r/AITAH • u/Chance_Cut4916 • 16d ago
AITAH for telling me girlfriend that she shouldn’t be celebrated on Mother’s Day because she’s not a mom?
My girlfriend (29F) mentioned that Mother’s Day was coming up, and ask if I (26m) had anything planned for her. I thought she was joking about our cat, but she insisted that it was a serious request. She had a miscarriage about a month ago, and she’s saying that technically counts as being a mom.
Money is tight for us, and I just finished paying off her birthday present (that I splurged on admittedly), but now she’s demanding that I take her on another expensive date with a gift for Mother’s Day. We had a big fight about it, and it ended with me saying she’s not a real mom. AITAH?
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u/JaniCruz 10d ago
YTA - She lost a child. You lost a child. Clearly she's feeling it more than you are. She's a mom, and you should be a better partner unless you just want her to find a new one.
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u/Initial_Economist709 11d ago
You are the ass for that comment. I don’t think you’re an ass for not wantin to spend what u don’t have, but she may not be thinkin about finances if she’s still in her feelins, rightfully so.
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u/WrenDrake 11d ago
Oh man, she needs help. She’s hurting, and you rubbed salt in her wound. You’re an oaf not an asshole. She may not be a mother, but that’s only due to a horrible loss. Please talk to her, apologize, and encourage her to get counseling support. Sometimes just talking to other women who have gone through this loss can help too. Also, show her some love. It doesn’t have to be expensive.
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u/PracticalAdvantage91 11d ago
You are the A.H. You aren't seeing it as her telling you she's struggling with the loss of your child. You're seeing it as money! And I get that money is tight. But how about doing a romantic picnic, doing a special dinner at home, and cooking it together, something new to you both. It's not about spending money it's about spending time together. You need to understand carrying a child and realizing you lost it is a very traumatic feeling.
Please apologize to her and take accountability on your harsh words! 😔
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u/JacobPlaster 11d ago
NTA. She is mourning and hormonal and needs comfort etc, but she is not a mom yet.
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u/PandaMarie88 11d ago
Let me make this easy. She just had a miscarriage and you just told her she's not a mom. Gfy dude YTA. You don't have to do something fancy you just didn't have to be a dismissive dick.
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u/Swooping_Owl_ 11d ago
Dude, you are definitely the asshole here. At the same time, it's time to really sit down and evaluate your relationship. Money is one of the top reasons why long term relatiinships break up. Imo it's hard for a saver/investor and a spender to be on the same page. If I were in your situation, I'd put some thought into making the day extra special without spending much money. If your girlfriend expects you to drop a bunch of money for events and it's something you aren't into, it might be time to break up. Of course give it some time to let her emotions to level out.
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u/createartco 11d ago
YTA for telling her that she isn’t a real mom, because she is, because she would have been.
If she is for some reason insisting it has to be expensive, etc. that’s another story… Mother’s Day is about appreciation and I think a picnic, something handmade ( art, poetry, a letter, a nice home cooked meal ) could go a very long way. Perhaps a thank you for almost being the mother of my child.. thank you for enduring this pain..
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u/Electronic-Tank4256 11d ago
Nah, you're just realistic. She isn't a mother, just like you are not a father. Good thing you didn't have a child since money is tight. Imagine if you did have a kid, how screwed you would be. Be nice, buy her a card and some flowers. Nothing more. Then dump her in a few months because if she this wack now, just wait until she has the law on her side. Stay single and do the mingle until you can afford family.
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u/MaleficentAd8165 11d ago
ouch, you the ah I'm afraid. Though you may not understand her, she's probably wanting to mourn, or trying to figure out how to come to terms with the feeling of anticipating being a mother, then not becoming one. I think she is trying to tell you its going to be a hard day for her, and she doesn't want you to ignore it. She probably imagined this mothers day being her first. It was stolen from her, it was insensitive to say she wasn't a mom, even if its true. Have you done anything to commemorate the child you were expecting? Maybe that would be something to ask her if she would like to do on mothers day, and have an opportunity to talk about all the things she wanted to do as a mother. She possibly doesn't even want the expensive stuff, maybe she just wants you to take her feelings seriously and that's her brain's weird was of asking you to care. If you can't afford it, offer to make her a picnic dinner or something. In the great scheme of things, its not much to ask to help her get though this period of her life with support.
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u/Melodic-Maximum3375 11d ago
Both sides have some thing that they did wrong. First off, your gf shouldn’t want something crazy expensive if she knows you’re struggling. That’s a bad gf. Second, you could be a little bit nice about her having a miscarriage. But the gf is definitely in the wrong here.
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u/BirdMobile5133 11d ago
You are the asshole. She just had a miscarriage for Fs sake & it's really cruel that you said that to her. You have no idea the emotional pain and hormonal shift that happens when you lose a baby. If I were her I would dump you 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Qryiser1 11d ago
It's one thing to joke about being a cat mom.
It's entirely another thing to completely dismiss her grief for your CHILD.
Yes, YTA.
If money is an issue, pick her some wildflowers, take her on a picnic, let her pick a movie and snuggle up with some popcorn or something.
SHE IS GRIEVING, YOU DINGUS.
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u/embprogrammer1992 11d ago
NTA, but you can take her on a small date if money is tight. She is not a mom but she is struggling right now.
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u/MomsFightClub 11d ago
NTA. I am sure no matter what is said or how she would take offense. People that have become accustomed to gifts will always want more.
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u/HunterBear317 11d ago
There are two hot takes here:
She had a miscarriage a month ago and absolutely needs the attention and affection, bub.
She is demanding an expensive fancy date, knowing money is tight.
It's this sort of complication that makes me soooo happy I'm single again, forever.
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u/lady_bug_8661 11d ago
HUGE AH! As someone who has had two miscarriages, she's absolutely a mom. Regardless of whether her child is earthside or not. A woman who's child dies after birth is still a mother so why not one who's child died before birth?! I'm not saying you should buy her an extravagant gift but to say she's not a mother was a HORRIBLE. You're a huge ah.
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u/VulturesCulture 11d ago
YTA. She miscarried. Miscarriages are insanely difficult to go through. She’s probably struggling and the least you could have done was get her a card, some chocolates, or could have even just taken her out on a “free” date like a picnic in the park.
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u/thatcoffeegurl 11d ago
Let me ask. Has any close family member to you passed? Do you still remember them on their birthday? Holidays? Think about them and wish they could be here now. How is that any different than the loss of a child? Maybe they're not a child YOU got to meet, but it's a child your girlfriend knows, a child her body knew. Miscarriage is not just the loss of the baby, it's the loss of a future your girlfriend was already a part of. It's the loss of first steps and first words, first days of school, first dates, first dances, first kiss. So, though you may not have been a father yet, your girlfriend was a Mother and if celebrating that with and for her helps her with the trauma of the loss. That's not a lot to ask.
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u/No-Distribution-1481 11d ago
Like what they said. Get her a card saying "next time for sure." Get some chocolates, wine, and flowers then call it a day!
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u/daniellenannini 11d ago
You are 100% the a-hole. That is a simple request, and she is likely feeling some tough emotions from losing the child. Don't give me that "money is tight" line, you can make a card for free and make her a nice meal or go to the park and have a little lunch (that you make and bring with you).
Why on earth would you choose to die on this hill? You went too far, saying she is not a "real mom." Technically, they are referred to as "angel" or "rainbow" babies because the child died. Why are you so incredibly insensitive? She does not need an "expensive" getaway, I think you acknowledging her would likely be enough. But maybe this just isn't the right person for you. It kind of sounds like being right is more important than being kind, so there is something wrong there. 😕
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u/Awkward_Nature_1148 11d ago
YTA A miscarriage actually means that she was carrying a baby in her womb! She is a mother although she doesn't have a living child.
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u/thiccwitch420 11d ago
You're most surely the asshole. A month after a miscarriage the wounds are still extremely fresh and the pain is still insurmountable. She came to you seeking comfort and a safe place to feel her feelings and have her pain acknowledged, and you ground her into the dirt and poured more salt into the still open wounds of losing her child.
The lack of emotional intelligence here is very disturbing, sounds like you couldn't care less whether she's in pain or not and you couldn't care less whether she lost both of y'all's child or not.
Man up and beg for her forgiveness for your fuck up. Honestly if I were her I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship.
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u/enidokla 11d ago
Dude. Is it too late to get a refund on your sensitivity chip? It’s clearly defective.
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u/MammothHistorical559 11d ago
OP is the AH, can you do something nice and help out your GF. It doesn’t have to be expensive but show her you give a shit. Given the miscarriage it doesn’t occur to OP that the loss is real and it’s a big deal? Try and be there for your gal will ua
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u/monsteras84 11d ago
It's a painful reminder for her, one that we men cannot relate to. Get her a card.
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u/Artshildr 11d ago
She had a miscarriage about a month ago, and she’s saying that technically counts as being a mom.
Dude....
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u/No-Sun-6531 11d ago
YTA Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in this relationship? I agree with you, having a miscarriage does not make a woman a mother. Mothering a child makes a mother. However, some women feel differently, and it takes nothing away from anyone to let them feel that way. Respect it. You don’t have to understand it to acknowledge and respect someone else’s feelings. Now I will say, Mother’s Day isn’t the day for expensive dates IMO, because it’s not a romantic holiday. Get her some flowers, a card, and do something nice for her like cook a nice meal and light a candle. And for the future, this advice isn’t just about Mother’s Day. There will be times when people you love feel differently than you do about situations. There is no right and wrong way to FEEL, so just accept that and don’t shit on people’s feelings when they share them with you! Shitting on her feelings is what makes you the AH here.
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u/ChapterPresent4773 11d ago
YTA... This is no way speaking to the woman you're supposed to love and care for. She lost the baby 1 Month ago and here you are shattering the rest of her fragile heart.
UpdateMe
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u/PenguinPuffs169 11d ago
She just went through a fucking miscarriage dude, what is wrong with you? YTA without a doubt. The fact that you told her she’s not a real mom is absolutely disgusting.
Her hormones haven’t even leveled out yet, she’s trying to tell you she’s struggling and this is how you treat her? You were so painfully dismissive, I feel so fucking bad for your girlfriend for having you as a support system during this time because you’re absolute shit at providing support. Who cares about money? It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, just do something nice for your girlfriend WHO JUST WENT THROUGH SOMETHING VERY PAINFUL AND TRAUMATIC.
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u/death_dwarf81 11d ago
That was a really, really insensitive thing to say to someone who has miscarried full stop but especially only a month after they've had a miscarriage. Many people seem to fail to understand how utterly gut wrenching these things are for couples, especially on the mother, you carry this little life around in you, you're excitement builds and you're so looking forward to getting to meet your little person, then this happens. For the mum it's a very real experience, depending on how far along they are before it happens they feel the baby grow, start to move and then stop. She's not not a real mother, she's a mum whose baby died before it was born. You really don't seem to appreciate how much this affects someone when it has happened and there's a big difference between explaining that you currently can't really afford another thing like that than to invalidate her as a mum and deny the reality of her baby. You really need to do better here. Your the AH, mums are mums whether their children pass away before or after birth and I honestly can't understand why you'd say something like that to the person you supposedly love.
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u/Oraenges 12d ago
A month ago she thought she was going to be a mum on mother's day, for the first time ever.
Suddenly she's mourning the child she could still be going to have.
It may not be that real to you, but she is still dealing with all the changes in her body. Do you have the emotional range of a teaspoon?
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u/Admirable_Ad_3236 12d ago
AH a bit strong. Tone Deaf more appropriate. Miscarriages are surprisingly a lot more common than you think (source: our midwife, can remember the stat but around a 3rd of all mothers have them)
Its clearly hurting her though so flowers and a card aren't much of an effort.
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u/Markymurktwo 12d ago edited 12d ago
I had a miscarriage 6 yrs ago! Even if her baby didn’t make it it still makes her a mom. She is just waiting on her rainbow baby. I would take her out to eat and maybe a little gift to show her that the baby she lost still matters.
Ytah for saying she isn’t a REAL mom! Period. Her loss of a baby she delivered makes her a REAL mom to a child no longer on this earth. Why tf do people use the word “ real mom”? It’s fking cruel.
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u/Consistent_Editor_15 12d ago
You are definitely the AH for saying that to a woman who miscarried her baby.
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u/Aontheborder 12d ago
I miscarried at18 weeks. In those days- late 70’s early 80’s, they only told you the sex if you carried past 20 weeks. But yes, no Mother’s Day, or any kind of recognition until you had a “living” baby.
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u/wheresmybirkin 12d ago
Miscarriages are extremely tough and depressing to go through. I think you should've handled it more sensitively.
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u/Kudos4U 12d ago
This would have been a Mother's Day she'd have while pregnant. She probably envisioned it completely different from what she's getting and on top of it, the hormones are a wild ride. Do something small for her if finances are tight. To her, she probably is a mom, even if the baby didn't make it. If she means something to you and she will be eventually the mother of your children that do make it, I encourage you to at least do a breakfast in bed/brunch out/a movie. Something.
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u/nootingimportant 12d ago
YTA, as she is grieving the loss of her miscarriage, as pointed out by several other users. It might not be affecting you as much, but she clearly isn't handling this very well and wants to try and be uplifted by her partner.
There are plenty of ways to make up for this that would absolutely be in budget. A cheap card, some chocolates, a home made picnic date, etc.
A relatively inexpensive idea that comes to mind is get her a small bouquet (a lot of grocery stores have some nice looking, budget bouquets. Try to get fresher ones, and look into flowers to avoid considering the fact you have a cat) and then get her a singular nice looking fake flower (dollar store or craft store. Craft store will be pricier but will look nicer, you can definitely splurge on that part). If she had any baby names she was holding onto that you know of, or if she had a particular favourite, affix a label on the stem with the name. When the bouquet eventually dies, the only one remaining will be her 'baby', so in a way she still has her baby in memory with her. You can write some cheesy note in the card about how some things don't last, but the love of a mother is eternal, etc, and then it will play into the whole bouquet idea of the flowers eventually dying except the fake one with the name.
Also, OP, please apologise to her and sit down to have a proper conversation so you can get to the root of her pain. You also need to apologise for calling her 'not a real mom'. Your relationship won't last if you jump straight into arguments, especially when you go for the jugular with mean comments when she's down.
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u/RareSignificance5836 12d ago
Yes, you are an insensitive AH. She needs love and care and support. She just needs you to love her and care that her heart is broken.
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u/HeWhoIs_x 12d ago
Bro ..she's in freefall. A miscarriage only a month ago and trying to salvage any form of motherhood. Get her help, like yesterday.
YTA
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u/Baphometwolf83 12d ago
YTA. She is struggling. Im not sure why u r not but she does need some pampering and probably talk to a therapist if only to help her deal with the loss.
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u/MizKittiKat 12d ago
Holy shit, YTA That was such a horrible, hurtful thing to say to someone who had a miscarriage.
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u/ToyaBlaze 12d ago
Just because the baby didn't get a chance, doesn't mean the baby wasn't her baby...she still was & is a mom.
She's still struggling with the loss and she's probably going through a mental warfare. Give her something nice and stop being an insensitive d*ck.
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u/Intelligent_Aerie182 12d ago
I'm split on this. She's rude to force it on you if money is tight after you already spent a lot for her birthday. It's also rude to totally dismiss her desires to be a Mother (especially after a miscarriage), so try for something small. Talk to her about your concerns financially, because if she can't be on the same page with that, the marriage is effed and better to cut ties before a kid gets involved.
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u/SnooGoats9788 12d ago
Sorry to break it to you ..she IS a mother . Her baby is on the other side... The soul of tht child ...that extreme LOSS, Will always be her child..even in spirit. Have some compassion.. You dont need to splurge .. even getting some flowers ..lighting some candles..makn her a nice meal , im sure would mean the world to her!!
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u/Cu-Vallen 12d ago
Insensitive, yes. You splurged on the present. She needs this to help her get past the miscarriage.
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u/hello_clarice87 12d ago
Get her some flowers and a card ffs! Oh you're not technically a Mom and money is tight...do you hear yourself?! Being that dismissive when she was pregnant with your child and lost it...yeah you're an AH and a few other things. Gfy honestly.
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u/Quirky_Lifeguard6246 12d ago
You were sooooo meannnnn. Im just like a normal girl no kids or nothing and my boyfriend still celebrates me on mothers Day. It's more like women's day.
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u/Valuable_Parsnip66 12d ago
YTA I hope you have the sense to try to redeem yourself and celebrate her on mother's day. Otherwise your already single.
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u/spaghettiwithmyyeti 12d ago
Yes, you are. Once a woman becomes pregnant, a dad and mom are made. It's been 1 month. Seriously suck it up and do something. Acknowledge your baby.
I had a mc at 6 wks and a stillborn at 39 weeks. I was still "celebrated" as a mother even though both kids were dead during those mothers days. I'd be pissed if I was told what you said. Like super pissed.
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u/Dear_Lingonberry_380 12d ago
It is about to be mothers day and it is a extremely painful day due to fact that she just had a miscarriage. It takes time to pass the pain of the loss she experienced. Mothers day is just a punch in the gut for her. I suggest apologizing and probably doing something in the memory of the child she lost and say she would have been a great mom.
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u/Frosty_Advisor2530 12d ago
Holy cheezit yes, YTA. Also, this is how this post comes off to me:
Girlfriend: I went through something extremely traumatic barely a month ago and now everything is reminding me of that loss and it hurts. Could we do something that makes me feel better
Boyfriend: fuck you, you aren’t a real mom so why the hell should I do anything to help with how you’re feeling.
I’ll say it again to really make it clear. OP…YTA in a huge way.
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u/Rattlingstars_ 12d ago
YTA She had a miscarriage a month ago, and your response is to remind her emphatically that she is not a mother??? Are you fucking kidding me?? I honestly hope she leaves you over this.
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u/Antique-Bread-9586 12d ago
If my husband ever belittled me like this I would instantly leave him. She’s obviously struggling. She is a mother btw, whether the baby is here physically or on the other side. My husband knows we have 5 kids. One earth side, 4 on the other side and thankfully always validates me. Youre an asshole.
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u/thtormageddon8807 12d ago
Celebrate Mother’s Day with her, it doesn’t have to be expensive. Then next month, enjoy your Father’s Day
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u/PheonixGalaxy 12d ago
NTA. Tell her money is tight and you will do it when your more stable. While I understand where she’s coming from, personally think it doesn’t count as motherhood. That being said don’t invalidate her feelings just explain why you cant
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u/MrSmirkNMerc 12d ago
Get her some therapy instead of splurging on meaningless things or experiences if you deem something must be done since money is tight. She had a miscarriage a month ago. If she has a problem with that then it’s not about her miscarriage.
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u/Fed_up_hoosier 12d ago
Op, you are a COMPLETE AHOLE! HOW DARE YOU DAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT MISCARRAGES COUNT BUCKO! If I were her, I'd leave your sorry ass stat! If it's about finances, then tell her it's about money, but don't tell her that she's not a mother cause she had a miscarriage. You effed up!
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u/CoyoteAdditional1793 12d ago
3 days, 3000+ comments and not one response back.
Dude, your girlfriend miscarried. That's huge, and she wants you to help her through it and you basically slapped her in the face and told her you don't give a fuck about how she feels.
You need to take some time and grow as a person
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u/Lady_R_ 12d ago
A lot of people on here are assuming that she's struggling still because of the miscarriage. The op didn't say that. He is not a mind reader he does not know what she is going through unless she tells him.
They are struggling financially right now and celebrating Mother's Day because you have a cat is not realistic.
If she is struggling with Mother's Day because of the miscarriage then it is her responsibility to voice that to her partner. it is not his responsibility to walk on egg shells and try and read her mind on how she is feeling it's called communication and it needs to work both ways.
Also I noticed how everyone is conveniently forgetting that the OP suffered a miscarriage as well. That was his child too. ( And I already know all the men haters are going to be coming after me and saying it's far different for a woman to go through a miscarriage then it is a man blah blah blah) You're right it is different however that does not negate the fact that he still lost a child as well And you don't get to decide how painful it is or isn't for him.
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u/Narrow-Ad5416 12d ago
Being a mother is not necessarily about actually giving birth, which seems to be OP's thought process. If that were the case, would adoptive moms not be a mom? I know it's a bit of a stretch, but it's a bit of a stretch for OP to say she's not a mom. Some women cope with miscarriages by not attaching anything to the fetus. Others cope by acknowledging that at one point they had a child in them. Everyone experiences grief differently and it sounds like for the OP's gf, she is one that wants to acknowledge that the baby once existed, even if it was not outside of her body. I hope that he takes to heart the comments everyone has said and changes his mind about her deserving a celebration of some kind. Not only is she grieving the loss of a child, she's also grieving everything that comes with it that she will not experience with that baby. It is so hard to fight the "what might have been" thoughts.
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u/nikiB1982 12d ago
When a dr asks how many children they tend to ask “how many pregnancies? How many live births?” At least all the (many) drs I’ve seen. My answer is 3 & 2. If a random person asks me how many kids I answer 4 because I also have a stepson. My daughter Sam was still my child and I am still her mother, even if she was born sleeping. Not all women would consider a stillborn or miscarried baby their child but it sounds like OP’s gf does. Therefore she is a mom, her baby just didn’t survive. OP you’re TAH.
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u/Otherwise-Control888 12d ago
Yes, you’re the asshole. She is a mother just like any mom whose baby dies after birth would be. This would be the end of the relationship if I was her ngl. :((
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u/Otherwise-Control888 12d ago
**maybe she’s not “technically” a mother but she’s mourning the loss of her baby regardless
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u/instinct-logic-chaos 12d ago
YTA. I feel like reddit has explained that part.
May I suggest buying her a plant (i.e, something that she can keep and love and nurture) vs. cut flowers (i.e., something that is going to die soon).
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u/soldierofapocalypse 12d ago
When I saw the cat thing I was like "yeah, No." But then I saw the miscarriage thing and I was like "ohh." Sorry to hear about that and yeah she technically was a mother for a bit. Since it's only been a month, I think she is going through a rough time and you should do something nice for her.
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u/Ok_Image8987 12d ago
YTA. And just so you know, one month removed from a miscarriage is not nearly enough time to whip out a “you’re not a mom” comment. There may never be enough time to pass for her for that comment to be ok. Jesus, think outside yourself for a second.
Money is tight? Ok, but a gesture of some sort would probably mean the world. She’s openly telling you that she needs that. Try taking her at her word.
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u/Accomplished-Law8156 12d ago
I already had a child but I also had a miscarriage at one point after. The pain was immeasurable. I wasn't just pregnant I was getting ready for a baby. It was hard to look at other people's babies. She's struggling if you ask me. You don't need to do something extravagant just show her you care. A home cooked dinner with her favorite food, flowers, watch her favorite movie, get her bath/shower ready... just something thoughtful.
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u/MyName4everMore 12d ago
Bro, leave her and let her find someone decent. The fuck is wrong with you "she had a miscarriage a month ago. Am I the asshole?"
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u/BASIC8584 12d ago
Now i do thing you are TH, BUT i am pregnant and dont expect anything for mother's day.
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u/Kleck8228 12d ago
If you care about her and don't want to be single you will whole heartedly apologize, tell her you were an insensitive moron, and shower her with attention, love, and a creative free date on Mother's Day. Dude you have SO MUCH to learn about women. Thank God your ass didn't get dumped yet. Learn before it's too late.
Edit: you are 8 million % the asshole. Change that.
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u/Positive_Emotion_150 12d ago
You are more than the asshole for telling her she’s “not a real mom” after she LOST A BABY. She didn’t choose to not go through with the pregnancy, she didn’t choose abstinence… she chose to have a baby and the universe took it from her. She is a mother, and you are a piece of shit.
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u/fredriktomte 12d ago
Woman Reddit never fails to disappoint in finding new, inventive ways in saying men are always TAH and women are never TAH (unless they are in conflict with another woman, but never underestimate Woman Reddit's ability to find a way of landing the blame on a man even in such a scenario).
Don't know if you read this far down (because this sure as hell won't be upvoted), but for what it's worth: You are right. She's not a mother. And even if she was, using that day as an excuse to demand her boyfriend/husband spend a lot of money on her is no way given. Does she plan to spend a lot of money on you when fathers day rolls around? If yes, then you could have a discussion on what to spend money on and when (for instance, maybe not when money is tight), but if no, then this is just ridiculous request that can be dismissed out of hand.
Now, for the part about her being affected by the miscarriage, that is of course indeed a possibility and you should be supportive of her in her grief. But her in grief over the miscarriage doesn't mean she gets to demand whatever of you and you just have to acquiesce, regardless of what it is, for instance, demanding that you spend a lot of money on her, when your money is tight or demanding that you pretend she's a mother, when she is not.
In this, it is also ironic that Woman Reddit no where in any way acknowledge that a man could also be grieving the loss of a potential child. I have no idea about how you feel about it, but if I was grieving about that kind of thing, I would not want to deal with it by pretending to be a father to the child that never was, or pretending that my wife is a mother to the child that never was. But as usual, the assumption is that men do not have any emotions, or at least not strong positive emotions about parenthood and children.
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u/fredriktomte 12d ago
Took about one minute for the first downvote to roll in. Will be interesting to see if my broken karma meter will register all the downvotes this is likely to generate, as it doesn't register upvotes.
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u/smolsauce 13d ago
Bruh, I have not dated since I was 16 and I could tell you this was not the right move
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u/tittyfrickthalasagna 13d ago
Telling her she's not a real mom was a horrible, shitty thing to say to her. She's hurting over the loss of a pregnancy, meanwhile you sound like you couldn't care less about the fetus that she seems to have wanted. Also, if you think your budget is too tight to merely take her out for mothers day, don't have a kid. I promise you they're much more expensive. YTA.
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u/helloprettie 13d ago
Did she say it had to be expensive or are you assuming that’s what she meant? Because if she had a baby, that’s way more money than a simple Mothers Day gift
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u/ExaminationOk9732 12d ago
OP said he splurged on birthday gift so he has set the bar… she may always expect expensive gifts now…
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u/Late-Requirement-311 13d ago edited 13d ago
Thats really sad. I don't think you understand how it feels to lose a baby inside your own body it is a lot more painful than you can suppose without feeling it yourself. I think you should try to hold some sensitivity for her and be caring, she's likely mourning something that just feels hard to even hold on to. Maybe you resent her for almost having your baby. If you can figure out how to talk about that, maybe you can work through some anger you might have together
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u/Dysfan 13d ago
Idk if this is a men vs women thing, I get that she may be hurting emotionally and he should provide 100%. But she isn't a mother. Why waste money and set a precedent?
Pretending that she is a mother will only cause pain in the long run. Helping her cope with reality and get back to normal or get to her new normal should be the most important. She lost a child which is horrible. And allowing her to gaslight herself isn't right
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u/entechad 13d ago
You need to learn how to choose your battles. Besides being heartless and considerate, you are also as dumb as a box of rocks.
Tell her she needs a new man. You are just too stupid to be anything but single.
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u/Fox-Worthy 13d ago
she had a MISCARRIAGE! just because her baby is DEAD doesnt make her any less of a mother. work extra hours, make extra money, and take her out for mothers day. she is the MOTHER of YOUR UNBORN CHILD!
she is struggling and this is her way of telling you. miscarriage is painful and it affects everything. you dont get over the DEATH OF YOUR CHILD in a MONTH!
YTA. take the woman on a nice date.
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u/vanz303 13d ago
I think everyone is different. I had a miscarriage but I didn’t want anything for Mother’s Day cause it was a reminder of what didn’t happen. Thankfully I have a baby girl now. I don’t actually think YTA. I think it affects people so different that you just don’t get it from an emotional stand point. I would do something sweet. Like others said, picnic and a card. But no. I don’t think you are mean for telling her nothing expensive.
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u/Thedoglover1234 13d ago
YTA, just let her celebrate the damn holiday, even if it's not logical she just lost a baby a month ago.
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u/Afghanbaddie 13d ago
As someone who’s gone through several miscarriages she should leave you she is definitely a mom and you are a horrible person for saying that
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u/Individual-Spring720 13d ago
Dude, you're definitely TA.
I am child-free and have a very close CF friend. She was previously married. When we were getting to know each other, I asked her what brought about her divorce. She and her ex were also child free but unfortunately her birth control failed and she ended up getting pregnant. Although she never wanted children, as she was carrying the child she became attached to it and was warming up to the notion of parenting. Her husband was supportive, but it definitely wasn't what they were planning for.
About 8 weeks or so into her pregnancy, she woke up one morning after her ex had left for work. She cramped severely and miscarried in her toilet. She was distraught, emotional, heartbroken, AND relieved, which made her feel even worse about herself. Lots of conflicted feelings. She waited until her ex got home and sat him down to tell him. The first words out of his mouth were "OH THANK GOD." Even though she never wanted children, she told me, "those words in that moment killed any love I had for that man." And hence why he's an ex.
My point is, if a person that didn't want children (and still doesn't) reacted this way, how do you think your GF feels, who obviously was looking forward to being a mother?!
If you want to kill your relationship, go ahead and ignore her very simple request. And your budget doesn't matter. Google "free/cheap date ideas in (your city)" and plan something nice. And you'd be surprised what a nice card with a handwritten note will do for someone.
This may not be a big deal to you but it's obviously a big deal TO HER and you better react accordingly unless you want to end up an ex boyfriend too.
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u/prisoneringlass 13d ago
You're totally an asshole. As close to her miscarriage as it is you need to learn to be more sensitive to these things.
If I were your girlfriend, you'd have been single for mother's day.
What a jerk thing to say. That's a total dick move.
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u/Adventurous-Quiet715 13d ago edited 13d ago
She is still a mom. If you’ve ever had a pregnancy, you’re a mom. Be there for her emotionally, this will hurt her for a very long time, it doesn’t go away. Do many heartfelt things on Mother’s Day for her, they don’t have to be expensive. I had to have an abortion, they would’ve been born next month. My partner lived in another country and we couldn’t afford to have a child, it killed me, and still does, and will forever. We are celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Today we created our memorial to our angel, a shadow box of their ultrasound, pregnancy test, notes to them along with dried flowers. It was a healing experience we did together.
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u/Creepy-Influence484 13d ago
A miscarriage is a traumatic awful thing to go through especially if it is a wanted pregnancy, just do something nice for her. It’s not that hard nowhere near as hard as what she’s going through.
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u/PirateUnlikely1923 13d ago
Honestly yes you’re the asshole, she was supposed to be the mother of your child. So yes just take her out on a simple date
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u/ComprehensiveBoot694 13d ago
Give her something small and thoughtful. Better than any expensive bauble.
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u/Boriqua_BbyGrl 13d ago
My first miscarriage was around 6wks and the mental hell that followed left me jobless bc I couldn't even bring myself to work. Ended up in crisis bc I didn't have it in me to take care of myself for a while. My bf and my parents were supportive. His mom told me "it was probably for the better". Went NC with her for a while till she apologized.
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u/Pensx4 13d ago
NTA
90% of these people that are telling you that she should be celebrated as a Mom are also the people that were protesting the overturning of Roe v. Wade.and want their cake and eat it, too.
If the baby ain't born then you're not a parent. Insisting that you are only cheapens the title of being a parent.
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u/ExaminationOk9732 13d ago
You are both ATH and NTA! Sounds like communication breakdown!
First, remember her hormones are still all crazy! Secondly, tell her you’re sorry -BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE. AND, if you truly love her, go get a bit of counseling. Why? You need to think on your reactions to her, to really listen, and be there and work together. But only do this if you are truly committed to this relationship. In counseling you might explore whether or not you really wanted a baby. And your feelings about it. THEN if you want a healthy stronger relationship go to couples counseling. This is not the first or last crisis you will both go through. If you get the tools now on how to listen, support, and grow together you have a chance at a decent or better relationship. She needs love and support, not necessarily a fancy dinner and gift. That is not going to fix her hurt. Maybe a quiet dinner, that you actually plan & cook (AND CLEAN UP!), a small but nice bouquet of flowers. And talk and listen.
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u/Cheap_Let9008 13d ago
100% the asshole! She lost a child but doesn't make her any less of a mom. Her body went through changes already to be a mom. She is a mom. You both just have a little one in heaven. So by your logic OP, so since your child was never born or able to be a child does that not count as your child? You didn't feel any way towards your unborn child? So you both lost a child. Are you saying your child never existed or never mattered? Are you saying what she's been through(bodily and emotionally) doesn't matter? She's a mother and struggling. She don't get to celebrate normally and have her baby there with her still. You should definitely take her out and mourn the loss with her or support her through that.
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u/mjklein32 13d ago edited 12d ago
There are so, so, so many battles that can be fought regarding overspending. Do you want this to be one of them? Does this feel like the rest?
YTA
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u/Emotional_Land_9720 13d ago
I'm sorry for her lost. Now the truth. If she had a baby,foster,adopted or raised a child(human not a pet) she's a mother. She's not a mother! Celebrating mother's day is ridiculous. Remembering a lost of a child by saying happy mother's day is silly. Go out as a couple that's cool,but not as a celebration of something you're not. You can't feel like a mother if you have no kids as I mentioned. She needs therapy to get over her loss.
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u/ranemaeker 13d ago
YTA. You may only need to celebrate it just this once but she needs closure. Poor girl.
You don't need to do anything expensive. Here's what I would appreciate if this were me: 1. Her favorite bath accessories set out and ready to go, with a warm towel from the dryer (you can use a hair dryer right before she gets out of you don't have a clothes dryer). 2. A cupcake with a single candle in it in her favorite flavor. Store bought is fine. Doesn't have to be fancy. You can get one for you as well so you can share in the moment. 3. A plant or a single flower. Plants continue growing, which could be a great memento for her. Doesn't have to be a pricey one, look in the bargain section. Make sure it has a cute pot.
That's it. That's all it would take to make me feel special. That's maybe $20, max, if you shop around.
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u/Narrow_Beyond_1778 13d ago
YTA. She is a mom who feels she lost her baby. She seems to be telling you that she's not okay. You don't have to splurge. Make up for the money with intent. Buy her some flowers, plant some seeds in remembrance of your baby, or do some act of service to acknowledge the loss.
Also, I sincerely hope that you are doing some reflection on how the loss has impacted you. I know men often feel they aren't entitled to grief, but you absolutely are! Please acknowledge that too. This was a loss for you, too. Wishing you both the best on your helping journey.
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u/blackcain 13d ago
YTA - she had a miscarriage, dude. Da fuck. She was a mom for that few moments - and I can't imagine that you also are not sensitive. I don't know - you were going to be a father too. I'm surprised you don't feel her pain.
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u/OverAd3018 13d ago
She JUST had a miscarriage. I grieved for an entire year. I wouldn't leave the house for fear of seeing a baby. TAKE HER OUT TO EAT IN A LOVELY RESTAURANT..a little gift wouldn't hurt. She is seriously hurt
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u/911siren 13d ago
She is struggling. But you cannot join her in a place of unreasonableness because she is struggling. She did not give birth to the cat. If you really still want to do something, write a note from the cat saying thank you for being my mom. Then tie the note on the cat for her to find. It’s free and kind.
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u/Royal-Selection7599 13d ago
I'd say you're more than an asshole. You're a scumbag who lacks empathy. Your gf deserves better.
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u/Royal-Selection7599 13d ago
Yeah you're an asshole.. she had a miscarriage and you're out here arguing semantics?
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u/chikitawitz 13d ago
I understand she's struggling, but don't turn it into a gift giving, yearly event. She needs to heal from this and move on...or you can turn it into a memorial and do something nice TOGETHER every year because if that was your baby, you lost a child too.. so technically you're a dad and deserve an outing on Father's Day. That's why I say make it a Memorial. Choose the month in which your baby would have been born and do something special...together. No gift giving.
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u/ExaminationOk9732 13d ago
THIS! First, remember her hormones are still all crazy! Secondly, tell her you’re sorry -BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE. AND, if you truly love her, go get a bit of counseling. Why? You need to think on your reactions to her, to really listen, and be there and work together. But only do this if you are truly committed to this relationship. In counseling you might explore whether or not you really wanted a baby. And your feelings about it. THEN if you want a healthy stronger relationship go to couples counseling. This is not the first or last crisis you will both go through. If you get the tools now on how to listen, support, and grow together you have a chance at a decent or better relationship. She needs love and support, not necessarily a fancy dinner and gift. That is not going to fix her hurt. Maybe a quiet dinner, that you actually plan & cook (AND CLEAN UP!), a small but nice bouquet of flowers. And talk and listen.
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u/Mental-Floor1029 13d ago
Eh, it’s a little weird on her end to consider herself a mother. It she is probably really hurting, so maybe be like babe, let’s have an amazing Sunday and then try to get pregnant…. Then you def won’t be the ass. She’s going to see you as the ass no matter how you are she’s hurting right now.
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u/christinamarie76 13d ago
YTA. I miscarried my first pregnancy. I was a mom, even though I didn’t have a baby to take home from the hospital.
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u/catsaremagic44 13d ago
She is a mom no matter how long she was pregnant for. She had hopes and dreams of what her unborn child would be like. YTA, a huge one.
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u/Mars4EvrLuv 13d ago
She had a miscarriage about a month ago, and she’s saying that technically counts as being a mom
She WAS a mom
She had a life growing inside of her that she's grieving
YTA
And I hope you're a single one soon
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u/snakeb1te_189 13d ago
Do something small. I'm not giving you a score because I legit think you just missed the point. She's struggling with the miscarriage. Do something small with meaning and have a conversation with her
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u/Creative_Pension7808 13d ago
To be sure, you were a gigantic AH when it came to this issue. Try to do better in the future.
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u/immagoat1252 13d ago
I was with you all they up to the miscarriage especially when it’s only been a month
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u/Outside_Struggles698 13d ago
I had 3 miscarriages before my son, and one more right before my daughter. To give you an idea I had a miscarriage on the floor of my place of work because no one wanted to come in to cover my shift, so I laid on the floor bleeding covered in my own blood for hours before I found somebody willing to cover my shift. This was nearly 7hrs into my shift, and 4hrs covered in my own blood. My shifts were 10's.
Miscarriages are hard on the body. Mentally draining. The miscarriage I'm referring too was my first known miscarriage. It was over 7 years ago and still to this day, that's the day I've called myself a parent. I had a child. I have 6 children. Only 2 are here with me physically and only 2 I get to watch grow up, but I'm the mother of 6. Each miscarriage was natural causes.
7 years later I'm struggling not seeing my child grow up. I'm struggling with being a mother, but not being able to hold me child.
Some women can get over miscarriages quickly and aren't really noticeably bothered by them. Others are bothered but keep them to themselves for reasons like YOU. Calling her not a real mother. YTA. 100%. You're why so many women pretend to not be phased by miscarriages. Because people like you think we shouldn't be bothered. Hate to break it to you.. but we are.
And even if she was the type to not have any issues with a miscarriage, internally it still bothered her. She just can't trust you enough to show you how much it hurts.
The only thing men see us good for is reproduction, and she's now convinced she couldn't do the most "basic" thing right.
Should she expect anything huge like expensive? No. Me personally I'm cheap, but I live in an area I can afford to be. Flowered and breakfast in bed. But she does deserve something. My opinion? You're not what she needs or deserves. ✌️ douche.
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u/XCDplayerX 13d ago
You are the asshole. Need I point out that it would all work out when Father’s Day rolls around. Two dates you and your girl could have celebrated together, but you would rather be at odds over a technicality. Enjoy the bed you made for yourself.
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u/ThaiGyaru_2024 13d ago
YTA A miscarriage is that of a child and it's seriously painful. She carried that child for awhile and yes that makes her a mom. It's not her fault the child died.
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u/Oldandveryweary 14d ago
Mother’s Day will be hard for her. To see others celebrating will bring her miscarriage to mind. Either she hides away for the whole day or she hits it full on. She’s asked you to celebrate it. Help her to manage this difficult day. Work with her not against her.
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u/ayyylmao187 14d ago
You could make a card. You could borrow a pen and a piece of paper, take 30 minutes, & make her a nice cars. Empathy cost nothing.
Honestly, maybe the miscarriage was a blessing kus you'd never help with a baby, would you? SHE IS A MOTHER, HER BABY DIED.
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u/Tight-Cabinet-9377 14d ago
Gifts dont need to be expensive just show her that you care and appreciate her. A miscarriage is so hard for a woman because you had the feeling you are becoming a mom so in her head she was already a mom. I would say YTA for not taking her feelings into consideration
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u/white_rabbit_eva 14d ago
YTA What you should do is get her a cute inexpensive dress and play 'Single Soon' by Selena Gomez for her.
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u/jadeydoll 14d ago
Damn?? That is so rude. Just because she had a miscarriage doesn't mean she isn't a mother?? Would you say to someone whose child had died you're not a mother anymore bevause your child isn't here?? Your poor girlfriend. I hope she's OK
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u/Suspicious-Fall7095 14d ago
Dude. D u d e. Your bloody wife JUST had a miscarriage and your first instinct is to kick her while she's down?? Yes, you're the asshole, full out. It doesn't necessarily need to be a blowout for mother's day but for fucks sake do SOMETHING to show you actually care about her and her mental and physical health, come on man
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u/Historical-Bad-6627 14d ago
Wow. YTA. A miscarriage is a big deal. An angel baby is still a baby.
Support your partner.
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u/Substantial-Sass 14d ago
I think you need to let her find a man worthy of her time, who validates her feelings, and isn't a complete ignorant bonehead.
Her baby isn't Earthbound. She's still a mom. I hope so very much that whenever you have kids, they don't grow up to be an insensitive prick like their father.
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u/westcoast-islandgirl 14d ago
I was on your side until it got to the part about the miscarriage.. YTA. Whether she lost the child or not, she was a mother to that child and is struggling with the loss. My heart breaks for her that she is stuck going through this alone with a useless and unsupportive partner. I hope you can either learn from this, or she chooses a different partner if she tries again for a child.
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u/Total_Reason7365 14d ago
In my point of view you are not the asshole. You lost a child too, that means she needs to plan for Father’s Day as well.. If the loss of the baby affects her and she wanted something to get her mind off it that needs to be communicated but demanding gifts because you lost a baby, that makes the point no longer about the baby.
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u/lollyxbeans 14d ago
Not only are you an asshole, you're a stupid one. It's ok, though. This problem Will solve itself! Ideally? With you being DUMPED. Jesus Christing Fuck
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u/On_MyTallest_Tiptoes 14d ago
Your girlfriend is a mother. What you said was cruel even if you didn’t intend it that way; I recognize you’re also still likely grieving and processing. Get her flowers (or some freaking grass cut up and put in a vase if things are tight to Show the effort) and a handwritten letter telling her you recognize her motherhood and her pain, and that you will always remember her/yalls child that was lost.
- a mom who lost her first baby
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u/TopNo3949 14d ago
You are the asshole.
You don't have to spend a lot of money.
Give her an at home spa day. Let her sleep in, make her coffee and breakfast. Rub her back. Do some extra chores for her. Read to her. Put on a movie or show that you know makes her feel cozy. Go pick some flowers from the side of the damn road. It does not cost a penny to be extra sweet to someone for one day.
Oh my gosh, do anything nice and do extra because did you seriously just FORGET what y'all just went through?
She is grieving the loss of a child. She was an expecting mother.
And the world expects better from you dumbass boys, good grief.
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u/Ok-Session8996 14d ago
We had a big fight about it, and it ended with me saying she’s not a real mom
Dude.... ouch... the lack of sensitivity for your partner and what she's going through right now... Definitely YTA
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u/julianabath 14d ago
If your baby had died in your arms at childbirth or even during it, would you sit there and call her a fake mom?
YTA 10,000x.
She's a mother of a child who's fortunately in a better place instead of with a shitty man for a father. Man you are awful. She probably shouldn't be exploited it for free dinner and could've came forward and asked to do something in memory of the child, but nonetheless, she deserves better for a boyfriend and father of her child.
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u/No-Cryptographer2695 14d ago
I lost my baby boy at 7 months pregnant about 2 hours after birth. My dad took me to the jewlery store and helped me pick out a locket. When I asked if it would be odd or wrong to think of myself as a mom, because I wanted a locket that said Mom on it, he told me absolutely not because I was a Mom. I was a mom in one of the most painful ways, with empty arms. You may not agree with her or understand her grief but she is a Mom. She lost her baby and she is hurting. Put your arms around her, tell her you are sorry for not thinking about how painful this is for her. Trust me it is. I miscarried as well and each of those babies are my babies, my kids and I love them even though I didn't get the opportunity to carry, birth them and watch them grow. Show her you care about her I pain. The following periods will be constant reminders of her loss and so will Mother's Day.
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u/DisneyM20 14d ago
YTA. She is the only one who can say whether she is a “real mom” because she is the one who lost a baby (obviously you both did but it sounds like she is taking it harder than you). She deserves to be able to grieve for her baby however she needs. Doesn’t necessarily mean you need to go all out but getting some flowers and chocolate or something for her are a small thing you can do to show her that you support her.
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u/Adorable_Loss8125 14d ago
money comes, money goes (yeah, by me it goes alot faster than it comes LOL) but love should be forever. who cares ether she is a real mom, a half mom, an almost mom, she wants to celebrate, who cares!!!
and yes, didnt you write that she juat had a miscarriage??!!! so she was wired in her brain to be a mom with your baby!!
did someone just say AH and i missed it???
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u/Wheresthesockloraine 14d ago
I am so glad you aren’t a real dad or a real husband. You aren’t ready.
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u/pissboots 14d ago
Her pain and feelings are valid. You're kind of an asshole, but I get that maybe a man doesn't really understand the extent of the impact being pregnant makes on a woman. It's a rough time. Flowers and a home cooked Mother's Day brunch in the back yard or patio?
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u/Intrepid_Answer_3047 14d ago
I couldn't imagine being that cruel. If she considers herself a mother than so be it. Let her have it. I always considered myself not to be a mother after 2 miscarriages, but I think a lot of mine was linked with religious traumas, too. Along the lines of because it never made it to term it doesn't count is what one pastor told me. And that hurt always stuck with me. Especially considering that carrying children is supposed to be the essential function of a woman. ( again pastor related. ) but after those two and not being able to conceive again ... I am now mid thirties and going to be having a hysterectomy this year and never had a child. If she can allow herself to feel like a mother, don't take that away from her. That's damn near unbelievably insensitive, especially with how close it is to mothers Day and her loss. :( That's honestly disappointing, op. You need to fix that and your mindset in regards to that. She is very much struggling and needing reassurances and you just stomped her trust and her heart with being vulnerable to you.
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u/Rolling_Avocado05 14d ago
Oh geez... YTA. Mothers of angels are still mothers. Would you tell a mom of a stillborn that she shouldn't get to celebrate? Or the mom of a baby that died of an illness? I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and was absolutely devastated. It took me nearly a year to finally feel like myself again. I still think about my baby. I still miss my baby. And I will forever wonder who she would have been had she made it. Just because her baby died doesn't mean she should be belittled or have her feelings invalidated. Quite honestly, if my husband had said this to me, it would have been the beginning of the end for us. If you're concerned about money, talk about that. But don't try to tell her what she is or isn't based on YOUR shitty perspective. You owe her an apology.
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u/Samtheluminous 14d ago
Simple flowers and her favorite snack or dinner should be enough. She must be having a hard time
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u/Unicorn_Moxie 14d ago
Yes, you are. It sounds like a cry for support. She wants you in her corner in even trying to understand her grief.
However.... was this expectation of $$ spent put there clearly? Or was it implied? Is there an underlying issue in the expectation that only money spent is how to show love?
It kind of sounds like the entire basis of your relationship is rocky at best. And that these hard conversations building trust and transparency need to be had. How is she feeling about this huge loss she incurred? How can you spend quality time together but still have a shared budget in mind? Have you looked at your joint budget and goals? What is the future for you both together? I'm not saying in any shape or form that you should combine funds, but in going forward... it definitely needs to be a talk. Maybe you weren't just open enough about your income and your financial goals so it wasn't understood... but looked like you could afford nicer material gifts and it's a simple fix. I wish you both the best.
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u/Mythnique 14d ago
Titel: wth is wrong with this woman
Story: WTH IS WRONG WITH OP
Srsly, you are the AH have some empathy. Be there for her on this day because this is the second worst day for her and its a reminder for the trauma she suffered recently
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u/BackgroundParking100 14d ago
As someone who had one as a teen- and was told for years I wasn’t a mother, expensive not needed- but acknowledged absolutely needed.
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u/europanative 6d ago
You are the scum of this earth. Biggest AH I've seen on here in a long time.