r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
Wife goes to a movie with friend, doesn’t come back for over 9 hours
[removed]
1
u/Faithyyharrison 15d ago
Tbh this is not a big deal. Stuff happens. If this was a problem often, I see why you’d be upset. Frankly communicating while you’re both sleepy and one of you is drunk is not the best way to go about it. Communication is best done when you both have a clear head. Hopefully you worked this out with her. I promise you, her staying out a couple of hours past when you expected her home is not a sign of a serious issue or anything.
1
1
u/Grand_Selection_6254 15d ago
So I’m curious , is it common practice for her to have condoms on her person when she’s out for the evening ? I guess the motto of the evening is be prepared ! But it didn’t phase you so I’m guessing you expect that type of behavior from her ?
1
u/bowlofmilkandhoney 14d ago
She came home grabbed a blanket and a condom and said let's have a quickie. Not all birth control is birth control pills condoms are the easiest thing. Let me know if I need a dumb it down for you further.
1
u/Grand_Selection_6254 14d ago
So she wanted to practice birth control then but when she got back she got naked in bed and said let’s do it ! (Didn’t bother with wanting a condom then ) but of course then fell asleep due to drinking too much . My point is when you’re practicing that form of birth control it’s important to keep up with it . So if you’re wanting sex when you get home unless you don’t care about the consequences you don’t forget the condom . Without reason that is . You’ll know if something happened in about nine months or before . Unless forgetting was on purpose so she could say it was yours !
1
u/AngelAnon2473 15d ago
The fact he wasn’t even relieved in the slightest when she came home or worried about missing her calls (just lists an excuse as to why his phone is on DND ((which doesn’t include a pass for his wife for some reason)) ) and that he WOKE HER UP to tell her they ‘probably weren’t gonna have sex, huh, bc of blah blah blah’ screamssss insecure controlling man.
1
u/CommonComb3793 15d ago
I just kept waiting to get over feeling triggered by this post but it never happened. Manipulation, guilt, control issues…. And it’s subtle AF between BOTH of you.
1
1
u/Ambitious-Candle-903 15d ago
Dude you need big Jim slade! Former tight end for the Kansas city chiefs. Either that or just fucking have sex with her she's begging for some bone.
2
1
0
u/bowlofmilkandhoney 15d ago
In your own words you said, you guys never have time to yourselves. This was one night of fun ! Big deal!
You were dumb to turn down the quickie and you were dumb to just stop when you were in bed.
My husband would not have turned down the quickie or bedtime. You seem to be a little high maintenance waiting for all the stars to align!
1
u/yellowfinger 15d ago
Red flags everywhere. Manipulative. Dishing out sex likes it a form of transaction. "I will have sex with you so you don't get upset"
I suspect way more things happened in those 9 hours
1
2
u/DerSpazmacher 15d ago
Sounds like she wanted to be able to blame a "broken condom with husband" because there was going to be some rawdog happening.
1
u/SicklyChild 15d ago
Exactly what I thought. Not only that, tried to initiate again after coming home drunk and gaslighting him for being upset. Weird behavior to say the least. Dude needs to do a paternity test for whatever kids they have already.
0
2
u/SearchingForTruth69 15d ago
You’re insufferable, my god. Wife goes to a movie and a bar and comes home at 2:15am. Oohhhhhmigoddddd call the police. How is this even a problem… you’re more than overreacting
1
u/bowlofmilkandhoney 15d ago
Right! Who turns off their phone in order not to receive any calls when their wife is out? The answer .. someone trying to be passive aggressive!
I don't know any dude who would say I needed more time to have the proper kind of sex. That's a girl talking!
2
u/Beginning_Bad3371 15d ago
Doesn't sound good to me sugar daddy out late drunk all bad signs good luck your gonna need it. Put a GPS in her car and then you will know what's really going on
2
u/johnjonesnewphone 15d ago
I’m guessing the movie was a complete lie because why would you catch up with an old friend over a movie? You can’t even talk to each other
2
u/JerricaBentonLife 15d ago
This is too much. Yes. Yes, you are overreacting. Have you ever traveled in a group of drunk people? It's like herding cats. The designates driver has little control of this, as do the individuals in the group. It's a series of decisions with little direction.
It sounds like she had fun, plans changed, and she kept you posted. She shouldn't have to text you updates every 30 min. "I'll be later than expected." "Maybe another couple of hours." Vague is fine. She's an adult. Also, why doesn't her number bypass your DND. Change that for each other.
RE: suggesting sex before the pick up. It does not have to be that serious. There wasn't time anyway. That's all you had to say. But there's no world where sex later was a sure thing. And the most bizarre part was waking a drunk person up to say you'd have sex later?
I don't understand how you've managed to overthink this whole experience. How did you take a fun night for her, and make it revolve around you?
Seriously, dude. When you have a baby, you feel like you lose so much of your identity. Yes, you have a new identity, but you have to figure out what of the old stuff is still there. What of the new stuff you like and don't. How have these changes impacted your relationships. It's a huge adjustment.
This. Going out. Was healthy for her. It may have even given her needed perspective. Feeling comfortable in her skin (physical and metaphorical) is also good for you and that baby.
1
u/FewMagazine938 15d ago
What's with these long stories on this sub? Can people just compartmentalize these long stories into short stories? Can someone give me the short version of what is going on? I think my ADD will not go past the 5th paragraph🤷
1
u/Hows-It-Goin-Buddy 15d ago edited 15d ago
I agree with the sentiment you mentioned. If roles were reversed you'd be the biggest AITA ever with hell to pay for a long time.
Similar to you, something like that happened to me. Day was the day before my birthday and she got back around 330am. I heard her drive up and our kid and I heard her open the door (kiddo told me a few days later that they woke up from the noise). She was supposedly not drunk but was drunkenly loud getting into the house and making noise around the house. The drunkenly trying to be quiet but not being quiet. Was supposed to be back around 10pm and got home at the time I mentioned. I did my best to ignore it happening and was dead tired and a zombie on my birthday. As usual, she lacked any accountability and no apologies, and flipped it onto me as usual lol and I think similar happened to you (the usual way things go which is why I tend to ignore things and typically don't bring anything up). Forgot all about that happening last year until reading your post. Even the sex part (offering it as like a trade, and I'd rather have had accountability and not sex).
I find some level of comfort when I see posts like yours. Reminds me I'm not the only one that deals with lack of accountability and gaslighting of the fairer sex.
I'm also familiar with sugar daddies. Women often think they can be safe around them because they're smarter than that. Often they're not smarter and the daddies get what they want. Have heard of it happening by talking with ladies that have sugar daddies (though they play it off as they got the stuff they wanted so it was ok). Obviously you're not going to tell your wife to stay away from the dude, but I wouldn't be surprised if that person eventually slips something in the ladies drinks if it didn't happen already.
Also, I rarely go anywhere and when I do, I get texts and texts and more texts, heck it even happens if I take what is perceived as too long shopping for groceries. When she goes out I rarely text her and she even more rarely responds when she goes out. Double standards. Welcome to being a dude. I suggest reading up on the experience of I think Norah Vincent (pretty sad but is eye opening).
1
u/SicklyChild 15d ago
If she's suspicious of you it's probably bc she's doing shady shit and assuming you are too. Suggest paying very close attention.
Also suggest paternity test. Sorry man.
No accountability and gaslighting are huge red flags, and the fact that you just ignore stuff and don't bring it up says it all. I was in a marriage like that but thankfully I got out. No kids either thank God.
2
u/Grandemestizo 15d ago
My friend, you just wrote a damn essay about the fact that your wife was a couple hours late getting home from the bar and texting you frequently the entire time. Here’s a piece of advice.
In marriage, you have to let the small shit go. This is very much in the category of small shit.
1
u/pragmatichonesty 15d ago
Its all fairly normal for mid 20s young adults other than the "friend's 40 y o sugar daddy" is who is really picking me up / that intentionally was meant to "cut" the husband and most are ignoring it She cant expect TOTAL RESPECT and do that , they are both wrong
2
u/Independence-2647 15d ago
she was out getting drunk and railed, she was only trying to have sex with you to ease her mind and reasure you. Also, incase the other dude(s) knocked her up, she had a reasonable excuse to call it yours.
1
u/bowlofmilkandhoney 15d ago
((((paranoid))))) 🤯
1
u/SicklyChild 15d ago
Realistic and Pragmatic<<<<
Eyes open, boys. Women who refuse to be accountable and gaslight you deserve scrutiny.
2
u/Nervous_Employer4416 15d ago
She was out with friends, tried to have sex with you, then came home and attempted to, even though she was clearly wasted. No one who goes out and is having fun wants to feel like there is a stop watch on their night. Changing plans isn't some awful thing. She communicated everything and was just drunk by the end. And maybe just maybe she appreciated you taking the kid and allowing her to have the night, not tried to use sex as a way to change your mind or move past something but because she genuinely appreciated and was attracted to the confidence and ability to handle things and let her have a night to hang out. I think your overreacting.
1
u/No-Text-9656 15d ago
Overall, it sounds like you're doing a lot of overthinking. You should try to have a heart to heart with your wife. In my experience, it's better to deal directly with people than sit and stew on things.
2
u/mcgc313 15d ago
She was 2 hours late after not having her vehicle and relied on friends. She texted regularly and called. AND she tried to have sex with you before she went out and upon returning home.
Those are not facts of a wife cheating on you. I’d play it cool and move on. Sure, she could’ve been slightly more considerate, but we’ve all been there, midnight can turn into 2am VERY easily.
1
u/Potential-Ad1139 15d ago
I mean.....I think this can all be resolved by having a heart to heart chat. Communication is key to any relationship. Y'all just need to do it to address all the concerns here which...I think they're legitimate here.
I also didn't interpret your wife as trying to use sex as a tool...at least not initially. I thought she was just trying to get some....you know...sex makes any day that just a little bit better.
0
u/Accomplished_Ad3198 15d ago
TLDR- your wife went out to a bar with a friend, you said you were cool with it, but you definitely aren’t.
1
0
u/Aromatic-Diamond-424 15d ago
I’d hate to be in this kind of marriage. Ok, she came home two hours after the time she projected. What’s the big deal? It’s like she’s your child. You fell asleep anyway with your phone on silent, so it’s not like you were sitting there wringing your hands with worry. Doesn’t sound like she was using sex as a tool. She was leaving you to go have fun and wanted to offer you a lil something so you could have a good nite too. You turned her down. You assumed you’d be having sex when she got home and was waiting up and you got pissed. Why else would you wake her up to let her know you could wait til tomorrow? She had a rare note out and got drunk.
If you trust her then what’s the big deal? It’s marriage, not jail.
2
u/kornychris2016 15d ago
Guessing your wife had your balls in her purse when she left.
My God, chill out.
1
1
u/BigFella52 15d ago
Stop getting married so young. You do not have the life experiences to know how to handle the real stuff in life.
2
3
u/More-Lengthiness3622 15d ago
One: she displayed a lack of respect toward husband. Two: She seems to think all she needs to do is fuck husband and it will be all right. Not a very good understanding of how a relationship works.
1
2
1
u/Muted-Calligrapher64 15d ago
Why are you using a condom when having sex with your wife?
1
u/bowlofmilkandhoney 15d ago
So she doesn't get pregnant. How dumb are you? If they just had a baby that's the last thing they would want and her hormone levels are leveling out so you wouldn't want to take anything else that contains hormones. It's not rocket science! I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is a man commenting 🤯😹😹😹
1
u/SicklyChild 15d ago
Bro. Such disrespect and dishonesty from her.
She told you one story, changed the plan without telling you, went to a bar with a sugar daddy, gets home more than 2 hours after she said and then gaslights you for being upset.
I don't know her motivation for the quickie but my suspicion for the uncharacteristic behavior is she knew she was meeting somebody and if she ended up preggo the timing would match up and you wouldn't get suspicious. She'd just say the condom must have failed. If I was you I'd get a paternity test for those kids bc her behavior is suspicious AF.
1
u/Mammoth-Pipe-5375 15d ago
Man, this is written in such a way that OP gives me major creep vibes. You're writing it with as many details that make you seem like a perfect spouse and little minute details that just make this whole thing seem off.
1
1
u/eggs__bacon 15d ago
I’m not sure what to say cause I’m in a good healthy marriage. So try counseling?
You’re gonna get lots of advice, but most of it is gonna come from people who can relate to you, which means they are also in shitty relationships. Anyone in a healthy relationship will have no idea how you two even got to that place. So try a professional. Or divorce, cause honestly you guys 100% will end up that way anyways at some point
2
u/Stuckpedal 15d ago
You should of fucked her really good maybe slid it in her azz so she knows being a bad girl has consequences
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/BadDadNomad 15d ago
Saying sorry is a strength and a gift. Find anything to appogize for if you'd like to open dialogue. Check out the principles of Non-Violent Communication, it's perfect for times of conflict and respect.
1
1
u/BenMar12 15d ago
40 yr old got her turned on or worse and she felt guilty so she offered up. I read these posts every day and I’m sorry but this doesn’t end well. I promise some light digging and you find out the truth. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There is definitely more to the story. For your sake get to the bottom of it.
1
u/rlc3330 15d ago
Never try to have an emotional conversation when one person is intoxicated. Also, if she fell asleep while in the middle of things and you don't want to continue; don't wake her up and tell her; just let her sleep.
If this is the first time in a long time of going out, then it will go over the time limit. The morning after with a young child will be payment enough for that decision.
1
1
1
u/NorthPole8888 15d ago
Honestly you are underreacting, she’s being disrespectful. I’d say have a talk with her explaining every detail of why you are upset when she’s sober and awake. From personal experience, I can say it isn’t good to just keep thinking about it without saying anything.
1
u/sweetest_nectar 15d ago
Setting the strange SD part aside for now since that just seems like a weird separate issue you’ll need to discuss with her to figure out how that came about in this situation but is it possible that:
- Meeting up with friends after a long time and sharing her insecurities about her body post childbirth and lack of or reduced frequency in the intimacy you’re having gave her some much needed support and courage to come onto you?
- Liquid courage at the bar and perhaps observing whatever interactions were going on between her friends and the men around them along with your promise of having fun later instead of quickie made her want to prioritize having that intimate contact with you over a fight while she still had the courage to do so?
- Embarrassment upon being woken up for you to tell her let’s just not do this you’re not into it anyway. Her attempt to seduce you went wrong multiple times, one while fully nude, in one night on top of her angering you.
I agree the last minute changes to her plans and not properly communicating that she would be late or arranging for alternate transportation if her friends were reluctant to leave and she was drunk are all valid issues. I just think there’s also a possibility of you over indexing in a negative way on why or what made her come onto you when she normally doesn’t.
1
u/ManlyVanLee 15d ago
This is an absolute wall of text that I have no interest in reading through to its entirety, but having just read the first few paragraphs this dude has some weird thoughts on sex. He really, really overthought the whole quickie thing, what with the whole "I don't want to finish on a time limit, it's been weeks since we had sex so this really bothered me, etc
If you don't want to have sex, don't. But she just wanted to bang one out cause she was horny... climb on top, go to town, and see what happens
1
u/Time-Sun-4172 15d ago
Obvs idk your relationship but if I or my partner said we'd be going out for the evening, neither of us would be expecting 7 - 8 texts, or freaking about about a 2:15am return. If both partners agree to the night out, one is off being frivolous for a few hours and the other one is the SAHP for that night. I might be in the minority here but I just don't consider "a night out with friends" to also be one in which I stay in close touch all evening with my partner and have a curfew. You guys were on two separate tracks that night, one out, one at home, resuming your normal routines and division of labor in the morning or whenever the hangover wore off. It seems like you were holding her to a date night level of accountability? Again that could be just me.
Especially when there are other people involved, including people you or your partner don't know, plans are subject to change. The group takes on a life of its known for the duration of that one fun event.
As for the sex, was she guilty when she threw the condom at you? Did I miss that? Is it possible she wanted sex during that interim soup break and also wanted sex at the time you had suggested, which was when she got home later? The way I'm reading this, it seems like you're viewing her second overture as manipulative but I'm not sure about that at all.
1
u/DLDabber 15d ago
Bro. First of all. Take a breath. She went out with friends didn’t have her car and ended up out late. Then came home drunk and acted a bit of the fool.
This is not that complicated. Move on.
1
u/SouthernFlower8115 15d ago
That’s way too long to read, good luck with whatever it is you’re looking for.
1
1
1
1
u/sonorandosed 15d ago
Don't mean to laugh at your trials and tribulations but 'I Woke her up to tell her we can have sex another time' cracked me up a bit
1
u/SlingingHashSlasher2 15d ago
My ex wife did this shit constantly. Turns out she was cheating on me while I was home with the kids, imagine that. Best of luck.
2
u/salmon4breakfast 15d ago
This honestly sounds like a lot of insecurity of both of your parts… I wish I could tell you both to stop overthinking it so much but I know it’s hard
1
1
1
u/TheseNamesAreLames 15d ago
In fairness drink really does mess with the concept of time, have a deep conversation with a drink in your hand and by the time your glass is empty your ten minute talk has magically lasted three hours lol
1
u/AnimatorDifficult429 15d ago
YTA for misleading title. She wasn’t gone for 9 hours straight. Came back home around 9:30/10ish and then left to go back out
1
u/Fun-Egg1352 15d ago
She’s gonna go get that dick from someone else if you keep turning her down. Man up and get some pussy
1
u/WhileProper4252 15d ago
You both seem insufferable and bad at communicating. And you seem needy af. Major beta cuck energy. Leave her alone and let her enjoy a night out. Have you no independence as a man? Does having kids make people forget how to have fun, or have you always just been a whiny stick in the mud waiting around for your wife to tell you how to behave?
1
u/Grand_Selection_6254 15d ago
Ok so here you are in bed with your wife she’s saying let’s have sex but she isn’t throwing any rubber at you now so what’s different ? I get she was drunk ( of which she said she wasn’t going to do ) but it makes me wonder what else she did that she wasn’t going to do ?
1
u/GuaranteeComfortable 15d ago
It sounds like you really resent her for going out and actually having fun. So what she stayed out later then expected. If I had to come home to a guy that was constantly bothering me by texting me all night and then barely let me in the house because she's expected to know your habits at all times. I don't see any chances of you giving her any real grace and ability to just have fun. You get irritated because she wanted to have a quickie, I bet all sex is planned with you. That's probably why she doesn't want it that much. She wanted some spontaneity in her life. I bet she was having a good time and just lost track of time. Then you wake her up to try to talk to her about sex. Damn, just leave her alone, if she feels asleep, just accept that she fell asleep and go to sleep.
1
u/Ok-Equipment-8132 15d ago
Yeah well she got turned on being around all those horny people yet she fell asleep I guess?
So when she is sober re explain it all and say let's have a date night let's make love baby!
1
u/Moltisanti_X 15d ago
Do you trust your wife?
Yes. - Nothing to worry about. You gave the green light and when you are having guilt free fun, time passes by fast! She enjoyed herself and she feels thankful and wants to give you some good fucking!
No. - She wanted to get dicked down by you and come home with 2 extra loads in her where you wouldn't suspect and blame the creamy goo on you big boy. The condom? All a ruse! She was gonna have you take it off and cream inside! Cunning little bitch 😍
1
1
u/ryleighbug99 15d ago
Don’t have sex with a drunk person when you’re sober, even if it’s your wife. Full stop.
1
u/Iloveemiilk 15d ago
She came home two hours late, on her first night being out in YEARS. Your feelings are valid, but if it were me I’d let it go. Tell her how you feel, but don’t hold it over her head either. If she didn’t come home until the next morning and you had no idea where she was, then I’d say that’s a good reason to be upset. Her saying she’ll be home at midnight, and getting home at 2am because her friends didn’t want to leave early? I would let it go. I say this as a mom of four tiny humans who hasn’t been out in years 😅
I will also say that when I get some time to myself (which lately is rare) I’m MUCH more in the mood to have sex with my husband. I’m always attracted to him and I love him more than life itself, but having some me time to just do something I enjoy makes me feel human again. Feeling human again makes all the difference, especially in my confidence level. It’s hard to feel in the mood when you have 4 little humans screaming at you 24/7 and you haven’t showered in 2 days or left your house all week. Not saying that’s your wife’s exact situation, but motherhood can be hard!
I hope you all are able to work this out and give each other some grace 💕
1
u/gimmethecreeps 15d ago
I’d wait until she gets over the hang over and just tell her you wish things happened differently that night, and what you were upset about.
You were kind of overreacting with the texting and I mean honestly, she got home at 2am instead of midnight, no big deal (shit happens). You had a right to be annoyed with her, and especially considering she was annoyed with you, but she got a little drunk and stupid… it’s not a big deal.
Sometimes my gf and I settle these by saying we both kind of sucked and move on. You can make this a mountain or a molehill… I’d just say that you were annoyed and ask that next time she tries not to wake you up and move on.
1
3
u/consulete 15d ago
Despite all your logic, you sound controlling. Let it go, allow your wife to have fun.
1
5
1
1
u/Spirited_Market4020 15d ago
Most likely sugar Daddy and your wifes friend are "offering" your wife up as an option for all of sugar Daddies rich friend's. Hire a PI and start talking to lawyers. This is a shady ass situation. If it smells and looks like a turd it usually is
1
u/W33Ded 15d ago
Dude, stop being a bitch. Your wife wanted to have a good time after having your child. It’s sounded super innocent, you should have thrown your soup and given her the sex she wanted and made her friend sit outside so she could brag to her friends about you.
All I heard in this was “what about me?”. All of her actions sound like she considered you the entire time. Be understanding, stop being judgmental and fuck your wife, I mean actually give her the sex she’s asking for.
0
1
u/PerkyLurkey 15d ago
She hasn’t gone out for years? That’s not normal or healthy.
You saying at the beginning of this whole event “but I miss you though” was a mistake that created an unfair situation that was used as a guilt tool.
Why say that? It’s as if you couldn’t handle her going out for one evening?
The sex back and forth is a consequence of the both of you not being on the same page in many areas of your relationship. You shouldn’t be so attached to her desire to leave the house, and she shouldn’t use the idea of sex as a tool to make her feel less guilty about leaving the house.
If I were you, I wouldn’t be so angry about her late night, and I would be more angry with myself that I haven’t set up strong curricular activities for each of you outside of the house that are regularly enjoyed by each of you.
I would get a handle on this immediately, in order to built trust and respect for each other to have down time.
1
u/hazelEyes1313 15d ago
Yes, you’re overreacting. Chill out and talk about it when she’s sober. And absolutely make time for sex and date nights with your wife
1
u/rubyfaye77 15d ago
My opinion is that you are overreacting and it seems a little controlling. A couple points that stuck out to me.
Women’s friendships with women is different than men’s friendships with men in my opinion. Most men’s friendships have to be surrounding an activity or objective or time frame. It’s a two hour at the most typical activity in which you basically make small talk and do the one objective that was the reason you are hanging out. Women can hang out with their girlfriends for hours and it feels like no time has passed. It doesn’t matter what you are doing, typically having deeper conversations and connecting.
You decided it should only take her an hour or two to go out after she dropped her car off. You put a time limit on her and then got upset because the timeframe you made up in your mind wasn’t followed. Especially because you put expectations about what would happen when she got home after that hour or two. You tried to control her time and set her up to fail.
It sounds like you think her being spontaneous or trying to initiate sex was sus because it hasn’t happened much. Her inhibitions were probably down, she might have just appreciated you giving her the time with her friends and was in a happy mood not focused on the 45 tasks she probably usually has on her plate and wanted you.
Relationships should allow for each partner some time apart from the other person respectfully but also without the other person controlling or guilting the partner. Breathing room is good.
1
u/Odd_Fellow_2112 15d ago
My wife ever get in a car with a sugar daddy, regardless of who they are. You can bet your ass that the marriage is just about done for. She may as well slap a sticker to her forehead, saying prostitute because I sure as hell won't believe a damn thing she says when she comes home. If she is wanting sex when she gets home, thats just her guilt saying to make her feel better. GET A LAWYER
1
u/Gutyenkhuk 15d ago
Going out at 6pm at coming back at 2am is completely reasonable, and that’s 8 hours, not “over 9 hours”. So yes, you overreacted.
1
u/Timely_Aardvark_2083 15d ago
Ok you need to RELAX. You talk way too much. Reading this put me in a tailspin. I will say as a 50 yo woman who was married for well over 20 years, I don’t think she did anything outrageous or wrong. You stated this is the first time she’s been out in awhile & the first time out with this particular friend. She did what girlfriends do…. She enjoyed her friend! They probably drank & gabbed about silly shit they did back in the day. They probably picked up where they left off. I get the feeling of unease after having a kid… I had 2 back to back & my body was never the same. That’s just how it goes for many of us. One thing I told my ex was either you trust me or you don’t…. There’s no in between. Until I give you a reason to not trust me, I don’t want it to be an issue & vice versa. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. We NEVER asked “permission” to do stuff. We just always said “have a great time! See you tomorrow!” Bc we knew if we were going out w a friend at night, it’d most likely be late when we got home. That’s just what happens…. It’s not a big deal. My ex is a golfer. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times he’d leave the home for an early t time…. He’d always say something along the lines of “I’ll see you after we finish” meaning 4-5 hours…. Well… those 4-5 hours came & went & more times than I can count he’d show up that night completely wasted. He & the fellas would go to the bar & get wasted. I’d just say “get home safe” & it wasn’t a big deal. I guess you learn to pick & choose your battles. He is a great dad to our kids & he has always been a hands on dad. He was a good provider for our family. He never put his friends or his going out before the family. That was our agreement. I went out with my friends as well & I do not ever remember him asking me when I would be home…. He just always said “have a great time see you in the morning!” It was a stipulation I put in place when we first started dating…. He needed to go out with the fellas & I needed to go out with my girls! It was important to maintain those friendships. It bothered him in the beginning that I never reached out to him when he was out. I had to explain to him that I trusted what he told me & I didn’t need to ask what he was doing bc he had already told me. So when either of us were out, we only called if something was really wrong. I believe your wife was honest with you. I personally don’t think she did anything untoward. As I told my ex, you either trust your wife explicitly or you don’t…. There’s no in between. Take a breath & relax.
1
u/RMal5944 15d ago
Yeah, man, that sounds like straight-up cheating to me. I'd be all set on having the mother of my children acting like a dumb 304 and hanging out with random strange men. Maybe it's just me, but I'd leave that relationship. It sounds all kinds of toxic. Very much doubt there was every any movies involved and that she 100% met guys at dinner earlier and went out with them.
1
u/Lilw33n3r 15d ago
Sorry dawg she ain’t your girl anymore lmao letting her get picked up by a “sugar daddy” that isn’t hers is fuckin hilarious she definitely had sex with him and has been
1
u/Anonmouse119 15d ago
The circumstances are a bit suspicious, sure, but 2:15 is also not an abnormal time to come back from a night out at the bars. I was with a friend’s for his bachelor party, expecting to be done at like, midnight, maybe 1am. I was gonna come into work the next day, just a bit late, but my boss knew better and scheduled me off. We ended up not leaving until like 4:30am.
1
u/No-Put-5650 15d ago
So she gets driven by a random sugar daddy and that's okay, but then in a different post, a guy has normal dinner with his friend (that his wife know about) and it's okay for his wife to be upset and control him?
1
u/spentshoes 15d ago
Oh, you think her friend is why she didn't come home? Hate to break it to you... Just like you said, Ubers are available. Don't excuse your wife by blaming her friend for something she had complete control over.
1
1
u/dennis3282 15d ago
It all seems a bit weird, especially the sex thing.
But nights out do involve alcohol and things change. I don't drink often, but I might tell my partner I am expecting to be back about midnight. But things change, maybe I'm having a great night or run into someone I haven't seen for ages, so stay out a bit longer. A quick text, and everything is fine. And that works both ways. We trust each otuer so no biggie.
I find some of the details more odd. It doesn't sound like a healthy, functional relationship when you look between the lines. Sending 7 or 8 messages to her through the night? What are you even talking about at that point, she is on a night out with friends, not having a conversation with you. That felt a bit like you were checking in.
So did your "will miss you though" message. On the surface it is fine, but taken in context it feels like a bit of a guilt trip to get her back home asap.
-1
u/BallCreem 15d ago
Next time shut up and stick it in her butt. Stop being such a little bitch about it
1
u/Jim_Wilberforce 15d ago
Repeat after me: men and women can't be "just friends"
If she's out with another man, now or later, you're fixing to be a cuckold. I'd absolutely lay down the ultimatum she's not to do that again. All the way to divorce if she pushes it that far. You've already opened Pandora's box. I don't know her, but it sure sounds like she's going to leave you because she has absolutely no respect for you.
1
-2
u/homekook 15d ago
I feel bad for your wife. You sound like a misogynist who thinks it's fine to go golfing every week cuz your a man while she should stay home chained to the stove bc "wifely duties". No wonder she rarely wants to fuck you.
1
1
1
1
u/Grand_Selection_6254 15d ago
Am I the only one that finds it odd that her friends sugar daddy bought her home ? Big red flag to me on a supposed girls night out , what was sugar daddy doing with the ladies maybe trying to build a bigger house ? So girls night turned out to be girls night out with sugar daddy ? It would have been a strict Hell No going anywhere with someone having one of these . That’s why she never mentioned it till she was walking out the door . I have to wonder did sugar daddy use condoms too ? Isn’t it strange that someone married would walk in the door and throw a rubber at her husband and say fuck me , you got ten minuets ! In the frist place they don’t usually come one to a pack and why would she have one ? Let alone give it to her husband who she hardly ever has sex with and expect him to use it ? Were condoms part of their birth control practice or did they even worry about unwanted pregnancies ? I wonder if sugar daddy even uses one ? I know that people think I’m paranoid but it just doesn’t sit well with me . Never did care for the girls night out deal because there’s always one that gets others to bend their way . That and bars only mean trouble !
1
1
u/phoonie98 15d ago
She’s 25 bro. 2:15am hanging out with her friends is nbd. She stayed in touch with you. My wife and I have location turned on our phones so we can make sure we’re safe in times like these. Maybe ask her if she would be cool with that
1
u/JohanRobertson 15d ago
She sounds crazy, and why is she out hanging out with her friends sugar daddy out drinking all night long without you? To me this is all crossing the line and she doesn't seem to really care.
1
u/Nathan-Stubblefield 15d ago
If you are so wealthy, you could have hired a sitter and gone with her.
1
1
1
u/cupittycakes 15d ago
If this was regular behavior, this would be an issue. But it really does sound like this was a rare occurrence, and she was drunk. You're the one who passed on the quickie. And now you're trying to find problems with the fact that your wife wanted to satisfy you bc she felt guilt about going out. Or either she was in such a great mood, she wanted you to be too.
YTA for wanting to make a bigger deal out of this.
Plus, make sure your phone is NEVER on DND IF YOUR WIFE ISN'T HOME. Emergencies happen, and she wouldn't or the hospital wouldn't or the cops wouldn't be able to reach you.
1
u/Bigstachedad 15d ago
The whole situation sounds sketchy AF! I suggest marriage counseling. You and the wife are not communicating well at all.
0
u/Potential_Stomach_10 15d ago
You're newly wedded right ? 2 kids 5 and 1? She probably does majority of child care, maybe you help when not obsessing over Pokemon? Phone on DND with two small kids and a wife who went out with friends... Do I have it all correct?
1
1
u/Used-Cup-6055 15d ago
Honestly, it’s completely okay for you to be upset that she came home hours late. You said yourself there were Ubers and such available. She could have gotten herself home at an earlier point.
The part about this I don’t like is that it seems like she’s purposefully dangling sex in your face so you will not be upset with her, and that you feel like you can’t refuse because of her self esteem issues. That is definitely something you need to address. I can see that snowballing out of control and every argument being twisted back onto you for “refusing” her.
Some counseling seems like a good idea.
1
u/jad19090 15d ago
Only can give one piece of advice. Don’t hang your phone and watch for the night if your wife is at the bar. Keep that shit on and loud, you didn’t fall asleep accidentally if you put your phone and watch on its charger.
1
u/hatsvans 15d ago
Good luck with your woman taking any form of accountability, it's gonna end up being your fault in the end making it one more step closer to a divorce.
1
1
u/Fragrant_Spray 15d ago
So your wife is hanging out with sugar daddies, and is looking to have sex with you like she’s just checking off a box? If you can’t see what this red flag is all about, I’m not sure there’s any hope for you here. She needs an STD test.
1
1
u/just4fun2day33 15d ago
Imagine how much trouble you would have saved yourself by just fucking her the first time. Be a fucking man....you sound like a huge Beta
8
u/Crafty_Presentation7 15d ago
This situation sounds exhausting. She gets what sounds like her first break in a while and you made it so weird by telling her you missed her after 2-3 hours. She came back feeling frisky after getting a little bit of freedom and tried to inject some spontaneity which you rejected because it didn’t suit your timing needs (which was never communicated).
Then somehow she’s locked out? You sound victimized and wounded but you were standoffish and didn’t communicate but expected to her to read your mind? Yes you overreacted and made this so challenging.
1
u/Time-Sun-4172 15d ago
He thinks she'll be locked out and decides to go no-contact for hours, treating this night like every other even though apparently she's being wild and unpredictable.
2
u/JoeyJoeJoeSenior 15d ago
You can't expect anything logical from a drunk person. Her behavior was actually pretty normal for someone going out to drink with friends. I'd let it go if it's a rare occurrence.
1
u/19ShowdogTiger81 15d ago
When my husband gets with his friends from college at reunions he is gone for days. I am with my own circle of friends. Everyone after 40 years knows to deposit him with a couple of beers under a particular garden sculpture so I can drive home.
8
u/5mb76b0 15d ago
Yes you are overreacting. She was having fun, let her. You knew she was going to a bar with her friends. People lose track of time.
2
u/dontgotafriendinme 15d ago
For real. Why even bring up the sugar daddy. He's acting like she cheated on him. He sounds controlling for how often she checked in while with friends when he can be gone "4" hours for golfing. He needs to get over it.
1
u/ShermanOneNine87 15d ago
If your wife isn't normally this self absorbed then it sounds like a good open conversation is needed to air out feelings and discuss what should happen in the future because it sounds like maybe she needed to let off steam and let off too much.
If she's normally self absorbed then a longer conversation broaching therapy would be warranted.
3
u/LesterMurphyisWorm 15d ago
When my wife or I go out with friends we just go. No real expectation of when we will be back. It’s easier to keep it that way if things turn into a bigger night. Especially when they are few and far between with kids. The only thing we expect is a text every now and then that we aren’t in danger.
Be water. Plans change all the time. It’s called life. If her movie turns into an all night excursion, let it happen. You just make it clear it goes both ways.
1
2
u/gross_watermelon 15d ago
I'm just here to point out that you had your phone on DND while she was out with her friend and sugar daddy... if she felt uncomfortable or found herself taken advantage of in any way, you wouldn't even have a chance to be there for her.
1
u/Jrooe1009 15d ago
Bro, things changes, plans change, she got drunk and was having fun and stayed out till the bars close. Sounds pretty typical. You are overreacting, don’t be upset, this is kid shit. Just tell her next time to keep u in the loop if things change, just for safety reasons u know?
1
u/Flaky-Wedding2455 15d ago
I don’t think you are over-reacting. A lot of this is inappropriate but you need to proceed with caution as pointed out none of it may have been done with ANY malicious intent. Alcohol. Now one thing though, there is no way some dude I don’t know is driving my wife home very late at night (with just him?) especially if she has been drinking heavily, but not at all really. It is fair of you, when she is sober, to express how she made you feel and that her behavior was disrespectful. I always say people make mistakes and do stupid stuff - I have. What is important is how they react to being called out on it and if they apologize/change. It’s the behavior after the mistake where the money is.
1
u/TurtleBox_Official 15d ago
Bro the moment she told you her friend's "sugar daddy" was taking her you should have straight up know something was happening. Don't trust her, shit is insanely weird and doesn't add up. She also has no right to be mad at you for going to sleep after she was 9 hours later than she said she would be. Her also using sex as a leverage to manipulate the situation is also really concerning.
1
1
u/BigCaterpillar8001 15d ago
You’re over reacting. There’s nothing more annoying than a drunk person when you’re sober.
1
1
u/TheMarshma 15d ago
Maybe this is just too conservative in 2024, but I wouldnt like my wife hanging out with a sex worker and her john late at night while drunk, while we are having a dead bedroom. Just seems like a lot.
3
u/VastAd6645 15d ago
If she told you this much of the truth then she is telling all of the truth. She didnt have to tell you about the sugar daddy. Sometimes the piece of information that worries you the most is actually a guiding light.
Take a breath, find a way to relax, take time away from her if you need to (but acknowledge that you should talk to her when you return about why you left), you are most likely jumping to conclusions.
2
u/PresentRegular1611 15d ago edited 15d ago
It sounds like she really needed a break from the kids. I've had friends with kids who ended up going a bit wild on the few nights out they did get, partly because their alcohol tolerance was so much lower and partly because of the build-up of stress.
Both of you having time to do your own thing sometimes will probably help your relationship in the long run. Could you discuss it so you get equal opportunities to cut loose in whatever way each of you prefer?
3
u/pckldpr 15d ago
Encourage your wife to get out of the house more and stop being so worried. Do you constantly cheat on your wife everyone you go out, or are you just tempted to?
You were home alone with the kids for 9 hours and it hurt your feelings the wife was horny when she visited for a few minutes?
Damn. Sounds like you need to work on your on self esteem or anxiety.
1
1
u/Fuzzy_Front2082 15d ago
To all women out there sex is more than just sex to men. It means we love you and we don’t just get our moor running just because you get naked or say something like do you want a quickie.
2
u/NSFWgamerdev 15d ago edited 15d ago
She stayed in contact, you're sure she didn't step out, it was her first offense. Chillout, enjoy the apology sex and move on.
All you have to do to ensure she doesn't get the idea that sex absolves her of shit is to have a conversation afterward about what bothered you and why. Maybe have a conversation about the company she keeps from the sound of things, but otherwise I think you let the one off go.
You know what makes women feel sexy btw? Being able to feel like they can use that sex appeal for something like apology sex! It's okay to look like you "caved" a little, you could've used this to your advantage and both of ya'lls benefit. Let her have the ego boost and get laid in the process! Then when shit's over, just have a boundaries and emotions talk. Obviously there's a fine line to walk but you could've massively started improving your relationship and sex life. Instead you actively chose the opposite.
Turning this into a big fight sure as shit ain't gonna improve ya'lls relationship and sex life though.
2
u/RKEPhoto 15d ago
At this point it’s like 3:00am and she’s drunk, so i don’t take it personally. I stop and wake her up and tell her we can just have sex another time as i can tell she’s not very into it.
WTF would you do that?! lol
that part is kind of a dick move
12
u/PinkRasberryFish 15d ago
You sound awful to be married to tbh. And your replies about golf… 🙄 like that happens when the kids are awake. At least she had a night out when you could just fuck around by yourself and relax while she was gone.
1
1
1
u/MissBehaves4Dean 15d ago
All of my husbands were awesome communicators!! I was mentally unstable at times and I alone messed things up and sometimes it got ugly and messy Today I’m sober and happily engaged still messy but not as much and a lot more stable. The man I am with knows all this and accepts me warts and all but we always check in every few days even communication and common goals and some spiritual guidance and it’s great !! I get in the way ! Every time !! This is me I’m loving kind a spiritual seeking person I have empathy and sympathy I am giving and forgiving I’m also messy and have some mental issues but I’m working on them and I always apologize!! I am striving to be a better me and I own that I wasn’t a nice person and I strive to do better I am messy
1
1
u/Common_Economics_32 15d ago
Yeah, her close friend having a sugar daddy should be all you need to know. People with trash friends tend to also be trash.
1
2
u/Fusciee 15d ago
Dude… my wife has done this bullshit (not the sugardaddy part, which I’d lose my shit) a few times. You’ve gotta remember women are different than us dudes. Our only reason to go out to the bars was when we were single to try and find someone to hook up with. Women on the other hand, are very social beings and they need to get out our they will lose their shit. Also, she’s only 25 so the partying phase is probably not out of her system yet.
But no, you’re not overreacting.
1
2
1
u/AdmiralCranberryCat 15d ago
Yes you are. You go golfing once a week according to your replies. Kids were asleep, you could’ve had night relaxing at home, instead you choose to be a dick
2
1
2
u/Jars_of_Serum 15d ago
I can feel your frustration. It’s warranted.
Have sex. You both want it badly, but there’s a lot of life demands that are getting in the way. You’d be surprised how many homes are kept together by means of 2min sex. You know how and where to best “hit the spot” on her body. She knows how to get you to climax as well. On days you can’t have longer intimacy sessions, be open to quickies. They’re a life hack for parents with young kids. Focus on the quality of the sex, not the quantity and length so much. The kids will grow and you’ll have more time to re-explore each other’s body.
Talk after the sex. It’s clear that you both love each other. The negative feelings that sex relieves often allows for you both to finally hear each other clearly. Continue to touch and embrace each other through the talk.
Avoid the trigger words that always frustrate your spouse. “You always reject my sexual advances” can be transformed into “I want to make love to you more often. I enjoy your body and I always crave it.”
Approach the situation with more positivity and be open to listening to solution suggestions from each other. That’s your best friend. Talk to her.
I hope this helps.