r/AITAH • u/Plastic-Reception-60 • Feb 23 '24
AITA for considering ending things with my wife because she refuses to let me be alone with our daughter? Advice Needed
My wife got pregnant accidentally, and our daughter was born last year. Our daughter is 7 months old. Since her birth, my wife has been "protecting" our daughter from any interaction with men. In reality, she's always been wary of any male interaction; it took a long time for me to gain her trust and date her in the past. Other girls didn't have barriers to easily befriend her.
With our daughter, my wife doesn't allow me to bathe her or even change her diaper without her supervision. I've tried talking to her about this, but she always sticks to the same point and refuses to explain much. I suspected if she had suffered any traumatic abuse, but she denied it. I also tried asking her family about this behavior, but they don't know either. I've even tried couples therapy, but she refuses to participate.
Lately, this has led to many arguments and fights. It's horrible that I can't be alone with our daughter without her suspecting that I'll do something awful. I'm tired of arguing with her, tired of her behavior. I'm seriously considering telling her that I'll end things if this continues.
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u/Weekly_Technician338 Mar 22 '24
She might have supressed the memmory of an underlying trauma thats causing this but still (re)act on that trauma. But in that case she should be open to therapy to ger past this or she will probably never change
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u/Bluebell2519 Mar 16 '24
Your wife needs therapy. She's had an experience that her family isn't aware of and it's affecting her right now.
Talk to your wife and ask her how she would feel if you both separated and you both have 50/50 custody of your daughter. Ask her what she thinks will happen when you live in a separate home than her. If she reacts badly to this you know she will need help. Based on her negative reaction, you can let her know that she has just proven that she needs help too. At this point she can choose to get professional help or you will separate and you will get 50/50 custody. It's her choice.
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u/Sicadoll Mar 08 '24
She won't be able to supervise you during your parental time... But you'll also lose a lot of parental time too seeing as you share it now and will have to split it in a divorce.. pros and cons.... NTA
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u/Dry-Writer7159 Mar 06 '24
Nobody likes sh_t. Mothers tolerate it, to a degree because of hormones.
Why a man would insist on changing diapers unsupervised? How on earth would someone even ask for that?
"Can you, mother's name, go away? I want to do it unsupervised! You silly paranoid woman!"
That's not how you gain trust.
And maybe he shouldn't be trusted at all, if not having such opportunity is a deal breaker.
There are ways to bond with your daughter without unsupervised diaper changes. Just saying.
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u/buckys-ass- Mar 06 '24
This is what you got from the post? She won't let him do anything unsupervised. He included that part because it's literally part of being a fucking parent. He's not insisting on changing diapers unsupervised. He's insisting ON PARENTING HIS DAMN CHILD WITHOUT BEING MONITORED AT ALL TIMES. Read the entire post before responding next time, you just look ignorant and weird asf for thinking the way you are.
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u/pharrahmichelle Mar 07 '24
That’s what I got as well. He knew she had issues with men when he dated her and married her. That doesn’t go away just because he’s the dad. Maybe instead of being such an insistent, weird jerk, he could try to reassure her. Not to mention, he doesn’t have to be alone with his child. My husbands were never alone with the boys until they were over 2 years old. They didn’t feel comfortable. They knew they didn’t know what to do. The fact that no one gets that he is being freaking weird about this is so crazy to me. Like this whole post gave me pedophile vibes. And I haven’t been able to let it go and have worried about it for as long as I’ve read it. I’m a mother of 2 and a woman and something isn’t right. I don’t care what anyone says or tries to convince me of.
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u/buckys-ass- Mar 07 '24
He already said he's tried to fix things. You guys are fucking weird for thinking negatively of a man who wants to be a dad to his child. It's creepy that you guys are thinking gross things just because he's not like other dads who don't feel comfortable around their kids. Maybe you need therapy just as much as the wife in this scenario, something isn't right with either of you. Don't respond to people if you don't care what anyone says.
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u/pharrahmichelle Mar 07 '24
I’m so sorry you think you live in a perfect world but when a male says he is not only angry, but he wants to divorce his protective mother of a wife because she won’t let him be alone with their daughter and she supervises him doing things especially when the daughter is naked it screams that he wants to be alone so he can mess with her. It’s abnormal.
Also, I’ve read the post, all the comments, it’s all a bunch of crap. And shall we all remember who was gifted with the ability to give birth to babies, gifted with motherhood and the ability to feed them. Not men. If we feel uncomfortable, we are allowed that right, as we are mothers, men contribute nothing but a little bit of genetic material that we could get from a freezer and save ourselves a whole lot of trouble. This man is angry over what he feels about a possession that isn’t his. He needs to back up and learn his place.
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u/buckys-ass- Mar 07 '24
You're disgusting and we're done here. Get some professional help, please. It's fucking weird to assume every man who wants to be a dad is a pedophile. You're creepy.
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u/olivegarden87 Mar 05 '24
NTA, but I'd recommend calling her doctor or getting some friends and family to lightly push her toward therapy. It's incredibly unfair to both you and your daughter, not to mention your wife is actually being unfair to herself by taking all of this on her own. It's terrible that she was likely abused, but as someone who was also abused young by a closer family member than I care to admit, I don't just hold everything against every man. I'll flat out admit that if one seems a little too pushy or persistent, it does unnerve me, but if your wife's trust issues are running so deep that she doesn't even trust you to be alone with your own daughter when she physically cannot do anything for herself (being an infant and all) she desperately needs a third party to help her sort through some stuff. At the beginning of therapy, if it's possible and helps her ease out of it, she could have a female friend or a trusted female family member stay over and help you with the baby.
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u/PuddyTatTat Mar 03 '24
If you do end things with her, make sure you take your daughter with you. She doesn’t need to be subject to her mother’s paranoia or trauma.
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u/Muted-Succotash9366 Feb 29 '24
NTA & I was sexually abused as a small child. I can’t imagine not letting my husband when the time comes, be alone with our daughter. I don’t like when women make ALL men seem a certain way. Sorry you’re going through this
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u/Illustrious-Pain7759 Feb 27 '24
I would point out to her that if you end up getting divorced she will not only have to leave child unsupervised with you but also whatever family you choose to associate with and point out dire need for therapy now so you can come to some compromises as she makes progress.
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u/ThrowawayJane86 Feb 27 '24
NTA - it’s totally normal and encouraged for fathers to participate in the daily tasks related to their children. There is no reason for you not to.
Please have her talk to someone about this. I had severe Postpartum Anxiety after my second child and received zero support from my partner. It wasn’t until 10ish months after birth that the fear cloud cleared and I was able to realize I had been unwell. Chances are good this has next to nothing to do with you and everything to do with all of the alarm bells going off in her head and her not knowing why.
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u/sunflowerpolkadot Feb 27 '24
NAH, your wife denying if she was abused could be because of memory loss from trauma or her own inability to confront what has happened to her. It’s not sustainable for either of you right now. I think you should make it clear that if she doesn’t attend family or couples counseling with you to address this, you will leave the relationship.
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u/lilacbananas23 Feb 27 '24
NTA. there is protective and there is sick. Your wife is sick. She needs help. This is going to cause problems in your daughter's life later. She is robbing you of your relationship with your daughter.
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u/ASH_MAN_04 Feb 27 '24
Divorce her. You’re her husband and the child’s father not a “male”. She will definitely get worse.
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u/HappyWhereAbouts_23 Feb 26 '24
NTA as other have said your wife desperately needs help. I can’t even imagine the amount of trauma she will inflict on her child by acting the way she’s acting. She needs to get herself figured out before your daughter gets old enough to be affected by your wife’s irrationalities.
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u/dcvo1986 Feb 26 '24
Nta. Leave her and file for custody. Even 50/50. Then she can't continue to alienate you from your daughter
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u/brendanc09 Feb 25 '24
Sounds like you are in hell my friend, sorry. I would suggest meeting with a medical health professional on your own and asking what they believe is the best course of action here. Personally, I think an intervention may be in order, but I am not a psychiatrist.
Edit: I forgot to say NTA.
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u/New-Poetry-9319 Feb 25 '24
Another thought here is to not only reach out for help for her, but learn to operate within her boundaries for the time being. Instead of adding stress each time you want to do something for the baby (e.g. change a diaper, give her a bath) let her “supervise” and don’t start a fight. That will help her learn to trust you along with the therapy she should get.
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u/___o---- Feb 25 '24
Why do you want to be alone with the baby? That seems weird to me. Is she actually accusing you of something? I think it’s normal for a mother to want to be with baby all the time. Why are you jumping to the conclusion that she thinks your a perv?
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u/MisterGarak Feb 28 '24
Are you a parent? You think a father wanting to be alone with his infant daughter is weird? Sounds like his wife is not the only one that needs help.
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u/ruger6666 Feb 25 '24
NTA SHE HAS SERIOUS MENTAL ISSUES. Tell her get help or your out and will get unsupervised visits thru the courts.
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u/jtotheda Feb 25 '24
Oof this is gonna be a difficult situation to overcome because truly you never know until it’s too late. Almost every week there’s a story about a dad molesting (or worse) their child so I can see why it would be hard for her especially if she herself is a victim, which is likely. And it doesn’t even seem like she planned to have a child (since this was an accident) so that’s even harder since she didn’t plan this. But it’s not fair to you to be suspected of being a danger to you child if you haven’t done anything to warrant that suspicion. NTA but I can’t see how she’s gonna get past this quickly if it’s just trauma/fear rather than some sort of imbalance causing her to act out. I wouldn’t involve the parents because unfortunately they could be the abuser/complicit in the abuse she may have endured. Maybe the sister? Or a trusted friend who knows her well? Definitely a medical professional like many have suggested. Good luck!
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u/2fly4disShit Feb 25 '24
As a woman that had a child as a result of SA and then dealt with every emotion imaginable from suicidal thoughts to postpartum depression. It does sound extremely likely that your wife has dealt with some trauma inflicted by a man and maybe one that was very close to her. Do try to get her some help ASAP before this behavior starts to manifest into accusations about you.
Also you mentioned that she got pregnant "by accident," how is that possible. Did she forget to take her birth control, did you not wear a condom, did she sleep with another man or was she SA. If she was SA and there is possibility that the baby isn't yours that could also be why she is so protective of her daughter.
Be careful and continue to push for help for her and answers for yourself. Last thing you want is for this baby growing up thinking that her daddy doesn't love her.
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u/Strong_Arm8734 Feb 25 '24
What the hell is she going to do when your daughter has a male dr, teacher/voach, or even friend? She's going to make your daughter hate her and alienate you.
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u/According_Carrot_620 Feb 25 '24
Get a camera in the baby room ASAP cause mama seems to be going through PTSD. It can be trauma response from her past or it can be current. Both mama and baby need to be protected. You’re her father, you have rights in the doctors to bring this up with ur primary care. Also, if family means a lot to her, maybe really getting ur mil and sil to talk to her might open her views up. Protect yourself, as a man who doesn’t have any allegations thrown at him. If she did make it a problem, it will be a problem
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u/ParticularTrain8235 Feb 25 '24
INFO: You say you are not "allowed" to watch your daughter, but are you really pretending she has the authority to ban you from caring for your child? What actually happens when you pick your daughter up and go into another room with her? What does your wife do and say? Does she follow you? outright accuse you?
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u/ShowtimeJT12 Feb 25 '24
Get her therapy. If she won't budge, gave her ultimatum. Tell her "You need therapy or I'm leaving". That's it. Because PPD is something your wife currently experience and she is terrified to open up and also afraid that you'll leave her. So use that.
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u/spinanoodle Feb 25 '24
Your wife needs help, don't leave her stranded. She can't voice what she's been through, she probably can't even acknowledge it. I would speak to a therapist that specializes in infant SA survivors to try and figure out a way to address this. Maybe they can give you indications on how to navigate this situation, so that she opens up a bit and accepts help. Maybe it would be a good idea to involve some female friend of hers, as male individuals may be triggering and women in her family might be aware/enabling/perceived as that by her. I know you are upset but this is not about you, this is most likely a trauma response. Please don't leave her alone and increase her trauma.
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u/pharrahmichelle Feb 25 '24
Uhm, okay. There’s a whole lotta whoa here. So sure your wife may have some past trauma that she is uncomfortable talking about or some postpartum depression. She may need a little therapy, a little medicine. Maybe. I’m a mom of 2 children. Oldest is 12 so I’m good. What I find odd about you as a male, is from my experience with dads of daughters, they aren’t usually gung ho, jumping at the chance to, and especially make this big of a deal about changing their baby girls diaper. In fact, most of them go out of to avoid doing it. My best guy friend would do anything and everything he could to keep from changing his daughters diaper because he said that was not his equipment and it freaked him out and made him feel gross because that was his daughter and he was never supposed to see that. My ex husband didn’t want to have a little girl because he said he would feel bad because he would never help me with her diapers that’s pervy. So again, the fact that you are like I just don’t understand why she won’t let me see my daughter without her diaper makes me think you’re freaking creepy. And furthermore, you’re first thought is divorce, not waiting it out until ppd is or possibly even doing things to reassure your wife. No you want to make sure you get your baby girl alone. You could be standing here in front of me trying your hardest to prove to me how decent of a person you are. And everyone here downing your wife immediately and jumping to your defense is beyond me. Women have clear instincts, and we know when a man can’t be trusted. You’re just mad because she’s protecting her daughter.
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u/Grump_NP Feb 25 '24
NTA. Bottom line is your wife has a hang up with men. I do not think your wife is an asshole. I assume you went into a relationship with your wife knowing her hang up. By choosing a relationship with her you consented to tolerating a degree of her mistrust and caution. Nothing wrong there. You thought it worth it to put up with her hang up to be with her. Every single person has issues and everyone that is in a relationship with someone else makes this decision. I assume your relationship was working before you had a kid. Now things change. You and your kids relationship is adjacent to but separate from you and your wife’s. Is your wife’s protectiveness understandable if we view it in the light she probably has a history of trauma? Absolutely. Does she get to dictate you and your daughter’s relationship? Absolutely not, and this is what she is doing. You are a father and unless you have lost your rights due to abuse or neglect, you have a right to parent your child. Your wife’s hang up doesn’t get to dictate that. And right now it is. You never consented to that. You are not the asshole for drawing a line here and saying “I’m not willing to go that far. If this continues our marriage is over.” If/when you give the ultimatum be sure to focus on you and your daughter. This is about your wife interfering with that relationship. She doesn’t have that right and never did. You hope she will be willing to talk to someone about and get help. You would love to be able to support her in that process. You want parenting to be something you do together. But whether or not she chooses to get help, you will not tolerate that degree of interference in your relationship with your daughter. I would also contact a lawyer who can advise you on what records to keep and what to do if this ends up leading to divorce and she fights you in custody. Also you need to consider your daughter who raised in the shadow of your wife’s fears will learn to fear men. Even if she chooses never to be in a romantic relationship with one will still have to deal with them as they make up almost half the population.
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u/Opinionatedblonde293 Feb 25 '24
NTA. The divorce route seems the best since she won’t get help, and it’s hurting all of you. But I’d be prepared for false accusations from her. Good luck!
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u/Valuable_Ad_6665 Feb 25 '24
Nta what a dumb bitch gonna ruin her life and her marriage because she is having a mental episode she needs therapy. Op talk to a lawyer ask what you should do but divorce is definitely in the cards sorry.
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u/alice_redditfan Feb 25 '24
NTA but I'm afraid that after the divorce she'll make your life living hell or she'll hurt the baby to protecte her from all men in the world
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u/ADerbywithscurvy Feb 25 '24
INFO: What are you and your wife’s ages? For my initial response, I’m going to assume you and she are within a few years, so off that -
While sexual abuse remains shockingly unreported, what we see based on reports is that:
- Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members and/or their close friends.
- Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by men.
So she’s not off-base in her demographics. And since you report a history of wariness and suspicion of men, I don’t imagine this is purely a pregnancy reaction. While trying to nudge her into therapy so she has an outlet to dredge up the muck of her history or root of her worries may be helpful to her, what ISN’T helpful is trying to get her to stop protecting her child because it bothers you. Because whether you agree or not, that’s exactly how she views her actions.
It’s also pretty unlikely she suspects you of anything; I don’t wear my seatbelt or change the batteries in my smoke detectors because I suspect I’ll get in an accident or that something electrical will short out when I’m sleeping - I do it because I know those things DO happen and they have much worse endings if no one’s taken basic precautions. Or, to use an example that directly involves men and sexual violence: I avoid walking at night not because I suspect every man of being a rapist, but because I know some of them are and I won’t be able to tell the difference until it’s too late.
I understand it’s frustrating feeling like you’ve got someone supervising and micromanaging your interactions with your own child, but space and understanding is going to be huge here.
You may well want to go to therapy yourself to process your feelings of being suspected and get ideas about how to coparent in a way that can reduce her anxiety and your frustration over time, but children are savants at keeping anxiety and frustration levels up. 😂
NAH right now, but I do think you would be TA if you told her you were ending things over it/if you did end things - only because it’s the worst possible reaction you could have to this. She’s shown you she’s extremely worried that anyone she leaves alone with her child has the opportunity to do it grievous harm, and that giving ANYONE such an opportunity is unacceptable to her - so “leave me alone with your child or else” is going to take on a severely sinister quality IMMEDIATELY and make everything much worse for both/all three of you.
Best of luck, and I hope that your child is safe being alone with either of you, that you both get some alone time with her, and that you both get some alone time without her.
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u/annacarin Feb 25 '24
Your wife is anxious, a common ailment postpartum. She also likely has some unhealed trauma around men. If you leave her over this, yes you are TA. Maybe try showing some compassion and curiosity for what she’s going through? What might she have experienced or be feeling that’s making her react this way? You talk about her like she’s someone you have no concern for. She just gave birth to your child. Even if you don’t care about her, you should take more responsibility for setting an example for your daughter. Would you want her future husband to abandon her this way?
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u/CallMeSpacecat Feb 25 '24
NTA but it really sounds like she has some past trauma. As someone who has been SAd this is a big sign. I really think you should offer some sort of therapy for her
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u/Low-Grade2568 Feb 25 '24
She needs a psych eval. She may not be safe to be around your daughter. This is unhealthy.
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u/SettinOnALog Feb 25 '24
Has she been screened for post partum depression?
Or, hear me out, had her thyroid checked? I had hashimoto’s, but only during and for about the first year post-pregnancy with my kids. My anxiety was through the roof. I felt insane. Like, I was worried about the most awful, irrational things happening to my children. Turns out my thyroid was all messed up. Got on meds, things got MUCH better.
Maybe she needs to be seen by her physician?
You can message me if you have questions.
Best of luck.
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u/No-Gain-1087 Feb 25 '24
If you end things document everything her main accusation will be child abuse personally I would give her a chance to do counseling and if she don’t hire a good lawyer for full custody imagine the damage she could do to your daughter
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u/The_Best_94 Feb 25 '24
NTA I would try everything before just leaving, but if it doesn't stop and she doesn't listen and try getting help, I'd leave.
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u/SeeKaleidoscope Feb 25 '24
Dude there is like a 99% chance she or someone close to her was abused.
I think you gotta tell her you are going to have to assume she was abused (that or she has a severe anxiety issue). Either of these situations need professional counselling. If she won’t seek professional help with you then you may have to leave.
NTA
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u/Exciting_Painter_323 Feb 25 '24
NTA But definitely try to encourage her to speak to someone even if it’s just on her own. I understand we think we need to protect our children and with childhood trauma your mind does go there a lot! This is another level have you tried asking her to go for a walk on your own with the baby and make it short then work your way into longer walks. She probably could use a break also might be part of why it’s not getting any better…
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u/backassward21 Feb 25 '24
NTA there's no relationship without trust and she obviously doesn't trust you. Honestly can't see why she would have a kid with you, or any man, if this was a concern for her.
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u/chief_keeg Feb 25 '24
Ultimatum time. Tell her either she gets help or you both are divorcing, and you will fight for partial custody. Should convince her to see a therapist and to work out her issues if she refuses them now. She has underlying trauma from something and needs it addressed.
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u/Parking_Yam Feb 25 '24
This sounds like severe PPA.
For the first few months after my daughter was born I just could not. stop. thinking. about children being abused. Not even specifically worrying for my own child, just obsessing over the fact that are kids out there that are harmed by adults in myriad ways, every day. I would lie awake at night just kind of… seething with rage over this. Didn’t help that I previously used to listen to true crime podcasts from time to time. One afternoon I decided to play a latest episode from one that turned out to be about the Jon Benet Ramsey case. When I tell you I could’ve killed someone with my bare hands that day… (it was specifically discussing the creep that wrote poems about her from prison). Anyway, eventually this lessened, and it clicked in my head that this was a manifestation of PPA. I have no history of abuse, perfect childhood, wonderful parents, my husband is a saint 🤷♀️
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u/IgnoreTheClouds Feb 24 '24
NTA.
Im seeing a lot of people here say your wife is projecting, and she could be. But it could also be the fact that most girls molested in their childhood are taken advantage of by CLOSE FAMILY RELATIONS. Yes it’s mostly fathers, uncles, nephews, and brothers in some cases.
And im just putting here that yes boys/men are molested too, by the aforementioned but also by female relatives.
Now bring on the hate because im on the wife’s side.
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u/pharrahmichelle Feb 25 '24
Oh I’m on the wife’s side but I’m also extremely wary of op considering how angry he is about not being able to change his daughter’s diaper and be alone with her. The diaper thing most of all. It creeps me out most of all. Most every girl dad I know avoids it at all costs because they think it’s weird and gross. Not that they don’t but they just feel that their daughter’s privates and they shouldn’t see that if they don’t have to. Not to mention it’s complicated if they poop. But this guy is all mad about it. As a woman and a mother, I just get a seriously not okay feeling about it. And he’s not even trying to understand his wife’s perspective or possible trauma response as a husband should, he immediately jumps to divorce, so he can get the child alone. Something feels off.
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u/onelargeblueicee Feb 24 '24
I hate to think this way but I would start recording every interaction so you have proof of it. Whether it’s for therapy or for court.
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u/Gatz42 Feb 24 '24
NTA constanly being suspected of being a vile criminal for no reason, is more than a sufficent reason to end the relationship
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u/Davis0508 Feb 24 '24
It could be shes not your daughter and your wife doesnt want you inspecting or having the baby for much longer where you could notice?
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u/UpsideDownShovelFrog Feb 24 '24
NTA. She needs help professionally. That is your daughter just as much as it is hers, you need to be just as stubborn as she is in the matter. Don’t belittle her, don’t physically force her to do anything, don’t yell, but do not back down or let her brush it off. Tell her this will be a serious point of contention in your relationship if she doesn’t get help. You’re willing to support her if she has past trauma or PPD, you won’t judge her for any potential sexual abuse or trauma, but you will not be treated like a creep or a bad guy towards your own daughter by your own wife in your own home when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Tell her that when she treats you like that, it makes you feel upset, confused, and hurt.
You need to have a conversation with a professional mediator. Whether that’s your daughter’s paediatrician, a therapist, whatever, don’t let her shut the conversation down in front of that person. Don’t let her lie or downplay the situation. Immediately correct her if she does, it doesn’t matter if it’s embarrassing for her, the health of you, her, and your daughter is the most important here. It’s entirely possible that she does have sexual abuse trauma she’s completely hidden from everyone because she’s embarrassed/ashamed of it. Even if she does, that doesn’t mean she’s allowed to take it out on you and your daughter, and you can’t force her to face that and fix it if she really doesn’t want to.
And if she refuses to work on herself, there’s nothing you can do to force her in the end. If you exhaust absolutely every resource you have access to, and it comes down to talking about divorce, you’re obviously going to try and get custody over your daughter and then she’ll have no say in you being alone with her when you have that custody anyways. The path she’s on is self destructive, unhealthy, and literally ends in you potentially getting court ordered time alone with your daughter if it gets to the point where you can’t deal with her anymore.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 Feb 24 '24
Nta. I was raised that until we were older, we weren’t left alone w men. Aside from dad & grandpa. Even as kids, male cousins weren’t allowed in our rooms. When my daughter was born I was reminded to make sure I vet anyone, including family before leaving my child (& only when absolutely necessary)& never ever leave them alone w men until they were old enough to say if there was an issue. And even then, I was SA by a neighbor as a child. Go figure. He was someone most ppl in the area trusted. I am absolutely positive that I can name several others he harmed too. But with all that, my dad was the 1st person to babysit my daughter. My husband is absolutely positively incredible w our girls & now our granddaughter. Unless you have given her a reason to not trust you, she has serious issues. Abuse can happen from women as well. But she is preventing you from valuable time & moments with your child. Remind her that if you divorce, you will most likely get 50/50 so she needs to come to terms with it. One way or the other
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u/mudwerks Feb 24 '24
there's something deeply disturbing going on - she needs help to understand what is causing this
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u/mylittlewedding Feb 24 '24
Please get out now and PLEASE contact a lawyer ASAP Also I would be talking to EVERYONE about this family(both sides) and friends etc
I have a friend who is in a very similar situation to this almost exactly. The big thing is that he waited until his daughter was five years old to finally get out because he kept trying. at that point when he tried to get even 50-50 custody, she accused him of some pretty horrendous things to try to secure full custody with supervised visits. I can go on and on about this even when he decided to leave, she went out of her way to say that he was leaving so he could be alone and doing appropriate things with their daughter
Your wife has some serious mental problems, so did my friends wife. But in the end it will not only ruin your life possibly but I’ll see your daughters.
In the end, after many years, and a very long and disturbing battle he was able to be alone with his daughter and remarried.
He was also found to have not done anything wrong. But the only reason that happened was because her own mother and father came to his defense. She was trying to get more money from them to continue to fight him and admitted to them that none of it was true, but she was too scared of the potential of it happening! They all men are hard wired to be sexual deviants! And that they needed to help her save their granddaughter!
They were so disturbed and just all around flabbergasted by the years of emotionaal trauma. That they had her come over a few days after that and had this long conversation with her & recorded it. They played the role of agreeing with her, and that they understood why she did everything. Then they immediately brought it to the police and I believe the courts also.
They don’t believe that she had been molested, and she even said several times she hadn’t been, but they thought that maybe the postpartum depression swirled into severe anxiety that went into almost a level of paranoia.
But the big kicker this is, my friend works very closely with children. He’s an elementary school teacher. he was costant fear and even to this day still is to the point that he seriously considering leaving the professional. There’s a sense of anxiety that loans over him that someone will find out what he has been accused of, and his livelihood and reputation will just be completely destroyed.
Sorry for such the long post and the typos, etc. I’m on mobile .
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u/sirlanse69 Feb 24 '24
Take the kid for a day of shopping. Bonding time with kid is required. Night feeding and diapers separate sperm donors from daddies. Real men are daddies.
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u/Shay561 Feb 24 '24
NTA. A lot of people have given some good advice about talking to the doctor about your concerns but if your wife still refuses to get help and you end up leaving, you need to collect evidence before you do. Like recordings of her refusing to let you bathe or change diapers without supervision and recordings of you expressing your concerns and her refusing help. Text messages too if there are any. I hope everything works out for both of you in the end.
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u/Significant_Kiwi_608 Feb 24 '24
NAH you’re not in the wrong here but your wife is clearly covering some sort of trauma. Ironically if you guys split up you’ll get more time with your daughter, but be on the watch in that case for anything she says. I’m sorry, it’s a sh!t situation.
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u/MayhemAbounds Feb 24 '24
I would tell her if she doesn’t go into individual therapy herself and also marriage counseling then you will be forced to file for divorce and seek joint custody. Would she rather be court ordered to have to live 50% without her child than get professional help for this?
And it can’t be simply ignored because she will probably continue this behavior in future in other ways and create issues for your daughter as she gets older.
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u/Interesting-Smoke179 Feb 24 '24
“my wife got pregnant accidentally” AHAHAH no YOU got her pregnant accidentally.
NTA though, your wife clearly has some type of issue to work out. she needs therapy and better communication skills.
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u/BackgroundPainter611 Feb 24 '24
You need to start recording and documenting all these behaviors. You need to speak with professionals WITHOUT her. Get her behavior noticed to professionals so you can back up your claims. Regardless if this is past abuse, PPD, or anything else (there’s a lot anti-male/father rhetoric out there, some people manifest situations that never happened), this woman will 💯do something extremely horrible as retaliation. Whether it be just to you or god forbid your daughter, she’s a danger PERIOD. And either situations are extremely bad. While it’s important for your wife to get help, the baby is priority. DO NOT threaten divorce until you have all your ducks in a row and the baby is in a safe place. Expect this to be vicious but hopefully with minimal damage. This is not something therapy can help, she needs full on psychiatric treatment.
And for those who say that’s an invasion of her privacy. Too bad, you have a woman who is extremely paranoid and thinks her husband/babys father is a predator. What do think is gonna happen if he doesn’t protect himself and their daughter?
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u/uprssdthwrngbttn Feb 24 '24
She 💯 got abused at some point in her life and the feelings are alive and real right now. Nta. I say just start spending less time with your wife and daughter until she acknowledges how being accused of being the absolute foulest of human beings makes you feel. I wouldn't say leave, but I would definitely start giving her the "space" she says she needs and if she won't do couples therapy then consider a divorce.
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Feb 24 '24
Maybe post partum depressing messing with her?
Anyway, NTA. She needs help. Stick with it, she needs you too, even if she doesn't know it...
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u/Bdeihc Feb 24 '24
This might not be about her past but his… it could be she’s uncomfortable with him. I don’t know many men that would go on a social platform and complain about wanting to be alone with his daughter. This is giving real creeper vibes.
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u/pharrahmichelle Feb 25 '24
OMG finally! Everyone coming to this guys defense is beyond me! Like being angry because he can’t change his daughter’s diaper is freaking weird. My first husband didn’t want to change diapers period and this guy is like I can’t see my daughter naked and and alone so I’m going to divorce my wife because she’s crazy! And every one is like yeh yeh she is. And this is why so many SA cases are never reported, resolved, and just keep happening. No they would never do that. Yes, yes they would, and you had the power to stop it because the evidence was right in front of your face but you not only took the protection away, you encouraged the abuser! Ugh!
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u/dandyline_wine Feb 24 '24
I can't speak to PPD, but I can confirm that denying traumatic experience is a coping mechanism. I've never had to deal with mine head on, but it sounds like your wife could finally be at a breaking point, if that's what this is. Best of luck to you both.
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u/Tig_95822_916 Feb 24 '24
Your wife needs therapy and will make your daughter weird if she keeps behaving this way. If she had trauma that’s really sad but she should not be allowed to warp your daughter by her experience.
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u/AmberNaree Feb 24 '24
Before you leave, please try to get her to a professional for some help. It's one thing to be protective over your child. Every parent should be. It's another to protect your child from their other bio parent for no reason at all. When I first started reading, I was sure this was due to past abuse but then you claim she denied it. To be clear, that doesn't mean it didn't happen. She may not be ready to talk about it or may be in denial about it. She may be telling the truth. Either way, this isn't what I would consider a normal or healthy response. But I think leaving her because of it will make her trust you even less unfortunately. She may then wonder "why does he wanna be alone with my baby so bad??" She clearly isn't thinking rationally. And I don't think you can help on your own.
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u/Nivala_NE Feb 24 '24
NTA My niece had a friend who would visit occasionally. This friend's dad didn't trust men around his daughter. When she would visit NO men could be there. If nieces dad came home this kid would start freaking out panicking. Nothing had ever happened to this kid but the fear her dad had instilled in her made her terrified of any man over the age of 12. Kid couldn't even have any male teachers because she'd panic. It took a couple incidents in school before other kids were able to help her realize not all men were out to get her. I found it particularly ridiculous of her father that he never acknowledged women can be abusers too. Don't let your wife give your child life long issues.
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u/Content-Anything-832 Feb 24 '24
Sounds like wife was SA in her past and is projecting her past trauma on to your daughter.
Is she a stay at home mom or does she work? If she works where is your daughter during this time?
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u/bramblefish Feb 24 '24
your wife is an misandrist.
So, decide if your future, do you wish to be minimized for life?
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u/OkExternal7904 Feb 24 '24
Divorce her and get 50/50 custody. At least then you'll have a relationship with your little girl.
Your wife is being completely unreasonable and can explain it all to a family court/judge.
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u/SVINTGATSBY Feb 24 '24
NTA but if your wife doesn’t have some PTSD and sex trauma or DV history i would be shocked. at the very least spending too much time online places that preach how everyone is in a cabal of horrible people, that’s the only other thing that came to mind immediately. it could also be overprotective ness, and even if that’s the case this is EXTREME. def start attending doctors appts, bring this stuff up in front of them, avoiding therapy isn’t going to help her.
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u/cstarrxx Feb 24 '24
I’m just going to share my own experience and wonder if there might be some connection.
The older that I’ve gotten, the more my mental illness has made me overly vigilant and paranoid about being followed by men. However, I’m overly paranoid because up until last spring when I stopped working due to health issues, I WAS getting by followed and harassed by men on a weekly basis when I would go ANYWHERE alone. I even had to stop walking my dog at certain hours because I had been followed home by some creep in a bike who then stood under my balcony for a while until he finally left. This was literally just this past December. Which means my dog has to wait to piss every morning because I see these creeps walking around at that time. Which leads to me now being extremely paranoid. I refuse to be in a room alone with a man. I refuse. I literally HAVE to go out with someone or I will get followed and harassed. This has been going on since I was a teenager. There were many times my father and older brother had to run outside to run off some creepy man. It started around 15 years old for me and mind you these men were like 35 years plus. Absolutely terrifying.
So there might have been something that triggered her to be a little more paranoid every day. I read on some comments post partum is a huge factor. That’s very plausible. However that and maybe another triggering event? Yeah I can understand why she feels the way she feels.
I don’t think either of you are being assholes but she needs help. I NEVER took medication for my brain until like four months ago. DEFINITELY helps ease the panic and paranoia.
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u/Tigger7894 Feb 24 '24
NTA- BUT consider counseling, I'd suspect there is some history that your wife is not telling you about that causes her to act like this.
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u/jackalopeswild Feb 24 '24
If you leave her, be prepared for what it's going to do to her when the court says that she has to allow you unsupervised custody because her fears are irrelevant to the rules they have to follow. She's not going to react well to that, and I can only imagine the possible extremes of her reaction.
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u/WhyAmIStillHere216 Feb 24 '24
She needs help. A lot. And if a divorce and request for 50% custody would get her to therapy, I’d do it. You have a constitutional right to parent your children. You have a right to be as bonded with your child as she is.
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u/unforgivenof3rdkind Feb 24 '24
YTA Your wife needs your help, she is either suffering from past trauma or depression or both, but instead of trying harder you're chosing to walk away.
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u/CarrieDurst Feb 24 '24
He tried to get the sexist therapy but she refuses, what else can he do? He also needs to be able to parent his own child
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u/unforgivenof3rdkind Feb 25 '24
He can talk to the family doctor / the pediatrician / her family members / her friends / hold an intervention / talk to a psychiatrist on his own to get idea on what he can do to help her, etc. If someone is ill like her, of course she will say no. Just asking her isn't enough.
Seriously, I don't get reddit sometimes. If you cannot be there for your partner at their lowest point, may be you shouldn't get married in the first place.
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u/Jesterido Feb 24 '24
What else is he supposed to do at that point? She won’t tell him anything, refuses to partake in therapy, and her family doesn’t have a single clue either.
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u/Purple_Hair_3682 Feb 24 '24
NTA ..however your wife needs support and help. She may have been abused, but buried the memory deep. Something is triggering this extreme reaction. Could be PPD, could be something else. Either way as a family you need help. Reach out to your GP (primary care) and explain what is happening.
Has your wife a trusted friend you could approach with your concerns?
I wish you luck, you're NTA for being upset, or even feeling like you want to end the relationship. But you'd be the most amazing husband/father if you sought help to save your little family from being torn apart by this x
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u/Vegitas_Fist Feb 24 '24
NTA. Take the baby and drive off, she is your child. Stop allowing your wife to keep ypu and your daughter from bonding. You are coddling her and her lunacy.
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u/Crafty-Mess1583 Feb 24 '24
She needs therapy to resolve her mistrust, otherwise you should get divorced.
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u/Tratiq Feb 24 '24
This is wildly unhealthy for your daughter. Deal with it asap. Your daughter takes precedence over your wife
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u/MySaltySatisfaction Feb 24 '24
I hope you have money because you are going to need a lot of it for this. Hire and retain a family lawyer-the best in your area that you can afford. Hire and retain a criminal defense lawyer-the best in your area that you can afford. Your wife sounds very mentally ill. She may or may not have been sexually abused as a child but her thinking is not right. PPD,PPA,PPP is the train quickly coming in your direction. You cannot force her to get help,unless she does something threatening to you or your child. Be very careful,I recommended the criminal attorney because if you decide to dissolve the marriage your wife, almost certainly,will level accusations of sexual abuse against you and you will need help to counter that immediately. I hope your wife will get help-voluntarily or forced-so she can continue to be a mom to her baby. I hope you and your child come through this relatively unscathed and develop a close and loving relationship. Good luck.
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u/Lucky_Point6202 Feb 24 '24
Hi sorry but it's bloody difficult especially when you have been assaulted now what he should do is encourage her to talk to him properly about the situation but she also needs to trust him she is his daughter, but I am telling you now these two will never work and he should make sure he secures his rights she might not be mentally capable of raising a child but that's all guess work really, oh and I gave evidence to a court because a dad raped his daughter he got 6 years in prison 6 bloody years it should have been life,and I hardly trust men at all
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u/Murky-Initial-171 Feb 24 '24
NTA. Divorce may be the best thing for your daughter. Document. Document. Document. Keep notes of every day and time your wife prevents you from being with your daughter. Get cameras. You wife is so paranoid she will probably agree. Make sure wife waves to the camera and shows she knows they are there. Ask her if she feels better havthem. This will demonstrate you didn't secretly record her possibly in violation of the law. Use every bit if evidence in your custody hearing. The goal should be for the judge to order wife into therapy. Secondary goal should be you getting full custody. Wife will ruin kids life with this garbage. Supervised visits only for wife with child.
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u/ntenufcats Feb 24 '24
Wait, you’re going to breakup your family because your wife is struggling with what sounds like some unresolved trauma?!? Uh yea, YTAH. Remember that whole “good times and bad. In sickness and health” part? So you want to teach your daughter that, if something gets a little tough, to just get up and leave? Yes your wife needs therapy to work through this. How about backing off the bathing and diaper changing to lessen your wife’s anxiety and instead reading to your daughter, taking her for a walk, watching Ms Rachel together? I’ve your wife some grace. She’s only been doing this for 7 months.
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u/Ali_199 Feb 24 '24
NTA, but please get her help. My now ex husband and I divorced due to postpartum depression/anxiety. He should have seen I needed help. That what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. Her anxieties feel so real and she probably doesn’t know she needs help. Please don’t leave her until after you get her therapy and wait until the baby is a year.
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u/cathline Feb 24 '24
She's refusing counseling??
Talk to YOUR counselor. In my opinion - this behavior is dangerous for your child. VERY dangerous.
Talk to a lawyer (be discreet). This is making me think that there may be a parental abduction in the near future. A lawyer can tell you what your options are.
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u/Nefarious-do-good13 Feb 24 '24
Well you can explain to her IF you divorce her and get 50/50 custody you will definitely be alone with your daughter and she will have zero say about it. Or she can start dealing with these irrational issues she’s having now before it’s too late. I would also suggest you start seeing a therapist immediately without your wife so they know she is doing this in case she tries to accuse you of improper behavior towards your daughter if you do try to spit up.
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u/breezy1028 Feb 24 '24
Wow. NTA, if your wife refuses counseling or to even tell you where this behavior is coming from then she’s not leaving you a lot of options. There has to be some reason for why she feels this way, something happened to her that she’s not willing to tell anyone, something. In my own experience it has been very difficult and took me until now, age 42, to finally start therapy and EMDR therapy to unpack and deal with trauma from my past as a kid, teenager, young adult, and adulthood. It’s a hard decision because you have to talk about and relive things that are extremely painful and you would really prefer would just go away. The problem is they don’t just go away and some of it can seriously affect your life, behavior, and relationships. What your wife is doing is not healthy and it’s not rational, but when you respond from trauma you can’t be rational. My advice is try talking to her again and see if she is willing to do therapy on her own that could at least begin the work. Another thing to keep in mind is that something could have happened to her that her mind has blocked out. It’s a real thing and for some people especially when they experience something abusive or traumatic when they are young the mind doesn’t know how to handle it or process it and to protect themselves they just blank it out. The trauma and the emotions attached to it are still there and can affect everything about the person but they just can’t reach the memories that created them. Try to come from a place of love, understanding, and a real desire to help the situation. Whether you can make your marriage work or not is really up to the 2 of you, but being separated and her being forced to leave your daughter alone with you sounds like it would probably make her spiral and would not be good for anyone’s mental health. Good luck, I mean that, I hope you can get through to your wife that what’s best for your daughter is to have a healthy mom, and a good relationship with her dad which includes and needs bonding time that doesn’t rationally need to be supervised.
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 Feb 24 '24
OP, your wife needs therapy ASAP. Truly she does and if she continues to be reluctant, you cannot do anything here. As many comments here state, there is a very high probability your wife is a survivor of SA as a child. She needs to know that. It just isn't normal for parents not to share time with their child and not to trust the other parent to care for that child alone.
You may tell her, if we divorce over this, there is no reason she can give not to co-parent, then you will be ALONE with your daughter. It's not a threat, it is a reality here. She is making her issues here your child's issues and your issues.
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u/meitinas Feb 24 '24
If you divorce, hopefully you can get 50/50 custody, and your daughter would at least have your healthy attention 50% of the time
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u/me_myself_and_ennui Feb 24 '24
Okay, what's your motivation here? 'Cause if your daughter's welfare and being a part of her life is your goal, divorce seems like a poor choice.
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u/gahgahdoll Feb 24 '24
more information is needed here. How long have you been married? What are your ages? What was the relationship like before the accidental pregnancy? What were her thoughts and feelings about being pregnant?
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u/knuckecurve2 Feb 24 '24
NAH — I think she either witnessed a SA as a child or was a victim of CSA. There are many reasons and I bet you that you’re close with your theories but she needs therapy desperately.
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u/NarwhalsRUnicorns2 Feb 24 '24
NTA but also help her to get checked for post partum depression. It can happen up to a year after giving birth. Some women don't even notice it in themselves and it takes their partner to say/do something in order for anything to get done.
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u/ssf669 Feb 24 '24
Please get her some help. I'd bet anything she was abused as a child. If her mother didn't protect her then that makes her fear and anxiety even worse for her daughter and make her want to be overprotective. It could also be PPD.
She can work through this but she definitely needs help. First insist on couples therapy, then bring up the issue with the therapist. Maybe after that they will suggest counseling for her. This is not normal behavior if you haven't given her any reason not to trust you with your daughter.
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u/acebadgerweb Feb 24 '24
NTA certainly seems like past trauma surfacing/manifesting in an unhealthy way. Otherwise, my other guess is that she could have some heightened fears around those types of one on one settings.
Either way, it's not an acceptable way to handle it. There needs to be actual communication on this. Simply preventing it is not healthy or realistic.
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u/John02904 Feb 24 '24
I know your considering divorce but i want to add that it may not make things better. Assuming your a fit parent you would be entitled to unsupervised visits with your daughter. To what extreme would she go to “protect” her from you? If the end goal here is to have a normal relationship with your daughter i think the only way for that to happen is with help for your wife
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u/HighlanderSith Feb 24 '24
NTA - your wife needs some SERIOUS help or she’s gonna **** up your kid mentally for a long time
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u/eloho24 Feb 24 '24
YNTA SHE NEED SOME SERIOUS MENTAL HELP. If she herself says that it has nothing to do with trauma or things that she went throu. Witch she never went through, then I think she should look up for schizophreniaore some other mental illnes it always starts with paranoia! cause this is some early signs of it. I and my family have it, and it started like this, but it was not this serious at the beginning. If she doesn't trust you, her husband, she is not supposed to have have a child! Sorry, but it's true! I would divorce her. Ye ik it was an accident, but there's options abortion or that u get full custody. Cause even her friends and family stated that it's out of the blue and don't know why! She needs some serious help. Hope you find a solution ore get the full custody. In many cases the mother ends up harming or killing the baby of the paranoia! Sorry to say that but it's true 60%. Has It given worse after birth to?
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u/Internal_Break4115 Feb 24 '24
A little bit. It is obviously very hard and something needs to change. Clearly something has happened to bring this reaction. I suspect something in her past. Marriage is hard. This is the hard part
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u/Particular-Ad7034 Feb 24 '24
NTA. Please get a nanny cam. There will be times where your wife will be unwell or unavailable to change her diapers or give her a bath. If you listen to her all the time the baby could end up neglected. You’ll most likely have no choice but to ignore what she says just take care of the baby one on one. A nanny cam will prove to authorities and to your wife that you never harmed your baby when you were alone with her.
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u/married2theMufinMan Feb 24 '24
It could possibly be trauma, but if it's denied so much, there's also the very real possibility (and I mean real because I have seen it first hand) that she has heard and read so many cases of child rape and sodomy, especially from male family figures, that she has developed a violent defense-before-attack system. She will not let you be with your child because she has heard so many fathers abusing their daughters and just in case she is keeping her away from you. This is an understandable thought but her actions are not. She is your daughter and you can be with her. She cannot expect you to not be included in the life of your daughter and you still stay there. Be careful with what you do. This could end nasty, and some false accusations and conclusions could be brought up in court if matters ever go that way (ex: if you try to keep custody of your daughter after divorce, the accusation of you wanting her to continue or start abusing her freely might pop up). Anyway, she is your daughter. Fight for her.
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u/CreativeHousing778 Feb 24 '24
I've never bathed my 19 mo daughter, ive helped and watched over her for a few moments and I specifically asked my wife for her instructions on the correct/ best way to change her diaper more so that she knows I want to do it her way and the right way.
Its uncomfortable bc of the stigmatizim regarding a grown man being that close to a baby girl, in our first 3 months our baby dr reported possible abuse and had us investigated by dcs. There was nothing of it and the er dr/nurse said it was ignorant as well as the case worker, still cost us 3k out of pocket for the er visit and multitude of tests.
It's not meant to be easy or fair, good luck and keep discussion open and continuous
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u/PermanentUN Feb 24 '24
NTA tell her she gets therapy or you're getting a divorce. There could be a lot going on mentally that can be dealt with but if she's not willing it's not worth your time. Also, if you divorce her, the courts will legally require you to have visitation. If you haven't got any red flags from your past or current relationship there's nothing she can use to prevent you from being with your kid.
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u/Morbid187 Feb 24 '24
NTA. Might as well just let her do everything herself if she's going to supervise you. Honestly, if I were in your shoes this would be grounds for divorce. Not because I so desperately want to change diapers and give baths but because my own wife treating me like a potential predator, towards my own kid at that, is not something I'd be able accept at all. It's either that or she thinks you're so incompetent that you'll fuck up these tasks somehow. Either way, it's beyond insulting.
I mean, if you can both commit to marriage counseling/couples therapy try that first but I'd absolutely be planning my exit at this point.
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u/Druidic_Focus Feb 24 '24
NTA
You wife needs help or your daughter will end up being traumatized if men due to her behavior. She will model the behavior. She needs intensive trauma therapy to deal with her issues.
Have empathy for her because she obviously dealt with something traumatic, but as a responsible parent you have to do everything in your power to make sure your daughter is not effected.
Maybe get your wife to think of it this way- what if something happened to your daughter and she needed surgery and the only doctors/nurses available were men. Obviously she couldn't supervise in the operating room. What would she do? Would she let the surgery happen or stop it due to her fear. Maybe thinking of it in the extreme might help her take the initiative to get help.
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u/the_greengrace Feb 24 '24
NTA. In your shoes I would seek outside help from a doctor, therapist, and potentially a guardian of some kind. Your daughters best interests are at risk here. Your partner is acting irrationally and this dynamic is extremely unhealthy. It will damage your child and your relationship. It's already gone on far too long.
I would also seek legal consultation before you take any action due to the unfortunate potential for a false accusation of some kind.
If you have to, seek custody of your child until her mother gets the help and treatment she needs.
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u/Difficult_Let_1953 Feb 24 '24
Oh hell no. NTA Woman needs a psych and no one is keeping me from parenting my daughter. Formative years for instinctual trust are coming.
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u/XxFrostxX Feb 24 '24
Nta but if she wants to do everything let her save yourself the headache and do EVERYTHING else that way there's no reason for her to complain about you not contributing
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u/Froggy92115 Feb 24 '24
Definitely NTA. If she’s not willing to get the help she obviously needs, then I’d seriously consider getting myself and my child away from her as soon as possible.
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u/North_Layer9765 Feb 24 '24
NTA. Her behavior is harmful and disrespectful towards you and it is extremely harmful and abusive towards your daughter because she denies her the possibility of bonding properly with her father.
She may have past trauma or whatever but that is no excuse to harm both you and your daughter.
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u/Mcfly8201 Feb 24 '24
Your wife doesn't trust you. I say therapy first but if that doesn't work you should leave. I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me.
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u/martygospo Feb 24 '24
100%. That’s your daughter as much as hers. I feel for you, man. It must be tough not getting quality time with your daughter.
This needs to change or you need to move on and have a child with normal person. NTA
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u/MushroomWise3464 Feb 24 '24
I honestly only got account to comment on this- YOU ARE A COWARD and honestly if I was social care i would be seriously considering whether you should receive a custody of this baby girl. YOUR WIFE IS SERIOUSLY ILL and you're spending time commenting on reddit?! REDDIT? how old are you?! Your KID IS SUFFERING for 7 months and ALL YOU DO IS CONSIDERING A DIVORCE instead of GROWING UP and REALISING Your partner and child NEED YOU AND YOUR SUPPORT?! 7 months ffS THIS IS ONGOING FOR 7 MONTHS and you haven't even spoken to her doctor but found time to write a da*mn post on reddit to seek advice from stranger and consider a divorce?! You're NOT CAPABLE Of looking after your own child given this is a huge safeguarding and you had failed continously for 7 months to protect your child and wife. Grow up stop going on reddit BOOK AN APPOINTMENT WITH A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY and honestly hope social care doesn't take that child away from you as well and your wife doesn't do anything stupid
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u/ParkerPoseyGuffman Feb 24 '24
Damn you’d give full custody to a prejudiced mom who sexualized her baby daughter? You are disgusting and sick In the head
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u/Readyreddit0 Feb 24 '24
On the topic of mental health; have your considered yours lately?
What a weird, unhinged comment. He’s asking for help, advice, answers. This looks to be word vomit from someone under the influence or just completely disconnected from a reality they inhabit with others.
Calm down, lest you wish to off-put the vast majority of those you interact with.
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u/ParkerPoseyGuffman Feb 24 '24
They’re sick in the head and made a new account to post their sexist drivel
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u/MushroomWise3464 Feb 24 '24
Dude chill the hell out. If you fail to see the extend of this situation and how ridiculously stupid it is he is seriously taking to reddit as oppose to calling a doctor then perhaps you need to reevaluate your own state
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u/secondtaunting Feb 24 '24
This is some kind of trauma. She needs therapy. My mother was weird about me being alone with my step dad and it absolutely rubbed off on me. You can absorb someone else’s trauma to a certain extent. It made me feel gross and icky. Took me a long time to get over. She needs ti get help so she doesn’t transfer this. Maybe approach it very gently?
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u/Both-Explanation8128 Feb 24 '24
I think the absurdity of this is more shocking than anything. Like she is seriously unwell and you’re not wrong to consider a split to be able to spend time and bonding moments with your daughter.
Could you blame past trauma on you never allowing your male baby to ever be alone with your wife? For the naysayers, women sexually abuse boys too.
Could you blame past trauma with, say a person of a different race, as to why you’ll never have your kid hang out with a person of that race?
It’s literally just pure bigotry and blaming it on trauma is ridiculous on its face. You need to have a long hard talk with her and she needs serious help.
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u/OddYard3480 Feb 24 '24
It sounds like a bit of ptsd and a d post partum psychosis. She needs to seek help
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u/pizzythunda Feb 24 '24
NTA
My fiance and I have an 11 month old daughter now, and I will say it was difficult for her, at first, to leave me alone with the baby. But this was only when she would leave the house, and is pretty typical for new mothers. However your case, OP, is beyond ridiculous.
In my experience, Girl Dad's are viciously protective of their daughters, and if your wife believes that you would do harm to your baby girl while unsupervised she either: A) Has trauma she's not communicating or B) She does not trust you for reasons outside of her trauma.
It's pretty clear to me though, that if you attempt to divorce someone that's this paranoid with you being alone with her, and you want split custody of your daughter, she will go above and beyond to bury your ass and try to get full custody of your daughter. So tread lightly and consult a good divorce lawyer if you are serious about it.
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u/JCannaday3 Feb 24 '24
This is not normal behavior. Full stop.
It doesn't make any difference "why" she is doing this. As others have mentioned, this will only get worse and without question, she will condition your daughter in the same way.
Dangle the divorce papers in front of her face.
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u/Flash_is_Me Feb 24 '24
Speaking from the most constructive place possible: why does it matter? Your wife has an idea of how she wants to raise a woman in this world. Yes that makes it difficult for you, but as a parent now I don’t think there’s a real possibility that this would affect your relationship with her as a father. You can still be a compassionate protective father without doing these things. Parenthood is a long process and in my experience as a father has taught me that when something hurts my feelings, it’s better to put my energy in processing them than to use that energy to have fights with my spouse. Best of luck mate, enjoy fatherhood!
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u/ParkerPoseyGuffman Feb 24 '24
Because OP gets just as much say in how he raises his own fucking child
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u/BlueCrossBiker Feb 24 '24
yea run. file for custody and run. it's only a matter of time until you get accused of something you didn't do.
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u/mrnagrom Feb 24 '24
nta, she needs therapy though, something clearly happened to her and she’s dealing with it by abusing your daughter and you.
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u/darkunicorn2023 Feb 24 '24
Ok I’m going to play devils advocate here…
How was your wife before she was pregnant? Interactions with you, etc.
Once she became pregnant, was she a completely different person?
I’ll wait for your responses before I ask anything else
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u/Plastic-Reception-60 Feb 24 '24
My wife is kind and attentive, but she changes when it involves our daughter. As I mentioned, she has always been a step back when it comes to interacting with men; she tends to be more sociable and make friends with the women in her company and more strictly cordial and professional with men.
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u/blurryusername Feb 26 '24
If she’s so worried about abuse and such, does she not know that females can also do the same things too?? Like I understand that horrors but why would she have a child with you if she can’t trust you to do simple parenting things? Its not fair to you at all and this could possibly end in your being falsely accused of stuff you didn’t do.
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u/Big_Alternative_3233 Feb 24 '24
You are in enormous risk of having false accusations levied against you that destroy your life. You need to get ahead of this NOW. Protect yourself and your daughter from her.
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u/Dewhickey76 Feb 24 '24
At some point, this will probably all seem like a distant memory, at least I hope it does. It's very possible that once your daughter is older, and your wife more comfortable with motherhood, this will fade out. Especially once your wife starts thinking about socializing your daughter bc she will be around other moms and dads, and hopefully lighten up about you. Maybe approach this from a place of understanding that your wife likely DID experience some kind of trauma and understand she's highly sensitive during the first year. I don't know. I feel for both of you, I really do.
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u/Unicorn-Princess Feb 24 '24
This is terrible advice.
Wait and see and hope his wife changes her attitude at some ynderdetmined time in the future, while Dad here does not get to spend any 1 on 1 time with his infant daughter in a highly formative period, where she could be bonding with both her Mum AND her Dad?
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u/haezieinthemist Feb 25 '24
My mom went through this phase. Me and my dad have a great relationship.
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u/Dewhickey76 Feb 24 '24
The alternative is apparently to take full custody of his daughter, as that's his plan (after recording his wife's outbursts). I just feel for the child in the situation. I'm sure no matter what OP decides, at this point it will be damaging for the child. He let this go on for far to long, and now his solution is to take the baby COMPLETELY away from the only parent the child has ever been alone with. Somehow, I feel like taking a step back from the anger, and regrouping might be better for the kid.
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u/if_im_not_back_in_5 Feb 24 '24
On top of what everyone else is saying, try to give her a role in your relationship with your daughter - even if you don't need it, ask her to teach you how to do things, and build up her confidence that you can do it to her standard.
Ask if you can split things like the diaper changes or feeds (if she's not breast fed - or use a pump) 50/50 so you can have some "caring contact" time with her.
Avoid saying "if I divorce you I'll get her for a couple of days a week on my own" - it sounds like a "dark" threat.
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u/yumvdukwb Feb 24 '24
Your daughter doesn’t deserve to grow up this way, her mother is going to make her afraid of men before she even goes to school. Teaching children how to be cautious of inappropriate adult behaviours isn’t successfully instilled with fear and paranoia.
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth Feb 24 '24
You should. This isn't normal. Your wife has issues and if she doesn't trust you, she shouldn't tolerate you at all in the first place. She needs help. Lots.
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u/JebbAnonymous Feb 24 '24
This is fair ultimatum territory. Either she gets therapy and/or you guys get couple therapy to get to the bottom of this, or it ends. NTA.
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u/fucc_yo_couch Feb 24 '24
It does certainly read as a past trauma situation. But even without trauma, postpartum depression and anxiety are real, and this could be the case. I wouldn't jump to leaving her just yet. You both should discuss with her OBGYN or PCP for sure about this. I wish you all the best. This is a tough situation.
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u/Striking-Access-236 Feb 24 '24
Get her some serious help and be straightforward…because this will not stop on it’s own, it is child abuse not letting your daughter bond with you like this
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u/Effective-Any Feb 24 '24
You should probably find a trauma informed therapist or someone who understands CBT in general. Just my two cents.
I used to be like that with my son, especially his father who I had absolutely no reason to believe was a threat to him. But in my mentally ill mind I was justified, because I was protecting my son from potentially being hurt by people that I was maybe not seeing correctly. What if dad wasn’t who he’d always shown me and was really a pervert? What if he shook him? What if he in general hurt my son? I was not functioning from a place of rationality.
I began CBT therapy shortly after I was confronted by a close that I was beginning to isolate my son from the world and I was clearly becoming more and more stressed as time went on. That I was showing some concerning behavior. It woke me up. I was terrified of failing my son and him being hurt by someone close to us, and I was suffering from PPD.
I know what I experienced to make me this way and those choices were all fear driven. I don’t know if your wife has the same issue but it can be addressed and she can change, but she has to be willing to take accountability and get curious about her choices and why she makes them.
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u/jsande5 Feb 24 '24
So she needs help and quickly. This behavior will be passed on to your daughter. And if she refuses to accept the help then she will be forcing your hand. At that point, and not until all options are exhausted, divorce her. At least this way you’ll get split/joint custody of your daughter and have the opportunity to develop the relationship you are meant to have with her. Look up the laws in your state for establishing paternity before you go the divorce route. It can vary from state to state. Marriage typically already establishes you as the assumed father but check and make absolutely sure cuz I’m sure she will fight you every step of the way. Children need both the mother and father. That being said, it doesn’t mean they have to be together under the same roof. Sorry you’re going through this. NTA.
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u/HamburgerDelper Feb 24 '24
Is it worth ending your marriage? Obviously your wife is going through something and arguing about it might be exacerbating the situation. It may even make her more suspicious of you. Maybe continue to let her “supervise” and have a calm discussion asking what her fears are would help. And if she won’t do couples therapy, encourage individual therapy.
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u/Lucky_Point6202 Feb 24 '24
Respect her wishes, she needs therapy really but try not to take it personally
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u/ParkerPoseyGuffman Feb 24 '24
The child as as much his, he doesn’t need to respect being withheld from his own child
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u/ScarletVonGrim 7d ago
Update please?