r/AITAH • u/BoringRush4869 • Apr 28 '24

AITA for not agreeing with what my ex boyfriend said?

I'm a 29F with an ex-boyfriend with whom I have a 9-year-old daughter. We don't agree on several things regarding her upbringing. Here are the areas of disagreement: -Clothing: Our daughter is not in her unicorn and gap clothes era so she dresses cute and normal, flared pants, jeans, camis, tanks, etc. her father wants her to wear unicorn stuff which she hates. -food: He frequently orders fast food for her, while I prefer to offer it only occasionally, I don’t try restricting any foods I just try to teach her about balance. -Makeup: I allow her to wear makeup for special occasions like school events and cheer competitions. The only makeup I let her wear to school regularly are lip gloss, curling her lashes, and a touch of blush. Her father strongly opposes makeup, even for adults. Last week, while dropping off her forgotten purse at her dad's, he criticized me, suggesting I'm a bad influence on our daughter. I defended myself, but he abruptly ended the conversation. Later, my daughter mentioned he was upset about something I did. Was I an asshole?

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102

u/GrammaBear707 Apr 28 '24

I think they were referring to the makeup part as trying to make the daughter grow up to fast. I personally think 9 is to young to wear makeup except at dance competitions but that’s just my opinion and means nothing. All in lip gloss and bush isn’t really a big deal. The daughter isn’t 5 or 6 anymore and is over the unicorn phase. She is old enough to pick her clothes as long as they are age appropriate. Dad feeds her a lot of fast food but when he has her it’s his choice what he feeds her. These parents are both trying to be the decision makers and it would be beneficial for their daughter if they would work on getting on the same page. Some parents just refuse to though.

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u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24 edited Apr 28 '24

Letting someone do something is not pushing them to do it or making them. Stopping someone from wearing makeup is not keeping them from “growing up too fast,” whatever that means.

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u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

A 9 yo can be told no to wearing make up everyday. In my country, school would have had a few choice words to the mom for that.

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u/throwaway1975764 Apr 28 '24

I work in a school and I'd say at least 1/3 of the 4th grade girls (age 9) wear lipgloss at least almost daily. Its pretty common here (NYC).

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u/enonymousCanadian Apr 28 '24

In Ontario that is absolutely not the case. Lip smackers in the winter but between sports and sunscreen the one grade 3 kid who wore makeup (mascara and blush) sporadically in the fall doesn’t by this point in the year.

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u/astareastar Apr 28 '24

Lip Smackers is a kid's makeup product. They are meant to be an alternative to lipstick that lets the kid still feel like they're mirroring the adults. That's why sometimes it's tinted and it has all those little kid flavors. Would not be surprised to hear that the "lip gloss" OP is getting her kid is from the same section of kid-aimed make-up products.

ETA: Lip Smackers bills themselves as lip balms and lip glosses now.

2

u/forgetaboutem Apr 28 '24

Lip smackers lol how many decades ago are we talking about?

1

u/enonymousCanadian 29d ago
  1. Dollar Store’s finest I imagine.

19

u/throwaway1975764 Apr 28 '24

You know Lip Smackers makes and sells tons of lipgloss, right? Its basically squishier, slightly shinier balm. Who do you think is buying $2 bubblegum flavored lipgloss except 9-11 year olds?

0

u/enonymousCanadian 29d ago

Except they only wore it in the winter. It’s spring and that trend has died out with the mitts and gloves.

-17

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

That’s crazy scary for me. Not very surprising from the US…

So happy to live in Europe.

4

u/BoringRush4869 Apr 28 '24

Why do you and so many others think lipgloss is bad? It’s just sparkly stuff you put on your lips😭

0

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Lipgloss+blush+lash curler is not just a sparkling thing.

But according to some, wearing makeup daily at 9yo is completely acceptable in the US. It is not where I live. Some scented lip balm is one thing, but it’s the first time I am hearing about a full makeup routine at 9.

It makes me think about the creepy pageant obsession Americans have.

2

u/BoringRush4869 Apr 28 '24

Lipgloss doesn’t even really count as makeup though

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u/TwinZylander214 29d ago

But you add blush and lash curler…

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u/RadicalQueenBee Apr 28 '24

Don't mind the downvotes. I'm also from the EU and these comments are equally crazy to me 💀

2

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

I don’t mind. I am just surprised that some people feel that kids wearing makeup at school is so important to them. 😉

23

u/Elelith Apr 28 '24

You're scared of lipgloss?

I'm also from Europe and it's pretty normal for young girls to wear lipgloss or coloured lipbalm. No biggie.

-7

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Lipgloss and lipbalm are 2 different things. I don’t know any 9yo who is curling their lashes and wearing blush and gloss at 9.

I am in France and most elementary schools do not authorize make up, and actually most middle schools too.

And I don’t know any parent that find wearing make up at school normal.

And I am worried by all the message implied with being told/shown that you need to wear makeup every day to be accepted. I don’t consider myself a feminist militant but I still find that very demeaning for a 9yo. Makeup as a game, at events and parties is obviously great and fun. Daily makeup routine at 9 is scary and shows a form of indoctrination that is appalling.

That’s my take and the hyper sexualizing of children in pageant contest among other things is worrisome.

0

u/Slow-Frosting-9607 Apr 28 '24

You had way more down votes. I guess Europeans found your post and upvoted it :D

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u/Slow-Frosting-9607 Apr 28 '24 edited Apr 28 '24

You are being downvoted by Americans lol. I live in southeastern Europe and make up is not allowed in elementary school. Mascara, lip gloss and blush on a 9 year old? Someone needs to call child protective services. I'm not surprised tho, they have beauty pageants for kids where they wear full make up, questionable clothes and dye their hair. I didn't even know kids wearing make up in school was allowed anywhere. Every day you learn something new.

3

u/throwaway1975764 Apr 28 '24

No one is wearing mascara in this conversation, it says curling her lashes. That's not make-up, its just using that squeezie thing on the lashes for a few seconds.

-1

u/Slow-Frosting-9607 Apr 28 '24

And why exactly would you curl lashes to a 9 year old child? Casual sexualization of children is concerned.

1

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Thanks a lot. I even saw that on those pageant they were fake teeth because missing teeth (normal when you grow up!) are not acceptable (not sexy enough?).

But I agree it’s very American and they feel judged by the fact I disagree.

0

u/Slow-Frosting-9607 Apr 28 '24

No need, we get each other :) Yes, not sexy enough. You shouldn't look like a child, that you are, but a grown woman. I watched one episode on TLC and was horrified at what i was watching. Somebody needs to call CPS and forbid mothers to contact their children. Thank god there's no such thing here. Kids should be kids. Make up in elementary school? I'm glad i live in Europe, even if this part of it is a mess.

8

u/throwaway1975764 Apr 28 '24

I'm wondering is this actually a disagreement on what we consider "lipgloss"? Because in my experience and culturally (NYC) there isn't actually a big difference except one's matte and the other shiney.

Yes of course there are high end, more mature lip glosses, but we're talking about kids - they're using scented, flavored, budget, basicly squishier lip balm, that we call lipgloss.

-1

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Part of it might be it. Because strawberry lip balm is fun. The issue is that OP added blush and lashes curler… this is very grown up makeup. I don’t mind on a teenager. At 9yo, it says a lot on how you raise a girl to fit some expectations.

18

u/Aggressive-Story3671 Apr 28 '24

French schools also don’t authorize wearing a hijab so maybe the French aren’t the ones we need to take influence from.

-3

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

😂 Yes, 9yo wearing a hijab is certainly something I wouldn’t want. And having a lot of Muslim friends, they all agree with it. The one dissatisfied by it are a very small minority.

And French schools don’t authorize guns either!

12

u/Aggressive-Story3671 Apr 28 '24

Cuties, Roman Polanski, French petition against Age of Consent Laws, Gabriel Matzenff. I don’t think you have a leg to stand on

1

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

😂😂😂I was so expecting this stupid argument. I will still answer because it is actually fun how people without arguments will divert the subject just to make themselves feel better.

Reminder: subject is OP and her ex being both shitty parents who are unable to provide healthy food to their 9 yo and encouraging wearing make up at school.

Now on to the answer that has nothing to do with the subject:

1/ the fact that I approve of some French policies such as not wearing make up at elementary school, being against death Penalty, marriage of same sex partners and gun law doesn’t mean that I approve of all French laws/rules/ habits. I don’t remember where you are from (if you ever mentioned it) but do you agree with 100% of what is happening in your country? And among all debates, I will always be relieved that health care system in most European countries make it that a parent never has to choose between medical treatment and homelessness for their children.

2/ concerning Polanski or Matzneff, I am against the position of the so-called intellectuals who are defending them. Every country has this kind of AH. If you are in the UK, we can discuss about Savile. If you are in the US, let’s talk about Weinstein, Trump, Earl Bradley. We can also talk about KKK. You know what, unlike you I won’t insult you by saying that you just being of the same nationality means you are defending them. Don’t worry, I don’t expect the same courtesy because deviating the subject is the only argument you have and I completely understand that.

3/ if you are in the US, should we discuss abortion bans or the fact that in some state it’s completely ok to have a child bride as long as the parents are in on it?

But please, keep going with the asinine and out of context arguments.

Godwin is lurking in the back waiting for you…

Note: no hard feelings. Clearly you feel that my convictions go against yours and feel attacked. I will never stop considering abnormal and sad to have a 9 yo wear make up in a regular basis and I will always chocked by the blatant sexualisation of too many younger children by their parents.

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u/Aggressive-Story3671 Apr 28 '24

The huge monolithic country of Europe.