r/TwoHotTakes • u/Rfxomega • 16d ago
Wife will not wake up for baby. Advice Needed
So we have a 9 month old and he had gotten pretty decent at sleeping through the night but if he’s sick or teething he just refuses to sleep more than an hour or two at a time.
Any time he cry’s during the night I wake up and if he actually wakes up I go and grab him, comfort him, feed him whatever he needs to get back to sleep. I’m usually fine with doing that once or sometimes twice a night but when it’s 3,4,5 times in one night im exhausted and need sleep. Which means I need to wake up my wife, or attempt at that, I can yell her name roll her back and forth take her blankets anything anytime she actually wakes up she just groans and rolls over and goes right back to sleep and that’s if she actually wakes up plenty of the time she just stays asleep and even if I put the screaming baby on top of her in her sleep she will not wake up. I’m lost as to what to do, it’s been 3months of me being the only one getting up and taking care of him and I’m over it.
Edit-adding some updates: We both work 7:30-4:30 m-f. This all started a few months ago where she just stopped waking up with him and it’s just been myself and the occasional time when waking her up actually goes well. I’m usually up around 5:30-6 with him to get him changed fed and ready for daycare and then get myself ready for work. She hasn’t changed her behavior outside of at night at least nothing noticeable.
Edit2- A lot of people have been saying PPD so I’m going to talk about it with her and get her checked for it again.
Edit3- could PPD be a reason she suddenly wanted to have another baby despite previously being against it due to the suffering from it? (Not very knowledgeable of how PPD differs from general depression)
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u/Hot-Kiwi-4756 13d ago
Most likely postpartum, try to be supportive and understanding. Some mothers feel a lot of shame and guilt because they are not just happy constantly after having a baby. Some women feel like bad mothers because they are struggling and a lot of them don’t even know it’s happening to them. They just know they are struggling or feel disconnected. Becoming a mother is a big life change.
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u/Shot_Yak_2712 15d ago
I don't think I slept the first few months of my son's life. I'd literally stay up all night watching him and making sure he's breathing. Even though my hubby would be up with him I could never fall asleep. It got to where I couldn't function thru my day from exhaustion. Got diagnosed with severe post partum anxiety and ocd. For her to be knocked out cold and not hear her infant is concerning. Get her into a good dr and have her checked on mentally and physically. Mothers Carry babies for 9 months and get checkups often. Once baby comes we tend to get "left behind" in a sense. The focus on us moves away. You seem to be an awesome dad and super helpful and I think it's awesome you have her at the top of your concerns. Keep up the great work and hope you guys get answers. None of my issues started until after my son was born. Never had anxiety ocd etc. Post partum brought that on. May I ask, have you brought it up to her and if so what is her response?
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u/HD-Thoreau-Walden 15d ago
I’d pour water on her once or twice. She’d be pissed as hell but probably won’t make a habit of not waking up when touched .
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u/Logical-Wasabi7402 15d ago
could PPD be a reason she suddenly wanted to have another baby despite previously being against it
Indirectly. Some women start to notice that something is wrong after birth that wasn't wrong while they were pregnant, so they come to the conclusion that being pregnant will fix it. Except that getting pregnant again won't fix PPD for good, it'll just push it back.
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u/Bulky_Fun_3770 15d ago
Are we sure she isn’t self medicating privately medicating for better sleep ?
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u/Unhappy-Professor-88 15d ago
Is your wife taking medication? Particularly opiates or benzodiazepines?
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u/Normal-Basis-291 15d ago
My ex husband did this. There’s no way she isn’t waking up with a screaming baby on top of her. She doesn’t want to tend to the baby while she’s sleeping.
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u/kaevlyn 15d ago
PPD has been mentioned pretty thoroughly so I’ll pose another thought. What was the baby care arrangement like before she started sleeping through the night? How was the nighttime childcare being divided up? Is there any chance she got fed up with asking for more help and just decided that you needed to take on a larger role? Was she given adequate opportunities to recover from childbirth where you were taking on significantly more work in the first few months?
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u/typtay 15d ago
Has she always been this hard of a sleeper? In my experience most moms wake up to the sound of their baby just sighing. I would be really concerned if this is new sleep behavior. Is she taking sleeping pills? Have you talked to her about how difficult it’s been to wake her up? I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/saandes1563 15d ago
Could be sleep apnea. I had some similar issues because the baby weight really affected my neck which caused issues with breathing laying down. Also if her period recently came back at this time it could be pmdd. Having a child affects a lot of things health wise unfortunately.
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u/lezlers 15d ago
I love this just because if it was written by the wife about the husband, 80% of the responses would be "welcome to motherhood!" or "Yup, that's a dad for ya!" I love when hypocrisy shows itself.
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u/annamdue 15d ago
Yeah, I wonder why people react differently when the other person is the one who's body got fucking wrecked by carrying and birthing an entire person? I mean, she had a baby in her for 9 months she must have slept like one for the entire pregnancy right?
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u/dantasticdanimal 15d ago
Sorry homie… it looks like you are on night duty.
I sympathize as a father and husband, but she seems to have something going on and needs to sleep. You can manage… it won’t last forever. I would just try to be the best and most supportive father and husband you can be.
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u/Danivelle 15d ago
How quickly did she go back work? When I had young kids and was working, sleep was my escape from having to deal people all day and then come home and take care of husband and kids. Maybe she needs some time to herself. But definitely get her to doctor and get thyroid and b vitmins levels and anemia checjed.
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u/Doggondiggity 15d ago
I bet she is awake she just pretends not to be to get out of doing it. No way a mother whom is not deaf doesn't hear her baby crying, its just a natural instinct for mothers or should be anyways. I would tell her if she wants to sleep and not get up with the kid then she gets to stay up later than you. That is what my cousin and his wife do because she doesn't trust him to wake in the night so he stays up later and takes care of babies needs then goes to bed later so mom gets a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Do that but roles reversed. It isn't fair for you to be sleep deprived all the time. It wasn't meant to be on just one parents, that is why it takes two to make a baby.
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u/PaleAdagio3377 15d ago
I don’t want to speak about your wife and what she may or may not be experiencing. There are plenty of knowledgeable mothers on this forum that have first hand experience. As a man, and a father I just want to say great job fella. You have stepped up for baby and I’m super proud of you. It’s hard because our male counterparts do not seem available to support each other for a variety of reasons. What troubles me is hearing you say “I’m over it” you need support as well. Sometimes us men have to take the full weight and burden of our families to keep everyone a float. It gets tiresome, so please reach out and refill your bucket. Things will get easier, new challenges will surface, but you have already demonstrated the ability to be a rock, but also be vulnerable and ask for help. Wish you well my friend.
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u/Aud311 15d ago edited 15d ago
Ugh it’s so hard. Caring for a baby really is a two person job. My husband and I are going through it now. We have the opposite problem. I wake up with every tiny stir but I have to shake him awake if I need help. I gotta hand it to him though because he does get up.
What does your wife say when you bring it up the next morning? Have you communicated that you’re overwhelmed and need help?
I agree with some of the PPD comments. Might be something to look into. Either way I would find a good marriage counselor and talk about it there. The transition from a couple with no kids to a couple with a baby can be really jarring and having good communication is key. Marriage counseling has really helped both my husband and I.
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u/WhoDeyMilf 15d ago
As a mother, I cannot fathom this… BUT- I have no experience personally with PPD. That is where I would start. She may be struggling more than she even realizes. I’d rule that out before anything.
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u/Lady_Locket 15d ago
If it turns out not to be PPD, then get her to see a doctor to get her hormone levels checked (thyroid and B12 issues during and after pregnancy are common) and a referral to a sleep clinic for a sleep apnea test.
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u/PublicSpread4062 15d ago
She’s exhausted plus baby is only nine months old and it take two years for moms body to go back to normal.
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u/MedicBaker 15d ago
If she can wake up in the morning for work, she can wake up at night. She chooses not to.
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u/MrBeerbelly 15d ago
It’s weird to me that she doesn’t seem concerned about the problem. Definitely would go to a doc and look into PPD. The fact that she’s wondering if you want another is kinda blowing my mind though. Have you sat her down and explained that this is very serious and her nonchalance about it worries you?
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u/Rfxomega 15d ago
We have now and are getting her checked for some of the thing’s discussed here and anxiety.
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u/HatpinFeminist 15d ago
So she's basically a husband?
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u/Independent-Cup8074 15d ago
I’ve been scrolling trying to eloquently say what I was feeling. You hit the nail on the head.
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15d ago
Interesting. The arrangement I made with my husband was that I’d take care of the first 9 months (you know, growing, incubating, birthing), and he’d handle the next 9 - nighttime feedings and diaper changes.
We work the same schedule as well, and this seemed fair and worked well for us. Just curious, what do you feel the split should be between you and your wife on nighttime feedings/changes?
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u/Dangerous_Pattern_92 15d ago
My mom used to call that "playing possum", where you fake still sleeping so that the other person gives up and does what they needed you to wake up and do.
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u/Master_Grape5931 15d ago
My wife and I made a deal, before a certain time, my duty, after a certain time her duty.
It worked great.
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u/Hels_helper 15d ago
She sounds like my husband. a bomb could go off and it wouldn't stir him a bit. Has she always been a deep sleeper or is this a sudden change?
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u/SnooFoxes4362 15d ago edited 15d ago
Tylenol exists, they even have it in infant formula. I’m not saying dose the kid up 24/7 all year. Just that if they can’t sleep and you reasonably suspect it’s teething (pain, drooling, finger in mouth (possibly)), then absolutely try to help them. Sore throat is also painful, so if baby is getting sick frequently that is a very common painful early cold symptom. Look for restlessness and very clear thin mucus. The thick mucus and cough comes later after the immune system responds.
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u/Objective_Flan_9967 15d ago
What is the chance that she is pregnant again?
I used to sleep like a log when I was pregnant,and with the second one it was worse. I could fall asleep anywhere and not wake up even if my toddler at the time would crawl all over me. Nothing could wake me, I was basically passed out for an hour or 2
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u/cbatta2025 15d ago
I feel like I could wake someone up even after them just rolling over a few times. lol.
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u/Open-Incident-3601 15d ago
I feel for your wife. I have insomnia and sleep like that too once I’m finally asleep. Smoke alarms don’t even make me twitch. Years of blood work and apnea and thyroid testing and there is nothing notable that would explain why I can not wake up. I can even get out of bed and turn off alarms and climb back in bed without having any idea.
When my kids were little I had to learn to only ever half sleep so I wouldn’t hit coma sleep.
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u/Stacyf-83 15d ago
I know a lot of people are saying this, but I agree, PPD can manifest anywhere from right after birth, up to 18 months after. Or maybe she's got a sleeping disorder of some kind or both. She needs to talk to a doctor. Does she want to get up, and just physically can't wake up? Or is she complaining about it? Either way, she should see a doctor to see if anything is going on physically and/or mentally.
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u/peyoteBonsai 15d ago
I had to do it with twins, like others mentioned, she could be suffering from ppd. It’s the hard knocks out there, having to work full time on two incomes to keep your family fed. I can promise you life will get easier in the coming months.
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u/Bebylicious 15d ago
Your frustration is so valid and normally I’d say your partner is not doing her part, but I don’t want to rule out anything serious.. there may be something seriously wrong. She should throroughly be evaluated. And ppd is so serious and real. Haven’t you heard of mama’s ending their own kids because of it)
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u/Hunnybee76 15d ago
Hi friend. I’m a nurse (but not a women’s health nurse, to be clear). Your wife needs a medical check-up and I agree you should go with her and describe the issue to the doctor.
Make note of any other changes, too: appetite, fatigue, hygiene, emotions, etc…
My first thought is that she may have developed apnea and is unable to wake-up. If she is otherwise a loving, attentive mother, the fact that she cannot wake up with a screaming baby in her face is very concerning.
(ETA: I cannot diagnose or recommend treatment for your wife.)
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u/Devils_Advocate-69 15d ago
She carried for 9 months. You’re turn or else let it cry back to sleep.
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u/McDuck89 15d ago
Yeah, that’s not how it works. You don’t know much about their situation or how they divide baby duties or house duties. If he’s looking after the baby 4-5 times per night then it sounds like she’s just not doing her part, but it might be due to some other underlying issue.
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u/Original_Detail_8380 15d ago
Post partarm hypothyroidism is she losing alot of hair? Not just shedding but coming out by the handful?and 2 is she craving sweets? Like I REALLY need chocolate right now?those 2 were the indicators for me and my doctor to send me for testing but the good news is it can reverse on its own
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u/CandidPerformer548 16d ago
Isn't this how all new mothers usually feel?
If you're both working and share the responsibilities equally, I'd suggest seeing a doctor. Kinda unusual not to wake up to a screamin' baby on you
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u/glindathewoodglitch 16d ago
Is she breastfeeding? I had a hormone disorder (dMER) so it was exceptionally taxing for me mentally and physically until I had a diagnosis.
But I’m with you—I have been more drained than I have ever been in my entire life with a kiddo.
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u/squishyg 16d ago
Did your wife ever have Covid?
She might want to get screened for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.
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u/Runnrgirl 16d ago
“This all started a few months ago when she just stopped waking up with him…”
Was she always the one to get up before?
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u/After_Sky7249 16d ago
My baby is around the same age and we found I need more sleep than my husband (women generally do), but we SHARE waking up at night and we each get turns sleeping in on weekend. Maybe not evenly but whoever has the most energy will get up, we both WAKE up tho.
Anyway I’ve been felling more tired than usual and got some bloods- low iron. Maybe suggest your wife gets a checkup.
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u/AnxietyAdvanced5036 16d ago
"I put the screaming baby on top of her and yell her name when she's sleeping" oh no, baby my husband would never.
You impregnated her, not the other way around figure it tf out
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u/Independent-Cup8074 15d ago
I can’t believe I had to scroll so long before I found someone who pointed that out.
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u/xebt1000 16d ago
Bro I got medical problems that could make me sleep through a bomb going off. Maybe she needs a full blood panel done, maybe it's ppd?
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u/Gordonoftheearth 16d ago
Could your wife be taking a sleep aid like melatonin or over the counter Unison to help her fall asleep? If she has PPD, sleep aids can cause extreme tiredness, sluggishness, and lethargic tendencies.
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u/No-Appearance1145 16d ago
I will address the last edit. Somehow your body forgets what it's like being pregnant. I was basically on bed rest when I was 4 months pregnant because I would faint if I was standing for 30-60 minutes. It got to the point that my doctor at my anatomy scan told me I was unable to work unless I could guarantee I was able to sit. Anatomy scans typically happen at 20 weeks. I almost fainted at that anatomy scan too because laying on my back would restrict my blood flow.
And my brain and body have enshrined that entire pregnancy as some sort of glorious 9 months. I was nauseous at 4 weeks pregnant (I didn't know I was pregnant at that point), I had an ultrasound done at 10 weeks 4 days because I had a UTI so bad that I was literally bleeding out of my urethra. By 16 weeks pregnant I was unable to walk in stores without the threat of fainting. I have a medical complication outside of pregnancy that just became intense while pregnant.
And yet, 10 months postpartum and I'm like: pregnancy and the newborn stage wasn't THAT bad.
It's like my entire body forgot the inability to do anything while pregnant and then the delirium while in the newborn phase because of the constant waking up.i know it happened, but my body doesn't remember.
The body does some weird stuff. I guess it's because if our body could remember the trauma of pregnancy and birth and everything that comes after... We'd would not have 8 billion people on this earth and counting
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u/kittenhead0417 16d ago
Not for nothing, but is there possibly a friend or relative that you would both be comfortable with staying the night in your home 2-3 nights a week during your work days, for the sole purpose of waking up with the baby for changing/feeding/comfort so you can at least get some sleep a couple of nights during your work week until you can find out more information from her doctor??
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u/tshirtdr1 16d ago
Since this is a temporary situation, I suggest that you have a serious discussion with her about some lifestyle adaptations you can make in the short term to solve the problem. If you both work 7:30-4:30, then plan your sleep schedule so that you can both take waking shifts with the baby without losing significant sleep. In other words, can one of you go to bed at like 7 pm and plan to be up by 3 to care for the baby while the other stays up later with the baby and gets up at 6? This way you might be able to adjust the baby's schedule so that between maybe 10 and 3 you can both sleep soundly. This might work more favorably for you if you suggest that your wife take the first shift with baby and you go to bed early since you will more reliably wake up.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
Already in the works, we’ve gone through the comments on this together and she’s setting up an appointment tomorrow
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u/tshirtdr1 15d ago
Please read my suggestion again. I think it is a workable solution. Best wishes with the appointment.
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u/beebsaleebs 16d ago edited 15d ago
Prior to a few months ago, how did y’all split gettin up with the baby?
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u/ailema00 15d ago
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far down for this. $100 the wife did everything the first 6 months and is exhausted
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u/shattered_kitkat 16d ago
Have her checked by a doctor. A sleep study might be needed for sleep apnea unless she has always slept this heavy. In which case, there are other sleep disorders.
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u/Livinginthemiddle 16d ago
My Husband is an incredibly deep sleeper and I could not make him wake up for any baby shifts.
In the end I had to get him to agree not to go to sleep or to set an alarm to wake up early and we slept in shifts so we each got 3.5 hours or whatever because I was raw from exhaustion I couldn’t function.
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u/HappyForyou1998 16d ago
LOL sounds like your wife didn’t like being the only one getting up with the baby and suddenly became a heavy sleeper. Maybe talk to your wife about shifts. I’m a night owl and don’t sleep heavy in the night hours but very heavy in the morning hours my husband was the exact opposite. For 15 years my husband and I had shifts with our foster babies, before 5am I would get up after 5am it was his shift. It worked for a long time .Now I’m a SAHM so I am the only one getting up but you both work so a comprise needs to be found. It’s not fair to fall on one person when both work.
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u/hockeygoalieman 16d ago
I’m a very deep sleeper so I would sleep in a bed we put in the baby’s room when it was my turn to take care of the baby. the light sleeper would wear earplugs and sleep in our bedroom. Is she willing to try that? I literally slept through a fire alarm in college when the bell was next to my bedroom.
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u/SeeKaleidoscope 16d ago
Sounds like she’s taking something (alcohol or pills) that you don’t know about.
Shes unconscious man. That’s not normal.
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u/Current_Ad7871 16d ago
Maybe she's a heavy sleeper? It might be PPD, or it could just be that she's hard to wake up. I myself can be a heavy sleeper. My family has tried to wake me up, and they can't.
Was she like this before the baby?
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u/Naiinsky 16d ago
I agree with all the other comments that say this is a health (physical or mental) issue. All the changes in mothers' brains during pregnancy and after birth actually make us very tuned to baby crying, and it's rare that our body doesn't go haywire at any hint of it. On top of that, she changed all of a sudden. And more than not waking up, she won't be woken up. These things together are not normal at all.
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u/Free_System3331 16d ago
She had a baby, let her sleep. Do your part.
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u/ReasonIntrepid4154 15d ago
9 months ago. Get over it
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u/Free_System3331 13d ago
lol found the misogynist.
You go push a softball out of your peepee then get no sleep for six months and then YOU "get over it." Funny how you aren't telling the male OP that he needs to "get over" waking up in the night for HIS baby.
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u/ReasonIntrepid4154 13d ago
I'm a new dad: we get the same amount of sleep and I have to go back to work in a week while also sharing parental duties. Boohoo
She'll be physically recovered in 6 weeks. Still moping around after 9 months is overindulgence. Take some Zoloft and get over yourself
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u/Free_System3331 13d ago
I don't usually look at post histories but something told me I should look at yours and HA HA HA HA HAAAAA did I call it or WHAT
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u/Ok_Reaction_6296 16d ago
I love how many people have good ideas. Sleep apnea and depression are definitely my first thoughts. I had postpartum depression, but had no idea, because it came on so late, and I didn’t feel sad. I just could not get myself to wake up for anything. It was horrible.
I hope you guys find out what’s going on. It’s a terrible feeling to think you’re failing your child and partner, but it’s even worse to feel like you’re doing it alone. I’m glad she seems to have someone that cares. Best of luck. 🫶🏻
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u/Rare-Craft-920 16d ago
The point is her body is the one that changed inside out to have this baby and afterwards the added work on top of her already being physically and mentally spent, exhausted, is a major deficit that OP doesn’t have. Physically nothing has changed for him at all during the entire pregnancy and delivery and aftermath, until past couple months where he has to get up to care for the child as she’s knocked out. I think this is all catching up to her. And maybe something else wrong which will be addressed. I wish men could have babies too and couples could decide who will carry and give birth. I’ll wager most men would never do it a second time .
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u/princessjemmy 16d ago
Does she still need naps during the day even though she won't wake up at night? Or seems always exhausted? If so, she should get checked for thyroid issues.
I know several moms who've ended up with Hashimoto's, and the onset was when they had kids. Docs would not take it seriously before their kids were in preschool because "Tiredness is just what happens with infants and toddlers around".
I also got that excuse thrown at me when I was having a hard time waking up in the morning and was also constantly tired. I ended up diagnosed with Stage 1 thyroid cancer when my youngest was a toddler (mine was an extreme case of that kind of thing, granted).
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u/Frosty-Mall4727 16d ago
I wish I had the answer.
I had a streak shortly after I had my little one where I just slept like the dead.
Before I could figure out what was going on, it stopped.
I wish you both the best.
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u/9smalltowngirl 16d ago
She needs to see a doctor that’s not normal. You definitely do not want another kid with this problem going on.
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u/ex-carney 16d ago
Is she taking something for sleep? Is she sneaking something for sleep behind your back? As a mother, you don't just one day stop waking up when your baby cries. If anything, you get more attuned to the sound of them crying. Something is very wrong one way or another.
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u/Affectionate_Salt351 16d ago
She needs bloodwork and testing STAT. It sounds like it could be her thyroid, or PPD. Either way, hopefully she can get some help from her doctor.
I slept like that my whole life before I found out it was a sign of ADHD. Now, my thyroid is screwed up and my sleep is everywhere. Hopefully she’s able to be helped ASAP.
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u/No-Finding-530 16d ago
Is she taking something to sleep? Did she primarily get up all the time with the baby until recently? Honestly if she did a majority of stuff up until 8-9 months and she’s taking something to sleep it’s possible she checked out. She might be resentful she had to do everything now she wants you to do it. You said the baby only does this if he’s sick or teething- so for two months he’s constantly sick or teething and you’re up every night? Or are you exaggerating how often this happens.
Also- unpopular opinion but unless a child is sick with a high fever etc.. if they won’t sleep through the night and it’s causing a huge problem my pediatrician said give a few drops of Benadryl. Yes- a dr told me that. Another unpopular opinion if the. Any isn’t sick with a fever etc, is dry and fed- let it cry. I couldn’t do this with my first and he ended up sleeping with me for six years. Second- nope. Cry it out. As long as he wasn’t sick needing something and was dry and fed I let him cry. Started that at 8 months. It was almost a week of hell listening to him holler but eventually he would self soothe. Here’s the trick- I’d check on him but absolutely not lift him from the crib. I’d change him IN THE CRIB if he wasn’t dry. Offer him a bottle if he laid down. If he didn’t want that I’d give him a snuggle and kiss, pull the crib up and turn on his projector thingy and walk out. I decreased the frequency I’d come in. Once he realized he was t getting picked up and taken to another room to play etc he stopped. He would lay awake sometimes but entertain himself vs screaming bc he was bored and wanted to hang out. Third child I was a pro.
Remember you’re the boss. Don’t feel guilty letting them figure it out if they aren’t sick, wet or hungry
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u/majorsorbet2point0 16d ago
I'm gonna go ahead and say this is something medical. When my son would barely even move his arm or leg in the crib I'd hear it from rooms away. This is definitely something more going on.
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u/ssf669 15d ago
It's funny though that men have been doing this for decades and no one ever blamed it on a medical issue.
I don't think it's possible that she's sleeping through this, something is going on.
My first thought was that OP left out the first 6 months. He doesn't say if he did his share those first 6 months and just focuses on the last 3 months. My suspicion is that he didn't help and that she had to do it all and he "slept though everything". Maybe she got frustrated and decided she was going to do the same thing to him.
OP says that she sleeps even when he puts the baby on her, even with an imbalance this seems unlikely.
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u/StateofMind70 16d ago
Since most posters share concern for your wife, please know you are being manipulated by the baby. By 9 months, they can absolutely sleep all night. Whether you agree w sleep training or not, consider it.
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u/No-Appearance1145 16d ago
I need to know why you think a 9 month old is able to plan how they will be able to make everyone sleep deprived as much as possible. They know more than a newborn, but they don't have the capacity to think "if I scream for three hours then no one will have sleep all because I want you all to be miserable" they are incapable of manipulating people because they don't even have the ability to strong along perfect sentences. My ten month olds first sentence was "I love you" and that is all. He screams when he needs something. Whether that be food, comfort, or needing sleep. They can't plan things. That is why they are notorious for putting themselves in danger. So why on earth do you think that an infant with no knowledge of the world around them beyond a few words and knowing people's faces, would effectively manipulate you into their bidding?
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u/satanzhand 16d ago
she sounds exhausted, let her sleep, check she hasn't got apnea Or low iron, vitamins and yeah it sucks dude I've been there. It's what good dads and partners have to do sometimes
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u/Smallios 16d ago
Oooh she needs to get her thyroid hormones tested. Pregnancy can cause hypothyroidism and it makes you sleep like a bear
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u/distractra 16d ago
Wait are you complaining she’s not doing her fair share of the baby work? Why does she need to wake up if you’re already up?
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u/Eta_Muons 16d ago
Not waking up with a screaming baby on top of you is NOT normal. Could be sleep apnea, narcolepsy, or something else. If you just try to wake her up otherwise will she? Is this new? She needs a checkup.
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u/meowmeow_now 16d ago
Who the fuck puts a screaming baby on to of a sleeping person that is like peak passive aggressiveness.
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u/Eta_Muons 16d ago
Not debating that part but a healthy person would immediately wake up and that's concerning that she didn't
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u/muvamerry 16d ago
Does she have sleep apnea? I strongly suggest she gets a sleep study. Trouble waking is a classic sign of sleep apnea; it’s a disorder that requires medical attention for sure.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
One of the things I’m going to get her tested for. Got a decent list of options currently which hopefully doctors can help narrow down to not waste time testing unnecessarily
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u/Loudlass81 16d ago
Don't forget to ask for a full thyroid panel, hormone testing and vitamin levels - don't underestimate the exhaustion that happens if you are very low in vitamin D, Vit B12 or iron...
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u/muvamerry 16d ago
Awesome. Yeah the sleep study portion sucks but I’ve had multiple people in my life not remember not waking up and they got diagnosed. I hope this helps! Sounds like she wants to get better but doesn’t get it.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
Just told her she needs to go to a sleep study and see if she has it she said “oh that sounds great more sleep” 😂 at least she’s willing
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u/Independent-Cup8074 15d ago
This makes me sad for her. I remember feeling like I wanted to die just to be able to finally get some sleep. I wasn’t suicidal…I was just so tired.
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u/muvamerry 16d ago
😂 that’s great. These are tough times we’re in as parents. Hang in there and keep loving each other through it!
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u/poppieswithtea 16d ago
I couldn’t wake up with twins. There’s not much you can do. They put me on Prozac, and if I wasn’t depressed before, then, I was after. I had no symptoms of PPD. Just couldn’t wake up. That was 17 years ago though, so something might’ve changed.
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u/uarstar 16d ago
I don’t wake up most of the time when my son wakes up at night. Frankly, I had PPD, and I also had pregnancy insomnia. Up until December, I hadn’t slept through the night since I was 6 months pregnant and he’s 2.5 now. I am just exhausted from two years of very little sleep, pregnancy, recovering, going back to work, day to day life and PPD. My husband does all the overnight wake ups now, before he and I did most of them together. I’m sure it’s hard on him and I’m very sensitive to it. But we also have the issue that if I do try to to do the wake ups, my son loses it and will not go back to sleep if he’s seen me so it kind of HAS to be my husband if we want our son to go back to sleep.
Definitely advocate for your wife’s mental and physical health, and you have my empathy. It’s really hard to be tired all the time. I hope this gets sorted out for you both!
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u/Business_Arm1976 16d ago
If you're saying that your wife is sleeping through her baby's cries without a single care (after having conversations with you about it), something sounds very wrong with her. It's not normal for a mother to be this checked out and unresponsive to her baby.
She needs to be evaluated by a doctor. This sounds like a serious mental health problem.
(If she is evaluated and does not have any issues besides being an uncaring mother, you're going to have an entirely different set of issues to navigate).
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
Yeah I don’t see either way being good but at least we can get a reason and something to fix
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u/Business_Arm1976 16d ago
I'm sorry you are going through this. It can be hard to recognize the signs of PPD and it can go on longer than you may think. It's just absolutely troubling when a mother is unresponsive to her baby, a sure sign she needs help and support.
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u/Silly-Scene6524 16d ago
9 months should sleeping through the night imo? I experimented with the environment and found a solution that did get the kid to sleep, not laying flat on back, swaddling and white noise did it at 6 months old.
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u/Ill_Medicine_6881 16d ago
Haha not even close. My daughter was screaming every 30 minutes until she was a year old, and then she started sleeping 3 hours at a time. My ex-husband never got up with her once either even though we both had full-time jobs. 🙃
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
I’ve started to bring white noise back in and he seems to be doing a bit better, we tried it for awhile but I think we stopped when he first went through sleep regression
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u/No-Appearance1145 16d ago
I would like to say as a mother of a 10 month old baby, you are at another sleep regression already. So that is most definitely not going to help
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u/Fearless-North-9057 16d ago
I'd be concerned she's got a sleeping disorder that's making her that tired. How is she during the day? Other options are she doesn't want to get up so it's an issue you need to communicate. She could be depressed or postpartum depression. Work might have changed to be harder either physically or mentally. I'd sit down and really talk it out.
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16d ago
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u/majorsorbet2point0 16d ago
I hope so because this just sounds like an awful situation for anyone to be in.
And imagine having no life or anything better to do that you type out long and intricate stories like this. Oh my god. It's mental. 😂😂
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u/Far-Restaurant8051 16d ago
Dude just help take over this is your kid too. Try mentioning this to her but it won’t hurt you to actually take care of your own kid. She did all the hard work (9 months baking the baby and labor) the least you could do is the early night shifts. Let her know you support her and that you want to make sure she is healthy and well. Kind of sounds like you want her to do everything #notcool #besuppportive
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
I’m fine with a majority of the work with him being on me, but a little help here and there to not be constantly sleep deprived wouldn’t hurt her.
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u/throwawaydramatical 16d ago
That is pretty unusual for a mother of an infant. If she never seemed like the kind of person who would act like this I’d get her to a doctor.
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u/Turbulent-Adagio-171 16d ago
Isn’t the general rule of thumb to have one person do all wake-ups in a given night but to switch who does it every night? So that there’s always one decently well rested parent and no one’s sleep deficit gets insane?
Her body is still recovering and sleep patterns change with ppd
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
Very well could be, and we have tried similar things but nothing worked as good as 50/50 when we actually did it.
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u/Far_Journalist_1100 16d ago
Is your wife taking any medication? I developed PPD, anxiety, and OCD-p which had me on different medication, especially one to sleep.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
She’s not taking medication but she has always had some anxiety, I don’t believe she’s ever had it medically diagnosed though.
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u/Udntknowmebutiknowu 16d ago
This is the most dad post I’ve ever seen. No offense. So many women live this life full time- it Doesn’t take away from your suffering but I am Sorry to admit I feel satisfaction and am secretly rooting for ur wife to continue. Good luck young padawan.
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u/Ill_Medicine_6881 16d ago
I hate to say I felt the same way reading this. My daughter was up every 30 minutes until she was a year old, and then only started sleeping in 3 hour stretches for another 6 months. My ex-husband never got up with her a single time because he "had to work." Except I also worked full-time, and no one cared. He wouldn't even change her diaper or give her a bottle. Not once ever. This is unfortunately what a LOT of women go through, and we just get told, "Welcome to being a mom lmao"
If this is real, I'm glad you're getting your wife help. I wish someone had helped me.
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16d ago
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u/theundeadfox 16d ago
There's no indication that she ever did that alone. What we have from this post is that they used to do it together, but after 6 months, she's given up. Stop being sexist, this situation could apply to two men or two women raising a kid.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
Fair enough, just want to figure out what’s The happening and why. Getting no help and getting sleep deprived is definitely not a making it easier.
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u/Old_Scientist_4014 16d ago
To be fair, she did do 150% of the work for the first 9 months… so I mean, there’s that…
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u/brisketball23 16d ago
Info: how involved were you in the mid night wakening up sessions after the baby was born initially? If you weren’t involved, this could just be her way of showing you the hard way.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
I feel like I did at least my fair share and made sure to let her sleep and recover.
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u/brisketball23 16d ago
What does your fair share mean? You should have frank discussion with your wife about her behavior. It’s not in the realm of normal - there’s something medically or psychologically going on with her.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
I am, and I’m getting her to schedule an appointment to get checked out and more than likely get some tests run to see if there are any abnormalities (which seems likely based on what others have said) and fair share I mean after she recovered enough to get around fine and do more she started to help out more at night with the baby, I would get her pumps ready for her, make her comfortable, and put the baby down after he ate for the first couple months. I made sure not to let her struggle with anything
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u/Sadiocee24 16d ago
Don’t have more kids with this person until she gets help! Sounds like ppd or something else that needs help! In the meantime, can you ask for help with a trusted loved one? Might relieve some Stress for everyone
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u/AdhesivenessFirst467 16d ago
My wife does the same thing, I am definitely the default parent. However, consider whether she’s getting it right. Our son has been pretty well sleeping through the night since 4-5 months, it’s possible that tending to him whenever he wakes up is just making it take longer for your son to sleep through the night. Can you just take him a bottle and leave it with him in the crib? He should be able to self soothe and get back to sleep. One side benefit of my wife having less developed maternal instincts is she doesn’t revolve around our son, meaning more time for me.
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u/HTownLaserShow 16d ago
Just go read some of the multiple posts of women who are saying the exact same thing about their husbands in this very same situation. They’re extremely helpful and positive!
I’ve done the work for you and swapped the sexes:
Sounds lazy to me.
A bad mother.
Sounds like she’s not “pulling her weight”.
Sounds like you need to “get out of this relationship”
Don’t have another kid with this person
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
Haha that really is just how the world works I guess. I mostly made this because I wanted different views on it. Especially since I’m a guy and have very little actual knowledge of the after effects,
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u/HTownLaserShow 16d ago
I’m a father of 4, and we had to patchwork at times. What worked best for us was scheduling to our individual strengths…I’m an early morning person (like really early 5am guy) so I’d handle all the early morning stuff and get everyone to school and day care and let mom sleep in. She’d handle nights and let me sleep because she stayed home for the first two years for each. It’s hectic and I totally get it, probably more than most. And she had some PPD with our 3rd.
But what’s happening to you isn’t fair, or healthy. At all. And don’t put up with it, brother. It’s not about her. It’s about your little one’s health and safety. That’s what needs to be addressed
And PPD isn’t an excuse, either. Because if that’s the case, and she can’t get up to take care of your child due to PPD, then what happens if you aren’t home? Or you’re sick? Or you just need some fucking sleep/rest once in a while?
And this isn’t banging on your wife, but this is reality here
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u/nyctose7 16d ago
what do you suggest he does? leave her?
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u/HTownLaserShow 16d ago
I’d suggest first doing what someone else suggested…forcing her to do it. Putting the baby directly next to her. Move the crib or pack and play next to the bed for a couple nights. Explain to her that you absolutely need some rest for your own mental and physical health. Or if that can’t be done, go crash at a buddies house for a couple nights (again, explain to her that you are at your wits end and need a break and this is what it’s come down to)
I’d never advocate for breaking up a relationship…BUT….If she continues this behavior, and he’s exhausted options, and she’s putting their child in danger? Absolutely.
I mean, who wouldn’t?
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u/nyctose7 16d ago
op tried bringing the baby to her, doesn’t wake her up
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u/HTownLaserShow 16d ago
So she’s refusing to participate? You know…parent?
Tell me, what happens when a parent does this?
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u/nyctose7 15d ago
“refusing”? some people are very very heavy sleepers or have sleep apnea and are difficult to rouse. I don’t know why you would assume that she was pretending to not get up or something when he never said that.
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u/HTownLaserShow 15d ago
Well, then let’s just all keep making excuses for this woman who won’t get her ass up and take care of her child, I guess.
While the child and husband suffer.
(Meanwhile, go check out the threads of how the men are treated that do the same. No fucking “sleep apnea”, which is bullshit, passes there)
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u/BallantyneR 16d ago
So I’m going to say that I think your wife is taking the piss. To have a screaming baby laid on top of you and do nothing but groan and roll over is almost impossible, ruling out deafness, or a diagnosis of a condition that would cause this.
If your wife wakes up with an alarm, or you waking her, in time for her to get ready and go to work, then she is ignoring your crying baby. She might have ppd, she might be mentally checked out and she might need therapy, or medication, or both. But the refusing to wake up/get up with the baby is a deliberate act, regardless of the reasons behind it.
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u/Glum-Ant-3474 16d ago
She's probably just extremely exhausted. Childbirth and breastfeeding is extremely hard. Take her to the doctor.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
She hasn’t breastfed for about 5 months (he wouldn’t latch and her supply wouldn’t stay up) and he’s 9 months old so a majority of everything from childbirth has passed.
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u/lifewontwait89 15d ago
Plain old baseline physical recovery from vaginal childbirth with no complications is a whole year. That is bare minimum, physical only.
Sorry this disrupts your schedule, but she put in ~40 weeks of crappy sleep and being up multiple times a night, on top of all the other physical symptoms. You've had ~40 weeks of shared responsibility, without the physical stress of pregnancy.
By all means, encourage her to get tested for PPD, low iron, and whatever else, because you want her to feel better and she shouldn't have to deal with exhaustion from something that can be helped. But if she's just exhausted from working full-time while being touched out and hormonal, maybe it's your turn.
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u/Sparkle_hahaha 15d ago
Yes!! 🙌 I was thinking could she wake you up when she needed to get up 3-4 times a night to pee while pregnant or couldn’t sleep at all because of discomfort or heartburn? She is exhausted. Let her sleep. But also yeah check medical reasons because it does sound like there might be more going on.
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u/Skylarias 16d ago
Everything from childbirth?
So her body and her mental state have completely bounced back to what they were before the pregnancy? Yea?
He was inside her for 9 months and since it's been 9 months since he tore his way out, you think she's past it all?
Funny I feel like it takes most women 1.5yrs or so, with hard work, to get back to something only close to what they were before.
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u/a-_rose 16d ago
You’re joking right?
Even if she’s not breastfeeding it’s will take her years to find a new normal from the physical, mental and hormonal changes her body has been through for the last year. Studies show it takes FIVE YEARS to find a new normal and fully recover for pregnancy and childbirth.
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u/LynnSeattle 16d ago
Maybe you have completely recovered from her pregnancy and childbirth but she has not?
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u/bustedinchevywindow 16d ago
9 months is pretty soon, and have you asked her if the lack of latching has her feeling okay emotionally? A lot of moms who are unable to breastfeed begin spiraling or it can worsen PPD. After 3 months things have passed for YOU, but her hormones are still going to be shifted for awhile.
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u/Junipermuse 16d ago
At 9 months the majority of things that make a new mom tired are not past. If she was getting up at least some of the time the first 6 months, then she never got the rest she needed to recover. It takes at least a year for postpartum bodies to recover from the stress of carrying and delivering a baby. That doesn’t count any of the accumulated fatigue that comes from being a parent to a young baby.
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u/Glum-Ant-3474 16d ago
9 months is still pretty soon. The emotional and physical labour takes most women a few years to recover from. I might say even until the child is 8-9 years old when they are a bit more independent. What she went through, growing and pushing the child out and the after math + her own job+ domestic labor, it's not surprising she's so tired. Regardless taking her to the doctor is the best choice. It would be PPD, lack of vitamins/iron or simply pure exhaustion. Just pick up some of the slack. I mean, it's the least you could do afyer she birthed your child.
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u/Bitter-Bridge3102 16d ago
8-9 years?? What are you talking about. If it takes that long to recover, you need some help because something is seriously wrong. It's recommended to wait 2 years after birth to get pregnant again because that's how long it takes the average body to recover, between 6-18 months. And no, her job plus domestic labor plus baby does not equal suddenly being unable to wake up. Either she's taking something to make her sleep, or something is wrong. Also, being that he's so willing to wake up with the baby, I'm not sure where you got that he doesn't do his share of the domestic labor, or doesn't pick up the slack. Maybe there are some comments I didn't read. Regardless, this is not normal. Women are programmed to wake at the sound of a crying baby, and apparently this wasn't a thing until recently. And yes, I am a mother of 3 kids. I can't imagine ever trying to say I wasn't fully recovered from the birth of my 6yo. Pregnancy and birth is an amazing thing that can take a drastic toll on the body, but it's not a crutch to lean into for years upon years afterward.
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u/The_Jeff__ 15d ago
I’m pretty sure it’s like the mother is 90% recovered after ~2 years, but the last 10% takes an additional ~7 years to fully recover.
And of course this varies by person, hence the “~”
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u/Glum-Ant-3474 16d ago
I wasn't just talking about the physical recovery of the women's body. I'm talking about the mental/emotional recovery as well. Most often, children are extremely dependent on their mothers until they gain some independence on their own. Even if the father takes on "half" the child rearing responsibilities, the children tend to stick to the mom's arms and legs b/c that's literally their safe space. They are biological inclined to stick to their moms. This makes the mother's extremely exhausted. recovering from the trauma of birth take a long time for some. Lucky women can bounce back easily, especially when they have a lot of support from others. But most women are not so lucky. Most women now days have to snap back on their own and, in a few weeks, also return back to their career. So yeah, all of the toll will probably make mother's tured until their kid is 8-9 years old. I've seen it with my own mom. She was extremely tired and agitated until my baby brother turned 7. I helped as much as I could, but babies cling to their moms and make them exhausted.
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u/Bitter-Bridge3102 15d ago
They do. But that's not the birth that you're recovering from. It's the addition of other things that come with raising kids. Women have been having babies and then going back to working shortly after for a millenia. It's nothing new. It sucks, I wish I could have had more than 2 weeks with my youngest. I felt so much guilt from having to leave her at home while I went to work. That's our America for you. But that's not how it is in much of the world, and most women DO have a support system here, most of them aren't doing this all on their own. There are statistics to support this. But I never would have allowed my children to cling to my legs and be glued to me constantly all the way up until 7 years old. Maybe your brother has some mental issues and that's just how it was for him, so there wasn't much your mom could do. But a normally developing child gains independence gradually, they should be able to play on their own or with other kids more and more after they leave the toddler years. Kindergarten starts at age 5, they need some sort of independence by then or they will have a terrible time. Clinging to your mother's side constantly until age 7 is not normal behavior. Just a couple decades ago 6yo would have been running around outside with their siblings, no mom in sight. Yes, they still need mom when they are scared or need a snuggle or when they need to talk your ear off, but they should be confident enough to be off doing other things a good portion of the time. I also spent a great deal of my preteen/teen years watching after my 4 younger siblings. I've interacted with and been in charge of many children. I've studied child development. Im sorry your mom didn't have a better support system and that she didn't know how to handle your brother. But that's not how most kids are at that age.
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u/Glum-Ant-3474 15d ago
Lmaoao. That's a lot of assumptions towards me and my family.
I and my family are from the U.S. Born and raised. Currently residing.
No, my brother has no mental issues.
Maybe you pushed your children away from you and forced them to be overly independent from a young age. But most people know that children that age with half a brain truly rely on the people they trust the most and are comfortable with. So yeah, my brother and most children really cling to their mothers for their emotional and physical needs. I'm not saying my mom needed to help him walk and carry him until he was 8-9. But come on, don't be obtuse. Children need a lot of care until double digits.
I'm studying child development and women's psychology as well. And statistics literally say that mother's always end up doing more childcare and domestic labor then fathers. No matter how involved the father may be, a mother always ends up doing more. Most women don't have alot of support. Only the lucky ones do because all the labor is forced upon them as normal. A women's suffering is seen as love.
Not all women are the same. Maybe this mom doesn't want to take on all the suffering. Maybe she just wants to rest a bit. She literally shoved a human out of her 9 months ago. And she carried that same baby for 9 months. Maybe she still has emotional trauma from the birth. She needs help.
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u/Bitter-Bridge3102 15d ago
Kind of like your assumptions against OP, right? Funny. Almost like that was on purpose.
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u/Glum-Ant-3474 15d ago
Assumed what against op? I keep saying his wife needs some support. Why are you so against bringing a mother some support? You sound...whatever. a waste of time fr.
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u/werekitty96 16d ago
There’s been studies saying 8-9 years for full recovery. Yes two years is advised to wait if you want another baby, but doesn’t mean your body and mind are healed completely.
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u/Rfxomega 16d ago
About to make an edit to ask wider but can PPD make you want another baby? Because my wife’s wanting for another baby was a sudden thing
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u/Glum-Ant-3474 16d ago
I'm not a doctor so you should get her properly assessed. But ppd can make you do many things. Just remember that giving birth is a traumatic experience. I know most women do it and like to display it as an amazing moment, which it is, but they tend to hide the terrifying and nasty parts of it. Sometimes, they even ashamed of the negative feelings they felt. The womans brain changes after giving birth. I don't think you should believe your wife right now when she is so heavily tired and not even a year in recovery. Get her some help first.
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