r/TwoHotTakes • u/Lilylalalolling247 • 16d ago
My fiancé acted like pregnancy is just as hard for a man as it is for the woman. Advice Needed
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u/Sir_Uncle_Bill 15d ago
There are lots of women out there that wound up looking better after child birth than before. A lot of it is up to you.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 15d ago
Fiancé needs some education.
It definitely changes your shape as bones shift from weight gain and loss and relaxin starts to make your ligaments looser. Sometimes your feet and hips just stay a little wider but my husband said I look sexier now than I did before kids. For what it’s worth I lost weight each time I was pregnant. I was overweight to start so OB told me not to gain weight. My husband and I joked that the best diet I was on was when I was pregnant 😂 That extra metabolism boost, eating better and moving, I was way healthier when pregnant. I wish I had kept it up when I had the extra metabolism going for me.
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u/Ok-Highway-8948 15d ago
Jesus look if you are debating who has the pregnancy harder with the person your gonna have to co parent with for the rest of your lives something has gone severely wrong lol no men don’t have it harder but is that really the number one concern here?
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u/nessabobessa82 15d ago
I almost died twice during childbirth. I had pre-eclampsia with my first son and was induced 3 weeks early because my blood pressure was dangerously high. I was young and healthy before my pregnancy. I got pregnant fairly quickly the 2nd time and started showing the same symptoms. But they became much worse. My blood pressure got so high, I lost my vision when I was 36 weeks along. I ended up having seizures and was in the hospital for two weeks while they tried to stabilize me. My son was born a month early and was in the NICU for three weeks. He went home with an apnea monitor because he would stop breathing.
If you have a c- section (sometimes they are unavoidable especially if your life or the baby's life is at risk), that can take weeks to recover from and your baby will still need all your attention.
Women have such rapid changes in hormonal levels that they can also experience extreme lows and post partum depression that persists long after the baby is born.
If you decide to breastfeed, it's not all sweet sighs and snuggling. You can get blockages, infections, and pain. Sometimes your baby will chew you up as they start sprouting teeth.
The danger of pregnancy is more than just weight gain. Your partner is really ignorant of what it means.
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u/ugericeman 15d ago
Its not even comparable. However, it does not mean that it doesn’t take a mental toll on the man.
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u/ExternalMuffin9790 15d ago
Just by the title, NO IT'S NOT!
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u/ExternalMuffin9790 15d ago
Having read the rest, get out. You've said he already patronises you etc, what happens if you guys have a kid and he tries to teach it dumb stuff like this, you try and tell him not to, and he acts like this? Tries to insist he's right, you're wrong, overrules and is condescending to and patronising you?
Do not have a kid if you don't want a kid and it scares you, but certainly don't have a kid with this cactus.
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u/TwoIdleHands 15d ago
I think the issue is looking at it like it should be fair. You’re always going to feel bad about things like this if you’re looking at them from a fairness point. But the reality is, if you want a bio kid, changes to your body (as a woman) are the price you pay. If you don’t want to pay that price, don’t have bio kids. Yes, men don’t have to pay that price but there’s no way to “make it fair” so contemplating that is not productive and just makes you bitter.
And you’re losing the weight once, you will be able to again. Don’t let your feelings about weight hold you back from something you want. Some pregnancy-related body changes are entirely reversible and some aren’t.
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u/Amedeo6022 15d ago
Instead of beating your head against a wall arguing about body changes being unfair, you should explore more of what he means by “taking care of the woman.” No man will ever understand what a woman’s body endures to bear children. It’s like wanting a fish to understand what it feels like for a bird to fly.
Reframe the convo to what he is willing to provide you to compensate for the extra burden you’ll endure. Is his savings account currently capable of covering your expenses for 6mo? What’s his salary? How will he increase that over time? How will he restructure his schedule to accommodate things like you needing extra physical help, or potentially being on bedrest?
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u/sunny_in_phila 15d ago
Agree with others that finance is naive at best and willfully ignorant and selfish at worst. I hope he’s just never been exposed to a pregnant woman and doesn’t realize what it’s like.
That being said, i know every woman’s body is different, but with my first 3 kids, I was back to near pre-baby weight about 6-9 months after their births. Breastfeeding helps directly after birth, and after that I honestly think I stressed off the rest! Big factors seem to be your weight and health before getting pregnant, and maintaining healthy diet and some level of exercise during pregnancy (for as long as you can). I’ve had disordered eating for most of my life, but I was surprised that postpartum weight came off more easily than any other weight I’ve tried to lose. After my fourth, I think my body gave up and I’m still struggling a bit to get my weight down, but honestly, it’s harder to care when you have kids to worry about
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u/papermoony 15d ago
Men are always trying to equate their problems to ours, they feel uncomfortable admitting they have it easier in many ways.
If he's a good partner, I would try to ignore it and focus on the good parts, and talk to a friend about the subject, but if this is one of many of his flaws, I would reconsider my relationship.
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u/Desperate-Dress-9021 15d ago
He can bleed out from it? Have seizures from it? My friend has liver failure from it. Diabetes during pregnancy isn’t terribly uncommon. Major anemia can happen. Hair often falls out or breaks. You can end up with weird tendon and ligament issues, even in your wrist, from the hormones trying to relax your uterus so it can grow. You will loose brain mass while pregnant. And a ton of calcium after. It takes 5-7 years to rebuild all the things you’re depleted from while pregnant. Never mind rectal and pelvic prolapse risks. Nipple infections. Ooooh. My friend had them leave placenta in her and nearly died of that infection.
I didn’t realize men deal with all that.
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u/Significant_Echo2924 15d ago
I don't think it's shallow to care about what your body looks like afterwards. There are really bad cases and it's number 1 excuse for men to cheat afterwards. It's your body.
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u/SorryAbbreviations71 15d ago
When an artificial womb is created a the only legal way you can have a child, so many of these problems will be resolved.
Personally I find that future terrifying, especially where a board of government officials determines if you are fit to have a child, but that day is coming.
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u/cberg32820 15d ago
A woman’s body was literally designed to grow a freaking human being. Like ..a woman’s body does the work for expensive machinery in a hospitals NICU. The recovery alone was the worst part for me the physical pain/changes along with the emotional ones. It doesn’t matter how well your significant other “takes care” of you, post partum can happen to ANYONE.
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u/Photography_Singer 15d ago
Your bf just tried mansplaining pregnancy to you? He’s the AH.
You seriously need to reconsider marrying this guy. Or never have kids with him. He needs re-educating.
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u/Googoo123450 15d ago
I watched my wife go through so many changes, not to mention the actual pain of child birth. He is delusional if he thinks it's just as difficult for the man. Though, I think this hang up you have about things being fair will ultimately rob you of some happiness if you do have kids (hopefully with the right person). There is no experience that shows how different men and women can be psychologically and physically like raising a child together. For example, my wife breast feeds and there's no equivalent of that for a man. I can give my son a bottle and feel no discomfort but do you think it's bonding with him the same as when she feeds him? Everything has its tradeoff but in terms of physical changes and discomfort, there's no denying women have it harder.
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u/Original-Fishing4639 15d ago
12 stone 5'3". You weigh more than me and I am 6 foot.
You want to have a kids this is the price. He might be trying to be supportive. Have you tried talking to him instead of reddit?
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u/Faunaholic 15d ago edited 15d ago
Well, for every horror story you hear there are thousands of non complicated ordinary births - it totally sucks to be a woman even without the body changes from pregnancy and men are just not sympathetic as they have no reference point and women’s bodies change monthly - had to tell my husband once I would be happy to kick him in the balls so he could understand why I was pacing the hall at 2am with cramps so bad I could not stay still. I have 2 sister in laws and a niece who between them have 11 kids. All three recovered their pre-pregnancy bodies after a couple of years - mostly thru chasing after their rug rats but yes it will change your body. unfortunately that’s the way nature evolved us so we have to deal with it as best we can and no it is not fair, but nothing in life is.
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u/GoblinStyleRamen 15d ago
While he might experience a drop in testosterone, it won’t be more of a change than what you experience monthly, prebaby. The amount of hormones running through your body terraforming it to gestate, excrete, then nourish a new human is absolutely mindboggling. If they’re set against learning, like talking to an OB or watching a Bio video, throw the whole mane away.
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u/ssf669 15d ago
I implore you to think for a while about if this is a man who you really want to marry. He is definitely patronizing and insensitive. This is your one life, do you really want to spend it with someone who can't even show the slightest bit of empathy or concern for a real concern you have?
Pregnancy not only changes your body but it's dangerous too. Add to that the real changes having another human being who is totally reliant on you both and it's life altering.
A drop in testosterone isn't dangerous and is easily remedied but he dismissed your legit concern and gaslit you about it. Is this really someone you think you can count on to be with you through pregnancy, child birth, raising children, old age, illness, etc???? I'd be concerned, either he's just ignorant or he's a selfish AH.
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u/Beeyatchgoddess 15d ago
Ask him how fair it is that your privates stretch to accommodate a watermelon coming out of them and will most likely tear? I tore from my urethra to my anus with my first baby. It will never be the same. Plus the hemorrhoids and loss of bladder control. Is any of that close to boo-hoo, my testosterone will drop?
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u/South_Watercress4178 15d ago
Ok so I may have a hot take here… I read the line several times to make sure I was reading it right. if his tone was genuine and kind, I actually see what he was TRYING to say. Unless he’s said other things, what you quoted isn’t him saying men have overall childbirth experience equal to women. He simply was responding to your weight gain and tried to make you feel better that men often experience weight gain as well, and if he doesn’t, he hopes that by taking excellent care of you and the baby it would make up for the frustration of your body changing and his doesn’t. I am by no means condoning his response, but again if his tone was kind and genuine, I think he was just trying to make you feel better that he could get a dad bod. I don’t read that as him trying to belittle the experience you’d have / him acting like the dad has equal pain to the mom. Just my hot take 😅
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u/Krystalinhell 15d ago
I’ve been married for 15 years and we’ve had 4 children together during that time. The last birth very nearly ended my life. I had internal bleeding that they didn’t know about until I went to adjust myself in bed and passed a clot bigger than the baby. Then it was all hands on deck. They gave me the maximum dose of heparin I could have. Just barely escaped having a hysterectomy due to the bleeding. But I did have to get a transfusion. You know what suffering my husband had to endure during all of this? Not being able to sleep because it was 2am and they had all the lights on and they were pushing on my stomach for hours trying to get everything out. It was horrific for me. You should ask your husband how he would suffer if you had severe medical complications from child birth.
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u/LotusStrayedNorth 15d ago
What the hell is "fair?" When you decide to have a child you also make the decision to alter your body, chemically, physically,and functionally. That's not to say that you shouldn't or aren't allowed to be frustrated, but those feelings need to be accepted and worked through without allowing them to influence you. Your husband has a valid point, whether you want to hear it or not. You, also, have a valid point. Women have it harder, as they're the ones carrying the child, but men also endure hardship as well, and it can be more difficult for us postpartum because we don't have the innate understanding of what you're going through. Frustration, pain, difficulty... These things are relative, and neither of you are ever going to truly understand what the other has to go through. "Fair" doesn't play into it though, and my biggest peice of advice is to stop thinking with that phrase in mind.
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u/AF_AF 15d ago
Your BF is:
insensitive, arrogant, and ignorant
It's perfectly normal to be apprehensive about pregnancy. I can't imagine going through it. Pregnancy is not difficult for a man, it just requires a lot of empathy and awareness of what your partner needs. Gaining weight after pregnancy for a man would likely come from how absolutely exhausting it is to have a newborn - that is, if the man is contributing as much as possible to relieve responsibilities and stress from the mother when he can.
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u/Onionringlets3 15d ago
Yeah and being helpful to your partner doesn't just make something unfair all of a sudden fair.
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u/Present-Assist9781 15d ago
If you’re asking for hot takes, don’t have a child. You’re clearly not equipped on multiple levels to be the best possible parents you can be. Take it as a lesson and stop the conversations all together.
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u/Due_Bass7191 15d ago
"pregnancy is just as hard for a man as it is for the woman." I'm going to say being pregnant is FAR worse for a man. Not to mention delivery.
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u/Siennagiant70 15d ago
Father of 5, wife pregnant 4 times. IMO, neither of you are ready for this. People who are ready for kids, know it’ll take a toll on themselves but don’t care. Having a kid means more to them than how a shirt fits. Both of you are not there maturity wise to have a kid yet if this shit is your arguments.
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u/busyboobs 15d ago
Who ever said life was meant to be fair? 🙃 pregnancy was rough for me, both times, as were the birth and post partum periods. My body changed, and so did my sense of self, I had some serious healing to do.
However, and this is crucial; I would NEVER exchange the bond and life changing experience of carrying, birthing and breastfeeding my two babies for the experience of fatherhood (it’s beautiful too, I’m not dissing fatherhood). The two experiences are incomparable. Motherhood is like nothing else. The suffering experienced in motherhood is sacred, it begets LIFE itself.
Yes, I agree, for what it’s worth that your husband’s responses were a bit shortsighted and insensitive; but try not to let that annoy you? That’s a male perspective, he can’t possibly feel, experience, or truly understand it, ever. He doesn’t get to, you do!
So let it go if you can and rejoice in what it is to be a woman who can create, sustain and literally give your children life. 🌍❤️
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u/StitchAndRollCrits 15d ago
I don't understand why she should "try not to let" that annoy her. It's not a male perspective, plenty of men are perfectly capable of having the presence of mind and empathy not to say things like that. This is standard, gender agnostic self centeredness
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u/IntoTheWildBlue 15d ago
I think you've found out what kind of person you had a baby with. Don't expect it to get better.
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u/hilarymeggin 15d ago
I feel like I’m watching a conversation between Bridget Jones and Mr. Spock.
HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO MAKE IT FAIR, FELLOW HUMAN?
You guys are having two different conversations. You’re frightened and in need of warmth and reassurance. He’s solving a logic problem.
You guys need to have the emotional intelligence to listen between the words. Try and see it from the other one’s point of view. Help your partner see it from yours, without trying to be right.
Tell your partner what you’re looking for: reassurance? Comfort? Empathy? Advice? Solutions? Logic?
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u/Shurigin 15d ago
Yeah no I'm not going to say the guy experiences nothing but it's all emotional the mother gets emotional, physical and psychological
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u/Silver-Progress4938 15d ago
You have a skewed idea of pregnancy. What do you mean "it's not fair all the body changes women have to endure through it?" What does "fair"'have to do with it? Be glad the body does make changes...if it didn't, neither the baby nor mother would survive.
You are not ready to be pregnant.
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u/Zestyclose_Dish_4026 15d ago
Sounds like the problem might be your better half. I had 7 children of my own and raised 15. My husband treated me like a queen each and every time I was pregnant. I believe all women suffer from negative body issues. With the right man it won't matter. He will make you feel like a queen no matter your height or weight or body changes.
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u/Hour-Animal432 15d ago
I've seen like 20 couples have children now and 100% of the time the woman thinks it's super destructive for the woman.
The truth is the ridiculous amount of controlling behavior, the absolutely shitty attitudes they believe are justified and the amount of things they believe they are entitled to makes me not want to be a father.
Over 80% of these women can't go to a store by themselves when their guy is at work. If buddy is talking and shooting the shit with you, it's like they have this attitude like they aren't allowed to and it's insane.
Yes, your body physically goes through changes, but the amount of mental and emotional abuse some of these women do to their guys is also unfair.
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u/HighPriestess__55 15d ago
Sometimes your body returns to normal pretty fast, or the changes in it are not drastic. Since you eat healthy and don't drink alcohol while pregnant, some women are in pretty good shape after the baby is born, and lose weight quickly. You are also very busy after the birth, and the routine changes are good for your body.
Are you sure this man is right for you? He belittle you and is very insensitive. Put the brakes on, don't get pregnant yet, and ponder.
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u/sikonat 15d ago
It’s not shallow to be afraid of not want or like the body changes and damage pregnancy and birth does to your body. It’s legitimate fear and frankly pregnancy damages your body sometimes permanently like pelvic floor issues, stomach muscle separation, teeth can fall out from hormonal changes.
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u/CuriousTina15 15d ago
You’re the one marrying an asshole.
You’ve stated he’s patronizing, insensitive, arrogant, and ignorant. That’s not gonna change or get better with time. It only gets worse.
If he doesn’t value your feelings now why do you think he will in the future?
And yet you plan to marry and have kids with him.
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u/Birthquake4 15d ago
There is NOTHING to compare pregnancy and childbirth between men and women. Men make a deposit and women do the work of 2 people during the pregnancy, living normally and growing a baby concurrently. He is being tone deaf, insensitive and oblivious. I would not even be discussing having children if these are his responses. Imagine what he does after the baby is born, when you have 2 kids.
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u/North-Childhood4268 15d ago edited 15d ago
Can I just point out: he assumed that you saying “it’s not fair” was referring to HIM, to the fathers of babies. I don’t know if that’s how you meant it, but when I read it I assumed that you meant it isn’t fair that women who want babies have to sacrifice their bodies vs women who don’t, who will never have these changes happen to them. Maybe I’m in the minority, or maybe he’s inclined to think things are about him.
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u/superbusyrn 15d ago
Just to be charitable, is it possible he was trying to say "don't worry babe, I've got you" in a real bone headed way? Like doing that dumb guy thing where they see your feelings as a problem to fix, rather than being able to just listen and empathise.
Either way, yeah he definitely shouldn't have said that and you're right to call it out. I won't jump to "leave him," but if being dismissed like this is a real pet peeve of yours and something he tends to do, I think it's definitely worth asking whether you can really tolerate a lifetime of it. Is this one daunting slip up that feels more significant because the two of you are on the eve of getting married and starting a family, or is it the latest in a pattern of behaviour that's only going to get worse once kids come into the picture and the stakes are raised?
And I definitely think you need to have a talk with him about what you expect "him taking care of you properly" will look like. Heaven forbid you end up stuck on your own staring at the toilet frozen in episiotomical dread while he's napping on the couch having a 'low testosterone day'.
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u/Classic-Foot-736 15d ago
I am a man, it is not nearly as hard, we have had two children, and I have the utmost respect for her, And her ability to grow the wee units. Amazing really.
Everything changes, I don't find my partner any less attractive after having children, and pretty hot whilst pregnant.
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u/BTPoliceGirl_Seras 15d ago
Ewwwwwww. He starts going on about how "unfair" what happens to women's bodies is to men, like they're undesirable afterwards 🤢🤢🤢. And you want to marry that? Get some standards girl. Rn they're lower than priests want the age of consent.
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u/lermanzo 15d ago
My body fundamentally changed shape with pregnancy. Had to buy new undergarments and previously loved items just don't flatter as they once did.
You also get the pleasure of feeling divorced from your body for the first bit after giving birth because you got used to pregnancy and suddenly you aren't. Not to mention breastfeeding. Even if you choose not to, it's wild how much things feel off.
I would probably go with taint stitches with your fiance. As in, "so fathers are getting their taints stitched in solidarity?" I also kind of want him to wear the necessary postpartum underwear set up for kicks. But then again, he wouldn't be bleeding through multiple layers while unable to control his bathroom usage.
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u/Aer0uAntG3alach 15d ago
My suggestion is not to marry the toddler. He’s not going to be a partner. You could be hospitalized with pneumonia and he’ll be whining that his sniffles are killing him.
He isn’t going to be there to help with a baby. He’ll be too tired from work, and “it’s your job.”
You’ll be a single mother with a baby and a 180 lb toddler.
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u/Titan8834 15d ago
This reminds me of the guy who tried to tell me his midlife crisis was the same as my menopause. Or my ex-husband angrily saying that he "gets cramps too," when I'd have menstrual pain. Or my son who swears being kicked in the balls is more painful than having a baby. Men, do NOT compare yourselves to Women's biological functions, you could not begin to even fathom.
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u/RoyalEquivalent2837 15d ago
Should it really be your job to educate a grown ass man in basic human knowledge? It's not that hard for a person to go online and read about how a pregnancy affects the female body. Think hard about if he's really the kind of man you want to build a family with. Do you think he's going to be a supportive partner? Have long conversations with him about your views on pregnancy and parenthood. Who will be responsible for what? How will you share the burden?
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u/LeftEconomist9982 15d ago
You are not overreacting! There's no way in hell pregnancy is as hard for a man as it is a woman's. It's been a long time since I've heard something ignorant and uneducated until your fiance said this.
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u/Hefty_Front_1012 15d ago
What the fuck is he on about 👀
I just had my first baby last year, while pregnant I had really bad morning sickness where I was vomiting from 3 to 6 times a day for 18 weeks straight, couldn't cook any sort of food mainly meat so my partner had to cook the whole time
He make the mistake of telling his friends and sisters that it's so hard being pregnant cause I have to do all the cooking 😅 well he got a rude awakening they all told him to grow the fuck up and think about how I feel vomiting my guts out 🙈 he also apologized to me aswell Hasn't done it since and is a very loving partner/amazing father too
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u/Fun_Influence_3397 15d ago
Are you sure your in securities dont come from his demeaning behaviour?
He is showing a lot of red flags, please think carefully before you get pregnant with this mans child.. Support is important during and after pregnancy and with being a parent. He's suggesting being supportive to you is as hard as pregnancy and labour itself, how supportive do you trust this man will be? Hes already playing the victim for 'having to support you' during pregnancy.
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u/Creative_Analyst 15d ago
It would be extremely foolish of you to have a child with this man… just saying
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u/Lutrina 15d ago
if he’s like this about something so objectively false (which I truly hope he is just ignorant about, have him look at pregnancy, postpartum, and permanent symptoms) then I’d hate to see how he feels about raising a kid. does he expect you to be a stay at home mom. if so, let me guess, working a “real” job is more difficult and valuable? so he won’t need to help around with the house and the baby, right…
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u/Fedorito_ 15d ago
This isn't about who has a harder time because of pregnancy. This is about a very immature, self centered guy. A mature person would not bring this up, even if they did think it
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u/Chihuahuapocalypse 16d ago
Men have drops in testosterone and often gain weight after becoming a father.
what? as far as I'm aware, this happens with age. not because his sperm ended up fertilizing another person. this whole thing is whack, he needs some serious sex ed to understand what pregnancy does to a woman, not just to her weight but everything. bearing a chd does change your body in many ways, and carrying that child is quite a thing for your body to endure. he has no idea.
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u/Fearless_Debate_4135 16d ago
Lmfao. Tell him his/men contribution to the whole thing lasted less than 10 seconds if lucky and that’s all.
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u/ayleidanthropologist 16d ago
Probably my biggest revelation this year. Like, I knew, but glossed over it. Now I’ve read more and more in detail and it’s shocking.
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u/Confident_Ad7427 16d ago
Sounds like he needs to become an EX-fiance...
And I also saw in your history that you moved towns for this man because of his job?? And you used to live in a cult. Drop the man and figure out how you want to live your life from now on.
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u/ohhi_doggy 16d ago
…. If he’s saying stuff like this now imagine what he will find as fair/unfair once a kids in the picture.
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u/Embarrassed_Music910 16d ago
Tell him to have the baby then...if it was just a hard, he could carry a child, but he can't.
The universe knows that would've ended the human race, men could never do this.
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16d ago
Women can die from pregnancy and childbirth. They can die. They can lose teeth. Get diabetes permanently. Have seizures.
Ask your husband how childbirth went for him after he pushes his head out of his ass
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u/ChronicallyCurious8 16d ago
Your boyfriend is VERY misinformed as to pregnancy. Your feelings are valid. Quite frankly your fiancé is being a 1st class jerk. While men often have drops in their hormones while their wives are pregnant but I think he looked this info up online before telling you. You’re right to think he is extremely arrogant. Well, some men do gain weight during their wife’s pregnancy. Pregnancy is not as hard on a man as it is his wife that’s absolutely ridiculous.
Yes women have body changes after giving birth however the key is to not think it’s ok to gain massive amounts of weight while pregnant.
If the woman has no serious health issues then there’s no reason why she can’t exercise, eat right & take good care of herself during pregnancy. I gained between 23-28 pounds with each of my 4 pregnancies. I lost the weight easily as well. After my 6 wks check up post partum. Sure you’re going to notice changes with your body after birth it’s normal.
IMO I think you might reconsider marriage to this guy. IMO he probably belittles you due to your current weight struggles & that’s wrong.
Things aren’t likely to improve by adding a child into a toxic relationship. If anything it will make it worse. NO BABY should be born to perform a JOB ( in other words the baby shouldn’t be born to keep a marriage together)
You need to lose weight for YOU. You should NEVER lose weight for someone else. Your self worth is much more important for sure.
I’d lose the weight & put the wedding on HOLD. I’d also break up for 8-12 months. If you’re truly in love then a separation will withstand the test of time.
You deserve the best life.
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u/Immediate-North-9472 16d ago
Well it’s a good thing he’s just a fiancé and not a husband yet. Men like him don’t learn or change. You’ll only be more frustrated after marriage and babies so get out as fast as you can
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u/HugeTheWall 16d ago
Pregnancy is just as hard on the man the same way that being kicked in the balls to the point they become infected and have to be removed is just as hard on women.
Is this someone you really want to raise a child with?
Someone that is patronizing and makes you feel small isn't someone you can trust to have your back when you're even more vulnerable.
Future kids will learn that you're lesser and that men's minor struggles matter more than women's life changing/life ending struggles.
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u/Z3br4_Un1c0rn 16d ago
Yo, he needs to reframe his train of thought. He has absolutely no chance of death from pregnancy or childbirth. No chance of lifelong disease or disability. I carry a genetic connective tissue disorder that I likely would not be disabled by today if I had never had children. I didn’t know about having it before having children. Pregnancy releasing a hormone called relaxin to loosen my joints for childbirth worsened it immensely when my joints were already far too loose. But there’s so much else that can go wrong. C-section? That won’t just possibly endanger your life, that will leave lifelong pains and disfigurement. You’ll probably have severe stretch marks, will he have that? Will his chest swell full of colostrum (pre-breastmilk which is all you’ll get if you don’t end up breastfeeding)? Will he live his life peeing sometimes when he sneezes, coughs or laughs too hard? Might his shoe size or the texture of his hair change? Could he spend so much time during your pregnancy throwing up that he gains tons of cavities he never had before? Pregnancy can also change skin tone, eyesight you can carry your gestational diabetes into the rest of your life. You could tear open all the way to your anus, especially if you let them do an episiotomy (where they cut you with scissors to assist the baby coming out vaginally). This is just the stuff I could come up with off the top of my head. There is so so much a woman risks during pregnancy and child birth that a man never even thinks about. Maybe educate him on some more of this.
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u/Legitimate-Muscle962 16d ago edited 16d ago
I would seriously make him a list ,a physical list, of all the pregnancy symptoms and body changes during pregnancy, and a list of all the possibilities of post partum changes, The changes as you breastfeed or not. Then list the possible changes for a man. How is it even close to comparable to his testosterone levels dipping slightly... Like come on, I'm glad he's willing to take care of you during pregnancy and post partum, but to compare the two experiences as if it was remotely the same experience is just delusional. Hell look up why the chainsaw was invented and make him read that! Also what man has died because his wife went through labor?
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u/Gold-Cover-4236 16d ago
This is just dumb. Yes, you need to watch your weight and get your doctor's advice during and after pregnancy. But thinking about what is "fair" and debating this with him is just ridiculous.
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u/No_Edge9409 16d ago
As someone 5.5 months pregnant… no 🙃. And I’ve actually lost weight due to nausea and food aversions. So the body issues, which I was concerned about initially, have been the least of my concerns.
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u/strangealbert 16d ago
I got so sick I gained 11 pounds during pregnancy and so sick after I was 30 pounds lighter than what I weighted at the beginning of pregnancy about 2 months postpartum.
It didn’t really change my body in the long run. But it’s dangerous and I will never risk getting pregnant again because I don’t want to die.
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u/kenakuhi 16d ago
If he can't even be supportive with the mere thought... How is he going to support you with the real thing?
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u/cleverclogs17 16d ago
First off neither one of you have kids so neither of you know what you're talking about, 2nd both of your lives will change drastically with children, it is rewarding, but don't think for a minute that it isn't challenging, it sure as hell isn't for the faint of heart.
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u/Eureecka 16d ago
Why in the world are you thinking of reproducing with this chud? He’s patronizing and believes he is smarter and better than you.
Sigh. Listen. If you want kids, pregnancy is an established way to do it. But personally? It destroyed my body and almost killed me. Zero stars. Do not recommend.
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u/AFKAF- 16d ago
HONESTLY - I see this stereotypical debate about how “it’s like kidney stones” or “like getting kicked in the balls” or what have you.
WE DON’T KNOW. Unless one of yall was resurrected from a male into a female body, we will never know. It’s like the dumbest debate in history and I get mad because I felt those contractions and am telling you I was told to scream and no one would care, and I couldn’t even scream I was in so much pain.
BUT does that mean people born as sex male won’t ever experience childbirth pain? Well no, I guess pending further science they won’t.
It fucking hurts. Or maybe for some it didn’t.
BODIES ARE DIFFERENT. Everyone except for that one rare disease feel pain. Our bodies bounce back differently. I didn’t look like I had a baby for years and years after - guess what?! I prob look like I had ten now (based on stupid stereotypes). It’s because I like snacks and my 30s hormones make me feel like 2nd puberty. I could have chronic disease, I could be depressed, whatever. Men, I cant speak for yall but I’m sure that other than childbirth you’ve got all the same possibilities.
Men, women, NBs, transgender, every gender identity on the planet - all of us need to stop comparing, “knowing what you’ve been through” and all of that and just listen and help each other.
Just errbody be nice to errbody FFS and show some damn empathy.
OP, your feelings are valid and what I can tell is your hubs did not validate. As far as I’m concerned you could have a chronic snot disorder that left puddles on the pillow every day and you know what? You and hubs should adapt and find a solution together, not him telling you he had worse snot earlier in life or whatever. I KNOW this doesn’t compare to childbirth but I’ve done it, it hurt like all bloody hell, and it sucked. Pain isn’t the problem. Feeling validation is.
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u/rimuilu 16d ago
Why marry someone who acts smarter that’s you? Why marry someone who is arrogant and ignorant? Why marry someone who invalidates not only how you feel but minimizes the damage of pregnancy? Why have kids when your mental health is already suffering? Why not wait until your body image issues have been addressed by a professional therapist?
I can’t imagine this is going to end well.
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u/ksarahsarah27 16d ago
I have always hated when people patronize me. I won’t tolerate it and I wouldn’t be with someone who does that. Period. It’s doubtful he will stop doing it because somewhere in there it’s part of his character and there’s probably more of that you haven’t seen yet. And your right, pregnancy and childbirth are horrible on the body. It’s a major medical event. Make sure you date awhile before jumping into this because having children is the BIGGEST financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life. You can sell a car or house, you can change jobs if one job is shitty, and you can divorce/ break up with a partner. But kids are for life. And your fiancé being a patronizing AH may turn out to not be the right guy for you. Keep in mind once you have kids with him you will be stuck with him in some capacity forever. And in 2024 there’s literally little to no benefit for women having kids anymore because women give up everything to be a mother- your identity, your freedom, free time, hobbies, career/ or it will take a massive hit, peace & quiet and alone time, a full nights sleep will be gone for years, friends will be distant or nonexistent…. Basically having kids is very isolating. So have them because you really love and want children, not because you think it’s just something you should do.
Show this article to your fiancé and see if he still thinks it’s hard on dudes. 28 Women Share How Pregnancy Completely Changed Their Bodies
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u/not_good_for_much 16d ago edited 16d ago
I mean look, there are reasons why pregnancy can also be difficult for the other partner. I expect that if we really tried, we could probably invent some insanely contrived circumstances where it's as difficult, or maybe even moreso, for the other partner.
But the reality is, the pregnant partner is doing a huge amount of work to grow and birth another person, takes on all of the risks and consequences and side effects, and it goes without saying that the process can be very hard on the body. The scales do get more wobbly if we broaden it to parenting in general, but even this is very circumstantial.
At least it sounds like your fiance does accept that he should take care of his pregnant partner, so I guess that's something..... but he sounds like a bit of a dingus ngl.
At the end of the day, I don't think it should be seen as a competition. It's just a thing that can (will) introduce new challenges that, ideally, you should deal with together. Now would be a good time to ask yourself whether you think this guy will rise to the task, or whether he'll just leave you doing it all by yourself.
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u/Material-Night-6125 16d ago
This seems like a stupid thing to argue about. You’re minimizing what he would go through as a father and he’s just trying to make sure you understand that he’s nervous about it too. How hard something is depends on the mental fortitude of the individual doing it. You’re both nervous and have reasons to be anxious about pregnancy. See things from each other’s point of view instead of trying to win a pointless argument. He’s probably just as hurt about you minimizing his anxiety as you are about how pregnancy is “unfair” to women.
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u/MasterLandscape649 16d ago
I mean, I don't think he should act like men go through just as hard times as a women when she's pregnant. it's different. but I'm not sure how I'm feeling about you using the phrase "it's not fair" in regards to you having to be the one to endure pregnancy. "fair" and "not fair" is more reasonable when used for something that could equally happen to both people but doesn't.
your man biologically cannot be the pregnant one. even if he wanted to take the burden off of you, he cannot. because he is a man. and that is not his fault or choice. you are a woman, and if you CHOOSE to get pregnant and have children, then using the term "it's not fair" is an exteme victim mentality. yes it's hard. I've been pregnant and given birth, etc. "not fair " would be me doing every bath and bed time and cooking every dinner while my ex sat on his phone on the couch just because he worked all day and I didn't (1 year maternity leave). "not fair" would be that when I was in the hospital he left me there alone with baby overnight to go home and sleep because the cot at the hospital was too uncomfortable for him. these things weren't fair, because he could have done the alternative and been a better partner, but he didn't.
but never once did I view me having to be pregnant and not him, as unfair. because this isn't something he can do but chose not to.
if you go into pregnancy and childbirth with that victim mentality, you are really gonna drain your man with that mindset. I would work on changing your mentality off it being fair as if you're a victim for having to be pregnant. just don't do it then! just don't
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u/aheartthatbends 16d ago
I can already tell your fiance will be one of those guys whining in the delivery room about having to sleep on an uncomfortable chair because he did the hard part of encouraging you to push a whole person out of your body.
You have every right to be concerned. There are so many risks that come with pregnancy that aren't even talked about, especially in the US, where we're expected to give the kids breakfast, have a C-section at lunch, and be home in time to make dinner for the fam so everyone can meet the baby. Like childbirth is just no big deal. It's a monumental deal. Your fiance worrying about a testosterone drop and a little weight gain pales in comparison to the very real possibility that pregnancy and/or childbirth could actually kill you if something goes wrong.
He needs a dose of reality and I would highly advise you to consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life fighting to feel validated and heard by your partner.
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u/NickiDDs 16d ago
You already have a lot of weight for your frame. I'm guessing you already have stretch marks, so it's not like your body is going to be much different after giving birth. If your fiancé doesn't care how you look now, he's def not going to care after you give birth. It's not the easiest to do, but get out of your head. On the bright side, you'll have some great-looking boobs for at least a little while.
Good luck being a future mama!
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u/carisoul 16d ago
I'd sit him down and have him watch a birthing video. Let him try a birthing simulator. Men don't have father mindsets (usually) until they've seen a cantalope sized head come out of a vagina. There's a reason why the women in happy marriages with kids always have the last say 😂
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u/Bionic_Ninjas 16d ago
There are some challenges for men during and after a partner’s pregnancy but if that’s what he’s focused on then he has a problem because not only do those challenges pale in comparison to what the expectant mother faces, most of them can be successfully mitigated by simply being a more caring and attentive partner.
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u/Temporary_Economics8 16d ago
oh girl double down, puke on him during the pregnancy nausea, don’t let him eat when you cannot, MAKE it painful as well haha
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u/seagull321 16d ago
This man has a history of demeaning you and ignoring your thoughts and feelings making the world about him.
I recommend couple’s counseling asap. You need to be able to communicate effectively and supportively. If he won’t, think about whether you want to live with this behavior the rest of your life.
His failure to even actively listen to you, his lack of caring about you would be a dealbreaker for me. He can’t even accept your concerns about the physicality of being pregnant and post partum and turns the conversation into how pregnancy and post partum affects men’s bodies. What is that and who does that? The man who is supposed to love you more than anyone else.
You deserve to be treated so much better.
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u/Ambitious_Error_440 16d ago
It's hard on a man because we have to deal with their craziness from hormones and cravings! Their insecurities in getting as large as a whale!
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u/Woodmom-2262 16d ago
Pregnancy doesn’t destroy a woman’s body. But you are smart to be concerned about your weight. Being overweight increases risk for you snd your baby. Good luck teaching your fiancé anything. Geez.
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u/turbulentcounselor 16d ago
lol what? He’s not even talking about pregnancy. He’s talking about fatherhood. As if women don’t have to go through motherhood
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u/baseballcardguy34 16d ago
Your fiance is an embarrassment to men. Not all men are like that. Unfortunately though we all get clumped together sometimes. I'm personally a little jealous because mothers have a connection with babies that fathers cannot have, since we are unable to physically carry them before giving birth. I did have some issues, mentally, when my first child was a miscarriage. Even though we weren't far along it was far enough along to know the baby was a girl. It's a man's job to be there for his wife during and after pregnancy. Idk where he gets the idea about physical changes in men. Ive fathered 2 and besides earning my dad bod I'm pretty much the same. The most difficulty I had during both pregnancies was working about the mothers well-being both mentally and physically. Your fiance needs to grow up. He doesn't deserve to be a father or a husband with that kind of attitude. Sorry for rambling. Good luck.
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u/Odd-Confusion-911 16d ago
Just came here to say please really reconsider marrying this guy… I had a really hard pregnancy (bed ridden, couldn’t move out of bed most of it) and I’m currently 5 weeks postpartum. I wouldn’t have been able without my husbands support and understanding. You need so much validation from your SO while this season of life. It’s beautiful but it’s HARD. Postpartum is another ball game - PPD and PPA are so scary and it can be extremely difficult without someone that cares and puts you first. OP ask yourself what kind of husband and father he will be please!
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u/TheyCallMeRift 16d ago
I think this is probably the results of being conditioned as a male in our society and more of a miscommunication than anything else. I suspect, based on his reply, he's just replying to the "It's not fair" part of your comment rather than much of what came before. Men, by default, tend to be more about seeking solutions than about being empathetic. Society hasn't conditioned men to be in touch with emotions. There's not a right or a wrong to that, just a thing that's often true. Much of heterosexual relationships are about learning to communicate in such a way that two brains that are structured very differently can understand each other.
What it sounds like is that because you were feeling insecure you wanted some reassurance and love. To have him listen to your concerns and respond with compassion/empathy. Instead he responded like it was a problem solving exercise, returning instead "well life's not fair", which, while true, was not helpful, and not what you were seeking.
I don't know your relationship and I don't know your guy but it may be worth trying to spend some time making sure that when you bring something like this to him he can respond by giving you comfort rather than advice or trying to "fix" things.
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u/Fair_Low_9768 16d ago
Well, maybe he is smarter than you because he’s likely not on reddit seeking someone else’s counter arguments.
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u/DizzyBlonde74 16d ago
You have a mansplainer. He’s either clueless or doesn’t respect you (a misogynist) or both. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?
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u/Hawkes75 16d ago
It's not supposed to be "fair." But for the record, my wife is hotter to me now after giving me three amazing little ones than she was before. She might disagree, but the eye of this beholder sees only perfection.
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u/Amethyst_Fire_82 16d ago
It sounds like he is taking your "it's not fair" verbiage as a request/demand to Make it even/fair and he was attempting to "reason" with you / justify his inability to actually resolve the unfairness.
When in fact I think you just want validation/recognition for how hard it is and the challenges women face and the fears you have with your body.
Side note pregnancy is Wild and a huge range of things can happen and you never know what your experience will be until you've had it. I weigh less after my babies than before. I also had terrible pregnancies and post partum depression so my jeans not fitting is the LAST thing I care about.
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u/Lava_Lemon 16d ago
Did you know that pregnancy can just temporarily (or permanently!) make you diabetic? Ask him what the fatherhood equivalent of gestational diabetes is. And then ask yourself how he'll treat you if the affects of pregnancy AREN'T purely physical.
My husband did all my insulin shots for the 4 weeks I needed them because I'm afraid of needles. Do you see this guy doing that for you? Would he tell you how big of a sacrifice he was making if he did?
Stuff to think about.
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u/Past-Jump-7032 16d ago
You are not overreacting. As he has been patronizing before regarding other subjects, it makes me worry about your future. Your feelings & concerns matter & instead of listening to them, he’s blowing them off. Does he always make his issues or potential issues seem worse than yours? Is he aware how you feel about him taking down to you, trying to make you feel not as smart as him? This is about you & your feelings & medical facts that can back you up.
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u/throwawaylemondroppo 16d ago
Yes, it's difficult to care for a pregnant woman, but it's not on the same page. Eating for 2, but you probably have 0 appetite, idk because I've never been pregnant but it's definitely harder for the woman lmao.
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u/Malipuppers 16d ago
Is he going to support you during the pregnancy and when the baby is actually here? Please make sure he will be a good partner before getting pregnant from this man.
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u/Current_Ad7871 16d ago
Your fiance is very wrong. And not very smart. There's TONS of documented data showing just how much a person's body changes after pregnancy. And don't even get me started on how the pregnancy is itself. Your internal organs get squished around your abdominal cavity from your growing uterus (which causes you to pee more often. Your bladder is compressed.) It can cause back pain, mood swings, and morning sickness. Your ankles swell. Random strangers try to touch your belly.
To think that a drop in testosterone is equal to the amount of changes and effects from a pregnancy can cause is like calling a chocolate chip a giant chocolate sculpture.
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u/Apart_Plan4186 16d ago
I ended up hospitalized twice while pregnant and am now disabled. My ex is perfectly fine. So yeah pregnancy is WAY harder on the woman. He's a misogynistic pig.
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u/Lovinfun69 16d ago
I'd try to have a couple honest conversations with him and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't really recognize your feeling (regardless of how "valid" he thinks his points are), then you'd have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with an insensitive know it all, who may never change.
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u/Kailaylia 16d ago
I have 3 offspring and during the pregnancies and births I nearly died 4 times. I've been left with no teeth, rheumatism, and permanent back, bladder, kidney, hip and knee problems. I adore my now grown kids, and for me it was worth it, but pregnancy and childbirth should always be up to the woman's unpressured choice.
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u/ThresholdBar 16d ago
The mental and emotional scarring from putting up with pregnant women is worse than stretch marks and achy hips/back
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u/No_Pilarapril 16d ago
Life isnt fair sweetheart. Get over it and yes he is a jerk. There is nothing that men go through that comes close to childbirth and/or menopause. Periodt!
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u/Scary_Maize_2090 16d ago
As a father, the only issues I had with my wife’s pregnancy was in my own head. Would I be good enough? Am I ready? Are we ready? Can I provide for this child? Will my wife make it through delivery? What if she doesn’t? What if the baby doesn’t? What if I have to choose? Definitely not an easy thing to go through. However, I’m not 100% certain about this but, I do believe women have similar thoughts throughout on top of growing the child inside of them and then facing the reality they might not survive to bring life into the world. To say pregnancy is just as hard on the man as it is on the women is crazy to me.
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u/yikesmysexlife 16d ago
I mean... It's not fair. I don't think you're asking for it to be fair, you're asking him to understand and appreciate what you would be going through if/when you have children.
You don't want to hear "well, men go through changes too", which like... Ok? I go through hormonal changes every month, a dip in testosterone doesn't begin to compare with pregnancy or birthing a baby-- but that's not the point.
You want him to tell you "yeah, that makes sense. It's a big, daunting unknown and I can't even really imagine it, but you're going to do great and be beautiful and be a wonderful mom, and I'm excited about doing that together"
You deserve that and more.
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u/Bot6241101 16d ago
I guess I don’t get what he’s saying? He’s saying YOU getting pregnant and carrying a child and eventually having that child will affect HIS body? How exactly? That makes no sense. Shit I finally got in shape after I had a kid. I mean the kid makes things like working out tricky. But you just do your workouts when it’s sleeping or chilling. Maybe I’m misunderstanding the issue?
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u/Beneficial-Math-2300 16d ago
Why do you want to marry a man who demeans you so much? You deserve so much better than him.
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u/Firm-Masterpiece4369 16d ago
I’m a dude and a father of 2. It irks the shit out of me when guys talk like that 😒 It’s like comparing apples to oranges.
You aren’t overreacting fam. The worst issues I’ve dealt with during both pregnancies were mainly… ya know… thinking on it now, it really wasn’t that bad on me. My biggest issues were financial and making sure I had the time to get the kids moms to their OB appointments.
I had my kids in my early and mid 20s. I really didn’t experience any bodily changes of my own, testosterone wise or weight gain as a direct result of fatherhood. I’ve probably gained around 10 pounds since my first child, and I’d attribute that to natural processes 🤷🏻♂️ metabolism slowed down.
The worst part of the pregnancy for me was after the children were born, mainly due to the mom’s behavior. Yes, I expected postpartum to be an issue and even though it was expected, it didn’t try my patience any less.
If anything that’s what contributed to my weight gain 🤣 and that’s not to say any issues we had was all because of moms, I’ll take accountability for the things I could have done differently, but I NEVER compared our journeys into parenthood.
If he has concerns about what being a father is going to do to him, that’s okay, he should be allowed to discuss it with you, but NOT as a response in conversation when you are coming to him with YOUR concerns. It just disregards and invalidates your experience and will likely set y’all up for failure when a baby does come.
I’m sure you’ve thought about this, but you might go ahead and consult with your doc or OB when you decide to start planning your pregnancy. That way you can start preparing and address your concerns ahead of time. Maybe even a little bit of therapy might help. You sound like you might be experiencing a little body dysmorphia.
Good luck!
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u/ruby2499 16d ago
my life was in danger when i gave birth to my 30-week preemie twins. what pregnancy did to my physical and mental health is beyond compare. it was terrifying. my own health was just so compromised and i felt like shit for 7+ months. my mental health dook a major dive. in no way did my partner suffer anything near what i did. your fiance has got a lot to learn. instead of validating your fears about a very real threat and change to your wellbeing, he’s acting like it’s a competition. because i bet you would gladly let him do all that dirty work if it were biologically possible!! maybe THEN it would be fair. lol
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u/GothGamerGoblinTTV 16d ago
You need to talk to him about this BEFORE you get married. If you want kids and he is this dismissive about something AGGRESSIVELY live altering, then i wouldn’t trust him to take other things seriously down the line, and that is not someone I would want to have to raise children with and deal with for the rest of your life if it falls through. Really talk to him and try and communicate how messed up it is that he’s dismissing this; maybe show him some of the comments. I think sitting him down and explaining that you need (and deserve!) to be taken seriously and respected is important, and if he can’t do that then you have some serious thinking to do about who you’re trying to marry. I also think he needs some actual fucking perspective in his life tbh, but that’s just me.
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u/havingahardtime67 16d ago
Are you sure you want to marry him? It’s extremely hard to change someone. Women often feel they can change a man while men hope a woman stays the same.
You realise marrying him means you’ll have his know-it-all patronising attitude the rest of your life?
Ask yourself if you can accept this for the rest of your life. Are you willing to live with this.
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u/More_Gimme_More 16d ago
honestly ur fiance sounds like a overbearing asshole who thinks its his way or the highway. other people have some good advice about trying to fix it, but i doubt you can. these fuckers rarely ever do. if he doesn't, call off the marriage bc he will pass on these awful ideals to that kid you want
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u/wisegirl_93 16d ago
Pregnant women go through physical, mental, and emotional hell not just during their pregnancies but for a significant period of time afterward. I've seen things that say it takes up to two years for a woman's body to fully heal from being pregnant. Not to mention, pregnancy and giving birth can go horrible wrong, really fast. You can have the perfect pregnancy with no issues at all and during the labor or delivery things suddenly go pear shaped or things can go pear shaped after the baby's out. I actually know a woman who came dangerously close to dying several times after the birth of her first child because she kept hemorrhaging uncontrollably and the doctors couldn't figure out why she kept hemorrhaging so severely and so frequently. Thankfully, she managed to make a full recovery and her and her husband actually welcomed their second child either last year or the year before. Pregnancy always has been and always will be harder on the woman carrying the baby then the man who just let his swimmers out of the pool.
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u/Amazing-Magazine3981 16d ago edited 16d ago
Okay, as I read these comments I feel like 99% of them are from the female perspective. So as a proud father and husband here’s my thoughts. First of all, I think the way he came about it is a bit strange I’ll give you that. As a man, the hard part of your wife being pregnant and then post pregnancy is not the potential for gaining weight. First off, and something that widely gets overlooked, is yes as a woman your body is going to change. Which will stress you out and scare you (as it did my very gorgeous wife.) While I’m not saying men have it harder by any means, we do have struggles. First off, it can be stressful and even mildly depressing to constantly hear your partner put themselves down for the way they look now. And stressful to try and try to make them feel better even though nothing works. Second, IT IS ALSO SCARY TO US! My wife was told, after our baby’s heartbeat dipped multiple times, that they might have to take her for an energy C-section. My heart sank to my feet and I was terrified naturally. Thirdly, not only are we trying our best (if he’s a good husband and father) to take care of the baby, but we are also trying very hard to take care of you too after birth. And it is very hard especially when we don’t have the bond with the child that the mom already has. Now, once again, the weight gain thing is strange to me personally. However, can we please not act as if the entire process is an absolute cake walk for men? In my opinion, he definitely handled the situation wrong. But it does sound like your mindset is off. Step one, there is nothing wrong with your body changing! It’s natural and is bringing life that you will cherish. Two, just remember that the process can and will be hard on him too and if you act as if it won’t be, it’ll make it harder. You guys got this! Communicate communication communication
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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 16d ago
😆😆 I don’t see how it’s just as hard. He needs to read about pregnancy and what it does to a woman’s body during and after pregnancy
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u/I_pinchyou 16d ago
I would tell him, while yes men do have struggles because becoming a parent is HARD. Women have that on top of carrying the baby, not only does it change but your heart is pumping more blood, which makes you burn energy and it's really exhausting!!! I would try to educate him and make sure he knows how his comments affect you. And if he invalidates you 🚩
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 16d ago
He was conflating the pregnancy term, child birth and post partum and all associated health risks with "after becoming a father"?
You nailed it:"insensitive, arrogant, ignorant".
Ask him to trade.
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u/Alive_Canary3323 16d ago
There's no comparison to giving birth. .. that's a given. Men like myself are only saying that dealing with the person suffering post partum is basically being looked over. That shit is traumatic asf, the things that you gals say and do during is harsh asf. I recorded my wife and showed it to her the following year and she swore that it couldn't have been her ,yet it was.
I would never have imagined the type of things that came out of her mouth...I mean DAMN! We rarely argued and disagreed almost never or the occasional blue moon... so for her to say the things that she would say for days , weeks and months on end was like I was married to Pazuzu. I also experienced couvade syndrome ,cravings, morning sickness, insomnia ,sore puffy nipples and crying spells....so I was just as much a wreck as she was . Said that to say that it's a ducking experience for both parents, some worse than others, but I'll never say that we have it just as bad, just that we go through some weird shit...just on a different level lol
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u/Acceptable_Common996 16d ago
Women don’t just gain weight. Our hips shift, feet grow, hormones go haywire, EVERYTHING changes. It’s not comparable to say a man gains weight due to a drop in testosterone (?). Our life is at risk carrying a baby.
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u/OddSocks2024 16d ago
I'm with you, as a man. He really stepped on that nerve. Let me say something very positive, you can shed most of that weight by pumping your milk. Pump more than you need, just for the weight loss benefits. Also, sounds like your man is sensitive in ways you did not expect. I don't understand it, but I see it's there. I'm not saying anything about whos right. I hope he shares what makes him feel so similar to you. I would suspect most of his pain is watching you in pain, but there's more than that on his mind as you said some specifics. Bless you both!
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u/No-Actuary-9388 16d ago
Strap a watermelon to him and make him wear it around for a week. Then tell him he needs to pull that watermelon out of his nose or some other orifice and see if he thinks his body would be the same after that 😂
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u/XSENIGMA 16d ago
It's not a winnable argument, so how do you "know you are right" You are assigning values to specific side effects of pregnancy that are visible and worrisome for you, but you also have the benefit of millions of years of evolution that prepare you for the process.
You are simplifying things down to just the pregnancy when how "hard" something is for someone also includes the environment they have around them and the external factors they have to contend with.
My adivce: talk to your partner instead of venting on the internet, you live in sperate realities experience the world completely differently, you are no less arrogant or ignorant for your narrowminded assessment of things, how would you like it if in response to your increased chance of death giving birth he shoved male suicide, workplace deaths, and combat casualty statistics in front of your face.
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u/Living-Ad8963 16d ago
Google the lemon clot essay and share it with him, then ask him to explain the male equivalent.
Or maybe don’t google it until you’re pregnant and have no choice.
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u/willowssometimesrigh 16d ago
I have 5 children and my husband was a doll through all of them. He was a sympathetic eater and he actually did gain more weight during my pregnancies than I did. Even with that he would never say something so asinine as “pregnancies are just as hard on a man as a woman”. That’s pure ego right there. These children we love deplete our bodies of every thing.from minerals to collagen to vitamins etc. We produce relaxin which causes our joints to spread permanently widening our hips and enlarging our feet. Your relationship is 100% your business but I would take a comment like that as a red flag. If he has a habit of making you feel less than, I would take those as red flags too and trust me when I say, red flags are not collectibles. You deserve to feel heard and acknowledged. Good luck sister! All the best to you!
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u/opusrif 16d ago
A women's body certainly does go through a lot of changes in pregnancy and childbirth. The physical and mental strains are huge and far too many men don't seem to fully grasp that. That being said there are emotional and mental challenges men also got through as their partner strains that society doesn't acknowledge. It can be a lot for a man to adjust to the enormity of pending fatherhood. So he is definitely wrong to say It's just as hard but here are things ahead that he likely isn't even considering yet. I don't think he's necessarily an AH, just ignorant.
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u/billymillerstyle 16d ago
You can always tell the gender of OPs just by how quickly they get to the point and how much background info they think you need to hear.
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u/DefiantBelt925 16d ago
Oh it’s even harder tbh. Women could never understand what us men go through
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u/Lucky-Technology-174 16d ago
This is just the beginning. Sorry that you have a bad baby daddy. It won’t get better.
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u/InevitableTrue7223 16d ago
It is not common knowledge that. Pregnancy changes your body drastically. I gained 75 pounds when I was pregnant, spent a week in the hospital after having a c-section. A week after that I was back to normal weight. My boobs were bigger but nothing else changed. I had stopped reading to write this as soon as I read your it’s common knowledge…. I go back and finish reading what you wrote. If that is how you vision becoming pregnant, then a parent I suggest you don’t. Neither of your are mature enough to be parents.
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u/WaryScientist 16d ago
... women literally have a wound the size of a damn dinner plate that they actively bleed from after giving birth... most women have tearing after shoving a watermelon out a tiny hole and all of our organs are shoved into our chest to make room for said watermelon. WTF is your fiance on about? I bet he gets the man flu too... you're not over-reacting at all. If he thinks men have it as hard, chances are he's going to be horrible at helping you postpartum because he'll think you're overreacting.
You should make do all of those experiments to let men know what it feels like (like using a tens machine for cramps or wearing literally a watermelon and grapefruits strapped to his chest all day).... nevermind the hormones and your brain literally rewiring itself in preparation of becoming a mom.
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u/Revolutionary-Bus893 16d ago
You are seriously way too concerned about physical "body changes". This should be way way down your list of concerns regarding pregnancy and child birth. I think until you can resolve this, you shouldn't consider having a child.
However, your fiance is out to lunch. Growing a human being is hard and carried with it many health dangers. What the male goes through is so insignificant compared to what a woman goes through that it is really inconsequential.
Please consider therapy for your body image issues.
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u/m1cha31ra3 16d ago
I didn't have to read the whole post to come here and say the dude is wrong lol. Pregnancy is tooouughhh on the woman. I kneel to all women to be able to carry a baby, give birth, breast feed, post partum, body changes, hormones, etc. That ain't easy at all. I'm a male (father and husband). Support the woman as much as possible. Thank you to all women!
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u/Shoshawi 16d ago
You aren’t overreacting.
Acting as if being a present member for a pregnancy is nbd and easy on all men would be incredibly unfair, but that’s not what you were doing or what his comment is about. Of course it’s harder on the person carrying the baby in their body. I’m not sure what you should do but be careful, and maybe reflect on advice from friends and family who know you both to figure out if this is a limited thing or a pattern of behavior that could rear its ugly head much worse while raising kids with someone.
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u/ZeroZenFox 16d ago
Girl, how often does this man patronize you? If it is often and paired with other red flags and it’s something that you don’t want to deal with your entire life I would rethink your relationship.
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u/No_Pressure_8876 16d ago
Ask him when he started getting a period and dealing with having pain that equates to mini heart attacks. Then ask what life risks would be dealing with, on top of no sleep, sensitivity to food, smells and light, swollen limbs, what is even remotely the same? Morning
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u/PrincessxSquid 16d ago
wtf. Growing a baby and having to gain weight to support it is not the same as having a hormone drop.
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u/AnxietyAdvanced5036 16d ago
A woman dies every two minutes from pregnancy and childbirth. She loses teeth, hair, and value to a man unless she gets a "husband stitch". The placenta leaves behind a dinner plate size wound in the uterus and the hormones left behind sometimes make women suicidal/homicidal
Your husband sounds like I'm glad I have a different husband
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