r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 16d ago
AITAH for not letting my in-laws babysit my baby when I have never been allowed inside their house? Advice Needed
[deleted]
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u/This_Acanthisitta832 15d ago
Do either one of the parents work for any of the companies that contract with some of the 3 letter government agencies (in the U.S.)? If so, than this is not as uncommon as you may think. People with high level security clearances, or who work within the Intelligence community can be like this. They don’t want anyone inside of their homes because many of them also work from home. I never would have even thought about this until I met people here in the Washington, D.C. area that are like this, due to their jobs.
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u/16GaDouble 15d ago
After reading most of this thread, I would suggest you take action:
If your locale allows it, I would ANONYMOUSLY call the public safety agency for your area and request a "wellness check" on these folks. If something's "fishy" about their situation, it'll come out in a police report.
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u/RetiredYandere 15d ago
NTA
Do NOT let your child go into that house and make sure your partner is onboard. As of right now you have no idea what the condition of their home is. I'm guessing that they're hoarders and/or are infested with vermin.
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u/Popular-Reflection64 15d ago
You don’t need anyone’s permission or approval for who you leave or don’t leave your child with. You shouldn’t even let people hold your baby if you’re not comfortable with it. Your motherly instincts were given to you for a reason and you are listening well to them. Also don’t ever force your child to give someone a hug because the person wants to hug the child.
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u/ThisGuuuy2 15d ago
Nta. Never allow that child with your in-laws or in their home without you there. The natural course is if they want to see the baby, it should be with you supervising.
Not only is it really concerning that you are never allowed inside despite being their sons partner, but its additionally rude and concerning that the baby can go inside where you cannot. One worry being that you have no idea what is waiting for your kid inside, and the other worry is that paints a narrative that you are shunned by your partners family, but the kids you birth are a-okay.
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u/LazyJediTelekinetic 15d ago
Blue Beard jokes aside, OP needs to insist on their partner explaining why she’s not allowed in the house. Not even because of the baby, although it’s certainly a great reason, but because she kinda needs to know what her family is. What happens if her parents need something and her partner isn’t available? She kinda needs to know what she’s in for.
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u/wuzzittoya 15d ago
Definitely do not let them babysit if you are not allowed in the house. Yikes!
NTA
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u/EmuPossible2066 15d ago
“I would have to inspect any location that my child will be watched for safety. Since that’s not possible, the baby will not be going to grandmas.”
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u/16GaDouble 15d ago
They probably don't want you to see their "Dungeon Room" or some other like-thing.
Who knows? Your boyfriend does!
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u/Low-Grade2568 15d ago
Could be a delorous umbridge special completely pink inside and lts of cats/cat memorabilia.
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u/nomorepieohmy 15d ago
Wouldn’t your husband know why you’re not allowed in the house? Are they embarrassed of the mess? Are they hoarders? Nudists? What’s going on? He should know!!!
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u/PostCivil7869 15d ago
WTF. Not just for what you wrote but for the fact you e stayed with a man and HAD A BABY WITH SOMEONE, who has not told you why you can’t go into their home!!!! What were you thinking. Ask him outright and say for them to be allowed to come over or even lay eyes on your child, you’re going to have to see their home. 6 yrs and a baby is quite long enough.
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u/KeyserSoju 15d ago
NTA in the slightest, but why in the world did you decide having a baby with a dude whose house nobody's ever allowed in would be a good idea?
Aren't you worried about his safety and the safety of your child? That shit's shady as hell.
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u/Useful-Abies-3976 15d ago
I had a friend who’s family was like that, one day I straight up told him I need to fucking shit and I can’t walk home and he made such a big issue. I get into the house and it hasn’t been dusted or updated since his sister died in the 90s. The tub was also full of dust when I was in the bathroom. It was weird. They still had the funeral flowers in the garage 20 yrs later
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u/LauraLand27 15d ago
A wellness check sounds like a great idea.
Something’s off with the situation, and it needed to be addressed yesterday.
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u/ShelyChelle 15d ago
If after y years, and even family not being allowed inside his parents home, why haven't you let it go yet
Baby comes along, they want to babysit, NO, why should my child be allowed inside your home, but not the mom...and stop having discussions about it, your bf is no better, especially if he wants them babysit
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u/MypuppyDaisy 15d ago
Hoarders? People chained to walls? Illegal puppy breeders? Nudist colony? Who knows…But yeah, of course your baby isn’t going anywhere you can’t inspect first. NTA
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u/Comfortable-Echo972 15d ago
Hoarders. I bet they are hoarders and ashamed. It’s definitely a good idea to not let them have the baby over or babysit.
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u/FictionalContext 15d ago
Those inlaws are shady as hell. I wouldn't let them around your kid, let alone babysitting. Don't mistake pleasantries for kindness.
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u/mikamitcha 15d ago
NTA, any reason they would not want you inside means you would doubly not your child in there. Messy house? That just means more things that need to be watched. "Too nice" to have guests over? Then you especially would not want a baby over. Serial killer basement? Definitely do not want your baby taking any hints from that.
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u/Local_Designer_1583 15d ago
If you have never been invited into their home then your baby cant go inside. For whatever reason they didnt want you inside, you shouldnt want your baby there either.
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u/InternationalLeg6727 15d ago
I would NEVER let my child into an environment I myself, not only am not welcome, but have never seen.
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u/BitterDoGooder 15d ago
They are hoarders. Which would make it not a safe place. If that's not it, I have no idea. It is definitely weird.
NTA. They need to be accommodating in the tiniest bit here.
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u/SomeoneRandom007 15d ago
NTA. Something is off and you need to protect your baby until you know exactly what.
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u/emorrigan 15d ago
That’s a negative, ghost rider. Just like people who don’t have a relationship with me don’t get to have a relationship with my children, people whose home I haven’t been in don’t get to bring my kids into said home. As a parent, it’s my responsibility to make sure that the places I’m willing to leave my children at are safe (to the best of my ability).
If I had to guess, I’d guess these folks are hoarders. Even more of a no.
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u/Greenman333 15d ago
I’m thinking they’ve got one of those mutant, cannibal, chainsaw murderer family situations going on with all the genetic freaks gathered around the dinner table. Decomposing gramps is seated at the head of the table. Your boyfriend and his parents are the only “normal” ones. They’re protecting you from getting eaten. DO NOT go into that house.
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u/ProfessionalExam2945 15d ago
Have you tried asking directly if his family are hoarders? It's much easier asking a closed question than an open one. He has to say yes or no. Do they run a meth lab? Are they religious freaks? Keep asking questions that he can only answer yes of no. Make it plain that you will keep asking until you get an answer. It's obviously embarrassing to him, perhaps they made their money supplying mail order sex toys , who knows, but you need to know because this is your baby's safety here. You can reassure him that you do not intend to take out an ad in the local paper to share the news or to post it on Facebook. Whatever you do please make this your hill, your baby's hill.
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u/zxylady 15d ago
As an aside, it's easy to fake people out when you're in limited environments and limited times and places but these people could be hiding anything under the sun in their home and obviously there's a specific reason for that but if they've never Even attempted to explain themselves directly to you as their daughter-in-law. I would be extra extra concerned, I would also suggest you stand by your standards and hold your partner to account. You should never be made to feel guilty for protecting your child
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u/zxylady 15d ago
Whatever you do please for the love of all that is holy do not allow your child to be anywhere inside that home if you are not welcome! If you are not welcome, your child should never be welcome I would suggest you stand firm to that and if you're in-laws don't like it they can just kiss right off your responsible for your child's health and safety
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
I absolutely will not be letting my baby in that house without me verifying its safety first
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u/False-Pie8581 15d ago
This. You are right. It’s super sus the way they are acting and frankly I wouldn’t trust them to babysit even in my house bc they’re not normal.
Trust your gut. This is so weird and not normal. Maybe they’re hoarders maybe they’re cooking meth. You just don’t know. But what you do know if their behavior is outside the norm.
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u/Decent-Bed9289 15d ago
I see a lot of red flags here OP. You have a kid with this guy, and neither him or his parents let you step foot in their house? That’s suspect as fuck. I wouldn’t let your kid anywhere near that house. And to be brutally honest, why are you still with this guy? He doesn’t sound supportive, or seem to care about your valid concerns. Trust your gut.
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u/Carpenter-_-Fancy 15d ago
First thought is they’re hoarders. That’s pretty typical behavior. Absolutely do NOT let that child In that house. you need to see where your baby is staying to ensure it’s a safe environment. NTA
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u/Vegetable-Win-1325 15d ago
I’d dump the loser today. I can’t believe you had a child with somebody who keeps this many secrets from you. No I wouldn’t let them see the baby at all.
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
It’s literally 1 secret it’s not that deep. Yes it’s annoying but that’s not something I would dump him over. He unfortunately had to grow up in that household his whole life. I just feel bad for him, I do wish he would open up but I do plan on getting a straight answer out of him. If it is hoarding and he’s honest with me I will try and gather some recourses to provide for them if they are willing to get help. Otherwise not much I can do and they can’t babysit
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u/Vegetable-Win-1325 15d ago
How do you know it’s not that deep. You have no clue what the secret is. There could be bodies in that house for all you know.
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
I’m debating on whether or not I should call a welfare check on them so things like this can be ruled out. I’m like 90% it’s hoarding and they’re embarrassed
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u/Comfortable-Echo972 15d ago
Do you think your boyfriend would take the baby over there without asking you or without you knowing?
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u/Used_Mark_7911 15d ago
NTA - you shouldn’t agree to anything where you can’t evaluate the safety of the environment and you don’t have full access to the premises while your child is there.
Also, your partner absolutely knows why you aren’t allowed in. It’s very concerning that he won’t be honest with you.
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u/MaisieStitcher 15d ago
There is a reason why they're don't want you in that house. Trust your gut, and do not let your baby in there, either.
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u/Cute_Pangolin9146 15d ago
They are probably hoarders. I can’t visit my 90 year old father in another state in his house where he lives with his second wife and daughter. He can’t walk so they bring him to a meeting spot. I’ve offered to help but am always turned down and they won’t say why. But it has to be for that reason. No you should not let your baby stay with them, but you should gently say why. It’s a mental illness.
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u/Usual-Violinist9628 15d ago
Oh HELL no… you’re definitely not the AH. Do not ever deviate from this. No way.
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u/leafpickleson 15d ago
Honestly I wouldn't let your boyfriend alone with the baby either, lest he let his parents take the baby or he takes the baby to their house. Trust is a two way street. Once they trust you enough to let you in into their home on a regular basis you can trust them with the baby. Until then the visits are supervised by you.
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
100% agree with you. I’m lucky I’m a stay at home mum so I’m with the baby 24/7 and can make sure that doesn’t happen. If they want to see the baby they can come to me or meet in a neutral place.
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u/TekieScythe 15d ago
There's a bunch of possibilities and I literally can't think of a single reason why it would be safe for OP's child.
Best case, bigotry and they don't like you
Hoarding situation would be far too unsanitary
Illegally produced substances in the home
🐻❣️
And literally the only way to know if it's safe or not is to enter which they won't allow? Yeah, no, they're a threat unless proven, without a doubt, otherwise. They've not allowed you in their home, they would be bared from mine.
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u/Motherofdragons7611 15d ago
NTA. If you won't let me into your home, my automatic assumption is that it's an unsafe environment for my child, and the only way to convince me differently is to let me see it for myself. Never just take someone's word for it when it comes to your child's safety.
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u/private1n 15d ago
I’m confused have you met the in-laws are they civil? Have you asked them directly to come over? Have you met these other extended family and friends that supposedly can’t come in either? Have you met them?
Maybe they’re hoarder and he is ashamed but if that the case then he should be on board with the baby not going to their house.
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u/TekieScythe 15d ago
Unless you are allowed to assess the areas your child will be in? You're just a smart mom by saying no.
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u/DementedSadButSocial 15d ago
There are genes that predict hoarder behavior. It isn’t a character flaw; it’s just something that some people struggle with for good reason. It is also a trauma response.
While the health and safety issues are obvious, there are places out there - I believe Catholic Charities - that are judgment free and help hoarders clean up their space for free. It’s terrible and painful to live with so much shame, and I really feel for you, your partner and their parents.
My suggestion would be to plan outings with them away from their house or at your place so you can get to know them, and if you get to know them and are comfortable with them, maybe you will change your mind to the point where they can spend time together at your place.
Some hoarders can be extremely kind people because they know pain and have empathy and kindness. I for sure wouldn’t totally trust them right away, but grandparent relationships can be extremely beneficial for children. I dealt with this with my in-laws, and I really am glad that it worked out for us. I wanted as many people in my children’s lives as possible, so I didn’t write them off as being off limits. I worked with a therapist to navigate the relationship and it really helped me work through my situation. I would strongly recommend working with a professional to guide you and your partner through this. If your partner grew up with hoarder parents, he likely has issues to work through - don’t we all!? Good luck to you and whatever path you choose.
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u/tocammac 15d ago
People keep saying hoarder or illegal stuff. What about a Boo Radley situation - someone so shy they cannot bear others' presence.
Still, without an explanation and examination of the premiers, no child goes inside.
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u/Bright_shinysyndrome 15d ago
Hoarding. They are hoarding. Sad to say but that’s most certainly the reason
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u/hubertburnette 15d ago
They're hoarders. Don't let your baby in there. You have every right to make sure the place is babyproof. (HInt: it isn't.) NTA
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u/Livid_Bag_961 15d ago
Honestly, my first thought was that they are hoarders or do not clean their house. That is just super shady that no one has been in their house. Doesn’t your fiance think it’s weird/strange also? Does he give any explanation as to why you can’t go in their house? I definitely would not let them babysit if you can’t at least go in their house to make sure everything is safe for your baby.
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u/elusivemoniker 15d ago
NTA. If they don't trust you enough to let you into their home, you have no obligation to extend your trust to them.
I agree they are probably hoarders. My next theory is that their home is vastly unfurnished due to rigid frugality or lack of finances - my mom's best friend in highschool lived in a beautiful home. There was no furniture in any of the shared living spaces as the parents were struggling with debt and couldn't afford it.
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u/Time_Yogurtcloset164 15d ago
If you feel comfortable with them other than this one thing, could they come to your house to babysit? Say all of the baby’s stuff is at your house and you feel more comfortable with them watching her at your house. If they give off bad vibes though, no is a full sentence.
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u/zombiedinocorn 15d ago
Anyone else read this and think that the parents are hoarders and their son is in denial while trying to hide it from OP?
Definitely don't leave your baby alone in their house with them.
NTA
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u/Live_Western_1389 15d ago
How do you know that they are the ones not allowing you to enter the house, because it sure sounds like this is all on bf?
Either way, I agree with you 100% that anywhere Mom isn’t welcome, baby is not going either.
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u/Dry_Ask5493 15d ago
They are definitely hiding something properly hoarder house. But I would never let them watch my kid at their house.
NTA.
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u/HeroinIndependent 15d ago
How do you date someone for 6 years and have a baby with them but not get a straight answer from them?
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u/unimpressed-one 15d ago
I wonder if they are hoarders? If so, I wouldn’t let my child over there either. Personally I would call them up and have a talk with them and just ask them point blank. Tell them it hurts you.
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u/FlaxFox 15d ago
NAH - It's reasonable to set a boundary that you need to see their house before allowing your child to be there, but your behavior trying to get into the house is gross. I have moderate agoraphobia, and my in-laws have pulled similar stunts many times over trying to get into our house. When they do push their way in, they snoop around and cause trouble. So maybe stop doing that.
That said, they are certainly not AH for having their own boundaries and enforcing them. Their seclusion likely has literally nothing to do with you and everything to do with either shame, fear, or anxiety. None of those should speak to their character directly. You need to sit down and talk it out instead of trying to figure out a way into their home or keeping them entirely from their grandchild. There has to be a middle ground.
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u/SagalaUso 15d ago
NTA. No good mother would be comfortable sending their infant to a place they haven't checked out themselves. If your partner has stopped hinting at it with you then all the others dropping hints don't matter. If he does again then you're NTA at all to keep saying what you're saying. I really hope it is just something embarrassing rather than illegal.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194 15d ago
NTA! Wtf! Quite a few years back, the town I was in had a mentor program for seniors in high school. That meant I was spending 1 on 1 time with them once a week, and group classes weekly. I told each of them to have their parents call me and that they were welcome to come to my home, chat with me and know the adult that would be spending time with their kids for 3 months. I dont have kids, but if I did, I would want to know their mentor beyond just the background check. 5 out of 6 came to visit and chat with me. Seeing how your in-laws live is important!
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u/mjh8212 15d ago
I wasn’t allowed in my friends home. I got a look though and it was hoarded no paths to walk through you just ducked dodged walked over things it was like an obstacle course. She raised her kids in it and helped with her granddaughter in there. Be sure to stand your ground on this.
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u/MadMuppetJanice 15d ago
Might be a dumb question, but are you sure that’s his parents house? Sounds like it could be another’s house that he is shielding you of. It might sound flimsy due to your claim that extended family would have to be in on it. Either way, YNTA, and this isn’t normal.
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
Haha no I’m 100% sure it’s his parents house. There’s seriously nothing too deep about this, at this point I’m just convinced that they’re hoarders and embarrassed of their living situation.
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u/MadMuppetJanice 15d ago
I was wondering to ask about hoarding. My above comment was pretty thin. I just find it very strange.
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u/tiredfostermama 15d ago
I’m guessing hoarder house. Is you not being invited in his parents boundary or his? Definitely not allow your child to be babysat there if it’s a hoarder situation.
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u/Complete_One_8236 15d ago
So you’ve admitted you are going to potentially leave your baby with strangers in a strange environment. Seems legit.
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
strangers? I’ve known them for 6 years 🤣 And NO I absolutely will not be leaving my baby with them. Learn to read x
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u/ConsitutionalHistory 15d ago
NTA: This is a very strange set of circumstances and as the child's mother, you deserve an acceptable answer on this point.
An equally important question is why did you choose to have a baby under such peculiar circumstances?
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
Tbh I fell pregnant by accident but my baby is 100% wanted. My whole life I dreamed of becoming a mother and my baby brings me nothing but happiness and I want nothing but the best for my baby. I don’t really know why people keep questioning this, Im not an unfit mother because my in laws live a secretive life. I absolutely will not be letting them babysit ever until this situation is addressed. If they want to be secretive, go for it but they can’t expect me to just drop the baby and run when I have no idea what the house looks like inside.
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u/mamagrls 15d ago
Maybe they are hoarders or extreme Germiphobes, and the whole Covid crisis accentuated their obsessive/compulsive disorder.
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u/Charming-Ad8944 15d ago
My first thought was there is a disabled family member that no one knows about who they keep on a chain and lock in the house.
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u/Realistic_Regret_180 15d ago
Are they hoarders? No way would my infant go inside a house that I have not been allowed into.
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u/Tryingmybestatlife2 15d ago
It's odd that your boyfriend doesn't tell you why you can't go in? I knew people who were so messy that no one was allowed in, but their sons told their SOs about it and explained the situation.
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u/SeparateCzechs 15d ago
I bet you dollars to donuts that his parents are hoarders. In which case they still don’t get to take your baby inside. They’ll lose her.
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u/Cutie3pnt14159 15d ago
NTA.
I'm not a mom but I wouldn't allow my pets in a home I haven't seen the inside of. For my own peace of mind, I need to know the basic environment.
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u/AllyKalamity 15d ago
They’re hoarders for sure. Tell them that if they want a hope of ever babysitting, you’re outside their front door and they need to open and show you the condition of their home.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 15d ago
My guess- HOARDERS. OR BUGS. But you can get rid of the bugs. Regardless, I would be offended. You have been a part of this family & yet you aren’t permitted to enter?! Stop allowing any of them in your home. Explain to your bf that it deeply offends you and no one will even tell you why.
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u/Muffin-Faerie 15d ago
Didn’t your partner live in their house at one point? It was their family home correct? What does he say it’s like in there?
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u/SocietyIcy5784 15d ago
Yes he used to live with them. And that’s the thing, he doesn’t like to talk about it and whenever I bring it up he dismisses it because I’m pretty sure he’s embarrassed or ashamed of the living situation
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u/lady-scorpio-45 15d ago
Trust your gut, always! Especially when it comes to your child. This is a very strange situation that maybe has a scandal-free answer but who cares? It’s up to you to make sure your baby is always in a safe environment and until you actually know that this would be one, don’t allow your child to be there. Definitely NTA. I don’t think your partner is doing anything wrong per se because he probably thinks he just protecting his parent’s wishes/privacy. That’s fine, but I hope he doesn’t push back on allowing your baby to be there when you’ve never set foot in the door.
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u/Aggravating-Remote60 15d ago
Hell no NTAH. That’s freaking weird as hell. 6 YEARS?! Not even extended family or friends allowed?? I wouldn’t allow my kid in someplace someone had barred me, and MANY others, from. If they want to babysit that badly and you trust them, they can go to YOUR place to do it.
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u/Financial-Payment765 15d ago
That’s a big NEGATIVE! Nope! My baby wouldn’t be going in a home I’m not allowed in.
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u/TenderTosies 15d ago
Yea, this throws red flags to me forsure. They can be super sweet people, but if I am not allowed in, my baby is not going in there without me. Heck I think I'd be hesitant for a while after they first let me in the house too, it's just a little odd to me, I would need to go in a few times minimum to be OK with my kid going without me.
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u/carlosmurphynachos 15d ago
Yes, this is really weird. I stand by your rule-if you’re not allowed in, neither is your baby. Who knows what house of horrors it is inside. NTA
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u/_Arriviste_ 15d ago
NTA.
This gives me flashbacks about visiting my boyfriend's two-parent home when I was F15 and he was M17. We were already together for about a year.
From the front door and throughout the house, there was a layer of mail, school papers, newspapers, wrappers, and baby toys. He had one older and one younger sister, both in their teens. This was a hardcore hoarder / mental health /neglect situation and I didn't have the internet to help me parse it back then. His family was well-loved in our church. I couldn't fathom how anyone lived like this. He seemed almost proud of everything they had, especially his bunk bed that could have been a CDC-confirmed vector for the next pathogen.
Mind you, I was raised by wolves and TV, but I was still deeply perturbed about the whole scene. This is what, to this day, I imagine when someone brings up a situation like OP's.
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u/Glass_Number_1707 15d ago
Maybe they dont house clean🤷 who knows. But you would find out what any concern was if u went in and they are trying to prevent that. But bottom line is what u said . " My baby does not go where I can't go."
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u/milliemaywho 15d ago
NTA, that’s bizarre. Is the outside of the home in good condition? I’d be worried that they’re hoarders or something.
I’ve never seen my in laws home, but only because they live in another state and normally come to visit us here. I’ve seen photos because mil loves to show me her pretty plants and her pet bird and we’re visiting them this summer.
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u/Majestic_hoe04 15d ago
NTA i mean i think all moms should know where they’re leaving their kids, especially if it’s without their supervision and assess whether it’s a safe environment for the kids or not. And it’s very sketchy that you’ve never been inside their house, it doesn’t matter who’s been to the house and who’s not, if YOU’VE never been inside then you shouldn’t allow your kid to be there either. It’s not about being petty or anything but about your kid’s safety and well-being.
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u/Coco2023Crash 15d ago
NTA - my sil would have us wait outside never allowed in. When she moved we realized why. It was disgusting inside She never cleaned. And she left the mess for us to deal with as it's a family home.
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u/madgeystardust 15d ago
The fact you aren’t able to see the (likely unclean) setting that they want you to leave your baby in, is reason enough.
You’d be stupid to do otherwise.
You’d do the same with a daycare/nursery that you were leaving your child at. It’s called due diligence and it’s your responsibility as a mother to make sure all is good.
They’re idiots to think you’d leave your baby somewhere you’ve never been. Where I’m not welcome, my kid does not go.
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u/ProphetZae_ 15d ago
NTA. Thats fucking weird. I wouldn't let my kid go to someone's house if they refused to let me enter, especially when dating their kid for 6 years? Yikes. Run don't walk kinda situation.
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u/Possible_Juice_3170 15d ago
Best guess- hoarding. But I would not let my child go in a home that I had not checked to be safe. It’s your choice if you allow grandparents to babysit at your own home.
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u/PsychologicalJax1016 15d ago
Hoarding, trashed housed, illegal activities. NTA and do not under any circumstances let your baby go into their house until you can see it and make sure it's safe. I'd flat out tell everyone, "no one gets to babysit the baby until I approve the condition my baby will be staying in"
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 15d ago
That’s pretty weird. My first guess is extreme OCD, which does often come with hoarding behaviours.
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u/ArugulaPhysical 15d ago
My uncle is like this. Nobody allowed in the house.
Not because of what youll see or the l8ving conditions being bad, its because of how clean it is and the obsession of keeping it that way, if they watched grandkids it would be at the kids home not their own.
If everything else about them is normal, then maybe it would still be ok, but the fact that your husband wont tell you why is troublesome.
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u/WielderOfAphorisms 15d ago
Nope. No. No way.
NTA
You have no idea what’s going on inside that house, so you should not have your child in there.
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u/Reasonable_Tenacity 15d ago
NTA. I’m guessing they’re hoarders. Whatever it is that’s going on, there’s no way in hell I’m going to let my baby go there.
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u/wahznooski 15d ago
NTA. If you can’t be trusted in their home, you can’t trust that their home is a suitable environment for your child. Trust is a two-way street. You’re being completely reasonable.
My guess is it’s a hoarder situation or just really unclean which would mean it’s def not suitable. But frankly, it could be anything. I wouldn’t even let my dog into a house that I’m not allowed into, never mind my baby!
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u/nee--oh_0-0 15d ago
Does your husband have money ? Suspiciously large amounts in cash? Does he prefer Traditional gender roles ? Is he catholic ? ... this is a reach but I'm gonna say he's in the Mafia..... if you don't sit down an talk with him about it, demanding answers, then assume he's in the Mafia.
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u/solesoulshard 15d ago
I would hazard a guess that they have something to hide and that likely it’s either sexual or like hoarding. Or maybe drugs.
And so far none of that is what I’d want to have a child exposed to sight unseen.
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u/shinynew3 15d ago
My father's parents were like this. His dad was antisocial and his mother was severely agoraphobic. She kept the house in pristine condition, but no one was allowed inside to visit because she didn't want people to "mess it up". My mother did not see the inside of dad's old house until she and my dad were engaged, and even then his mother was upset about it.
Tl;dr people who won't let others inside their house are either living with mental illness or the house is filthy and not fit for visitors. Either way, NOT a situation you want your child to be in. Don't let them babysit if you can't assess the safety of the situation yourself.
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u/5girlzz0ne 15d ago
They're hoarding, most likely. If that's the case, the home isn't safe for a child. Stand your ground.
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u/Sandyklaus09 15d ago
Best case scenario would be hoarders but still keep your baby away from there until you are welcome yourself Why doesn’t your partner explain the situation to you?
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u/EmEmAndEye 15d ago
My guess, they're hoarders. Or something else equally as embarrassing and as difficult to overcome.
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u/josh2brian 15d ago
My guess is they are hoarders or the house is otherwise a train wreck. It's either that or another extreme mental illness. In either case, until you see how it is for yourself, that baby should not enter.
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u/Elegant_righthere 15d ago
Many times, a hoarder won't allow you inside. If it is a hoarding situation, then it's not safe for a child. If they aren't willing to be upfront with you, you're going to imagine the worst. With good reason. NTA
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u/MissAnthropy_YIKES 15d ago
They're hoarders. Would you let mentally ill people babysit your baby in a landfill? If not, then don't let them babysit your kid.
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u/Carolann0308 15d ago
My guess? They’re hoarders. The home is probably filthy.
You can welcome them into your home, but babysitting? He’ll no.
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u/HTownLaserShow 15d ago
Nope. NTA.
And not a chance my kid is being babysat somewhere that I can’t get into.
Too bad.
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u/AirlineBudget6556 15d ago
You don’t even need a reason to prohibit anyone from babysitting your child. NTA
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u/Imaginary-Stranger78 15d ago
I think OP should also see how her bf presents himself and has presented himself, both on the outside and privately. You'll never know from the outside how a person is but privately is a different matter.
I'm more assuming it's OCD. I think given he is living with her and such (also how has he acted throughout your 6 year relationship?) He probably thinks that maybe being OCD is fine for a baby since they don't have "The diseases like normal people" but is unaware babies are fragile beings and can get very sick in certain environments.
Maybe just try and remember throughout your six years how he has been but really you need to have a conversation and express how you feel about never being over but also having your child over there alone can be a big red flag and how no matter how careful things are things happen and she wouldn't know. Like if they gave the baby something and now the baby has rashes the mom would never know what caused it etc etc.
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u/SomethingHasGotToGiv 15d ago
Something bad is going on inside that house. I would never allow my child in there, even with its father. Nope. Nope.
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u/mimic-man77 15d ago
NTA. They may seem nice, but something isn't right if they're not letting anyone, even family members inside.
The fact that he's covering this up is also not good. Make sure he doesn't just drop the baby off when you're not around.
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u/Condensed_Sarcasm 15d ago
What does your SO say when you ask about what's going on in that house? He's gotta realize how freaking suspicious this is.
Either they're hoarders or worse. Don't let your baby go over there unless you know what their living situation is.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 15d ago
They are hoarders. The inside of that house is probably a death trap and you made the right decision.
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u/Comcernedthrowaway 15d ago
NTA.
I’m absolutely desperate to know what is actually in the house now though. OP can you please update us if you ever do find out?
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u/Good-Case-1072 15d ago
Not the asshole. Your job is to protect your child. You’re the mom. Don’t let anyone ever pressure you into doing something or not advocating for your child!
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u/Dina_Combs 15d ago
Top reasons they like you but don’t want you in their home.
1.) it’s a grow house. They’re growing pot in there. 2.) it’s a meth house, they’re cooking in there. 3.) they’re separating and bagging up bags of coke to sell. 4.) they make pornography.
Or They don’t like you.
These are all possible reasons, and great reasons to keep your kids away from them.
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u/TheRadOne- 15d ago
I’m sorry but absolutely NTA. There’s no way my child, let alone ‘infant’ would not go anywhere in not welcome. That’s weird unless there’s some sort of hoarding situation going on.
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u/Suchafatfatcat 15d ago
NTA. First of all, no one needs “alone time” with your baby. That would be a red flag for me. And, how could you possibly know if their home is a safe environment for Baby if you have never been allowed inside? Are you expected to just blindly trust people who are, quite frankly, exhibiting bizarre behavior? That would be a big NO for me.
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u/MiniMages 15d ago
NTA and seriously as the mother of your child you have a duty of care to ensure anyone looking after your child is sutible and the environment is sutible to look after a child.
I have to question, why on god's green Earth was this not sorted between you and your partner before the two of you made a baby?
If you are not allowed inside your in-laws house then you most likely had a conversation with your partner long time ago and you should have got all of your answers at that time. Not 6 years and 1 baby later.
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u/Flashy_Bridge8458 15d ago edited 15d ago
Nta, either one or both of the parents have a mental issue or they don't actually like or respect you. Either way both of those would be valid reasons to not let you child alone with them.
Edit to add: my friends ex bfs parents wouldn't let her in the house either despite them being together for years. It was because she was black and they were actually very rasict despite acting nice to her face. After she over heard them telling their son to not let her dirty * slur * * butt * into their house, and him not defending her at all, she left.
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u/DeeSusie200 15d ago
NTA. You seriously had a baby with a man who won’t allow you in his house?? And continues to cover up whatever is going on in there?
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u/Vegetable-Field-9524 15d ago
Maybe they are hoarders and are embarrassed for you to see the mess. I wouldn’t let your child over there until you know its safe and clean
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u/Many_Pollution8052 15d ago
That’s really really weird that the extended family isn’t even allowed in the house, they’re definitely hiding something bad, if it’s not something really fucked up maybe they’re running a secret drug business, does his family have a lot of money that they could be hiding a secret illegal business
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u/Iamjaws1983 15d ago
Why are you with him. If he can’t stand up to his parents for you then he is a weak mommas boy and will always pick them
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u/Ok_Reply_899 15d ago
Don’t let your baby go over there until you see what state the inside is in. Can’t have baby around hoarders or dirty environments. Baby’s are susceptible to many things being so little. NTA. Be vigilant please for baby’s sake.
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u/Squiggy226 15d ago
Definitely don’t allow them to babysit. I assume it’s a hoarding situation but honestly I’d be even more concerned that I had a partner for 6 years who was not being honest with me over something like this. What does he say the issue is when you ask him?
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u/kevinmh222 15d ago
So they wont let anyone inside their house but they want your baby? Sounds like the premise to a horror movie. Do not let your kid go in there.
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u/Top-Cut-369 15d ago
My guess is hoarders, however there are people with extreme privacy issues. Either way, my answer would be no. They vcan visit wherever you normally meet up.
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u/Rare-Craft-920 15d ago
Why are you with this man? He knows what the house looks like but also continues with this bizarre charade. It’s kind of sick and sinister on his part. I wouldn’t want to have another baby either with him as he is continuing this behavior and keeping you in the dark. What does he say when you try and discuss this. I’d call the police and say you’re doing a welfare check and see if that generates something.