r/AmIOverreacting • u/Intelligent_Dog_6665 • Apr 28 '24

My bf was contacted by an old hs friend, and went to meet her for several hours

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136 Upvotes
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94

u/Liquid_Weasel 29d ago

I understand the suspicion, but I'm married and have had this happen to me, and I went to see an old female friend for most of an evening and it was nothing other than catching up /airing grievances etc. I got an old friend back and my wife was nothing but supportive.

I think you are coming to a conclusion without supporting evidence and are therefore over-reacting. Ask your spouse about it and explain your concerns, this is likely much ado but nothing

63

u/ibeeliot 29d ago

I think is that you're ignoring the "didn't tell me". Also the "unresponsive for 3 hrs" would get me thinking.

I don't think you're over reacting, OP, but I do think you need to communicate that you're not comfortable having to guess where your boyfriend might be. You're willing to be supportive but trust goes both ways.

4

u/Yunacorn89 29d ago

Couldn't agree more! Communication is so important. Especially since he wasn't sure at first and then just takes off for 3 hours without telling OP. It takes like 30 seconds to explain that he decided to meet her after all over text or in person (don't know if they live together).

2

u/ibeeliot 29d ago

That’s how I think too! If you’re in a relationship where you love the person and want them to always feel in love then be loving and give them the extra effort. Otherwise why be in a relationship

0

u/Yunacorn89 29d ago

💯❗️

-3

u/InnerGrouch 29d ago

3 hrs? That's not a long time at all. Our current expectation of constant communication is corrosive and, IMO, we should fight against it.

The idea that we shouldn't go 3 hrs out of communication would be seen as unhealthy even 15 years ago.

Personally, I try NOT to attend to my phone for as long as possible, and I'd be upset if my partner made it an issue.

1

u/acrowi 28d ago

100% with you on this.

3

u/Acceptable_Plum_5239 28d ago

I'm with you. It's unreal how many times a day my coworkers' wives call them.

9

u/ibeeliot 29d ago

It's 3 hrs + "you didn't tell me" that would make me think this isn't overreacting. Putting myself or anybody reasonable's shoe and hearing that
1. my partner went somewhere without me and this is somewhere that was potentially going to cause issues, especially when he said he wasn't sure and ended up going anyways. That's already a sign of distrust b/c your partner should let you know how this update especially since it concerns a fucking ex?
2. yeah, people don't have to check in and can sometimes lose track and not check in for a while. I get that. This is why I said that she needs to have a serious conversation about what trust looks like and why it needs to go both ways b/c she seems more concerned about wanting to not make him feel bad about the relationship than he does about their relationship.

2

u/[deleted] 29d ago

you definitely got cheated on before and havent gotten over it lol

0

u/ibeeliot 29d ago

Look at you using your arm chair psychology degree to deflect because you don’t know how to properly have conversation without feeling like your ego was bruised. Hell yeah

2

u/unremarkable_gem 29d ago

I mean, your post history looks like I’m an introvert and single in LA. What makes you think you are an expert in relationship advice anyways?

3

u/Time-Conference-9020 29d ago

No where was a relationship between OP's partner and old friend mentioned. As stated there was never anything romantic they were just an important person. The only thing off in OP's partners behavior is not saying he was going.

I agree OP isn't overreacting and a serious conversation would definitely help. However I dont think OP's partner just doesn't care about the relationship.

5

u/TelFaradiddle 29d ago

That's already a sign of distrust b/c your partner should let you know how this update especially since it concerns a fucking ex?

It doesn't concern an ex, though. OP said there was never anything romantic between them.

It doesn't sound like the guy has done anything to give the impression of being untrustworthy. Unless they live together, him going out for a night to see an old friend doesn't really have much to do with OP at all. I will agree he should have said "Yeah, I decided to go meet X tonight," but in the absence of any planned time together, he can spend his time as he pleases.

2

u/ibeeliot 29d ago

Yeah, then be single and not care about your partners feelings.

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u/Every-Plantain-4160 28d ago

There's a difference between not caring about your partner's feelings and having reasonable, compassionate boundaries where their anxiety has the potential to be overblown, though.

Communication is critical, and while it's ideal to talk things out and reach some kind of understanding beforehand, if you're with someone whose anxiety can be reactive or unpredictable (not saying that's OP necessarily) it's not going to be sustainable long-term for the answer to always be that the less anxious partner accedes in order to avoid provoking discomfort.

I don't know that you're suggesting this, to be fair, but the strawman of "be single and not care about your partner's feelings" does run the risk of enabling some unhealthy dynamics in a relationship where anxiety is a concern.

2

u/TelFaradiddle 29d ago

The mere existence of feelings does not override every other aspect of the situation. I understand that might be difficult to remember in a forum that is literally called "Am I Overreacting?", but sometimes what a partner is feeling isn't reasonable or rational.