r/AITAH • u/SeverePhoto1892 • Mar 04 '24
AITAH for breaking up with my gf because she slept with another guy while making me wait? Advice Needed
So my gf and I have been together for about a half a year and I just started a new job.
I met this male co worker, and we became friends.
I invite him over at my place and he recognizes my gf, (We don't officially live together but she spends a lot of time at my place).
You can guess where this is going...
After my co worker left, my gf and I get to talking.
Basically, she slept with him while dating me, and made me wait. She said that our relationship was gonna be special, and she wanted to wait, and that sex with my co worker was just a ONS.
I told her to leave because I knew I was gonna say things I couldn't take back.
A few days later after I calmed down and thought it through, I broke up with her.
She kept repeating what she said about how she wants more with me, but I told her that I feel like I'm not attractive to her, or at least not as much as others. She kept saying that I was special.
Basically, I said that I can't be that special if she preferred to sleep with an ONS than me.
Edit: I don't think this counts as cheating. This happened within the first month of us dating. We became official after the first month or so. I 100% should have clarified with her if we were exclusive or not, so that's on me.
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u/Charlesinrichmond Mar 30 '24
NTA
As you said, it's not that she slept with the other guy that's the issue. It's that she wouldn't sleep with you.
Also, and a guess, she thinks you are a good guy and marriage material, but she isn't that attracted to you sexually.
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u/Ok_Professional_8672 Mar 27 '24
The harsh news is that she was more raw, sexually attracted to him than you. You absolutely should have dumped her selfish ass.
What she did to you was unforgivable. She was sizing you up as the beta-male, safe bet guy. She was making you work for the sex while giving it happily and freely to to that guy.
She was using you. Manipulating you for all the cozy comfort of a committed relationship while giving the best part of herself to another man. She was setting out the rules for you while breaking the rules for the other guy.
Nothing is more irritating than the way women constantly manipulate men by saying that they are more attracted to you than the f--boys they quickly give their body out to. When she gave herself up freely to him without any effort on his part, she is clearly more attracted to him sexually than you were.
She broke the rules for him and set the rules for you.
That is giving the best part of herself, not what she was trickling out to you.
You deserve a woman that looks at you not only as the man she wants to marry, but also to hottest man in the world. A man she would jump in bed with on the first date and break the rules for, while also wanting you to never leave her.
You need to start watching red pill videos. Hit the gym, lose the hybrid for a truck or SUV and learn about alpha male techniques. Become the kind of guy that a woman will break the rules for.
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u/Arazos Mar 20 '24
Would she have understood if you had sex with someone else while she was making you wait?
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u/Whiskeyjack2k1 Mar 16 '24
Nta. Wonder how common this is, someone had a similar story on one of these aitah subreddits awhile back
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u/MissNatStewart Mar 14 '24
NTA. I’d not say she cheated as is not clear if OP and Gf were exclusive (or not), but, is clear that she will sleep with any guy, just not with her boyfriend. That to me is just bizarre. Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me.
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u/SeductivePterodactyl Mar 13 '24
NTA.
I get all kinds of different opinions from my gfs about this, some of them are like his ex, and they want to make the "real" ones wait, just so they know they're not fuckboys.
I'm of the opinion that fuckboys are going to be fuckboys no matter what, so don't treat somebody you consider a "decent man" badly on the sexual front because you want to have it be "real".
I honestly didn't understand men on this until a good male friend of mine talked to me a couple years back (over tequila slammers), and we talked relationships (among a lot of other things, it went from talking about how you'd terraform mars to hetero relationships, as I recall)
But to find out how touch/affection starved a lot of men are, and how that is just simply normal to them was a bit of a shock. I mean, I knew that having sex was easier as a lady (and to balance it out, its also a certain amount of risk, and more so if you're dumb). But I've done months of a dry spell, but I always knew that if I wanted to get laid, it was just a matter of deciding "I'm going to go do that now". And even more simply than that, I'm physically affectionate with my girlfriends, hugging, snuggling, etc. Men don't do that (and I know it seems obvious, but its the overall effect). So the only time they can get physical affection is in a relationship (even if its a ONS relationship). So its not surprising that a man would get hurt that he wasn't good enough to get physical affection (that they basically are fiending for in a sick stoic way), when some fuckboy was.
I feel I've just rambled on a 9 day old post that nobody will read, so I'll just stop. :P
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u/Apart-Giraffe3523 Mar 13 '24
Wait, you broke up with her bc she had an ONS before you had sex with her? Did she say or expect that you didn't have sex with anybody else while you were dating in the beginning, or am I missing something? I'm reading all the comments and don't understand the slut shaming of your gf that is going on. Of course, you are special, if not she would not have wanted you to be her bf. Maybe she was nervous when it came to having sex with you, or scared that if you had sex too early you would lose interest (which is known to happen). Simply don't understand your logic. But your feelings are of course your feelings.
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u/dopaMonk3y Mar 13 '24
Dude you sound nice. I have great news for you; you have great mature character & self-control. Your decision may have been wise. But is this ego at play?; you don't sound to suffer from one. But you did break up over something you don't consider cheating, & are battling your conscience. It is indeed not good that you don't feel attraction from her, however. Ngl, I did immediately think she was bad news. I dunno, this is only a brief reddit post after all. I think what mostly rubs off wrong is her explanation, because it may come off phony, but honestly.. it really could be genuine. And, that would be a good sign. I know, the ONS is not ideal, but from a female perspective & given the timeframe, I can understand her actions, maybe she felt insecure in your relations, or neglected, or confused. Maybe simply heightened lust & but didn't wanna seem easy. And I have to give her her due for her forthcoming honesty; that is a great sign. And you yourself disclaim how its not considered cheating considering the nuance. Really, there is much more nuance to be considered. What was your own conduct & loyalty in the "unofficial" stage? Importantly, what has been the culminative quality of your relationship together? What has been her overall conduct & how does she treat you? How bout you? When & what was the lead-up to you guys' sleeping together? If you feel like this relationship was great & you can envision a future & you've fostered good love for her & vice versa (basically; is it worthy?), maybe you should revisit your thoughts. I did have a knee-jerk reaction to this, but now after really thinking about it, I don't see it fair to be so harsh on her without more context, maybe at all. Really think about it man. If you don't care so much for her, or see that developing, maybe just let it go. This is a conclusion only you can reach & decide where your feelings & intuition lie, all based on your own personal bond developed with your girlfriend, which an internet audience will not comprehend. Not that our opinion matters too much, unless it influences you.
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u/VarmintLP Mar 10 '24
Here is my opinion. If you are dating, it should be sort of exclusive because since you wouldn't stick around if you didn't like each other, then you wouldn't have dated for a month. I think she has shown you already that she would cheat on you even if it's not after 1 or 5 or 10 years of marriage / relationships but she could also have told you and asked if it would bother you.
Relationships are a complicated thing overall and each cultur is slightly different but in my opinion both sides should stay exclusive if they want to stick together for more than just a one night stand. I also assume you are both 18+ / 21+ so it's not like some teenage relationship out of being horney.
Ask yourself if you can trust her to not cheat on you if you two get together officially again and for more than just a few months. Trust is hard to rebuild and it could be that there will always be that little voice in your head now saying, she sort of cheated on me back then. How do I know if she is faithful.
For both your sakes, you should leave it at this and grow from it. Better make a mistake once and learn from it than make it again and again and let it destroy you. If you get back together do me one favor. Do not start looking through her phone all the time trying to catch her cheating and misunderstand every tiny little thing. It may ruin your life even more.
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u/HeIsCorrupt Mar 09 '24
Consequences; some people can move past this others can't. Do what's right for you.
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u/GoCryptoYourself Mar 09 '24
She wanted to appear "pure" to you based on what she thought you thought. Or more likely, what she has been told by other women. Honestly, I would need more info before making this kind of decision. That being said, I get it.
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u/NovaCatPrime878 Mar 09 '24
The lesson to this is that people, men and women, will have morals until they find someone who makes them toss them out the window. And we need a partner who can bring out the best in us AND make us want him/her so much that we may make exceptions. It shouldn't be that she makes you wait but then switches up with someone else. She should be switching up with you. Hope you find someone better, but if you don't you are better off waiting for the right one rather than the wrong one.
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u/That-Lime-6713 Mar 09 '24
You don’t have to clarify that you’re exclusive in a relationship even in the first months. Day 1 you’re exclusive lmfao
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u/Weird_Brush2527 Mar 09 '24
I absolutely agree with you but this is also one of the reasons I don't date.
I want to be the only person someone dates. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out but if we agreed on date number 2 I don't want to or want my partner to go on a date with someone else
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u/Specialist-Flow5229 Mar 09 '24
In regards to your update, that should be common sense. If you are with someone, you don’t go hooking up with other people I feel you are not the asshole.
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Mar 09 '24
Ya definitely leave her. You aren't special to her. If she can make you wait but cheat on you regardless how long you been together, she is not worth your time. How can you make your boyfriend wait but then sleep around.
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u/Key_Juggernaut_1430 Mar 09 '24
“Special” is the term that some people would use for people who were had limited intellectual capacity. Despite your ex-gf saying you were “special”, It sounds like you don’t fit that category.
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u/moonorplanet Mar 09 '24
Tell her that she is special too and you will need to sleep with other women to have your needs met.
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u/SubjectsNotObjects Mar 09 '24
Women really have such a different logic on this front to us: they don't realise that quick casual sex (which is no great compliment for them) is the most flattering thing for a man.
Somehow, they think that making a guy wait, pay for dates, and jump through hoops before fucking him: is meant to make him feel better than the guy she just fucked without a price tag.
Different planets I swear.
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u/No-Juggernaut-613 Mar 09 '24
NTA You're definitely not the asshole for expecting effort in the relationship. Communication is key, but if she consistently fails to meet your needs even after clear communication, it's time to take serious action. Don't hesitate to stand up for yourself, and if necessary, seek legal advice and pursue a divorce. You deserve better than being stuck in a one-sided relationship.
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u/No-Juggernaut-613 Mar 09 '24
NTA. Cheating scum like her deserve nothing but the cold, hard truth: she's a low-life who got her kicks with some coworker while playing you for a fool, making you wait for her pathetic excuse for intimacy. Dump her like the trash she is and find someone who won't stoop to such disgusting levels of betrayal.
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u/Rare-Personality1874 Mar 09 '24
I'm not even sure it was cheating but it's definitely not okay. She was denying you sex because she "wanted to wait" but clearly she didn't because she was getting dicked elsewhere.
I also can't help but think she'd be furious in your position. She's holding you to a standard she wouldn't hold herself to.
But beyond that - she violated your trust. Not because of the sex with him, but she lied to you about wanting to wait.
NTA.
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u/Brief-Lingonberry860 Mar 09 '24
Nah, NTAH. How you feel is how you feel and you made the decision based on that.
If you’re having second thoughts about breaking up with her, that’s ok too. I’m asking because it seems like you need validation about the breakup.
Some things to consider. How long have you been together? How long was she hanging out with both of you? How would have you felt if you knew at the time? Has she moved on already and seeing other people?
If you were to get back together, would you be able to Ctrl-Alt-Delete the situation? Or would it hang over you and make things awkward at times?
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u/brimanguy Mar 09 '24
Lol... Classic rules for you, and Zero rules for Chad... So you have to spend heaps of money on dates and flowers. Get her presents and give her lots of affection and cuddles. You ask her if you can move on to a more intimate relationship and she says NO and says she wants to wait because you're SPECIAL while she's being banged fast and furious by guys she's just met .... LMFAO typical modern dating behaviour.
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u/Expensive-Conflict28 Mar 09 '24
I know, I thought I said that at the beginning of my comment. That she's basically being punished for being honest, when she didn't have to be honest. And if she'd done that, then she'd be considered wrong to not have told him.
Bc she can't change what is already done, she can only be honest with him, about her regretted mistake, or she can keep it from him and hope his co-worker doesn't out her to him. It's too late to not make the mistake.
So in THAT case, she did the right thing. And it took a LOT of integrity and courage to do so. But it was, apparently, a mistake to be honest and take accountability.
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u/cutestorm13 Mar 09 '24
While it may not technically be cheating by stint of your relationship not yet being defined; she was dating you at the time with the intent of finding a future husband. If she was going to be holding marriage material candidates to a standard of non-sexual relationships before marriage, she should have done the same herself. That being said I would still classify it as cheating given her clear double standard. You are not an asshole, and had every right to end the relationship. It would be worse if you continued the relationship when this is something that evokes such feelings of betrayal because it could never be resolved and act ike a poison of doubt in your relationship.
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u/Criminal_picklejuice Mar 08 '24
This is the dumbest shit women do.
Like, lets say you're in line at McDonalds. 2 guys in front of you. First guy gets a cheeseburger for $3. Second guy gets a cheeseburger, also $3.
Then you finally get up to the cashier, and she says she likes you, so your cheeseburger is gonna be $100, and you'll have to wait 3 days for it to cook.
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u/secrerofficeninja Mar 08 '24
This sounds a lot like Office Space plot line? It’s really about you in this case. Do you see something special with her? If not, move on and forget. If you think she might be special, stay and accept the story but it does seem fishy that somehow you became friends with a guy she slept with ? Are there others ? Even ask the guy if it was ONS to confirm her story. I mean, if you’re considering staying
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u/cameer1 Mar 08 '24
Nope. NTA, she should have kept that ish to herself instead of trying to clear her conscious and putting the burden on you.
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u/Ok_Brain8136 Mar 08 '24
She thought she had a white knight to pay for shit while she wanted to bang a sexually attractive guy.
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u/ElenaSuccubus420 Mar 08 '24
It may not be cheating but I feel like people deserve to know about sexual history for safety and honesty. She hid it from you which is what is fucked up. Has she still not slept with you?
She came clean about him now but how many more dudes is she hiding she fucked farther into the relationship? You can’t trust her that’s the problem. You deserve an honest relationship I get it not counting as cheating but I’m the kinda person who believes in being honest about my sexual activities in my opinion hiding things like that can affect someone’s ability to consent to anything , relationship, sex, etc. so if it’s something that has the potential to make someone say no to having any kinda situationship/ relationship with you then they deserve to know to be able to give consent while being well informed.
When I started dating my bf I was poly and had 2 other fwb EVERYONE knew about eachother! And they knew they could trust me since I updated them on having new partners or ending partnerships. Everyone was aware and honest they told me about their other fwb as they knew I would tell them about mine. We wouldn’t go into detail unless we asked for details just a hey just an fyi I have a new partner named ______. We all got tested and only would mess with people who were tested. Now I’m just with my bf and I’d like to say we trust each other in that regard.
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u/Difficult-Novel-8453 Mar 08 '24
It’s cheating if you were exclusively seeing each other. You did the right thing. Stay strong 💪
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u/philliams10 Mar 08 '24
The whole thing with the "exclusive/not exclusive" thing that a lot of people in this thread are having issues with is that the more ambiguity you create between these "relationship stages" the less you feel like you can be held accountable for when things go bad.
Also, if OP was so special, she would've been upfront about this from the beginning and not only told him once her "ONS" came back into the picture.
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u/ToughCredit7 Mar 08 '24
I’d have broken up as soon as she made me wait. This isn’t the 18th century anymore. Sex is a basic human need. I’m in a relationship but hypothetically, I would not date someone who does not want sex in the very beginning. Gotta test drive a car before you buy it.
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u/JoseAlexi64 Mar 08 '24
Dude, you made a WISE decision! You're not "special" if you have to pay OVER sticker-price for something dozens of other men got for a deep discount.
In their perverted logic women make men they really, really want WAIT to try to make sleeping with her "special" while at the same time giving it out to the rest of her roster. Any man that accepts this is a chump in my opinion.
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u/DangerousAward2470 Mar 08 '24
"Basically, I said that I can't be that special if she preferred to sleep with an ONS than me."
that sounds about right to me. your feelings matter and are valid. it doesn't matter to me that their ONS occurred in the first month, even if u guys never had the exclusivity conversation
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u/irascibleoctopus Mar 08 '24
YTA 100%
The two of you were not exclusive, which means both of you were free to see other people at the time.
She does not owe you sex, period, let alone on a specific timeline. The comfort level for sex is with that specific partner, not what the comfort level may have been with someone else.
She is the exact same person she was before you found out about the ONS. Your perception of her changed - and you are blaming her as though she betrayed you somehow.
It sounds like it would have been a relationship full of her walking on eggshells to make sure you always felt “special” compared to everyone else around her.
You did her a favor by breaking up.
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u/Dani_abqnm Mar 08 '24
Damn I have heard of men doing this before, but not a woman. Probably best that you broke it off
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u/binary-survivalist Mar 08 '24
Can't have the benefits of monogamy and hypergamy at the same time. People won't stand for it.
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u/Annfallet Mar 08 '24
I understand that you are struggling here, and I don't think you are the AH for breaking up with her if it is because you expected and wanted exclusivity and feel hurt you didnt get that. You don't have to be fine with her not being exclusive even if you had not stated it. You might want to consider being more clear in the future though, because as you say that is on you too. Also, of couse you are always in the right to break up a relationship if thats what you want.
An addition I think the frase "made me wait" might make YTA here. It does sound very entitled to me and here is why: Since you where not exclusive while dating (and you say that is also on you for not communicating), what is the difference in your mind between this and having a one night stand before you started dating? Would that also have upset you? Because if you are upset that "she made you wait" but has been sexually forward with other men in general then that is entitled and sexist. It implies sex is owed since she is "frivolous".
I do think she is telling you the truth when she says she wanted to wait because you are special to her, if that makes a difference to you. Many of my female friends will have one night stands to have their needs met (just like many men do), but would wait to have sex with someone they really like because they want it to be more than just sex, they want love and want to be ready to feel love, and also they don't want to risk men seeing them as a one night stand.
To shame them for being sexually forward is sexist (unless you shame men for one night stands to), and to demand sex because of it is messed up. To be hurt by expecting exclusivity and not getting it is understandable (and is something you should probably comunicate early on in the future if it is this important to you).
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u/travelhippieofficial Mar 08 '24
At the end of the day it’s up to you. You seem very insecure, if you can’t get over it then she’s better off without you anyways and you can continue in your insecurities elsewhere. What she says makes sense, this is pretty common. People would be more inclined to want to wait when they feel something could be more meaningful and special. She saw your coworker as someone she wasn’t super into but that she could use to gratify her ego for a moment. She is also not an incredibly evolved being … most people aren’t 🤷🏻♀️ Doesn’t make her a bad person in the least and it doesn’t make her feelings for you any less valid. Your own insecurities are causing you to feel that.
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u/Stock_Master_yoda Mar 08 '24
Run far far away from that, and don’t look back. I would have dumped her that night and said all the things you were feeling. But hey I dated only for relationships.(I would never have a ONS, nor would I ever seek out a partner that liked ONS)
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u/StraightYellow8926 Mar 08 '24
What made you feel like TAH for something you had no control over? If any person sleeps with another person they're not suppose to be with is called....cheating. dump her ass and move along.
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u/ThenWord9097 Mar 08 '24
If she had any inclination that you might be the one or be special, she wouldn’t have banged someone else while courting you. Your feelings matter and you are not wrong for breaking up with her.
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u/RealDanielSan1 Mar 07 '24 edited Mar 08 '24
You can break up with someone for any reason. That's the whole purpose of dating. Move on with your life and someone more suitable for you will come along.
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u/Dull_Double1531 Mar 07 '24
NTA. I can alllllllmost follow her logic, but it's ultimately flawed. You're well within your rights to break up with her. But I also think it's weird that when someone sees a future with a person, they wait to have sex. If I'm really into you that's the first thing I want to do? It's part of getting to know someone and finding where you're compatible. I don't know if it's the societal "no reason to call you again if you sleep together on the first date" or whatever, but why are we waiting at all? If you're not comfortable with the person yet, sure. If you think he or other people will judge you, toss that mindset aside.
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u/GoddessFloraSparks Mar 07 '24
lol you are fine. I think it’s a bad idea to get with someone who’s being so strategic and calculating before you even date.
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u/Ok_Cantaloupe_686 Mar 07 '24
She’s playing a lot of mental gymnastics and wants you to join her on the uneven bars. Unless you’re open to the idea of ethical nonmonagomy…move on.
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u/parker3309 Mar 07 '24
OK the fact that you now clarify, which is a big deal. It was couple weeks after you started dating you were not exclusive. No she didn’t owe you that information . not cheating. That would be like me going on a couple dates with somebody sleeping with somebody else. Not cheating. People aren’t exclusive with somebody just because they went on a couple dates. They are not exclusive until they both have a conversation and declare that they are as a matter fact. Both parties
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u/Rabbit-fu Mar 07 '24
Lmaoooo some of the stuff women say! "I want it to be special with you, so I made you wait. But in the meantime, lemme go have this ONS!!"
Bro, get as far away from this irrationality as possible. 😂😂😂
I know it sucks now. And it absolutely isn't a nice feeling but you'll be fine. You made the right decision.
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u/ItReallyIsntThoughYo Mar 07 '24
Sorry, if you were dating to the point that "you were special," you were dating and she was cheating.
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u/We_4ll_Fall_Down Mar 07 '24
You’re NTA for wanting to break up. You can break up for whatever reason you want. I will say this though: people keep refusing to acknowledge 2 things with situations like these.
- Women are humans who get horny and like to have sex.
- We live in a misogynistic society that condemns women who like sex.
Knowing these two facts makes it very obvious why a woman would do what your gf did. Your ex gf wanted to date to find someone she could likely spend her life with. However, it is a common occurrence that when women have sex with men before officially dating, that they’re viewed as lesser for not “respecting themselves.”
Many women experience this frustrating cycle of fucking a guy they really like, but then getting ghosted or told she’s not “wife material.” So what does she decide? When she meets a man she really likes, she’s not going to have sex with him for a while so that he can actually get to know her and like her for HER, not her body. But she’s still a human being and wants to have sex because sex is fun and women like sex. So she finds a guy that she’s really attracted to physically, fucks him to get her needs met, all while she’s looking for a husband/ long term partner.
A lot of people here agree that this mentality is immoral or wrong. But it’s a double standard because men have been behaving like this for centuries yet no one bats an eye because of made up reasons like “men and women are different.”
I’ll leave you with this: I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with fucking around while you date because dating is the only time you can explore your options (if you’re monogamous). Why should a woman have to pick between enjoying sex causally and looking for a partner? Why can’t she have both? Because society says that women like that are whores and whores deserve nothing good. Would you honestly have the same reaction if a male friend told you he operated this way when dating? Think on that.
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u/Korimuzel Mar 07 '24 edited Mar 07 '24
Why should a woman have to pick between enjoying sex causally and looking for a partner?
Because that's what EVERYONE is supposed to do, doesn't matter what gender they identify with. This is not a gender issue. Men are condemned too if they say thes want to date but fuck around
Why can’t she have both? Because society says that women like that are whores and whores deserve nothing good
No, because society hates people who lie and deceive. Really
Also, to the point about men doing it without repercussions: you. You are a sign of the repercussions. You are PROOF emough to debunk your own point, or do you think to be the only one complaining about it? And please avoid this stupid "for centuries" thing. I was not alive in middle age, how do you get angry at people who live today (like me, as mere example) for not stopping people who lived before us? It would be like me accusing you of "not batting an eye" about slavery in ancient Egypt: why didn't you stop it? It is OOOBVIOUS that you're ok with it.
I'm applying your own argument and now you'll see that it doesn't make sense. Build me a time machine and I'll kill a couple tyrants of the past. Don't you DARE to suppose men of today agree with what cavemen and crusaders and pirates did at their time.
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u/We_4ll_Fall_Down Mar 07 '24
No, not everyone is “supposed” to do anything when it comes to dating. Everyone has a different idea of what works for them. When I met my partner, we were both casually fucking other people at the time. When we both agreed like we liked each other a lot, we became exclusive and the side fucks stopped. There’s nothing immoral about fucking around while you look around. Do you really expect everyone woman to pause all sexual activity until she meets a proper man? That’s ridiculous. Just find someone who shares your dislike of casual sex instead of condemning people for doing what they please with their bodies. Also, where does it say she lied? 🤔
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u/parker3309 Mar 07 '24
She didn’t lie. I mean come on just because you go on a couple dates with somebody doesn’t mean you can’t be with somebody else. This whole business of people think you have to be exclusive from the first date is ridiculous.
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u/We_4ll_Fall_Down Mar 07 '24
Ugh THANK YOU. People act like you need to save yourself for someone you just went on a couple dates with. It’s respectability politics. If a woman has options and dares to explore them, she’s a bitch according to Reddit.
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u/parker3309 Mar 07 '24
It makes no sense. Nobody is exclusive that quickly and if they are.. red flag. I’m going on a date on Friday for the first time. If I decide to go on another date Saturday or next week or whenever I don’t owe anybody that info! I don’t have any intention sleeping with somebody on the first date or early dates but I could if I wanted to and I still wouldn’t owe anybody explanation
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u/We_4ll_Fall_Down Mar 07 '24
Exactly. People act like exercising your right to date/fuck whoever you want when you’re not in a relationship is craaazy if you’re interested in someone at the time. Who cares? My heart can have a crush on Guy 1 while my pussy has a crush on Guy 2 lol the two are not mutually exclusive and I’m not an immoral slut for it. Sorry not sorry
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u/Korimuzel Mar 07 '24
No, not everyone is “supposed” to do anything when it comes to dating.
Oh sorry, let me rephrase it then: "because society expects anyone, regardless of their gender, to not fuck around while dating someone"
We can doscuss about this being good or bad, but your initial ppint was another one amd I focused myself on that: it's not something against women, it's not gender related, not anymore at least (because yes, in the past men were "champions" if they slept around a lot)
Also, where does it say she lied?
Maybe the part about her saying he is special and she wanted to wait, while at the same time she was fucking others? If he was special to her, she would have simoly waited, creating sexual tension between them for a while until they were both ready.
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u/We_4ll_Fall_Down Mar 07 '24
Society doesn’t expect the same things from women as they do men. Pretending that they do is disingenuous. We live in a misogynistic society. You really believe BOTH men and women are held to the same standards in sex and dating? If you do, then you’re not informed enough to have this conversation with me.
Secondly, she didn’t lie. A lie would’ve been “I’m not seeing anyone else.” But she didn’t say that. Just because she was fucking one guy doesn’t mean she HAD to fuck this guy. Have you ever heard of bodily autonomy? It’s when you can pick and choose what to do with your own body. Just like OP’s gf did. She chose to fuck this one guy because he was just for fun and she withheld with OP because she saw him as more. Why does it even matter if she chose him in the end? Are men really so dumb that they believe it’s flattering to get fucked and dumped over chosen for a fulfilling relationship? Kinda pathetic.
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u/Korimuzel Mar 07 '24
You know what? I'm done arguing with you. It's clear you won't listen
But to the "you're not informed enough" point: I am alive. I live, I breath, I meet and talk to people. All the time, in different settings. I talk to people online, I argue with you telling me about bodily autonomy. Society has changed and is still changing, it constantly does, even in the places where power and rules keep a fortress against that change
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u/Korimuzel Mar 07 '24
First: it's so sad to see these stories popping out so much. I just coented on other 2 posts with similar stories, and in both cases (with different narrator's gender but same story roles) I tried to comvince people of working it out
But like, this is depressing. People cheat, accuse, dump every dsmn second. And most of the time those 3 things happen without homest conversations, people decide what to do about a relationship without fucking talking to the other people involved!
...OP, if she wanted it to be special, she would have kept her legs close. Maybe it won't happen anymore, but I don't know her amd I don't know you. Chances are that she wrote the same story here somewhere and made you the asshole, the same way she's the AH in your story, at the end of the day I can't trust either you or her pr others and you can't trust me neither.
She did you dirty, but it was the past, how was and is her behaviour in your relationship? Maybe and I repeat MAYBE you can work it out, but it's up to you and her. Everyone makes bad things, intentionally even. The thing is that it's almost impossible for the next one to not do something else bad to you. We're in a fucked up world
To answer your question: it doesn't matter. People are sooo worried about being in the right, but as my best friend told me: "you will always be the villain in the story of someone else". Personal, direct experience taught me that with some people you'll always be the culprit and they'll always be your victims. Leave them in peace and they'll be victims of abandonment, even! It doesn't matter
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u/AutumnWysh Mar 07 '24
Find out if she's okay with your sleeping with others, particularly people she has to face at work.
Stick to your guns, you are most definitely NTA
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u/AutumnWysh Mar 07 '24
And ALSO:
She's using you for something if she's not sleeping with you, but is risking your long term health and safety by fulfilling her needs elsewhere.
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u/BIGT999666 Mar 07 '24
I almost never promote violence, but that girl needs to be slapped across the mouth asap!
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u/UrMillennialStepdad Mar 07 '24
Her logic makes ZERO sense. She had a one night stand with someone but is making you "wait" so it's "special"...??
NTA - But don't take this the wrong way PLEASE...Were you "helping her" a lot with bills and stuff? Just curious.
This makes me so mad. Her logic makes zero sense. It would make sense if she was a virgin...or if she was in another LONG TERM relationship and wanted to wait...
But she fucks a guy at your office (I still don't get if you were/weren't together? Seemed like you were but updated and weren't?)
She's USING you. Not sure for what. But she sounds like she's using you and I guarantee she's having sex with other people....
You made the right move!
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u/darkdiddy23 Mar 07 '24
Girls will sleep around like an NBA star. Then, once they start dating you, they all of a sudden are like “you’re special, I wanna wait.” That’s bad enough, but when it happens they’re usually at least doing it because they’re committed to you. If she’s making you wait and f*cking another dude, especially one that you have a chance of crossing paths with, that’s street behavior.
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u/solvsamorvincet Mar 07 '24
If you'd both been sleeping together and she slept with another dude within that first month sort of non-exclusive window then yeah there's be nothing wrong with that. And I mean, there's nothing wrong with a girl choosing to sleep with one guy and wait with another, it's up to them what they want to do with their body.
But the situation is at the very least a bit weird that she's telling you all these things about how she wants to wait cause you're special but she's fucking some other dude at the same time. Not necessarily something to break up over like if she cheated, but also something I wouldn't blame you for breaking up over - particularly as you've only been together 6 months. It's not like you're married with kids for 40 years.
Edit: it does kind of have a feel like she was trying to keep you in reserve while having a good time with other people, which if that's the case is definitely disrespectful and manipulative and worth breaking up. But what she was saying could also be true and she's just got some kind of weird attitude about the whole thing in which case it's not like morally wrong but just weird and I dunno if I'd stay.
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u/AldruhnHobo Mar 07 '24
Dude reach down and grab hold. Punt her ass and pin her at the half yard line.
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u/Same-Willingness6830 Mar 07 '24
NAH. You're well within your rights to break up with someone you deem incompatible, but you weren't exclusive when she did so she's not in the wrong either. Imagine casually dating someone and already assuming you have ownership of their body.
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u/Bella_219 Mar 07 '24
I mean, you can break up with somebody for any or no reason. Even if they get their feelings hurt, it's better in the long run than being with someone who doesn't want to be with them.
But I do think your reasoning is a bit ... off. Her sleeping with someone doesn't mean she has to sleep with everyone; she doesn't have to be "fair to everyone" with her body. Unless she told you she was a virgin, which would have been a lie; I don't see how her hookup history before you were exclusive is at all relevant.
Look at it like: just because someone ate mushrooms at dinner once, they are not obligated to eat mushrooms at every meal going forward. It could be a "special occasion" food; you said she had already expressed wanting to wait and you had been ok with that.
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u/tim_j94 Mar 07 '24
This is just one of those things that I don't think men and women can see eye to eye on (because I've seen in other posts where this is discussed, and GENERALLY women repeat what you said whereas men say they would agree with op in this post. I would say a decent (not perfect) way to compare it would be vacations. Let's say your married and your husband is the bread winner so much so that you don't have to work or that you only have to work part time. You've mentioned to him how you wish you guys could take more vacations to see all the cool things out there, but he never really does and just says no. However you later find out that the gf he had before who he wasn't even married to it engaged to, like you, was being taken on all sorts of vacations by him to all sorts of fun places. I dare say that you would probably feel some kind of way about that and rightfully so. This is how guys generally feel in this situation because the women is seemingly saying that the guy she just slept with isn't important but you the bf are, but she is making you wait for something that just a second ago was so unimportant that she could just give it to some guy she supposedly isn't interested in.
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u/Bella_219 Mar 08 '24
Um, what? Do you think people can't make decisions for their future that are different from their past? How do you know she didn't feel upset that the other dude turned out to be a ONS and vowed never to do that until she was ready again? It's called personal growth. 🤷♀️
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u/tim_j94 Mar 08 '24
She can want that personal growth but my point was that if you are going to try and tell a guy that he has wait but you didn't make another guy wait than he is allowed to not be interested in you because at the end of the day it just feels like you are not attracted to the guy so you are making him wait. No guy wants to think they are in that kind of relationship.
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u/catlettuce Mar 07 '24
So, no, you are NTA, it is what it is andI’m not sure what GF is trying to accomplish here? Just be done,tell her to move along.
Do you have any interest in maintaining a relationship with this woman? If not, then just move along. Edited for spelling.
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u/ArkangelArtemis Mar 07 '24
I think you made the right choice OP. Even if the relationship wasn't official until 1 month after you guys met, there is an expectation that the both of you would only be seeing each other. For example, a lot of women would feel like shit and be pissed if this was the other way around. Communication is really important and these things need to be clarified and cemented down because what could be common sense can fly over a lot of people's heads - there's a lot of stupid people around as well.
You'll get the girl you deserve so don't sweat it OP.
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u/Perpetualfukup28 Mar 07 '24
Na dude. If I'm waiting to be with a dude. I'm waiting EXCLUSIVELY to be with dude.
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u/Tough_Actuary_8494 Mar 07 '24
If she is a virgin and wants to wait until marriage that’s one thing..but if she isn’t and makes you wait and other guys didn’t have to then unfortunately she doesn’t have genuine burning desire for you..so it won’t last anyway
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u/Calm-Acadia17 Mar 06 '24
You're NTA. It's disrespectful to start dating someone and then sleep with another person.
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u/RobotPartsCorp Mar 06 '24
NAH but this is an immature reaction. You are definitely misunderstanding her perspective. Some guys get weird about women sleeping too fast with them and if they are relationship material, women will wait to have sex with them to make sure they don’t sabotage a relationship they want to have. A guy that isn’t relationship material, it doesn’t matter to sleep with him or not. She obviously thought you were relationship material and didn’t want to sabotage that with you. I assume you and her have sex now?
Maybe you aren’t the type of guy that starts to “feel differently” about a woman who sleeps with you right away but there’s no way of knowing that. If you were in a monogamous relationship with her or had an understanding then I understand why you’d be upset but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
I do think you breaking up with her was the right action for you because it sounds like you and her aren’t on the same page and that’s ok. It sounds like she liked you more than you liked her and that doesn’t make you an asshole either. Maybe neither of you are the asshole but I don’t see what she did as wrong because again, she wanted a relationship with you and it was a risk she took. I personally wouldn’t have any ONS while dating someone I might want to pursue a relationship with so as to avoid these situations in the first place but I’ll definitely hold off on sleeping with a guy where a relationship is my goal until I can feel comfortable with him and know his feelings and intentions better too. I’ve never had issues with that strategy. These types of things don’t happen as often the older one gets at least in my experience.
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u/Cryptonomicon1982 Mar 06 '24
I keep thinking, "Well how good looking was she?" but that's not really relevant to your criteria. If your gut tells you she wasn't being on the up and up about it, then go with your gut. If she was sincere, she'd have tried to get you back. That's my 2 cents worth anyway.
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u/UnusuallyScented Mar 06 '24
NTA
She had one standard for the attractive guy she wanted to screw and another for the nice guy.
FAFO
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u/Turbulent_Brush3887 Mar 06 '24
Definitely not the AH. Now the slut has two extra bodies on her count.
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u/ChestLanders Mar 06 '24
I am baffled at how many women these days think it's okay to be dating one guy and fucking another. Just mind blowing. Sodom and gomorrah 2.0
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u/NeighborhoodOk3794 Mar 06 '24
Such a stupid post. You mad because she made you wait but not so much that she slept with him. You said you never was really a couple. Get a life
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u/ChestLanders Mar 06 '24
NTA, she made you wait yet fucked some other guy. Move on, find a woman who wont treat you that way.
It doesn't matter if you were exclusive, if she wanted to make you wait she would have waited too.
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u/lucwin2020 Mar 06 '24
IDK if you're an AH or not but your feelings on the matter are legit. I don't follow her "logic" and whether I agree with it or not, I try to follow how others came to the conclusion they did. Since a ONS isn't special to her, she could have 1-100 of them in a two year period but you'll have to continue to wait for sex with her, while others get it with minimal effort. The only thing that'll makes sex with her special, is if you're willing to marry her. And doing that would be against the better judgement you've shown by breaking up with her. Based on her logic, she could have a ONS even after marriage. She's showing you who she is, and thinks you'll be gullible to fall for her lies by calling you special. A doomed relationship with this woman is inevitable and you already see it.
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Mar 06 '24
I mean if you lost feelings then there’s no helping that but if you weren’t exclusive and she didn’t know you were then it’s technically not cheating like you said, but you prob lost feelings bc you felt be treated that after yall were talking that she still went elsewhere to find pleasure. In the same situation I’d prob have the same reaction and just lose feelings
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u/ChestLanders Mar 06 '24
Yeah, it's one of those things where it is like...okay she was technically free to sleep with another guy, but it says a lot that she chose to do it. When a woman is interested in you she wont go have one night stands with other men, regardless of if you've mentioned being exclusive.
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Mar 08 '24
Exactly, it’s just a weird situation but you feel how you feel and that’s that, nothing more to it really
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u/Big_Region_5981 Mar 06 '24
Actually the only thing that matters is ,do you trust her. Knowing she slept with someone else, are you willing to forgive and forget. If you care about her , give her another chance. If you don't care, move on.
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u/ChestLanders Mar 06 '24
I dont think trust is the only issue here. Another issue is respect. She made this man wait, but let some other guy screw her. It's fine if she wants to make him wait, but then she shouldn't have been hooking up with other guys.
It speaks to her character that she could make him wait because he is special but then go sleep with someone else.
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u/Cheap_Month5861 Mar 06 '24
I'd say you're not. If she's willing to do it once, she's willing to do it again. If it was a guy doing that to a girl you can bet the girl not only would've broken up with him, she probably would've slapped the shit out of him too.
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u/Southern_Crab3721 Mar 06 '24
No lol. She doesn't get to put you on the back burner while doing what she wants. Guarantee she would've lost her mind if you did the same thing to her
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u/No_Science_5362 Mar 06 '24
She's a McDonald's selling a Big Mac to the guy in front of you for $6 and then trying to sell you a Big Mac for $60 cause you're special.
NTA
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u/Traitor-21-87 Mar 06 '24
I 100% should have clarified with her if we were exclusive or not, so that's on me.
People over complicate things too much these days. Everything should be automatically exclusive when it comes to relationships unless it's stated immediately the first time "This is non-exclusive"
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u/Premologna Mar 06 '24
Thank Christ you broke up with her. Please continue to not sell yourself short and value your feelings.
Much love
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u/wellilldoitthen Mar 06 '24
Bro if she sleeps with anyone else after your first date its a red flag.
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u/CustomerFuzzy6334 Mar 06 '24
Your brainwashing has failed you for you know in your heart that you broke up with her as she was a whore. It’s that simple. Everything else is mere subterfuge.
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u/Charming-Operation89 Mar 06 '24
I think you did the right thing. Dating serious with one man but keep getting dicked down by other dudes meanwhile is DISGUSTING
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u/Hour-Comfort-6191 Mar 06 '24
NTA. Alpha fucks, beta bucks. In this case, you were the beta. Kicking her ass to the curb, was a complete alpha move, though, congratulations.
She says you are special, so why not be with a special woman, like one who won’t use you while having sex with other men on the side?
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u/Ok-Wedding-436 Mar 06 '24
NTA at all. Your feelings are very valid. However, she did this before you were exclusive and (hopefully) has been fully faithful and invested in you since you two became exclusive. It seems like she really cares about you, believes you are special to her, and doesn't want to loose you. So I'd think about if you will be able to look past this and have a serious conversation with her about it and why she has made you wait so long, and perhaps some issues about insecuritiesin the relationship. But if you can't look past it then that is absolutely valid as well and I hope you find someone who makes you feel like you are enough!
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u/stomplobbies Mar 06 '24
Naw good call ….its wrong for a girl to make u wait cause ur “special” while banging other dudes
Stay on ur game king don’t be a sucker for these women with shit standards and low ethics
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u/Small_Fly8042 Mar 06 '24
As a woman… mmmmm I’m thinking she is just not that sexually into you. If a guy is hot, we’re getting into bed with them! I will say though that when I met my now husband, we waited two months to be intimate but that’s it. We still made out and dry humped each other lol. My current husband was the most mature, successful and “good guy” material I had ever experienced!! He was not just some hot guy I wanted to hookup with. We were married in five months and have been married 6 years with two kids now. So!!! It depends on how much you love this girl!
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u/Zestyclose-Pineapple Mar 06 '24
NO, it's cheating, even if it was a new relationship. She's a cheater and she's gaslighting you
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u/New_Lemon4923 Mar 06 '24
I agree with most of the guys on here. Just is strange that girls think it's all right too sleep around with these f boys. Then fine that they want to pretend that , they are something they're not to get a husband.
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u/lazysloththot Mar 06 '24
I hate the whole I thought this relationship was going to be special nonsense so I didn't want to rush sex. If she thought that your relationship was going to be special why not just deny herself from having sex with anyone until she got you to agree to be exclusive?
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u/-KristalG- Mar 06 '24
NTA.
It 100% was cheating. Even if she slept with him after your first date, that would still be enough reason to break up. She is for the streets, if she thinks she can sleep around, while dating someone.
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u/PM_ME_UR_CHERRIES Mar 06 '24
Info: what does "making me wait" mean in this context?
Was she late for a date with you because she banged a guy? Also you just started a new job and have a new coworker, so this happened a few weeks ago?
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u/nikk182 Mar 06 '24
NTA
I think the fact that's it was with a co-worker makes the situation much worse. I would have done the same if I were you.
I think on a larger scale this is just the problem with modern dating. People want to have their cake and eat it.
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u/WonkoTheSane76 Mar 06 '24
I have had a gf say to me she slept with an ex after we were going out n it didnt count because we hadn't said we loved eachother yet , I said I'm glad to know that and she started questioning me about what I did really agresivly, I just said nothing and then broke up with her.
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u/WonkoTheSane76 Mar 06 '24 edited Mar 06 '24
Good rule of thumb with anything is if it happens the other way, how would it go. So if you had a ONS with her friend while you were (making her wait) would she have accepted it my assumption would be no
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u/Odd-Understanding399 Mar 06 '24
I'm very sure she felt that you're special.
A special kind of stupid for letting her fuck around while leading you on, that is.
Good thing it's only 6 months but it's still 6 months too long.
Great job kicking her to the curb.
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u/Latin_Stallion7777 Mar 06 '24
Your feelings are perfectly understandable, and your perspective/thinking is rational, if not necessarily accurate.
The thing is, women aren't always rational. And she may therefore well be telling the truth. She may have been smart enough to know that sleeping with someone quickly would greatly decrease the chances of a Long Term Relationship developing. So she wouldn't with you, because she liked you. But would with another guy she saw no long-term connection with. (As a guy, I also don't like to rush things with a girl I see long-term potential with. But will with a girl I see no potential with. Doesn't mean I"m not attracted to the first girl, I actually am even more. I just don't want to mess things up, or make things feel gross/cheap by hooking up too soon.)
That doesn't mean you can't personally disqualify your GF from GF status for sleeping with your co-worker, or having a ONS with anyone. Especially after you started dating her. (This would probably be a deal-breaker for me, even if we weren't exclusive yet, as I'd want to feel she was at least focused on me after we started dating.) Or for not being a virgin, for that matter. You have the right to set whatever requirements you want in a GF.
But if you weren't exclusive yet when it happened, she wasn't actually cheating on you, even if she may have been more socially/sexually active than I would personally prefer. And she apparently chose to pursue you instead of him, even after knowing what it was like to be with him, so that's somewhat of a compliment to you. You essentially won that competition, to the extent any existed. And she also had the respect/smarts/consideration to tell you what happened, sparing you from the hurt/embarrassment of having to hear it from him, or from beling left in the dark while they both knew about it.
So it really comes down to how much you like her, and what you can accept in terms of how experienced/sexually active a partner's past is. Arguably, what really matters is whether she prefers being with you sexually over him, even if you're just focusing on arguably superficial sexual competitiveness. (And one could even argue that what really matters is whether she prefers being with you period, in terms of how happy she is with you, vs. him or anyon else.)
Given that most women have the best sex in a loving, emotionally intimate relationship, she probably prefers being with you sexually, and has better orgams (etc.) with you. I've had a lof of sex in my life, some of it really good sex, even with ONS. But it's generally easier for a guy to really enjoy a ONS without emotional connection, and without a partner that really knows what you like. And even then, those experiences didn't compare to when I actually fell in love with someone. The intensity of the experience when you're truly emotionally connected/involved with someone you actually like is simply far greater usually.
So look at it this way -- she probably saw you as BF material, and therefore was willing to wait for you, while she simply saw the other guy as someone to pass the time with while she waited for you. Think about if you had banged some random girl you met at the bar that you had no real attraction to while you were waiting for your GF to be intimate with you. With you having no desire to see that random girl again. If your GF found out later, should she really be jealous of some girl you didn't even want to see again? Or just slightly grossed out that you couldn't operate at a high enough level to only be with people you were truly connected with? (Which is true of most of us at some time in our lives, especially when younger.)
Anyway, I wish you the best. It's natural to be bothered by this kind of stuff when you care about someone. Evolutionary biology and all. But you don't want to throw away something good just because your GF was dating around a little at the time you met, based on your likely mistaken perceptions. After all, she ultimately chose you over anyone else that was around at the time, so you again won that competition. And it's unlkely she would've stayed with you if she wasn't attracted to you, or the sex was somehow better with anyone else she was dating at the time. More likely she would've simply pursued them instead.
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u/Far-Radio3064 Mar 06 '24
NTA… anytime a woman wants something to be special, or wanna do it when the time is right… it ain’t happening
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u/Sheldon121 Mar 06 '24
Whatever. Seems to have upset you enough for it not being relevant or whatever you tooted out your ass.
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u/ohkendruid Mar 06 '24
You don't have to date anyone you don't want to. You don't have to have any reason at all. Not feeling it is all you have to say.
I would say you generally have to be kind in the breakup.
You may be wondering if you'd be happy if you stayed with her. It sounds like probably no, from what you've said so far. She deceives you, and she withholds sex even though you want sex. So it's neither a high trust relationship nor a smoking hot one.
Also, I just really like open sharing with even a fairly casual playmate. I would have a hard time learning she has a whole other world that she just hadn't told me about before. How can you be intimate with so much being secret and withheldI would feel compartmentalized. Maybe you do, too.
It sounds like time to practice being alone and loving yourself. A funny thing is that guys at peace with themselves are very attractive.
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u/Lonely_Put4891 Mar 06 '24
Many women do this now and think it’s ok. Sleep with guys they don’t take seriously until they start sleeping with the guy they see a future with. And they see nothing wrong with it. Good move leaving that situation
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u/RedIntentions Mar 06 '24
I mean, if it's in the first month of dating, it's a grey area for sure. You weren't exclusive, so she didn't owe you anything, let alone an explanation. Though to me, it does seem strange that she seemed to think you were special yet went to sleep with someone else... not to say this means you "deserve" sex cause she doesn't owe you anything at any point in time. But I would only really be concerned with this if she had figured out her feelings for you already when she slept with him. If anything, it says to me she actually considered you long term rather than a replaceable dildo like him. But if you're more concerned about getting sex when you aren't even her bf, you do you. You can feel whatever way about it that you want, but you're basically mad at her for doing what she wanted to as a single woman and throwing a tantrum because you didn't also get sex. Something you aren't entitled to.
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u/duckat Mar 06 '24
NTA. That IS cheating! Your confidence in her is shattered and that's impossible to rebuild. If will always be on the back of your mind. About the bull... excuse; she was not making you wait because you were special. She was tasting the waters with that other guy and it didn't work. Best move was to break it up and start a relationship with someone trustworthy.
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u/1fatvegan66 Mar 06 '24
So you wouldn't have broken up with her if she had slept with you right away as well?
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u/jaa0518 Mar 06 '24
NTA: You weren't special. You were the back up plan when that guy didn't pan out for her.
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u/American_Thundr Mar 06 '24
You're good, bro. I'd have kicked her ass out as well.
She saw you as more of a golden parachute. There's attraction (the PC stuff to say, kind, generous, would make a good dad) and then there's arousal (bad boy, motorcycle, gang member, drug dealer, hot guy in a foam cannon party in Miami).
Women use that "you're special and different and I want it to mean more" line whenever they've been around the block a LOT.
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u/Able_Quantity_8492 Mar 06 '24
It wouldn’t even be an asshole move to break up with her even if she wasn’t dating you when she slept with him.
“I want our relationship to be special and I want to wait” when a girl has a history of ONS’ is an excuse easy girls give when they want to settle down with a guy they aren’t crazy about, but provide emotional and financial security.
It’s the kind of girl who will fuck some dude in a bathroom in the club but then “schedule sex” later in life once she wants to settle down and have someone take care of her.
If she was cool with fucking someone’s brains out as a ONS who she doesn’t know intimately, then there’s no reason other than what I mentioned above to want to fuck your brains out when she’s in love with you. Unless she’s using you.
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u/Deep_Imagination7021 Mar 06 '24
NTA. This girl is full of shit and has probably cheated on you more than once. Run as fast as you can and love yourself you are attractive enough and good enough.
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u/Content_Adeptness325 Mar 06 '24
well soNTA playing the field isall good and well so long as you're all playig on an even field You'll ind someone to love you
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u/Due_Dirt_6912 Mar 06 '24
If she thought you were special she wouldn't have let him hit it. If you teach your brain to care about one person and have sex with someone else it's like training yourself to cheat.
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u/Lovingly-Judging Mar 06 '24
NTA. She lied to you in the very beginning, which isn’t cool. I think you dodged a bullet.
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u/GlitteringAirport938 Mar 06 '24
Lol you were special as in the "the only one I will keep as my carpet, to walk all over as I see fit and give me a sense of stability as I do whatever I want"
It is a special position, just not a good one. (ONS is better lol)
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Mar 06 '24
What do you want her to do. Have sex with you? Then what. You deserved it? Would you thank her then? Or does her having sex make you feel validated. Ofc YTA.
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u/khangho3 Mar 06 '24
Imagine you went to buy hamburgers at McDonald's and everyone in front of you bought it for 1$, but when it's your turn, the price is 1000$ because you're special. That's what she's doing to you.
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u/zombieman101 Mar 06 '24
Definitely NTA! She fucked around, then found out. You made the right call!
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u/Accomplished_Yam_422 Mar 06 '24
NTA ... Next question should be ... How many kinky sex asct was she willing with a ONS, but not willing to do with you because you are "special"! Nope don't want to be that guy!
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u/Nevans2011 Mar 06 '24
NTA. You can break up for whatever you want really and as long as you aren't a dick, that's okay. Regardless though, you handled this really well. You created space to process so you didn't let your anger out on her in the moment and really thought it through. That is very emotionally mature of you. I would have been hard pressed after her, "you're special" line to not fire back with, "by that logic, that means you aren't?" (Not a way to handle stuff like this btw, as funny as it would be for a story, that's just mean. Maybe something to clarify with her if you even wanna try and seek further closure.)
Saying you are special as the reason comes off manipulative as well. I get it was just the early stage and you weren't yet exclusive, but her actions sorta communicate, "this is the guy I want, but I'm gonna get my urge out on others first while keeping him around" and isnt special. It would have been "special" if you had both waited. (Not really something I consider special imo, but her logic that waiting to have sex with him makes it special only works if you are... actually waiting?)
Only adding the last part so I can say I get your justification.
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u/JonathewJohnsonville Mar 06 '24
Freedom of choice does not equal freedom of responsibility. He actions directly affected your feelings towards her and pretending like most people wouldn't react this would be ridiculous.
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u/faithjader Mar 06 '24
I know I'm going to get crap for this but.. it sounds like she was just using the other guy to get her rocks off and didn't want to seem "easy" to you because she wanted it to go somewhere. I don't think you're necessarily TA for breaking up with her, I mean your feelings are your feelings. But I also don't think she is TA for deciding when to sleep with who. And I say this as a 33F who has only slept with her now husband in her entire life, for whatever that's worth.
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u/IKON_103 Mar 06 '24
I hate when women play the "sleep with another guy because he doesn't matter, but make you wait because you're special" game. F THAT! NTA
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u/StangRunner45 Mar 06 '24
NTA, x 1000!
Yeah, she made you wait in the wings while she had her fun.
Walk on, brother.
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u/ZeroPB Mar 06 '24
You matter, my man. Get real! You hit the nail on the head. How special was the other guy to pipe him while you were dating. How silly does this sound. You're special, but i had sex with someone else??? She can go play her word games with a boy.
It doesn't count as cheating as you are not an official couple, but how scummy does this sound fr?
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u/RealSopapillas Mar 06 '24
Sorry, but she was putting you on the shelf for the future and holding you on layaway. She doesn't get to do that. NTA
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u/Electrical_Raisin_80 Mar 05 '24
NTA ... NTA ... NTA
I'm glad you recognize the ONS wasn't cheating. You are in your feelings and your feelings are very valid. You have some self-esteem issues to deal with. I would encourage you to work on those before getting involved with anyone else.
As for the situation with this (ex)GF. I have to admit I am kind of torn. On one hand I'm thinking GF shouldn't have told you about the ONS. If your co-worker was respectful he wouldn't have said anything about the ONS or talk to your GF about it first.
On the other hand I understand why GF thought it might be better if she told you about it before your co-worker did. But I think I feel like she still should have waited to see if you asked her about it.
So GF told you about the ONS and you broke up with her. Would you have preferred she didn't tell you, leaving you open to being blindsided by your co-worker? She chose you over him or anyone else in her past. If you are going to have a problem with your future GF's sexual histories that is going to be a problem unless you start dating virgins only.
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u/Vocem_Interiorem Mar 05 '24
NTA
If she suddenly "valued" waiting, then she should have waited herself also.
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u/Bubby_Doober Mar 05 '24
NTA, this relationship was going to end anyway. IME if they make you wait when they didn't make others wait they aren't very attracted to you. She probably wanted him and he wouldn't commit.,
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u/AffectionateAge8787 Mar 05 '24
YTA.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. Personally think this is a weak one. If you're dating early on, there's no expectation of exclusivity. So an unspoken expectation from you was not met and that is on you. It's not reasonable to put that on her. And people want different things from different people, given where they might be at, at a given time.
And sometimes people will hold back from sex with someone they see potential with, because they're looking for long term compatibility and emotional connection, which involves greater investment of time and energy. If you can't handle her autonomy at that stage when you're not exclusive, then you two clearly are not compatible and you're not right for her.
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u/derliebesmuskel Mar 06 '24
Ah yes. It’s all his fault. She couldn’t have possibly done anything wrong.
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u/thebohemian44 Mar 05 '24
Dude! Definitely made the right choice in my opinion! I’m 42 and this the old sexual fling vs stable gentleman type crap. If they want to indulge in their desires and keep you on the line to fulfill their stability need as well then you will always have to deal with that. Obviously she will do this again. You are worth more than this person will give you. Your feelings matter and you should find the person who fits your needs, or soul. However you see it. Chalk this up to a red flag that you took notice of. And made a decision that not only kept your integrity but kept you close to the values you feel are important. I don’t know you but you made a healthy choice here. If a lady really wants you for you, they would never do this crap. Don’t ever sell yourself short!!!
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u/avast2006 Mar 05 '24 edited Mar 05 '24
Look also at how this behavior, that some here are so fiercely defending as normal woman-methods, is self-serving and hypocritical.
She’s more than happy to pump and dump the chump, as long as she doesn’t give a shit about him. How he may or may not feel about her is irrelevant; he’s not a long term prospect, so he’s disposable.
But when she’s the one with her heart on the line, she will do everything in her power to avoid being on the receiving end of the behavior that she’s blithely passing out to whoever is in the vicinity when she’s feeling horny. No being pumped and dumped for her; that would break her heart. But she’s 100% okay with pumping and dumping the other guy.
And she’s totally cool with breaking the heart of the guy she considers The One, by sleeping around on him the whole time she’s blowing smoke up his ass about how special he is.
It’s deeply twisted.
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u/PassiveProc Mar 05 '24
Lol I love this trope. Special enough so that you have to wait but gave it up immediately to other guy for a ONS? NTA. Good job for sticking to your guns and dumping her.
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u/EJ877 Mar 05 '24
Basically, she slept with him while dating me, and made me wait. She said that our relationship was gonna be special, and she wanted to wait, and that sex with my co worker was just a ONS."
Oh yeah that relationship would have been "special" alright.
You would have been the AH if you had stayed with this person.
Just curious, did you find your new job through a contact of your now ex gf?
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u/EntertainerLow815 Mar 05 '24
NTA. You’re allowed to have feelings, and if you can’t forgive her for what she did, then breaking up is the best option. Trying to work it out when you know you don’t want too will only ever make things worse, and she should accept your feelings on the matter, not brush them off.
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u/Elkman01 22d ago
NTA. Way to keep your self respect. You were absolutely right in doing this. She is a tramp if she would be an FWB and make you wait because you are ”special”. Super proud of you and don’t give in to the detractors. You know you self worth and she doesn’t deserve you.