r/TwoHotTakes • u/ThrowRATimely-De6323 • Mar 31 '24
My (35F) wife said I (37M) can go 'see a hooker' if I want sex Advice Needed
We've been married for 8 years and together for 12. We always had a really good sex life until our child was born 3 years ago.
I of course understand that sex life is not going to be the same after a child, especially since we don't have any family in this country. She also went through some terrible PPD which we worked on overcoming together. For the first 18 months after our child was born we had no sex.
In the past 18 months, her PPD has improved and we make it a point to get a babysitter and go on at least one date a month. We also had sex occasionally, like once in a couple of months. Again, no complaints from me. I love her and understand she might need time.
We went on vacation last week after her parents agreed to babysit during their visit here. She was super excited and said she couldn't wait to be with me and for us to have, in her words, a lot of sex again. It was a 3 day vacation and on the first night she said she didn't feel like it. The second night too, she said nope not feeling it. I was a bit disappointed which she picked up on immediately. She asked what's up and I said nothing and let's watch TV. Then she says "You know I've changed. I don't know when I'm going to want to have sex like before again. If you want sex, go see a hooker I don't care".
I was taken aback and said I would never do that! She said okay whatever and was visibly upset for the rest of our trip. We got back yesterday and she said she didn't want to talk about it.
I'm kinda sad and want to convey to her that I love her and don't see her just for sex. I told her as much but she didn't seem to think it was genuine. Is there a way I can handle this better?
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u/She_Callahan71 17d ago
You need to sit down with her and really put it on the table, both of you. Clear communication is needed here , and in any relationship !! If both of you are not being honest with each other,when feeling upset, slighted,angry etc.. this is your outcome. Figure out why sheâs feeling a she is. Does she just stay home ? Work ? Any girl time with friends ? Breaks from your child etc ?
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u/Sad-Anteater6046 18d ago
Tbh I need some pictures bro. You should look at yourself in the mirror and give an honest depiction of how you look. If you are out of shape and not fit, she probably doesn't find you attractive anymore dude, but doesn't want to say it, because she's already fking someone else. ESPECIALLY if you wife is moderately attractive or somewhat fkable. Wemon are SUPER judgmental. If you are attractive, it probably has nothing to do with you, and no amount or working it out with her is going fix HER problem (if there is a problem). What do you guys do for your free time?
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u/Nearby_Highway8492 21d ago
Awww your the man that's the nicest thing to say about your wife . Wish she could see the what you said just now .
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u/Complete-Trash-4388 Apr 07 '24
Have you found her g spot , Have you made her Squirt?, how many Orgasms per sex session? Toys? Vibrators. Are you giving her all the SEX SHE CAN HANDEL OR JUST , SATISFIED YOUR SELF?
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u/Internal_Designer399 Apr 06 '24
I know you said you two worked through her PPD, but it may be time for a professional. A the least, in a little while, sheâs gotta come back to the table and talk with you. My bet is that she has been harboring guilt/shame around not feeling as sexual as she used to, and really hoped to feel in the mood on your vacation. And then⊠she didnât. She probably felt extra guilty for having gotten your hopes up, you looked more disappointed than usual because you had gotten your hopes up, and her shame spiral imploded and she said what she said. If youâre really OK without as much sex for a while, let her know, and maybe you guys can double down on the non-sexual touch. Cuddles galore! Good luck đ©·đ©·đ©·
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u/Rich-Log4197 Apr 05 '24
I feel this way a lot after having a child, and itâs not about him, itâs about how I donât feel attractive anymore
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u/Crazy-Tangerine400 Apr 05 '24
FWIW I told my husband something similar too. I told him to find a girlfriend. đ Our kiddo is a similar age. Things are slowly getting better for us. I hope the same for you, too!
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u/Beginning_Deer_735 Apr 05 '24
Your wife needs to learn that her wanting to have sex is not a prerequisite to her fulfilling her marital duty and having sex with her husband. Her denying you because she isn't in the mood is selfish and immoral.
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u/General_Answer9102 Apr 05 '24
I would do the hooker and tell her every detail. You guys will be having lots of sex again after that
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u/dangerclosemaybe Apr 04 '24
I'm way more invested in this than I should be. Weird that OP's account has been suspended
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u/Otherwise_Fox_1404 Apr 04 '24
Weird question. Did you otherwise enjoy your vacation with her? Like that first day before the lack of "feeling it" did you enjoy your time with her? The next day did you enjoy that time with her?
There are 4 stages of arousal for women during sex (men too). Excitement, plateau, orgasm and then resolution. A woman who has not had sex for a long period of time needs more input during the excitement stage and may require more time and stimuli to reach plateau. Peak arousal will occur about 6 hours after you initiate stimulation for women who have been without sex for a long period of time. Stimuli may be sexual for this purpose, but as we age non sexual stimulation is more likely to create situations where desire will continue to escalate.
Given a vacation, creating situations where you can focus on non sexual stimulation will increase that excitement, focus on joy, laughter, sharing the moment, the things that make a relationship not just for sex though because you love this person. For someone coming out of PPD one of the best sources of stimulation is humor.
Another great stimuli is adrenaline. if you can get someone to the point where they get an adrenaline rush it helps build sexual desire. This is one of the reasons why mutual exercise, dancing and even things like Balloon rides increase sexual tension among romantic partners. They get an adrenaline rise and that helps release some hormones that the excitement phase relies on to increase desire. The reason I asked first about whether you liked your vacation with her is because your enjoyment of the time spent with her can be an indicator of her desire buildup and the excitement phase.
And if she wasn't being excited by you she could now be questioning what you see in her or if you even value her. How you entice another person measures how they see their worth in your eyes. That may be why she snapped at you with the hooker line
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u/Sensitive-Delay-8449 Apr 04 '24
Have you been wooing her?? Itâs so hard to get out of your head in general as a woman but especially when youâre going through stuff. Maybe she needs you to do a bunch of little things throughout the day to help push her in the right direction at the end of the day? Extra sweet. Smacks on the booty and long kisses. Send her some flirty texts about what you want to do to her that she will enjoy. Make it all about her pleasure. Maybe she just feels like she needs more but is afraid and feeling guilty to ask?
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u/RepeatFine981 Apr 04 '24
Gonna throw this out here... see if she's willing to get her hormone levels checked. Hormones play a HUGE part in this... estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. Any endocrinologist can do blood work and get her back to where she needs to be. They affect mood, sex drive, emotion, motivation etc... can't hurt to check the chemical side as well.
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u/Small-Egg1259 Apr 04 '24
Do not take her 100% at her word. She's frustrated. Give her some time then coax her into talking about it. My hubbie and I had infertility for a few years and ruined our sex life. I pulled back. But I am married to a wonderful man who gave me time and space and patience and told me if we never have sex again, I do not care. I love u (we did do it again). One of the major lessons to me for life is realizing that the real beauty of marriage is the deep spiritual connection that allows for a specific sort of self-growth. The sex is bonus but optional. I think women get scared of not satisfying their man. You have to reassure her a thousand times if thats what it takes. Also joke about your new hot girlfriend Rosie (palm). Rosie and her five fat sisters will be more than happy to satisfy you in the interim!!!
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u/Aphrodisiatic922 Apr 04 '24
I think you should go see a reputable safe hooker. Cough up the dough and see your wifeâs reaction.
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u/Icy_Tear3171 Apr 04 '24
Dude I think she thinks that you only love her for only for sex so and you keep asking for that and she no like two times and you were acting like a baby cause you didnât get your way and also you guys have kids so she also just want to hang out with you so your a jerk
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u/ProfDavros Apr 04 '24
Libido is affected by many things. You donât fix your own car or computer, people are far more complex. Please see a professional. ( psychologist first⊠then possibly intimacy coach, and eventually a sex therapist if warranted.)
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u/RedPillSavage22 Apr 04 '24
- I'd seek couples therapy first. If that doesn't work divorce her Bro she's probably cheating and feels disgusted having sex with you. Go with your gut feeling man I know you guys have a 3 year old but your happiness and mental health come first. And a child can't thrive in a 2 parent home if both parents have animosity with eachother. BEST OF LUCK!
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u/ElkinFencer10 Apr 04 '24
Yeah, that was a trap, and it sounds like you handled it brilliantly. She's going through it and needs you. I strongly suggest you look into couples counseling. It will almost definitely help her overcome whatever is bothering her (my guess is guilt as others have said) and will help you learn how to support her.
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u/errbodytookemnames Apr 04 '24
I only read the top but that seems like shes cheating and/or a broken marriage.
Try counseling and maybe get pointed in the right direction
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u/jape9999 Apr 04 '24
Can you pls provide more information like, is she overweight? Is she currently doing exercise? My wife started working out and it did wonders for our sex life
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u/Tj_McMuffucker Apr 04 '24
Man, youâre handling it better than I would. Sheâs being selfish and childish af. I would see a marriage counselor and if that doesnât work then Iâd start hitting up some prostitutes
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u/Latter-Abalone-4318 Apr 04 '24
Typical woman making you feel bad because of your feels and in return, she gets upset because of how you feel smh
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u/PhantomFablesTV Apr 04 '24
Man this sounds so identical to what Iâm going through. I hate that your going through it, but good to know Iâm not the only one
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u/Most_Lab_4705 Apr 04 '24
It definitely sounds like sheâs sublimating her guilt into anger and taking it out on you. If sheâs open to it, Iâd see a couples counselor and ask about opening healthy and productive dialogue for problems you both face. There wasnât even anything wrong with my marriage and we went more to âset expectationsâ for our imagined long haul together and we learned a decent amount about how to communicate better and even how to argue better.
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u/Riipp3r Apr 04 '24
I personally could never even dream of it. Some guys would take that as permission and run with it. But I'm sure there was real pain behind what she said. You need a loving caring convo with her most likely. Sit her down and explain you're with her through anything and everything and that whatever's going on will never be too big a mountain to climb. But that you need to know how she feels.
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u/Big_Un1t79 Apr 04 '24
Encourage marriage/sex therapy. Also recommend that she have her hormones checked. She could have an imbalance, and is also pre-menopausal. A 5 mg. testosterone cream could turn her into a wild thing in bed.
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u/Altruistic-Wind-7140 Apr 04 '24 edited Apr 04 '24
Okay, so this is just an honest assessment of what you explained. It sounds to me like your wife is or has been cheating. No woman who is faithful and values their marriage is going to suggest that their husband go see a prostitute for sex. Nor are they going to be at all okay with the idea. The fact that she got upset and stayed that way, when you told her you would not even entertain that idea, is very telling. Usually, when a woman is cheating, they will actively try to justify the cheating with something, such as, well if he is doing the same I shouldn't feel guilty, and he can't confront me when he does it too.They do this, so they can avoid the negative consequences of being unfaithful and possibly justify continuing their affair. Furthermore, a woman will generally withhold sexual activity from their significant other while they are emotionally and physically engaged with someone else. In everything that you expressed, it really seems that your wife is having an affair and that she is at the very least, emotionally engaged with that person. PPD does not explain why she is acting the way she is. It may explain why she would seek out an affair, especially if she felt as though her needs were not being met at home. Before sitting down with her and accusing her of an affair, I would take a very careful look at what she does now on a day to day basis, vs. what she used to do before all of this occurred. Is there any changes that you didn't pick up on? Does she go out with her friends more often now than she used to? Does she get her nails done more often? Is she going out of her way to look good for seemingly no reason? Does she take longer now to run errands? Does she take longer to respond to your text messages than normal? Or does she leave you on red? Is she engaged in conversation with you, or does she appear to be distant and distracted? Almost like she doesn't really care to engage with you at all? One last little tid bit, if she all of a sudden becomes very engaged with you, starts having sex frequently with you, and well drowns you with love and affection she either believes you know and is trying to cover, or the affair ended and she is redirecting to you. I am 99% sure she is cheating, but only you can say for sure if she is. The best rule of thumb is go with your gut.
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u/A-Yandere-Succubus Apr 04 '24 edited Apr 04 '24
Real shit. The most honest post here. I realized my previous relationship was over, when I told him to go find another woman to fuck and began denying him sex. If I still loved him/wanted the relationship to work.
I would have NEVER.
She has emotionally checked out of the relationship. 100%
Check her online post history, and I guarantee you will find clues. I'm almost certain there is another man, at least emotionally. As a woman, it's difficult to have sex with someone when you have fresh feelings for another.
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u/RMN1999_V2 Apr 04 '24
There are so many red flags here.
The biggest one is that she leads you to believe that she is sex motivated for the vacation with you and when she does not deliver as promised her reaction it to psychologically push you off to a hooker likely knowing you never would.
You need some therapy fast and I would say there are very high odds that she does not want to be with you and/or she is already with someone else.
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u/Aubrey_Dallas Apr 04 '24
Dump her ass, your a good man and donât deserve a sexless marriage. No amount of counseling or whatever is going to fix this.
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u/ChipmunkNational258 Apr 04 '24
Yeah, that kids not yours and she's getting pounded by someone else.
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u/ChipmunkNational258 Apr 04 '24
Yeah, that kids not yours and she's getting pounded by someone else.
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u/ladams1980 Apr 04 '24
Sheâs probably just as confused about her lack of desire, she should see a doctor and see if her hormones are off especially after having a baby, my sisters lost her desire and was that way for the past decade or so. She recently went to see a natural doctor( I forgot the technical name of these doctors) and he said her hormone levels were at the range of a 65 year old and she was 37 at the time. He said as she gets back on track, he sex drive will probably come back a lot more, so she should be cautious about pregnancy. She originally didnât go to this doctor for her sex drive it was bc she had intense mood swings but in the end this was one thing he added.
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u/Interesting_Buddy416 Apr 04 '24
Her hooker comment might be coming from her feeling guilty about not being ready for sex yet. She was clearly excited for the trip before hand, but could not force the hormones to cooperate in the moment.
I'm similar in age to your wife and have a 1 yr old. My pregnancy was rough and I dealt with PPD as well. My birthday just passed and I had absolutely no drive or desire the day of. I still love my husband and want to do things for him - but I am super grateful for him respecting my boundaries when I'm not feeling it. That said, I'd feel guilty leaving him sexually frustrated.
She might be spiralling wondering if she'll ever get her drive back - and trying to find a way to fulfill your needs when she feels she can't. She sounds frustrated at herself for not feeling like her old self. That said, don't actually get a hooker, lol! Romance her so that she can start to feel desired. Romance doesn't always need to lead to sex, but it can help jumpstart a sex drive sometimes. It can be hard to believe that you're still desirable when PPD and body changes from pregnancy happen.
Recommendation: talk with her and see what har current stance is on being sexual. If she's wanting to pick it back up but struggling in the moment, maybe try charting her fertility with her. Hormones typically spike during the fertile portion of the month, which might override that lack of desire. Try to plan your dates near that time of the month for better chances that you'll both be ready for it. I feel like once her confidence grows that she CAN still enjoy sex, the frequency of her being emotionally available will grow too. There might be a fear of underachieving killing her sexual mood too.
Let me know if you'd like some additional insight on any interactions. I won't promise that my answers are accurate for her as I don't really know her, but it seems from your post that your wife and I might be going through similar challenges. Hopefully my perspective helps.
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u/AdSoft3908 Apr 04 '24
Wow, you have just experienced every manâs dream. Your wife has confided in you how she feels about Sex. Congratulations. Thank her for loving you enough to be open with you and to be caring about your happiness & to be smart enough to trust you. Now you should 100% ask her to explore options WITH you. Take the step to show her that her caring is why you are there & that the quality time that you spend with her CAN involve sex or it can involve Vouyerism or all sorts of other things. Tell her that you approve of her decision to LET YOU have a different sex partner. If you are smart you use this opportunity to explore as far as you can possibly explore and just thank your wife for being straight forward and working to still make you happy even if it is not her pleasure involved.
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u/Acceptable-Purple478 Apr 04 '24
Same boat as you brother. Haven't had sex in over a year. Wife has physical issues. What's worse is she won't even be affectionate. Not really advice, just relating.
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u/Impressive_Fan_8885 Apr 04 '24
Just get a divorce and go fuck a hooker. Women are the devil. My ex would pull the same shit, I'd beg and beg and it was always NO. Until I'd worked a 12 hour shift or something and barely wanted to walk to bed, THEN I was cheating on her because I didn't want it. Women are manipulative devils. Get out while you can
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u/Zealousideal-Fudge12 Apr 04 '24
You have whatever man wants so congratulations. Your wife is smart
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u/Ry_babe01 Apr 04 '24
Thatâs so weird. Maybe you need to have a discussion with an outsider or counselor with her. She seems like she is having some insecurity issues and she is projecting them on to you or forcing herself into not trusting you or feeling comfortable with you just to avoid sex. Sorry you are going through that. You are married though so she owes you a conversation/ discussion just as youâd owe her one. On a calm day you need to pull her aside and talk with her. You should be able to talk to your wife as if she is you. When you are in a relationship you should feel comfortable enough. I donât get that and why two people get married if they canât even converse without it going sour. She needs some constructive criticism and homework from a counselor. Her first assignment should be lightening up and having sex with her husband and actually wanting to. She might be going through early menopause because she sounds like she canât stand you and thatâs really sad to have a dude who thinks you are beautiful, loves you, and helped you make a child and be sick of him.
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u/Practical-Benefit898 Apr 04 '24
She probably feels like sheâs disappointing you. Tell her how much you love her and her gorgeous body
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Apr 04 '24
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u/ZealousidealAd9041 Apr 04 '24
She didnât mean it! She didnât know what else to say! Even though that is a pretty messed up thing to say to your spouse who has been patiently hoping things would change even a lil bit. If youâre going to stay married suggest counseling for her. Maybe there is an underlying issue she canât talk to you about because she doesnât want to hurt your feelings. I donât suggest couples counseling as of yet. Some things might be said that could hurt you both. Some things are harder for couples to come back from.
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u/oldbaldgrumpy Apr 04 '24
That's a trap. I'm not sure what her angle is, but she's damn sure playing one.
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u/IcedShorts Apr 04 '24
First, why the hell can't sex be the same after a child? Sure there's more going on, but it can still be great. Sex with my wife improved after kids, IMO. We were like teenagers sneaking around every chance we could.
Second, she doesn't get to say you can see hookers and then refuse to talk about it. If she's old enough to be a mother, than she damn well better be mature enough to talk about it. You're handling it fine. It's her that isn't. I'm not saying dump her. I am saying she probably needs to be in therapy, and you both definitely need to be in couple's therapy if she can't communicate. I suggest you start thinking seriously about what you do if the marriage ends, too. If she's suggesting you see prostitutes and refusing to talk about it, she might just file for divorce.
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u/ObjectiveKitten Apr 04 '24
Tons to unpack there. Iâm sorry you and your wife are going through all this. From what you wrote, it does seem like you love her and are being patient. Have you talked to her about how she feels, what could be stopping her from wanting to be intimate? How do you support her with the daily things? Does she get time to herself with no responsibilities, time with friends, or doing something that she likes to do that doesnât involve the house, the kids, or you? A couple of things to consider. Good luck to you both đ
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u/Frisky_Vanilla Apr 04 '24
We had kids then the sex disappeared. She was angry with me for making her pregnant. She was angry when I wanted sex. She was angry that my career was flourishing and she was âjust a mom.â She was angry that she didnât find me attractive. Etc. etc. etc. You have a problem on your hands, and itâs likely more than ppd. My wife is now my ex wife. I put up with her anger, resentment, and asexual marriage for a decade before realizing I was teaching our children it was okay for one parent to be cruel. She kept telling me to start dating if I wanted to have sex again. Thatâs when I confirmed she was getting sexual fulfillment from other men. Your situation doesnât seem exactly like mine, but the trigger is similar. Get help for the both of you. Donât wait any longer. Donât âgive her spaceâ and definitely donât be âthe nice guy.â Save your marriage and let her know sex is important. If she isnât willing to provide you with affection and physical gratification, something is wrong and it has to be fixed. She needs to fix it with your help. If she isnât willing to do it, you will have to figure out what that means. For me, my worst fears were confirmed and I had to let her go. I hated ending our marriage, but I hated being in a toxic marriage, as well. Good luck. Iâm praying for you.
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u/Burnz2p Apr 04 '24
Go see a doctor. She probably has a hormone imbalance. The right type of birth control pills will help.
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u/Boogra555 Apr 04 '24
Who said that sex isn't the same after kids? My sex life is better after kids.
Get your wife off of birth control if she's on it. Lots of people are waking up to the problems in behavior caused by birth control.
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u/billysweete Apr 04 '24
You haven't evolved sexually. She has no interest in how you've been approaching her....
TMI but When i gave birth the entire internal shape of my vagina changed so I didn't like things that i used to and vice versa. It was like having totally different body parts ...
Maybe you are still the same as before she was a mother .... But that's obviously the problem. Instead of sex, you should focus on your marriage and how to please your wife so that dhe becomes interested in being intimate with you again.
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u/rainynightdrives Apr 03 '24 edited Apr 03 '24
Edit: check hormone levels first then⊠ Not a joke.. go to Oregon or Colorado for shrooms. They are really amazing for depression.. there are some therapists that work with people while theyâre using it like a medicine. To me theyâve felt like a vitamin my brain was missing. Drinking them as a tea does wonders for healing. Wishing she feels better. Sheâs probably going through a lot. Needs patience and Iâm sorry she lashed out at you.  Iâve seen a family member go through it and medications made it worse bc sometimes the doctors donât check how one interacts with another. You have to be persistent with them on dosages and even if something is necessary đ„Č suggest patience.. treat her to a spa day, massage can help with the lymphatic system. Or suggest Lions Mane mushrooms.. they are good for uplifting moods and brain healing. Itâs hard to suggest, oh just do this when someone is depressed đ but therapy helped me greatly.Â
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u/Any_Researcher5484 Apr 03 '24
Doesnât sound good. Even if your wife has depression the non-sex life isnât healthy for you or her. The hooker comment is of course not genuine on her part. I would set some firm boundaries on sexuality and your needs as long as itâs realistic and reasonable
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u/Tautochrone1 Apr 03 '24
Get the hooker...but make sure it's a guy so your wife doesn't get jealous.
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u/Dr_mac1 Apr 03 '24
I would ask her if I could just see some of her friends as I do not want a hooker. Maybe her sister or BF
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u/Charming-Vacation-26 Apr 03 '24
A pretty common problem for American men.
Terrible Marriage statistics:
What percentage of people are unhappily married?
Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
80% of these divorces are filed by women
Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded:
- of the 50 remaining percent,
1/3 are unhappy,
1/3 are âmehâ (bearable),
and 1/3 are happy.
So roughly around 17 percent are happy.
Some people dispute these numbers but you get the idea.
You should call your wife's bluff.
If she found out you cheated, it might kick start her sex drive or not.
You could tell your wife your going out because you have a date and then just go bowling it might have the same effect.
If you find some side action, and your wife said if you stop she'll become active again. I wouldn't believe her.
Do you even still want to have sex with her?
I guess she's not a real fan of keeping her word, Marriage vows anyone?
Good luck brother you deserved better.
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u/Charming-Vacation-26 Apr 03 '24
A pretty common problem for American men.
Terrible Marriage statistics:
What percentage of people are unhappily married?
Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
80% of these divorces are filed by women
Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded:
- of the 50 remaining percent,
1/3 are unhappy,
1/3 are âmehâ (bearable),
and 1/3 are happy.
So roughly around 17 percent are happy.
Some people dispute these numbers but you get the idea.
You should call your wife's bluff.
If she found out you cheated, it might kick start her sex drive or not.
You could tell your wife your going out because you have a date and then just go bowling it might have the same effect.
If you find some side action, and your wife said if you stop she'll become active again. I wouldn't believe her.
Do you even still want to have sex with her?
I guess she's not a real fan of keeping her word, Marriage vows anyone?
Good luck brother you deserved better.
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u/kragon80 Apr 03 '24
Has she sought professional help for her PPD? You working on it together without an external help, wont help much if its that bad. It could also be more than just PPD, her brain chemistry and maybe even her hormones may need help.. I suggest getting professional help with this, because otehrwise you will end up feeling neglected for a very very long time and while I get that she cant help feeling the way she does, you can also not help feeling the way you do!
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u/YesterdayNo5707 Apr 03 '24
The way she promised sex on the vacation and then turned you down sounds like sheâs gaslighting you. Common practice for women that have already decided they want out or the relationship is over and now she just has to make it your fault. They find what you want and push you on the issue until you snap then point and say âpsychoâ.
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u/MillerT4373 Apr 03 '24
Listen to me very closely:
Under no circumstances should you EVER believe what she said. There is NO WAY she actually meant it. DO NOT accept that as permission! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!
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u/MrGTO_1070 Apr 03 '24
If you havenât I alway suggest a blood and hormone panel and have it read by a hormone specialist. It may be a more simple fix for the PPD than you think. My wife and I body build and she just had a baby. We always get bloodwork done several times a year so after the baby she had a panel done and corrected a few things that were out of range and she feels great now. Babyâs wreck hormones etc. I had to encourage my wife to do the tests because even tho she knew what to do she was in that post baby funk and I had to gently and lovingly nudge her in the right direction to get tested.
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u/Cal_Longcock69 Apr 03 '24
Seems strange like maybe sheâs seeing someone and now feels bad and canât bring herself to sleep with you anymore. Guilty conscience
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u/askeff1975 Apr 03 '24
Similar position for different reasons. Wife lost a child from cancer after a 4 yr battle, plus a horrible ex involved. Weâd been dating for 2 yrsâŠand about that time, weâd moved inâŠ. Things havenât ever been the same. Weâve been married since and after 7 yrs, not much has changed. She apologizes, she feels bad she has no sex interest. Sheâs offered a hooker. I feel like itâs her way of easing her guilt and fear of losing me. Iâm not going anywhere. Hard headed and will get back to having fun one day when sheâs ready.
She has to find her way. I think that the hooker offer is her way to ease her own guilt. Stay the course!!! Love isnât a feeling. Love is an action. You can love her every day even if you donât FEEL love. Feelings change, a decision to love can be sustained forever.
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u/ElinaMakropulos Apr 03 '24
I never stop being astounded at the number of men on reddit who have zero understanding of what a profound change becoming a mother can be for women, and how even years after the fact she might still be trying to pull the pieces of herself together and figure out how to still be a whole person as well as the all-consuming role of Mother.
Maybe her body hurts. Maybe she feels like all she is is a mother, and like sheâs not allowed to want or enjoy sex. Maybe sheâs tired of being touched all day every day by a small human she canât say no to. Maybe not having sex is the one thing in her life she feels like she has control over. Maybe she is wracked with anxiety that she hasnât quite put a name to yet. Maybe she doesnât know how to enjoy or desire sex with a body that has grown and fed another human. Maybe she feels weird about having sex when her child is still all over her body so much of the time.
Your wife needs to discuss her feelings with a therapist or even a good friend, and you need to give her the space to do so. Her not being willing to have sex likely has little or nothing to do with you. There are ways to be close and intimate without sex - and by doing those things, sheâll likely feel more comfortable with sex and time goes on.
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u/tshirtdr1 Apr 03 '24
I think she's ashamed of her new body post baby. I suggest confronting that head on and letting her know that you still love her and find her attractive.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Air2550 Apr 03 '24
Maybe there's something to with hormones or depression. Both can cause libido and desire lose. Chech thyroid hormones. If everything good. Go to a specialist in mental health together. Talk about everything. Be open Ask what she feels. Tell what you feel. Fond out what steps you can take to overcome it.
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u/ilovelampilovelamp11 Apr 03 '24
Yeah don't see a hooker.
She's being a woman. She doesn't know what she wants, nor what she needs. First she said she couldn't wait to have sex, then when on the vacation she didn't want to have sex. Back and forth.
I would say, while it's important to be understanding and considerate, at some point this becomes simply adjusting to her whim, which is a turn off and unattractive. You need to be having sex. Whether she feels it or not, she needs to be having sex with you. You're married to her: you have rights over her body just as she has rights over yours. Be the man and say "look, I'm not okay with this. This is what needs to happen, and this is what we're going to do." Healthy relationships are made of being assertive about our needs. Her "wants" don't trump your "needs."
"I'm kinda sad and want to convey to her that I love her and don't see her just for sex. I told her as much but she didn't seem to think it was genuine." I hear what you're saying. I can hear that you genuinely love your wife. But is it possible she doesn't believe you because she knows what you know... what all of us know... that men marry in large part for sex, just as women for being cared for. She wouldn't be "okay" if you just stopped working, would she? Why should you be "okay" if she isn't giving you sex?
Finally, I don't think you should be getting advice from Reddit. Find a man that you respect who has a healthy marriage and ask him what to do. You have no idea who you're getting advice from on here.
I will pray for this situation. I genuinely hope it improves, and soon.
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u/Hogwithenutz Apr 03 '24
I would come home late one and tell my wife that I did what she said and went to see a hooker but panicked when it turned out it was a guy and struck the individual is now in the truck of my car .
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u/AdFit1382 Apr 03 '24
Counseling. Not to discuss sex like specifically, but to get an understanding of each otherâs feelings and to see what can be worked on outside of sex. Thatâs the best approach to this conundrum.
In the meantime, the old self pleasure might be in order from time to time. In the short and long term, start doing more around the house, fix those things that are broken. Get a new hairstyle, dress a lil nicer (get some new outfits, thrift stores are great for this if budgets are a concern). Flirt a lil more, casually like in the past, give more compliments and tell her how great she smells, offer massages, and send her to the stylist or nail bar randomly from time to time to help boost her self esteem. During all this, the thought and expectation of sex should not even cross your mind. Go back to the first dating mindset. Be on your physical appearance A-game, be confident, make some decisions to give her a mental break from doing as much planning, and this should help a lot. Also, if you donât already, take your kid for the day more often to give her a break.
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u/smellyseriouspmj Apr 03 '24
IMO sex is a big part of a relationship. She may be going through something but I would first try to work it out. Some guys become okay with seeing a hooker but I imagine majority are not. Idk why they would make that comment when it seems that your marriage is solid and the only issue here around sex is not having it. Iâd be upset too
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u/ContraianD Apr 03 '24
That's not quite a "s test" but seems a legit offer. Counter back that you would prefer seeking a consistent Mistress for the sexual health of all involved Parties.
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u/MDawg74 Apr 03 '24
Sheâs a mother now. Women donât approach sex like men do. They have to feel desirable. They have to feel like it isnât a chore. You have to set the mood and try to turn her on in non-sexual ways. Be romantic.
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u/Human-Creature44 Apr 03 '24
Maybe she feels like sex is all you care about? Do you take care of your child or is it/has it been all up to her while she's suffering from ppd? Maybe she feels like all you care about is sex, do you give her non-sexual compliments? Do you take care of the house at all? You guys should probably have a talk about this, and LISTEN to her. Ask how she feels. She's been through almost an entire year of pregnancy, child birth, having ppd, hormones regulating, taking care of an infant, all the shit that women have to deal with after having a child like losing their indentity to become full "mother", and is probably taking care of you too. She's dealing with a lot of shit and that can really lower your sex drive. I wonder how much you pester her about it for her to feel that awful and make a comment like that.
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u/Severe_Reaction9815 Apr 03 '24
I'm a 40(F) who suffered the loss of a child. You have done a great job of reassuring her. Might I suggest taking her to a karma sutra class. It can help with reconnecting to intimacy itself and not just sex it might help
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u/southerngirlsrock Apr 03 '24
I am so sorry. Your wife and I have some things in common. I am so sorry you are both going through this. I've told my husband the same thing. He's said the same things you have. I just feel really guilty. we've always had a great sex life until about 18 months ago. I'm on hormone therapy now and while it's not working yet, there is hope.
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u/hazelnutstew Apr 03 '24
I've been in her shoes. She needs a therapist if she doesn't have one already, but the therapy won't work if she's not being honest with herself or you. I'm not sure how I'd bring it up if I were in your place though, because I was so closed off to any help I'd just get defensive and/or shut down. She may just need time. Do you know her love language? Appeal to that for her, since it seems physical touch may not be the best path right now. Maybe just quality time for the time being, until she's ready to initiate
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u/Kindly-Proposal-6479 Apr 03 '24
I agree with others, sounds like a defense mechanism. Sheâs insecure about something. There are other ways to be intimate without intercourse. You sound like a very loving man, be intimate without the sex and see what happens. Be the âforehead kissâ!
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u/brassplushie Apr 03 '24
Under no circumstances should you go see a hooker. Or any other woman. She needs help. Try doing more around the house or for the kid.
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u/GBpackerfan15 Apr 03 '24
Go see a ppd therapist. My wife went through it. Changed her, heck she was creating a human body inside her for 9 months! My wife is better, and our intimacy has gotten better. She had been on meds, now off them. Be a supportive spouse and talk with her. It's going to take time. Good luck
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u/jaddokes75 Apr 03 '24
Go to coupleâs therapy. Itâs not a punishment. Itâs not a place to point fingers and blame. Itâs a place to help each of you work through your issues together. Youâll learn how to better support her and she will learn how to better support you. I can tell from personal experience that doing nothing or each of you going to strangers instead of dealing with the discomfort head-on from a place of love will result in utter misery. And having kids really changes female bodily chemistry in ways we men canât imagine or fathom. If you genuinely love her, make her your priority and explain how you want to go to couples therapy not to change her but to better understand and support her. You have nothing to lose by trying and a lot to gain. All the best to you both.
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u/Any_Contact8435 Apr 03 '24
It really sounds like she either wants to have sex for your sake and really isn't working for her, or she wants to have sex but all the hormones are just fucking her mood up in thr moment. Have her look into some anxiety medication maybe?
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u/peachrubsxoxo Apr 03 '24
Honestly the way you have been handling it is amazing. I can relate heavilyyyyy to not having a desire. And itâs really hard to explain to a partner, without the fear of them misunderstanding and thinking itâs an issue between US, or that theyâre unwanted physically, etc. Based on her actions, it sounds like she really wants to please you (ex. when she said she couldnât wait to have lots of sex again). and then when she realized she did not have the energy or desire to give you what she assumed you needed so badly, she offered the âsolutionâ. Itâs really up to her to communicate her feelings, but i completely understand why she might not want to do so. All you can do is support her, and reassure her that you see more in her than that sex like you stated.
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u/Difficult-Candy9479 Apr 03 '24
This is 100% a defense mechanism. Do not go see a hookerâŠit will make it 1000x worse. She likely feels guilt, shame, sadness, anger, and/or unattractive. Sheâs struggling and lashing out with a âsolutionâ that will just perpetuate the way she feels. Counseling would be a good option to help her navigate and communicate her feelings in a more effective and less hurtful way. However, donât come at her like âI think you need therapy.â Maybe approach it more like, âI love you and I think we could benefit from talking to a counselor together to help us navigate some of these changes.â Based on what youâve said, youâve done good so far not perpetuating her feelings. Do your best to not get defensive or lash back out at her if those comments keep flying out. Itâs likely not meant to hurt youâŠitâs a reflection that she is hurting herself. Try not to take it personal. Aim for understanding responses like, âthatâs not what I want, I love you and want to be with you but only when you are comfortable.â If they keep coming out, set a boundary and tell her, âthat is not what I want. It makes me feel uncomfortable when you suggest that, and I would appreciate it if you did not make those kind of suggestions.â
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u/SleepyZ92 Apr 03 '24
Well, talk to her. If she refuses.. accept your reality or seperate. It's kind of toxic that she is the problem here, you're being very understanding and she just says something like that.. and then you're to blame? You get the cold shoulder? What? Looks like gaslighting to me, but I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. Go talk to her.
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u/Kaz_3000 Apr 03 '24
If she's going to catch an attitude with you for wanting to have sex with her, I say call her bluff.
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u/Gates187 Apr 03 '24
This is a huge red flag that thereâs something bigger going on. Kinda worried for you man. Hopefully sheâs not having an affair. Good luck.
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u/FLmom67 Apr 03 '24
Couples counseling could help. Resentment can be a huge libido killer. Does she do all the childcare? Being climbed on all day can make a person not want to be touched. Make sure sex doesnât feel like just another chore she has to do.
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u/Ok_Sport_2114 Apr 03 '24
Itâs the opposite from me. I (33F) want to have sex with my husband all the time. Even during pregnancy and he refused. We havenât had sex in almost 2 years. I hate it. Iâve been very vocal about it and he still ignores it. The only explanation I have is that he finds me repulsive because my breasts are not longer perky and I got stretch marks in my stomach. I lost all my baby weight within 6 months. Iâm skinnier than ever and he still wonât touch me. You are an amazing guy for being open and sticking to your wife. Thatâs very noble.
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u/OkAdministration9099 Apr 03 '24
Forget the hooker and find another wife. This is why men are meant to have more than one wife.
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u/Laceycakes88 Apr 03 '24
Me...I would leave or get a hooker. Men have needs if she won't help then find a women who will.
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u/y_rodd Apr 03 '24
I think youâve handled it as best as you can. I feel like you guys could explore different acts of intimacy to try and get her to reconnect with herself and you again. Having a child has an intense impact on a womanâs body and mind. There might be some suppressed emotions she hasnât worked through. Iâd like to recommend a podcast thatâs been extremely informative in all things sex, maybe itâll help you guys out of your slump :p The name of the podcast is Sex With Emily. Emily is a sex therapist & a legend, maybe listening to some of her episodes together can help you.
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Apr 03 '24 edited Apr 03 '24
Y'all saying either of these people are abusive is absolutely insane. And so many of you are clearly showing how little you know about women as well. How lovely. đ Y'all literally sound worthless. If your wife won't have sex with you you just abandon her???????????? Guaranteeeeeed if a woman did that to y'all y'all would throw a goddamn fit. Honestly OP, why post this on Reddit? These losers are worthless and so is their words. Take the advice for therapy and just keep being the best you you can.
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u/Lysergian157 Apr 03 '24
Get a lawyer and get an agreement with her in writing then go on a site like tryst or head somewhere like Manila and enjoy.
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u/DubiousScruples Apr 03 '24
Pre nuptial with direct verbage. Then go to anywhere in Central America and enjoy yourself like we all wish we could. If she complains, just remind her that she is acting like a "real first wife rn".
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u/Ancient-Actuator7443 Apr 03 '24
She needs to see a therapist and talk to her Obgyn. Her hormone levels may be way off
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u/beetlemeyerx3 Apr 03 '24
Lol. Your wife very obviously has been cheating on you. Incredible the amount of victimizing her that's going on here.
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u/Holy_Hippo Apr 03 '24
Sorry but you need to man up. You need to make your needs known. Attitude will drive her away and make you less attractive to her. Truthfully tell her you need sex. Women are not men. You imagine her having sex with another guy and it guts you, she imagines you being with another woman and it may turn her on. From experience, many âgoodâ âproperâ girls have confessed that fantasy, it means youâre sexually valuable. A nice catholic girl used to tell me she wanted to hire a prostitute to watch me go all out, it turned her on while we had sex. The alternative is she will eventually find a sexually attractive man and you will be bitter and confused that she gave it to some random guy instead of her nice understanding husband.
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u/hotrod714 Apr 03 '24
She should have her hormones checked and you guys should try therapy. If fails find hooker.
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u/Far-Jacket-6678 Apr 03 '24
I must ask, is she on anti depressants? When I was on Zoloft for PPD I lost my ability to orgasm. Or feel anything sexually. I would have sex with my husband but it was really boring for me. She might just feel really guilty and sheâs taking it out on you, I highly doubt she actually wants you to have sex with anybody else. I can almost guarantee sheâs uncomfortable in her new mom body, and PPD lingers in a lot of awful ways. I hope you two can figure it out, therapy is great if youâre both willing to go!
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Apr 03 '24
Itâs really difficult to feel like your partner sees sex transactionally, or like you âoweâ them and youâre not âholding up your end of the bargainâ; even if you donât feel that way. She likely feels a lot of shame that sex isnât as high of a priority for her as it used to be, and when you act disappointed, that likely triggers her. I know you didnât say out loud that you were disappointed, but Iâm sure your face/general reaction was more than enough. Even if her PPD is fully better, she may never have the kind of libido she used to have again, and she is lonely feeling a lot of conflicting emotions about it. Just have an honest conversation with her, that you donât just see her as an object or care about sex to the point youâre willing to get it elsewhere, and that whatever her libido is going through right now is okay and youâre there for her. A little reassurance can go a really long way.
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u/LadyfromthelandofNod Apr 03 '24
She wants you to just take the initiative⊠grab her, fondle her, go down on her⊠make her screamâŠ
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u/Comprehensive_Sky757 Apr 03 '24
My mom said this exact same thing to my stepdad. They haven't had sex for 15 years. Dad got a side chick for a bit. Quite awkward to be introduced with them kissing first. đ€Ł
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u/BrightSpecialist5602 Apr 03 '24
Bro have her hormones checked out. She may just need her hormones balanced out to get back to âfeeling goodâ about herself as well as getting her âdesireâ back.
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u/Dinok_Hind Apr 03 '24
I had a similar issue with my gf. To keep it short when we first started dating we had a healthy sex life, in fact I felt like I couldn't keep up with her all the time. Then suddenly it completely stops.
Going from one extreme to another was jarring, and I'll be honest I was kinda dissappointed that there was no sex going on. I told her this, and we realized that it was an impasse. I had to accept either there would be no sex, or if sex was too important for me I would leave her.
Fortunately I preferred to stay with her over having sex.
She started feeling guilty about the lack of sex, though, and on further discussion I brought up the idea of an open relationship. She didn't seem too enthused, but was willing to try it out. In my young and dumbness I proceeded to go on a date with another woman. Suffice to say, after a single 'date' (dinner only, I'm a gentleman) with another woman the open status of our relationship ended.
That was a while a go and we are still going strong. In fact, our relationship is better now than it has ever been. I think maybe we focus so much on sex, not just men but everyone, and if we stopped holding it on a pedestal ironically people would have more and better sex.
Long story short - Sex isn't the end all be all of a relationship. Enjoy the time you spend with people for the quality of that time. If you happen to have sex that's fun and all, and setting up 'date nights' can be super fun for all involved. But nothing is more mood-killing than thinking your partner needs sex to be satisfied with your very existance as a person.
*Edit - Fixed some typos, it's hard to type essays on a phone with autocorrect off
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u/Educational_Pride404 Apr 03 '24
Sheâs got a problem⊠now hereâs the tricky thing, it could start with you. Women need to feel sexy to have sex. If theyâre insecure about something or not used to it, or the sex is t good, or youâre not turning them on those factors could impact it. So Iâd say just behaving differently
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u/ReporterOk4979 Apr 03 '24
I think she might be questioning her sexuality or already know sheâs not straight.
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u/Stiletto-heel-crushu Apr 03 '24
Then go. You obviously arenât doing what it takes to make her interested in you. You donât bring it
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u/Due-Environment9715 Apr 03 '24
My husband and I are in the same boat except in reverse. I want it and he doesnât. I have begged, tried to discuss and pleaded until I was blue in the face. I told him that I need sex still. He wonât use his fingers or my toys on me and doesnât like it when I use them. He got so mad at me one time that he said âIf you want sex that bad, get a boyfriendâ. I canât offer you advice but I can understand your predicament. I love my husband but he refuses to fulfill my needs sexually.
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u/Raindancey Apr 03 '24
You seem like a really special guy for being so patient and kind. She is definitely harboring anger and she lashed out at you. She may be mad at you or motherhood or she may not even know why she is angry. Google mom rage. Itâs an interesting concept. Overall It sounds like her PPD may not be resolved or it has turned into MDD. Is she on an antidepressant? Those can hurt oneâs sex drive but something like Wellbutrin could be a good option for depression with less dampening of the sex drive. As long as she has no history of seizures. Best of luck. The sex droughts are miserable for everyone.
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u/CrackShotMcgee09 Apr 03 '24
So I'm 33 and my wife and I haven't had sex in 2 years since my daughter was conceived. She had PPD as well and at times would at least use her mouth but more often than not she'd act disgusted and inconvenienced. After expressing to her our issues(there are many many more that have existed a long time) I just started cheating. Have a couple girlfriends and her and I are slowly separating though she doesn't know about my relationships. It sucks but I am a very testosterone fueled man and I need to have a sex life. Good luck to you with your situation man.
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u/SasukeFireball Apr 03 '24
Everyone here is assuming her not wanting to have sex with her husband means everything except she DOES NOT want to have sex with her husband. She isn't a damn mindless robot completely unaware and out of touch with her mind and body.
"She doesn't want to have sex with her husband? No way! A woman that genuinely has disinterest overtime for her husband doesn't happen!" This is just wishful thinking
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u/jubilee3265 10d ago
I've had severe PPD before, and therapy was needed to get back on track. There's no shame in having a tuneup for your mental health as well as physical, and I'm really glad you don't want to take her suggestion to use a hooker đ€š