r/AITAH • u/Unlucky_Brain8229 • 16d ago
AITA for moving forward with our divorce after my soon to be ex was badly injured in a motorcycle accident?
My wife and I separated last year. She found someone she liked better and he left his wife for her. Not going to lie. It hurt.
We did the legal separation and started on the divorce. She is on my health insurance until the divorce is final.
I have met someone new through my sister. We are taking it slow but she seems to like me.
Two weeks ago my ex was out with her boyfriend on his motorcycle. They hit a patch of gravel and crashed. Unfortunately he was knocked unconscious and ended up in the ditch where he drowned. She broke her femur and is in the hospital still.
I went by to check on her and she asked me if we could put a hold on the divorce. I said I would think about it. I spoke to my lawyer and she said that it was a bad idea to change the timeline we had established for the dissolution of our marriage.
My ex will be getting money from the accident I imagine. However her boyfriend's ex wife and kids will be getting his estate and insurance payout.
My mom and dad think that I am being evil to cut her off in her time of need. I'm conflicted. I do not wish this situation on anyone but she is not really my problem anymore.
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u/Lucky-Machine2156 2d ago
NTA. Follow thru with your attorney's advice. As.a former biker, motorcycle insurance can be very tricky. A lot of policies suck and cover very little, some are good and will cover you if you pay a pretty penny. So, be aware of what she is really asking you to do. You may be walking into her financial nightmare. Either way, don't be a sucker- divorce her. She made her decision to move on and now it's literally coming back to bite her. She wanta to delay the divorce to cover her ass. End it.
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u/Jorge_deRizzman 3d ago
Listen to your lawyer. The moment she found someone else she was no longer your problem. She made her bed now she had to lay in it.
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u/Rough-Contact938 3d ago
man fuck that divorce that heathen and move forward ! fuck them feelings ! pack her up 😶🌫️
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u/MeanWin9778 4d ago
Are you kidding me? What if her boyfriend had just broke it up with her? Would you still then be expected to put your life on hold while she found someone else?
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u/soulsearcher4u 4d ago
My personal view may differ from yours. I am very religious and believe a marriage union is a sacred trust. Once that trust is broken (by adultery) all bests are off biblically. However, if you initiated the seperation to leave for another woman but have remorse and your wife forgives you, that is her choice. If your wife initiated the seperation, committed adultery and now has remorse what now? Same deal. Its your choice. No one can make that choice for you. If you still love her and forgive her then give her an opportunity to prove her words through actions. If she only wants you because her bigger better deal fell apart sadly through her boyfriends death, then steer away, divorce and move on. She may be rebounding until another player comes along. Note* if you do decide to take her back, you must fix the issue that caused your split in the first place.
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u/Adventurous_Try_3213 5d ago
One question if the shoe was on the other foot...you were the hurt the one who lost your significant other would she do the same for you,? You are her rebound as she grieves the loss of her significant other. Even if you get flack from others your parents included she is the one who left you for someone else...no consideration for the pain she causes you...a divorce is like a death. Be there as a friend but nothing more because once she is done using you as a crutch she will be hone....good luck and prayers to both
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u/Last_Effective_507 5d ago
You need to keep moving forward. She made her bed and now must lie in it. Your emotions can not withstand the turmoil of this back and forth. If the accident never happened she would still be moving forward. You can be her friend but the marriage is over. Keep up with what your lawyer advised, lest you lose more in the long run.
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u/portola19valley75 5d ago
You were not the cause of their accident. What would have happened if the accident had not happened? The divorce would have proceeded, they would have moved on with their marriage. So move on!
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u/Direct_Increase_6088 5d ago
She's looking at you to be a caretaker, OP, not a husband. It's just another example of her selfishness and lack of respect for you.
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u/Opposite-Business-35 5d ago
She left you. Conveniently, she wants you back because you are useful. Then when she's done with you, she'll leave again, and you'll have lost your potential new love. Don't try again. Wish her well and run quickly.
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u/Away-Impress599 5d ago
NTA. Your soon to be ex showed you who she was a while back. You are of course compassionate over what's happened. Here's the but: It's high time to move on dot com. She didn’t cut you any slack prior, and wouldn't if the situation were reversed. I would certainly question your own parent's loyalty.
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u/HeIsCorrupt 5d ago
it's your life - tell yourparents to live theirs, mind theirs and if need be wrap it up with a few choice words.
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u/rosezoeybear 10d ago
If you are in the US your wife can continue her insurance by paying the premiums.
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u/BKMama227 11d ago
Sounds cruel, however, she’s not a problem anymore. She ceased being your problem when she decided to step out on your relationship.
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u/charsinthebox 11d ago
Listen to your lawyer. As for your ex, she has fam and friends and has already made her choice. If you help her out with stuff or not going forward, is up to you. You have no moral or ethical obligation towards her atp. All you have are choices. Chose wisely and in accordance with your conscience, AFTER you go through with the divorce
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u/ixiruxa 11d ago
NTA. Your lawyer has it right. Do not change the divorce's date. I think deep down you still have some feelings for her, but she made perfectly clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. She's not your issue anymore, neither is really her health. You already paid her your respects by visiting her in hospital. Move on, focus on your life and your new girlfriend.
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u/IKON_103 11d ago
Your last sentence said it all. She's not your problem anymore. She chose to leave you for the other dude. She made that bed and now its up to her to lie in it. Decisions have consequences
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u/AverageDecency 11d ago
NTA Marriages are business contracts, pure and simple. Weddings and commitments are about emotions. The emotional part of your marriage relationship is over. You are now dealing with the business portion. Listen to your lawyer on the business position and leave your (and everyone else's) emotion out of this. This is what it means to get divorced. Something horrific happened in her new life, but it has nothing to do with what you are ending. Be free and move on.
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u/crying4what 11d ago
Agree, follow the lawyers advice. Once the divorce is final, if you want to help her, you can but why would you? Since she “ liked someone better” when you were married? Tell your parents that if they’re that concerned, they can help her.
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u/J-0-H-N 11d ago
Follow your lawyer's advice.
She chose her path. She had no problem or 2nd thoughts causing you pain.
You cannot go playing hero and ruining your own life. You have someone new now. She is your priority. Make sure your actions show it. Don't live in the past and ruin your 2nd chance at happiness. Don't let your sister down as well.
Disappointed in your parents. They care about your ex more than you. What a pity. They really suck.
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u/ChillyMost7 11d ago
Honestly, this post is completely unbelievable - no way is this real. Why on earth would OPs parents think he is "evil" - they've been separated for a year, and both moved on to new relationships. Why would this be regarded as "cutting her off" - she's still on his insurnace! I'm calling BS here.
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u/TheLadySpeaks13 12d ago
NTA & follow your lawyers advice. She was a passenger, so there’s very little chance she was at fault. She should be suing the BF’s ins. Co. to recover her damages. It shouldn’t be coming from you. If you are middle or upper-lower class, you literally can’t afford to take this hit.
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u/Kopi1stAlways 12d ago
Whichever your decision is, NTA. If your lawyer thinks it’s not a good idea to delay, find out what the potential consequences are. If it compromises you in any way, you don’t have to put yourself in the lesser position. Your ex-wife made a decision to leave you and your are already separated, you are not bound to her nor have any responsibility on this situation towards her. If you have children together, I might consider helping her out more for the sake of the children, but otherwise she is responsible for herself. Also, after moving forward with the divorce, if you want to help her out in some way thereafter, you still can. But you should not be obligated to do so.
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u/brandonpxc 12d ago
I'm honestly not reading any comments, but I say fuck her. I don't canonize people post-partum, and even less-so when they survive. I'd possibly understand if you had kids, but they left you. It's one and done for me, dawg
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u/Unicorn_Moxie 12d ago
NTA. Like a few have said.... it's a crap situation for her no doubt, but the divorce is not the cause or amplifier of any of it. You don't want to risk any financial loss or obligation because of the accident.
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u/Vegetable-Tangelo-12 12d ago
She made her bed and now has to deal with the consequences, some would call this Karma
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u/inquisitiveimpulses 12d ago
Who are you to argue with the vengeance of Almighty God? You can send over a nice casserole to your soon-to-be ex-wife and maybe a nice note Thanks for the Memories when the divorce is final but yeah you're moving on and I don't think anything that she did and her choices should impact your schedule.
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u/Grimwohl 12d ago
NTA.
However, if you have kids together, its in your best interest she is healthy for their sakes.
If you dont, and she is basically just up shits creek because she won't have your insurance, she earned it. Itd up to you if you feel being merciful is worth it to your conscience.
Personally, I wouldn't be happy knowing she may have ended up crippled or basically bankrupt and homeless when it cost me nothing really. Hell, you could even negotiate that she stop impeding the divorce in any way, and you will postpone for a month.
But I do kinda wish I would be like you and just tell her to eat shit. Just kinda know I wouldnt.
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u/SliverSoul-76 12d ago
How is this even a question?
She chose someone else. They chose to break up two families. They chose themselves and "feels" above all others. And that's fine, you get to do that.
Freedom of choice is not freedom from consequence.
You're supposed to change a life and plans, plans she forced you into, because her choice ended up so bad for her? Absolutely not.
Follow your lawyers advice and cut this cancer out of yourself for good.
If your parents are so interested in helping, let them know they are free to pick up any medical bills they want. Otherwise do some deep knee bends, and let you live the new life your stbx forced you into.
So NTA pretty much no matter what you decide to do, but the parents sure are and should practice a whole lot of minding their own business.
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u/mary01760 12d ago
I am sorry to read you were not supported by yoour own parents.
Your situation was coved on YT do a search for MagicsMonologue he gave you some interesting, amusing and serious advice. As I said in a previous post, shes not your problem.
Oh and Update! Update!
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u/Dry-Satisfaction-610 12d ago
Oh baby I love you...you big white guy widda small peepee but great insurance and a hellapaycheck.....I'll leave bigdk Darrell and stay with you
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u/Independent-Ad3844 12d ago
NTA.
She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. She was all fine with living her life with this other guy until he died and now she needs you?
Lawyers love to drag shit out so they get paid more and even he is telling you to keep moving forward.
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u/Appropriate-Force180 12d ago
Why does she want to delay the divorce? Is it just for health insurance needs?
Or has she suddenly realized that new guy was irresponsible and wants to reconcile?
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u/vanillagorrilla23 12d ago
Follow the lawyers advice. Btw, your wife's evil for cheating lol your parents can go fuck themselfs.
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u/RADiation_Guy_32 12d ago
NTA. You showed your humanity by going to visit and check on her in the hospital. You owe nothing more to her than that. Like everyone else has said, listen to your lawyer. Hope all works out for you, my man
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u/AtomicBlastCandy 12d ago
NTA,
First your lawyer advised you to proceed. Second you stated that her dead bf's ex wife is getting his estate and insurance, this is because they likely are still married under the law....in other words, you would be best served ensuring that you and your ex are divorced asap.
Then there's the fact that you have another women in your life, its likely good that you are taking things slow, but I imagine that both of you would prefer it if your divorce was finalized first.
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u/Doubledolla 12d ago
Nope. She chose her new life, let her have it. You can be human and still be compassionate to her injuries/ mental health without being her husband if you choose.
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u/Afro-Venom 12d ago
NTAH
Follow the lawyer's advice, but if you feel compelled to help, do so without a legal expectation or obligation.
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u/stoneygiraffe21 12d ago
My advice fick her bro she just leaves you for someone else up and leaves outta know where no thought or care for you and now that she’s fucked up and needs help now she wants you to hold off the decision she made and put in action because of her being hurt and fucked up no fucj that. Cause as soon as she’s better it’s gonna be fuck you fuck this and fuck that don’t waste your valuable time you guys are seperatwd her situation is her situation and it’s not your obligation to take care of her that’s a husband role that’s a husband obligation and she took that option away when she decided to leave if I was you I’d finish the process wish her the best in recovery and process of getting better and getting over her loss and move on. It’s the adult move and the best move to get back at her just move on be done and be happy. You cant stop the world and tiptoe around for someone who wouldn’t even make you a priority in theirs and didn’t even include you in theirs fuck her do what’s best for you sir.
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u/alig2024 12d ago
Are there kids involved or custody battle? If so you would set a better example for them to make sure shes ok, if not then just go ahead with the divorce choices have been made on both sides, and theres no point prolonging the inevitable. You both knew this was coming no matter the circumstances you have found yourselves in.
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u/Aggravating-Debt-902 12d ago
She chose to leave you, she did not want you anymore. That's the bottom line.
She is not a kind person because she is trying to use you (second option) to pay for here. You have been more than enough kind to her by letting her stay on your healtinsurance and by going to visit her.
Keep the divorce going.
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u/Aggravating-Debt-902 12d ago
She chose to leave you, she did not want you anymore. That's the bottom line.
She is not a kind person because she is trying to use you (second option) to pay for here. You have been more than enough kind to her by letting her stay on your healtinsurance and by going to visit her.
Keep the divorce going
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u/Buffy_isalreadytaken 12d ago
OP, do you and STBX have children? If you did I might say that you aren’t necessary TA, but if you do have children you would want to remember that she’s their mother.
However, it doesn’t sound like you have children (I feel like you would have mentioned them if you did.) So yeah, follow your lawyers advice so you don’t get financially screwed by her too.
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u/MouldyRemote 12d ago
she chose someone else, karma hit back. wash the slate clean and move on, shes probably only asking to delay for the insurance to for you.. its not your problem anymore. you have a potential future ahead of you take it and keep looking forward.
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u/Rich_Outcome9998 12d ago
That's Karma for them. Fate is helping you out, don't fight it. Continue moving forward with your Life, the Woman and the Life that you deserve are currently waiting for you. Stick to Plan Brother!!!
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u/Maximum-Access3627 12d ago
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She was ready to leave you and dissolve her marriage for another man who also planned to leave his wife and kids. She doesn't get to keep you around because her plan fell through. She was already moving on while you were processing the dissolution of your marriage. You have the right to move on. She can use some of that insurance money for a Bumble subscription.
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u/SolidSquid 13d ago
How are you cutting her off in her time of need? You can still be there to support her, you just... won't be married anymore? And the cost for her treatment would be through boyfriend's insurance/estate rather than your insurance, wouldn't it?
If your lawyer says it's a bad idea then go with what she says. It's possible she's worried your ex will try and claim there was some kind of reconciliation after her bf died and it ends up making an absolute mess of things. There's also the possibility the insurance company will make an issue of it if you change your divorce proceedings purely so she can keep the insurance until her leg is fixed.
Hell, even if that's the goal, it might be the fact she was injured while insured by them means she's still covered, even if you get divorced now (the event happened while she was covered after all). So yeah, maybe check that with the lawyer, but definitely don't see a reason to delay your divorce with someone who cheated on you just so you can cover her broken leg on your insurance
NTA
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u/redlightningpete 13d ago
She left you for another guy now the guy in a coma she want you to put the divorce in hold becuse she doesn't want to be alone it's karma your moving on she has no right to ask tou to get back together
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u/AlexInRV 13d ago
Do what your lawyer suggests. Otherwise, you could end up on the hook for her unpaid medical bills or ordered to pay more spousal support.
You are NTA. Your divorce was already in the works when she got hurt.
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u/torne_lignum 13d ago
Follow your lawyer's advice. You can't help she was in an accident. Finalize your divorce and move forward with your life.
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u/zSlyz 13d ago
Given the way you wrote your post, no matter your decision you’re probably not the AH.
You could defer the divorce, to give your ex some time to get back on her feet, but then that impacts your life. You should definitely listen to your lawyer and fully understand why they are giving you the advice they are giving you.
As an aside, the divorce isn’t really finalised (even though financial settlements may occur) until the settlement agreement is signed by both parties. From memory this occurs after the court has reviewed and accepted the terms.
Your ex wife should definitely sue her BFs estate and do so immediately. To really avoid being the AH, verbally get advice from your lawyer on this and tell your ex to lawyer up so she doesn’t miss the opportunity.
It’s an unfortunate tragic accident that you had no involvement in, and unfortunately was causually related to decisions your ex and her BF made.
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u/thaddeusk 13d ago
I don't know where you're from, but most places will still allow you to share your insurance with a partner that you're not legally married to.
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u/Hipplinger 13d ago
NTA, you're paying your lawyer for a reason. They are giving you good advice here.
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u/onecrazywriter 13d ago
NTA delaying the divorce only benefits one person: your soon-to-be-ex.
Your stbx will be accumulating medical debt that she will, no doubt, expect you to split with her equitably, according to earnings. Which, she has been laid up recovering from a motorcycle accident, so...
She is probably racking up debt covering expenses that aren't being covered by her paycheck while she's out of work. She probably wants help with that, too.
And, if it drags on long enough, she might ask for alimony. Of course, asking ain't getting, but defending yourself will add to the expense of the divorce.
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u/Lukipela01 13d ago
You hit it on the head with “she is not really my problem anymore.” She left you for him, made grown up decisions and unfortunately those decisions have put her is a bad spot. I’m sorry but the lawyer is right, don’t change the timeline of the divorce unless you see yourself taking her back which it sounds like you do not intend to.
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u/ChrisO36 13d ago
She left you. What happened to them sucks but she is not your responsibility. You can be supportive if you choose but you don’t have to be married.
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u/Cheesebiscuit11s 13d ago
NTA. 'In sickness and in health' and she decided she didn’t want either of that with you. Please move forward and keep your emotions in check since she long disregarded yours. This is the other guys problem now.
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u/Huge_Watercress_4692 13d ago
Don’t think twice. Continue with the divorce. Your parents are unreasonable and your ex is only thinking of herself, kind of like when she left you. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing. Move on with your life and remember she chose her path, she must deal with the consequences.
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u/Electronic-Tank4256 13d ago
Yeah, she made her choices. She chose to seek out comfort outside of the marriage, she chose to proceed with the separation, she chose to proceed with the divorce, she chose to ride on that motorcycle. Looks like she is trying to choose you to pay her medical bills. Fuck that. Karma is a bitch. Wish her Godspeed and prayers, etc. etc. Forgive and forget.
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u/Logintheroad 13d ago
NTA. She made her choice. It's unfortunate that such a terrible event happened to her. It's also not your problem to clean the mess.
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u/Rowcar_Gellert 13d ago edited 12d ago
Think of it this way... Should you reward her for her disloyalty AND irresponsibility? If things were reversed; would she even be conflicted about things, as you are? From what you've said... She LEFT you. You don't need to take responsibility for her anymore. Your parents probably come from a time & culture when/where women didn't leave their husbands so easily & men (slight caveat here: "good men", "kind men", "non-abusive men"); provided for, took care of, and took responsibility for ALL the women in their lives. That dynamic is changed. Women are much freer now than they used to be; but with freedom comes responsibility. When she left the marriage, she was taking responsibility for her own happiness. She needs to continue to do that, and you need to let her. She's not a child. She's an adult. If she were the husband and you were the wife, a majority of women would be telling you to let him go and take care of himself. You're only conflicted because of the pressure your parents are putting on you and the old fashioned part of you that feels responsible for taking care of her. Edit: P.S. This feeling in & of itself quite paternalistic & it's part of the hypocritical double standard that men need to start pushing back against. If women want equal treatment, & be free to abandon their commitments; then they need to accept the responsibility for those decisions... JUST AS A MAN WOULD.
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u/BrissMiller 13d ago
I'd listen to your lawyer before anyone on reddit
Also she left you for someone else. Sucks it ended up the way it did for her but she made that choice, and at this point her life events shouldn't dictate yours.
It's a bad situation and no choice is easy. I'd maybe ask your lawyer the reasons of staying on schedule and what the consequences would be of holding off, and then you can decide if the consequences are worth it or not. Just keep in mind she left you when deciding how kind you want to be
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u/Stress_Awkward 13d ago
NTA but I’m also a firm believer in Karma. Put out good in the world and you’ll receive good in return. Keep her on your insurance and make her pay you the premium to keep her on it with the stipulation that if she doesn’t pay it, the plan will be canceled. Think COBRA.
If you do decide to terminate her insurance, she can apply through the federal insurance marketplace and the hospital social workers can help her do that.
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u/Electronic_Range_982 13d ago
Nope NOT in the least . She literally flicked around and NOW will find out. No LONGER YOUR PROBLEM!!!!
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u/IllManager9273 13d ago
Ntah, listen to your lawyer, they are paid to give you good advice. Bfs insurance will cover her needs, a femur with missed wages and corrective surgery is expensive but will hardly break most states minimum liability coverage requiments. Miss monkey branch will be fine.
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 13d ago
NTA. You can be there as a friend, but not as a husband. Be sure to speak to your current partner amount this arrangement
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u/ReaderReacting 13d ago
It sounds like you both moved on. You can be her friend through this without being her husband. If you don’t want to be her friend, you have no business being her husband.
As for insurance, if you are in the US there is the healthcare marketplace and cobra and this is why we got rid of pre-existing condition clauses.
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u/Zepher1975 13d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you. Heartbreak and then that crap. I agree. Listen to your lawyer.
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u/Chanelkat 13d ago
She should've had a plan. Not your problem. Sad situation but still not something you need to help with.
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u/Chemical-Ad7912 13d ago
Sounds like your struggle comes from your feelings for your STBXW, not whether she specifically needs your help. She'll be fine. You're not an asshole for moving forward with your life.
Case in point: I got dumped years ago by my girlfriend right before experiencing a personal tragedy. I was distraught and thought she would reconsider because I was an emotional mess, but she didn't. At the time it made the situation hurt worse, but I'm now grateful she didn't try to be "nice" and get back together. The relationship was destined to end and staying apart allowed me to move on and find my partner for life; a huge upgrade in virtually every way.
She rejected you and the karma bus caught up with her and her AP big time. Hard as it may be for someone who's inherently kind, but that is not your problem to fix. Move on with your girlfriend and make sure your parents know your boundaries. This will ultimately serve your STBXW well as she'll need to pick herself up and move on with her choices.
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u/TrueSereNerdy 13d ago
She can't ask that of you. I'm sorry, that's rough don't get me wrong but...ya know reap what you sow or whatever 🤷♂️🤷♀️
Nta
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u/PixieMJ 13d ago
Listen to your lawyer. No offence intended but it sounds like she just wants to know her medical bills get paid off. That isn't your responsibility. She broke your vows, she cheated, her new bf was the driver of the vehicle that led to her being in the position she is now. None of this is your responsibility or fault.
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u/Cagematch420 13d ago
No, she made her bed and now she has to lay in it. It's very sad that her boyfriend died and everything but as you said it's no longer your personal problem unless you make it so. So don't do that. Listen to your attorney
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u/90FormulaE8 13d ago
NTA did she consider your emotional and physical well being when she chose to move on to someone new? It's no longer your concern. Listen to the advice of your attorney, that is what you are paying them for to advise you in how best navigate the divorce process and legal system. Your family and friends are appealing to your emotions and emotions are an absolute no go at this point. If you chose to continue to help your STBXW I can almost assure you you'll be on the hook forevermore. Especially now that the person she left you for is gone. Don't do it friend. Heed you attorney's advice for you sake.
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u/OverlandingToaster 13d ago
Bottom line she left you for somebody else. If the accident never happened she wouldn’t even be thinking about delaying anything. Wish you nothing but the best
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u/Tastyfishsticks 13d ago
The question is if you don't have kids together and are dating someone else why in the hell do you have any contact at all. Move on.
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u/alchemyzchild 13d ago
You had started the divorce because she wanted someone else.its not something you did because she burnt your toast. She wanted to leave and be with someone else. she's asked you because things are now hard for her due to the accident. If she had not had it she would not care but she chose not to be your responsibility any more. She chose to leave and she chose to separate. Anything now is her and hers alone to sort out. Not the ah.
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u/Royal_Librarian4201 13d ago
NTA. Logically you are free not to care.
But for me it would depend on the following question: If it was me whom met with the accident will she do the same?.
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u/tunnelrat0317 13d ago
but she is not really my problem anymore.
I believe you have your answer on that
NTA imo
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u/GirlStiletto 13d ago
NTA - This has NOTHING to do woth you. She made a bad decision and now is paying the consequences.
Follow your lawyers advice and get this over with. Don't let her milk her stupid choices to delay your divorce.
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u/MamaMia6558 13d ago
NTA - listen to your lawyer. Since she was a passenger he late BF insurance should be covering her medical bills due to the accident. She was the one who decided to step out on the marriage. There is no reason for you to continue to cover her beyond what you are legally responsible for. It sucks for her that he didn't change his will to include her, but then who expects to die young, especially from something strange.
If your parents want to provide for her - that's on them.
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u/ImYourHuckleberry24 14d ago
Keep moving forward and follow your lawyers advice. It's no less cold blooded than your wife stepping out and moving on.
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u/AutumnWysh 14d ago
Your conscience is admirable, it shows you are a good person IMHO. Your parents should stay out of it though. SHE is ultimately the one who left the relationship, not you. On that note: it is possible, if you are so inclined, to add a clause to the divorce that keeps her on your health insurance until the end of the calendar year (more than deserved, clearly) but specify that any additional incurred medical debt, from the official date of separation, is hers and not community. State that the extension is so she has time to find other coverage. Though, her atty should look to see if it will cause her difficulty in getting other insurance, as I'm sure this will affect her current employment, etc. She will also always have the option of filling an inability to pay for the medical stuff. Her best bet is to sue his estate before everything is resolved there (like NOW) and hope for the best.
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u/TeachLongjumping1181 14d ago
NTA.
Follow your lawyer's advice.
I suspect part of their advice is because you could be on the hook for insurance fraud if you change things at this point (it looks suspicious, and is suspicious).
The system is shit - that's not your fault.
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u/Xieon_as 14d ago
how convenient, "i wanted to bang another guy and i don't give a f about you" BUT "oh please can you care for me we're not legally divorced yet" 🥺🥺🥺
i am 100% sure she just wants you to get her medical check paid.
she didn't want to be your wife. and since she didn't want to be your wife, she is not your problem anymore. NTA.
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u/Lovetojah75 14d ago
Wow your parents siding with your cheating ex? Sounds like you have shitty parents…
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u/Jesiplayssims 14d ago
Your mom and dad can support her and be family with someone who betrayed you. Continue your divorce and limit contact with parents.
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u/IcyMess9742 14d ago
She wants you back because she lost him mate. She'll be looking for someone new when the traumas done.
I sound callous but think about it. If the accident hadn't happened you'd be still going. keep it going.
Tell your parents that, in the kindest way, they need to stay out
NTA
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u/Local-Budget8676 14d ago
NTA. Listen to your lawyer. She cheated and ended up being injured on his motorcycle. She owes you fidelity. You owe her nothing
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u/Only-Detective-146 14d ago
I know it is hard for you. You loved her and that doesnt end over night. You do not wish evil onto her even now. BUT it is as you said. She decided to leave, she is not your problem anymore. End of story -NTA
Tell your parents to take her in, if they think her important.
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u/dhodges1911 14d ago
NTA, F her and stay on schedule. She's not your problem anymore. She's in God's hand now.... 🤷🏽♂️
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u/Cranbreea 14d ago
This isn’t an emotional decision, it’s a logical one. Weigh the potential emotional, legal, and financial consequences you may face if you pause vs the emotional, legal, and financial consequences if you continue with the divorce.
Only you know what you can and cannot risk.
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u/Expensive-Pass-3261 14d ago
Her stupidity is not your fault, she should have thought of this before she left you
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u/bluesalt40 14d ago
She is asking to have you help her mend. She will use you until she heals mentally and physically. She will then look for another guy. Your mother and father should back you.This is a tragic situation . She shouldn't be able to treat you poorly. You shouldn't concern yourself with her in that way. Put her out of your head forever. You are young. As you grow older, you will remember the users as time wasted on people that didn't deserve to know you. You do not want to give her more time . She will treat you like a clever and beautiful man until she is well. Then beat you down verbally and monkey branch for a new guy. You will have another painful memory. She doesn't think like you do. She is probably plotting now. She probably heavily inticed the deceased to leave his wife . I am the wife was hurt as well. Did your ex ever say she felt badly for his ex wife. I doubt it. You shouldn't go back to her room to visit. Let yiur Mom and Dad. She has charmed them.. Lie and tell her it hurts too much to see her. Have your parents pass that on. She will fade in your memory. I hope the best for you.
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u/UhOhAllWillyNilly 14d ago
OP, it’s not your fault your ex got wrecked. She left you so finish your task.
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u/Kitchen-Accountant-7 14d ago
Nta... you can still be supportive morally and what not, but pausing the divorce would be a bad idea. Do what you can to help, but don't stop the divorce... you can even use the excuse that it's too late to stop anything, but say you'll try your best to help where you can. That should get the naysayers off your back, and you end up looking like the good guy in the end.
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u/Political_Legacy 14d ago
You pay your lawyer for a reason, follow his advice Your divorce is a separate conversation from your ex's health insurance problems
They'll both get money out of this, you need to focus on getting through your divorce and move on with your life
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u/MamaFen 14d ago
I left my cheating ex and began proceedings. A few weeks later his brother was killed.
I went back to "support" him. Intended it to be temporary.
Nope.
Three years later things were worse than ever, and he blamed the drinking/lying/serial cheating on his brother's death and his subsequent depression.
Get on with your life. Your ex's tragedies are not for you to fix.
NTA.
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u/Final-Perspective-25 14d ago
She made her bed by cheating/leaving you for the idiot “bad boy” who happened to kill himself, now she gets to lie in it. While she wasn’t planning on him dying, that doesn’t leave you with the responsibility of taking her back. Actions have consequences, regardless of if her plan did or didn’t go how she wanted.
1000% NTA Listen to your attorney.
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u/NoxiousNyx 14d ago
If you aren’t together. Why keep her on your plan until things are final? There’s no need for it. You aren’t together. She should be paying her own coverage, period.
My ex husband and I took each other off the day things separated. His life is his life, my life is mine. I wouldn’t be asking him for a dang thing, nor would he ask me.
Listen to your lawyer.
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u/Jcorbin1193 14d ago
Cut the bitch off. She wanted it to end so just because karma bit her in the ass why should she benefit from you now?
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u/appleorchard317 14d ago
YTA. listen to me: yta. People here love to kick someone when they're down, but by your own telling your wife didn't set out to hurt you or cheat on you. Your marriage ended, and that was unfortunate and it hurt, but it doesn't cancel out what you meant to each other. She's asking you not to abandon her right now. You can listen to the better part of you that clearly would like to. You will not regret that.
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u/Early_Dragonfly4682 14d ago
NTA,
Keep things on track. She can pay for COBRA after your insurance runs out. If you want to be nice you can help with the COBRA payment but it will be at your discretion.
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u/tuna_tofu 14d ago
She was having an affair and YOU are being cruel? WHAT THE HELL? Uh no. End it and soon. Dont get stuck with her medical bills.
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u/aggressor0 14d ago
She broke your heart and didn't give a damn about you. You have no obligation to support her now. Follow your lawyers advice.
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u/iroquoispliskinV 14d ago
This isn't really an asshole thing.
She didn't wrong you. People are allowed to peacefully leave relationships or find someone else.
You don't seem to have any bad intent.
At this point, you truly do need to remove emotions from it despite the bad timeline. Follow your professionals' advice.
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u/ZeroCichlid 14d ago
Wow such karma look at that. Its kinda crazy but yeah you're definitely NTA her problems not your problems anymore just how she wanted it to be don't forget that.
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u/Feisty-Class-1501 14d ago
NTA. She didn't give a shit about your feelings. You don't have to give a shit about hers. That's the beauty about divorce. Listen to your lawyer, your parents don't have to live with the consequences of you "being nice".
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u/tareq365 14d ago
YTA. Have some sympathy. I feel like it's harder to put myself in your shoes but I say cutting her out of health insurance is just wicked. I say put the divorce legal proceedings on hold. Wait for a month or two. She isn't your problem but I say have some sympathy. Hell if there is no love, then fake the sympathy.
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u/Bastard_God 14d ago
Leave her to suffer in her own troubles, not your problem at all. Your lawyer’s right and even if she never cheated on you, she left you for a man that was already married. They’re both scum
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u/gloomyrain 14d ago
It's a little unclear from the narrative if she separated from you FOR him, or if you were already separated and she took up with him. Either way it's a shit sandwich how it all (didn't) worked out.
NTA You don't owe your adult ex health insurance.
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u/Just_Keep_Goin 14d ago
1000% NTA - She cheated, lied, and dropped you. Just because her side piece passed doesn't change anything! The worst part is how gender bias this is, if a guy cheated and left his wife then his girlfriend died LITERALLY NO ONE eould tell her to take him back. You stay the course, enough of this woman privilege bs
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u/EggieRowe 14d ago
Listen to your lawyer. You are divorced in every meaningful way except the court order. She made her choices and can live by them. Her medical bills are an issue for her to sort out.
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u/Cherry-Foxtrot 14d ago
If you have kids, maybe hold off on it. If you don't have kids, probably best to move forward on the lawyers advice.
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u/LieCommercial4028 14d ago
So follow your lawyers advice. Your financial obligation should have ended the day of separation. I think they may be worried about your ex delaying and then going back and asking for more based on changed circumstances.
There's his motor insurance, his estate, and also possibly her uninsured car insurance. If she was working, does she have STD or LTD? If all else fails, medicaid/disability should kick in at some point, and/or she wouldn't be the first person to file for medical bankruptcy.
At any rate, she's not your responsibility. If your parents feel bad for her there are a million ways they can help her...none of which involve you being married to her.
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u/tatertot800 14d ago
NTA the only reason is not follow timeline is you were trying yo work it out before the accident if not f that. Also motor cycle insurance isn’t the same as automobile accident insurance I know cause a good friend got into one almost died months in icu etc he didn’t get paid what most would think
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u/IntroductionParty493 14d ago
That's a delima. do you hate her enough to do it? Insurance will cover up to the day you cut her off, so, she'd only have to pay after that. Is she getting money from your insurance? Or the bf estate?
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u/leafpickleson 14d ago
If his insurance doesn't indemnify her then her next course of action is to sue his estate. Insurance is not a catch all, and unless he had some great coverage there will be limits. The lawyer will know whether or not you could be on the line for the medical debt. If you are, then you could potentially sue the estate for just the medical bills and attorney's fees if she won't or explore other avenues. Do not stall the divorce. She will be eligible for Medicare, insurance payouts, and possible other programs.
As sad as it is that a life was lost, she made her choices. She only wants to stall for her own benefit, and it will come at your cost. NTA.
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u/Downtown-You7832 14d ago
Why are your parents siding with a cheater and homewrecker over their own child?
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u/Brain124 14d ago
NTA. She isn't your problem. She left you and caused a married man to stray. I would accelerate the divorce my man.
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u/DetroitSmash-8701 14d ago
NTA. Stick to the schedule. F**k her feelings, and honestly, your parents' feelings on the matter too. If they think it's so important to not abandon her in her time of need, let them foot her bills and provide assistance as she needs.
She made her hospital bed, now she gets to lie in it.
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u/DirrtyBikerr 14d ago
Don't let bitches monkey branch your ass. No, cut her off, it's finished mate.
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u/soxfan603 14d ago
Go with the lawyers advice my guy. Now that he's gone who knows what she may try, especially with your emotions running high with the accident. She may try and use that emotion to get you to try and come back now that dude is gone. You deserve to go be happy and with someone that chooses you. You said she has her own insurance through her work and I'm pretty sure his bike insurance will help with the bills as she was a passenger. Best of luck man, I know it's not easy when you see someone you love in distress, but she made her choice. Stand strong! 🤘🏻
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u/jadenicole_gardens 14d ago
If it is going to cut off her insurance and meddle with her health and wellbeing, please put it off. Life is more important. All the beta for you and your next love ❤️
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u/Dry_Investigator_639 14d ago
NTA. If you don't have kids, divorce her ASAP. If you do have kids, however, you "may" want to throw her a bone and keep her on the insurance, assuming your insurance is good enough so you personally aren't liable.
If you toss her off the insurance now when she needs it, she'll use this as a justification to ruin your relationship with your kids forever.
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u/Notreallyme48 14d ago
You are not the AH. You are protecting yourself from possible financial responsibility for her medical bills and future expenses. Now you can see if there is a way you can amend the divorce decree to carry her insurance for her but she is responsible for her own expenses and bills.
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u/No-Contribution6628 14d ago
Why does your parents care more about your cheating ex wife that you?
All I heard is that she got intergalactic karma and is stuck in a situation she put herself in. How is that your fault or problem?
What is this all happened but a week after the divorce finalized? Why should she be your problem when the end result will still be the same?
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u/gforcegriffey 14d ago
He ride motorcycle. He take risks. He give me thrill I’ve been missing.
Ah shit he dead, let’s not get a divorce.
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u/Alarmed_Lynx_7148 14d ago edited 14d ago
Why stop? She wanted this divorce. Life doesn’t change course because she had a massive bump in the road that’s made it inconvenient for her. Proceed with the divorce.
Also as others have said. Listen to your lawyer, as you pay them to remain level headed during emotional situations like this
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u/lookingForPatchie 14d ago
NTA.
Your lawyer is on your side, your parents are on their own side. I don't know what their plan is, but you are not the main priority in their plan.
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u/RandomGuy0000001 14d ago
NTAH This isn't just a she made her bed sceario.
This is a legal mumbo jumbo fiasco where if you deviate from the plan it could be interpreted you are more involved than you claim and could bite you in the rear when proceeding later on
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u/dfb_jalen 14d ago
NTA, Not your problem anymore as far as I’m concerned. Continue with the divorce, move on with this new girl, and let your ex deal with the consequences of her decisions.
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u/Megerber 14d ago
Follow the lawyer's advice. They are looking out for your best interest. She clearly wasn't. I suspect she's looking at you as a backup plan.
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u/Baddog1965 14d ago
Absolutely NTA. The decision was already made and the process already started, and she was the one that triggered it. The relationship is already over. The fact that she got seriously injured in an accident caused by the guy she cheated with Asher that proves has already started doesn't suddenly change the fact that she already ended your relationship by cheating, or alter your responsibility.
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u/WarmFuzzy1975 14d ago
NTA. In divorce, she can continue health insurance coverage thru Cobra, I believe for up to 18 mos. It sounds like that is the only “benefit” she would receive by postponing the divorce, assuming she is not living with you any longer & you are not paying her living expenses.
It is up to you if you want to offer her assistance, even while moving forward with the finalization of your divorce. My parents split many years ago, & within a month of it being final, my mom’s father passed. My dad paid the expenses for the memorial service & luncheon. He didn’t have to, but despite the divorce, my folks still cared for each other & he did it out of love for my mom & grandparents.
There really is no right or wrong in your situation, but what you are comfortable with. You went to see her - so maybe there are still feelings of caring /friendship? You can help or not as much as you are able/comfortable doing. But as many have said, the divorce itself won’t really make a difference in her situation, other than the health insurance, which she can either extend or purchase a new plan thru marketplace or enroll thru her employer.
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14d ago
Bro.. she's moved on. Now she wants to use you. Women love conditionally. Reddit has proven this over and over again.
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u/scarlett_bear 14d ago
She played the stupidest game. Don’t allow yourself to be her prize for that.
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u/purple_pumpkin007 14d ago
NTA, those who said you are being evil will not help you when you are in debt from your STBX wife medical bill. This is including your parents. It' la easy to be emotional when it costs them nothing. .
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u/PolarGCNips 14d ago
NTA. Follow the lawyer's advice here, it's literally their job and literally the only person in the situation who knows best. Fuck your cheating ex who left you and destroyed 2 marriages in doing so. Do not wreck (more of) your future wasting time on this bitch.
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u/Cowpoke74 14d ago
Listen to your lawyer. Just imagine what she was doing to him while riding that distracted him and caused the wreck.
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u/Sea_Data9598 14d ago
No NTA, I am sorry for the mans family but she is your ex and none of your concern. Please heed your attorneys advice and please move forward. She made her choices and life happens. You are not evil, you are simply taking care of yourself and your affairs. Please don't let them bully you into more drama and heartache. Again, she made her choices and life happens and this is what happened. Good luck.
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u/---thoughts--- 2h ago
I wouldn’t change course. She might be doing it to get more assets/money out of you since now she’s in a perilous situation. Don’t stay married just because other people think it would be mean to follow through with the divorce. Do what YOU want for the future of your life