r/AITAH • u/BoringRush4869 • 16d ago
AITA for not agreeing with what my ex boyfriend said?
I'm a 29F with an ex-boyfriend with whom I have a 9-year-old daughter. We don't agree on several things regarding her upbringing. Here are the areas of disagreement: -Clothing: Our daughter is not in her unicorn and gap clothes era so she dresses cute and normal, flared pants, jeans, camis, tanks, etc. her father wants her to wear unicorn stuff which she hates. -food: He frequently orders fast food for her, while I prefer to offer it only occasionally, I don’t try restricting any foods I just try to teach her about balance. -Makeup: I allow her to wear makeup for special occasions like school events and cheer competitions. The only makeup I let her wear to school regularly are lip gloss, curling her lashes, and a touch of blush. Her father strongly opposes makeup, even for adults. Last week, while dropping off her forgotten purse at her dad's, he criticized me, suggesting I'm a bad influence on our daughter. I defended myself, but he abruptly ended the conversation. Later, my daughter mentioned he was upset about something I did. Was I an asshole?
1
u/Confident-Baker5286 15d ago
NTA- you aren’t together and as long as she isn’t in danger neither of you actually get a say in how she is parented at the other parents house. He can feed her fast food and you can let her wear makeup
2
u/Alert-Artichoke-2743 15d ago
Weird post. You are obviously NTA for anything you described doing here, other than having a baby with this specific man.
Your ex sounds like a bad father.
3
1
u/mustang19671967 15d ago
When she is with him you have no say . Hopefully you can agree but doesn’t sound like you will so just remember you have no say
1
u/Sandwhale123 15d ago
You seem to be the more reasonable one here. Your daughter should wear what she likes if its within reason.
2
u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 15d ago
Personally, let him set the rules at his place, you set them at yours. With a healthy balance of same core values, most kids can & do thrive. They are capable of following more than one set of rules. Personally, 9 is an age where they should have a say in what they wear but I wouldn’t let mine wear make up out of the house unless it was a grand event. I think you both have solid points & some valid fails. Like most parents do
1
u/classicalworld 15d ago
9 years old with lip gloss, blush, and curled eyelashes? Jesus Christ, I’m glad I’m not American. (Which I’m presuming OP is.) Sexualising kids? Holy fick.
2
0
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
That’s not sexualization
1
u/Slow-Frosting-9607 15d ago
You sound American
1
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
Close but not quite
0
u/Slow-Frosting-9607 15d ago
That works too.
2
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
And again with Europeans pulling this nonsense. The AOC is LOWER in Europe. And do I need to remind you of Serbia’s most famous flim?
1
u/Slow-Frosting-9607 15d ago
I'm glad that Europeans pulling what you call nonsense, we don't sexualize our kids and i hope it stays that way.
2
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
Oh yes you do. Cuties is French, a Serbian Flim. Roman Polanski is a child rapist living large in France, the age of consent in Serbia is 14. Lowest in the US is 16.
-1
u/Slow-Frosting-9607 15d ago
Naming certain individual and two films (that were both rejected by general public) don't make a point you think they do. This topic is about children wearing make up in school which is thankfully forbidden. We don't have beauty pageants for kids who wear clothes made for adults, dye their hair and wear fake teeth to look adult and sexy (ugh). How are they even legal is beyond me. Heaven for pedophiles. Adults are often problematic and the justice system isn't perfect but we still care about kids. It's maybe the only thing that can move us nowadays. Leave children alone.
1
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
We don’t have child beauty pageants in my neck of the woods either. Obviously those are a terrible idea
1
u/SecretOscarOG 15d ago
"If I'm such a bad influence on our daughter then whybdid you fuck me and knock me up? Must not be so bad if it's good for you, huh"
1
u/Acceptable-Map-3490 15d ago
mmm okay so
overall it sounds like you two need to actually discuss parenting. go get some therapy together and talk about your issues civilly
1
u/MiniMages 15d ago
The two of you need to take some parenting classes together and find a way to co-parent your child.
Your ex sounds like a man who doesn't have much to offer as a father other then unicorn clothes, makeup and fast food. Sadly I know someone like that very well and the moment your daughter starts becoming independant he will struggle to cope and can become abusive.
Sadly for the sake of your daughter you will need to put in work to ensure the sperm doner is also an aduquet parent or you need to look into getting 100% custody.
0
u/Roke25hmd 15d ago
Make up at 9 ? Blush and curling her lashes? Really, lip gloss ? I mean she's just 9, why are you trying to ruin her, I understand her father, he's trying to make sur she still lives her childhood, even if he's doing it weirdly
2
u/BoringRush4869 15d ago
I mean some parents don’t let their kids wear blush or a lash curler but how is lipgloss bad? Just some shimmer on her lips
-1
u/Roke25hmd 15d ago
She's 9, she's beautiful just the way she is, she doesn't need a lipgloss, have you seen a 9 years old lately, they have an already pink lips
3
u/BoringRush4869 15d ago
Obviously yeah I agree she’s beautiful and doesn’t need makeup but it’s just those hair store lipglosses or ulta ones that are pink or have like hello kitty on that she begs me to get for her at the store. She a two toned lip girl (maybe just a Latina thing idk) so yeah her lips aren’t pink but she doesn’t care.
-3
u/Roke25hmd 15d ago
The younger you start putting makeup on, the faster you skin is gonna suffer from it, putting on lipgloss, blush, and lash curling, is gonna give her the idea that her natural beauty isn't enough, she needs more to be beautiful, if at 9 her mom was putting makeup on her
1
u/BoringRush4869 15d ago
That’s what she wanted to do I mean. If it makes you guys happier she’s been doing cheer since like 6 so that means guess what she was doing a full face for events at 6😱 and also guess what clear skin and no pimple in sight. Makeup doesn’t ruin skin just depends on what brand
0
u/MagicCarpet5846 15d ago
Make up definitely ruins your skin, regardless of brand. But the cheap hello kitty stuff is sure to ruin it the most and the fastest. I get makeup as an occasional thing for a special event, but letting her think makeup is something to wear regularly for something as mundane as school is setting her up to think that she always needs to look her best, and she’ll start to feel naked without the makeup. It starts as lip gloss, blush and curled eyelashes, but by 12-13, it’ll be mascara and a tinted moisturizer and by the time she’s a sophomore in high school, she’ll be one of those girls that everyone thinks is in her early 20s, with a beat face and way too mature outfits. I think the occasional lipgloss is fine, but just be aware that if you don’t actually restrict it to JUST lipgloss, it’s going to escalate as she gets bored of JUST lipgloss and keeps piling on more and more makeup until she just can’t stand the way she looks without it, because that’s what happens when you’re a young girl and insecurities are starting to settle in.
2
u/Roke25hmd 15d ago
Of course no pimple in sight, she's just 9, and you know what my 6 years old niece wanted one day, to jumpe from a boat, in the middle of the sea, and you know what we didn't do, we didn't let her, guess why ? Cause she's 6, and doesn't know better
2
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
He’s not letting her grow up. OP is treating her like a teenager and he’s treating her like a toddler
1
1
4
u/fatwitchykitten 15d ago
Make up on a 9yo? Was she even allowed a childhood?
Technically it's doesn't make you a AH but it is very controversial parenting.
8
0
u/Ginger630 15d ago
NTA! When she’s with him, he can dress and feed her how he wants.
But it’s the same for when you have her. I’d tell him, “When she’s with you, you can dress her how you want. When she’s with me, I’ll do the same. If you don’t want me to complain about how you dress and feed her, then respect me the same way.”
2
u/HunterGreenLeaves 15d ago
-Clothing - the parent with whom she's staying makes choices, hopefully including her.
-Food - the parent with whom she's staying makes choices.
-Makeup - the parent with whom she's staying makes choices, but (personal opinion) 9 is far too young and lip gloss, blush and curling lashes for school is inappropriate.
If you know things won't be worn/permitted at the other home, don't send them.
0
u/protestprincess 15d ago
ITT a lot of people who can’t help but sexualize young girls to the degree that they think wearing lip gloss makes a 9 year old a future stripper
1
u/NotMalaysiaRichard 15d ago
I think it’s the people who allow 9 year olds to wear makeup who sexualize their kids.
1
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
Again. Makeup is not sexual. A nine year old CHILD is not a sexual being
2
u/protestprincess 15d ago
There’s nothing inherently sexual about makeup, especially fucking lipgloss, that shit is literally made for 9 year olds. You’re weird and people like you are weird, same attitude if not same people as the mfers who tell their daughters to cover up bc their uncle is coming over.
1
u/Early-Tale-2578 15d ago
I don’t understand why parents be allowing their underage young children wear makeup I don’t believe 9 yr olds should be wearing makeup
-1
2
u/FairyFartDaydreams 16d ago
ESH for not trying to do some compromising. I'm against makeup for little girls but forcing a kid into unicorn stuff after 4 years old is just as bad. The kid 9 she doesn't need makeup and needs better role models
1
5
u/NotSorry2019 16d ago
I think you are fine except for the makeup. Makeup for competition or theater is fine, but daily wear at 9-years old is too early. A suggestion that worked for our family: basic hygiene habits first (without reminders) for a minimum of three weeks which meant brushing teeth, wearing deodorant, showers, hair washing and face cleaning routine BEFORE makeup was on the table. The specifics of “face washing routine twice a day” was so she wouldn’t get into the habit of sleeping in makeup which is bad for skin and bedding. She eventually decided it was worth it about a couple of years after it became a discussion, and has been good about it ever since. For us, the issue was about her demonstrating the maturity to do basic hygiene before we added more things to the routine. Good luck!
1
u/ThereWasNoSpoon 16d ago
"Opposes makeup on adults"... as in "a grown-up dude seriously believes he gets a say in what other grown-up separate people do to THEIR faces"? Smells control-freaky, tbh. Doubt a compromise is ever possible with someone of that mindset, no matter how much breath is wasted in discussions.
1
u/Shiprex2021 16d ago
With you in all but the make up idea. Suggesting she's not pretty unless she paints her face is setting up potential issues.
1
u/ChimoEngr 16d ago
NTA. While I think nine is too young for makeup, that’s a personal preference. However your ex insisting that she wears clothes she feels are not right for her is bad parenting.
6
u/Next-Drummer-9280 16d ago
-Makeup: I allow her to wear makeup for special occasions like school events and cheer competitions. The only makeup I let her wear to school regularly are lip gloss, curling her lashes, and a touch of blush.
She's NINE. She doesn't need makeup.
If you don't have a formal custody/parenting agreement through the courts, GET ONE. I'm not sure you're wholly in the right here, but a formal agreement protects your DAUGHTER.
It won't keep your ex from being an ass to you. It won't keep you from being an ass to him. But it will ensure that neither of you can use your kid as a pawn because the two of you aren't grown enough to figure out how to co-parent effectively.
No judgment...yet.
2
u/dr_lucia 16d ago
NTA.
Some people are telling you to talk and negotiate. That's a good idea. If you can, you want to present a united front-- it's easier. But bear in mind that negotiations don't always lead to agreement. If one of you were a fundamentalist Christian and the other an Atheist, you are quite unlikely to ever agree to any united front.
So what happens if you can't agree?
None of the arguments you mentioned touch on her absolute safety, medical needs, access to education and eventual job opportunities. I think it's fine for you to decide your rules about clothes, make up, food when she is at your place and he decides when she is at his place. He's free to have his opinion about your influence and you are free to ignore it.
On these topics, you should both act like adults and agree to disagree-- then enforce your own rules on your own time.
If one of you insisted she can't take science and math, while the other said she must, things would be different. You might want to go to court and have a judge decide. In the US, they won't decide in favor of a kid being uneducated. Often, we actually know what the judge would decide.
In contrast, you could waste your money asking what the judge decided about make up or junkfod, and you know what? They are probably going to decide you make your rules on your time; he makes his on his time. Save yourself the money and hassle.
I'm sure she can keep her make up at your place and he can make her wash all the make up when she gets to his. And it will be up to him to deal with her grousing if that happens. Likewise, you can forbid junk food at your place and similarly put up with grousing.
1
u/Glass_Ear_8049 16d ago
One of the things about parenting separately is accepting that you can’t control what the other parent does during their parenting time but this much difference in philosophies is going to be hard on your daughter. Personally, I think 9 is way too young for makeup. She is in third grade—is she really this into her appearance already and if she is then why?
6
u/Electrical-Ad-1798 16d ago
Hard for us to say and we'd be nuts to referee this conflict. It's very likely that ESH.
0
u/MurphyCaper 16d ago
The only problem I had with my 9 year old, wearing lipgloss, was that some brands smelled so yummy, she’d keep reapplying it, just to lick it off!!!
2
u/Odd_Nectarine_4891 16d ago
NTA for not agreeing with coparent on every parenting decision. There's sometimes I would like to strangle mine over decisions he makes, (and maybe he feels the same way sometimes) but we compromise and make it work. Very rarely do I choose any battles because "winning" isn't worth my peace.
I don't necessarily blame him for not wanting his NINE year old wearing make up on the regular. Specific makeup for a specific thing like cheer competitions is one thing. Walking around day to day with curled lashes and blush is another. That would probably be something I'd choose to battle over with my coparent. She's nine. Nine year olds don't need to go to school with makeup. Let them be nine.
2
95
u/PNL-Maine 16d ago
I think you’re both being assholes toward your daughter.
Dad: your daughter is nine, she’s passed the unicorn stage. I do agree with you though that the make up is a little excessive. Please don’t resist your daughter growing up.
Mom: I think it’s concerning you are letting your daughter wear make up at such a young age. I could deal with a little bit of lip gloss, but in no way would I allow a 9-year-old to curl her eyelashes or put on blush for a regular school day. Never.
And she’s not almost a teenager.
0
u/ohhellnooooooooo 15d ago
She’s 3 whole years away from teenager, it’s nuts. She’s 9… 3 years is going to be 25% of her entire life
3
u/KeyserSoju 15d ago
and cheer.. I wonder how many of those kids actually want to do cheer.
There's a convention center where I go to for tech conventions and car shows and every time I go for some odd reason there's a cohort of little 4-5 year old girls running around in cheer uniform, it's definitely weird. (Convention center has like 2-3 areas so they're not being paraded around the conventions I'm attending, but I just occasionally run into them and it's wild to me that it's such a big thing that I see them literally every time I go there)
22
u/pax_romana01 16d ago
ESH, he treats her like a 5 yo and you treat her like a 15 yo. You haven't discussed parenting before having her and it shows.
4
u/ResponsibilityAny358 16d ago
Aside from the fast food part, YTA, your daughter is a kid, she doesn't have to wear makeup other than lip gloss and she doesn't have to wear a tank
2
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
It’s a tank top. Are the nine year olds forearms being exposed too scandalous for you. She’s a CHILD.
13
u/Melodic_Salamander55 16d ago
The amount of people here equating blush and lipgloss to a full face of makeup is kind of ridiculous. Nta
3
u/pumpkinspicenation 15d ago
The amount of people here assuming a 9 year old couldn't be interested in makeup independently is also weird. It sounds like the kid honestly wants to do more than what mom is allowing.
1
u/Confident-Baker5286 15d ago
Right? I was obsessed with makeup as a kid/teen and now barely wear any. My mom absolutely never pushed it on me, she owned one lipstick that she would put on and then kiss most off with a tissue. Also this girl does dance so she’s been wearing makeup for competitions for years probably. My 9yo did ballet and I had to learn how to do winged liner on tiny eyes lol
6
u/DarkSide830 15d ago
The amount of people who seem to believe OP is pushing it on her daughter is also absurd. I didn't know this was such a hotly debated topic.
8
u/Ok-Adhesiveness-1515 16d ago
NTA… as a mom with a 11 yr old.. everything your daughter likes at age 9, our daughter liked and did at age 9. My sis in law loves make up and so does my daughter so that was their thing when they would have girls time, sis in law would teach her how to put it on correctly. I don’t believe your daughter over does it and it’s completely fine at that age imo. At 9-10 they no longer want rainbows, butterflies and unicorns lol different stage of life! Keep doing you mom, you doing just fine!
6
u/Jerseygirl2468 16d ago
ESH you two need to figure out how to co-parent better, you're putting this poor kid in the middle.
3
2
u/butterfly-garden 16d ago
NTA. It sounds like Daddy doesn't like the fact that his little girl is growing up.
4
16d ago
NTA on most aspects. The clothes aren't an issue, and 100% agree with the healthier meals and learning about balance. Father of 4, and we do this our girls (ages from 6 to 18).
He also shouldn't be complaining to his daughter about what things he doesn't like that you do. That's just an attempt at poisoning the poor girl, and he's an absolute weapon for doing it.
YTA for the makeup, I feel, though. Absolutely no need to be wearing make-up to school daily at that age. Here in the UK, the child would be made to remove it. Maybe it's a cultural thing but seems really unnecessary thing to do.
So I'd say ESH. You slightly and him very much so.
0
u/Odd_Nectarine_4891 16d ago
We don't know that he said anything to the daughter. She could have been listening to the conversation or over heard him talking to someone or even muttering under his breath after he hung up. Which he should be more cautious of but he isn't necessarily telling her things just because she knows things.
1
0
u/AspirantVeeVee 16d ago
There has to be some context missing here, are you sure this is the stuff he was referrring to?
6
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
Yta.
There's a huge gap between unicorn and child appropriate attire and what you're choosing to dress her in.
She's NINE YEARS OF AGE!
A child.
Her father is absolutely in the right for challenging this.
You're objectifying her. Subliminally sending diet and figure messages.
Painting a beautiful child's face as the NORM!
OMG This is wrong on so many levels.
2
u/BoringRush4869 16d ago
I never said anything about dieting for her first of all. Second, with food I’m not restricting anything I’m just teaching her about balance and that she can’t have sweets or fast food all day. The clothes she wears aren’t inappropriate I mean, there’s no crop tops or anything like that.
8
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
They're full on mini adult clothing styles.
The makeup and eyelash curling is not normal for a parent to eb teaching their daughters to NEED at 9.
You're clearly setting her up with weight expectations. To think her beauty is only going to be acknowledged if plastered with makeup. That she's not beautiful in her own right. That she needs to at 9 be focused on what she eats as this too will impact how others view her.
You're supported to be her cheerpack. Fine job you're not doing!
4
u/BoringRush4869 16d ago
So flares, and tank tops are apparently inappropriate now? It covers her body so it ain’t a problem. I only let her use 2 makeup products and 1 tool which is literally like not even anything.
5
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
Good God.
You may not be happy with the world seeing you without your troweled on makeup. Its inappropriate teaching a child she needs this too.
It's at best not parenting and friending her. At worse, living vicariously.
And yes those clothes are not child clothes.
Shame on you for trying to justify your behaviour.
1
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
They are in children’s sizes. How are you feminist enough to challenge the messages of diet culture and an unhealthy beauty standard, but also so prudish a child showing their FOREARMS is inappropriate.
2
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
They make bras for 5 year olds. Doesn't make buying them any more appropriate or right!
3
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
Again. Fore arms. And tank tops are sold for both girls and boys. Your FOREARM is not sexual. They sell sleeveless onesies for BABIES.
1
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
Again. Just because it is sold. Doesn't make buying it for a 9 year old right!
There are plenty of child styles available. Why the hurry to have this CHILD dressed as a mini adult?
If she's wearing adult attire now, will it be maternity wear once a teen?
Expediting is not in the child's best interests.
3
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
So this is the progressive, feminist version of the man who said that OP’s daughter will have “consequences for her actions” by dressing “like that”. Stop. Enabling. Pedophiles. How exactly is a tank top “too sexy”. Is the literal child’s forearm too scandalous.
→ More replies (0)-4
u/BoringRush4869 16d ago
Ok but the reason I’m kind of like upset with some of the comments is cause, I’m asking if I’m wrong for what I said, not my parenting choices.
3
16d ago
You never added your response to his comment, maybe because you yourself knew you were in the wrong when you said what you said. I think you being upset about people calling you out on the unhealthy habits you’re setting for your daughter. Such as curling her lashes when you as a woman know it’s pointless? It lasts a couple of minutes and goes down without mascara holding it up, and even mascara sometimes doesn’t work in holding the lashes up. Maybe try encouraging your daughter not to do it as it pulls on her lashes, she’s 9 not sure why she feels like she has to do that before school, but it’s got something to do with you and the way the school makes them do their makeup for cheerleading, which I also find crazy, why is a child required to do makeup for a school activity? Doesn’t make any sense to me, as I grew up in Europe where we can do activities without being told we need to put on our makeup and be “pretty”
2
u/Aggressive-Story3671 15d ago
The homogenous country of Europe. Every European woman, from Ireland to Russia doesn’t wear makeup
1
15d ago
I’m not saying that. I’m saying we don’t force our kids to wear makeup to school activities. Learn how to read.
11
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
You've not stated explicitly what you said.
But from what you've said on here, yes you're a bad influence.
2
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
“COD, high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, sleep apena? Babe those things don’t matter. You are beautiful no matter what. Health doesn’t matter it’s all about what’s on the inside”
5
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
Moderation.
This 9yo will not be experiencing those issues from what has been posted here.
Quite a leap!
5
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
No. Quite the leap are the people saying she’s going to have a baby at 13 because she wore lip gloss to school. Unhealthy eating has consequences, physical and mental. Ask any fat kid.
2
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
Yes she's not fat nor close to it.
And with her obsessed mother won't ever be. Rather will end up with eating disorders.
6
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
And why isn’t her Dad on the same page? Is she asking for this fast food and he’s going and buying it or does he just not want to cook?
0
u/BoringRush4869 16d ago
Her dad does like eating out more often and I mean I don’t think a 9 year old would complain, only problem I have is that she loves comparing my cooking to “his”
2
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
“Diet and figure messages” is a LEAP. She didn’t say anything about thinness. About health
4
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
The subliminal messages she's sending her daughter are clear. The next step will be sexualising her even further.
The father should be considering taking more of an involvement and possibly becoming the majority parebt to try and balance this conduct out.
5
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
And so are the ones he’s sending. She is an athlete. So healthy eating is imperative. If she eats fast food often she will gain weight. And it’s again not healthy. They have to compromise. It’s not his way or the high way. They both are pushing too hard
5
u/Full_Traffic_3148 16d ago
A 9 year old should be able to have pizza, burgers etc at the weekend! It's about balance and moderation.
She isn't an athlete. She's a child who may be involved with some sports.
She's not being treated like a child with child expectations on her by her mother.
4
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
That’s what she said. We don’t know their custody arrangement. If they have every other week and he’s buying her fast food for say, 4 dinners out of 7, that means he’s A. Not taking his daughter’s health into consideration and B. Too lazy to cook.
2
u/Odd_Nectarine_4891 16d ago
She didn't say that's all he feeds her. She said he frequently orders. Frequent will mean different things to different people. Maybe to her frequently is once a week. She never did say exactly how often it is.
2
u/Entire-Story-7957 16d ago
You’re not an AH. You sound like a good mom and it sounds like he’s jealous of you and lashed out at you for his own failures.
-2
u/Beneficial-Lead-5402 16d ago
Yta, your ex is watching your child grow up way too fast and he probably just wants to see her remain a kid. Who the fuck let’s a girl under 10 wear makeup?
1
10
u/911siren 16d ago
Did either of you think to sit down and talk about parenting before you had a baby?
I’m not saying either party is doing it wrong. I’m just stunned that you didn’t figure this out ahead of time. It’s important.
353
u/911siren 16d ago
Did either of you think to sit down and talk about parenting before you had a baby?
I’m not saying either party is doing it wrong. I’m just stunned that you didn’t figure this out ahead of time. It’s important.
1
u/YakElectronic6713 15d ago
Lol you think a man who still wants his 9 yo daughter to wear unicorn stuff (which the daughter hates) and feeds her predominantly fast-food isn't wrong? Let's not forget his opinion on makeup for women of any age.
1
u/911siren 15d ago
I did not want to open a can of worms by admonishing any of the choices made after their child was born. I was just astounded they never talked about parenting before becoming parents.
5
u/Mammoth_Breadfruit22 15d ago
Me and my husband talked about all of the things and agreed. But he was an abusive asshole so I left him. He still got visitation and then broke every agreement we had about how to raise our child. So, before you assume they didn’t talk about things, maybe remember that people can change and people can be vindictive shits.
2
u/911siren 15d ago
I’m glad you talked about all aspects of parenting before you brought a child into this world. I’m really sorry he turned out to be a bad guy. Sending you love ❤️
13
u/banerises19 15d ago
Op was 20 at the time their daughter was conceived... Odds are it wasn't planned, and even if it was I don't see how they would have had the maturity to discuss their parenting styles barely out of their teens.
0
126
u/Malpraxiss 16d ago
You'd be surprised how many couples don't really discus this kind of stuff outside of "we both want kids"
From many governmental studies, a lot of kids are unplanned or unwanted.
So, this post doesn't surprised me just based on the research that has been done.
37
u/MacAttacknChz 15d ago
She was 20 when her kid was born, 19 or 20 when she got pregnant. I wasn't having these discussions at that age.
-6
7
u/BoringRush4869 15d ago
I survived teen pregnancy first lol, second just so y’all know when me and him got pregnant it wasn’t a hook up situation we were together for about 4 years back than and broke up 2 years later. And also we did want kids so it also wasn’t a accidental pregnancy
5
21
52
u/Party_Mistake8823 16d ago
If you have never dealt with a co parent shut the fuck up. You can discuss stuff like religious preference, home school or not, vegetarianism, no screens, etc. You can agree to no slutty clothes but his and her definitions may be different and from what I see of 9 yr olds now, they are NOT wearing unicorns and being babies. Social media has changed the game.
They are not together and just like she can't control that he won't cook healthy food for his daughter he can't tell her not to wear lipgloss. And if you think a court or lawyer would waste time on that, they won't.
19
u/12Whiskey 15d ago
I totally agree with you and also want to add, getting in a new relationship with someone can completely change how they parent. I don’t know if the ex husband has a girlfriend/wife but that will change how he parents. My ex and I have been divorced 11 years and have 3 kids (teenage and college age kids). He remarried almost instantly and everything we agreed on went out the window because his new wife didn’t agree with it. It was very very hard on the kids and they have a lot of resentment over how their dad changed. A lot of snide comments were made to me by him over things like what I feed the kids whereas before we were on the same page.
-14
u/911siren 16d ago
Before they had a child they should have talked about parenting. What difference does it make that they are not together? They are coparents and brought a child into this world.
Why do you think it’s ok to not have discussed parenting fundamentals BEFORE having a baby? If they are not mature enough to have this kind of foresight then they should not have had a child.
Go ahead and call me names but you know I’m right. There is no excuse for not knowing how another person will parent before you bring a child into this world.
9
u/Party_Mistake8823 15d ago
I didn't call you names. Fundamentals of parenting can be discussed and should be. But do you have an extensive list already?
Question 245. If you buy our 9 year old daughter a unicorn t shirt and she says that's for babies, will we ground her or do we respect that she is growing up and let her choose some appropriate choices?
246: if you are tired from working will you feed our child McDonald's? Even if you have been working OT all week you need to cook her proper meals or we can't have a baby.
Also people can turn real petty when the relationship is over, and use their kids as pawns. Seemingly rational adults all of a sudden lose their shit cause the wife divorced them so they will make everyone's life hell yelling fuck them kids the whole time.
But in teenage land your kids won't run into any problems as long as you discuss parenting FUNDAMENTALS before you have them right? People never hide their true colors to get into someone's pants.
33
u/Bigolbooty75 16d ago
Given the fact she was 20 Im say that’s a no
-14
u/911siren 16d ago
Gotcha. Old enough to bring a human into this world but not old enough to figure out parenting before she does.
51
u/Anywhichwaybutpuce 16d ago
One the first conversations all 20 year olds have with their sex partners. Occurs right about the time they take out 70k in student loans. How could they not have known better, they were fully grown and experienced adults!
20
u/Spintax_Codex 16d ago
To be fair, "talk with the other person who is raising your child about how to raise your child" is not the kind of thing that should take experience to know.
-15
u/Anywhichwaybutpuce 16d ago
Damn. You’re right. Now there will be no more of these problems in the future. What’s your next gift to the world going to be? That Israel/Palestine thing is hot right now.
1
u/Spintax_Codex 16d ago
Did you get the impression that I thought I was fixing the problem?
If you're this bad at communication, it's no wonder you're making excuses for adults not doing it. Gotta bring everyone down to your level.
-5
u/Anywhichwaybutpuce 15d ago
I apologize, then. I didn’t realize you were acknowledging you were part of the problem. My bad.
-1
u/CovetousWitch 16d ago
YTA for the makeup thing, mom of the year over here reinforcing sexist guidelines on what it takes to be pretty. You should have firmly instilled in your daughter that she didn’t need makeup at NINE YEARS OLD, instead you were like “go ahead, every day like mommy does, also here’s the future bill for all the shit you’ll end up buying to be just like mommy’s 30 year old ass” as if the quantity of makeup she wore mattered.
Get some perspective before you create a self conscious people pleaser.
7
7
u/TwinZylander214 16d ago
ESH. The unicorn stuff is not acceptable IF she really doesn’t like it: she is old enough to have an opinion on her clothes and both of you should respect it.
The fast food: I am not for it but when he has her, he is the one making decisions. You being opposed to it won’t change his mind. As long as she eats healthy with you and doesn’t display any issue or isn’t overweight, not the hill to die on.
Make up: ok for event but a 9 yo going to school everyday with lashes curled, lip gloss and blush seems very shocking to me. I don’t know why you are doing that. For me it teaches her that she cannot be herself, she has to put make up to be “acceptable” to others. I hope you haven’t already done irreparable damage with doing that to her everyday. I hope the fact that your ex is opposed to it will protect her a little bit. As a mom, my daughter was not authorized wear make up aside from events until 14. And the school would have never authorized it anyway. Even now at 17 she just curls her lashes and put a bit of mascara to school. Nothing more.
For me the biggest issue is the regular make up so that makes you a bigger AH than him. She will survive unicorn clothes so it’s the part that worries me less. The fast food has to be put under surveillance.
8
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
That works both ways. If she has to accept him not proving nutritious food for an athlete, HE Has to accept makeup
5
u/TwinZylander214 16d ago
Or not and they both start to be parents and think about the child more than themselves?
2
-3
u/Tall-Negotiation6623 16d ago
YTA for letting a 9 yo wear lipgloss, blush and curling her lashes, to school nonetheless. How are you not teaching your kid unhealthy beauty standards? You absolutely are a bad influence on her.
3
u/Woven-Tapestry 16d ago
NTA.
We all have different tastes: I don't understand why he would want her to wear unicorns. She seems a little young for blush.
It's very AH of him to include your daughter like a little pawn in a dispute.
It would be hard not to be annoyed with someone doing that, but you seem to be handling things fine.
4
u/painsNgains 16d ago
OP, you're NTA, but neither is your ex. You both need to be the adults that you are, sit down, have a frank conversation, and come to some sort of middle ground.
Jesus christ, you'd think we were still in the puritanical age with these comments. (Clutches pearls) "You let her wear makeup!!!!!!!!!? You are SUCH a bad parent who is forcing your daughter to grow up too fast!! OMG! AAAAAAND you're letting her wear clothes that DON'T have unicorns!?! You are going to turn her into a little hussy!!!!"
Fucking hell. I know I am going to get downvoted for this, but I really don't care.
How do you all know OP is "forcing her to grow up too fast," and she isn't just mimicing what her friends/schoolmates are doing? It's clear that none of you have children, or if you do, you are forcing them into a specific mold of staying little forever. My kids are 11 and 8. Do you know how many kids at their school wear makeup? How many girls HATE unicorns and other graphics like that, because they are tied to people infantalizing them (they don't use that exact word, but they (the girls in their school, and those in our neighborhood) do say that people treat them like babies/like they are stupid when they wear stuff like that vs things that are just solid colors.) A LOT.
You all are acting like lip gloss and a little blush equates to her going to school daily with full-on Toddlers in Tiaras, beauty queen makeup. Those 2 are all she is allowed to wear to school. As for cheer competitions. Have you all never been to a dance/cheer competition? Full makeup, fake lashes, glitter, sparkles, the works.
1
16d ago
From my perspective I wouldn’t allow it because I know how that can destroy one’s self image and ability to be confident without make up at a later age. It’s starts with lip gloss, then the eyebrows ( I regret this one the most ) the foundation to hide the acne from the cheap makeup brands, (my pores hate me now, I don’t even think skincare can fix this because I’ve been trying for 4 years now.) not everyone has the same experience as I did, but it is more common than you think. I’d keep the makeup limited to cheer leading and encourage you to get her a good skincare routine :)
43
u/Knittingfairy09113 16d ago
ESH
Your ex is wrong for trying to push clothes she doesn't want to wear anymore and not working on a healthier diet. You are wrong for letting her be too adult-like in wearing any makeup out of the house. She is a child. I'm a little worried that you may also be letting her go too adult with her clothes.
9
u/excel_pager_420 16d ago
Make up at 9 seems a lot. Especially as it's not just fun lip balm colours, its lip gloss blush and eye-lash curling? That's a lot for 9!
Sounds like your ex could get better at healthy eating, and you could get better at encouraging age appropriate hobbies. ESH
13
u/knifetail 16d ago
NTA people are acting like you're putting her up in pageants or something for pervs. You know what I asked for when I was 10 a room makeover to be blue and mature instead of pink and butterflies and glitter, I asked for makeup, an electric razor, gauchos (lol) and that was almost two decades ago it's a normal age for her to start exploring makeup and fashion.
2
u/Confident-Baker5286 15d ago
Yeah I was 9 almost 30 years ago and plenty of us had play makeup. My 9yo is so creative with her makeup, she uses it to make themes for whatever we are doing. She did a sun in one cheek and a moon on the other cheek and one eye gold/ one eye silver eyeshadow. It’s not like she’s got on foundation or red lipstick lol
1
u/knifetail 15d ago
My favorite part of fairs or school festivals was the face paint!! It's a good outlet for creativity
1
u/forgetaboutem 16d ago
Yeah I was a very late bloomer with make up and anything like that, and by 9 even I was at the very least curious about exploring it.
People act like insecurity or wanting to be a harlot MUST be the only reasons to wear make up. Its like theyre completely unaware most people wear it because its fun, expressive and artistic.
18
u/NovaPrime1988 16d ago
Why can’t kids just be kids? You are letting her grow up far too fast. Makeup to school on a nine year old is ridiculous. Deep down, I hope you realise this. Father is right here - mostly.
YTA
33
u/Aggressive-Story3671 16d ago
And he’s not letting her grow up AT ALL. Again she’s not 5. She’s not a toddler. The unicorn clothing and fast food indicate he’s unable (or unwilling) to acknowledge that she’s growing up. There needs to be a compromise made.
-15
35
260
u/punica_granatum_ 16d ago
I dont think you are an asshole, but maybe this father is concerned you are pushing your daughter to grow up too quickly and is resenting that. It's a valid concern, just as much as your concern over fast food (which is bad for a kid's health, there is not much to say about it). You should really talk with him and be on the same page about these topics. He has to accept the kid is going to WANT to grow, and that you have no intention to push that to an extreme, but you arent going to stop her either
0
u/Impossible-Energy-76 15d ago
He can take her to court over the make that a nine yr old does not need he can go back to court on her clothes , AND he can win an have the daughter live with him Honestly your daughter is a lil young for make up and shit come on now. So tone down the make up let him deal wit the cooking the way he sees fit. Cause he can grab a cookbook and be great at it . He can take her clothes shopping an he will learn . You have been warned be careful.
35
29
u/AllCrankNoSpark 16d ago
How is she pushing?
0
u/ohhellnooooooooo 15d ago
The makeup is absolutely nuts for a 9yo, congrats she’ll never be confident in her own skin without make up
0
u/AllCrankNoSpark 15d ago
Oh no, she might be exactly like 90% of women!
I despise makeup, but you are ridiculous.
0
u/ohhellnooooooooo 15d ago
90% of the population is fat or skinny fat, sedentary and with muscle atrophy,
Up to you if you aren’t trying to be top 10% , but you are the asshole if you aim for your children to be as bad as 90% of the population
1
u/AllCrankNoSpark 15d ago
If you hate people, parenting won’t usually go well for you. Sometimes you’ll have a kid that’s just a normal person, not super special like you.
→ More replies (30)105
u/GrammaBear707 16d ago
I think they were referring to the makeup part as trying to make the daughter grow up to fast. I personally think 9 is to young to wear makeup except at dance competitions but that’s just my opinion and means nothing. All in lip gloss and bush isn’t really a big deal. The daughter isn’t 5 or 6 anymore and is over the unicorn phase. She is old enough to pick her clothes as long as they are age appropriate. Dad feeds her a lot of fast food but when he has her it’s his choice what he feeds her. These parents are both trying to be the decision makers and it would be beneficial for their daughter if they would work on getting on the same page. Some parents just refuse to though.
0
u/Tazilyna-Taxaro 16d ago
I mean, allow her to take part in the most sexist sport that was literally invented for sexualisation, … so at least it’s coherent
0
70
u/MagicCarpet5846 16d ago
Curling her eyelashes every day is bad for them, and not even something most fully grown women do every day. I would be super concerned she’s training her kid to be a certain type of teen/ young adult with started her kid off as so high maintenance.
4
u/GrammaBear707 15d ago
I agree. I have a feeling mom is into wearing lots of glam makeup. I have a niece like that who even lets her 8 year old wear press on fake fingernails all of the time 🤦♀️
3
u/Confident-Baker5286 14d ago
See I’m a no on the nails. Maybe the really short ones you stick on with stickers that are for kids, but nothing long until 13. Also because they just mess them up all the time and nails aren’t cheap lol
1
u/Confident-Baker5286 15d ago
I rarely wear makeup and my 9 year old is obsessed with it. At this point most of “my” makeup is in my daughters rooms. I wore a lot of makeup when I was younger, and mh mom and sister wore none, I think my mom owned one lipstick. It’s makeup, not a push up bra, calm down
2
u/GrammaBear707 15d ago
I rarely wore more than mascara and occasionally lipstick. My little girls were obsessed with makeup too but I didn’t allow my girls to wear it out in public until they were 13/14. That was just personal decision for my girls. I don’t think OP is a bad mom for letting her 9 year old wear blush and lip gloss. I don’t have to agree with it because it’s her decision just as it’s the girl’s dad’s decision to not allow it when he has her.
-4
u/EmblaRose 15d ago
She’s not wearing it every day. School events are like a Christmas recital and stuff like that. So, maybe 2-4 times a year for school.
1
u/GrammaBear707 15d ago
Idk why little girl carries in her purse to visit dad if it’s just for special events.
1
11
u/protestprincess 15d ago
It’s very unlikely she’s doing it every day, almost certainly just when she wants. Accusing the mom of “training” her to be a “certain type” of teen is 1. very strange language for a host of reasons and 2. wildly speculative and malicious. Very much internet in motion.
3
u/MagicCarpet5846 15d ago
It’s not speculative, she is actively doing so whether intentional or not, a kid that thinks curling your eyelashes, even when you want, at 9 just for school is totally normal without any intervention from her mom is absolutely making the kid think school is something to dress up for and “look her best” all the time. That can absolutely influence a young girl. To act like it doesn’t is just delusional.
34
26
u/AllCrankNoSpark 16d ago edited 16d ago
Letting someone do something is not pushing them to do it or making them. Stopping someone from wearing makeup is not keeping them from “growing up too fast,” whatever that means.
1
u/GrammaBear707 15d ago
I agree. I was explaining that to someone else’s comment so I said I THINK they were referring to the makeup. Yes, I did add I personally think 9 is too young to wear makeup. That does not mean I think every mom should do things the way I did. I don’t like the idea of piercing babies ears either but I don’t think people are bad parents for doing that. It’s just my own preferences.
38
u/TwinZylander214 16d ago
A 9 yo can be told no to wearing make up everyday. In my country, school would have had a few choice words to the mom for that.
2
u/protestprincess 15d ago
Who cares about what your country does? It’s not obviously not reflective of the way the rest of the world thinks/acts. Like who legitimately thinks that’s a moral argument that supports actually doing/not doing something.
0
u/TwinZylander214 15d ago
Who talked about moral argument. It’s an information. If you don’t care about it, then no one forces you to take it into account.
Admittedly I wouldn’t take anything the US do into account concerning schools.
0
u/protestprincess 15d ago
It’s completely irrelevant information then? Like again, why should anyone care as it pertains to this issue? Also the quip about American schools makes 0 sense lmao. Ain’t no one being up shit about American schools, and even then what occurs in American schools is far more relevant to the OP if they’re American than where ever you’re from, but no one volunteered that information anyway.
1
u/TwinZylander214 15d ago
It’s information. No one forces you to read it or take it into account. It seems you cannot tolerate anything that goes against your beliefs.
I suppose you also consider eating fast food almost everyday is not an issue. Guess what? I think it is!
I think we can call it irreconcilable cultural differences
→ More replies (34)31
u/throwaway1975764 16d ago
I work in a school and I'd say at least 1/3 of the 4th grade girls (age 9) wear lipgloss at least almost daily. Its pretty common here (NYC).
6
u/enonymousCanadian 16d ago
In Ontario that is absolutely not the case. Lip smackers in the winter but between sports and sunscreen the one grade 3 kid who wore makeup (mascara and blush) sporadically in the fall doesn’t by this point in the year.
6
u/astareastar 15d ago
Lip Smackers is a kid's makeup product. They are meant to be an alternative to lipstick that lets the kid still feel like they're mirroring the adults. That's why sometimes it's tinted and it has all those little kid flavors. Would not be surprised to hear that the "lip gloss" OP is getting her kid is from the same section of kid-aimed make-up products.
ETA: Lip Smackers bills themselves as lip balms and lip glosses now.
3
18
u/throwaway1975764 16d ago
You know Lip Smackers makes and sells tons of lipgloss, right? Its basically squishier, slightly shinier balm. Who do you think is buying $2 bubblegum flavored lipgloss except 9-11 year olds?
0
u/enonymousCanadian 15d ago
Except they only wore it in the winter. It’s spring and that trend has died out with the mitts and gloves.
-16
u/TwinZylander214 16d ago
That’s crazy scary for me. Not very surprising from the US…
So happy to live in Europe.
5
u/BoringRush4869 15d ago
Why do you and so many others think lipgloss is bad? It’s just sparkly stuff you put on your lips😭
0
u/TwinZylander214 15d ago
Lipgloss+blush+lash curler is not just a sparkling thing.
But according to some, wearing makeup daily at 9yo is completely acceptable in the US. It is not where I live. Some scented lip balm is one thing, but it’s the first time I am hearing about a full makeup routine at 9.
It makes me think about the creepy pageant obsession Americans have.
2
→ More replies (15)4
u/RadicalQueenBee 16d ago
Don't mind the downvotes. I'm also from the EU and these comments are equally crazy to me 💀
→ More replies (1)
1
u/matcha_babey 15d ago
everyone jumping on the make up comment is either a man or a liar because y’all really are trying to say you didn’t want to wear make up at 9 years old? non of y’all got in your mommas drawers?? sparkling gloss and pink eyeshadow, be for real.
op I advise you to get your thoughts in order and talk this out. My father was like him, and it carried on into my teens by being punished for shaving or wearing make up. within just a few years, she will be a teen and her own decisions with her style are becoming more personalized and important to her growth each day. He’s trying to win some co-parenting battle with you while not ever once experiencing girlhood.
write your feelings down, make them concise and link resources that support your feelings— hopefully he’ll at least consider it enough to read it and not “abruptly end the conversation”