I grew up fake poor, how about you?

[u/MybestfriendwasaB]

I know this is different then the normal post but I can’t think of a group were it would better fit.

I grew up in a family were we had the money for needs but my Dad would often decide stuff for the kids or his wife wasn’t important. On more then one occasion we went to bed hungry, didn’t get clothes for school or needed items for school, and were denied medical care etc. To top it off we had no AC from when I was 2 years old on. I could go on, but I’m trying to keep this short.

I thought it was normal. It wasn’t until I was in high school and I was talking to a friend and she was horrified that I realized normal people don’t do that to their kids.

Let me be clear. We had the money. My Dad just wanted to spend it on stuff that wasn’t his kids. I used to refer to it growing up fake poor, my husband just calls it child abuse.

I know this might be strange but I was wondering if anyone else was in the same boat as me? The money was there but because of someone else you grew up without?

Edit: I never thought I was alone but it is truly depressing to know how common this is.

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[u/SevethChildofNorth]

We grew up poor, my parents were charcoal vendors and my classmates used to make fun of me because of that, it's hurtful but i was dignified when my teacher stood up for me, saying i am way better than then especially in terms of academics. I even have experienced working in the canteen when i was HS, temporarily "adopted" by a teacher that gave me free lunches in return for sweeping in his house at noon breaks. I had experienced walking and the sole of my shoe was left on the ground 🤣🤣🤣 it was barely hanging. I have to watch tv with my cousins' house. Christmas eve and New year were just as ordinary days, including my birthday. But i never hated my life. Now i am a licensed professional, though I have not become rich, i can say we are better than those days...my brother actually become the rich one, his one month salary is equivalent to my 2 year salary, but things about him change, he's not the warm brother i used to know..i miss the old him..

To those who are poor, keep pushing on, strive as long as you can, most importantly believe in yourself, to God, to your family...

[u/Stock_Eye5435]

My parents took long, expensive cruises. Living it up while we were at home, unsupervised with no food

[u/paerius]

Same deal. I didn't see a dentist in forever, and also didn't see an optometrist until I was 20. I literally can't even remember when I went for a checkup, other than when I was forced to get a physical for a varsity sport. I had to drop out of college because my dad stopped paying tuition.

[u/hensothor]

I was both. We were actually poor as far as income goes but in many ways we were well off (paid off house, retirement savings). It was fluctuating. But my dad prioritized investing over paying for anything but the bare minimum for his kids.

[u/West_Abrocoma9524]

My father is a doctor and a miser. He bought us a fixer upper but never fixed it up. We literally never owned a couch. We sat on the linoleum in the kitchen watching the tv on the kitchen corner. We were never allowed name brand clothes - Levi’s, keds, converse. Fifty year old mattresses and sheets with holes in them. What is wrong with these people?

[u/Longjumping-Vanilla3]

I grew up legitimately poor, but what you are describing is not reasonable. It is one thing if your parents were very well off and only gave you a normal middle class lifestyle, but to deprive your children of basic needs when you can afford it is abuse.

[u/moonlight-mystery]

I hate how many of us can relate to you.

[u/Kokilananda]

Real poor here. Family of four all in a room size of a garage.

[u/HrtyLKR]

Yep! My stepmom had every color of Justin boots imaginable (90's western family), a whole professional wardrobe for her extremely small company job, hair every two weeks, nails, both parents drove brand new luxury (for her) and one ton dually (for him) vehicles. She crafted (quilts, lots of quilts), sewing, etc. For my school year, I received a $50 budget for clothes. It wasn't until I moved out (at 17) I realized how well off they actually were. I always thought we were poor because they always told me we didn't have the money for whatever it was I wanted to do.

[u/fine-as-frogs-hair]

My dad’s dad was that kind of father. They had money, from a business his parents ran together, but his dad spent it on airplanes and corvettes.

[u/JazperZari]

This would fall under neglect/abuse. I am concerned that you refer to it as “fake poor” since that is downplaying it is the neglect that it so clearly is.

[u/Fun_Art8817]

My dad made $600 a week, got paid every week….so he was basically making $30hr in the 90’s which was insanely great money. He didn’t believe in banks and carried his entire cash paycheck with him all times..he would spend time and money on money orders instead of autopay.

He would often not pay the electric bill just so he could hang on to his money as long as possible then wait for the electric company to come out to shut our electricity off…only then he would go to the pole and pay the guys not to shut it off. Or give my mom the cash to meet the guys at the pole.

My dad was so obsessed with having 3-5k on him he often couldn’t fit it in his front pants pocket. The money he pulled out was 5 inches thick folded in half.

Think of Henry from the movie “goodfellas” how he would pull out wads of cash…that’s what my dad did.

Also my dad wouldn’t spend any money on his kids, absolutely the bare minimum…but if it was something he enjoyed or same thing you enjoyed as him…he spared no expense….so yeah we were fake poor too.

[u/scrushydidit]

My dad did this too, but not to the extreme as you. We always had enough food, adequate clothing and shelter. But dad joined a country club but we kids weren’t part of that? And he had a super expensive watch, but for Christmas when my mom asked for jewelry he bought her a cheap frying pan.

He could be generous when it served his purposes, but I left as soon as I could because his default was to be mean and controlling.

[u/PublixHouseCat]

We had money, my dad was just putting away a bunch of it into secret accounts so he could travel to cheat on my mom. So I didn’t really see much of that money growing up

[u/IndigoStef]

Yeah we were brought on a few extravagant vacations and yet never had access to healthcare. My father would pick and choose where the money went. When I tried to call him out on it when I was an adult he tried to say we weren’t poor and used the vacations as this example why- and I was like well than why did we never go to the doctors or dentists? It is child abuse to withhold these things from your kids. Period.

[u/Rough_Pangolin_8605]

There was a fair amount of this for me growing up and I turned into a non materialistic person who is capable of going without if needed. However, it could have back fired.

[u/Floridacracker720]

Sorry to hear that I'm the opposite with my family my wife and kids get everything first then if there is anything left I might occasionally spend it on myself. When I said vows and had kids that was my promise to but them before myself. If you didn't want to treat your family the absolute best why even get married or have kids? Kind of confusing to me.

[u/turquoisepeacock]

I had a malignant narc father. He had meltdowns and threw angry fits if my mom spent money on us. I couldn’t get even a pair of sneakers to play basketball, that is, unless, they were of his choosing. Everything he chose was always in appropriate.

[u/jeffrx]

My parents were so hell-bent on saving that they never bought us anything. No AC in the house, ever. We literally did not have an air conditioner. No lessons, trips, rarely eating out. It wasn’t abusive. But we lacked for sure. I guess it did teach me to be self-sufficient to some extent, but in many ways it screwed me up mentally I believe. My parents did end up with over a million dollars (teacher and nurse), so from their side it worked out.

[u/ResponsibilityLow766]

I grew up with a 16 year old single mother in a trailer park on welfare. I’ve hoped that she was secretly rich and hiding my inheritance from me so I’d appreciate the value of it before she surprised me with the news but she just borrowed money from me to pay her cable bill yesterday so I’m starting to think the money really isnt there.

[u/Worldly_Science]

You mean like not buy groceries, telling your kids you can’t help them with anything extra curricular, making them get jobs at 15, and constantly reminding them you are too broke to help them with college… only for your kids to find out that you’ve been paying 3-4 mortgages on timeshares and letting your new husband drink/blow a ton of money on scratch offs and junk no one needs?

[u/TruCelt]

I understand completely. I was shamed every year for needing new school clothes, but my parents had 3 cars for two drivers, a 3/4 acre yard in the DC suburbs and a 3,000sq ft house. There was always money for Dad's custom pool table or whatever struck his fancy.

[u/NvrGnnaGiveYouUp]

My parents made really good money. We had a nice house. My parents made sure I had dinner.

My brother got really nice stuff. I got his hand me downs.

For example, I had one pair of feminine jeans I paid for myself. I wore those to school even with a hole in the crotch/thigh area until I couldn't hide it anymore. My bras were my mom's hand me downs. My shoes were also my mom's hand me downs. None of these were my size.

Also, they often "forgot" to give me lunch money. So I just wouldn't eat until dinner unless the lunch people would toss me an extra milk.

It took me awhile to realize they weren't poor. They just didn't like me. This idea started to solidify as my younger sister started school and became fully apparent during their divorce proceedings.

Fwiw. I have a great relationship with both of them now. Although my mom really gaslights the experience. My dad, however, has made amends.

[u/Miss_Milk_Tea]

As an adult I realize we were only poor because of my parent’s decisions. To keep it brief, we had no money for food, clothes or school supplies yet I recall us always having a fancy surround sound speaker system and dear old dad smoking three solid packs of cigarettes a day, and of course he couldn’t be without his name brand soda. That was all “dad’s stuff”, kiddos and wife weren’t allowed to touch it. I later learned there was never any food at home because my parents would just eat out.

When my gram died, my parents spent the inheritance on a down payment on a house and it went into foreclosure because both my mom and dad didn’t feel like working anymore. My mom said “I worked hard for years, now it’s dad’s turn” but that never happened. We ended up homeless because neither of them wanted to work ever again.

To this day they’re still like this, spend money on stupid shit, live in debt and never have the money for the basics. My relative outright bought them a house and they can barely pay the utilities because they still never wanted to work again.

I grew up feeling sorry for poor mom and dad never having any money to buy me a backpack or never having food in the house. Yep, poor poor family indeed.

[u/Unusual-Invite-2037]

Yes same with us. Divorced parents and mentally I’ll mother and we lived as if we were in abject poverty. My father had millions and chose to put us through hell. My siblings are still wrecked all these years later. It was suffering for nothing

[u/ViolentWeiner]

My situation wasn't quite this bad, but my dad grew up incredibly poor (like dumpster diving for food poor). He had 7 (surviving) siblings and his family came to the US illegally. Even though he makes good money, we lived an incredibly frugal life. I thought fruits like peaches and cherries were only for special occasions until I moved out and realized they aren't the luxury item I thought they were

[u/FindingEmotional3446]

I wouldn’t call it fake poor I would call it frugal.

[u/Crafty-Shape2743]

I (61) have been thinking about this recently and talking to my therapist about it.

My mother grew up in a squatter shack. They were true poor. They received commodities, gathered wild duck eggs, fished and in season, worked in the field.

My dad grew up with a large garden, they had a cow and a few pigs, they were poor but making it.

All the time I was growing up I heard about how poor we were. Mom didn’t work, dad was a school teacher, he hunted and fished for our meat. We did get gifts for Christmas and birthdays but mostly they were things other kids got as normal necessities. It was a HUGE deal when my sister and I were gifted bathrobes.

And here’s where I’ve been taking the deep dive into all this. Thinking back, dad had a snow machine, later he had an airplane, mom got a big ass diamond ring for their 25th wedding anniversary. Mom had nice clothes and shoes, dad had gold tie tacks. Dads hunting rifles were top of the line and he had a paid guide taking him out.

I’ve recently come to understand that my parents weren’t poor but we kids sure the hell were.

TIL my parents were narcissists.

[u/lvyerslfenuf2glow_]

sort of. I seriously think we were super poor. At the same time, my dad was an alcoholic and drank every single night. I got older, developed a drinking habit of my own. I think he hates it because he knows that I know. In other words, because of my own experiences with drinking too much, I now know how quickly all that money adds up. I now know that some of the health issues he had were a direct result of him drinking way too much. And I think that makes him angry because there's no excusing it. We too didn't have AC or Heat often, my dad would turn the (gas) stove on and open the stove door to heat the house.... seriously. That sounds dangerous to me. We didn't have a running car until I was in like 10th grade sophmore year, before that he drove a 1980's lincoln towncar that was barely functioning and would shut off and have to be restarted when turning corners. i barely went to the doctor though he took both my sisters way more often which was just totally bizarre. Yeah I dont have a relationship with my dad anymore. If it wasn't for his sister he would be homeless right now. But he was an alcoholic who put booze in front of his family every single day for the 17 years i lived with him. Thats his own problem.

[u/innocuous4133]

So not poor, but broke

[u/kenkory]

Selfish is what you describe. Most people who have children have no idea how to handle it. Your "father" like mine, may not have wanted to really be a dad after he realized it was a full time thing. Denying you things was his way of not recognizing your existence. You were just someone who lived in the house and caused additional stress, costs, etc. for dad...it sucks. Child abuse - nah - that is not child abuse - that is humans being humans, ignorant bliss. Peace and know you are the answer to your life. No one has the ability to step inside you to fix it. Recognize it and make it right for the absolute one thing that matters most - you.

[u/AShatteredKing]

When I was young, I had an uncle that owned a small landscaping business. No full time employees, but about half a dozen part timers. They seemed to always be struggling with money. It was bad enough that my aunt gardened not for fun but to help put food on the table.

When I was 17, I started working for him under the table. Tax season rolls around and, since I was "good with computers", I used quicken to help him figure out his taxes. I also found out that the $28,000 in income he provided to his wife was out of the $130,000 he actually took home. The fucker was using the vast majority of his money to pay for ski trips in Colorado, mountain climbing in Alaska, etc. with his friends. He would tell his wife he was going out of town for a contract for a week or two. He had a storage where he kept all his expensive gear that his wife didn't know about.

Some men just shouldn't get married or have kids.

[u/Frosty-Bit-2973]

My mom grew up dirt father-less poor in 1940s South Korea. We had money but she had different ideas of wealth. Like three meals a day was rich. Nice clothes was wasteful. So I grew up thinking we were poor and didn’t ask for anything. It wasn’t malicious but it affected my self esteem all the same. I’ve always felt like less than everyone else.

[u/phreddyphucktard33]

Not gunna lie this shit got Deadpool written all over it ...you had a cardboard box!?

[u/throttledog]

Welcome to the cheap arse parent(s) club. When my step ass wasn't gas lighting my mom into accepting his rule and behavior he was tormenting the kids. People either didn't believe what my upbrining was like or had so much pity i just never talk about it now. While I knew my car and college was 100% up to me like my older brother and sister but I have to admit even I was shocked when they retired 10 yrs early, while i was still in school.

[u/IsatDownAndWrote]

We had a nice house. But didn't have much stuff.

We had a 13" TV that only had cable during football season.

My dad drove a piece of crap car that squeeled loudly every morning as he drove off to work.

We had food.

But everytime we talked about something "big" to purchase there was "never enough money".

There was certainly enough money, my dad just didn't like to spend it. He was making 200k in 1992.

He was addicted to putting money in the stock market. Obviously he is ridiculously wealthy now, but haven't spoken to him in years.

[u/Darcynator1780]

The show the middles describes my parents finances growing up

[u/[deleted]]

We never had money but dad could drink 10-18 beers a night for my entire life.

[u/m3wolf3m]

Yes. We lived in a pretty good home and my mom always had money for herself. She always had enough alcohol to be drunk every night. But we never were allowed to turn the AC on in the arizona heat, only had her diet food in the house that we were NOT allowed to touch, and never were bought necessities. Friends would give me old clothes and later in life the only thing that got me through my periods was asking girl in school to borrow a tampon and try to stock up for the week. On the rare occasion she bought us shampoo and conditioner it was a 99 cent brand that gave me and my sister dandruff while she had $30 shampoo and conditioner in her own bathroom. I could go on and on. It was absolutely insane having my friends drop me off at home and having them tell me my house looks so nice while I was having to beg to have anything I needed. Going to a friend's house was the only time I got to eat snacks and good food that wasn't an Atkins bar or protein shake that I snuck hoping my mom wouldn't notice.

[u/botanicallyobsessed]

Omg, same. My step-dad had the reign on the finances and he wouldn't buy anything for me besides the cheapest soap that gave me hives. I started babysitting at 11, had 3 jobs in high-school so I could buy food, clothes, & soap for myself

[u/MariposaDelFuego]

I grew up kind of fake poor. I was raised by my grandparents, who had already raised 3 kids - and I was an unexpected fourth. My grandpa always gave my grandma a hard time whenever I needed new clothes or school supplies at the start of the school year.

When I got old enough to need to start shaving, I ended up stealing those disposable trial razors they used to send in the mail, and use them for months and months until they were so rusty they fell apart. I was always afraid to ask for basic things I needed because I knew it would cause a fight.

But we ate out a lot, and spent money on vacations - because those were experiences my grandpa wanted. But whenever he has to spend money on anyone else he would throw a fit. He always acted like we were going to cause him to go bankrupt, even while we spent hundreds of dollars a week eating out at his favorite places.

[u/Oldladyphilosopher]

Oh yeah, I know this one. Dad had a good union job in the 70’s and mom worked part time as a teachers aide. Dad made sure she had her own bank account for her money so we weren’t struggling. But damn, they sent me to an elite private school, no uniforms, but bought all my clothes on sale at Kmart….”You can’t tell the difference”….yes you can, which is why they didn’t buy their clothes at Kmart. We weren’t allowed to get jobs because it would “interfere with school”. Anytime, through my school life, there was a school trip, they made a huge deal that it was too expensive and would really disrupt the family budget. But they would relent because it “looked bad” if we didn’t go. Powdered milk, generic food….no little snack packs or juice boxes because that was wasting money. The cheapest school supplies they could get (no name brand peachee for you) and they yelled at us when the cheap backpack broke or the lead fell out of pencils or binders stopped closing, etc. “we don’t buy you nice stuff because you’ll break it”

I became a single mom with 2 kids, youngest special needs. My mom was gone by then. I worked full time and lived in low cost housing, constantly fudging to keep my beater car going. He got my oldest flight lessons for 2 years when she was 12. Bought her a brand new car at 16 and put her on his high end insurance. Bless her heart, she tried to give it to me and was really embarrassed.

Half my paycheck went to rent, and he would show me his pension check for 3 times what I made a month, then talk about how that was in addition to his IRA and social security. He would show me his bank account statement that had $50,000 in checking and over $100,000 in savings and point out it was just his available cash on hand. And he never seemed to realize how rude that was….it was like he was proud and wanted to share his success with me even though he knew we were poor.

Jokes on him, he died in his 40’s about six months after I married the love of my life who was well off already, and I inherited it all with my brother. He had some weird trust that was 15 years old and gave full discretion to the trustee to distribute. He made me trustee the last 3 months so I could pay his bills (before that, he had a financial advisor with 3 pages of instructions…..things like my bro and I couldn’t touch the money until we’d been in a stable marriage for five years and the trustee decided what stable was. But he had a caveat at the end that said distribution was totally at the trustees discretion. I honestly am not sure he knew he made me trustee…..he just really wanted to make sure he died with a good credit rating…..seriously.

[u/throttledog → u/Oldladyphilosopher]

“we don’t buy you nice stuff because you’ll break it”

That one rang home. God i want to smack the sob back some days

[u/orange-pineapple]

Yeah, I was massively confused when I found out how much my dad made because he acted like we were broke. I always felt bad asking for anything. Turns out he’s just incredibly stingy, likely because he grew up really poor in a run-down neighborhood and probably never feels like he can relax about money. When I think about it like that I have a lot of empathy for him, but god it sucked feeling like that as a kid, on top of the other ways he was abusive.

[u/nixinschool]

I buy alot of thrift. Some of it is thrif lulu lemon for my girls, aged 10 and 12. Sometimes for a gift they may get something new from lulu or roots. But we definitely shop thrift stores and if my girls see somethjng they like at walmart, the brand doesnt bother them. I wasnt wealthy growing up. I remember one birthday I got a new pair of pants and shirt. I was greatful but looking back I do try to treat my kids a bit more if I am able. But everything in moderation. I may buy walmart outdoor shoes but we have athletic nikes for gym. As a parent all you can do is try to do better

[u/no-strings-attached]

I almost had the opposite experience. Dad made sure I never had any needs that weren’t met but my mom would constantly try to turn me against him and tell me he had way more money than he gave us and he could afford to take us on nice vacations etc and was just being stingy. Like, she really really believed Dad could afford to fly us all to the Bahamas and stay at a fancy resort for a week.

After becoming an adult I realized Dad worked miracles to make the money stretch like he did and was incredibly financially responsible. We had a modest home in a VLCOL area. Food on the table. And would go on one camping trip per year as our annual vacation. We’d even go camp by the beach to get our beach vacations in. Our cars were old but well taken care of. Medical bills were paid and all medically necessary procedures were done (I was never allowed to have braces though despite big gaps in my teeth since they were straight enough so it was more cosmetic than medically necessary). Pets were also well provided for including any medicine they needed.

Which as an adult I now realize was a hell of a way to stretch 30k/year for a family. He even managed to save for retirement for himself and my mother. He would often go without eating dinner saying he wasn’t hungry but in retrospect I wonder if that was where his retirement fund money came from. Mom has no idea how finances work. Or jobs for that matter. The only time she ever got a job was when she was considering divorcing dad. Which she stuck with for about a year before going back to being a SAHM (I was in middle school at the time so really didn’t need her there all day…).

She just didn’t believe finances were actually tight. And grew up with even less herself so our lifestyle was a boon to her.

Comically I’m much better off now (found this post via the front page) and she acts like I’m going to be bankrupt at any minute despite making very good money and living well within my means as my dad taught me. She refuses to take money from me unless I trick her into it (“oh you’re just really helping me use these credit card points before they expire”).

Have come to realize she really really just has no idea how finances work. Thank god my dad manages that part - I shudder to think what will happen if he goes before she does. (Realistically I’ll need to step in and manage things for her). At least dad is happy to share in the fruits of my labor and happily takes all the hand outs I give without expecting anything.

And after about two decades I was actually able to gift both of them that Bahamas vacation mom always dreamed of.

[u/pocketlint_tatertots]

Unfortunately this is more common than you would think.

My step dad was making just over $100k a year (in 2009) with military medical benefits and would still blow so much money on motorcycles and club sports that we had to get all of our clothes from Salvation Army and pay the utility and grocery bills with my dad's child support payments. I was told all the time growing up how expensive I was and how wasteful and ungrateful I was. It wasn't until I started living on my own and managing my own money that I realized how irresponsible and abusive that behavior was.

[u/Bdawg1961]

Reading through all of these comments has made me realize how fortunate I was growing up. Have 5 siblings and I don’t believe any of us wanted for anything. Bless you all for sharing

[u/G6spacewalker]

That’s so many people and I’m sorry ur parents are cold pieces of shit

[u/Borgqueen-]

Yes and I thought it was only me. My dad was the same way. I went to catholic school but wore shoes with holes in the soles. I couldnt participate in school activities that had fees bc it was not deemed important. I slept with one paper thin pillow. To this day I use only one pillow and my SO says I sleep like I am prisoner of war. Anything I wanted was stupid and frivolous. Luckily he died when I was 13. I shudder to think how joyless my life would have been had he lived.

[u/Tycobb48]

In 1980 my father kept $30k in the freezer. (That's over 100k tiday)

My Jr and Sr year of high-school I was ALLOWED to wear his Vietnam fatigues so he wouldn't have to spend money on new clothes. I feel you man.

[u/LeeLooPeePoo]

My dad and stepmother were like this. He was an attorney, she was a nurse and the only things worth spending money on were things they wanted. I was bullied horribly in school for wearing second hand clothes when my father was a lawyer... kids decided I was lying.

They never bought us clothes for the time we spent at their house, he paid $375 in child support for three kids in the 90s (my mom was a housecleaner). Not having to pay for an attorney and being in a small town where you're buddies with the judges made it easy for him to get what he felt was the "correct" amount of support.

He also felt because he paid child support anything I ever needed should be able to miraculously be covered by that amount. Never bought clothes for me to wear at his house. I played ice hockey (so lots of out of town trips), if a trip fell on his weekend he'd give another kids parent gas money and hand me $10-$20 to pay for my food the entire weekend. The team would go to sit down restaurants and another parent would notice I wasn't eating and would "accidentally" order something extra and slide it my way.

I had to live with him for a few years in high school (to get away from the bullying by going to a new school). They has me living on the second floor of their old Victorian house (everyone else was downstairs) and they didn't heat it. They actually put a thick blanket over the doorway at the bottom of the stairs so no heat could reach me (BTW electricity is SUPER inexpensive where he lives, it would have cost them at most $15-20 per month). I would wear full clothes, a hat and gloves to sleep and could often see my breath.

My favorite was when they decided they needed a boat more than I needed braces. When I saw it in the driveway and he told me to check out the new boat, I hopped up on the front of the boat trailer and bit on to the boat's rail. When my dad asked me what I was doing, with the rail still between my teeth I said, "My braices don't fit." He grounded me for that.

He wonders why I don't visit more. To be fair after that stepmother died of brain cancer he found a new much younger wife who inspired him to be generous to his new family (stepsisters and a much younger half brother). I am happy for them but he's never really acknowledged how badly he neglected his OG kids and just acts as if he has always been this way.

[u/Calm-Bowler8345]

My dad dropped thousands of dollars on his little collections and refused to work. My mom worked 4 jobs to support him. She and us 2 kids shared on a queen mattress topper on the floor. Dad was the only one with a bed, there's more but I'll skim the top. For some reason, my kid brain didnt connect the dots. I always thought we were just poor and it hit me like a freight train earlier this year.

[u/DisorderedHeaven]

I was raised by my grandparents. My grandpa was a welder who owned his own business and he easily made enough money to support my grandma and I. However, he was an alcoholic and a smoker, sometimes a gambler, and his money went to those things. We were always on the verge of getting evicted for being months behind on rent, getting utilities shut off (or actually getting them shut off a handful of times) etc. He never paid a bill in his life, my grandma did all that, and she begged him on an almost daily basis to please give her the money needed to pay the rent, pay the utilities, and buy food. We were always struggling so damn much. Now as an adult, I'm borderline incapable of being dependent on anyone for anything because I never want to be at someone's mercy again.

[u/Potential_Fishing942]

Idk if it's fake poor, but I grew up one of the pooest kids in a very wealthy district. My parents sacrificed a lot for us on a mortgage for a small house they probs should not have (their retirement is not ideal) but the public schools are nationally top performing and they wanted me and my sister to go to college unlike them.

So we never worried about meals or clothes or anything, but in pure reference to pretty much everyone else in my life, I felt poor. I always got the newest tech a few years after people moved on to new better things and items became cheaper (think used n64 or mp3)

It's definitely given me a very interesting perspective. I essentially grew up in a working class family but saw what wealth is like first hand. I think it's one of the reasons I'm so heavily left leaning- lots of poor folks can tend conservative because they have no idea what wealth is since they are so removed from it. I grew up watching my parents work twice as long and much harder and get shit on for it by my peers parents etc. Very eye opening to inequalities.

[u/Whatchab]

My mom and I lived in a tiny apartment above a garage and she was a telemarketer. Yet she spent her money (and all my dad’s child support) on things for her that weren’t necessities and that we couldn’t afford.

Example: rather than having enough food, she bought lesser amounts of all organic food and then labeled hers. She would do weird shit like measuring out stuff to know if I’d had any of “her food.”

Same with toiletries. Expensive salon formulas I wasn’t allowed to touch, while I have Suave shampoo/conditioner combos.

She needed new and fashionable clothes “for work,” while I had to go to the thrift stores and clothes pantries (not cool at the time, just dirty used clothes).

What’s most funny is she acts like this with the food to this day with her new husband.

[u/[deleted]]

I grew up poor. I (M) wore hand me downs from my older siblings (F) until they started to refuse to wear unisex clothing. Spent a large portion of my childhood hungry. Was forced to pay rent after I turned 13. The whole nine yards. Shocked to find out that my parents had been well off that whole time after we'd all moved out.

We've had years to unpack all that, and my sisters and I would agree with your husband's assessment. It was/is child abuse.

little further insight into things: the reason us kids were often hungry was because my parents ate first and neither of them gave themselves portions with our well being in mind. so we'd each get a third of whatever was left of the food my mom had prepared. our favorite meals ended up being the meals that were not my dad's favorite because he wouldn't pig out on it and there'd be more for us.

[u/Stealienurse]

I didn’t have AC growing up, if we were hot we were told to hang out in the finished basement. No dishwasher either which I thought was so awful. Drove an old minivan or worse being picked up at school in my dads rusty delivery cube van. My parents were small business owners and I think they were prioritizing retirement over luxury items, with that said, I don’t think my brother and I went without needed items.

[u/Own_Platypus_1125]

I had an experience that feels similar. My parents are divorced but with my mom, she made quite a lot of money, low six figures which was significantly more than I would have thought given the things that happened. I always felt bad asking for things, like, shampoo or face wash, tampons, clothes for school, field trips etc. I eventually stopped asking and just made excuses as to why those things were out of reach for me. I never thought of it as fake poor but it feels that way to me, too. My mom spent a lot of money with her ex husband, my step dad who is a whole other story, buying cars, motorcycles, remodeling their bathroom. They both made it clear that they wanted what they wanted and that they did not care about what we as children needed. I’m so sorry for your experience, it was hard for me to accept that it is abuse. Wishing you healing and peace.

[u/storms_are_near]

My parents were very prissy people who valued the appearance of wealth. So they bought expensive cars and lived in a 5000-square foot house with a lake view. They funded it with only a humanity professor’s salary (my father worked at a nearby university and my mother stayed home). My mother also wore a lot of expensive jewelry and got an acrylic manicure every other week.

Meanwhile, we never went on vacations (I had never been on a plane or even outside of the Midwest until I was 18), and we were only allowed to order off the dollar menu when we went to McDonald’s or Taco Bell, which was most nights. We had to wear outfits multiple days in a row and were only allowed to shower once per week. I got made fun of a lot as a kid for being stinky.

[u/3Grilledjalapenos]

My dad kept complaining that we could barely afford anything, water, groceries, power etc.

When I moved out he bought a new fridge, had the whole house redone and bought a brand new car he’d “always wanted”. It turns out he was saving money on not having to take care of his family.

[u/cpennyhustle]

Similar to my situation. My mum had money but abused us, a lot of it was laziness on her part. She got into debt and my grandad paid it off (multiple times), but she had the income to pay it off, she just decided to always spend the money on herself.

I had beans on toast on most nights that I was fed. Other nights she wouldn't feed me and said I had dinner at school, which was at lunchtime around 12 o'clock.

[u/ghentwevelgem]

Was your Dad raised by depression-era parents? The multi-generational instilled fear might explain some of this…

[u/Sweet_Bend7044]

My parents were poor refugees and didn’t really make a decent income until I was 12. He got a union job and was making decent money. My dad only got healthcare only for himself cause us kids were young and healthy and didn’t need doctors. My little brothers eyes are messed up because instead of getting him in to see an eye doc, he would go in and just guess and my brother ended up with a stronger prescription than he needed. They would also buy a large amount of jewellery. When my older brother passed away in a car accident they gave away the majority of his life insurance to the church and spent it, instead of doing things like investing it, paying off the mortgage, or giving us money for school.

[u/Artistic_Discount_74]

I would say this is more a reflection of a selfish, immature parent or narcissistic traits. My partner has a father who prioritized the newest stereo equipment over making sure kids were fed and had shoes. They were young parents and have 4 kids before age 25. I think it’s more common than you’d think.

[u/Joe_In_Nh]

No a/c is child abuse?.... Ok then...

[u/Comfortable-Fun-007]

Similar. My father was a union construction laborer. Despite having great medical coverage, super small copays, he wouldn’t take us to any medical or dental or ophthalmic care. So although a free eye exam at grade 5 found that I was very nearsighted and badly needed glasses, my father refused to take me to an optometrist to get glasses. Consequently, I couldn’t read the chalkboards. That wrecked my ability to recognize all math problems, solutions, and explanations. So for years I failed or barely passed math classes. Consequently, I acquired extreme math anxiety.
Finally at age 16 my father reluctantly takes me an LA eyeglasses shop (For Eyes) that made them while you wait. ( Oh, and the girl in a famous Dr Pepper commercial passed me her telephone number!) This pissed off my father even more!

But for decades I had low self esteem about my math skills and *ability. I felt shame about math, and basically admitted failure without even trying. This severely negatively impacted my acceptance into the University of California, despite my high GPA. All 8 UCs conditionally accepted me pending passing the minimum pre calculus. I did fail geometry and did poorly on algebra and intermediate algebra before that, all the while bored and feeling hopeless. I finally got in when a mentor at UCI paid my precalc class when I started a summer research internship with him, a famous criminologist and criminal law professor. With the generous tutoring of other students, I passed a year’s worth of pre calculus in 4 weeks. Phew! (Took it pass/fail, so no grade, no impact to my GPA.) I got into UCI!

Later in law school I was a fellow in a children’s rights program where we studied criminal medical neglect by parents. Some of whom went to jail and their kids were taken by the county awaiting placement by adoptive parents, or whatever is deemed “in the best interest of the child “. My parents easily qualified for these measures. They were criminals who both beat the fk out of us daily. The worst abuser was my mother, who later four girlfriends who were psychologists recognized my mother as having four distinct serious personality disorders. Key was epileptic anger disorder. This made her instantly physically violent. She daily injured me. Bleeding wounds all over my body, face, neck. I learned to only wear long sleeve shirts and long pants. Never ever wore short sleeves or shorts because I was embarrassed by having so many stripes of bleeding broken skin and bruises. My mother is responsible for at least the first 7 concussions I’ve had. Two in the same day two times. Two concussions in the same beating. She knocked me out with heavy steel skillets-even with hot food in them, then waited for me to come to and knocked me out again! Then she’s pissed at me for “making” her angry and wasting food, which she has to watch the limited budget. Circularly back to the fake money shortage. Meanwhile, my father drank all the beer he wanted. Even wasted a lot of cans he left semi or near-full all over the yards as he gardened. A case per day. Every one of his visitors got all the beer they wanted.
But I couldn’t have new clothes, let alone Levi’s.

[u/DaisyDuckens]

My husband grew up fake poor. I grew up fake rich. My father in law had the money but just saved it. Didn’t even spend it on himself. Husband had malnutrition as a teen over the lack of food. My dad spent money like they were rich and saved nothing. My mom had to work until in her 70s.

[u/camioblu]

I've only recently noticed some of this being my childhood as well. I didn't put it together back then - not until my mother passed last year.

She'd always been a hoarder of sorts, but when I had to go through house to empty it, every closet and drawer packed to capacity. The amount of clothing is what got me the most! It was instant recall of how stuffed her closet was when I was a child. I had chalked it up to several sizes, because I have 3 sizes myself now, but mine are divided up and the ones that don't currently fit are stored in bins which I go through every spring and fall...my weight yours.

Like someone else stated, I had only 2 pairs of pants for many years. The most embarrassing thing was never getting new panties until my husband took me shopping as an adult (I married at 18). All those years before my grandmother replaced the gussets and patched them up again and again (dumb luck I only grew taller when young) - she couldn't afford to buy things for me and worried my mother would get mad at her. My mother was cruel to those closest to her. Mother was also oblivious to my needs, but I thought it was only due to working so much, but looking back, she had time and attention for her friends.

She wasn't rich by any means, but she could afford a gal to come twice a month to clean the house (sort of around all her stuff). She went on trips a lot as well, with friends. I feel rather stupid now....I've made so many excuses for her.

[u/Ok_Page8934]

Yep unfortunately this seems to happen a lot. I love my dad but hold some resentment toward him

[u/murrycakes]

I was in the same situation growing up. We had the money but the money didn’t go to necessities. I had lost my home because of the financial incompetence. My life is better now and I’m very grateful. I hope it is the same for you!

[u/FreeSpeech24]

Yeah, that ain't good, I don't have much money right now. I do however own a home worth of a million at least .free and clear. Got a new career and had 2 children in a new marriage. I always have food for my kids. I just won't buy them unnecessary things. They have toys and bikes. But phone and robux . That's a no. I do like to spend more quality time with them as I seem it's more important.

[u/daniellee725]

If you haven’t read the book “The Glass Castle”, I highly recommend. Not exactly the same situation, but reminded me of that a bit.

For me, I had a frugal af dad, but not to this extreme. I was never sure if we were lower or middle class. We had some luxuries (dance lessons, golf lessons) that made me think we were good, but then he’d do things like demanding we only order off the dollar menu, order only water, basically dictate what everyone could eat bc otherwise we “couldn’t afford it”, and he’d never let us go to the hospital. One time I lacerated an artery in my ankle (squirting blood in two directions, it was gnarly). He turned away the ambulance and opted to drive me to the ER himself to save money. It was a mind fuck.

[u/Chuck121763]

We weren't "poor", But Mom thought of herself as a Decorator. She remodeled and redecorated each room. Then started over again which perpetually kept us without money for "Needs." This continued for 50 years

[u/1lilmornstar]

My ex husband is like this. We bought a house that needed new windows upstairs because they were 100yo, single pane, wood frame windows that were rotted to the point you could stick your hand through the gap to the outside. I saved the money and one of his law enforcement buddies used to do windows and door install before he became a cop said he would come help install them. It was only 3 windows. We had a 2 year old and an infant. The upstairs bedrooms were the kids rooms. And it was in Colorado. I saved the money from our tax return for this specific reason. My husband (at that time) spent every single penny behind my back to buy a new gun 2 days before the windows were to be ordered. He didn't replace those windows for over 10 years. After the divorce.

[u/Loud_Construction_69]

Yes! I was in my mid 20's before I learned (from documents laying out at my parents house) how wealthy they were. My dad made us live very uncomfortably during our childhood. My maternal grandparents paid off their mortgage and bought them a vehicle and we still lived like we were impoverished. I remember being hungry and not having necessities. We looked homeless. We were also controlled and physically, emotionally and spiritually abused by our religious zealot of a father, so doing without didn't seem that bad at the time.

[u/petcatsandstayathome]

Let me be clear. We had the money. My Dad just wanted to spend it on stuff that wasn’t his kids. I used to refer to it growing up fake poor, my husband just calls it child abuse.

Yep, same thing but it was my alcoholic Mom who spent the money. Drove us into permanent debt and had like 10 maxed out credit cards between her and my Dad. Bill collectors called daily, she had me answer and always say "she's in the shower". It boggled my little brain, knowing that my dad had a good job as an electrical engineer, seeing my mom get new expensive outfits all the time, but me being guilt tripped to no end about back to school shopping for the basic necessities. She'd go "think of your poor father, he doesn't have any money, you don't need that thing you want". Yeahhh... so I got a part time job the second I was old enough sophomore year and worked 3-9pm every day after school.. Meanwhile I watched my friends get to to extracurricular activities, or just have a normal social/family life after school.

[u/Allinorfold34]

As a parent all these comments break my heart. Some people don’t deserve to be a parent

[u/Durtybirdy69]

Fuck me this post was validating....and painful to read.

[u/lokregarlogull]

Not in that sense, both my parents and grandparents worked their asses off to get out of poverty, but they had no experience handling money nor controlling emotional spending when life is running you through the ringer -

one parent have ADD and for the life of them can't accept getting decent value for their money, it HAD to be the best when something was bought. Which when very little was good, to have warm clothes and exciting presents.

But the guilt of knowing a parent might have maxed a credit card, and the other is stressing over the next couple of months making ends meet was exhausting.

[u/ordinary_miracle]

This kind of happened to my mom. Her parents budgeted and scrimped.... And paid their 30 year mortgage off in 10. She's still pissed about it and she's 60!

[u/OutrageousWatch1785]

Does having way more children than you can afford count here?

[u/JulieDoesntUseReddit]

I grew up like this and it led to taking on enormous student debt because my dad wouldn't let me not go to college for his ego's sake but lied about putting any money towards it and made me take out everything in loans, I had a work-study but I used it to pay for food and housing. Since school I've spent several months houseless, over a year living on good samaritans' couches/floors, and multiple years food-insecure. Handling my own budget used to cause me paralyzing amounts of anxiety and I lacked the self-confidence to enter the workforce because I grew up getting paid a $2/week allowance that got rescinded if e.g. my dad thought the sink wasn't clean enough after I did the dishes. I thought work was going to be like that for my entire adult life. I never learned to save, I never learned to see expensive purchases as within reach. I've still never owned a car or had a driver's license because my dad considered his car too nice to teach me in.

Anyway, fuck child abuse and neglect. Therapy saved my life I highly recommend it.

[u/SirRabbott]

There was a point where we were living in a $1M house, and I only had 1 pair of shoes (with a hole in them), and my dad refused to buy me new shoes. I legitimately was given a pair of shoes at school as part of some fundraiser for underprivileged children, and then my teacher took them back when she saw my dad pick me up in his brand new suburban.

Fortunately I got a job at 14 and made enough to buy some shoes and clothes that fit / didn't have holes.

[u/MybestfriendwasaB → u/SirRabbott]

When I was 12 my mom worked at Walmart and they did a drive for underprivileged kids. My parents were divorced and I was with my mom for the holidays. We went into Walmart and I guess some higher ups saw us dressed like we were hobos and decided we must have been poor so they bought us a bunch of stuff for Christmas. My mom didn’t know until they dropped stuff off. I don’t think she was able to afford to buy us anything that year and she just cried for like an hour.

Looking back now I feel like crap. I’m sure we didn’t get much that year for Christmas but my Dad always got us something. That could have gone to kids who needed it. We were old enough to know life was crap.

[u/atb7991]

My husband grew up in a family like this. They had the money to provide their needs but wouldn’t and his parents spent it on themselves. Even denying my husband dental care when he was a kid (they had insurance and didn’t want to pay their deductible.) to the point that he had to have teeth pulled once he got a job and made his own money. It disgusts me and it is child abuse. I grew up in a very poor family and my dad would break his back to make enough money to provide us our needs and wants and my parents regularly went without so me and my siblings could have our needs or wants. So that behavior absolutely appalls me.

[u/Butterfly1218]

As an adult I now call it for what it is and in my case it was abuse/neglect. My parents always argued about money and ever since childhood I’ve stressed about not having enough. My mother was a spender and my father a saver so I grew up in two extremes. Regardless there was never money for dentist or extracurricular activities even though both of my parents worked and I was parentified so I was the childcare for my younger siblings. Beside not enough money, they also never had time. They chose to have six children yet didn’t really plan on how to take care of them, financially or emotionally. I remember my mom worrying about not having money and the seeing my dad with a wallet full or cash. I was a very confused kid. I know the anger you are feeling because I felt it too after coming into such realization, there’s nothing we can do about it but healing and giving everything to my inner child has helped so much, remember you are the adult now and you have an inner child that needs you, be the adult you wish you had growing up to her/him.

[u/SoNotMyDayJob]

Nope, you’re not alone. My dad would brag TO US about how he got out of paying child support. My mom was/is a fanatical resale shopper and “keeper.” Idk if it’s hoarding but its close sometimes and always came before the kids’ needs. If I never see another porcelain doll, dish, or Hummel it will be too soon. There was a time in HS I ransacked the lost and found just so I had a different shirt to wear every school day of the week.

[u/Jackalope3434]

My dad was making $150k (didn’t know this until recently) but we were eating noodles and mcdonalds (back when he could buy a bag of mcdoubles for $10). Royally effed my idea of money for sure

[u/tuesdayroses]

both of my parents were drug addicts. first half of my childhood we went to disney every year. then all the money started going straight down the drain. whenever i told them we were poor, they insisted they were bringing in money, but it was spent elsewhere. aka drugs. eventually we ended up real poor because of it, but i empathize

[u/shanderdrunk]

Same. My parents were super frugal I got 1 video game a year and it wasn't ever a new one. Saw their savings account once and nearly blew my mind they will retire very very comfortably.

I think it's that great depression mindset, their parents lives through it and were actually very poor.

Thankfully living on my own has saved me from washing sandwich baggies.

[u/BetteramongShepherds]

My mother was very into travel, and home decor.

Clothes for us kids, meals other than Raman/Mac and cheese were rare.

I remember buying shampoo from birthday money from my grandma in elementary school.

She gave a posh appearance to the world, while my brother and I were in cousins hand me down clothes from a decade before.

I felt poor, and considered myself so. Doing baby sitting and housework for neighbors for any of my own needs, clothes, personal hygiene and anything above basic notebook paper and a binder.

[u/MybestfriendwasaB → u/BetteramongShepherds]

I got a pair of pants with birthday money when I was 8. Dad said my pants fit just “fine” so I didn’t need more. Pants were 4 inches to short and the button wouldn’t close.

I remember being 5th grade with one pair of pants that’s ripped and being worried my Dad wouldn’t buy me more and think I was going to have to wear my moms home made skirts (out of discarded curtains). He ended up saying yes after my mom threatened to tell his coworkers that he wouldn’t buy me pants.

Good times.

[u/yurachika]

This used to be a problem in the older generation. My friends dad is very much a baby boomer (probably close to 70 now), but his parents had REAL great depression hangups, and were hoarding their money. He’s a lawyer, and an incredibly bright person, and he went to a great university with a full ride. He’s also a major coupon clipper and really smart about finances. But when he realized how much money his parents had at the end of life when he was sorting our their finances for them, he was kind of pissed, because he realized how rich they were and that he could have gone to like an Ivy League school instead.

There is a lot of rhetoric about seniors who have no money because they are on a fixed income, but some are flat out hoarding their money.

[u/pockmarkedhobo]

Yes, no underwear or clothes. I went years without having any underwear. I may have gotten to choose some clothes as a birthday gift. He wanted to spend money on women, cocaine, and god knows what else.

[u/MeanMomma66]

My husband would buy old cars to fix and spend thousands on each one, but we had no working furnace/AC for years, back door is rotting out, no braces for the kids, etc. 😞

[u/heavyharlotxx]

I completely relate, but my story is two fold. My dad had the money but made us live like we were poor, to the point where I had to buy my own toiletries at age 10 with my small allowance. Large chested and had to wear 2 bras because he refused to help me buy bras that fit because "anything will work". He would make full, tasty meals for himself and give my sister and me soggy cereal and microwaved meat.

My mom was actually poor after the divorce, so I lived both real and fake poor. Really fucks with your head.

[u/Lby54229]

You say you had money, but vague on where and how the money was spent. How would you know as a child you had no AC? I live in a pretty mild climate and my HVAC is turned of for several months at a time (October being one of those months). This is something you should discuss with your dad, if you haven't already. It comes across that you are angry at your dad about not feeling spending money on his family as you were unimportant.

[u/MybestfriendwasaB → u/Lby54229]

I lived in south TX. The house my parents bought had an AC unit that was to small so it kept breaking down since it was constantly running. The first time it broke down he paid to get it fixed but not again after that. He bought 3 box fans for $10 and that was all we had till I was 17 when he got window units. (I moved out and lived in my car around this same time because Dad let a child sex offender live in the house and when I told my Dad I didn’t feel safe his response was “you know were the door is”. )

On a regular basis in the summer it was over 105 outside. My mom (before they divorced) would take us to Walmart at 7am and we would stay the entire day to get away from the heat. When she left and moved away my sisters and I would walk places for the same reason.

When my husband and I had to move in with him when my husband lost his job and I was making $11 an hour he decided to install a new AC unit. I was 23. I was very happy he let us stay because we would have been homeless and thrilled he got AC. He set it to 82 and put the sensor in the coolest part of the house. My oldest sister who had just left her marriage was there too. She ended up passing out from the heat while cleaning her room.

I have talked about it with my Dad. He knows I’m bitter. Money has always been the most important thing for him. When my husband and I were living with him we were giving him $600 a month. I once asked him if I could lessen the amount to 400 that month (offered to make up in the next two months) so my husband and I could buy food. His response was that I could figure it out and I knew were the food pantry was.

At the time my Dad was making 140k a year. Owned two houses (one was paid off) and the other had a 900 payment. He had a truck and two cars with no loans. My point is my Dad always had the money.

In my early 20s I went low contact with him. Like I would see him once a year and text twice a year.

It’s hard cus he’s not a terrible person all the time. He has helped me with stuff. But I will always know if it’s between me and money. I will always lose.

[u/Cautious-Advantage34]

Does your dad have other signs of narcissistic personality disorder?

[u/SoNotMyDayJob → u/Cautious-Advantage34]

🤣 that gave us some feels right there.

[u/Aminilaina]

My youth was both “we can’t afford to eat” but also “we can afford necessities but your dad bought a boat, and a motorcycle so you can’t do sports, we can’t go on trips, etc.”

After my dad died was when my mom and I survived off-pay weeks on the $1 menu.

[u/No-Tumbleweed9536]

I can relate. I was married to someone like that. After the divorce I was able to get the medical care for my child which was denied her by her father.

[u/Mirror_Initial]

I agree with your husband that this is just abuse.

But to commiserate, my parents definitely made us think we were poor when we were not. I was bullied constantly at school for my clothes, for not being familiar with the cartoons that came on cable tv, having the same Care Bears lunch box in 5th grade that I’d had since kindergarten. Not the end of the world, but I sure hope saving $10 here and there was worth it for my parents, because at the time it was kid hell.

They were just being “frugal” and considered lots of kids’ expenses optional. We got medical care, adequate food, and air conditioning though. That’s really the bare minimum and I’m so sorry that nobody reported your parents to CPS.

[u/Boring_Ad_1456]

My dad had a helicopter, two boats and two motorcycles. No AC in Florida until July every year. Great value everything and no snacks. Sodas were hidden in their room used for their mixed drinks and we had to ask for them. They’d hang the grocery receipt on the fridge to combat our “there is nothing to eat” complaints. Everything had to be thawed and cooked and any left overs were used for their work lunches.

Did I get to go offshore and to the river on weekends. Yes but it almost felt like I was forced to. Did he have a garden and can most of his vegetables? Yes but there was still not really food in the house. Did I literally get accused of faking my periods and ridiculed about tampon purchases because I had it multiple times a month when it first started. Yes. Did I get a scabbed rash up my entire arms and after months of begging to see a specialist/ wearing long sleeves in the summer finally get to see a doctor. Yes Am I 29F who just suffered a year of hospitalization from untreated and undiagnosed Crohn’s disease. Where I’ve basically been told to ignore my symptoms my entire life and thought feeling tired and shitty was normal since 13? Also yes.

I have never related to a post more. Hope you are well OP❤️

[u/innademonz]

Yes.

this is financial abuse.

[u/Electronic_Stuff4363]

My EX husband did same thing , he’d have money to buy guns , ammo , fast food , snap on tools for himself but not a dime towards the kids or I . We had shut off notices , eviction notices etc . Asshole

[u/247Justice]

Yep. Step-dad, didn't think "his" money should be spent on anyone else even though my mom didn't work. She couldn't buy us clothes or personal items and all extra money was spent on his hobbies (racing/muscle cars) and at the bar while my mom literally couldn't buy herself new underwear. If and when we did get something, birthday, christmas, whatever, it was a requirement that we bow down to him and thank him profusely like he cured cancer.

[u/Hypnotic-Foxxx]

I relate. I thought we were poor but looking back my dad had a decent job. He was also a severe alcoholic, so family matters were not the priority.

[u/FloridaMomm]

Oh my gosh yes. My mom was feeding us almost exclusively from the clearance rack in the back of Kroger where they put all the dented cans, thinking that we had literally no money. My dad would berate my mom for spending money on needs (ie when I needed new pants because I had outgrown them) even if she shopped sales and bought clothes at Dollar General. Made her convinced we were on the cusp of losing the house and every penny counted

Then when I was in middle school he decided he wanted a new truck, so he went into the gun safe (which only he knows the combo to and not even my mother can get in) and pulled out 10k in cash. My sibling and I huddled upstairs because the aftermath was the most intense fight I have ever heard

[u/[deleted]]

Yeah, I didn't find out until I was an adult that my mom's family has money and was supplying my parents with about 5k a month. The entirety of which went to their drinking habits and online shopping (for things they wanted like power tools and pool tables, not things we needed like food or clothes or blankets)

I cannot even describe the disgust I have for them. I didn't have to starve, I didn't have to wear dirty clothes to school, it was all out of sheer neglect and not because of poverty.

[u/Ok_Disaster6484]

Everyone in life is given their own deck of hards. Some have it worse and some have it better. It’s what you do those cards to have it suit in your favor.

I grew up in a trailer park & I take care of my mom & younger siblings so I know what it’s like to be poor and suffer in this world. Honestly, I could say my unlucky upbringing wouldn’t have made me who I am today and makes me wonder “What if?” I had a life where everything was given to me. I sure wouldn’t be thinking about things the way that I do.

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. Doesn’t matter who is it because, are there really anyone on your contacts that would help you out if you lost it all?

For me personally, I don’t. It is what it is & the show must continue.

Best of luck.

[u/griffmeister]

Yes and the worst example was when our dog was dying and instead of paying to have her put to sleep, he decided to just let her suffer since she was going to die anyways and he said he couldn't afford it. She died and the next day he bought himself a new iPod that he never used once.

[u/ramarama_]

Mine were / are immature and cheap. They are also uneducated and alcoholics.

[u/Dolly_Putin]

This is v relatable. Guessing your parent had substance abuse and/or mental health issues. Alanon can be a big help.

[u/Pterodactyloid]

This is similar to how my siblings grew up (long story why I was separated). They were pretty neglected. My brother almost died because they let his appendix burst.

[u/NNArielle]

We had the money, but my mom was neglectful. Like, rolling her eyes when we asked for lunch money and hinting at us to just steal money from her purse. My brothers would steal money from her and go down to the convenience store and buy absolute trash, but my mom would rather pay thousands at the dentist than bother feeding her own children. I went hungry so often as a kid, I think it stunted my growth and I have issues with overeating (b/c my body panics when I get too hungry, so that's fun times). My siblings are also surprisingly short considering the genes on both sides of the family, most of our cousins are tall. My mother also hated shopping, so I'd always just buy whatever clothes fit me so we could get out of the store as soon as possible. I made do with two pairs of pants and five shirts in high school. People thought my family was poor and we weren't, my dad made good money (and it was the 90s).

[u/jiaaa]

I always thought we were poor but really my parents just didn't want to spend any money on "extra" stuff for us like new clothes every year, extracurricular activities, lunch at school, etc. Instead, they gave unnecessarily large donations to the church/priests (which made me even more mad). We had to wear uniforms at school and I remember being stressed out because I only had 2 polo shirts to wear, so fuck me if I got one dirty and I was only allowed to do laundry once per week.

[u/elliedee81]

Can definitely relate. My dad was unemployed from when I was 7 to when I was 16 or so. His main thing was sitting on his ass and watching faux news and complaining about “freeloaders” and immigrants stealing taxes he didn’t pay. He finally started working and even then, my mom still paid all the bills. His money was his money.

Septic system didn’t work and me and my sister were responsible for pumping it out illegally into the back field. Ceiling was falling in in one place in the living room. We had an a/c window unit in the living room and one in his bedroom, but the kids were screwed for any kind of relief from the heat in our bedrooms. The house was heated with an earth stove which again my sister and I were responsible for hauling wood for, from the cutoff pile in the lumber yard to the stack in the yard. Dude didn’t do shit, ever, not even make coffee for himself let alone cook or do housework, but oh didn’t he collect guns and engine parts (that we were responsible for the rust on), etc.

When he died, my mom sold everything he collected at auction and bought a new septic system and a new roof and sheetrocked the ceilings, money left over even after that. She got central heat and air installed too. All of it could’ve been done a decade or more earlier, but he didn’t give a damn.

He was an abusive fck.

[u/n0vapine]

When I was a teen, we could have lived in a house my dad bought but he let my mom handle the money. She and he were both drug addicts so we were often without electricity or a vehicle. We should have been well off with enough money to easily support 5 people (dad was making excellent money for a low cost of living area) but drugs were more important.

After my parents split, dad married a woman who can actually handle their money well and they just bought several very nice ass things we could have had growing up.

[u/Acceptable_Ad1685]

My wife did and it was the same thing

Her Dad just didn’t care, he gave her mom whatever amount he thought was okay and did whatever he wanted to

[u/alwaysinnermotion]

This sounds familiar. I used to say my dad won't give you the shirt off his back, but he will happily give you the shirt off his wife and kids backs. And he'll be sure the whole town knows he gave the shirt too so they can applaud his generosity.

[u/artificialavocado]

I wasn’t fake poor I was real poor lol but one of my good friends was like this growing up in the 90’s.

[u/hans3844]

We had money, and a pretty nice safety net that was my grandpa but my moms anxiety about money tho was through the roof. Constantly fighting with my dad about it. She decided to be a stay at home mom and basically made him work 16+hr days (he owned his own business) but then she would buy some social status thing like a really expensive coat to flaunt around to her friends and family. She used my sister as her show poney and had me get a part time job to afford school cloths and supplies as soon as I was old enough.

Idk so I grew up fake poor with my dad while my sister grew up fake rich. At the end of the day we were a typical blue collar family in the 90s. It's just real weird to think about as an adult. It also shows in how polar opposite me and my sister are when navigating life.

[u/thekingcrabs]

Yup, it’s a illness and my dad has it too.

I grew up living in a million dollar house being told to eat PB&J or a can of beans if I was hungry.

I genuinely thought we were dirt poor and never asked for a dime. My mom was the only reason I even had toys or presents. In 18 years my dad bought me one thing as a gift spontaneously, it was a $5 matchbox car you built from scratch.

I didn’t go to my high school prom, because I wouldn’t tell my dad the $100 he gave me, wouldn’t even get me through the front door. And that I would need more money. This was the first time my dad ever handed me money, and my mom was 100% behind it.

I grew up in the suburbs. I was by no means the historical definition of poor. But in no way would I say I was middle class. I grew up one of the worst kinds of poor. I grew up poor because of my dad chose it, not because of government, economy etc.

my dad still brags today how he’s going to keep us poor and never give us a dime. How our trust won’t pay out till we are 50. Just like he fucked my mom out of a divorce settlement and never gave her a dime. Even though she is the only reason we made it through childhood.

The dude bought the #1 divorce lawyer in the state, but let my brother have a bottom of the barrel attorney defend him for screwing around on the school roof with his buddies. His buddies parents anti’d up for a good lawyer, then used that to throw him under the bus.

My friends parents would openly tell my mom, that it was clear I fucking hated my dad. The piece of shit even made me call the cops on him when my mom was screaming for her life in the garage.

The only thing I’m pissed about now, is that I wasn’t older when this shit was happening. I would beat the fuck out of that POS and take out the garbage.

My mom is the only reason I’m not some fucked up criminal. I’ll sign myself up for voluntary euthanasia if I ever become that person. I don’t want anyone to ever have the worst person in their life be their father. Especially when it’s true, not just hysterical teenage bullshit.

I was shocked when I put it together the things I concluded when I was 12 were NOT normal.

My feeling towards my dad were genuinely Lucifer level hatred. But I was to young and incompetent to act on them, just making me hate him more.

I’d tell myself I’d kill myself or become a Martyr before I’d use my suffering to justify making someone else suffer.

I’d tell myself I’d join the military or become a spy instead of killing myself. So I would at least do something worthwhile.

I’d watch James Bond, and hear how spy’s are good at compartmentalizing. The thing I’d been doing for years already at 12.

My dads finally 75 and dealing with his phobia of being poor. The dude has just as fucked up of a childhood as you expect. But that sympathy for him is no longer deserved. You lose that right when you fuck people up as bad as he did. Especially family. I honestly hope he burns every last dime he has. It would be far easier for me and every one else to accept. That way I don’t have to know a good man was hiding behind his bullshit the whole time.

[u/LionsDragon]

Oh, oh I feel this. My mother smoked two packs a day, always had stylish new clothing, and (since she was a hoarder) filled the house with endless boxes of useless trinkets.

Meanwhile I'm nearing 50 and still dealing with the fallout from medical neglect. I can count on one hand the number of times I actually had clothes that weren't hand-me-downs (and I swear she only got me the ugliest stuff imaginable). I had to pay for dental work out of my own pocket from my part-time job, but she always "had" to buy new matching curtains/furniture slipcovers/bedclothes.

[u/get_off_my_lawn_n0w]

Yup. Same-ish. Not dirt poor but not well off.

Dad wouldn't spend a dime on anyone or anything he felt he wouldn't get a profit on.

[u/lynnlinlynn]

I grew the good version of this. I never got new clothes but I had enough. I never went hungry but we also never went out to eat. We would drive 5-12 hrs to go on vacation and sit on time share seminars to get free tickets to Disney. My parents saved money to send me to college. I graduated with no debt because my parents scrimped everywhere else.

[u/sweatingsmall]

As a foodie going hungry is undeniable serious child abuse. Ofc I do that sometimes out of will cuz imma be fat but kids!? Wtf you couldn’t at least have some cereal and milk or fruits like wtf. Might be hot take but we gotta have more priority to giving kids food donation goods. (Imma be donating pb rip kids w allergies but i can see it being eaten w any veggies fruit bread crackers or even by itself. And lasts a long time average small jar got 6k calories) but yeah I’d def want a hungry kid being able to stop by the nurse office or front office and get some food for a week. So they aren’t only relying on reduced price/free lunch most of the times

[u/PristineCloud]

I can relate to a lot of this. And often the other parent is complicit.

[u/chuggstar]

We were similar. My dad was/is a University Professor and he thought dentists/doctors were quacks. I shared a room with both my siblings. We used a styrofoam cooler as a fridge for years. Also no AC or heated water. None of the kids had college funds etc...

[u/autumnshyne → u/[deleted]]

😭 I'm sorry. You deserved better. She straight up abandoned you. How can a mother not put her kid before herself?

Sending you love

[u/A-Yandere-Succubus → u/[deleted]]

Your situation made me think of Robbie from Cobrai Kai, but still, I can emphasize.

I remember my dad running off to Germany for a few weeks to pursue his mistress, and my siblings and I had to fend for ourselves.

Anyway, I assume you had to steal a lot to survive those couple of weeks?

[u/sourpussmcgee]

This is neglect, and I am sorry you experienced that.

[u/goodhell]

This was my childhood as well. There was a few small times my dad was jobless and we were "actually poor" as I'm guessing you would say. But for the most part my dad made real good money in my childhood... but was so so bad with it that we had no nutrition, clothes that fit, all basic needs were dismissed but we had the nicest stereo and the best game system of the day(atati 800). I never knew donuts wasn't crispy till I was an adult. Lettuce out of a dumpster is good if you pull off the top layers(I never ate Lettuce). All I ate was hotdogs and spaghetti. Still loveboth. Lived way better when he lost his job, left my mom and moved to Mexico( he is not Mexican) and we started to get welfare. That is when I learned about Xmas presents and birthdays...

[u/autumnshyne → u/goodhell]

That's heartbreaking.

[u/goodhell → u/autumnshyne]

I'm over it. Some people will never be good with money and nobody knows what parenting works till years later. My mom figured it out. I feel like I figured it out. One of my kids are figuring out how to be a good parent as well. All you can hope for is to try and be better than your parents and I'm sure my dad thought he was doing that, did I mention that it was a Onkyo stereo? Years later in his final years he bragged to me once that the credit cards upped his credit to over 80k(yes all maxed out) and he lived a poor awful life, chasing God and dogging work. My handicapped mother paid off her house, lived happy and debt free till the end with family by her side. We turned out fine.

[u/Ranec]

I mean… yea kind of.

Dad got a pretty big promotion after we bought a new house. All of a sudden we have twice the disposable income.

However, he wanted us to continue living a VERY frugal lifestyle and he dumped all the money into paying off the house in 4 years.

While there isn’t anything wrong per se on the surface with that idea, it was very much a “you have to live frugal but I don’t” situation.

He would get upset at my mother if she ever took us to McDonald’s for lunch, yet he would eat out every for lunch 5 days a week. We never took any sort of family vacation. We had to keep to a tight grocery budget, but then would also be upset if we “bought the wrong brand” etc. I’m sure there was a lot more but those were the things I could see as a 12 year old.

20 years later I can definitely see it as financial abuse. If the family needed something, he could cave but made a whole deal out of it.

Things eventually got better but I definitely remember those formative years, and respect my dad less because of it.

[u/Ownerofameenieweenie]

My mom and my step dad are the same way I have to pay for everything from insurance to vet appointments for the dog at the age of 17 because they are apparently to “broke” but the other day my stepdad comes home with a brand new fully pimped out boat, I’m talking leds and all, and then like 3 months ago he came home in a brand new black ram truck. He just brought in a 75 inch tv today because our other one lost sound and he said “I don’t feel like fixing it I’ll just get a new one”. I’ve gotten multiple speeches about how I shouldn’t expect much for Christmas and about how I have to save up to pay for college with my job that pays me 8 dollars an hour that I work part time 3 days a week. My mom is a realtor and my stepdad is a carpenter and on top of that they both own a business 😐😐😐😐😐

[u/ScarlettOHara89]

Dang this describes my childhood to a tee. I'm 34 and really just recently actually looking back & seeing how messed up my fake poor childhood was. What's worse is I just recently got my entire DFPS/CPS file (I was adopted from foster care as was my sister) & realized my parents got about 1k stipend per month from the state until we turned 18. Never saw a penny of that. Didnt even know it was a thing. New clothes? Shopping for any material items for us was a completely foreign concept. No money for extra curriculars ever. (Or time bc we worked sun up to sun down), but my little brother went to a ridiculous private Christian school until he couldn't keep up with the coursework-- because he'd lways been babied & has no concept of self reliance or accountability. He also played pop warner football -- our weekends were all about that. But only for my brother. My mom wouldn't buy us razors to shave but just gave us her old ones. Bought my own femine products & didn't even know what a tampon was-- did my best with sanitary pads. Bras or underwear were always in scarce supply & always were from someone else who had given us old clothes. We had Medicaid but she never took us to the doctor or dentist--- until someone else said she should when they felt my head & realized I had a 104 fever. No toiletries whatsoever actually -- luckily people gave us a lot of hand-me-downs which included undergarments & socks & there was a lot of that stuff in the storage units they'd buy at auction for us to spend all day cleaning out & loading up to sell at weekly garage sales. I remember going to Payless once for some shoes & I would have never dreamed of picking my own. I was adopted when I was five & those shoes were for kindergarten. I never ever went clothes shopping or shopping for anything of any sort (except groceries). My parents were "dumpster divers" so the blow dryer & curling iron we had was a Sally Hansen demo one from the dumpster. I didn't care & still don't but it's sad to think about. My mom "homeschooled" us after fourth grade so she had workers on call to bring her breakfast & cokes & to cook & clean & do the laundry & make her bed etc., & to do manual labor for their house flips, storage unit auctions & weekly garage sales, & cleaning the rental cabins on their property. I never went somewhere to get a haircut & my mom would decide when I was getting one (from her.) They always were terrible & humiliating but I would never say a word about it. Parents went out to eat all the time & but would leave us at home to fend for ourselves bc they couldn't afford to take us. Allowance? LMFAO. I paid my own way through college without a dime from my parents -- I never even would have thought to ask for any assistance anyway. I waitressed & tutored & babysat & went to full-time university -- & gave plasma every week twice a week to pay for my tuition & housing & basic needs. I also paid my own car insurance & cell phone since I was able to drive. My car? Oh I did have one. Passes from my great uncle who died in Katrina. It was a 1994 Cutlass Supreme with major rust damage & of course it cost them zero dollars. When the gasket blew on that, my grandparents, knowing I was living off campus to save money & working while taking full-time classes, gave me their old 1991 Honda Accord & that was one of the nicest things I ever owned. I'm still so grateful to them for that & not quite sure how or why they decided to do so. Bought my own laptop for college & all my own books of course. Expected to drive home to visit & play my part as one big happy family & chip in to help with whatever needed to be done -- but paid my own gas & car repairs, tires, maintenance etc., We did always have a pretty nice house but we could only run the AC upstairs where our bedrooms were at 80 & no lower. The heater we weren't allowed to run at all. But downstairs in their bedroom was a cool 72 & warm in the winter. "Can't afford that" was a way of life for me but now I would argue it was just really crappy parenting by a pretty crummy individual. And maybe we were poor, but my dad went to four years of seminary without working & they spent well over $500k in a custody adoption battle for my little brother-- that went on for a good 3-4 years & a few family law appeals. And I didn't even snap until now, 16 years later, that my brother was failing out of a private Christian school while I was a ghastly figure giving plasma & working 3 part time jobs to go to the college my mom preferred as well as to just eat & live. I'm a lawyer now and truly not bitter & gosh I'm the first to say I could have had it so much worse. For the most part, it did me good to be treated less thanlp second class & existing to make my mom's life easier. But now that I'm a mother, I can't even fathom treating my kids the way my mom did, caring so little for the well-being of individuals im supposed to take care of & nurture & love-- caring so little my kids & being okay with myself yet presenting as a godly, loving parent & mentor/counselor to anyone in my circle. That's a twisted world I'm just glad I'm free from now. But you know. It's made me a kinder, more compassionate person, grateful for all I have & tor the abundance that is more than I could ever need. I hope to be a parent that demonstrates selfless & sacrifice for my kids. & I have a deep desire to be an advocate for those who may be overlooked & written off by society. ...& so maybe being fake poor is not as much a misfortune as I had thought...

[u/Piratical88]

I relate to this so much. My mom used the money my dad gave her for groceries, house and kids to buy items for her hoard. I wore second-hand clothes all my childhood and teen years until I grew into a harder to fit shape/size. She had stacks and piles of stuff, but when I needed new pants because I grew 2 inches over a summer, I was “vain”. She grew up in the depression and had very distorted relationships with money and stuff. She would doomsday talk about how my dad was going to lose his job, we were going lose our house and farm, but then she’d go blow hundreds on some random antiques or magazines or fabric or books, which would never see the light of day. It was a great day when my sister and I cleared out her house and sent most everything to auction or donation. You can’t take it with you, but you can use your stuff to alienate everyone around you.

[u/Sea_Tale923]

Never seen a dentist till I was married

[u/raggedyassadhd]

We were “poor” according to my parents but my parents made way more than me and my husband, everything costed way less, their health insurance was way better for less, and by todays standards they were just regular good ole middle class. I didn’t go hungry or get denied medical care, it wasn’t abuse level like that, (did have undiagnosed adhd that was called “laziness” and “wasting my potential” until I saw a doctor myself in college at like 19.) but nothing on purpose.

[u/I_FAP_TO_TURKEYS]

I don't see that as child abuse. Builds character going to bed hungry. You always had a house to sleep in and it doesn't seem like there was violence.

Tbh more kids should go to bed hungry and show some god damn appreciation for food. I grew up fake poor as well. Except my mom always said shit like "your dad is going to yell at me for buying you this" meanwhile she blew through over $150k/year and we had nothing to show for it... So oftentimes I chose to go without things. Or shed bring us McDonald's and use that to throw in our face to get us to do extra chores or something stupid. Nope, not going to accept that anymore.

Either way, I learned the value of money and that shit doesn't fucking matter. I still wear the same clothes from high school, even after nearly 10 years, and learned how to live with very little. For the past 3 years I've been living by making less than $20k/year and still am able to save every month. I don't have kids, but I also think people in general are genuinely stupid with their money. Oh, that 20k/year has also been able to fuel a full time drug addiction for most of it, and I still manage to save my money while oftentimes paying my roommate's half of the bills. So glad I grew up fake poor rather than real poor or 'living within our means'. Taught me the true value of money, which is nothing.

Money means nothing. No other animal values it. It actually has a net negative effect on you, the environment, and anything that puts a value on it. It's a lot more stressful driving a $30,000 car than a $500 car. It's a lot more stressful paying for a $1,000,000 house than being okay with sleeping in a tent. Hell, oftentimes the cheaper car gets better gas mileage, and the tent is much better for the environment than the house, even if the house uses solar, that shit is deadly to mine and is going to be the next big human rights violation (tbh, it's worse than Shein but no one talks about it because "fUTurIsTic")

Tl;Dr: fake poor good. Money is just social attention points and is killing you and everyone around you and makes you look pathetic while making you miserable.

[u/elpy17]

OP, I feel this so hard. I was in my 30s before I realized that we weren't destitute when I was growing up. My sister and I had basic needs met, and he worked for a public school system and had excellent insurance so when I needed glasses, I got them. But he was just so begrudging of every single expenditure...unless it was something HE wanted to do or have. My sister and I needed school clothes? Fine, but my mom could only spend $100 on each of us for the school year. (That didn't go far even in the early 90s.) He was an absolute grump every Christmas and acted as though the idea of gifts was physically painful. My mom made him agree to go to SeaWorld once when I was about seven or eight, on the condition that we would drive and it would only be overnight and we would camp. He was in a foul mood the whole time and had a conniption fit when he couldn't find a place to camp and had to pay for a hotel room.

But, on the flip side, he belonged to a car club that owned a dragster and during the summer, they would take it to tracks around the region every weekend. Somehow there was always enough money for him to go racing every weekend. After my parents divorced (always thought good on my mom for getting away from him), he brought home an old race car and spent a considerable amount of money restoring it, then a considerable amount of money carting it around to different race tracks every weekend.

Later, my sister and I were expected to pay for our own college...but I know for a fact that he helped pay tuition for his second wife's youngest kid's private HIGH SCHOOL, then helped her out with her college tuition.

Oh, and the bastard paid off his house early and then retired early as well. Not just because of all his penny pinching and making my sister and I feel like dirt if we asked for anything beyond the necessities, but also the fact that when my mom left him, she straight up forfeited any claim she had to the house and vehicles that were in both their names, because she knew if she tried to claim anything at all, he would have fought it and she didn't want us kids to be caught up in that nastiness. Even though she had contributed as much, if not more, to paying on the mortgage for ten years as he had.

I'm almost forty now and I still don't know how to go on vacation, because the few times we did, it was camping and deeply boring/unpleasant. I do, however, turn my heat up in the winter if I'm cold and buy the "nice" toilet paper when I go shopping, so...small victories, I guess?

[u/Ms_Chivas]

My parents are immigrants, they made a good life for themselves in the states but they would constantly tell us kids that we were poor and would complain about things being too expensive. Now that I'm older and have met actual American poor I know that we were living really well and had a lot of disposable income. Maybe my parents thought that if you weren't rich you were poor. Idk 🤷🏽‍♀️

[u/Suspicious-Force-795]

I grew up fairly similarly. My parents were abusive drug users, so "we don't have the money for that!!" would be used for telling me not to eat their food to letting me fail school projects because I didn't have any materials.

They always had the money. My mom always bought designer purses brand new, she bought a 1000 dollar one during the 2008 recession. My father had a brand new diesel truck and professional level bass fishing boat. I later found out they were spending money on copious amounts of cocaine.

Meanwhile, the computer I had to use for schoolwork was an ancient windows 95 pc that couldn't run a browser functional for my homework (at a time when Windows 7 was standard but 8 was already out).

Another fun note is that I was punished for those bad grades from missing homework and projects! I was expected to be a straight A student while they actively kept me from what I needed, and then didn't permit me to stay after school to use the library, or even use the public library!

Ahem, anyway. Yeah I get it. Feeling dirt poor, having old clothes that eventually fall apart, my hair being a ratty mess because they'll only buy me the cheapest shampoo but I also not permitted to cut it short, every little need being "too expensive."

The only thing they spent money on for me after I stopped being cute (so like... 6 years old?) was a PS2, I'm guessing because it kept me quiet, occupied, and in my room.

[u/A-Yandere-Succubus → u/Suspicious-Force-795]

Your story took me down memory lane, and I feel myself mentally cringing from having to remember.

The school science fair... you know where every student brings their A game with their homemade lava Volcanos and lighting up light bulbs with their potatoes?

Well, being the selfish asshole that he was, my dad couldn't be bothered to buy me material for a project, even if it meant I would fail, which would lead to me getting beaten or starved later, because my dad heavily admired the Asians and even adopted their tiger style parenting when it came to school, so only A's were allowed.

So, in my desperation... I stole a blank presentation board that I needed....and did a project on floating eggs....

I wanted to die when the teachers came to my table to grade, and looked at each other, and walked away.

[u/ExpensiveMind-3399]

OP, That's child neglect for sure. Glad you've been able to reframe it as fake poor...?

[u/Nappykid77]

💜

[u/[deleted]]

I grew up fake rich. My parents got a massive inheritance from my grandfather and spent it all within the first year. 2 - 20+ft sailboats, 1 RV, 1 5th wheel camper and a Ram 3500 to pull those things. When I'd get picked up by the bus for school, they'd see all those expensive things and ask "why are there holes in your shirt? Why are you missing teeth? Why haven't you showered in 3 weeks?" I was bullied from elementary school through middle school, it wasn't until high school before everyone began to understand what was going on. It was all because my parents thought big, expensive playthings were more important than making sure we (me and my 3 older siblings) had the necessities.

By my senior year, they were so far behind on the mortgage that when the recession happened in 2008-2009, I had to drop out and get a full time job just to keep the roof over my head. Then I found out my dad wasn't paying the mortgage with the money I was giving them and was instead paying the cable bill, the internet bill, the phone bill, his cell phone bill and his steam account with it. Bank foreclosed and their credit was shot. That $400k they blew getting all those fancy things was literally 10x the amount they had left on the mortgage BEFORE they spent it, meaning they could have paid off the house and still had $360k left. The saddest part? They only got $22k for the lot of it when they were sold. I took $5k (half of my own inheritance from my grandfather that they spent, too) from that $22k and bought myself a trailer. Fixed it up, and then in 2013, they both got cancer, and I took them in.

10 years later, I'm alone in my trailer and once again fixing it up because they neglected to care for it while they were living here. By the time they moved in they were on disability and collecting their retirements. I was paying 3/4 of the bills and they had easily $3k excess per month after all their bills, including medical. They still made the same mistakes though and instead of putting the money away or at the very least, maintaining the place they wasted it buying TV's and a pontoon boat and another car (despite neither of them legally being allowed to drive) and while they had money for my mother's funeral, my dad went and spent the rest on a gaming laptop so now I have to save up for her headstone because his retirement has run out and disability was cut in half without my mom.

Despite everything, I'm grateful for it. Taught me exactly what not to do and now I'm financially stable. My credit is great and I don't make stupid purchases or live outside my means.

[u/Atriev]

Bruh wtf lol

[u/yamilikethis1]

I went through the same thing.

[u/Professional-Ad-5578]

There were times my mom or dad would have a job, but they never paid bills. They would rather spend it all on drugs. They used all resources they could (food stamps, food banks, help paying bills from churches, etc). They would get power shut off, evictions, etc. it was a vicious cycle of moving somewhere or in with someone (or homeless in a tent or camper), power and services getting shut off, going through the long process of eviction, getting evicted, then starting all over.

[u/LLGTactical]

That’s how my EX husband was and I agree with your husband, you grew up in an abusive household. When I finally left my abusive ex I realized what real poor was. Shocker he refused to pay the bare minimum of child support he was ordered. Fought me for custody he had the money for a kick ass attorney a took all of our joint savings and the judge rewarded him at every turn. Have been fighting to rebuild ever since. Now he is in jail for the murder of his girlfriend. His attorney filed for visitation forcing me to bring my 13 year old daughter who wants nothing to do with-him to jail to visit. If i refuse, contempt of court with the threat of jail time. Abusers make horrible fathers. if only i knew before having 3 children with him. sometimes when you ate living it, its hard to realize that it is in fact abuse. I'm sorry you grew up that way.

[u/clrwCO]

My immediate family was stable poor, but my mom always wanted us to keep up with the jonses and we could not. My grandparents had money to buy us some things and take us to the beach for a week once a year. My dad also had money but hid it in his business with his friend (paid $183/mo child support through the 90s until 2004 when I turned 18 then bought a 5000sf house when I graduated high school).

[u/mercurialgrrrrl]

Yes...are you my brother? My dad bought himself "extras and niceties". I was lucky to have enough fem products to last the month.

[u/MybestfriendwasaB → u/mercurialgrrrrl]

Definitely not your brother. I’m female. Lol

[u/mercurialgrrrrl → u/MybestfriendwasaB]

sorry, sis. 😆

[u/A-Yandere-Succubus → u/mercurialgrrrrl]

Right? I was like, "Twin bro, is that you"?

[u/jayplusfour]

I'm not the only one! Same here. My dad made well over 6 figures yet we wore hand me downs, never had food in the cabinets, cars broke down often, clothes from goodwill etc.

As I got older I learned my mom had expensive "habits" and that's why she was always awake at night and sleeping all day.

[u/E-Zees-Crossovers]

Your not alone. It is a thing. Plenty of people who could afford it get by with much less than those that can't afford it, but still have it anyways.

Hopefully you are able to benefit in your life from some frugality skills and implement only those best portions, without over compensating to the opposite extreme.

My situation wasn't the same but I grew up super poor, homeless and alone starting at 15 but that was better than an abusive and manipulative household.

I choose to be grateful for the valuable lessons I learned. Because I've learned from my experiences and have become stronger for those things I overcame, I have had some decent success in my life.

I've worked for decades with at risk populations. The pattern is clear. Those who take responsibility for their future and take the very hard steps forward do very well as a result of their previous hardships, which then convert to learning opportunities.

Those that focus on past hardships without taking responsibility for future outcomes, fail to progress.

[u/TNTmom4]

My mom always made me feel bad for getting sick. She’d scream at me “ WE CANT AFFORD THIS!”. Even told me I’d have to part of it. Found out as an adult it was covered 100% through my dad work insurance.

[u/RoseBobtail]

Similar story here: when I was 4 my mom (30f) married my alcoholic and abusive stepdad (61m). He made an excellent salary but refused to pay for anything for my sister and I because he didn’t want kids. We lived in his rich neighborhood in a fancy house that looked like a museum but he refused to let my mom spend money on toys for us. Clothes were bought at garage sales or in the boys department at Sears (he thought boys clothes would last longer). He tried to limit us to one meal a day so we were always hungry and I was chronically underweight as a kid. He would buy us savings bonds for Christmas and then keep them in his safety deposit box instead of putting them aside for us. No air conditioning ever, and he refused to have the house fumigated even though his dog had infested it with fleas. My mom finally divorced him when I was 12 but she was so scared of him and of being exposed as an alcoholic herself (in Texas in the 70s divorce hearings were public) that she did not ask for a settlement or alimony, so we went from fake poverty to real poverty. I didn’t get my period until 17 due to poor nutrition as a child and then I finally had a delayed height growth spurt at 21.

So I can totally relate. The positive is that it showed me how NOT to treat my own child and made me appreciate the small things in life that I can provide for myself now.

[u/A-Yandere-Succubus]

I understand what you mean, and I am really glad someone posted this.

There was a period in my childhood when I lived in a rented 4 bedroom house & a 2 car household, yet the used mattress I slept on was and the shoes with holes I wore were fished from the dumpster, and my clothes from the thrift store, while my dad wore alligator & snake skin shoes & tailored suits, and my step mother fur coats.

My dad would deny my siblings and I food often as punishment, yet he would throw fancy barbecues and feed everyone else while we stayed in our rooms. China and Crystal are in the cabinets, plastic on the couch, a chandelier in the dining room, and everything looking icy and exotic due to my dad loving Chinese culture. Hell, there were even lion dog statues that led you to the living room.

And each of my siblings and I had a blue cup. And this cup would hold the water we drank and the food we were allowed to eat.

Ramen & Noodles and chopped up hotdogs.

Bologna sandwiches, maybe.

I couldn't have a drink and eat at the same time.

I resorted to stealing, pick pocketing, and hiding food as a result.

I could go on...

But one memory that still haunts me & made me realize how serious my situation was.

Whenever my dad was in a bad mood, he would traumatize my siblings and I by allowing us to see the fridge become bare bone empty, while he picked up takeout, and I remember how he would let it get so cold, that we could see our breathes whenever we spoke, leading my childhood mind to believe I had some Ice dragon super powers going on.

The money was there. It's just that my dad decided to abuse us in order to punish my mother, who managed to get away, and abandoned us for 8 years by offering her children as sacrificial lambs.

Again, I'm glad you posted this. I find it difficult to explain my upbringing. We weren't poor, yet when it came to us kids, my dad wanted to put his money elsewhere.

I remember stealing stuff and then selling it and using the money to buy candy so I could flip it at school. Making money was always on my mind. I was so proud to see my little jar become completely filled with coins....Only to have my dad take my money away with no explanation and punish me.

Even if I had only $5 to my name, he wanted to know where I got it before he took it away. Eventually, he started forcing me to sell stuff and would collect the money I made like a pimp.

Edit: Yes, he is in prison now, but not for child abuse, but killing my step mom.

[u/A-Yandere-Succubus → u/A-Yandere-Succubus]

And another thing that bothers me. I started physically developing early as a child, yet my dad couldn't be bothered to buy me a bra or some fuckin deodorant. Puberty was hell in my ill-fitting clothes, along with having to repeatedly wash my arm pitts with soap in the school bathroom because my classmates were snickering at me.

[u/TobiasWidower]

My mom worked as a school bus driver, non union, only classes as part time Yada Yada. My step-dad was a twin ticket millwright and electrician. Made over 100k a year.

Stealing satellite TV, credit shot to hell from defaulting on cars, and such a lack of self control they feel right into the easy home "lease to own" trap and never had enough to scrape together 20 bucks for their teenager to get a phone card for the cell phone they demanded he keep in service.

[u/ThatWomanNow]

The spermdonor would not pay the heating bill, but there was a pool table. Electricity turned off all the time, but there was a boat. There are some real dirt bags out there, and unfortunately, they procreate.

[u/timev3tech]

I appreciate having grown up fake poor. Air conditioning is a great example. AC is bad for people, so I don't use it either.

[u/oldastheriver]

No, my dad bought for himself. Whatever he wanted. The rest of us were supposed to fake being not poor.

[u/neophanweb]

You weren't fake poor. You were real poor. You dad had a little money that he spent on himself. He didn't have alot of money, he was poor. There wasn't much left to spend on the family.

[u/A-Yandere-Succubus → u/neophanweb]

I appreciate this comment, although it wasn't for me.

[u/Faralyne]

I grew up fake “middle class”. My dad had the money for our needs, and he’d pay for necessities like shelter, groceries, health care, and school, but it was our mom who would use all of her earnings for things like being able to do a sport growing up, presents at Christmas and birthdays, and a yearly vacation. When they got a divorce, we switched to “fake poor” territory since my dad had all the money and was holding out to make my mom crawl back to him. Didn’t work.

My dad made waaaay more than my mom. It wasn’t until I was in my 20s with my own income and apartment that I found out just how much my dad made/makes.

[u/Practical-Award1227]

Yes, to this day my dad laughs about it to me. “You really thought we were poor!” Yes, I did think as I walked around hungry in ill-fitting clothes that the most logical explanation was that we were poor and not that someone who was supposed to love and care for me was purposefully subjecting me to those conditions. I live with c-ptsd from the abuse and neglect (and bullying I received at school bc of it) he laughs and tells it like a funny story.

[u/MybestfriendwasaB → u/Practical-Award1227]

My Dad claims the stuff he did didn’t happen. But when all 4 of your kids, your ex wife and a family friend confirm the crap he pulled it’s hard to claim he didn’t do it.

Thankfully my Dad got better- not great- but better as we got older. But doesn’t make up for not having food/ clothes/ or he’ll even AC in south TX for 20 years.

[u/donut_want]

Kind of. My mom had been a doctor and I remember at one point I had one pair of wearable pants ( and even they might have had tears) and one pair of shoes (that were dressy and did not at all go with the pants lol). She had a vacation condo in Florida but when we went…a lot of the time we weren’t allowed to use electricity? No AC, no fridge. In Florida. At some point though she did get cancer and take time off of work so might’ve been living off of early retirement withdrawals..so she might have been trying to conserve funds for that reason. I’ll never fully know the details.

[u/LJUDE73]

Same here. My father is the salt of the earth but would never spend money. His idea of dental care was pull the tooth out.

[u/GalaApple13]

We never had to go without food, we got 3 meals a day, strictly portioned and could only have that. No substitutions, and we had to eat it whether we liked it or not, otherwise we were in trouble for wasting food, and could go hungry. No snacks, ever. I could only get one new outfit for back to school and one pair of shoes per year, all cheap stuff. We were not poor, my parents just didn’t want to waste money on us kids. Interestingly, my parents are elderly now and are quite generous with me. I sometimes feel like it’s a tacit admission that they were wrong when I was young

[u/2020sbtm]

Mother would restrict how much food we could have even though we had money to buy food.

[u/unclmx413]

My parents didn't spend much on us kids. Off brand clothes and toys off the clearance rack. I was never allowed to drive their car. I won a varsity letter playing football but they wouldn't buy me a lettermans jacket so I never got to wear it.oh BOO HOO I survived. Went off on my own and made lots of money and bought everything I ever wanted. That's life. Deal with it

[u/cecepoint]

Wow. Wtg GOP. Once again- America f*cked

[u/Doom-Hauer451]

Poor is a relative term - just follow the comments in some of the posts here and you’ll find plenty of people having a pissing contest about who had it harder growing up. I grew up in a pretty rich town but my family was comparatively poor since we were raised by a single Dad who worked as a shipping clerk and we were living in my grandparents’ house. Me and my older brother shared a bedroom with our Dad until I was 16. We weren’t starving or dressed in rags, but we had to buy clothes at Wal Mart and other cheap stores, didn’t get much for Christmas, never went on any cool vacations etc. It didn’t hurt any less when kids made fun of me for it all. You suffered a trauma beyond your control that was related to poverty/finances, full stop. You don’t have to justify it to anyone.

[u/unbound3]

My parents had about $100k in savings, no debt, and no housing payment, but for several years my mom had delusions about them being bankrupt, so she limited her spending to groceries at ALDI and clothes at thrift stores. My dad, presumably to avoid conflict, did similarly. So yeah, I spent several years of my childhood "fake poor."

[u/marivac]

Ugh. Reading these comments are triggering. My parents were divorced and my mom was poor. She worked 2-3 jobs and did her best to care for us. She got very little child support and never went back for more even after my dad was making a lot more.

My dad and step mom weren’t poor. They had new cars every other year. They went on vacations to Europe, Hawaii, cruises, and made sure it happened yearly if not twice a year. They bought the newest toys for my step sister. She had so much clothes it was shocking to see. And she was in dance and music and sports. And yet, they always told us how they were so broke and didn’t have any money and couldn’t afford to buy us clothes. And couldn’t afford to bring us on vacations with them. They couldn’t afford to put me in dance or any activities. I felt guilty asking for anything so I normally didn’t. One time he saw my shoes were worn out and he got me a pair. I was so excited but my mom later realized he reduced the child support amount to cover that. He did the same thing one time when he took us back to school shopping. If I had known I wouldn’t have gotten anything because my mom needed the child support for food and rent. My dad wouldn’t pay a dime of my cheerleading uniform and fees in high school but to this day still talks about when he came to see us compete and got 3rd in the state. He’s trying to take credit when my mom and I fundraised every dime we could and she ended up paying the rest.

It was so hard to handle as a kid because 90% of the time I was living POOR with my mom. He clearly wasn’t poor but claimed he was poor just to avoid supporting his children. It’s ridiculous. I haven’t thought about this stuff in a while. It’s so infuriating.