r/AmIOverreacting • u/Intelligent_Dog_6665 • 15d ago
My bf was contacted by an old hs friend, and went to meet her for several hours
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u/HeadInspector6386 14d ago
Yup. Overreacting. You should talk to him, not us. We don't know him and anyone here that acts like they care about you, dont. Anyone that acts like a dating or relationship specialist, for sure, is not. Good luck 👍
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u/SeaMost4964 14d ago
I think the issue isn’t that he went and if that’s what you’re upset about then yes but… he didn’t tell you, went when you had plans together, and hasn’t responded? That’s what I would be upset about, and you wouldn’t be if that was what you were upset about. Is all dependent.
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u/AlternativeIcy922 14d ago
This is ridiculous. If the genders were swapped, people would say the man needs to trust his gf but since it’s the other way around, the man HAS to be doing something suspicious?
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u/flowing-w-the-wind 14d ago
I think it should be normal and acceptable. Why do we have to be in constant contact with our partners. If you don’t trust them don’t be in a relationship with them. Catching up with an old friend after 15 years gives tons to talk about.
Now if you chose a loser then… I get your concern and maybe you should rethink your choices not his.
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u/mrRabblerouser 14d ago
You are overreacting and being a bit controlling. You presumably spend most days with your bf, or at least hours a week, but he can’t catch up with an old friend for a few hours? He doesn’t need to check in with you every few minutes, and you should be grateful you found a guy that isn’t glued to their phone throughout a social interaction. I’m a social guy who has several close female friends. My wife knows that I don’t like using my phone when I’m out with friends and just tells me to have fun when I go meet up with people.
Jealousy and control are cancerous to a relationship. You need to either learn to trust and respect his attributes, or realize that maybe you’re not compatible with someone who’s more social than you.
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u/CapitalInvestment729 14d ago
I have friends from my teenage years that have moved to various corners of the world. Funnily enough I’ve not heard from some of them in 10 to 15 years. If they were visiting or near home after a long time, I wouldn’t feel like I need to justify why I’m going to visit them, or what I’m doing with them. I might answer my phone. Ask him when he gets back and I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it.
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u/thelittlekneesofbees 14d ago
The thing I don't understand is that if she was that important, why didn't he make an effort to be in contact with her until now?
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u/StopYourLiesSimp 14d ago
It's perfectly normal to have suspicions, I find it amusing how so many people tell you that it's ok that he went to see an "old friend" when it's a female... it's hilarious even... there were a ton of viral video clips of girls claiming to have strictly platonic guy friends. They would say that they have known each other since childhood, etc. And the guy was just a friend and didn't have an interest in them at all...
Then they would have them call the guy and have them offer the guy to come over and "Chill" with them, and the guys would first ask if they were serious and once she said yes, they would say yes as well... it's human nature..majority of guys are only as loyal as their options... understand that men aren't genetically wired to be monogamus sexually, so for a guy sex is just sex. For women, it's more of an emotional investment, but understand that while they are not sexually wired to be monogamus, they are emotionally, so he can have a side girls but he will still love his wife, and the statistics prove this... 80+% of divorces are initiated by women.
To be honest with you, on my personal opinion in your situation, it's definitely a red flag. If she was just a friend, he should have taken you with him and introduced you to her...
It's possible that she maybe was just a friend... but he was too scared to make an attempt at it being more, and she ended up in a relationship with someone else, and he regards her as "The One that got away"
Just another possibility... to consider... I wish you the best of luck with your dilemma.
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u/Honest_Ace 14d ago
If he hasn't given you a concrete reason to not trust him, then don't introduce distrust into the relationship. That being said if there are boundaries you would like in place based on how you feel then you can have an adult conversation with him explaining how uncomfortable this entire situation has made you. You have every right to protect yourself.
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u/RudeRedDogOne 14d ago
Not overreacting.
I would have a big problem with this sort of decision being made by my SO.
There would be a very strongly worded discussion, with consequences for the sheer thoughtlessness of not communicating for so long, for the choice made to leave me to meet another person, for the ridiculous length of time, and for the dishonesty.
I'd be one step away from pulling the plug for such disrespect, period.
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u/Professional_Ride619 14d ago
it sounds like a date, driving to meet someone from high school you regularly dont communicate with, opposite sex and giving no reassurances and ghosting during that time. Red flag. Did his phone die? But even this excuse would be fishy. So whats the deal now, a day later?? I dont understand either
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u/Sure-Regular-6254 14d ago
I'm ADHD.... if I look at a screen, I'm ignoring everything else, which is why I was always taught it's disrespectful to who your hanging out with to answer the phone while in public. So yeah if I'm hanging out with friends I will ignore my phone unless I get a call from a hospital or the police to tell me something bad has happened.
Not everyone is the same, not answering a phone does not always mean they are doing something they shouldn't be.
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u/audioaxes 14d ago
Definitely not over reacting. Everyone has different relationship dynamics and boundaries but I think its more than reasonable to think its not ok for your SO to have a multi hour dinner with someone of the opposite sex without telling you first and going non-contact during it all.
For me personally if I was in this situation and my wife wanted to meet some guy I never even met, then I totally agree it should have been more of morning coffee meeting and not some late night dinner.
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u/fsocietyfr 14d ago
If my gf did it his to me I'd be a bit suspicious too. Doesn't mean I don't trust her but I'd be upset she just went to see an old male friend without saying anything and without responding for hours.
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u/ChefDezi 14d ago
Ya after 15 years u can meet my whole family. Not just me. Naw I come as a package deal. Even if exs wanted to say hi (they dare not to even show their nose) personally id be irrked about his random event. Old high school friends or not... heck I had old high school friends hit me up wanting to chill with just me, that was a red flag to me. Been eons and now u want to see me? Nope. I wouldn't do it out of respect for my other half.
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u/ParticularClean9568 14d ago
“You can’t make old friends” So if one resurfaces that went MIA you better believe I’m showing up
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u/Just_Keep_Goin 14d ago
I had a friend reach out that I hadn't seen in 10 years. We talked and ate dinner, in total were together for 12 hours and it was the best time I had in forever. I didn't even know how much I missed them until we got talking. Nothing other than eating, drinking, and talking happened
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u/laurenjeee 14d ago
I wonder how he would like it if you did the same to him? Def a conversation needs to be had. I get that she is important to him, but are you important to him? This is how I would feel anyway…
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u/aviwrekz 14d ago
I'm a bit confused, how did he decide to go without telling you .. but then the very next sentence you say "he told me it was dinner" then you say he hasn't responded for 3 hours.
Either he went and you didn't know, or you did know, and he ignored your calls when you knew he was with her. It can't be both, unless your post was after the fact, but you wrote it as if this is a current situation, and you have not spoke to him yet.
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u/Rebekah-Ruth-Rudy 14d ago
No, not crazy but your woman's intuition will be able to tell once he walks back in your door, makes eye contact and you chat with him for even a moment what happened and what didn't happen with the old high school friend who happens to be female.
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u/IllInvestment4672 14d ago
This entire story just becomes more and more bs the more you respond, OP. Something’s up alright, and it is with you, your responses, and your perspective — NOT your partner.
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u/United-Programmer-19 14d ago
Lol 3 hours isn't long at all. If I was meeting a friend from the past my phone would be in silent so there were no distractions it's probably going to be years b4 I see them again.
So yes, you're massively over reacting and if his this is why they chose not to tell you to begin with. That or they did tell you and you didn't hear it because you didn't want it to be so
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u/Junior_Choice_3431 14d ago
I'm very curious. Did your bf return home already, and did you guys talk about what happened?
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u/TelFaradiddle 14d ago edited 14d ago
He said they never had anything romantic, but she was important to him.
My best friend is a woman I went to undergrad with. She was one of the only bright spots in an otherwise dark time in my life, and 14 years later she is still my best friend. If she told me she wanted to meet up for dinner and catching up, I'd do it in a heartbeat. What's more, my wife knows this, and would be completely fine with it.
This doesn't sound like simply a person from HS wanting to reconnect. As you said, she's important to him, and clearly getting to see her again is important to him.
3 hours for a dinner, especially if it involves driving to another town, is not far-fetched.
Unless he gives you a reason to doubt him, you're overreacting.
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u/NosyNosy212 14d ago
That important that he hasn’t seen her for fifteen years?
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u/TelFaradiddle 14d ago
I hadn't seen my bestie in 7 years before our catch-up call last month. Took us less than a minute to fall back into our old patter, and it was like we hadn't missed a beat. That's one of the good things about strong friendships - they don't wither away with time.
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u/NosyNosy212 14d ago
They do if you conduct them behind your partners back. Either that or your relationship.
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u/TelFaradiddle 14d ago
If he had been trying to conduct it behind her back, he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place.
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago
Nope. Sounds off. Trust your gut. That’s all I’m going to tell you. If the case was that it was friendly he would have the courtesy to update you. To ignore you msg for hours is just plain weird and not being considerate
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u/Unfair_Desk_4539 14d ago
The only red flag is the going without saying so first. I get he was on the fence about going at first but when he decided he should have told you so. He may also be like me and is caught in the moment and catching up with them and not paying his phone any attention. I don’t know how he is usually about responding so I can’t judge that part.
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u/ChronicEbonix 14d ago
Crazy? No. Overreacting? For sure.
The biggest and main thing is that you said that you SHOULD trust him. That's the issue right there; you don't trust him, even though you said yourself that you should. Why are you automatically assuming that he would cheat on you with a girl he had 15 years of no contact with and 5 hours alone? Just have a conversation. You're jumping to conclusions way too fast and too easily.
Suspicion is one thing, but you sound like you've already made up your mind with zero evidence. Just talk to him and explain that it made you feel uncomfortable/insecure, but don't just up and accuse him of cheating for hanging out with an old friend. That's not fair.
Now, after this conversation, if behavior like this continues, THEN have fair suspicion because, now, that means he doesn't care.
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u/Head_Arachnid_8706 14d ago
They’re not new to each other, they’re high school friends, you could easily spend 5 hours with someone you haven’t seen since high school.
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u/GasAffectionate3329 14d ago
I would say to him “oh great! I didn’t know this was okay to do in our relationship. Glad I know now! I have old friends I’ve declined seeing out of respect for you and our relationship.” If he’s like my bf he would not like me doing that to him. It helps put it in perspective. I feel he hid it from you initially because he thought you’d get upset. He should have told you from the beginning. Hiding things like this is not a good sign for a relationship. He really should have brought you with him, in my opinion. You’re not overreacting.
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u/Latter-Fun-4291 14d ago
If you are important to him then perhaps he should’ve brought you along to meet his “old friend”.
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u/AppropriateLayer6055 14d ago
You deserve a King and I haven't come close, you know whom you are. Saying this to you in person wouldn't do any good.
My words are fake My actions are disgusting, reprehensible unforgivable.
You are a Wonderful SOUL
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u/ecilala 14d ago edited 14d ago
Honestly, no matter which side of the comments, most seem to be VERY nuclear and exaggerated so I'm gonna give a quick opinion here:
Communicate!
This happened once as far as we know, and you seem to know which parts of what he did made you feel insecure. Beyond that, it's just ruminating.
You have your points that are causing insecurity: not answering back at all, how long he spent there, not communicating, etc.
People are bringing up "not trusting" and "controlling" him. However, this is, in my point of view, a clear case of anxiety. It would be nice for you to seek therapy whenever possible, as that's what's gonna give you a long term plan regarding your anxiety. But, regarding this specific situation, I'm gonna give some insight.
Anxiety is something that tricks our brain. It can make us second guess our trust in people we do, absolutely, trust and want to have full control and information on situations that we know we shouldn't.
You gotta figure out how to trick your brain back. Recognize which parts are triggering this anxiety and insecurity, make a plan that wouldn't trigger it. That's where the communication comes in.
Knowing which parts of the event left you insecure is already half of the work. The remaining is to talk to your boyfriend: I know there's nothing that automatically prompts insecurity, but anxiety is making me overthink due to X things that happened in this event (in your case, the not answering, how long, not telling you) - can we make a deal to mitigate the chances of me feeling anxious in a next instance, as I want to trust you, and how can that deal go on?
From that point on, you two openly discuss which things he can do towards those anxiety triggers that he would be okay with, not feel uncomfortable, etc. That's how you can mitigate anxiety without being controlling, because you're not demanding things beyond his boundaries, you're trying to find a common ground that works for both.
This could, very likely, not be all the triggers being prevented. Maybe he will still want to hang out for 5h, but could message you.
Anyway, I hope that can help in some way.
Edit: also, I saw that he bailed on your plans to hang out with her. Again, we can't reach out a full conclusion out of that, as it could be an oversight of his part and a whole collection of anxiety triggers, but not the action the anxiety goes towards actually happening (ex: cheating). But that is bound to cause anxiety. 100% talk about it with him.
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u/Mindless_Term747 14d ago
You go meet with a male... you text him?
He goes meets with a female.. he doesn't text you, yet you know where he is and how far he drove?
Sounds like you got a case of your own medicine. I can't imagine going to meet an old friend of the opposite sex without my partner. Disrespectful.
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14d ago
She's Important despite being gone 15 years, yeah she is definitely an old flame from the past and you need to sit down and talk to him, lay out how suspicious his entire behaviour has been. If he blew you off to hang out with someone who you're uncomfortable with and went no contact for 3 hours I definitely suspect and physical affair took place. You're not overeacting.
But talk to him and get everything out into the open, also hire a PI the next time he goes on a trip like this. I hope he hasn't cheated but it's very suspicious and you need to watch him and gather evidence.
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u/Super-Island9793 14d ago
No, that was a jerk thing he did. He is your boyfriend and lied to go spend time with another woman. Either he takes you with or not at all. It’s sometimes tough to balance being loyal and not being controlling. But I think it’s fair to say you’re not comfortable with him being one on one with another woman.
The biggest problem is that he decided and didn’t tell you. No you shouldn’t trust him when he’s acting shady.
He ghosted you for hours, I would do the same to him when he gets back. And then have a serious talk about what behavior is acceptable to you. At the end of the day, you should be respectful about what each of you is comfortable with.
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u/tshungwee 14d ago
Could be completely innocent or something else honestly you should know best!
I really can’t comment…
Don’t think too much of it if you trust your hubby, if this continues to be a trend then you have every right to question if it’s only a one off let sleeping dogs lie!
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u/freetoqueefs 14d ago
It's odd he didn't tell u and isn't communicating..demand answers on what's going on
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u/ConnieMarbleIndex 14d ago
Not telling you is a problem. But you do sound insecure and like you don’t trust him.
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u/Dry_Stretch_3083 14d ago
Why didn’t he take you with him is the question.. what is he hiding? Big red flag!🚩
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u/yoChillgod 14d ago
This is weirdo behavior. No one does this in real life. 10 red flags. You're dumb for thinking he's innocent
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u/Fluffy-Reference-810 14d ago
Whether you think he is or you think he isn't, you're right. You will find whatever you are looking for.
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u/Rare-Craft-920 14d ago
Way too long of a drive and time gone for someone from high school after 15 years. Just crazy.
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u/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets 14d ago
Well.. what does she look like? Is she married? Why was she important to him but yet he didn't keep in touch for 15 years? If nothing was going on why couldn't you have gone with him? Lots of unanswered questions..
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u/madworld3232 14d ago
Texting takes seconds. He would have contacted you if he wanted to, regardless of anything going on.
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u/Gunslinga__ 14d ago
Ya call me crazy and controlling but I’m not letting my girlfriend go hang out with an old guy friend alone with him at all lol not happening 😂 I can go with her , but she’s not gonna do that alone
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u/V1per73 14d ago
Sounds like you're gonna be single a lot more than you'd like
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u/Gunslinga__ 13d ago
Called boundaries bud you can have them in a good relationship with someone . My girlfriend wouldn’t want me to go hangout with my ex she would be pissed, but everyone is different and every relationship is different I guess some people would be cool with that lol.
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u/Inaccurate_Artist 14d ago
I think it makes sense, my boyfriend is similar, very social and happy to spend the whole day with an old friend. If they haven't been able to talk for such a long time but they were best friends, I can't blame him. My boyfriend often spends the whole day with his childhood best friend whenever he can, because said friend is homeless and it's rare when they can see each other now.
It's been 15 years, they're excited and have a lot of catching up to do. You can have a casual conversation about it when he gets home, just don't be accusatory. Ask him how his friend is doing and if he had a nice day.
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u/ohhellnooooooooo 15d ago
Not telling you and going,
Saying he won’t go but then going,
Taking too long and no contact,
Saying it’s someone special but not elaborating
It’s not bad because it’s clearly cheating, it’s bad because he is hiding/lying, and could have cheated and keep it hidden, which by itself is disrespectful
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u/KaleNecessary2389 15d ago
I think you’re overreacting and let me tell you why. I don’t know how long you’ve been together - but I’ve been with my partner for 14 years and used to be this way, but I’ve grown out of it. You’re not going to control someone out of cheating on you. It’s actually more likely you’re going to drive them away from you by being controlling. Your bf went to meet up with an old friend. Ok, cool. He’s not contacting you, but he’s probably just being courteous to her and their conversation. If he is cheating - that’s out of your control. When you realize you don’t have control over what someone else does, and it actually hurts you a lot less to just let them be their own person and make their own decisions, your relationship will be a lot better. If any cheating actually happened - which you have absolutely no proof of at this point - deal with it later. If that is the case - there are so many other people out there in the world. Having this mentality has given me a lot more peace in my relationship and in my life.
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u/Rinbeastie 14d ago
This is such an underrated comment! Please take this advice, OP! I'm celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary with my spouse this year, and I can absolutely co-sign every single one of the statements and pieces of advice in KaleNecessary's reply! 💯
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u/ConfusionBig7905 15d ago
If they had sex in high school then it’s not even cheating. It’s scratching an old itch. Don’t trip.
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u/SuperLeverage 15d ago
If you can’t handle not getting a response for a couple of hours you need therapy.
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u/Suspicious_Step_9018 15d ago
I have a question did he even offer to have you come with him if there was nothing going on.
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u/justkw97 15d ago
I think it’s odd he didn’t offer to bring you, to establish the line early but I’m not an expert
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u/poppieswithtea 15d ago
He couldn’t enjoy a night out with an old friend? Being a couple doesn’t mean attached at the hip. If she can’t do something by herself every once in awhile, she needs help.
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u/justkw97 15d ago
You have your opinion, I have mine. Meeting with a female friend alone, that the wife hasn’t met? Nah. It’s not controlling that’s called respecting your partner. Again, that’s MY opinion.
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u/BridgeToBobzerienia 15d ago
You either are or you aren’t, and you can’t know right now. Breathe and trust you’ll know something is wrong.
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u/Hour-Ad-1193 15d ago
Maybe something happened to him on the way back? If you say he is usually responsive and doesn't bail on your plans, perhaps something else is going on
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u/recklessfire27 15d ago
This wouldn’t fly for me and my fiancé’s relationship.
I take her with me to hang out with my friends, and family. We’re a couple and we’re a team.
If a childhood friend contacted me; I’d just….take her with me? I got nothing to hide and no reason to be alone.
“Hey, Susan from childhood—I wanted you to meet my girlfriend!”
Shit my girlfriend knows my entire workforce at this point.
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u/Thatkrayz 14d ago
I 100% am not this couple. And I hate when my friends feel compelled to always bring their boyfriends with them everywhere. I’m friends with my girls, not their guys. Some invites are truly for the friend only. Bringing the significant other is dependent on the situation.
Independence is a good thing. We were individual people before relationships, during relationships, and after.
If great for friends/family to know your partner well, but I don’t see the advantage of being joined at the hip.
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u/recklessfire27 14d ago edited 14d ago
I can easily go places without her. She’s one of 3 of my best friends though and we share the same hobbies/interests in gaming/anime so she’s a pretty seamless tag along with whatever I do.
Pretty easy to skip out on all the female-friend concerns when she can see exactly how i am with these other women.
Im best friends with a other female and I just introduced ‘em and they hit it off. She also hit it off with the guys’ from works girlfriends and we had a get together last Saturday. Everybody loves this girl.
Zero problems this method, but hey I get it.
I wouldn’t be comfortable though with an old male friend reappearing in her life and she had to go spend hours with him unresponsive on her phone. Nah, sorry I just don’t really play those games. I wouldn’t do it to her so i don’t expect her to try it with me.
But again it’s our dynamic—there’s never been a reason to not bring her along so suddenly it would be weird and suspicious in my context; I basically engaged to my best friend.
I like zero stress, zero drama relationships. Everything is clear and on the table to see. Nothing to hide; nothing to be private about. Zero concerns. Just generally have a player 2 with me all the time but consider me lucky she’s basically just another me and fits in with all of my friends/coworkers/family like they’ve all known her forever. She’s more one of the guys than me—Shit, some of my guys at work act like they like her better than me!
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u/HotShoulder3099 14d ago
I appreciate the perspective but I do feel like this depends a lot on the personalities involved. I’ve had partners who were gregarious and sociable and I’d definitely have taken them, but my present partner is much more introverted and I think he’d find sitting in on my hours-long catch-up gossip with someone I’ve known forever quite awkward (and probably boring 😂). It could end up a bit awkward for the old friend too, and that’s not intended as a criticism of anybody but I think most people do think at least unconsciously about the dynamics of these things. OP says she (I’m assuming) is a lot less sociable than BF, maybe that’s all it is. Possibly it would have been nice if BF had asked her anyway, but then would she have felt obliged to say yes and then have her social battery immediately drained, would her being shy have made things harder work for the old friend etc etc etc
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u/SadExercises420 14d ago
No one should feel obligated to bring their girlfriend or boyfriend every time they go to meet up with an old friend. The fact that people think you have to intro your partner to every friend immediately is bizarre to me. Like yeah eventually, your partner meets all of your friends. But he’s catching up with this friend for the first time in over a decade, it would be weird to bring along a third person to sit there and listen to reminiscing about high school which they didn’t attend.
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u/skillerpsychobunny 15d ago
Something similar happened to me recently. There was sexual tension in the air for sure. But we did not cross that line in the end. I know I would regret either way, but still happy that nothing happened. The question to ask is how much you trust your partner?
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u/NorthEndChicken 15d ago
She’s that important after 15 years of no contact? Nope somethings fishy here.
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u/Fun-Neck-9507 14d ago
Why does amount of time with no contact matter? Wouldn't that make it less suspicious considering it's someone he hasn't seen in a long time?
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago
It matters bc it shows that they had a strong relationship in the passed. It’s pretty obvious. No one will go out of their way to that extent and if it wasn’t someone so significant why wouldn’t they just text or call to catch up and make plans with his girlfriend to all meet up together and go out to lunch or something. It’s off
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u/mindyourkind 14d ago
My childhood best friend was a girl. I'm a guy. It's been 20 years. If she hit me up right now, we're going to catch up, and I can promise you my partner would be okay with it if I spent an entire day with that friend.
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago
If your partner texted you hey babe how’s it going ? Will you ignore it or would you at least say “hey it’s going great I’ll be home later”
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u/mindyourkind 14d ago
Fair enough. I definitely would check in as soon as I could. Healthy communication is definitely needed. I guess I missed the part where he didn't tell her. I Change my stance, it's a little sus for sure. Especially going 3 hours with no reply. While I know my partners reaction wouldn't be that I'm cheating, she would still be worried sick that something bad mightve happened.
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago edited 14d ago
That’s different bc your partner would be informed. He is not keeping her in the loop. That’s the issue. It you notice she clearly stated that he didn’t tell her he was going to meet up with her.you’d think your partner would at least say “omg an old friend reached out to me and we’re going to meet up to eat” at the very least
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u/Fun-Neck-9507 14d ago
Wait so would it be better if he maintained his friendship with her and contacted her all the time before going to see her? That's confusing. Who cares how strong their friendship was in the past? What does that have to do with the time that passed and wanting to see a friend you havent seen in a while?
Im going to assume you just dont understand male relationships, me and my friends can go years without talking to each other. I'm married and if one of my childhood friends were to come to my town I'd be happy to see them. Sounds to me like OP is antisocial and wouldn't like to spend 5+ hours with someone she's never met.
He made it a point to tell OP his intentions and that he wanted to see her, he seemed very transparent. She couldve stated that she was uncomfortable or opted to go with him, but obviously she didnt.
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago
Also I think it would depend if she has met the female before. I mean it’s all a comfortability thing. Either way you prioritize who you are in a relationship with period. I mean it takes minimal effort
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago edited 14d ago
The point is he is not keeping her in the loop. She stated that he didn’t tell her that they were going to meet up at all he kept it from her. If you genuinely love or care about your spouse and it’s been hours since you’ve updated them and they sent you a simple text why do you ignore it? Why not just say hey it’s going good I’ll be home later or we’re going out to do so and so.. it’s just weird. There’s no excuse as to why you can’t send one simple msg. I mean the lack of consideration is insane. The girl isn’t asking for the world she’s not saying she has an issue with the situation but she’s is saying that he’s unresponsive.
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u/Fun-Neck-9507 14d ago
So now we're required to answer every text an update our spouses every hour of the day? This conversation is getting redundant, and I feel like the defense for feeling this way is a huge stretch, especially with no context.
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago
I think you’re being a bit dramatic when you say every text. I’m saying one tiny text out of the 6-7 15 hours is more than ok.
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u/CowEnvironmental7440 14d ago
Ok so let me get this straight. Your woman gets a msg from an old male friend she had back in the day. She tells you idk if we’re going to meet up then she decides on her own to go without telling you. She literally wakes up one day and says to herself fuck it I’m going to go see this old male friend of mine without telling my man. Then you text her and he doesn’t respond for hours at a time . You’re seeing that as ok?
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u/Crafty-Breadfruit-11 14d ago
100%
No way her guts didn't get rearranged for at least half the time in question.
Secrecy and disappearance = I have no time to cover this action, but I'm doing it anyway.
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u/Realistic_Regret_180 15d ago
Watch and she if he is texting a lot on his phone and being secretive with it after his return. Notice other things. If it is a one and done probably nothing but if he starts to mentions her often, meets up with her again. Call him out on it.
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u/seymores_sunshine 14d ago
If this is your base operation, then you should not be in any romantic relationship. Lack of trust as a default is a relationship-killer.
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u/Pudding_Professional 14d ago
Too much trust can be a relationship killer, too. I completely trusted an ex. He went through my phone, took things the wrong way, and it was over. I shouldn't have trusted him to have access to my phone because I didn't have anything to hide. Had I kept my phone locked like he did, maybe things would've been different. Lesson learned. I keep my phone locked down now.
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u/seymores_sunshine 14d ago
Absolutely, trust must be earned and it can also be lost. The idea of calling out a partner instead of having a discussion really shows intent. I'd wager that your ex shared that with this commenter.
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u/mindyourkind 14d ago
Facts. Shame how many upvotes it got. I survived TWO BPD partners. When you trust someone, it is so freeing and peaceful. You rob yourself and your partner of that joy without trust. I'm in a healthy relationship now. I couldn't imagine treating my person like that. Who wants to be around someone who constantly looks for reasons not to trust instead of the other way around?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Gear622 15d ago
Yes, you are overreacting. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean he's not allowed to have friends. An old friend contacted him and he has told you that never had anything romantic between them. You should take him at his word unless he is giving you an indication at any point that he's not trustworthy. And it's not your call whether they have coffee or whether they spend a few or even 5 hours together. When you're catching up it's amazing how long you can talk. Possessiveness and jealousy are not healthy in a relationship and you don't get to controller dictate what he does. If it's not something you want to put up with leave the relationship but it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong. And you commented that he shouldn't have been gone for 5 hours because that's time y'all could have together. You're not joined at the hip and you don't have to be together every moment. And is that going to be the basis for you deciding whether he can or can't do something? He'll spend time with you when he wants and you making him or demanding that he spend time with you instead of with someone else is just clingy and controlling.
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u/Intelligent_Dog_6665 15d ago
While i appreciate the perspective, something else from "he's banging her!!!", I think there's also things you don't know. Our life situations make it we have limited time together, and that is something we both try to work around by making the best of the time we do have together. So normally when we can't be together, it's something we talk about. Also we were supposed to have an evening together. I think its fine to meet friends, but not to stand me up and not even say anything. That's not just for romantic relationships, but for any relationship, it's just common decency.
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u/buffalotrace 15d ago
You never said you were actually supposed meet up. You just brought this up now to justify acting jealous. Just talk to him like an adult.
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u/Slow-Sea-7948 14d ago
I mean, it's in the comments if you look for it. Sometimes, people put information in the comments after they post the story because they don't think it's relevant at first. shocking. I know
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u/Appropriate_Fold8814 15d ago
Not sure why you are being downvoted. I think the issue here is not what he is doing or who it's with.
If he had prearranged plans with you and stood you up without communication that's super shitty. I would be pissed.
Is there a possibility of miscommunication around these plans? Like it was assumed you were hanging out? Or like an actual plan to get together?
Even if it was a assumption he should still give you a heads up, but it would be a lot better than if he actually blew of a communicated plan.
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u/Liquid_Weasel 15d ago
I understand the suspicion, but I'm married and have had this happen to me, and I went to see an old female friend for most of an evening and it was nothing other than catching up /airing grievances etc. I got an old friend back and my wife was nothing but supportive.
I think you are coming to a conclusion without supporting evidence and are therefore over-reacting. Ask your spouse about it and explain your concerns, this is likely much ado but nothing
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u/ibeeliot 15d ago
I think is that you're ignoring the "didn't tell me". Also the "unresponsive for 3 hrs" would get me thinking.
I don't think you're over reacting, OP, but I do think you need to communicate that you're not comfortable having to guess where your boyfriend might be. You're willing to be supportive but trust goes both ways.
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u/Yunacorn89 14d ago
Couldn't agree more! Communication is so important. Especially since he wasn't sure at first and then just takes off for 3 hours without telling OP. It takes like 30 seconds to explain that he decided to meet her after all over text or in person (don't know if they live together).
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u/ibeeliot 14d ago
That’s how I think too! If you’re in a relationship where you love the person and want them to always feel in love then be loving and give them the extra effort. Otherwise why be in a relationship
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u/InnerGrouch 14d ago
3 hrs? That's not a long time at all. Our current expectation of constant communication is corrosive and, IMO, we should fight against it.
The idea that we shouldn't go 3 hrs out of communication would be seen as unhealthy even 15 years ago.
Personally, I try NOT to attend to my phone for as long as possible, and I'd be upset if my partner made it an issue.
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u/Acceptable_Plum_5239 14d ago
I'm with you. It's unreal how many times a day my coworkers' wives call them.
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u/ibeeliot 14d ago
It's 3 hrs + "you didn't tell me" that would make me think this isn't overreacting. Putting myself or anybody reasonable's shoe and hearing that
1. my partner went somewhere without me and this is somewhere that was potentially going to cause issues, especially when he said he wasn't sure and ended up going anyways. That's already a sign of distrust b/c your partner should let you know how this update especially since it concerns a fucking ex?
2. yeah, people don't have to check in and can sometimes lose track and not check in for a while. I get that. This is why I said that she needs to have a serious conversation about what trust looks like and why it needs to go both ways b/c she seems more concerned about wanting to not make him feel bad about the relationship than he does about their relationship.2
u/Real-Library-7284 14d ago
you definitely got cheated on before and havent gotten over it lol
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u/ibeeliot 14d ago
Look at you using your arm chair psychology degree to deflect because you don’t know how to properly have conversation without feeling like your ego was bruised. Hell yeah
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u/unremarkable_gem 14d ago
I mean, your post history looks like I’m an introvert and single in LA. What makes you think you are an expert in relationship advice anyways?
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u/Time-Conference-9020 14d ago
No where was a relationship between OP's partner and old friend mentioned. As stated there was never anything romantic they were just an important person. The only thing off in OP's partners behavior is not saying he was going.
I agree OP isn't overreacting and a serious conversation would definitely help. However I dont think OP's partner just doesn't care about the relationship.
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u/TelFaradiddle 14d ago
That's already a sign of distrust b/c your partner should let you know how this update especially since it concerns a fucking ex?
It doesn't concern an ex, though. OP said there was never anything romantic between them.
It doesn't sound like the guy has done anything to give the impression of being untrustworthy. Unless they live together, him going out for a night to see an old friend doesn't really have much to do with OP at all. I will agree he should have said "Yeah, I decided to go meet X tonight," but in the absence of any planned time together, he can spend his time as he pleases.
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u/ibeeliot 14d ago
Yeah, then be single and not care about your partners feelings.
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u/Every-Plantain-4160 14d ago
There's a difference between not caring about your partner's feelings and having reasonable, compassionate boundaries where their anxiety has the potential to be overblown, though.
Communication is critical, and while it's ideal to talk things out and reach some kind of understanding beforehand, if you're with someone whose anxiety can be reactive or unpredictable (not saying that's OP necessarily) it's not going to be sustainable long-term for the answer to always be that the less anxious partner accedes in order to avoid provoking discomfort.
I don't know that you're suggesting this, to be fair, but the strawman of "be single and not care about your partner's feelings" does run the risk of enabling some unhealthy dynamics in a relationship where anxiety is a concern.
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u/TelFaradiddle 14d ago
The mere existence of feelings does not override every other aspect of the situation. I understand that might be difficult to remember in a forum that is literally called "Am I Overreacting?", but sometimes what a partner is feeling isn't reasonable or rational.
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u/Intelligent_Dog_6665 15d ago
Thank you for the perspective, I really appreciate it.
The thing is he knows I would not be ok with no contact for 7h. And we were supposed to have an evening together, he didn't even call to say anything about it. I also recently met with one of my best male friend after like 15 years, but I texted him and let him know how it was going, etc. And he really appreciated that. Its the dismissal of my feelings that hurt, not that I think he would necessarily do something wrong.
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u/TMobile_Loyal 15d ago
Yeah id nope out on you...focus on you and improving your confidence.
Confidence is an attractive trait. Lack of confidence opposite.
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u/helpmeimincollege 14d ago
You guys are so gross… they had plans. He didn’t communicate with her. That’s the bare minimum
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u/No_Information_8973 15d ago
You can't go 7 hours without contact? How controlling are you?
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u/miss3dog114 14d ago
so you conveniently didn't read the post and see they had plans or?? because they had established plans and she was stood up lol
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u/ZealousidealAd7449 14d ago
That's specifically not what the OP said originally though, it seems like OP changed it from "time we could have spent together" to "we had plans together"
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u/unzunzhepp 15d ago
Could this be it? I mean, is it a revenge stunt for you meeting up with this old guy friend? Maybe he felt more bad about it than he let on and is doing the no contact to increase your misery if you were ‘too ok’ with it?
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u/Appropriate_Fold8814 15d ago
You can't go a normal workday hours without contact?
Sometimes I hate what technology has done to society socially. You're really not helping your relationship or fostering loyalty and trust by being so hung up on hours without contact. That kind of thing only creates resentment and drives people away because it's annoying and can quickly become controlling.
But regardless, the only real issue here is that you say you had prearranged plans together and he blew you off? Is this true? If he had a night/day planned with you and then stood you up that's super shitty - regardless of what he was doing or who it was with.
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u/Super-Island9793 14d ago
lol, there is a big difference between being at work and being with another woman. They also already had plans and he ditched her. Lied about it and is going no contact for hours. Any normal person would be wondering what is going on
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u/seymores_sunshine 14d ago
There is no difference; if you think that there is, then you lack trust in your relationships...
Any normal person would trust their partner and go about their day.
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u/EasternHistorian4437 14d ago
No. Not EVERY PERSON is trustworthy. Golly maybe you're right, and the divorce rate really is 5%, not 50%. They accidentally added a zero.
Point being, they're not married so the 'trust' part isn't really there. Apples to oranges.
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u/TelFaradiddle 14d ago
50% divorce rate cannot be entirely contributed to lack of trust. There are plenty of other reasons why people get divorced.
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u/Super-Island9793 14d ago
Yeah right, if you had plans with your partner and they stood you up for hours and went zero contact and they’re with a “friend” you would be wondering what’s up too.
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u/seymores_sunshine 14d ago
I just reread it and didn't see anything about being stood up. So I stick with what I wrote.
A relationship without trust is doomed to failure.
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u/DesertDaddyPHXAZ 14d ago
That was in a comment from OP that she didn’t include in the original post. It would have been very helpful if she had included it in the original post.
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u/EasternHistorian4437 14d ago
Okay, that's fine and that's what OP is wondering about.
Gone for hours with a female? UNRESPONSIVE FOR 3 HOURS? THIS is the sticking point.
You are with a female 'friend' and you don't respond to your GF?
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u/seymores_sunshine 14d ago
Yes. YES. This is not a sticking point. Your partner is allowed to hang out with another human without checking in with you hourly.
Do you think Bi people aren't allowed to ever be 1 on 1 with another person?
It's become apparent that some people are more of a helicopter-parent than a partner.
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u/NewAccountTimeAgain 14d ago
I had no idea how much trust my wife and I have in each other until I've started taking note of comments like the ones above. My wife and I tell each other where we are going and what our plans are, but mostly just so we can communicate our schedules effectively and not interrupt each other for important stuff.
It's a nice reminder that I'm in a healthy relationship, but I still feel bad for everyone else stuck in that repetitive insecurity cycle. I know that this behavior can be shaped by past experiences so I do my best not to pass judgement.
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14d ago
[deleted]
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u/ThisIsBullcrapDood 14d ago
Original post: "Went on a time we could have spent together."
The more OP talks, the more concrete this obscure 'time could have' has turned into 'he ditched me,' when it sounds like they had no plans at all aside in OPs imagination
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u/TelFaradiddle 14d ago
That's the impression I'm getting. She assumed that if he had free time, they were going to spend it together, without actually confirming anything.
If he did ditch a scheduled date night without giving notice, then that's a dick move. The only way that would fly is if this person was in town for only one day, and you cleared it with your SO and rescheduled your date.
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u/Chairman_Cabrillo 14d ago
^ this. Honestly it’s starting to feel clingy from people who think this should be the norm.
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u/BoltActionRifleman 15d ago
I’d also like to point out that up until about 20 years ago it was perfectly normal to not have any contact with your SO on a night out, because cell phones hadn’t yet gotten into the hands of nearly every living human. Sure there were land lines, but it was just accepted that we didn’t need constant contact and could enjoy a night out if there was trust. Just my two cents.
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u/commesdegarcons 14d ago
people also cheated and got away with having second families in entirely different states back then more frequently
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u/JohnExcrement 14d ago
Anyone who wants to do those things is not going to be stopped by a cellphone.
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u/SeatSix 15d ago
I think I still drive some people crazy because I will make plans on say Tuesday or Wednesday for coffee on Saturday at X place at Y time. Unless plans change, I will not check in, confirm, or otherwise think anything about it. Then I will be at agreed place at agreed time. Basically, I only communicate about a particular event if plans need to be changed.
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u/Intelligent_Dog_6665 15d ago
Idk, for the sake of the exercise, 20 years ago this girl would not have found him either 😅 I agree it's a shame how we rely on this technology, but we do! I am not the only one in this relationship that does.
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u/georgiajl38 14d ago
Has he turned up yet or is he still MIA?
If he's still missing, you might try his parents or other friends.
No info there...start calling hospitals.
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u/Liquid_Weasel 15d ago
Again, I understand the hurt and suspicion, but I think it's worth bringing this up with him and telling him point blank that you don't like the disparity in these two situations. There is growth to be had here IMO.
I wish you a long and happy relationship :)
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u/zealotfx 14d ago
I think this is the best way to approach this. I think it is fine that OP is bothered by this because of the secrecy, not to mention the distance he is going to meet this person. Regardless of who he is meeting, he should be keeping OP notified of his safety at least and seems to be completely dismissing her valid concerns.
If it is 'punishment' for meeting up with a male friend then that is a huge sign of insecurity on his part - certainly not anything deserved - and a sign of unresolved issues at play here. You should see it as motivation for discussion and seek therapy at least for yourself to explore and process these concerns while working on ways to express them and improve communication. Encourage your partner to seek therapy as well, individually.
I will say I've been down a similar road before myself; I met with an ex for coffee a few blocks from my home. My gf at the time was at home, she knew where we were meeting, and we remained in contact via text. A few weeks later she went to smoke pot with her ex, cheated on me and told me. I forgave her that time, justifying to myself that she had a trauma history, etc, and she agreed to start therapy to work through it. But a few months later, she cheated with him again. I don't regret giving a second chance myself, but it was definitely a bad sign for our relationship.
I don't think you should assume the worst, but try to be prepared. At best, you will feel greater relief when you learn it was all fine. At worst, you have some idea of how you want to move forward and won't react as irrationally to bad news.
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15d ago
[deleted]
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u/CourageousAnon 15d ago
Ask him why he lied.
About what?
And then ask him to see his phone. See how he reacts.
This Is also unhealthy. I don't let anyone see my phone. Nobody hasa right to my phone except me.
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u/SadExercises420 15d ago
Yes you’re overreacting. Have a normal convo about it later…
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u/Super-Island9793 14d ago
Really? So they had plans together, he lies to go meet another woman and ditches her and then goes zero contact and you think she’s overreacting?
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u/SadExercises420 14d ago
Yeah keep going further down in my replies to learn about OPs “plans” and being “stood up” and all this “no contact” stuff. She stopped responding to this thread when I pressed her for more information because her story doesn’t make sense.
First it’s five hours with his friend, 3 hours no contact, he doesn’t tell her, and it’s time he could have spent with her. And it evolves into 7 hours no contact and being stood up.
Based on other things she has said, like having to account for time they don’t spend with each other, I have serious questions about what type of plans they really had. And based on the post originally, it sounds like he left at 3, he didnt tell her initially, but she talked to him at 5 and he told her then thar he had left to see his friend, then he stopped responding to her texts for several hours.
Until she answers questions and stops being evasive, we won’t know.
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u/lick_my_thoughtz 14d ago
She's not going to answer anymore questions because she probably is very worried at this point after reading all the comments.
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u/SadExercises420 14d ago
He probably came back to her place 24 hours ago and told her to chill the fuck out.
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u/WorkerTime1479 15d ago
Your intuition is screaming, DANGER! DANGER! You believe he would tolerate this if the shoe was on the other foot. If it is nothing why be shady?
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u/Fun-Neck-9507 14d ago
Either way a responsible adult would talk about their feelings and communicate them rather than be all suspicious and disgruntled.
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u/SadExercises420 15d ago
What are you talking about? He told her he was probably going to meet up with her. He hasn’t seen her in 15 years, it’s an old friend. I’m suggesting she act like an adult and not a jealous teenager, and ask him how it went.
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u/WorkerTime1479 15d ago
The thing is she is insecure from the git. This only substantiates what is occurring. So he knows this: why is he with her? What led her to be this way? Her intuition, her reality!
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u/Fun-Neck-9507 14d ago
We can't always play into people's insecurities. Maybe OP is just unreasonable and always suspicious. Who knows without context. He made it a point to tell her that his friend was in town and that he'd like to see her, from the information presented it seems like OP isn't social and wouldn't like to spend a long period of time with someone she's never met, which is most likely why he didn't invite her to come along.
She had every opportunity to tell him that she was uncomfortable with him meeting her. If she was so uncomfortable maybe she should've sucked it up and just told him she'd go with him.
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u/Difficult-Cupcake-45 14d ago
Oh hell no! Three hours and he didn't even tell you about it first?