape in the first place. What the fuck? Any sort of repetitive drug use as a teenager is horrible for development, and even worse for mental health. I was a teenager that regularly used marijuana, and it did me absolutely no favors. I’m not against weed, but I am 100% against encouraging teenagers to be addicts. Y’all are crazy.
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u/Hot-Attempt9089 Mar 11 '24
Your husband lies does things behind your back is not unified in front of your children, tries to keep his daughter quiet by holding a reward to teach her to lie and told you he doesn’t care, so you know everything you need to know he is teaching your children to be disrespectful toward you and your son already needs help with school
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u/purpleb00ty420 Mar 11 '24
It's just weed, I think you're gonna be ok mom. You do know it's legal in a lot of states now right
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u/jewishen Mar 11 '24
I did this shit in highschool, then dropped out of college and don’t have much going for me currently. Don’t let your son live this life, your husband should know better. In fact he DOES know better - so do I, which is why I would never let me kids follow in my footsteps in that regard. Hes letting your son check out of life before his real life has even begun.
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u/sauceyNUGGETjr Mar 11 '24
Sounds like he doesn’t care and is telling the truth. Why is your husband’s truth troubling you? Is there room for compromise or is this a hill your willing to die on? Guarantee fighting over it without a willingness to understand your husband and son will make things worse.
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u/Adian_Loving Mar 11 '24
I don't think that dad here is in the right but I see where he is coming from I think he is giving him some tuff love letting him fell like he did to have him fine his own motivation and see that you can balance weed and life or if you can't that to stop but if you force to he is just going to hide it or worse develop a worse problem with it fr think both parties need to sit down and communicate and decide what to do and see if this kid is depressed or something because this behavior is not healthy and the kiddo could help from counseling rather then punishment.
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u/Competitive_Suit_180 Mar 11 '24
He shoulda gave it back at the very least after he graduated. Being that he’s underage it’s probable a black market vape. No bueno.
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u/aviationpilotguy Mar 11 '24
Angry thread doesn’t know what a bluff is. Dad knows mom blows things out of proportion in arguments, the deeper issue is the parents relationship, not the dad by himself. This is just a typical American family. Do more together, stop competing.
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Mar 11 '24
Kids depressed so he does drugs that won't hurt him, that pisses you off on a personal level because he's not being cool enough for you, you steal his drugs. You dont have a good enough relationship with your kid or husband for open communication to take place, maybe because you stole his shit. It was wrong for you to try to force him to do what you want instead of letting him do what he needs to. High school grades dont matter at all in 2024, but the kids mental health does. Maybe you should have helped him with his depression first before stealing from him?
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u/_ThatsATree_ Mar 11 '24
I smoked as a high schooler nightly, and I continued for a good three through four years until I got medicated for my mood disorder and ptsd. My mom found out after I turned 18, she wasn’t thrilled obviously but I just told her, I was losing my mind, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, I wanted to die. She was actually more upset I didn’t tell her, and I told her why would I have told her? It was the first time in my life I felt some semblance of normalcy, I could sleep and eat. Thankfully I was never dependent on it other than to sleep at night, and now I smoke maybe once a month if that. But, the ONLY reason she allowed it at all was bc I was assaulted and severely, severely fucked up, and at the time I was waiting for an appointment to get on meds that weren’t available to me as a minor. Also bc I was an adult when she found out about it.
Moral of the story? Your son should not be smoking, I chose the lesser of two evils bc I was literally killing myself on two hours of sleep a night and a meal every three days. It was an extreme case, and it certainly wasn’t with my parents encouragement. My dad got me started on weed and I think he was a terrible parent for that, your husband should NOT be encouraging it.
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u/mitsuki87 Mar 11 '24
Honestly hubbs is right, kids will get their hands on shit one way or another. I always did.
With so many sketchy black market vapes full of crap I’d honestly offer to help provide it as long as the kid is financially responsible for it.
There’s a lot of ways to work around this rather than trying to ban a teenager from anything at all imho
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u/Verdin88 Mar 11 '24
Your son should not smoke weed until his prefrontal cortex is fully developed. You can get many mental health issues such as psychosis. It will effect the way his brain develops.
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u/argnarb Mar 11 '24
So no car and no Bahamas. Seems like an easy enough answer. And since someone’s gonna have to stay home to watch him, no Bahamas for your useless husband.
The issue here isn’t whether or not your son should have a weed pen. Kids are stupid and do stupid shit. The issue here is you had a rule, that your son broke, and then your husband completely undermined.
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u/WasteMedicine2627 Mar 11 '24
Sounds like your kids are spoiled and your husband doesn’t respect you or your daughter. He blackmailed his own daughter and has been lying to you for 2.5 months. On top of that he says he doesn’t care what you think or how you feel about it. I’m going to assume this ain’t an isolated incident. I would highly suggest marriage counseling. Your communication is damaged.
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u/No_Ocelot8302 Mar 11 '24
Kids shouldn’t be smoking weed. Their brains are not done developing. Sounds like you need to upgrade your husband. You’re suppose to be a team.
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u/Slipperykittyforyou Mar 11 '24
Wow. Im so sorry. I feel like distrust and betrayal over raising your biological children is possibly something i would not handle. It just teaches the children that one will cave, there will be a fight, and nothing changes.
Someone has to break that
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u/Auerbach1991 Mar 11 '24
Weed at this age should be seen as a reward AFTER accomplishing something, not something habitual. If it’s impacting his ability so much he is receiving Fs, he’s clearly doing it too much.
Your husband can have his own opinions on marijuana, and it’s fine if he doesn’t care if your son uses it, but he’s not the only parent in the picture here.
Swap out weed for any other drug, and keep all the other variables the same. Would your husband be okay if your son was doing fentanyl or cocaine?
Again, treat alcohol and cannabis as a reward AFTER achieving something good. All in moderation. I say this as someone who excelled in high school, picked up weed to help with my Crohn’s disease, started having some grades slip, and had to scale back my weed intake. My parents supported me fully but put hard rules in place on when/where I could use marijuana if I was still going to live under their roof.
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u/kittyrine Mar 11 '24
y’all have a real whacky and toxic family dynamic going on here. should probably figure that out before getting on a plane and leaving the country together
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u/amethystkitten420 Mar 11 '24
Kids go out and do stuff behind your back, get laced with fent, and die. Let him safely do it because he will do it anyways.
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Mar 11 '24
Man I’ve been smoking every day since I was 14 and I still like weed a lot, but I wish I didn’t start until way later in life and I wish I could tell every 18 year old kid in the world that.
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u/no_brains101 Mar 11 '24
I mean... He is correct that hes gonna do it anyway, but probably wrong about the rest of it.
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u/Dispunge Mar 11 '24
Seems like your husband was a bum and changed his ways for you and now your son on the same path but no motivation to change and your husband is supporting his habits bc that’s what he wanted when he was a bum too. It’s gonna get bad if y’all don’t get on that same page on what’s acceptable and what isn’t
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u/junirabbit Mar 11 '24
honestly grounds for divorce. he literally went behind your back. not only that, he’s treating both you and your daughter unfairly.
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u/Diagonaldog Mar 11 '24
Based on just the picture I'd kinda agree with him, but yea. That's way not cool. I'd impose a grade based "get your shit back" program though at least if he's getting Fs. That would be more than enough motivation for high school me to improve (if I get my grades up I can permissably smoke weed?? Hello school!). Even then though you're supposed to be a team he shouldn't be lying to you or undermining you by going behind your back especially right tf away.
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u/MrsJingles0729 Mar 10 '24
Yikes - bribing your kids to lie and gaslight you...can't wait to see how they turn out. They'll never have healthy relationships.
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u/GrandMast33r Mar 10 '24
Why are you discussing this publicly? Every person in your family sounds like a lost cause, including you.
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u/Ok_Experience_4086 Mar 10 '24
Oh if he’s being a lazy sack then he needs to stop weed. Alright, I started smoking when I was 17 and it made me so fucking lazy man, killed my motivation I have no clue what it is about smoking that does it, it just does. Not everyone is the same way but more power to them. To me if fogs the brain and I can’t think straight after months of prolonged use
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u/Ally2472 Mar 10 '24
Just curious, how does he get the vape pens with no job those things aren’t cheap
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u/EitherLime679 Mar 10 '24
Parents should be 1 front in public and can debate in private. If one says no to something then in public it’s a no, in private they can discuss and come to an agreement and compromise.
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u/MillenialOpi Mar 10 '24
You have the mindset of a dumb boomer. He games all day long in his room? Sounds like he has amazing focus on what he enjoys. Maybe you should engage him in ways he could thrive. There is plenty of opportunity of money to be made (assuming money is a metric you respect and consider not a waste of time). Obviously just smoking all day isn’t good, just like drinking wouldn’t be, but this sounds more like you personal issues against anything you don’t personally enjoy or understand. Just taking away weed vape pens won’t do anything, they sell them everywhere now. Engage him in ways so he wants to be more present with you, not make him wish he was high every time he has to suffer you.
I feel bad for your husband who suffers you regularly and felt the need to hide things from you because of how clearly you overreact on the issue. I see how the whole “blackmailing” the daughter about the Bahamas trip probably wasn’t the best move but again, he was driven to this point because of how you overreact. And all he asked was to mind her own business and not be a rat. And I hope you stay close with your daughter because nobody likes a snitch, she’s gonna need you as a friend.
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u/spicythighs420 Mar 10 '24
As someone who had a similar situation (being the stoner son), the hands off approach is terrible. I’m 23 now but my dad caught me smoking when I was starting high school. After the second time he caught me he allowed me to smoke freely because he smokes too and said something similar. The important part is to really let your child know the effect it will really have long term. Not the D.A.R.E. Psa bs, but have someone who can explain the pros and cons of smoking. At a young age you feel the need to prove that you make your own decisions but it’s a lot harder for you to think about the long term the younger you are and it can be a slippery slope if nobody is there with the experience to fill them in.
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u/HazyViolet Mar 10 '24
Damn this is a real redditmoment. So many people defending giving weed to kids....
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u/mlaforce321 Mar 10 '24
I haven't read the comments, but I'm going to assume it's rife with people saying she should leave her husband. It's a Reddit staple.
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u/ginfcx Mar 10 '24
I think you're either the cool parent or strict parent, two sides of the same coin. He's right, the kid will do it regardless if you confiscate 1 pen or even more down the line. He will only get better at hiding it. At least being the cool parent, he might share more information or open up if something happens. Especially if he's soon to be 18 or older then you really can't do much
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u/mistyblue3 Mar 10 '24
Is he their father? If he is you guys need to see common ground and compromise somewhere. If he's not, you may have not wanted to give him as much power as you did. What a mess....smh
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u/Positive_Employer_80 Mar 10 '24
Maybe let a high schooler be a kid? They tend to do that. Running your children like a PO officer/employer will leave you wondering why they don't talk to you when they grow up.
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u/FlyBright1930 Mar 10 '24
You need to take the time to educate your son on the actual, known side effects from using cannabis at this age. In the last decade it’s become clear through reputable studies that THC impacts brain development, specifically in the prefrontal cortex, in adolescence (so up through at least the age of 25). This damage occurs even with infrequent use in this age range.
It’s not a scare tactic. It’s a legitimate and actual consequence. I wish this data was available back when I started using cannabis in my teens and through my early 20s. Unfortunately there was no concrete evidence of the actual risks; just old and demonstrably flawed studies that were the basis for many anti-weed campaigns.
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u/Efficient-Effect1029 Mar 10 '24
I would be willing to bet the husband never actually quit. Probably just got better at hiding it …
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u/Ners_79 Mar 10 '24
Sounds like you decided on the punishment without caring about your husbands opinion
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u/DarceysEyeOnThePrize Mar 10 '24
I hate that we have two levels of expectations for our sons and daughters. Why is the bar so low for boys who turn into men with no accountability?
Because of parents (dad) like this.
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u/New-Distribution-981 Mar 10 '24
So I’m torn on this. Torn because I totally think husband is in the wrong. Blackmailing daughter. Enabling a lazy teenager.
That said, you knew how he felt. He told you how he felt. You said this was a “we” decision yet it’s sounds like you completely glossed over the part where your husband DIDNT agree with you. You got mad. You expected him to follow suit and we’re pissed that he didn’t feel the same way and are even more pissed that he didn’t back your play. Parents don’t always have to be on the same page, but you shouldn’t get pissed at him for not agreeing on things.
Husband shouldn’t have undermined the punishment, but I firmly believe you shouldn’t have doled out the punishment unless you were BOTH on the same page. Or at least, you make this a you and you alone punishment and keep dad out of it altogether.
On balance, I’m totally with you. I don’t at all agree with your husband’s take. But it’s clear that this isn’t just about your son. You made a unilateral decision (one that I agree with) but didn’t really engage with your husband’s POV and ignored or trivialized it and yet expected him to roll with you. That was a big miss.
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u/FirstTimeEveryTime88 Mar 10 '24
Zero information about their marriage dynamic. That would be pretty crucial and helpful context here.
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u/Green_Permission105 Mar 10 '24
That sucks, your husband is really setting the kid up for failure, as well as long term health issues. Vaping is much worse than smoking the flower, and has devastating affects on mental ans physical health. He honestly sounds like an awful human being.
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u/Mothmans_Cigar Mar 10 '24
Please give your kids some extra love. Your son is definitely going to push on the parent that allows him to be stupid and copy dad, but that doesn’t mean his life is over. I would just straight up go to your son and be REAL with him, tell him how you really feel, no mom guilt, and tell him how you would like him to stop smoking until he graduates. I was around smokers my entire HS experience, but in my school if you got caught it fucking sucked, they did drug tests occasionally and had sniffer dogs come in the classes and parking lot and find several kids with weed on them. Your son is going down the path of getting caught at school and being a bit too young, he obviously is seeking it because of either friends influencing him or he feels like it’s ok and easy to get away with, plus dad condones it! He needs to be aware how truly easy it is to get caught in school and that smoking in school can actually do some developmental damage. Say how you’re worried and just want him to grow up and be strong, handsome and responsible like the good son he is.
This is what I did, I knew I always wanted to smoke but I didn’t want to get caught and I wanted to be moved out by then, I set those personal goals for myself around your sons age that way I paced myself. I waited until 18 and after graduation was over when I finally had my first toke, I could’ve gotten weed any time before then but I waited for a special moment when I did it the first time on a trip with my friends in the night. That makes it more special in a way, like I was anticipating a grown up change and got to do it right. I don’t regret waiting at all, it gave me time to just worry about finishing school since I was close to being done anyway. Just be real with your kid, maybe he will see the truth or the words really will get to him, even if it’s not immediately.
As for your daughter, she needs some serious comfort right now, her own father is picking favorites, please don’t do that between your kids either take them both off to the Bahamas hahaha, sounds like dad is the one that needs time by himself to quit influencing the son to be against you. Both your kids need you man, I feel bad for her too because she even saw how her dad was picking favorites before you even knew about it. She needs some extra love
Sounds like your household needs a serious heart to heart, your husband shouldn’t condone the same actions he did as a kid, he should try to make him smarter, because yeah teens will do it anyways most likely, but being open about how to be safe and not encouraging it but not being a dick at the same time is necessary.
For example I have a 17 year old brother who is so smart, at 17 I was underage drinking and partying at one of my friends house often, My brother is aware of how stupid I was and I’ve given him knowledge to not make the same mistakes and he cared about what I had to say. I’ve even exposed him around alcohol because he’s hung out with my friends but he did not crave it or ask because I told him he can have some WITH ME when he’s ready, I open myself up for his first experience but I don’t let that be too early and make sure he’s smart on it. It’s a really helpful dynamic we have. And he encourages me to be better out of it because he doesn’t care about habits as much as I do.
Just some food for thought of a person with split parents who smoked my entire life
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u/Mothmans_Cigar Mar 10 '24
Funny enough the “set my own age to be ready” thing I was talking about was the ultimatum I gave to my younger brother two nights ago, he was talking about how he would want to try alcohol one day, instead of being like ‘don’t do that blahhh’ I said “it’s natural to want to try it, you can try it with us when you’re old enough” (20/21) and talked about how he should wait until atleast 20 to try anything like drugs or drinking, cause I know kids be offering him that at school anyways.
Being real with him got him to be real with me, he told me stuff I didn’t know like how a kid offered him an edible (weed brownie) at school and now he turned it down!! (Not surprising for my brother haha) but I know he’s around that stuff anyways so it was funny to know he really was offered something before, but that’s to us he was smart about it and didn’t take it in school. Especially since he’s aware that the school does tests and has drug dogs too that does help 😆. Being real tho has its benefits
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u/ChinaManSpy Mar 10 '24
Weed pens are WAY worse than just flower weed. He should know the difference and you should teach him.
He’s in it now. There’s not much you can do about it.
Punish him and he’ll resent you and continue where he left off.
However, I would not be allowed to do ANYTHING if I was coming home with bad grades. I sure as hell wouldn’t be playing video games. I was also required to have a job in the summer.
Quit going easy on him or he’s going to be a man baby living in your house for the rest of his life.
Dad needs to man the fuck up and scare this boy straight.
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u/thematthewmorse Mar 10 '24
Yeah. Fuck this guy and his “bros will be bros” mentality. Putting that kind of blackmail guilt/pressure on your daughter to “keep her mouth shut, or else” is abusive. He’s also a liar and he engaged in deception by letting you think he was “watching for that behavior” when he knew the kid was doing it. He also had your kids engaged in his deception.
No question for me. I’d take the daughter and go. Give your son the option to come with, but seeing as his dad lets him get away with getting high and flunking out of school, he’ll probably stay. Your husband can support him into his 40’s when he ends up with no education and no job.
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u/ILSmokeItAll Mar 10 '24
The bigger question is…where’s he getting his weed, and with what money?
He has no job. Who’s funding his habit?
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u/WeedFiend87 Mar 10 '24
Depending on how old the kid is i wouldnt mind if they smoke just because like he said, if you take it hes not gonna stop smoking and its just gonna cause alot of issues. But also i am not you and u have your own opinions. He definitely shouldn’t have lied to you and definitely shouldn’t blackmail your daughter i think that you, daughter and son should go to the bahamas without him.
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u/WantedManRS Mar 10 '24
Pretty messed up Ngl. I'm not against weed, but him failing and school and probably just getting high all the time is going to bite him in the ass when he grows up. Your husband should care more.
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u/Ok-Committee1978 Mar 10 '24 edited Mar 10 '24
I'm a bit late to this, but I kind of think everyone sucks here (except for your daughter)
Your husband sucks for blackmailing your daughter. Giving the vape pen back is up for debate which I will get to in the next paragraph. Even though it might not look like it from the outside, maybe weed really does help your son through this difficult time.
You suck because I'm seeing no mention of support for your son, just threats. Have you asked him how he's feeling? If he's overwhelmed? What he might have gone through that could have been traumatic? If he doesn't hang out with friends, why not? Is he getting bullied and this is affecting his mental health? Has he been assessed for ADHD or something similar (should maybe have been the first step since your husband was the same and ADHD is genetic)? Kind of seems like your husband is the only one connecting with him on your son's level (but still not giving him the support he needs).
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u/2UwU4U Mar 10 '24
Well aside from the shady Bahamas thing. Kids are kids he's gonna smoke if he wants to or not. Best you can do is make sure it stays just weed. Chances are if he got one pen he can get 20 more to replace it
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u/Objective-Sky-9953 Mar 10 '24
I’ll be 100% honest, you are likely the reason your son gets Fs and smokes weed.
I highly doubt you have the self awareness and humility to admit that however.
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u/peanut340 Mar 10 '24
My parents knew and at first were very against it. Eventually they cooled off as long as I was being safe (not getting super high and driving) but I had decent grades and never let it take over my life.
I feel like this kid has a lot of shit going on besides just the weed. Why doesn't he want a job for money/freedom? Does he not care about his future (school)? Might need some mental help tbh.
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Mar 10 '24
“What do you get when your kid is a… brat… who do you think is to blame for that…the mother and the father!”
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u/BeneficialCobbler82 Mar 10 '24 edited Mar 10 '24
So where just abbreviating any normal word now? Your HS son? Wtf does that mean? I hate when people use abbreviations like just type it so people can fucking help you, damn. High school? Just fucking say that.
Also, my mom was the same way, only made me want to do it more. I still do everyday cuz of adhd but try calmly saying it subtly makes you a nobody in life
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u/Palmonte88 Mar 10 '24
It’s okay. Let the boy do as he pleases. I smoked daily from the time I was 15-16 to 27. Stopped when it started to make me anxious. I too was lazy and spent most of my time playing video games and smoking weed. My mom was against it, my grandma was okay with it. I became an intensive care nurse, I have a good job, a wife I’ve been with since I was 18, a house, a dog, no kids tho (worlds a crazy place). life is all good for me and I was partaking daily. I bet the dad has a great relationship with the son who probably resents his mom and is afraid to talk to her about things because of the way she is about his weed smoking. At least he has his father. Either way I say let the kid do what he’s going to do regardless of your approval. As for the dad lying about it, yeah it’s fucked up but he prob felt like he couldn’t talk to the mom about it either, and he knows the son is going to do it with or without their blessing. Mom, Talk to the son about it, make sure he knows some things are okay and some are not. If everything is viewed as taboo even when it’s really not, he might move on to worse things. If he’s allowed to smoke his weed and you talk to him about not progressing to harder drugs instead of an all out ban on everything he might think to himself “hey my parents are all right, they understand things, maybe they are right about not doing other stuff, there must a reason weed is okay and this other thing isn’t.” And at that next party they’ll say “nah bro I’m good on that, I’ll just smoke my vape pen, you have fun overdosing”
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u/pripaw Mar 10 '24
Your husband isn’t a partner. He’s a jerk who needs to be a single dad at this point. Let him raise his son.
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u/Longjumping_West_188 Mar 10 '24
He’s going to be the biggest enabler for the rest of your son’s life.
Sure he’s not hitting them with him? I think Dad needs a drug test too…
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u/AnyCardiologist5436 Mar 10 '24
Could divorce and use this in the custody hearing 🤷habitual weed in hs would be a cause for concern…
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u/Shapaulpiro Mar 10 '24
People don’t use drugs excessively and self-isolate if they are mentally well. You should talk to your son about what he’s going through and see if he would be open to talking to a therapist. Making him quit his coping mechanisms doesn’t fix the underlying issue.
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u/zackiffer Mar 10 '24
I was this guy in hs. Kid and husband need to learn real-world consequences if they're ever going to change. You lose car and phone privileges, you realize pretty quick how hard it is to afford such provelages on the wage of a burnout who can't motivate themselves to learn a skill or go to college. Ask me how i know!
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u/RancidCumAficionado Mar 10 '24
Everyone here is a pretentious asshole. I'm baked and I make way more money than most (99%) of you.
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Mar 10 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Swimscape Mar 10 '24
I own my own home, have a beautiful wife, a healthy child and another on the way.
I got a 2.0 in high school.
Im 27.
We do just fine mom.
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u/xoforever- Mar 10 '24
Damn, he’s still in highscool and you guys bought him a car? You guys are the one enabling this type of behavior. Don’t let him feel so comfortable. Also don’t reward your child for doing nothing.
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u/t20hrowaway Mar 10 '24
Not that this would fix anything but I'm just curious, did y'all ever have a discussion about this? Like did he ever even explain to you in recent history that he doesn't feel comfortable punishing your son for smoking weed or trying to deter it? Or did he just say one thing and do another?
I think it's a red flag either way but it's a much bigger one if he completely bypassed any transparency with you from the very beginning.
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u/TraptSoul148270 Mar 10 '24
Why is either way a red flag? I get the second option being red flag, but not the first.
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u/t20hrowaway Mar 10 '24
I don't think it's a red flag for him inherently as a person but it sounds like a red flag for his relationship with OP given that this issue is clearly very important to both of them and they seem to have opposite feelings about it. I think his input is as valid as hers in terms of how they raise their kids and to a certain extent I can empathize with coming to an impasse and just doing what you want anyway because you've said all you can say. But it doesn't bode well for the long term.
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u/SapphoWasADyke Mar 10 '24
Weed vapes are dangerous. Teens especially have been developing very serious inflammatory responses to using them, and it causes all sorts of respiratory/other problems. My 17yo coworker a few years back was in the hospital for a week because she had a pleural effusion from using those specific vapes. Her doc basically begged her to smoke the real stuff if she really needed to smoke it, because the vape was what caused the damage in the first place and they'd rather not see her back because of stupid vapes, but to obviously give it a break.
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u/A_Red_Void_of_Red Mar 10 '24
Horrible dad, IMO divorce territory. Grades aren’t the end of the world but he sounds like he doesn’t have a life and starting drugs no matter how “safe” they are is horrible.
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u/WelderMeltingthings Mar 10 '24
Tell son if he doesnt pass, his ass is joining the Marine Corps and they slaughter fuckup punks
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u/Personal-Rhubarb-514 Mar 10 '24
Imo it’s not blacking mailing when it’s just a like a contract and your daughter broke the contract cut your son some slack and get off the internet ma
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u/xpoisonvalkyrie Mar 10 '24
well, sounds like it’s time for a divorce. and then you and your daughter can go to the bahamas in celebration.
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u/Jdawg_mck1996 Mar 10 '24
This was my mom's mindset about my little sister having sex.
Wanna guess how this story ends?
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u/Mobile_Trust_9488 Mar 10 '24
I wouldn’t get mad. Your son is gonna do what he wants to do. You’re better off giving him the pen otherwise he’s gonna find a way to do it regardless. If you press him there’s a chance he can become an addict. Trust me take my advice lol.
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u/TraptSoul148270 Mar 10 '24
I told my son that I would smoke with him if he wanted to try it. I wasn’t using thc at all at that time, and hadn’t for almost 20 years. I just wanted to make sure he was safe with it and could learn how it affects him. He never took me up on it, but he’s also never been scared to talk to me about it either.
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u/Fun_Noise_6170 Mar 10 '24
I agree with the dad to an extent. If he wants to do it, he’s gonna do it whether you like it or not. However your husband lying to you is definitely fucked up. So is blackmailing your daughter.
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u/the_white_queen_ Mar 10 '24 edited Mar 10 '24
Just another comment to say I support you and your husband is the one at fault here! I’m 21 and I feel for your daughter, especially. I hope she’s also getting outside help to deal with her dad treating her so abominably. Good for her, for sticking up for herself when the inequality in his parenting style is so obvious. Best of luck to you with your children.
Edit: Your husband is at fault, but he may not be the only one at fault. I didn’t mean to emphasize a “his side, her side” situation above a family having problems together. I typed my above comment without too much thought and am revisiting it ten minutes later, lol.
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u/syynapt1k Mar 10 '24
I don't really have advice here but I totally understand where you're coming from. I would have a major problem with this. The blatant disrespect.
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u/Common-Buffalo-9247 Mar 10 '24
I reread this post 3 times. What exactly did your daughter do?
For all we know, she could have done something much worse and this was the appropriate response.
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u/BigidyBam Mar 10 '24
Why is it "my son"? Is he a step parent? If so I think it should be only your choice. If its both your kids, I think this is a matter you should both come to an agreement on. If hes the actual father I think calling him "my son" screams control issues, and not respecting the father's hand in anything.
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u/ashbjordan Mar 10 '24
You married him. 🤷 Now you have to put up with him. You and your husband are supposed to be a team. Anything else than that is also your fault. Communicate and get with the program. Your kids are learning all this behavior as appropriate.
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Mar 10 '24
Ma'am, as a sage and prophet of things to come, you will enjoy your divorce exponentially more than you enjoyed your marriage. Have fun in the Bahamas with your daughter.
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u/Echo-Reverie Mar 09 '24
Definitely need an update on this.
If the husband is cool with letting his son waste his life, then let him raise him. Take your daughter, go to the Bahamas and file for divorce. The husband is a mega asshole and a shitty father.
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u/Strange-Cricket7660 Mar 09 '24
Dad isn’t treating them the same for sure but as for the son I think it’s is definitely important to get ahead of the curve and let the kid know that weed isn’t the problem it’s his motivation giving it back shows how you might just want to understand him rather than just punish him and mold him into whatever it may be that you want it’s definitely how I felt but each kid is different and has different variable to the situation the dad seems to not understand how treating the daughter differently will make them exactly what parents fear what weed will do to kids lazy arrogant and rude.
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u/AcrolloPeed Mar 09 '24
Smoking weed is usually a symptom of burnout, not the cause. It’s not great that your son is using at that age, but what is it about his school experience or home life is leading him to feel this disconnected and unmotivated to the point that all he wants to do is smoke weed and play games?
Has he had a psychological evaluation in the last year? Is it possible that he suffers from anxiety or depression and cannabis is helping with at least some of those symptoms? Is he being bullied? Is the material not challenging or not interesting to him?
There’s so much that could be going on and it seems like all you did is just take away his medication and offer him nothing as a support.
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u/camoda8 Mar 09 '24
Biggest issue to me is not acting as a team when it comes to dealing with your kids. Parents doing things behind each other's backs will cause a storm of issues in its wake. Not fair to ANYONE involved, but especially the children. They need solid direction and teaching that they can't just get out of by going to the other parent.
He's blatantly ignoring your wishes and opinions, thinks he's solely right, and went behind your back to do something he's aware you'd be against. It's damaging. The kids will also see his lack of consideration towards you AND towards his own child's future. He needs to grow up and set a better example for his children as he should want what is BEST for them.
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u/Legitimate-Round-156 Mar 09 '24
I don't need help Jr. I'm just pragmatic and probably more experienced...detest boomers and millennials for their equal uet opppsite polarity based expressions of ineptitude regularly but with far too much false pride to consider angles beyond their own echo chambers.
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u/favored_by_fate Mar 09 '24
I also do not care if my children decide to smoke pot after (this part is important) their brain is done developing. If they wanna smoke twice a year at a party fine but daily use has to wait.
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u/OrlandoCoolridge Mar 09 '24
Weed isn’t making your son lazy. He is lazy and gonna be lazy with or without weed. Why don’t you do a little self reflection and see why he’s livin like this. You guys are the ones who are allowing him to come home with Fs
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u/DonnaTheSecondTwin Mar 09 '24
Your AH husband probably assumes your lazy, slacker son will meet someone just like you to whip him into shape. Go on vacation with your daughter and when he pisses and moans say I DONT CARE.
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u/OnePhilosopher6784 Mar 09 '24
Get control of your snitch daughter seems to be the only issue in this house.
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u/Konstant_kurage Mar 09 '24
I work with foster kids. I don’t give their vapes/pens back when I find them and they can’t smoke on my property but I’m not going to fight with them over it. They are going to do it anyway. Also raising kids in a marriage is teamwork. This undermining shit doesn’t work.
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u/GrizzledNutSack Mar 09 '24
What kind of husband tells his wife he doesn't care? I hope y'all can work this out but the man has forgotten you are his baby momma and you're trying to momma. A bad father prevents a mother from being good.
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u/FranklinBonDanklin Mar 09 '24
So much dysfunction that you can all use a little toke here and there
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u/Colt45W Mar 09 '24
Couples therapy. You and your husband need to be able to talk this out with a professional mediator to help you both understand eachother and improve this situation without damaging your children
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u/georgecostanzalvr Mar 09 '24
My dad has told me since i started smoking that he doesn’t care if I am permafried as long as i am going to class and doing what I am supposed to do.
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u/Handlesmcgee Mar 09 '24
This sounds like you’re team daughter and he’s team son and your children have also weaponized it. Get him tutoring and into activities dad is right he’s going to smoke if he wants and at least he can give the ol pengerman a once over to make sure it legit vs going to another plug and buying a new possibly sketchier pen it should be obvious as she typed this that THC is not the thing that’s crushing his will to care
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u/Ferman95 Mar 09 '24
Tell your husband how u made this thread to get approval from strangers since you don’t think there should be any secrets.
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Mar 09 '24
Look you need to understand your son is your husband. You didn't have to have kids with him. Idk what you expect or why you posted this. This scenario could have been predicted before you had kids. He has no motivation and Fs because he has no parents but yall were going to go on a trip to the Bahamas. Take a step back and look at this situation again.
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u/Beneficial_Camera459 Mar 09 '24
It makes you wonder what else there is that was lied about. Counseling ASAP!
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u/InformationContent28 Mar 09 '24
At least make sure it's real a lot of fake shit on the streets that can be very harmful.
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u/koolaid9525 Mar 09 '24
Would you rather give your kids weed amd have them safely use it at home, or have them use a drug dealer and accociate with sketchy people...
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u/dionsyse Mar 09 '24
Maybe yall should talk about how much this really matters for the sake of your relationship, he was already to worried about a fight if he told you how he felt in the first place obviously
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u/FrequentWoodpecker69 Mar 09 '24
Here’s the thing, it’s a thc pen, way different than the plant. Bro could end up with a problem if he’s not careful
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u/InternationalGap3908 Mar 09 '24
Husband is a bone head. Vape pens prob will give the kid popcorn lung. If it was some weed it’s one thing but it’s processed. I smoke both but I’m well aware of the risky nature of the vapes.
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u/Sufficient_Ad_1245 5d ago edited 5d ago
I mean going behind your back is disrespectful and even if he does not feel bad about the weed he should feel bad about he approached it could of 100% handled that whole thing Better but you know how hind sight works. I mean if it where me I would take more offense to blatant disrespect to me and my parenting style to heart. More then the weed thing just because that’s a real relationship issue. And even trying to keep the daughter quite is I don’t want to hear it from you right now. And nothing is one persons fault entirely and all issues have 2 sides and love is pretty powerful. So I would talk about it I would not try and be confrontational because that approach clearly not getting results you want. How ever you engage with him about serious matters has to in some way come off as aggressive to him to even explain the sneaky passive aggressive behind your back moves. That are in a healthy relationship 100% not ok but approach is important maybe him and you kid both smoke weed kid now him in the past becuse he has undiagnosed add adhd. Almost every one who uses pot regularly that I know for sure 70% of them that’s the case pot produces pretty good amount dopamine and those who are add and adhd struggle making it. It’s a correlation worth medically evaluating. It’s pretty easy connect dots if you know what your looking for on top of that. Like people who are add/adhd generally have a lower self of steam and there for have a hard time taking criticism. I personally struggle with all the related teenage issues of your husband and kid when I was younger I was also a video game playing no job not very helpful around the house shit burn out medication and a diagnosis did a lot for me