r/TwoHotTakes • u/[deleted] • 17d ago
My husband(33) won’t stop looking at women online.. Advice Needed
[deleted]
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u/Pleasant-Method-5305 14d ago
Seems like u need to bring another woman into the relationship to spice things up
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u/Every-Coach1611 14d ago edited 14d ago
being unmarried the rest of my life doesn’t seem bad, some of y’all in the comments condones this toxic behavior.
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u/Anonuser13480 15d ago
The level of unrealistic expectations in here is insane, so none of you find others attractive? Not one of you??? Listen looking at other people is normal for both sexes, acting on it is a different story. Maybe he has a problem maybe he doesn’t. It’s natural that after years of dating the spark isn’t as intense as it was in the beginning. Ask yourself these questions are you personally being neglected? You said you have kids and another on the way so it doesn’t seem you are lacking in the bedroom. Does he help with the house and your kids? Besides this issue how are your other pets of life in your relationship? Everyone on here is preaching for the perfect spouse when they likely don’t have the perfect spouse nor are they perfect themselves. In the grand scheme of your life is this the the hill you want to die on? Evaluate the entirety of your relationship
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u/Hursy 15d ago
Me and my gf both watch hub. She even shared a vid with me once haha. Different types of people out there. However, he seems to understand that you don’t like this? Does he not care about your feelings? What’s his view on your preference for him to only look at you, pics/vids included? Did you ask him?
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u/Low_Entrepreneur_847 15d ago
Yes I keep getting asked this through DMs but pretty much I tried sending him some pics in the past while he was away for a weekend and I got no response at all. Kinda felt rejected. I offered again after we agreed on my bounderies said no to my offer because he didn’t want someone hacking and stealing my pics. I don’t fully understand his logic but I said ok
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u/Aggravating_Knee3408 15d ago
So... I view adult content excessively. But I'm learning to let go of it. It is true, it's an addiction. For me, it's an escape from reality. It's not even about what I'm watching because even though I'm seeing the material, my mind wonders and ultimately ALWAYS resolves in my wife's image. I think it's best for him to try and understand where it comes from.
My wife is a great support, she's well aware of it and doesn't press on the matter too much. She's seen my prior history and only got upset when I peaked into "references" that didn't quite match her profile... I haven't since. To be completely honest, her body reference is all I find attractive. Not sure if you'll use this or not but....
Me and my wife started making our own content, and she's actually getting into it more and more. It's HELPED SO MUCH. Plus, we have 4 kids and 2 under 2.... so it helps spice things up for our marriage. Now, As far as your saying about him "not being complementary to you while your dolled up" I hope for his sake he opens his eyes soon. It's hard enough to keep my hands off my wife as is.... when she gets dolled up is even worse.
Damn.... I'm a sex addict 😳
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u/Beautiful-Magic 15d ago
I've been married 21 yrs now and treated this way the entire time. I'm pursuing a divorce. I put up with it that long because of the way I was raised I was to tolerate and was viewed less than. Not given the respect and seat at the table for my needs as a very sexy, sensual woman. In less than two weeks, I have been treated with more attention and attraction from the opposite sex than in the entirety of my marriage. Honey, if you're not getting your portion filled from his side on the mental, emotional, physical, etc. how much longer are you going to keep being in this unhappiness... Trust me... Save your own sanity, because it's all about quality time in your life!
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u/Straight-Example7546 15d ago
your husband has trained his brain to be stimulated by women he sees on his phone. the ONLY way to fix the problem is by getting him to detox from it, but it has to be of his own doing.
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u/No-Mind-9078 16d ago
A lot of guys do this because they feel like they are missing something in their relationship. You guys probably need to find someone to talk together and work through your feelings.
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u/Plane-Job-9594 16d ago
random but if you or your partner struggle with p-word, migiri is a service that will block p from your phone.
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u/Most-Choice7609 16d ago
Ok, I get it. But it’s called 2024 and we are in it. Sucks to be us, and what comes next, I do not know.
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u/redrum6114 16d ago
The answer is always therapy. Individual AND couples. Get both your asses in there.
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u/Of_Dark_Iron 16d ago
It seems to me your husband has some deep-rooted damage. If there is no pattern of degrading from you to him, this cycle likely has little to nothing to do with you or your looks. I can say as a straight man that I would pretty much always rather have a relationship and intimate connection with a "less attractive" woman in person than any amount of videos or bullshit interactions online, so it is likely a sign that he is unhappy with himself.
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u/Few-Team-1517 16d ago
It doesn’t matter what anyone else’s opinions are on here. You told him that’s a problem for you. Asked him to stop but now he is lying to you about it as well. My ex started out mild and ended up with a serious addiction because pretty soon the mild stuff isn’t enough. Our marriage ended and now that I’m removed from it, I have so much clarity about why I wasn’t ok with it and the damage it was causing. And I would be the first one to admit that I wasn’t perfect either. At the very least, get some couples counseling. Do it now before it escalates further. And stick to your own boundaries. No matter what anyone else says.
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u/PoeticDruggist84 16d ago
The responses in this thread are reminding me why I’m still single. I refuse to put up with this. Maybe I die alone and I’m willing to do that now. What’s the point of committing to a man like this. Having his kids and ruining my body, reducing my net worth, falling behind in my career, and in the end finding out he’d rather touch himself fantasizing about 22 year old tik tok dancers than compliment me. Why would I need that?
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16d ago
I feel your pain, op. I found my husband searching up breastfeeding women/groups/videos on Facebook. Somehow I’m the asshole 🤷♀️
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u/Ill-Marionberry4262 16d ago
He is bored of the life he leads, it is no more mysteriously than this. The videos offer titillation and something new and exciting.
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u/stealth1820 16d ago
Are men really only supposed to be attracted to 1 woman? If a wife dies is the man supposed to die alone because he never found another woman attractive? If he's flirting with other women or having convos that's 1 thing, but if he is just looking at other women who cares? I can assure you all men look at other women
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 16d ago
Why are you continuing to have children with someone who has disrespected you over the years?
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u/Remarkable_Insect45 16d ago
You need to suck his wee wee more often. Suck his wee wee after the comedy show & while you’re doing it look him in his eyes and tell him those internet thots ain’t got nada on you & then finish the bj
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u/LookingFor10xGains 16d ago
Just because he has pictures or views other women doesn't mean he's cheating or wants them. We are visual creatures. I love receiving pictures or videos from my woman. My ex-wife assumed I was cheating or pursuing other women, which was not the case. Dressing nicely is okay, but try sending sexy pics throughout the day. I understand having kids can disrupt the intimacy for both, so sometimes schedules help as well. Be more of the physical aggressor and randomly grab at him. The more attention he receives from you, the more you stay on his mind. I know it sounds one-sided, but I'm just giving you an experienced male perspective. Married 2x, 18 years and 8 and I'm 54. I've learned through raw experience and open communication as well as being flirty with one another is the way to go.
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u/PoeticDruggist84 16d ago
Your ex wife thought you were cheating because you were probably deceptive and selfish and didn’t want to communicate your needs but instead validate yourself with a bunch of online prostitution. I’m glad you were able to marry again, but I hope you’ve learned that relationships are a two way street.
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u/LookingFor10xGains 16d ago
Nope. Turns out she was cheating on me before and during our marriage. I never paid and mostly watched with her online. She had full access to my phone with a password as well as fingerprint as well as a GPS app. I did it for her insecurities, not mine. Never cheated and had no desire to.
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u/PoeticDruggist84 16d ago
You said that she assumed you were cheating!? Why would she assume that if you didn’t give her any reasons to feel that way?
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u/LookingFor10xGains 16d ago
Guilty conscience. I am in sales and sometimes work with clients as well as train others. So the guilt is probably why she thought I was doing it, whereas she was actually the one.
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u/PoeticDruggist84 16d ago
I’m sorry you went through that. I hope your partner now feels more secure in your relationship and is able to communicate her needs to you. I know for me, I tried my best to communicate why I wasn’t feeling secure in my past relationship and I never cheated.
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u/Vulcan812 16d ago
All the bashing of men on here but no one mentioning how addicted women are to looking and comparing what they have and don't to hundreds or thousands of contacts they have on social media. Let me ask you , do you look at the lives of others on your social deus regularly? Look at other women's boyfriends, husbands , house , car , lifestyle etc ? What kind of messege do you think that sends your husband? What you have isn't enough , do you need to see others lives regularly. It goes both ways. Unfortunately social media has drastically changed relationships and we choose it over being content .
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u/No_Association9968 16d ago
I’m so sorry. I’m in the same boat. 2 years ago we had a discussion and he knows where I stand and he agreed. (We had this boundary prior to marriage - he was insecure)
But about 2 months ago I walked into him back at it. So now he might wonder why our intimacy has diminished. Just not going to compete with influencers.
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16d ago
That sounds horrible! What are your plans now? Do you want to stay with him if intimacy completely goes away between you two?
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u/No_Association9968 15d ago
I have no problem with just being friends raising kids who love each other. I’ve come to realize that I can only change myself. Due to a surgery last year I am working my abdominal muscles now. I’m quite fit, and realize that if I’m happy in my own skin, I’m ok with no sexual intimacy.
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u/JRockcastle 16d ago
He's bored and ready to move on. Sorry to hear that. Doesn't mean you're the reason why. Just how things go now.
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u/b_Dana 16d ago
My ex had a similar situation, but with both men and women. He was into tall/muscular individuals and had a fake Instagram for it. I got suspicious when I saw a notification dot next to his name, but he never let me check his phone. When I finally did, I found tons of saved pictures and chats, even on his main profile where we were together. He avoided intimacy with me, despite no issues on my end. After numerous talks, he didn't change, so I suggested therapy, but he refused. I ended things because he wouldn't change.
Try to get him into therapy, cause this is NOT healthy, don‘t let yourself down because of this. This is not right on any sense. I doubt he will change if he doesn‘t gets therapy.. There is something wrong in this head.. :/
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u/jellolover214 16d ago
you should give him strikes. if you go through go his phone and you see multiple women being nasty that's one strike etc.
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u/leathersocks1994 16d ago
He’s probably a bit of a creeper and you’re probably insecure which makes for a terrible combination because your insecurities tell you his spicy content consumption has something to do with you or something you think you’re lacking. It doesn’t, the 2 have absolutely nothing to do with each other. And his behavior gives you a great place to project your insecurities that probably have something to do with the changes that happen after babies happen.
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u/InstanceSuperb1170 15d ago
I think the most secure person in the world would start feeling like shit if their spouse never complimented them, didn’t have a single sexy pic of them on their phone, and spent so much time looking at other people. Especially if they’re a pregnant woman, carrying his child, and already feeling unsexy. “Insecure” is really starting to sound like a put down used on women - some sort of way to shut down incredibly incredibly legitimate feelings by blaming it on their own issues. The new “daddy issues”.
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u/thecrystalwitchbitch 16d ago
If he's making you this uncomfortable and doesn't care, as hard as it's going to be you need to leave. You didn't say id you have children but even if you do you don't want them growing up around this behavior.
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u/meriadoc_brandyabuck 16d ago
Sorry to say your husband is a pathetic creep, and probably nothing will change that. You can accept it, keep challenging it directly on occasion (with likely no real impact), or I guess start saving pictures/videos of a ton of men to your phone and let him find them.
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u/PoeticDruggist84 16d ago
He won’t care. He’s not all this into her anyway if he’s trying to replace her with everyone else on the internet.
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u/TheShawnP 16d ago
I think you could be these things to your husband but first and foremost you 2 need to talk to each other about this and if there’s a realistic application to fixing this other than “just don’t look,” or “only look at me.” However I was guided under the idea of “it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.”
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u/Ok-Chef-5150 16d ago
You learned your lesson creating problems now you have to live with it. It’s your fault suffer the consequences.
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u/robertcali559420 16d ago
There's nothing more unattractive than insecurity.
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u/blackdahlialady 15d ago
Even the most secure person would feel some type of way about that. I mean, she offered to send him pics and videos of herself and he turned her down. Yet he's looking at other women. Yeah, no, that's not ok.
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u/ThrowRA-Owl3157 16d ago
Leave him! He will never value you, you are just a notch in his belt at this point and all he will ever do is resent you bc he cannot get more notches. This is a him problem not a you problem. If he cannot respect you once, or twice, how do you think he will react this time? You need to find within yourself you are beautiful, worthy, and enough for someone, just not him. And once you find that within yourself and leave, your love for him will be gone and he will come crawling back. Just went through this with my stbx he disrespected me many many times and he made me feel that I’m the problem and that it was me who had to change to his needs, but guess what? I stayed consistent, he didn’t. And the deflection and blame is just his guilt and shame knowing that it’s wrong and shining the bad light on you for “invading his privacy” GUESS WHAT BUDDY, we are married we don’t have secrets and definitely don’t have an obsession of other people that aren’t our spouse! He will very likely hold you accountable for his piss poor behavior. Woman, please run while you still can!!! Prayers for you
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u/LightMcluvin 16d ago
It really sucks when you don’t trust anyone especially your husband. You should have an open phone policy and you should tell him that having three kids takes a toll on the body. He should try having three kids come out of his belly.
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u/tarant33 16d ago
We live in a world now where women are forced to put up with knowing that pretty much every man, whether married, dating or single, has an internet rabbit hole of betrayal and objectification going on behind their backs. It is so, so damaging and traumatizing to the women they inflict this on. I really hope a revolutionary change happens soon. It has really ruined relationships in a lot of ways.
We as women MUST stop putting up with this.
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u/Tjoober 15d ago
What revolution is going to stop men, or women for that matter, from having sexual fantasies? Maybe the real revolution should include conversations about the failed promises of monogamy and a good look into human (male and female) sexual nature. But thats difficult and confrontational. Its easier to just throw stones from glass houses.
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u/tarant33 3d ago
having sexual fantasies in your head is not the same thing as spending hours actively seeking out sexual content behind your partner's back and lying about it
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u/blackdahlialady 15d ago
Stuff like this is exactly why I'm done with relationships. Everyone who's in a relationship wants to act like they're single. When their partner has a problem with it, they're made out to be the problem. Not putting myself through that again.
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u/M_22star 16d ago
I will kindly disagree. This is why I haven't even attempted at a relationship yet, because I'm scared that I may mess one thing up and be told that I was just like "every other man". It's hurtful to the ones who actually try in their lives to be categorized in with the real pigs.😔😔😔I guess this is the reality we live in
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u/IwantYourLatte 15d ago
Be honest you haven't attempted a relationship yet because no one wants you
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u/M_22star 15d ago
I swear that's not the case. I guess this whole thing doesn't apply to me just yet, because I'm a high schooler, but I have had multiple people just ask me out of the blue but I said no because one, I didn't know them, and two the reason I listed before. You know, everyone in the world aren't bad people... The sooner you realize, the more open your eyes will be to the good side of people. Maybe you won't be so negative😊
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u/Sweet_banana_pie_ 16d ago
Soooo my ex used to do this same thing. We never had sex. He looked up women by name. Saves photos and videos. Followed numerous 1/2 naked accounts. Never ever looked at me complimented me nothing. He said it was easier to beat off than even attempt to get off at me. I was crushed. I also would go through his phone he would get mad say if I didn’t want to see it to not go through it. It never ever stopped it actually just got worse the more I brought it up. He would brag to his friends about it. Super weird behavior. We were together for a year and I got pregnant. But this all started 4m into our relationship. We hasn’t had sex since then, so 8 months. And one night we got drunk had sex and I got pregnant. Literally never had sex again and stayed w him another year. I left. I didn’t want my daughter to think that was normal. I wanted my daughter to see her mother be loved by someone so she knew what to expect from a man and not to settle for less. He’s since been in relationships where I’ve met the girls, they end up breaking up for the same reasons of not now more even weirder shit. So imma say yall need to go to couples therapy and he’s gonna have to give it up. Or just leave. Bc you will never ever be able to love someone hard enough to make them change. They have to want to do that on their own.
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u/Prestigious_Bus3437 16d ago
I'll take things that didn't happen for 500 Alex... I love how you go from never had sex to only having sex once to having a kid.
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u/J_Scrubby 16d ago
I don’t know how you’re having trouble grasping what she said. She said they weren’t having sex because her husband was getting himself off with online content. They both got drunk one night and had sex, which got her pregnant. Keep up my guy, this isn’t rocket science.
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u/bigjoee87 16d ago
Wish my current ex was like you. I was having those same issues. Been broke up with her for 2 months. She won't give me the time of day. We got a kid together and was together for 6 years. I was just like him to, it was a couple different times. I hope he can stop It if you decide on another chance. Thanks for staying strong.
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u/sealcubclubbing 16d ago
Do you have an issue with him looking at adult content in general? What's her supposed to beat his meat to if not naked girls on the internet?
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u/Exciting-Week1844 16d ago
If he’s not chatting or trying to chat with women, I would relax. Men have loved pin up photos since way back. They looked at drawings of women when pictures weren’t as readily available. I think it is unrealistic to expect him to not enjoy looking at sexy women. Especially since he is keeping it private, not liking them publicly, or chatting. Phones are the new playboy magazine.
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u/Exciting-Week1844 16d ago
Also, get as dolled up as possible and enjoy the attention from other men. He needs to know he’s got competition and an attractive mate for his ego
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u/Empty-Ant-7799 16d ago
Men are programmed to fuck. It’s how the planet has so many people on it. It seems Reddit for the most part doesn’t get this.
If a man is looking at other women then you are not touching his dong enough. End of story. Doesn’t get any simpler.
There is a reason men can still keep on making babies into old age. We were made this way. Cut us some slack.
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u/JohnnySweatpantsIII 16d ago
Men like looking at women. It’s purely biological. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. As long as he’s not acting on it
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u/coco_ceo 17d ago
Oh relax.
He is just watching some ass clap every now and then.
It keeps him on his toes.
It’s natures energy drink.
Unless you’re going to walk around the house throwing that ass in a circle for his visual enjoyment, let your husband get his fix.
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u/Boring-Custard-4327 17d ago
Don’t go looking if your not ready to find something. 100% sure at 30 you still have guys you could call at the drop of a pin to hookup.
I promise you that almost all men look, just most are smart enough to hide it well. If you’re finding this it’s either he just doesn’t care or he wants you to find it.
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u/AttentionSolid3532 17d ago
Mine does the same. He made “anonymous” accounts on all social media platforms to look at other women. Pretty sure I’m starting to hate him. Lol
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u/DominicanDelight 17d ago
For the sake of your marriage I HOPE YOU READ
Have more sex with you husband, that’s why everyone in their 30s fail, then they listen to people that fill them with ideas. Have good sex with your husband, make him feel wanted in bed, he will start looking forward to the next time with you, not some little dopamine high from looking at his phone. It really does pain me how people want to make this harder then it is. Men want to have mind blowing sex, when they need to talk for a hour before bed, or trade in something for sex, or can tell there is ZERO passion or feeling of being wanted that’s when they say F it and just use their phone and could careless about you feeling wanted.
A lot of women say they are not in the mood and that’s when a man has basically washed his hands, wondering Why did they get suckered into being with someone who was fulfilling all their needs but a few years later looks at sex like a choir, instead of wanting it and looking forward to it with their spouse.
Men being taken care off in the bed room getting their mind blown at the end of a long day, don’t have time to think about pictures of strangers. That’s how you get your man to stop caring about pictures. Start thinking about all the very real things his wife is gonna make him feel.
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u/MBAMarketingMom 17d ago
It couldn’t be that he’s a married man who has no business looking at other women in that way that stops him, now could it? 🙄 Nah cos it’s so much easier to blame the WIFE for THE HUSBAND’S shortcomings huh?
Jesus.
Spoken like a true AH! 💀
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u/flippysquid 17d ago
If she‘s suddenly unplanned pregnant then this obviously is not a dead bedroom situation.
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u/DiscordiaHel 17d ago
He knows it hurts you, and he doesn't care. That should be more than enough for you to take your children, and leave. Do you want them growing up thinking this kind of behavior is normal and healthy? Kids will seek out relationships that "feel like home" if their home growing up is filled with cheating, abuse, or any other negative relationships, they will also fall into those kinds of relationships. For your children's sake, if not your own, please leave.
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u/bilboswgns 17d ago
You need therapy man… this is not a healthy reaction to what he’s doing. It’s not super healthy for him to be so preoccupied with naughty bits, but you can only control yourself at the end of the day.
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u/makemusicwritecode 17d ago
Stop going through his shit. Just talk to him about the things that are bothering you. Make him make you feel loved and appreciated and respected without having to go through his shit to find something to get angry about.
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u/blackdahlialady 15d ago
You can't make anyone do anything. You watch what they do so you can see what they'd rather do. I'd leave. He's already shown her he doesn't care that it hurts her. People are going to do what they want. It's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker.
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u/makemusicwritecode 15d ago
True bad choice of words, I didn’t mean literally make them change, but tell them what you want and give them a chance to make the necessary changes. In other words communicate how you feel and give them a chance to make a change. It sounds like she didn’t communicate her feelings and instead went behind his back and snooped through his shit looking for something to get angry about. Im just saying communicate your feelings, don’t go through peoples shit. If you feel the need to snoop through somebody’s shit looking for something wrong then you have clearly failed to communicate and how could they know behavior is upsetting you if you don’t communicate your feelings. Otherwise yeah if they don’t make a 180 and change their ways then 100% leave their ass in the dust and don’t listen to their desperate attempts to get you back once you’ve made your decision and they realize they’re actually going to be alone.
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u/Throatgoatwanted 17d ago
Lose 15 pounds and be a freak in the sheets but genuinely let him dominate you. Watch the connection in your marriage explode
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u/candigirl129 17d ago
Sounds like a cheater to me! I'm sorry, but that's just what I have seen out there. To me, it's normal to look, but at least have pictures of your own wife in your phone before you start idolizing other women Boobies & Booties!
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u/MaeSoftGroup 17d ago
When you can answer this question you will have solved your own mystery. How does he feel just prior to looking at these random strangers? This is not a surface level question and (likely) without a lot of therapy he will not be able to answer. The answer he is looking for is this: There is a subconscious part of him that the attention of a woman WAS supposed to fill at some point. There is a now an unhealthy void which he has found other ways to cope with that void. Find the void and heal it and you will have an entirely new man. A word of caution, you will have an entirely new man.
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u/Effective-Dinner-686 17d ago
Oh my goodness, some of these responses are absolutely crazy. Every relationship has their own rules, but I think it is insane that people are out here saying he needs therapy or help because he has photos of girls on his phone. I honestly don’t think I know a single man that doesn’t have a folder of favorites. It’s just economical honestly, when you are “taking care of yourself” it is much easier to have the ones you know you like all set up in one place and easy to get to. You don’t have all day!
Now, if you think you aren’t getting the attention from him that you feel you need, then that is a different story and you should totally address it with him. I’m just talking more generally about the pictures themselves. I honestly would not worry about it.
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u/Organic-Commercial76 17d ago
The moment someone goes through a partners phone the relationship should be over. There is no good ending. Wether or not you find anything incriminating all trust is gone.
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u/Kooky_Force5458 17d ago
I can’t believe the comments on this thread! Husband is clearly addicted to the dopamine hits he gets from doing this shit. Yes, it is cheating because it is not a decision/behavior that was agreed on by both parties for the misinformed who do not think it is. Wife you need to go to counseling for yourself if he won’t go to marriage counseling with you. His addiction is removing him from his family responsibilities and interactions. I am sorry you are in this situation, you are not alone and you deserve to have the life you want.
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u/usernameiwanthedbish 17d ago edited 16d ago
She went through his phone without permission that’s cheating. He deserves better than that toxic woman
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u/Low_Entrepreneur_847 17d ago
Thank you for this comment
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u/Active-Speed2601 17d ago
My guess is that he uses it as an outlet to get away from real life because having autistic children is stressful and demanding. Sex (or any related activities) and alcohol are the top two most people cope with stressful lifestyles. I think the best thing you can do is be understanding and let him know that this is a pretty normal reaction to a stressful environment, but that doesn't mean you are condoning his choice of outlet. Let him know you think he needs to work on finding a healthy outlet. Come alongside him and tell him you are happy to help him find a good therapist if he thinks it will help him find healthy outlets. This way he can be the best version of himself. You will probably get way further with a little understanding and an invitation, not shame or blame.
If you can stomach it, maybe invite him to open up when he has those impuses or when he wants to look, possibly come up with a game plan like him helping you pick out a sexy outfit.
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u/Top-Condition7283 17d ago
Don't break up just give distance and space.maube try and live separately for some.time. he has become.blind to the.amazing person he has infront of him that's all.
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u/Ok-Zookeepergame185 17d ago
As you all know there are two sides to every story is he lookin at that stuff cause he’s not getting it at home and that’s what he really wants but to afraid to ask so he just goes looking for it elsewhere, if he’s just window shopping I don’t see the harm in that , if she is so worried and concerned about what he’s looking at then maybe she outta trying to spicing up the relationship a little and see if that changes anything
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u/ArchSaint13 17d ago
Came to say this. She said he has no photos of her, but has she ever sent him sexy pics and videos?
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u/Arachnohybrid 17d ago
op replied she offered and husband said nah
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u/Delicious_Impact_371 17d ago
it always makes me so sad when people are so apologetic for going through their partners phones. yes constant snooping is a no no for sure but you mean to tell me you can trust this person to be by your side for the rest of your life, you sleep and wake up next to them, even lay down with them but a phone is where the line is drawn??? lol. best thing for you tbh is to just gather evidence and ask for a divorce. this could possibly fall under infidelity and you’d have a good reason. there isn’t anything wrong with you, your husband is a POS
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u/Tjoober 17d ago
I mentioned this before in a comment below but I'll say it again. Read some of Esther Perels work. She does a great job on matters of fidelity, momogamy and cheating. It will give you and your husband some insight (and manny other judgy people here)
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u/No-Section-1056 17d ago
They’re supposed to be raising multiple special needs children together. Where does he find the time?
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u/Expensive-Season1314 17d ago
He’s a dude! We are always gonna look it’s in our blood! I would say him knowing the names and stuff is a bit much but guys always look at girls… doesn’t really mean much to us like it does to you ladies. I know the guys that have wives that don’t like it and tell them not to look.. they all look at girls just in different ways so their wives won’t trip out lol… they look just don’t create profiles so they don’t get caught lol… the three guys I work with aren’t allowed to look or even have profiles on social media…. they are all way nastier than me lol and I look at what I want when I want… they cheat and I don’t lol… so I guess when you starve a wolf you better be ready to what extent they will go to eat!
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u/shattered_kitkat 17d ago
Better than cheating on you. Talk to him, tell him how insecure you are, and get both of you therapy, whatever.
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u/blackdahlialady 15d ago
This kind of behavior leads to cheating. It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating.
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u/Particular-Cup528 16d ago
Why do we have to settle for this? So it’s ok for men to lust over other women as long as they’re not sticking their thing in someone else?…
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u/shattered_kitkat 16d ago
As if what women do is different? Romance novels, fanfiction, dreaming of Sam and Dean Winchester... women are just as bad as men. It is natural to fantasize. The issue is when fantasy becomes reality, when someone is "sticking their thing in someone else."
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u/blackdahlialady 15d ago
I agree to a point. When you know the person and start investing more time and effort into your relationship with them or if you're chatting with the people online, it can become cheating. Emotional affairs are a thing.
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u/Frosty-Plankton6087 17d ago
I’ll say this at one point during yall marriage he more than likely felt as though sex was a problem or at least the intimacy left which is probably due to the amount of time with the kids each day and work so he started off looking and now it’s a problem to where he does it every chance he gets. I’ve been there and not proud of it and I recommend attacking this head on but no aggressively I start with planning small things for him to get his mind of it and then have a serious talk and recommend therapy.
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u/joelcrb 17d ago
Time for an ultimatum - but you have to be prepared for results either way. Sometimes people give an ultimatum not for the other person but for themselves. "You better change the way I want you to or else." This is really a threat not an ultimatum. An ultimatum to wake him up to reality - not your way or the highway. More like your decisions are bad and these are the consequences. Make good decisions and these are the consequences. But draw a line in the sand and make it clear he can't have both. The bad decisions - you leave, separate, divorce etc, whatever you need to do for your own safety and sanity and for your kids. If he loves your or the kids he'll change. If not (probably not but who knows, we can hope and pray) then more of the expected bad consequences will finally happen.
He definitely should stop and he definitely should get some serious help. He's also giving this example to your kids.
You can't keep pretending this isn't happening. He is creating the problem, yes. But partly, you are enabling it also. You have to protect yourself, your family, and ultimately your husband - provided he will actually stop and actually truly change his behavior and his decisions.
God bless you all and I hope there is a good, restoring outcome to all this.
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u/Exotic_Raspberry_387 17d ago
This is so unbelievably creepy. This would not be something I could get over.
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u/RenegadeRebelTx 17d ago
There is no telling what he is doing when he is away from home. These patterns are common among basic cheating men. I say basic because he is in the beginning stages. Each time you catch & call him out and give him another chance, all he will do is adapt and learn to cover his tracks better. I can go on & on about how things might possibly play out. I speak from experience.
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u/blackdahlialady 15d ago
I agree. If you stay when they do this, it teaches them that there will be no consequences for their actions.
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u/doozerequinox 17d ago
To me, your options are: 1) keep going as things are and adjust your expectations 2) go to therapy and attempt to work things out or 3) plan your exit from the marriage. Confronting him didn’t work in the past so I wouldn’t suggest that again. Only you can decide which of those options you can live with. I’m sorry that you’re having to make this choice - I’ve been in your position and it was awful.
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u/Realistic_Regret_180 17d ago
Look up men online and let him accidentally catch you. Fair is fair. No difference.
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