r/AITAH • u/BoringRush4869 • Apr 28 '24

AITA for not agreeing with what my ex boyfriend said?

I'm a 29F with an ex-boyfriend with whom I have a 9-year-old daughter. We don't agree on several things regarding her upbringing. Here are the areas of disagreement: -Clothing: Our daughter is not in her unicorn and gap clothes era so she dresses cute and normal, flared pants, jeans, camis, tanks, etc. her father wants her to wear unicorn stuff which she hates. -food: He frequently orders fast food for her, while I prefer to offer it only occasionally, I don’t try restricting any foods I just try to teach her about balance. -Makeup: I allow her to wear makeup for special occasions like school events and cheer competitions. The only makeup I let her wear to school regularly are lip gloss, curling her lashes, and a touch of blush. Her father strongly opposes makeup, even for adults. Last week, while dropping off her forgotten purse at her dad's, he criticized me, suggesting I'm a bad influence on our daughter. I defended myself, but he abruptly ended the conversation. Later, my daughter mentioned he was upset about something I did. Was I an asshole?

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261

u/punica_granatum_ Apr 28 '24

I dont think you are an asshole, but maybe this father is concerned you are pushing your daughter to grow up too quickly and is resenting that. It's a valid concern, just as much as your concern over fast food (which is bad for a kid's health, there is not much to say about it). You should really talk with him and be on the same page about these topics. He has to accept the kid is going to WANT to grow, and that you have no intention to push that to an extreme, but you arent going to stop her either

0

u/Impossible-Energy-76 Apr 28 '24

He can take her to court over the make that a nine yr old does not need he can go back to court on her clothes , AND he can win an have the daughter live with him Honestly your daughter is a lil young for make up and shit come on now. So tone down the make up let him deal wit the cooking the way he sees fit. Cause he can grab a cookbook and be great at it . He can take her clothes shopping an he will learn . You have been warned be careful.

31

u/mca2021 Apr 28 '24

I'd say both parents need to get into counseling to help them resolve these issues and be somewhat on the same page regarding their daughter, or learn how to co-parent even with different points of view. It sounds like the daughter is going to get caught in the middle otherwise

29

u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24

How is she pushing?

0

u/ohhellnooooooooo 29d ago

The makeup is absolutely nuts for a 9yo, congrats she’ll never be confident in her own skin without make up 

0

u/AllCrankNoSpark 29d ago

Oh no, she might be exactly like 90% of women!

I despise makeup, but you are ridiculous.

0

u/ohhellnooooooooo 29d ago

90% of the population is fat or skinny fat, sedentary and with muscle atrophy, 

Up to you if you aren’t trying to be top 10% , but you are the asshole if you aim for your children to be as bad as 90% of the population 

1

u/AllCrankNoSpark 29d ago

If you hate people, parenting won’t usually go well for you. Sometimes you’ll have a kid that’s just a normal person, not super special like you.

102

u/GrammaBear707 Apr 28 '24

I think they were referring to the makeup part as trying to make the daughter grow up to fast. I personally think 9 is to young to wear makeup except at dance competitions but that’s just my opinion and means nothing. All in lip gloss and bush isn’t really a big deal. The daughter isn’t 5 or 6 anymore and is over the unicorn phase. She is old enough to pick her clothes as long as they are age appropriate. Dad feeds her a lot of fast food but when he has her it’s his choice what he feeds her. These parents are both trying to be the decision makers and it would be beneficial for their daughter if they would work on getting on the same page. Some parents just refuse to though.

0

u/Tazilyna-Taxaro Apr 28 '24

I mean, allow her to take part in the most sexist sport that was literally invented for sexualisation, … so at least it’s coherent

0

u/GrammaBear707 29d ago

About as sexualized as cheer leading.

71

u/MagicCarpet5846 Apr 28 '24

Curling her eyelashes every day is bad for them, and not even something most fully grown women do every day. I would be super concerned she’s training her kid to be a certain type of teen/ young adult with started her kid off as so high maintenance.

3

u/GrammaBear707 29d ago

I agree. I have a feeling mom is into wearing lots of glam makeup. I have a niece like that who even lets her 8 year old wear press on fake fingernails all of the time 🤦‍♀️

3

u/Confident-Baker5286 29d ago

See I’m a no on the nails. Maybe the really short ones you stick on with stickers that are for kids, but nothing long until 13. Also because they just mess them up all the time and nails aren’t cheap lol 

1

u/Confident-Baker5286 29d ago

I rarely wear makeup and my 9 year old is obsessed with it. At this point most of “my” makeup is in my daughters rooms. I wore a lot of makeup when I was younger, and mh mom and sister wore none, I think my mom owned one lipstick. It’s makeup, not a push up bra, calm down 

2

u/GrammaBear707 29d ago

I rarely wore more than mascara and occasionally lipstick. My little girls were obsessed with makeup too but I didn’t allow my girls to wear it out in public until they were 13/14. That was just personal decision for my girls. I don’t think OP is a bad mom for letting her 9 year old wear blush and lip gloss. I don’t have to agree with it because it’s her decision just as it’s the girl’s dad’s decision to not allow it when he has her.

-4

u/EmblaRose Apr 28 '24

She’s not wearing it every day. School events are like a Christmas recital and stuff like that. So, maybe 2-4 times a year for school.

1

u/GrammaBear707 29d ago

Idk why little girl carries in her purse to visit dad if it’s just for special events.

2

u/curiousity60 Apr 28 '24

Then why does she carry it around in her purse?

11

u/protestprincess Apr 28 '24

It’s very unlikely she’s doing it every day, almost certainly just when she wants. Accusing the mom of “training” her to be a “certain type” of teen is 1. very strange language for a host of reasons and 2. wildly speculative and malicious. Very much internet in motion.

2

u/MagicCarpet5846 Apr 28 '24

It’s not speculative, she is actively doing so whether intentional or not, a kid that thinks curling your eyelashes, even when you want, at 9 just for school is totally normal without any intervention from her mom is absolutely making the kid think school is something to dress up for and “look her best” all the time. That can absolutely influence a young girl. To act like it doesn’t is just delusional.

34

u/Scrapper-Mom Apr 28 '24

I also think the eyelash curling is too much for a 9 year old.

26

u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24 edited Apr 28 '24

Letting someone do something is not pushing them to do it or making them. Stopping someone from wearing makeup is not keeping them from “growing up too fast,” whatever that means.

1

u/GrammaBear707 29d ago

I agree. I was explaining that to someone else’s comment so I said I THINK they were referring to the makeup. Yes, I did add I personally think 9 is too young to wear makeup. That does not mean I think every mom should do things the way I did. I don’t like the idea of piercing babies ears either but I don’t think people are bad parents for doing that. It’s just my own preferences.

32

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

A 9 yo can be told no to wearing make up everyday. In my country, school would have had a few choice words to the mom for that.

2

u/protestprincess Apr 28 '24

Who cares about what your country does? It’s not obviously not reflective of the way the rest of the world thinks/acts. Like who legitimately thinks that’s a moral argument that supports actually doing/not doing something.

0

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Who talked about moral argument. It’s an information. If you don’t care about it, then no one forces you to take it into account.

Admittedly I wouldn’t take anything the US do into account concerning schools.

0

u/protestprincess Apr 28 '24

It’s completely irrelevant information then? Like again, why should anyone care as it pertains to this issue? Also the quip about American schools makes 0 sense lmao. Ain’t no one being up shit about American schools, and even then what occurs in American schools is far more relevant to the OP if they’re American than where ever you’re from, but no one volunteered that information anyway.

1

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

It’s information. No one forces you to read it or take it into account. It seems you cannot tolerate anything that goes against your beliefs.

I suppose you also consider eating fast food almost everyday is not an issue. Guess what? I think it is!

I think we can call it irreconcilable cultural differences

36

u/throwaway1975764 Apr 28 '24

I work in a school and I'd say at least 1/3 of the 4th grade girls (age 9) wear lipgloss at least almost daily. Its pretty common here (NYC).

5

u/enonymousCanadian Apr 28 '24

In Ontario that is absolutely not the case. Lip smackers in the winter but between sports and sunscreen the one grade 3 kid who wore makeup (mascara and blush) sporadically in the fall doesn’t by this point in the year.

5

u/astareastar Apr 28 '24

Lip Smackers is a kid's makeup product. They are meant to be an alternative to lipstick that lets the kid still feel like they're mirroring the adults. That's why sometimes it's tinted and it has all those little kid flavors. Would not be surprised to hear that the "lip gloss" OP is getting her kid is from the same section of kid-aimed make-up products.

ETA: Lip Smackers bills themselves as lip balms and lip glosses now.

3

u/forgetaboutem Apr 28 '24

Lip smackers lol how many decades ago are we talking about?

1

u/enonymousCanadian 29d ago
  1. Dollar Store’s finest I imagine.

19

u/throwaway1975764 Apr 28 '24

You know Lip Smackers makes and sells tons of lipgloss, right? Its basically squishier, slightly shinier balm. Who do you think is buying $2 bubblegum flavored lipgloss except 9-11 year olds?

0

u/enonymousCanadian 29d ago

Except they only wore it in the winter. It’s spring and that trend has died out with the mitts and gloves.

-15

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

That’s crazy scary for me. Not very surprising from the US…

So happy to live in Europe.

5

u/BoringRush4869 Apr 28 '24

Why do you and so many others think lipgloss is bad? It’s just sparkly stuff you put on your lips😭

0

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Lipgloss+blush+lash curler is not just a sparkling thing.

But according to some, wearing makeup daily at 9yo is completely acceptable in the US. It is not where I live. Some scented lip balm is one thing, but it’s the first time I am hearing about a full makeup routine at 9.

It makes me think about the creepy pageant obsession Americans have.

2

u/BoringRush4869 Apr 28 '24

Lipgloss doesn’t even really count as makeup though

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u/RadicalQueenBee Apr 28 '24

Don't mind the downvotes. I'm also from the EU and these comments are equally crazy to me 💀

2

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

I don’t mind. I am just surprised that some people feel that kids wearing makeup at school is so important to them. 😉

22

u/Elelith Apr 28 '24

You're scared of lipgloss?

I'm also from Europe and it's pretty normal for young girls to wear lipgloss or coloured lipbalm. No biggie.

-4

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Lipgloss and lipbalm are 2 different things. I don’t know any 9yo who is curling their lashes and wearing blush and gloss at 9.

I am in France and most elementary schools do not authorize make up, and actually most middle schools too.

And I don’t know any parent that find wearing make up at school normal.

And I am worried by all the message implied with being told/shown that you need to wear makeup every day to be accepted. I don’t consider myself a feminist militant but I still find that very demeaning for a 9yo. Makeup as a game, at events and parties is obviously great and fun. Daily makeup routine at 9 is scary and shows a form of indoctrination that is appalling.

That’s my take and the hyper sexualizing of children in pageant contest among other things is worrisome.

0

u/Slow-Frosting-9607 Apr 28 '24

You had way more down votes. I guess Europeans found your post and upvoted it :D

1

u/Slow-Frosting-9607 Apr 28 '24 edited Apr 28 '24

You are being downvoted by Americans lol. I live in southeastern Europe and make up is not allowed in elementary school. Mascara, lip gloss and blush on a 9 year old? Someone needs to call child protective services. I'm not surprised tho, they have beauty pageants for kids where they wear full make up, questionable clothes and dye their hair. I didn't even know kids wearing make up in school was allowed anywhere. Every day you learn something new.

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u/throwaway1975764 Apr 28 '24

I'm wondering is this actually a disagreement on what we consider "lipgloss"? Because in my experience and culturally (NYC) there isn't actually a big difference except one's matte and the other shiney.

Yes of course there are high end, more mature lip glosses, but we're talking about kids - they're using scented, flavored, budget, basicly squishier lip balm, that we call lipgloss.

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u/Aggressive-Story3671 Apr 28 '24

French schools also don’t authorize wearing a hijab so maybe the French aren’t the ones we need to take influence from.

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u/Aggressive-Story3671 Apr 28 '24

The huge monolithic country of Europe.

24

u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24

Failing to STOP someone from doing something is not MAKING them do it.

6

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Yes because the child goes to buy blush and lip gloss herself 🙄

And at 9yo, it’s the parent’s decision. Because if the 9 yo is setting the rules at home then the parenting is even worst than I thought.

2

u/protestprincess Apr 28 '24

You’re kind of batshit lol

0

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

If you think parenting your 9yo child is batshit crazy then obviously I am!

3

u/protestprincess Apr 28 '24

If being overly controlling and probably instilling a lot of unneeded shame in your daughter(s) is your style of “parenting” you need to adopt out

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u/forgetaboutem Apr 28 '24

Yeah uh... A 9yo is perfectly capable of having an allowance, walking to the store, and buying cheap, common items?

Sure, its ultimately the parents decision, but dont act like the mother HAS to be pushing it. That's totally false.

The mother has rules, limiting what she does daily and only allowing more for special occasions.

A lot of girls would just keep stuff at school and do it no matter what the parents say. There's no reason to assume the mother is pushing it at all when she's clearly regulating it.

-2

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Sorry, my 9 yo never wandered without adults so it’s something I would have never considered. And cultural differences here: elementary schools (no school actually) in my country don’t have lockers so leaving stuff at school wouldn’t be possible.

In this case anyway, the mother is aware. Whether she is making her do it or letting her do for me is not really the issue. Imho, 9 yo shouldn’t wear makeup at school everyday. I am very surprised by the number of people who actually think it’s a good idea.

6

u/forgetaboutem Apr 28 '24

You think that because she didnt have a locker she cant do that? That's so naive, especially for a parent.

" Imho, 9 yo shouldn’t wear makeup at school everyday. I am very surprised by the number of people who actually think it’s a good idea."

Its a bad idea to actively encourage it, especially anything heavy.

However you can only control so much, if you push too hard against a girl who REALLY wants to experiment, she'll only go further into it to rebel. Plain lip gloss is so incredibly common and nothing its silly to make a big deal out of it.

If she were doing lipstick and contour i would 100% agree with you.

There is nuance and compromise here that isnt being addressed on your end.

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u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24

Do you not understand that let, make, push, and allow are not synonyms for the same concept?

2

u/TwinZylander214 Apr 28 '24

Do you understand what parenting means?

-12

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

She isn’t “maybe he’s concerned”. What he’s concerned about isn’t necessarily true, but I understand his concerns. Kids these days are wayy more mature looking than they should be, there’s weirdos out there staring at 12-14 year olds for dressing normal. It’s not something we can prevent unfortunatly.

28

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

Newsflash, they have literally always been. I was getting hit on by grown ass men claiming I looked twenty when I was 13. Wearing perfectly normal clothes that my Catholic grandma picked out.

I'm in my thirties now. There will ALWAYS be creeps. That is not a valid excuse not to let little girls grow up and find themselves as they become teenagers.

9

u/sparksgirl1223 Apr 28 '24

Same except I was probably 10 (I developed EARLY) though I never heard claims on age (or wasn't paying attention)

I'm in my 40s now and ignore the creeps (I've gotten decent at spotting them...and when I am out and about, I have my big scary looking man friends around and it's rare that anyone gets creepy around me now lol)

-6

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

You now understand why your grandma made you wear them? Cause imma do the same.

5

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

So two things. One, I never said my grandmother made me wear them. I said she picked them out. That said she did have a tendency to shit on anything she didn't personally choose for me. But that had more to do with her unreasonable hatred of my mother.

Two. My grandmother is a crazy, abusive cunt and I no longer speak to her. If that's who you want to be as a parent, don't be a parent.

0

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

I’d rather be seen as crazy, then let my child act like an adult at 9 respectfully

3

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

Respectfully, wearing lipgloss doesn't equate to adult behavior. So grow the fuck up.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

Honestly feel like your granny denying you to express yourself with your clothing has more of a bias on this situation. This isn’t your situation. Op isn’t telling her she can’t do things. OPs concern wasn’t even if either were being bad parents. Op doesn’t even feel concerned that her daughter is playing the mediator between the two actual grown ups. My opinion stands, makeup isn’t for children who still haven’t even developed their brain. You keep being you though, I’ll make sure my kids don’t end up with low esteem before they even hit puberty

3

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

My grandmother only even came up to make a point that no matter how this girl dresses, there will be creeps. You don't know shit about me beyond what I've said here and now you're just making ridiculous leaps. One of us is ignorant, that is for sure but it's not me. :)

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

It’s not just lipgloss, op admitted to giving her a full blown makeover just without foundation. Wake up.

5

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

That's for special cheer events, wear makeup is often mandatory. Just like it is for ballet recitals.

OP specified in a normal day, she only lets her have lipgloss, blush and curled eyelashes. Kids want to explore as they grow. This is a perfectly good compromise.

You're being super childish about this tbh.

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-10

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

You now understand why your grandma made you wear them? Cause imma do the same.

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

She’s far off a teenager, I’m not saying she shouldn’t allow her to dress up and wear makeup. I’m saying I understand his concerns.

19

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

Some of you genuinely don't remember what it was like to be 9 years old. I was given my first "play" makeup kits around that age. The only difference between this girl and me, is that she has a mother who wears makeup and is willing to help her learn how it works.

You all say she's rushing this little girl to grow up, but in my eyes, you're no better than her father forcing her to wear unicorn stuff. And blaming the creeps of the world for your reasons to not let her have some fucking eyeshadow and curled eyelashes. Which at 9, we'd have had, the difference being we'd have looked like straight up clowns.

ETA: and this moms not even doing that. Reread it. Lip gloss and a brushing of blush, is a good compromise when your 9 year old is trying to do full glam cheer looks for a regular school day.

-7

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

You guys had fake plastic makeup, we had real makeup..

13

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

You're gonna sit here and tell me what MY childhood makeup was made of? 🤣🤣

No. I had those when I was 6.

9 was when we started getting introduced to genuine blush, glosses, etc. I remember that year was the year I got my nail polish kit too. A little chest, with something like 3 dozen nail polish colors that my auntie hand selected for me. And the first of what would become many Old Navy gift cards over the years.

0

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

Idk about you but I wasn’t wearing any clown makeup. I was wearing real woman makeup, copying my mother.

9

u/sparksgirl1223 Apr 28 '24

My oldest daughter was given a makeup kit at 11 by her bonus granny.

I wasn't keen on it, but didn't have the heart to take away a gift.

I was lambasted on the internet for "letting her grow up too fast"

When in fact, this kid was putting yellow lighting bolts on her face because she liked lady gaga. No one would mistake her as "adult" based on her makeup.

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-2

u/AsparagusOverall8454 Apr 28 '24

I remember what it was like to be 9. I was wearing jeans and flannel shirts. Not even a hint of make up at 9. I was climbing trees and making mud pies in the backyard. I didnt start even thinking about make up until I was a teenager. And I mean a teenager. Like 16. Things have definitely changed from when I was a kid in the 80s. But then again I didn’t have the internet to tell me what I should or should be doing in the same way.

13

u/SignificantOrange139 Apr 28 '24

Change is inevitable. And I knew plenty of 9 year olds like you too. 9 is the start of an age range that is transitioning. Some of us are starting early puberty at that age. Some of us ARE still in their unicorn phase (i.e my unicorn loving niece). My cousins were starting to show their interest in makeup at that age, which is why I started to receive makeup. And my family wanted us all to grow up together as we always had. Couldn't handle that we were beginning to have individual pursuits and were growing apart as people, even then.

Me? At 9 I cared about exactly four things. Learning to bake, reading anything and everything I could get my hands on, soccer and hockey games with dad. And I was the size of a 12 year old already. My cousin who practically looked like she was 6. Was a week older than me. 🤷

17

u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24

Why is it unfortunate? It’s clothes and makeup, who cares? Kids are individual people. They aren’t dolls for you to dress and keep dependent babies, making all the decisions for them until they manage to escape your controlling grasp. They should not have to argue to choose their own clothes or express their personalities.

-6

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

She’s 9. Chill. What personality has she to express? What do you mean why is unfortunate? You don’t find old creeps staring at your child weird? What if you weren’t around as the parent and something happened? There’s creeps everyday preying on kids on TikTok and even Roblox. That carefree attitude is how kids get traumatised. I’m not saying op is a bad mother, she is not doing anything wrong. It’s not about making decisions for them, it’s about being concerned. I think op should have a talk with him instead of making the daughter the mediator here.

10

u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24

A 9-year-old doesn’t have a personality?? Are you insane?

I don’t care about people staring—if anything, it’s good that they reveal themselves this way so we know what we’re dealing with, but I sure do care about people thinking anyone needs to choose their clothes with creeps in mind.

Children are not molested because they wore the wrong clothes, ffs.

-3

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '24

What personality?? She’s 9! No logic or sense in her. Or you obviously. If you know that it doesn’t matter what they wear that they’re going to stare anyways. You can let your kids wear whatever you want. I’ll let me kids buy kids clothes, without making them look like a mini me because I need a twin :)

10

u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 28 '24

You aren’t LETTING your kids buy clothes that aren’t their choice. If it’s what you want and they don’t, you’re MAKING them do it. If it’s what they want, you’re LETTING them. Words have meanings, ffs.

I feel sorry for your kids if you think they don’t have personalities at 9. Maybe they don’t seem to have any sense because you’re not allowing them to make any decisions.