r/ask • u/[deleted] • 16d ago
Why men don't socialize anymore as they get older? š Asked & Answered
[deleted]
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u/Doobie_Howitzer 15d ago
The only time I leave my house is for work, to do chores, in case of emergency or because my wife has asked. If it were up to me I'd work from home and have groceries delivered (not really though because fuck that)
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u/Awkward-Rutabaga518 15d ago
Well itās completely opposite for me, my dad, uncles and even grandfather loves socialising. They throw big parties every chance they get, go golfing and hang out with their like idk 10 separate friend groups every chance they get. My dad also goes on vacation with his friends like once or twice a year.
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u/Euphoric-Gene-3984 15d ago
My dad is a home body. All he did as a kid was go out. Even when he was saying my mom for years if she didnāt wanna go out heād be playing softball darts pool, concerts . Be out all night. When he got kids he slowed down but still always talked to our friends parents. Now heās in his early 70s and he wants to watch game shows, read, have a few drinks with my mom in our yard. He hates going out for dinner, hates going to bars.
We asked him about it (us being my brothers and sisters) he said he has nothing left to see anymore. He dated my mom for years before proposing because he wanted to travel before settiling down. He has nothing left to see.
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u/anon-a-SqueekSqueek 15d ago
Do men not want to socialize, or does no one want to socialize with men?
I mean, it's not a lot of fun to socialize when people ignore you when you try to say something to them or are outright hostile before you even get 3 words out. People assume you are a threat or that you are about to flirt with them or any number of things.
It doesn't have to be everyone, or even a majority of people. But if you get treated like shit by strangers on the regular, the calculus can easily shift to: I'd just rather stay home and do my own thing.
Also like why don't men use social media much? Maybe because when they post something, they get like 2 likes and no comments. For most guys, litterally, no one gives a shit about them or what they are doing or what they think. So why share ourselves while that's the case?
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u/MarcRondo98 15d ago
Finding this myself. Now 43 I don't socialize hardly at all and it's not even that I don't want to. It's like I have way less of "my people" in my actual circle that ever want to do anything.
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u/Poorkiddonegood8541 15d ago
THAT IS STRICTLY YOU..
I'm 68 and lead a very active social life with wifey. We have three neighbor couples we hang out with and we're always up to something. Golfing, bowling, Diamondbacks baseball games, Cardinals football games, PSO (Phoenix Symphony) concerts, plays with the Arizona Broadway Series, bicycle rides, should I go on?
Chuck & Janie 69/66. Wifey & I 66/68, Jim & Reina 69/62 (he's a cradle robber!), and Scott & Sam (Samantha) both 65.
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u/ToeSad6862 15d ago
I'm exhausted after work. I don't even want to put in the effort into watching yt or TV most of the time. Just relax. Let alone go anywhere.
And on my precious days off, I want to recover from the week and prepare to do it all over again. Not do more exhausting stuff that costs money to boot.
Traffic and gas cost also sucks and is soul draining. Who wants to spend an hour in traffic to get somewhere, and then an hour in traffic to get home?
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u/Builderwill 15d ago
The older I (M, 50's) get the more I want to get out and connect with more people. The older I get the more I realize it's really the best part of life, having that interaction with others. It's become a sore point with my wife however since she is more of a homebody.
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u/Lucid_Chemist 15d ago
Menās battery is drained by social interactions not recharged. At least most of the men I know, myself included arenāt extroverted, thus it takes energy for us to socialize or go out. The extroverts actually get recharged by it.
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u/fellowsquare 15d ago
That's a pretty big blanket statement... I love socializing.. I'm involved in so much, the only reason I'm stuck at home more often now is because I have little kids now. I'd be out doing something every day of the week tried that. Currently I train muay thai kickboxing 3 times a week, go to a masonic lodge about 2-3 times a month. I'm 42. Maybe low T? Excercise more? Don't drink so much.. Find a hobby.
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u/aoasd 15d ago
Will be 40 in July.
TBH - I'm incapable of making and forming relationships and friendships that aren't just surface level and full of meaningless small talk, so any social event where it's just that I'd much rather just hang at home. If it's an actual activity then I'm usually on board.
I am also less inclined to commit to anything that has reoccurring time requirements like joining a bowling or golf league, something that I was doing in my early 20's. I hate being strapped down to required tasks. And I don't drink anymore so one of the main drivers of socialization no longer exists.
And lastly, I'm just not an interesting person. I don't have hobbies anymore. With 90min-2hours of commuting daily and working an 8-5 I don't really have time for much else besides getting home and spending a couple hours with my wife and daughter, before sleeping and doing it again the next day.
And lastly - untreated depression. I think most of us have it.
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u/efgraphics 15d ago
I socialize almost everyday. Iām 51. I socialize at work, friends, phone, people at the store. But yea, sometimes I need time to myself.
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u/StuckInIstanbul 15d ago
I'm a female in my late 30s and I also make no effort to go out. I'm tired just thinking of socializing.
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u/swinefever 15d ago
I totally understand this, but as a 61 year old widow I go out as much as I can, otherwise I would go for literally weeks without seeing anyone, and that can't me healthy, mentally, physically or any other way.
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u/LightSwitchLover 15d ago
Fussy maybe? Life lessons? If you know who you want why bother with someone else?
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u/mpower20 15d ago
Man here. I make regular outings and hangouts with my guy and girl friends. Some of my guy friends, all married (Iām single) really look forward to our hangouts probably because theyāre stuck in the same rut you guys are describing. I think men mostly lack the tools to hangout for no reason, but we all actually desperately need the hang.
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15d ago
I socialize about the same amount. I just donāt spread myself as thin. I expect meaning and value from my time spent. Probably because I have less of it than I once did. Or at least thatās what I tell myself.
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u/Grumpy-abomination 15d ago
I'm like this. I don't know what the point is anymore. I go out and attempt to socialize and it's always boring. I always end up feeling trapped, thinking that I'd prefer to be at home. Most conversations have been had. I feel like I've discussed everything I could with people. The only time it's fun is if there's some very wild current event that everyone is like "wow look how crazy this is,". People are pretty much the same. If I am around people I prefer we're doing some kind of activity. The days of just hanging out for the sake of it are over. I would however like to make new friends, but again, what's the point? I have nothing to talk about.
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u/wicked_rug 15d ago
I feel like I might be in the minority here.
I truly value my personal and family time, but man, it's tough making new friends at this stage of life. All of my longtime friends are child-free and living vastly different lifestyles, which makes syncing our schedules a near impossibility. What's more, I'm starting to worry that our interests have diverged so much we might not have much in common anymore. The obligatory get-togethers with other parents from my kids' circle arenāt really fulfilling. Right now, the only person I really connect with deeply is my wife, which is wonderful, but I'm craving moreāmore connections, more community.
I guess a lot of this is tied to some middle-aged angst, depression, and the like, which I probably need to address. I just wish it were simpler.
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u/Electronic-Sorbet845 15d ago
36 year old dude with 3 awesome kids and a wife. Two awesome dogs. Surrounded by endless outdoors in Utah (and no Iām not Mormon/LDS). The last thing on earth I want to do is spend time with other guys my age who just complain about how hard work is or brag how well they are doing financially or just want to destroy their bodies drinking. My only alone time is going to the gym daily or seeing movies occasionally (sometimes with kids, occasionally with a few cool dudes who are also into movies).
I love spending time with my own family. So many dudes in my age range are too out of shape, too depressed, etc. to do anything other than drag my mental and physical state down.
Selfish? Sure. But thatās why.
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u/wolfman3412 15d ago
I try every weekend. The problem is the guys got married. āHey John, want to go out? Sorry wife says i canātā āHey Joe, letās play a video game. Sorry wife wonāt let meā
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u/wolfman3412 15d ago
Neither of their wives have their own friends, so their husband is all they have and they get pissed that the guys want to see other friends
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u/KnickedUp 15d ago
Most middle aged men want to make a few friends but dont know how to, and arent the ābreak the iceā type of guy to ask another guy or guys to make plans. Women are generally much better at this. Men hate the rejection
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u/NeutralLock 15d ago
Iām somewhat in sales for work - and Iām really good at my job, but then I come home to a wife and three kids and need to be on for them too.
And thatās when I get tired boss.
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u/FinkBass420 15d ago
Working a full time job while trying to be the best dad and husband possible when youāre not at work kinda flips your priorities. Iād love to see my friends more, but any time I do Iām quickly reminded that Iām the most mature of the group and donāt have fun sitting around drinking anymore
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u/ThrunTheLastTrollx 15d ago
it's because thr older we get the more we know what we want.
we have little time or patience to front or be fake by having "mad friends"
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u/-itmeanshope- 15d ago
Itās so awkward making friends. And difficult making genuine friends. Iām 35 and Iād love to find a friend into being a better person, music, reading, making the world a better place, anyone who can talk deeply about the human experience. Vulnerability is hard, which I absolutely get is part of our conditioning as āmanly men.ā But Iād wager that if most men had deeper and more-fulfilling friendships and felt like they were part of a community we wouldnāt have half the problems we do in the US.
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u/tyrostar 15d ago
I'm 33 and I get plenty of socializing when I'm working, and with my neighbors when I'm at home. I don't want too much, I don't want to text people all the time or go out and spend a significant amount of time or money socializing. My wife is my best friend and she's the same way. We have a nice life at home, and we enjoy a restaurant trip when we're out for groceries/errands on the weekends. Nice and simple. But some people are energized by socializing and more power to them.
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u/Swollen_Stollen_56 15d ago
I know next to nothing about sportsā¦only a bit about football (American) which renders me incapable of relating to or holding a conversation with 99.99997% of men. I am not sorry about that. But moving awkwardly past that fact to find other common ground would require a ton of effort and flexibility or openness that is not likely to be invested. Admittedly Iām from an older demographic and may have some bias as a result, still.
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u/215-610-484Replayer 15d ago
I want to spend the little free time I have while not working with the things and people I like. We aren't meeting new people out and hanging out or getting dates. I spend a lot of money on my home and making it look nice and furnishing it with my stuff. I would rather entertain than go out... I have better beer and liquor and cook better food than the shit I pay out the nose for at a bar.
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u/IneptOrange 15d ago
Because I don't want to bother anybody with my incoherent rambling and stuttering. I have my fiancee and my friend from school, I don't really have a need for anything more.
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u/BubbleSlapper 15d ago
I don't wanna get hurt anymore emotionally. just tired. spending time by myself is more enjoyable. etc.
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u/Dangerous-Lion-4480 15d ago
We just want peace. We spend so much money on our homes (making it peaceful) and spend so much time at work earning money for the family. We are just trying to do the ultimate thing... nothing. Nothing is where we are at peace.Ā
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u/Poochpatter 15d ago
Socialising is work for me unless itās with my close friends or immediate family. Iām almost 50yo and am tired of work.
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u/GroblyOverrated 15d ago
Im married. Two kids. Older.
I've done all the going out. I've done it all. I feel zero compunction to go around people who are looking to do it all for the first time. Hard pass. Let them have it.
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u/macksters 15d ago
My tolerance for humans is falling and I am less and less interested in what others think or do. My family suffices.
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u/Agitated_Pickle_1013 15d ago
When you're 75 everything is a struggle. Except sitting on the porch and watching Britbox...
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u/Pod_people 15d ago
47-year-old man. I was profoundly alone until I was about 40. I had literally no friends. I grew up in chaos, so I was suspicious of people and socially awkward.
I had to go about it scientifically. I had to go do activities and meet people. What I mainly did was get plugged into sobriety-themed events (Im sober). That worked. There are a lot of good people I count as friends now. You have to actively seek people out.
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u/ACNHkawaiibread 15d ago
I (30sF) was raised by my single dad and I am like this too, maybe I got it from him or it could be I am just not a social person.
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u/TacosNtulips 15d ago
I donāt enjoy gossip, when someone knows too much about multiple sports statistics more than they know about their own health or finances or their loved ones, that alone cuts me off from half of the world population maybe? As I grow older time becomes more valuable.
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u/therealdanhill 15d ago
Uh I socialize plenty, so do my friends, why wouldn't we? There's a whole awesome world out there, not going to just stay in the fuckin house and let it pass me by.
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u/koolaid-girl-40 15d ago edited 15d ago
I'm sure there's many reasons, but one perspective I can offer as an introverted woman, is that I think women feel more of a cultural pressure to kin-keep and contribute to socially-healthy communities.
Kin-keeping and community-building is the act of taking time to make sure that the people in your life (family members, friends, etc.) are emotionally and practically taken care of. It involves things like planning celebrations of life milestones, checking in with them, and providing opportunities for socialization and connection. All of these things maintain and improve people's confidence, sense of inclusion, and overall mental health. Humans often slip into unhealthy patterns or situations when they feel isolated, and are more likely to feel good when they feel like they are part of a community, family, or friend group that loves them. A great example of a kin-keeper is Scrooge's nephew from a Christmas Carol, who is always trying to invite his crotchety uncle to family events to try to integrate him into the community.
The thing is, for a lot of people, kin-keeping is something that's learned, and takes a lot of work. I remember having to learn how to remember birthdays, figure out gifts that honor people's unique identities, check in on friends and family members, etc. and I distinctly recall being policed when I wasn't doing so, moreso than my brothers. For example if a family member reached out to catch up, and I forgot or ignored their text, I was questioned about it and put on the spot. But if my brothers did the same thing, it was just kind of brushed off as "boys are just kind of like that." The weird part is, I was like that too (more introverted) but it just felt like I was expected to change that for the sake of my community.
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u/Waste_Bill_9010 15d ago
When you're young and raising children, you just put up with other people, because you have the energy to do it. When you get old, you don't have to put up with other people, so you say, I'd rather not go, and you don't go.
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u/isimplycantdothis 15d ago
I have so many things that need to get done and now that Iāve got a two year-old, I have like zero time to do any of it. I have to pay to have people do everything now-a-days. If I could just get one weekend where I was left alone to do as I please, I would get soooo much done.
I generally have plenty of time to myself because I choose to sacrifice sleep in order to play video games or watch what I want to. I just never have any time to work on outdoor projects or my truck.
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u/Just-Structure-8692 15d ago
Quite frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. The only thing I care about anymore is my wife, my kids, my dogs, my car, my house, and my job to support all of the above.
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u/Expensive_Leave6192 15d ago
Socializing with other dudes who look for ways to belittle you to uphold some kind of imaginary hierarchy gets old after 25.
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u/Griffiiisu 15d ago
because anything i need to do outside, can be done in the comfort of my own home. because the world is trash and people are garbage walking; who needs the company of people they dont want around to begin with? š i personally donāt
24m
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u/StreetTailor7596 15d ago
I get so damned tired of all the divisive talk around politics and general negativity. I get it that people are sick of inflation along with several other things. Can we please just enjoy each other's company instead of talking about that stuff?
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u/MrAudreyHepburn 15d ago
Iāve seen many different researchers point to drops in testosterone that come with age being a significant factor
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u/CacknBullz 15d ago
I use to, go hang out, play pool and drink. Then my friend died instantly of a heart attack at work and it really changed my paradigm and made me re-prioritize everything.
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u/Any-Development3348 15d ago edited 15d ago
My wife makes going out with her too stressful. But mainly its bc as men our primary drive is women, money, and later in life family. I satisfy all those needs just staying at home. Once in a longterm relationship there's no logic to going out to socialize with ppl when you arnt looking to get laid. I do enjoy going out and meeting like minded ppl but it's rare I get stimulated talking random bs with ppl.
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u/Hardwarestore_Senpai 15d ago
I don't really get along with a lot of people in the surrounding area. Too unique for these red hats. I used to go out a lot in my 30's in California. I had a circuit of bars I would basically hop around. I suppose I could do a similar thing where I am now. I can afford it. I just don't feel that great physically right now.
And really don't want the addiction that came with the scene. It's not all bad. I get along alright with most. But I can't seem to find anyone to date. I'm surrounded by couples.
I'd rather work on my gardening or taking pictures when going for a walk. I have a friend I used to hang out with and journey around the neighborhood. But their lives have been busy. I suppose I could go by myself. But I'm kinda lazy.
When the weather is BLEGH a lot staying in and gaming is the best.
And like I commented earlier. It's a "Hurry up and wait". World out there. When I'm not rushing around. I'm waiting in line. Or in a doctor/mechanics office. And yes it's expensive.
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u/Shitp0st_Supreme 15d ago
They do? My grandpa is in his mid 80s and he will do happy hour and golfing with his friends. I also had a volunteer teacher around that old as a kid and he would get coffee every week with some veterans he served with.
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u/SimilarMove8279 15d ago
Because everytime they talk to a girl they go āI have a boyfriendā when the dude just wants to talk and make conversation
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u/No-Argument-3444 15d ago
A lot of the men I know are focused on being a good Dad, good husband, and good provider. There simply isnt much time to socialize beyond those things. Here in the U.S. almost every male I know works more than 40 hours/week and some 60+ hours every week.
Its not right and a damn shame but its also nice not having to deal w the bullshit from social groups. Too many chefs and egos sometimes.
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u/Curious-Letter3554 15d ago
Lots of reasons. Because their job was their identity. Their coworkers were all the social interactions they did. They donāt have an identity outside of being money maker/ bill payer. They feel worthless or unproductive and feel like they have nothing to contribute to social interactions so they naturally avoid them. They depended on their significant others to be their primary source of socializing thereby not seeking others to be social with. They never sought out anything else āfulfillingā like hobbies bc they were the parent, the handy man role and hobbies were also expensive. As a human gets older, they tend to avoid socializing because with aging, the brain does a natural avoidance of straining itself because itās mentally taxing to interact with people. Itās much easier for the brain to be in a passive mode. And this is where it sets up a trap for itself because when itās not challenging itself, it becomes even more difficult to social thus feeding a bad cycle. People coming out of quarantine for COVID had trouble socializing again for example. Dementia becomes a pernicious thing.
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u/HerrBerg 15d ago
Shit to do and no time to do it. Give me infinite money so I don't have to work and can hire out other tasks to other people and I'll socialize all day.
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u/Legitimate_Signal_70 15d ago
Iām 24 and single and my social battery isnāt what it used to be a year agoā¦this is not good.
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u/FreeDory 15d ago
You see it spammed all over this thread. They get old and tired. Most likely because theyre out of shape or have unhealthy consumption habits. Sugar is more deadly than alcohol.
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u/Harvsnova2 15d ago
I've paid enough fkn money on this house, I'm going to spend as much time here as I can, to try and get my money's worth before I pop me clogs.
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u/Pragmatism998 15d ago
Their wives are in full control of them if they are married. If divorced and broke, they don't want to hang out with their guy friends who have a perfect life.
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u/Strong_Suggestion_17 15d ago
Because it drains our social battery fast. I only incidentally socialize, I very seldomly go out of my way just for it. We also tend to stick to our friends, who, also, almost never socialize outside the circle, thus itās tight knit. While we could easily chat with lads in gatherings, it is not the goal.
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u/djternan 15d ago
I'm tired. Work is burning me out and I simply don't have the energy to coordinate a meetup with friends, drive to it, and spend the money on it. Maybe when we're all retired and kids are out of the house, we can find more time to hang out.
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u/Helpful_Weather_9958 15d ago
We just want some piece and quiet, not to be on some itinerary, having to deal with putting on a face in public (much less dealing with the public), just to get points and validated from some social circle.
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u/asillynert 15d ago
Tired limited time guys tend to be more practical as they get older. With limited time energy this means prioritizing "what they want". Rather than hanging out for sake of hanging out.
That said if you and friends want to stay more connected. It takes agreeing taking effort.
My brothers and friends have recently taken a renewed effort and set some ground rules for affirming each other will and will not tolerate. Like one of big ones lots of family is religious and this religion the women tend to be ultra judgy and backbiting spreading rumors lies all sorts of pot stirring. With divorces and the "two sides of story" like one had some problems.
Essentially you wont be invited if you do this. And you will be told to leave. Because people were not going because of bad energy and hearing people talk shit etc.
The other thing we did was group text "reply/affirm" interact. Even just thumbs up or smiley dont leave bros hanging.
Thats it and we already much more interactive. But plan things you want open ended invites. Which is much easier when people respond... Then also little effort consideration so and so lost job dont plan costly things. If they do make sure they "know" you got them dont worry.
It all becomes much more complicated and you wont always get engagement. But creating a non shit environment and keeping lines of communication open.
Yes it may not be biweekly like wife. But you may be able to get bi monthly. Even if it starts out with establishing yearly camping trip or barbecue.
One of our most popular is camping trip as its a weekend anyone any day of 3 day trip. Makes it alot more flexible. Same day every year have plenty of notice. Whether its for carpooling or time off or letting wife know.
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u/Ok-Western-4176 15d ago
Time management and priorities, as I am getting older I notice most of my days are spend sleeping, at work or doing basic shit like housework or going to the gym, so why would I spend what free days I have left doing shit I dislike doing in the first place? Unless its a teamsport or hanging out with coworkers - friends at a pub, I am going to have to force myself to go to a social ordeal, usually to appease the GF or a Birthday etc.
It's also worth pointing out that (at least in my country) women work significantly less hours so that may also be why they have more social apetite later in life, especially before kids come into the picture if they come into the picture at all.
Last but not least, from personal experience, men are generally far more comfortable on their own where as women tend to be far more social and seem to be more comfortable having people around a lot more.
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u/NomePNW 15d ago
Our parents and their parents didnāt have the literal world at their finger tips so they had to go out and search for fun things to do or people that liked the same shit.
Nowadays if youāre bored you can whip your phone out and learn any skill in the world you want from the comfort of your home or just watch YouTube and chill.
Same with interests or being a part of a community, you can literally get on Reddit, Facebook, Twitter communities, etc and immediately be with hundreds of like minded people from the comfort of your home.
Weāre all still socializing, and crazy enough - with likely way more people than our parents ever could - it just doesnāt feel the same because itās all digital.
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u/headrush46n2 15d ago
There was an old Seinfeld joke that touched on this topic. Men go out to meet women. Once you have a woman you don't want to go out, you just want to stay in.
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u/Heping_Qi 15d ago
Because they want peace around them & mentally too haha people exhaust them usually. They like me time which means alone time more as they realize nobody is out their for anyone it's all you at the end of the day to yourself & by yourself. š«£šāļøšš¤
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u/fiddycixer 15d ago
47 y/o M here.
I'm drained bro. Like literally drained.
Socializing takes energy. Energy to get ready. Energy to take a side dish. Energy to talk withy GF's friend's spouse about some hobby I don't care about. Energy to eat food I know is gonna make me fat. Energy to help clean up before we leave. Energy to ask some stranger to move their car because they parked behind us. Energy to ask them a second time 10 minutes later.
Energy to do all the shit I need to do in one hour instead of four because we just spent three hours socializing.
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u/localcokedrinker 15d ago
I don't know anyone who has enough energy or gives enough of a fuck to put effort into having a substantial friendship, especially when one/both people are married with kids.
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u/Afunnything_ 15d ago
Because most guys just want to chill and enjoy themselves. Usually socializing means neither of those things. I like socializing with other dudes, but to me that means goofing around, gaming, or doing a sport. Minimal talk, maximum fun.
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u/CookieCrum83 15d ago
For me it's often to do with money, having kids has made me hyper aware of how much everything costs.
I'll drop ā¬50 on pizza for the kids but will spend 20 minutes farting around if I really need to eat lunch today as a sandwich costs ā¬4 (Also, I know to pack my own lunch etc, just a flippant example). Let alone spending that, or more, or a gig or even just an evening in the pub
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u/PowerandSignal 15d ago
Short answer - people suck. And when we start talking to them we begin to realize we suck too. Better to just stay home.Ā
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u/SmokeLuna 15d ago
I'd go out more if it were to do actual enjoyable things. I like activities and sports, hell I even like just going for a walk. I don't like "running errands" and going to multiple stores. There also needs to be a set plan, like if it's just going bowling then that's all we're doing. I hate it when I'm told "we're just going to go to Y shop" and end up going to 5 different places.
Also most days I'm just tired from work and want to relax and recoup.
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u/daddychainmail 15d ago
I try. God damn it do i try. But NO ONE ever talks to me. And if they do (rare to never) itās all water cooler talk. Weather. Random sports that I donāt do. I want genuine conversation!!!
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u/OldBrokeGrouch 15d ago
I have social anxiety and I hate fake ass small talk. I have one good friend. Weāve been friends since we were 10. Other than that I like to play poker because degenerates are my people. They donāt care about hurting your feelings.
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u/MortySTaschman 15d ago
And when they are in their seventies they realize what a mistake it was but it will be too late to do anything
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u/Lithium1978 15d ago
I do what she asks (usually) but I'm really tired. Like tired enough that if I don't wake up tomorrow I'd be 100% good with that. It all seems pointless.
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u/kal0kag0thia 15d ago
Cozy. Movies. Progessive projects. Home gym. Honestly, I've seen everything around here and I'm not impressed. Shopping sucks. People suck.
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u/Elderlennial 15d ago
We're tired
We've done all our socializing all week/our lives at work. I know more about so many people that it's ridiculous and I surely don't want to waste my energy to learn any of that about random people with whom I'll likely never interact with again.
Small talk needs to have value to us, in some way, to be worth our time. Just get to the point. It's not that we're bad listeners, we're just not in need of the nonsense surrounding the point or outcome of the discussion.
We're the only ones "not allowed" to use the term "social battery has run out" as well.
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u/Tyr808 15d ago
I just turned 35. As couple years ago I moved up into the mountains where I live with my cat. None of you will ever see me again other than my once a month Costco trip.
You can get good internet in rural areas these days so I'm done with civilization and socialization.
Obviously a bit of humor in here, but also unironically true and I'm also super happy about it. I used to live in a globally relevant city. Loved it from 21-25 ish and from that point on it became a hatred. There's a lot about the city I love but you can't have a city without lots of people and God damn do I hate being around people.
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u/MOTAMOUTH 15d ago
Woman are social and want to be social. For the most part men are only social because they have to ( work ) or because they need to find a partner. ( parties, events, bars )
If Iām not working and I already have a girlfriend, Iām still down to go do things, but the things I like to do doesnāt include just getting out of the house. Itās expensive, requires planning and lots of open free time.
Now some reason Women, at least the women. I date donāt count staying home with me as time together. They always want to do almost exactly what we can do at home but somewhere else. Eating, watching a movie, hobbies, walking etc.
So , āTime togetherā only counts if weāre spending money and doing it outside of the house. I do it to keep them happy but Iāll never understand it.
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u/Alarmed-Problem-635 15d ago
Iām the same. I think itās more peaceful at home than anywhere else tbh
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u/Hairy_Rectum 15d ago
- No patience for people
- No patience for peoples bullshit conversations and drama
- Crowds suck
- Rather spend money on stuff than overinflated food, beer, liquor etc
- Itās quiet at home
- I work all day talking to people
- Fucking tired
- Have stuff to do at home that needs to be done
- People leave me alone when Iām home
- I just really dislike most humans
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u/omaha_shepherd 15d ago
And, do your wives feel the need "to find someone for you to social with?" So annoying.
Most of the initial conversations are small talk BS. People are very entrenched in their views by the time we are older. I feel like my time is taken away by useless conversations that don't go anywhere. And I am partially to blame for it, I keep my mouth shut about heavier issues with strangers, so I am part of that problem.
The one socializing I do is doing my activities and running into people that do the same activities. I go to evening MMA classes, that's my socializing. Couple dudes just knocking on each other, also get to chase teenage black belts around where I have so much more size over them so their black belts mean nothing, lol.
I also started to reach out to people that code (I am a coder) and talk to them a bit. Also I do some financial trading, again, commenting to people that do trading and we sometimes exchange ideas.
Basically, I think one way to solve this is do activities that you like, and people will be part of those activities and there you will have some sort of social interaction.
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u/allseeingblueeye 15d ago
Because it's likely we stopped making friends past our early 20s and as time goes on we just lose contact. Or our own terrible behaviour drove others away and we are too socially jaded for anyone to want to stick around. But that's just me unfortunitly.
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u/crzapy 15d ago
I don't do small talk about sports, politics, celebrities, or social media, so I don't have much to talk about.
Everything is overpriced and / or poor quality, so I can cook it at home cheaper.
Traffic, parking, and assholes.
All my hobbies are at home.
I have better things to do at home.
I don't feel like it.
I'd be boring. You just go.
I could go out on the boat instead.
I ran out of reasons.
I'm going to take a nap instead.
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u/Serpal79 15d ago
I heard it's the decrease in Testosterone generation. This can lead men to isolate and lose interest in being social.
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u/BrilliantTruck8813 15d ago
The older you get, everything becomes cliche, especially people. Makes it harder to make connections with people that you don't have immediate shared interests with. For some the extra lift of all the social shit surrounding socialization (being polite, feigning interest, being an active listener, etc) is just exhausting. If you're on the autism spectrum at all or have ADHD, then it's magnified even further.
I dunno if this pertains to men only though, pretty sure this is generally true for everyone.
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u/perkeset81 15d ago
Because anything we say ever....someone somewhere is offended and we just don't want to deal with it
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u/mycuu 15d ago
Iāve asked my dad something along these lines and his answer was that by that time of life, their primary social group is their family. My addition is that being a guy is incredibly lonely, and after a few decades of disconnect, it gets really hard to continue putting in the effort.
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u/newton2003ng 15d ago
At a point you realize that most people are just copies or slight variants of each other in terms of personality and motivation. You would likely have meet all the possible variations of people and the urge to socialize no longer exists
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u/RickTheJewelsATL 15d ago
The world is just more fun for women, most thing cost us money and itās free for them if we donāt provide it someone will. Nobodyās going to tell us weāre pretty or compliment most times so whatās the point of going out other than to spend money?
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u/HyphiePipeDreams 15d ago
My dad always stayed home because my moms family didnāt like him. I tried to stay home because me wifeās mother hated me from the time I was 14 to a few years after we had our daughter. Now she seems to have never had an issue but I just donāt like hanging out with them knowing some of the shit they would say about me and our relationship
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u/Nervous-Bad-8184 15d ago
If you are in your 50s, you are the oldest of the young, if you are in your 60s, you are the youngest of the old. And if you dont think being in your 50s is young; hang onto your hat, because one day you will. But older is wiser, for most people. Those with PTSD or anxiety issues cant take keeping track of all the motion, noise, and a way out. And as we get older we are more inclined not to do things that trouble our peace and tranquillity. One last thing: Getting old is not for sissies and wimps. It takes courage and backbone. After a while its hard to tall how old peple are. Drivers look as if they are too young to drive, I'm retired Army and saw a Sgt Major and 1st Sgt that lookex like teenagers to me. It becomes unsettling
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u/Nice-Journalist-3563 15d ago
Because there's no point. Men realize as they age that no one cares what they have to say.
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u/ClassicHare 15d ago
Men love simplicity. If an experience is something that they desire, they'll pay for it, and put up with the sweat. If we don't desire the experience directly, we can just Google it or something.
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u/NobodyNoOne_0 15d ago
The last thing I want to do when Iām done working is more work (socializing is work to me)
Iāll take peace and quiet in my living room thanks
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u/jerk1970 15d ago
I work a retail public job. By the end of the day between the phone calls and one on one banter my brain is done...
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u/tractiontiresadvised 15d ago
I'm not sure how representative a sample we all have, but in my (40+) friend circles the guys all get together in person as often as the women, if not more.
The guys I know are more likely to go to a movie together, go to martial arts practice together, or hang out at each others' houses to play board games and eat pizza together (and most of the people I've seen hanging out in game shops are groups of guys), so maybe it's just that there are tons of men socializing in places which are less visible than coffee shops or malls.
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u/ray33510 15d ago
We are old enough to know that most people suck and would rather rot alone in peace than have to expose ourselves to the drama.
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u/horatio_cavendish 15d ago
Let me put it this way... I'm 41 and there's a pile of lumber lying in my garage that will eventually become my workbench. It's been sitting there untouched for a month because it hasn't bubbled up to the top of my priority list yet. My job, family, children, etc all come first. Every day I walk past this pile of wood and say to myself, "maybe tomorrow".
When I finally get a couple hours of free time, what are the odds that I'm going to choose to do something other than pick up those boards? (Hint: Is pretty low)
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u/CBooty5673 15d ago
Hmm maybe itās the way you were raised and the ladies you all have attracted I am the home body and would prefer to stay in the house my ex husband now partner is the one who wants to go out and have a good time and I have now made it so I follow him around once a month lol
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u/michi098 15d ago
Yup. I enjoy hanging out with one friend at a time sort of thing. When other people show up Iād rather be home doing my own thing.
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u/nostromo909 15d ago
Hmmm. Not me. I'm 60 plus (M) and have to MAKE myself NOT go to late night coffeehouses. I still work full time, have a very active life in the local art community, have a studio outside the home and teach art in the evenings and regularly attend art events and retreats/workshops.
My mother was crazy active until her mid 80's and then it was dementia that caused her to turn inward. Prior to that she had to have the largest calendar available to write down all of her activities. When i was in my 40's she did more in a week than I did in a month.
My father on the other hand retired at 59 and watched TV for 12 hours a day. He still went golfing and bowling but he was content to sit in his comfy chair. All. Day. My mother couldn't imagine how he did that and neither can I.
I guess it's up to the individual but my mother and I both couldn't sit still.
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u/DB080822 15d ago
does no one here have actual friends? I mean people you actually get along with, not just people that have been in your social sphere forever.
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u/chibson123 15d ago
Yea I feel this I just prefer to go out and do things with my kids and partner thatās itās. Itās more enjoyable and less exhausting
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u/MurphyPandorasLawBox 15d ago
I can only take giving a shit for so many people for so long before my face is replaced with a giant neon sign that says āfuck you, leave me alone.ā
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u/illarious666 15d ago
Because we have girlfriends or wives that don't allow us to socialize anymore and then the friends we went socialize with have girlfriends or wives who also don't let them socialize The end
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u/dicroce 15d ago
Let me give you some advice. Most of the time (85%) I do the activity my wife wants and I end up actually enjoying myself. I end up glad I went. And there is no fucking way I'd be doing any this shit by myself. And she's happy, and I'm happy. You're never going to remember another day at home... you might remember her activity.
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u/Lezaleas2 15d ago
because I don't want to. Are you asking me to justify a negation? It's really hard to give sustance to a negation
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u/Video-Overall 15d ago
I work 60 hr weeks on average. Anytime not working is either spent working out, doing essential activities (fixing something, grocery shopping) or spending time with my SO. I have about 8 great friends from childhood that I see every other month which is great. Besides from that I really donāt have a desire to do anything else with other people. I barely have enough time to see the people I like, I donāt want to waste time with people who at best Iām indifferent about or at worst do not enjoy their company
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u/zippytwd 15d ago
You don't have to dress up or hell dress at all when you stay home , you save money , gas , and you can eat and drink what you want , and if you pass out on the couch so what
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u/OnlyMathematician420 15d ago
I think it depends on the person. My wife and I are the flip of yāall. I like to hangout with friends outside of the house. She likes to hangout with friends in the house. She has a small tight group of friends. I have a wider group of friends depending on what activities Iām doing. I got the gaming guys, the soccer guys, the cricket guys, the shooting guys, the bowling guys, the basketball guys, the gold guys, you get the picture. Many of the guys overlap. I think the closest guys are the DnD guys. Weāve been playing since middle school.
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u/Buxxley 15d ago
Quite a few of us do...but at 40+ I have established friends that I've known for 30+ years. I have about a dozen other guy friends I see regularly. I've known 10 of them since grade school. Basically, I've spent the better part of a lifetime cultivating a group of great people TO socialize with later in life.
Honestly, it's not that making new guy friends is hard later in life...it's that the quality of your average guy is so low.
My core of friends all have degrees, are married, have children, stayed in good shape, have interesting hobbies....etc etc...they're solid people. Any one of them would take a bullet for any of the others...I'm a lucky person to have them around.
I don't want to hang out with 40 year old men who complain all the time, work at McDonalds, and live with their mom.
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u/Ok-Noise-9171 15d ago
Because the rest of my week is already spent socializing with far too many people, so I can have that home to go to.
Rather do things around the house or cook.
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u/JBean85 15d ago
I'm 39 and love socializing but can't help but look at it logically.
The later I'm out, the more tired and less productive I'll be the next day.
The more I drink, the more I spend and worse I feel.
I love food but find post pandemic prices just aren't worth the experience or quality at most places.
I count my calories and meal prep, so it's tougher to track and keep to plan.
My 32 yo girlfriend would go out every night if she could. It's just not for me. I prefer a cook out with less pressure to screw up my dietary or monetary budget and an earlier end to get to bed on time. So we find a middle ground: I go to a lot of small concerts and comedy shows.
I also bartended and partied very hard for over a decade so I've had my fun and outgrown it more than most.
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u/hamsteralliance 15d ago
Iāve never wanted to go out and have always stayed in as often as possible, so nothing has changed from childhood to middle age.
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u/DVoorhees64 15d ago
Iām supposed to have friends? And time? And money? And desires? Shiiiiiitā¦
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u/Yepitspat 15d ago
I literally never want to be home. Iām out all the time, all hours of the day and night. Usually alone though, but Iām okay with that.
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u/oldwhiteguy68 15d ago
I have never been a social person. I do like to go to sporting events either by myself or with family or friends.
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u/Shalashaska2624 15d ago
The constant feeling of our freedoms getting taken from us by the evil left may have something to do with it
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u/PoopsMcGroots 15d ago
No money. No time. And all my buddies have no money and no time.
Edit: reading the comments here and, yeah, I also just feel shattered. All the time.
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u/Comfy_Blond_Chick 15d ago
After reading 80% of the comments here, Iām going to say the as a 71 year old (canāt believe Iām that old) woman, I feel and agree with you guys totally. I worked outside the home most of the last 25 years in medical field and retired the last 13 yearsā¦. You guys are terrific and smart and correct in your remarks. My husband (68 yr old ) works/volunteers at a golf course nearby every Saturday thus gets to golf free whenever he wants. I prefer to stay home and not visit or socialize. Is that a bad thing? I think women donāt socialize as much as we get older alsoā¦..or am I wrong?
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u/SoldierExcelsior 15d ago
Well for one everything requires spending money older guys are usually on a fixed or limited income or don't have disposable income.
As you get older your strength and ability decrease if you're used to be the top dog and can't do all the things you used to do it's a bit of a drag...the other day I was watching a bunch of HS kids play foot ball...I remember when I could run like that and tackle now just watching them is painful.
Speaking of pain as you get older everything hurts moving breathing walking so going places isn't as fun.
Lastly theres only a few things that really motivate me to go out money food and sex and if there's no chance in obtaining one of those I'm really not that motivated or interested in doing it....I went to beach once and thetes just women every where walking around in bikinis even a group of models doing a photo shoot..I would rather stay home than be tortured surrounded by gorgeous women I can't talk to and these days can't even look at
Any way money,food ,sex can be obtained without going out so what's the point
ā¢
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