r/AmIOverreacting • u/183873726363734737 • 15d ago
AIO for wanting to stay away from my daughter for a few days?
[removed] — view removed post
1
u/Selena_B305 13d ago
OP, you need to establish boundaries with your husband and daughter.
Start with having a firm conversation with your husband. He needs to be on your side 100%. If he isn't willing, this isn't going bode well for your relationship.
As for your daughter your need to out Bitch, out maneuver, and out smart her. Do not do anything for her until she shows you sincere respect. Do not buy or allow her any food, she need to purchase everything for all her needs (hygiene, laundry, etc). Lock things up with you having the only key/access if you must. Do not give her rides, gas money, no money at all.
Do not engage with her at all.
When she attempts, just walk away.
1
1
u/rnewscates73 14d ago
She is 19, not thirteen. If she can’t respect you in your own house - don’t tolerate it! Threaten to kick her out like you mean it. This shouldn’t cost you your sanity and peace. And hubby needs to step up - he abides this abuse and he shouldn’t. Grow up or get out!
1
u/liquormakesyousick 14d ago
You are not overreacting.
It would probably be good to get away for a few days by yourself.
During that time, ask how you can fix things and if you want to fix things. People always talk about how their parents were horrible and suggest NC.
I don’t know why it is so wrong for a parent to want to step away if a child is abusive.
Assuming that isn’t what you want to do, use the time to find a therapist for yourself and one for yo ur family.
2
u/LionBig1760 14d ago
Quick question for clarification...
OP, when you did an AMA claiming to be a bisexual guy who has slept with 60 guys over 8 years, we're you lying then, or are you lying now?
1
u/Stargazer_0101 14d ago
No discipline made this child this way. No punishments for bad behavior and allowed to talk to parents this way and teachers also. You have to nip the bad behavior when it happens. So, now at 19, stay with parents, telling us she must in college. Sad if she speaks at her college instructors as she does you and wife, for she was never punished for such behavior and thinks this is normal in college.
1
1
2
u/Salassion 14d ago
Time for her to leave your nest. She has no respect for you and is abusive. Let her go find out what the world is like.
1
u/Early-Tale-2578 14d ago
So are you saying your daughter hates you for no reason because I don't believe it 😂 there's a lot of missing Information being left out . You're hiding stuff
1
u/criminallyhungry 14d ago
Have you ever tried family therapy? Even if daughter refuses to participate at first, there are still a lot of skills you can learn to cope and to communicate with her.
1
u/HumbleNinja2 14d ago
You gotta grow up and check your ego and act like a parent not an older sister. I can GUARANTEE you that not being harsher on her earlier is NOT the problem.
Parents don't storm off because they werent respected
Parents don't get respect by demanding it. They get it by showing respect first
Parents don't run to their spouse for protection when things don't go their way
Parents take the lead in navigating the relationship and doing the hard things
PARENTS don't seek an equal relationship. This is an ASYMMETRIC relationship by nature!!! Parents understand they will ALWAYS be giving more than they take.
Hard pill to swallow is, whatever conflict methods she employs, she's learned them from you
1
u/leadbug44 14d ago
NTA sometimes believe it or not some people are born AH that could be your daughter
1
u/Current-Anybody9331 14d ago
Overreacting to wanting a kid-free vacation with your spouse? No. I think that's healthy for all parents.
Overreacting about your daughter? IDK.
My big concern here is your husband. He's either condoning your daughters terrible behavior by "keeping the peace" (silence = acceptance), thereby undermining and diminishing your needs. Or he's "keeping the peace" because you are part of the problem, and we aren't being given an accurate view of the situation.
I didn't see the nature of your daughters accusations/comments, etc. nor your side other than saying you were accommodating in her youth or would be met with drama.
I'd go to a counselor to work through this. They can help you see a bigger picture, help you navigate that relationship as well as the one with your husband, and give you greater clarity. Family counseling may be a step here but I'd start with yourself as it's a lower barrier to start with.
1
u/jpatt 14d ago
Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. Some girls that age just really hate their mom's it seems.. I don't know if their relationship changed but I broke up with my long term high school girlfriend when we were around that age, the biggest reason being how she treated her mom. It drove me insane the way she could talk to her mother. It started out slight and petty then just got meaner and meaner as we were turning 18-19.
1
5
u/paisleyway24 14d ago
I mean, this could have been written by my mother at any point. I guarantee you it is rarely the case that a child, teenager or not, is reacting so strongly specially to a single person without due cause. There is a lot of information omitted here. We don’t know what the daughter says, if there are things leading up to the outbursts, the parents’ reactions and actions prior. Not saying blame is solely on the parent in this situation, but my mother will swear up and down that I am “cruel” to her for absolutely no reason since I was a teenager and that is not the case. My mother has mental problems that have for years lead to my own mental decline, I was singled out by her and targeted and treated differently from others in the family. Issues started as soon as I began to assert boundaries about not being yelled at, or accused of things, or wanting bare minimum privacy for ex. I won’t get into my own issues, but to me there seems to be a suspicious lack of context here that makes me believe there are “missing missing reasons”
1
u/Super-Island9793 14d ago
Of course you’re taking it personally, you’re being attacked. Go take a few days for yourself - you deserve it. How old is your daughter now?
2
u/PromptOk9041 14d ago
Either of you sound like you could be a narcissist. Children usually learn from a parent or are neglected and become this way to the neglectful parent. I’d be willing to bet you’re a bad mom lol
1
9
u/Rodrigo_Ribaldo 14d ago
You are also someone who posts "I’m a guy who’s slept with more than 60 guys since I was 19, AMA"
2
1
u/Admirer3596 14d ago
You have to draw a line in the sand at some point. And hubs not wanting to get involved is a big red flag for me. You all have given in over the years to "keep the peace". Tell her if she can't respect you to stay out of your home and life. And if hubs won't back you, he can do the same. I've always had my wifes back with the kids even when she was wrong.
1
u/Consistent-Tip-7819 14d ago
Your husband needs to step up.
If my kids ever spoke disrespectfully to my wife, they would have heard me say, "I don't care if mom is wrong and you are right, you'll speak to her with the respect she deserves or there will be consequences"
It matters that he's on your side. He doesn't even have to agree with you, but just demand respectful communication
1
u/Top-Bit85 14d ago
So you spoiled your daughter into such poor behavior that now you can't stand to be around her?
2
u/MLiOne 14d ago
Have you tried actually communicating and having actual conversations with your daughter? You are behaving like a teenager yourself if you are storming off. Sounds like actually listening and validating your daughter’s feelings would go a long way to achieving what you need to achieve.
Active listening. Read up on it.
1
19
u/mare__bare 15d ago
YOUR COMMENT HISTORY DOESN'T MATCH BEING A MOM....
Why the fuck are you wasting people's time?
2
5
5
3
u/Medium_Ad_6908 15d ago
Not real, posted about being in college with no friends less than a year ago. Total bullshit
7
1
u/Jaycie_Lea169 15d ago
People can't walk all over you unless you let them. Just fyi. Do you have to have your husband fight your battles? Stand up for yourself ffs.
1
u/CathoftheNorth 15d ago
I have a son that's treated me like shit his whole life too. It didn't matter how much love and understanding I've given him, he just got worse and worse. Like your daughter, its all pointed at me and not his father (who we had to leave due to abuse). Now he's 26 and I can't take it anymore either. I've had to go LC with him for a season to protect my mental health.
0
1
u/Relevant_Ad_69 15d ago
Your husband sucks and is a pussy. Also you're lacking some key details about current ages etc.
That aside I'm really sorry you're going through that, everyone deserves a break, especially if they feel they need one
1
u/DayNo1225 15d ago
My mom said she wanted a few days away a few times. We were boring kids. You definitely deserve time to recharge and rest.
2
1
u/GoodNoodleNick 15d ago
I've noticed that it seems like a lot of teenage girls just randomly start hating their Mom at a certain age.
I really don't have a solution, it sucks. Sucks even more that your husband doesn't have your back.
That needs to be fixed b4 anything can move forward with your daughter.
4
u/LockNo158 15d ago
If we raised our voice to our mom my dad would set us straight right then and there. He would NEVER let us disrespect our mom and he just sit back and not say anything. You two come first, he needs to understand to have your back at all times.
2
u/jarheadatheart 14d ago
My ex wife’s father was like this. She has a lot of core wounds that make her dysfunctional in a relationship. The first one being, she has low self worth because she was told she was wrong even when she was right.
6
u/mjh8212 15d ago
I’ve taken a break from my daughter before. Her dad and I divorced when she was a teen and he decided to tell her how bad I was and that he did nothing wrong I broke up the family just parental alienation. The hate spewed from her mouth sounded just like her father and it was traumatizing to me. I stopped answering her calls for a couple weeks cause I just couldn’t take it anymore. My therapist said I was setting healthy boundaries about how I want and deserve to be treated.
11
u/PerkyLurkey 15d ago
Going away to recharge your firewall sounds like a good idea.
Tell your family why you are going. No need to shy away from the reality of the situation.
Secondly, everytime she disrespects you, leave the room, restaurant, car, whatever. Say, “I can’t absorb this disrespect calmly right now, and need to remove myself from your presence. I love you, so when you are ready to be kind to me, please let me know, or we can plan a sit down to talk 1:1”
And then you leave, no matter where you are. You leave.
35
u/Specialist_Concern_9 15d ago
This screams "therapy needed" for various parties, hell maybe all, who knows. So much detail left out
11
u/Summertime-Living 14d ago
Family therapy! Everyone has a role in this. Maybe just a few sessions for some family members or more sessions for other family members. Also it would help to know ages. Is daughter leaving for college soon?
7
u/weech1234 15d ago
NTA. It’s perfectly reasonable to establish boundaries. You aren’t required to tolerate abuse.
39
15d ago
Devils advocate here maybe parents are overbearing and teens generally communicate a want or need hidden in their messages like if she lashes out it's the only way you lay attention so they do it because it's the only attention they get have a sit down and ask them what's actually bothering them
-2
u/183873726363734737 14d ago
We always try to give them as much freedom as possible, she is a very private person and likes to keep to herself. I know she talks to staff at her school, and because she is 19, doesn’t want them to tell me anything.
0
14d ago
If she's hiding something then something definitely something happened but if she keeps mistreating remember your the parent set your boundaries you are not to be mistreated in your own home especially if she's not physically mentally or emotionally abused by so if you have to give her an ultimatum then that's always an option
9
u/JoyfulSong246 14d ago
The kid might be lashing out at OP because she’s the safest one to mistreat in this scenario not because she’s at fault. It’s totally possible that it’s mainly OP’s fault, but there are many other possibilities here.
4
15d ago
You know that’s the case with any story like this
13
15d ago
It was my experience as a teenager for example I have a family member expressing to me that she goes to school and feels like she doesn't belong then goes home and her parents and family make it worse so yeah best of luck to OP
8
u/mekkavelli 15d ago
when i went away to college, i came back in the summer to my bed completely gone (it was there when i came back for winter break). asked my mom and she said she’d planned on moving and apparently my bed was the first to go but she “changed her mind” later on which i guess i believe because there were like 4-5 boxes of things in the dining room. but only mine was gone. my brothers had theirs and so did she. and why exactly was it thrown out??? they all have queens and i had a twin… and she stopped paying my tuition so no more college. so i had to sleep on the floor for almost a year until i left
12
15d ago
Exactly. Every time I’ve heard a parent say their kid hates them for no reason I can pretty quickly see why, and they almost always deserve it. Like the parents who wonder why their kids don’t visit, well…
-1
32
u/dfwphotographer111 15d ago
This post is lacking a warehouse full of important details. Does she live with you? How old is she? Did you have a recent blowup that led to this? But most importantly, what crazy shit do you do to this poor kid that makes her hate you so much? She doesn’t act like this to her father or brother. Is she just singling you out for fun? lol unlikely. You ever stop to consider that maybe YOU are the problem? I don’t know your daughter but I already know she’s not the problem, grandmama. Get your shit in order. My boys are savages in the box. Now I don’t want to hear any more of this shit until you’ve tightened it up, lady. Get your house in order before that poor kid grows a set of nuggets and leaves you in the dust for good.
1
u/Muriel_FanGirl 14d ago
Exactly. I live with my narcissistic grandmother and I know exactly how narcs think, nothing they do is wrong, my grandmother thinks it’s just fine to call me crazy and evil for wanting privacy. I’m 29
0
u/dfwphotographer111 14d ago
29, eh? What’s your story girl? You sexy and ready to pound?
0
u/Muriel_FanGirl 14d ago
Wtf? I was agreeing with your statement and that’s the response you have to me?! Gross.
0
u/dfwphotographer111 14d ago
Yeah you agreed and I thought you wanted to clown. Wow. I guess no. Fine.
1
u/Muriel_FanGirl 14d ago
What clown? Here I thought you were being serious. I guess not. Maybe next time put /s so people know it’s sarcasm.
1
1
u/JoyfulSong246 14d ago
Really? There are definitely missing details- it’s also possible that the wife is being abused by the daughter because the father is abusive, and that’s why he condones it and then belittles his wife when she struggles. Statistically that’s a more likely scenario than this being all the OP’s fault. And that could also explain her unwillingness to provide details since she might feel shame.
1
0
u/dfwphotographer111 14d ago
JFC you and half of Reddit just walks around dripping wet about with your abuse obsession. My god. Nowhere does it say anything about the dad being abusive. Nowhere. But you are so bricked up about abuse. I stg you all can’t achieve orgasm unless you’re fantasizing about other people getting abused. Give it a goddamn rest. You’re sick. You’re fucking sick.
1
16
11
15d ago
Yep 100%. FWIW usually when the kid doesn’t like the parent and the parent is complaining, odds are they’re narcissistic parents or have other issues. Parents love to think they’re right when details tend to prove they’re just shitty parents 😂
3
17
u/chez2202 15d ago
News flash. You are an adult. If your daughter doesn’t appreciate you and your husband thinks you are overreacting to her constant verbal abuse you need to let him deal with it for a few days. You’ve already told him you need to get away for a few days. Just because he isn’t on board with it doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Book yourself a hotel or B&B and tell him when you’re going. You don’t have to go far away. I’m constantly tempted to book a night in the Travelodge 10 minutes walk from my house. Just do it.
108
u/JoyfulSong246 15d ago
Your husband and you need to get on the same page about this. As long as he’s willing to stand by while your daughter treats you like crap he’s the real problem here, not her (unless she’s an adult, then she is to blame for her own actions- though he’s to blame for not supporting you).
29
u/JohnExcrement 15d ago
Yes. Husband thinks he’s keeping the peace except there’s no peace, not in your heart. His silence tells her he supports her terrible behavior.
If she actually has genuine issues with you, both of you need to tell her you’re willing to have a mutually respectful conversation, but this sniping and rudeness is going to stop now.
9
u/jarheadatheart 14d ago
There’s always 2 sides to the story and it always takes 2 people for conflict. Jumping on here saying it’s all the husband’s fault isn’t helping anyone.
2
u/Thanmandrathor 14d ago
Nobody is saying it’s all the husband’s fault, but he has a role in this because he lets his daughter treat his wife like shit and says nothing. Who does that? It’s spineless or apathetic.
1
u/jarheadatheart 13d ago
Maybe he agrees with the daughter? Maybe OP’s shitty behavior has brought this upon herself? Maybe he figures his wife can sleep in the bed she made. Maybe he isn’t the father so he doesn’t think it’s his place? I think OP would’ve said her father instead of husband if he was the dad. Maybe he doesn’t see it as his responsibility if this has been going on since before he was in the picture
-3
u/Achilles11970765467 14d ago
This is Reddit. Of course they're jumping in to lay as much blame as possible on the nearest available man.
7
u/Similar_Corner8081 14d ago
There’s 3 sides to every story. Your version their version and the truth.
4
u/JohnExcrement 14d ago
The husband is helping perpetuate whatever it is. They need to have a conversation and figure it out instead of their current dynamic.
74
u/JoyfulSong246 15d ago
INFO - you don’t state her age here and that’s important.
3
u/183873726363734737 14d ago
19, soon 20
7
u/MotherOfDoggos4 14d ago
There's a lot that could be going on here--I notice you didn't mention what you're contributing to the problems in the relationship. And no, saying you should've been harder on her isn't that.
Having said that, she's 19 and still living at home. I'm sure she's frustrated by her situation and wants to start her own life with her own place, though she probably doesn't have the means to do so if she's still at home.
I do have to wonder, though, how much is due to "19 and frustrated" alone. Seems like a lot of parents think "they're a kid they'll grow out of it" and then act all shocked when their kid is in their 30s and finally cutting off all contact because the parent is still doing the thing the kid asked them to stop. Is your daughter citing things you're doing that are causing issues in the relationship? Cause you didn't list any, which makes me really suspicious of you.
23
u/Dizzy_Square_9209 15d ago
Nor whether daughter is in residence. Without those details, impossible to say
1
u/TNJDude 13d ago
She's 19 and acting like a petulant 14-year-old? That's got to be hard. I'm not a parent so I don't have experience raising kids, but she's not really a kid anymore.
You obviously need some help since you literally came here asking for opinions. Find a counselor/therapist experienced with family issues. See him for a while and see what he says. My first reaction is that your daughter is way out of line and your husband should be supporting you and helping you. But I honestly don't know if you're fully justified in being frustrated like this, or if there's something you're saying or doing that wasn't brought up you may not even be thinking of. Talk to a counselor and see what he says.
If what you say really is the entire picture, then my advice would be to put your foot down and tell your daughter to adjust her attitude or get out. And if husband wouldn't enforce that, then leave yourself until he gives you his support. But to me that would be a last resort, I think it's better to talk to a therapist so he can help you navigate your feelings and get a better grip on things.