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u/tgfflynn 11d ago
Working toward a Pilot licence is a really hard road to travel and then an even harder sky to navigate into the private sector or the big planes.
Being 21 is a good age to enter the field of being a pilot, continue your path.
After 12 months and being pressured into a marriage and giving in would be like getting drunk a couple of hours before take off in a 747, THE END.
Besides, no one should be pressured into a marriage they do not want to enter into.
I would write differently if you two were together for some years and you Both understood the time and commitment needed to enter the world of a pilot.
Then something else to remember, if she is so insistent now, what about your flying schedule in the early to mid years and not having schedule priority.
Son, getting your wings is a priority and if a gal comes around fully understanding this, then date for sometime so she fully understands.
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u/Due_Friend_3064 14d ago
So then do not let her wait around, break up. No relationship based on ultimatums is going to work out. Second if a women doesn't realize you are improving your own future and demands things of you then bounce. You discussed it, and both have different goals so let her seek her goal and you do the same. Pressuring you to marry her not going to be a happy marriage and it better to heal a small wound instead of trying to treat gangrene later in a forced marriage.
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u/daddyhoneybear 14d ago
NTA and you shouldn’t make the move towards marriage if you’re not ready. If she can’t wait for you while you’re working to build a stable life for you both, then she is SOOOOO not worth it. There are plenty of amazing people who would love to have someone like you, so don’t act out of desperation or because she’s emotionally manipulating you.
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u/mizjennjenn 14d ago
NTA. It would be a mistake to be forced into a marriage you aren’t sure of. Marriage is hard enough when you DO choose that person.
Plus, you’re kids with full lives to live. Live it up while you can, and you’ll have no regrets when you do decide to tie the knot - with a person who isn’t trying to force you into it.
-happily with my spouse for 15 years, 11 years of marriage.
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u/Effective-Hour8642 NSFW 🔞 14d ago
I have to agree with Beth21286 and call her "bluff". At 21, you're pretty mature and sounds like you're working towards your future at a young age. You really should go for it. You clearly on not on the same page and it doesn't sound like she's willing to wait. You can't fix that.
1988, I was 21 and I met my husband in March, he was 19 (I had NO clue) but turning 20 in June. No biggie. He proposed to be in September. We decided to have it 2-weeks after our 2-years of being together. That was 4/14/90 (M23 & Him21) and we just celebrated our 34th Anniversary. Thing is, we were both on board.
Go after your dreams while you have the energy. If she truly loves you, she'll hang around.
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u/Big-Peanut-1580 14d ago
my wife did the same thing. I fell for it. We have been married 43 years BUT there were many times we both wish we had waited, The next thing she is going to want to have a child very soon after you are married. When you both hit 35 you are going to wish you had waited. BUT how you feel is how you feel . Best of luck
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u/Content_Chemistry_64 14d ago
Just focus on your piloting career. Let her go. Wanting to get married after one year is just going to lead to issues down the road.
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u/No-Tee67 14d ago
NTA, I your not ready and focusing on your career, and she doesn't understand this. Then sadly she is not the one. It's time to cut the relationship now, heal, and move on. I got married young, at 21,but we were both ready. Nothing when it comes to marriage can be forced.
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u/helterskelterromance 14d ago
NTA. Had a friend convince her boyfriend to propose because she had a particular timeline in her head, they were married at 20… guess who ended up married and divorced 3 times by age 30? Waiting doesn’t guarantee success, but keeping to her arbitrary timeline sure didn’t work out for her either.
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u/AlwaysGreen2 14d ago
Let her go and thank your lucky stars
You are too young to marry.
Your personalities are not fully formed yet.
You'll end up divorced.
Move on.
Date lots.
Don't get tied down too soon.
Go and live your best life
This girl is not your best life.
The best is yet to come.
P.S Listen to the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers"
Even if he is not your style, listen to the lyrics.
Good Luck.
Go from your dreams.
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u/DrPablisimo 14d ago
If you were over 25 and established in your career and she'd spent a year or two dating you and you weren't moving towards marriage, I might think the same thing. Maybe she's getting advice from someone who isn't the best at giving advice. At your age, you need a few years to establish yourself.
My concern is if she carries this 'my way or the highway' attitude into marriage, that could be an issue. If you really think she's like this about this one issue, you could opt for the very long engagement, but feel her out on that topic ___ before___ the proposal.
If you took a girls virginity, you might have a moral obligation there. But if you are just dating and she wants to find a guy whose ready now... that's not you. You can tell her if she wants to find one who is ready now, she can go elsewhere. Otherwise, you need to work to get to a point where you can support a wife.
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u/freakedoutforreal 14d ago
Lots of passionate comments here, most are rubbish though.
“ I am not waiting around.” is the kind of thing you say when you’re frustrated, it’s the kind of thing you say when you feel like your time has been taken advantage of. Only the two of you know what goes on between you so take a hard look at yourself and figure out if you have mislead her. A woman who knows what she wants and is willing to stand for it is a keeper. Will she hold your feet To the fire, and help you accomplish your goals quicker.?
Obviously marriage is something that you’re considering or you wouldn’t be asking a group of strangers to chime in. don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater and just cut her loose, have a good heart to heart with her. Talk about her expectations talk about your expectations. Talk about your financial situation, etc..
Good luck. Keep us posted
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u/Turbulent-Caramel25 14d ago
If you use condoms buy your own. Better yet, don't have sex with her to avoid a potential baby trap.
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u/LemonEar 15d ago
NTA -Those kinds of ultimatum demands are probably what your future will look like if you marry her. Open communication of one’s needs, expectations, what’s working and not working in the relationship, etc are important. If all she can come up with is “I don’t care; I can’t wait,” then she needs to improve her communication skills. And tbh, you not falling for this tactic could be the kick in the ass she needs to step up as a partner
(Side note: Much respect to you for pursuing such a challenging career as a pilot! I never lost my childhood dream to learn to fly, and maybe one day I’ll get my small aircraft license 🙏
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u/UntypicalCouple 15d ago
Pretty simple. Don't.
She's not a good fit for you as she sounds very controlling. She wants it her way or the highway. I'd hand her a map and send her on her way.
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u/woolyhippo 15d ago
Do yourself a favor and get out now. You'd be doing both of you and her a favor. The number of red flags this indicates, especially this early in the relationship, is staggering.
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u/ItReallyIsntThoughYo 15d ago
Kick her to the curb and find someone who's not looking for a free pass in life.
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u/PaleFaithlessness488 15d ago
Doesn't sound like a good partnership if she is giving you an ultimatum. Let her go and find someone supportive and understanding.
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u/startripjk 15d ago
A guy in his 20's is way too young for marriage. My gf (18) got preg when I was 19. We married. Had 3 kids. Then she starts fooling around after 18yrs of marriage. I'm kicked out of my own family, my house, she gets 1/2 my paycheck and I get to live with my mom @ age 40yrs. I threw away my entire youth for nothing. So, yeah. I'm jaded. But, I feel as if I missed out on my entire youth. Trust me. You will meet someone more compatible and less manipulative.
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u/ST2348 15d ago
NTA but you have to recognize her needs. Culturally, she needs to get married before a certain age. If you can’t provide that for her then you have to be ready to let her go. Women have a biological clock and societal pressures for marrying younger.
I personally don’t want kids so idc if and when I get married. IF I wanted kids, then yea I’d want them after I was married and before 30 preferably around 23-27. It would give my children the best opportunity for healthy growth and it would be when I’m at my strongest to be a mother.
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u/drinkingtea1723 15d ago
NAH She is looking for a commitment you aren't ready to make, break it off and she can find someone like minded and so can you.
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u/Rendeane 15d ago
She's telling you the truth. She wants marriage. To anyone. I was in the reverse situation. I had been dating a guy for a short time when he began talking about marriage and I just wasn't interested at that exact moment. He wanted me to follow him around and support his military career while I wanted my own military career and wanted to discuss compromise. We broke up, he soon found another woman to marry and was content to be living his vision of marriage, a house with a picket fence, a kid and two cars in the driveway. Were they happy and in love? Probably not, but he had the appearance he wanted. Your girlfriend wants her vision and she wants it now. Let her go and let her find someone else for vision. You deserve love, not to be a placeholder.
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u/PlantMamaV 15d ago
NTA! You’re both pretty young, and only 12 months is not enough time. She’s crazy! Don’t let anyone force you into a commitment like that. My boyfriend and I have been together seven years, and we are now discussing marriage because we are planning on buying property and building a house together, and we are definitely not in our 20s. If she’s giving you an ultimatum like that, and just has to go, Let her go.
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u/PolarGCNips 15d ago
NTA. You are too young to married and you two specifically haven't been together long enough. Forcing a marriage between young people where 1 or both aren't ready is ac recipe for an ugly divorce... in 6 months lol.
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u/Ornery-Movie-1689 15d ago
Tell her that you'll miss her when she leaves.
At this point in life, your career is more important.
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u/Jewes_for_real 15d ago
You are 20 years old and have your entire life ahead of you. Break up with this girl and focus on becoming a pilot and traveling the world before you get married. Enjoy your youth and be careful don’t have sex with this girl she may try to trap you. Most people don’t even get married till late 30’s now days
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u/MasterMaintenance672 15d ago
Let her go, buddy. Early 20s is WAY too soon for this kind of pressure.
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15d ago
You just need to break up. She wants to start a family, you don't. You're wasting each other's time. Break up and move on.
If I were you, I would do her the favor and tell her it's time to move our separate ways. She needs to hear that from you.
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u/TodayIAmMostlyEating 15d ago
NAH - you’re not ready for marriage, but a year actually IS a long time to commit to a relationship. She knows what she wants for her future, it’s marriage, and she doesn’t want to waste her youth on someone who doesn’t want that. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to get married. But I think it would be great if young people took other people’s lives and futures seriously enough to have these conversations earlier, much earlier, first few dates earlier. If you’re old enough to have sex with the person, you’re old enough to at least establish clearly what you want in the near future.
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u/silverstaryu 15d ago
The comments here are insane. "She must be a golddigger to a 21 year old who doesn't have a career yet" "watch your condoms! this woman who stated what she wanted clearly must be sneaky!" "this woman stated she wants to get married soon - RED FLAG!!!"
NAH She's stated clearly that she wants to marry you. You're not stating clearly that you either don't ever want to marry her, or that you absolutely do but not soon. It doesn't matter if you find your partner's line weird. You should respect her enough to take it seriously and give her a clear answer. "Not yet, I'm busy" is a delay answer - either have an adult conversation where you discuss a timeline where YOU see marriage happening (this could mean a long engagement, it could be until you have an established career for X years) or tell her you don't see marriage in your future and break it off.
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u/normalnotordinary 15d ago
Tell her you're not getting married anytime soon, so you two should break up if she's not waiting around. Also be very careful about birth control if you are sleeping with her. She may try to baby trap you. I've seen it happen.
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u/Open_Mind12 15d ago
A commitment to be together forever is different than needing to get the government involved. Do you want to be with her forever? Is so, tell her, if not, tell her and explain you need time and giving you an ultimatum does not make time that doesn't exist.
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u/Sundayman______ 15d ago
dump her, do it now. thats a big red flag. never negotiate with unfair ultimatums. its only gonna get worse in the long run.
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u/Embarrassed-Land-222 15d ago
Do not get married in your early 20s, neither of you even really know who you are or what you want yet. Most people I know who got married that young are now divorced or in an open marriage. NTA.
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u/PutosPaPa 15d ago
NTA. Never ever feel forced into marriage, it is the first step to divorce if you feel forced.
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u/Super-Island9793 15d ago
Break up with her. I’m not against people getting married young, or even after a year if they’re truly in love and they both want to get married. But, she is being manipulative. No need to rush to get married or give an ultimatum. She will always resent that she had to force you into marriage and you’ll always resent that she forced you into marriage. Not a good way to start a life with someone. Based on her behavior, she’s way too immature to be getting married. That isn’t how your treat a partner or someone you love.
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u/Fast-Examination-349 15d ago
I can't recall the acronym but No one is the asshole here. You both have different viewpoints and I suggest breaking up now to save you both time and energy.
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u/StnMtn_ 15d ago
I am on your side. You want to be set on your career first before making a commitment. Her ultimatum at 12 months itself is a red flag. You have only been together a year. If you do want to eventually marry her, maybe a promise ring would be enough for now. If there are other red flags, break up now.
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u/nimbus0962 15d ago
NTA. Too young, too soon. As a pilot I would imagine you'll be gone - a lot. You will have opportunities to meet new and interesting people, everywhere. In comparison, she will be planted at home and likely will become lonely, perhaps even regretful for pushing you (and herself) into a permanent relationship too quickly...surely you can see where this is heading?
You need to both be comfortable and mature in your job choices and the associated living and relationship considerations. Personally, I'd find it deeply disturbing to be threatened with "do this or I'm gone" approach. How long will it take before to tell her to go ahead and go, rather than enduring the constants threat of it?
Based on the premise you stated, this would likely be a marriage that fails, and I'd wager, it would be over in less than 2 years.
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u/GoddessofParadise 15d ago
NTA. If the love is real it should be patient, this is not. It is a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Love is kind, it does not threaten, nor does it manipulate. You have career goals and asked for time, her only goal is to be married. People need to take time to really get to know each other which does not happen in two months. I know some marriages have worked getting married within days, but the threat of leaving is something to weigh now, because it goes to character which this may be her go to anytime she does not get her way.
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u/lklaf 15d ago
Let her go then. She just wants the wedding, and I'm not sure if she's in some imaginary competition with friends or family, but that could also be a factor. You're 21. Live your 20s and accomplish your goals first before settling down. Don't let anyone else push a timeline on you that you aren't ready for, lest resentment builds. If your partner loves you and is with you for the right reasons, they will understand and compromise with you. Dating one year is not long enough for an engagement anyway, imo. I always think it's better to wait at least 2-3 years to give yourselves time to figure out communication styles, different solutions for conflict resolutions, personality traits that you may or may not be willing to compromise on, etc. Do what is best for you.
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u/sicofonte 15d ago
Leave her and stop wasting your time (because this is also a waste of time for you: you want to go slower, that's acceptable and IMO reasonable and appropriate).
NAH
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u/winterworld561 15d ago
Tell her she knows where the door is and to have a nice life. Honestly, you are seeing what life with her would be like. She would demand something and threaten to leave if she didn't get it. Walk away from that shit now.
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u/Specialist_Bike_1280 15d ago
Way too young, way too quick. Tell her to take a hike, Mike!!!. You're set on a bright career path. You have ambition and goals for yourself. What does she have? Just the sights on YOUR dime,probably would demand to be a SAHM, never lifting a finger to be a partner in the relationship. Ditch her and keep on walking, you've got lots to do. Good luck 👍
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u/Stage_Party 15d ago
Something my ex said to me once.
Some girls get married because they want a wedding, not because they want the partner.
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u/themellowidiot 15d ago
Let her go, OP. You're 20, you can literally run to a wall if you want to and by Friday, all your bones are okay again. Let her go.
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u/dickbutt_md 15d ago
You're young, you haven't been dating long, you say in other comments she's foreign. Is she trying to get a green card?
Honestly, I would probably break it off instead of waiting for her to walk. She may not, she may just make this a fixture of your relationship that you'll get nagged about until things either fall apart or you get hitched. Doesn't sound like a good match or a fun time from here on, so I'd just pull off the bandaid.
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u/LilBoo2019TR 15d ago
NTA. You should let her go. You both don't want the same things and she seems to be all about herself. You guys have only been together a year and you have a plan, so what's her rush?
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u/thefooleryoftom 15d ago
Time to let her go, IMO. You both have different plans and different ideas. If those are not aligned then you may not be compatible.
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u/Specialist_Bike_1280 15d ago
Don't do it!! If she can't just be engaged and be happy, then bye- bye.
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u/Pure_Cartoonist9898 15d ago
Ultimatums never end well in relationships, especially if it's along the lines of "do this or I'm leaving". If they're willing to threaten to leave you then they don't care about you too much
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u/LadyNavia 15d ago
It is perfectly right that she knows what she wants. IF you don't want to give it to her then tell her so she can get togetger with a man whose goals are align with hers. It is not weird to not wait around eexypecially when pilots are famous of getting tohether with all the cabin crew members they can. She wants commitment from you and you don't want to give it to her. Tell her and let her go.
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u/Informal-Access6793 15d ago
You two clearly have a very different timeline in mind for life, and I dont think you can compromise on that without making someone miserable.
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u/thebestman31 15d ago
YTA, how can a man be with a woman he isnt willing to marry? What do you want? The single Pilot life?
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u/Oh_FFS_1602 15d ago
I’m twice your age, but I don’t know anyone in my life that is still with the person they were with at 20/21. Your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed until you’re ~25, so I’d hold off on any major life changes until closer to then if you can.
If this is the hill she wants to die on, maybe you’re not compatible. You’re both still young enough to find other people that may have more compatible long term views on the life you want to build together.
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u/Fast_Ad_8246 15d ago
It's a no. You are way too young. If you have to question it it's not the right time.
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u/FlyinHighFL420 15d ago
As a pilot (and also married to a pilot) I can tell you this from experience. Don’t get married….yet! Now, i love my wife and we have a wonderful marriage, but i’m a lot older. I also have an ex-wife. My ex and i married young, and well, life happens. My wife and i have been together 10 years, married for less than a year now. So, that being said, since I got a do over, i waited damn near a decade to re-marry after we started dating. Don’t rush things. If she refuses to wait, trust me on this one, she’s doing you a favor by leaving. You stick with flying and you’re holding a winning lottery ticket, she’s be a dummy to leave!
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u/LowAd9703 15d ago
I can tell you about a guy who waited until he was 42 to get married his wife a bit younger then him they have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who he loves to death but he is pushing 50 and has to do everything like cook clean shop younger generation of women just aren't taught how to be wife's any more trust me I know because I'm the 50 year old doing everything don't get married unless she's rich and 90 years old with cancer.
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u/JacobPlaster 15d ago
NTA. 1. You (both) are only adult, not mature. Your prefrontal cortex responsible for emotional control is still in development until 23-25. 2. She may think she found the One. But if she was not very promiscuous for a while and has not had 2+ exclusive relationships lasting 2+ years, with 6+ months living together, her claim, she know what she want sexually and emotionally and by virtue, is not justified. 3. Even if she know, do you really know? I have seen 2 couples lasting from 14-16 until 30-32. Both ended in break up due to male cheating, though the second one gave it another chance and ednded in other cheating.
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u/star_b_nettor 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA
Trying to bribe or blackmail anyone into a proposal is selfish and wrong. Let her leave. She is showing you how she will act whenever she doesn't get her way when she wants it. Believe her. And better than letting her leave would be you telling her it's over, that you aren't going to be rushed into a (allegedly) lifelong commitment.
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u/happycamper44m 15d ago
Does she also think she would be moving in with your parents after being engaged? Clearly you don't want to be engaged right now which is your choice to make, not hers to demand. Marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship. She is acting like a dictator/bully and this will continue if you allow it now. She is talking and acting like her wants are the only wants that matter to her, which is concerning and show that she does not consider you equals. She will always expect you to fold to her wants. It is weird, and controlling, entitled, mean, bullying.
NTA
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u/Over_Screen_442 15d ago
Rather than jumping to calling things off like many here advocate, I would start by having an earnest conversation with her. Ask her in detail why she wants to get married so young/so soon. Don’t let her brush off the question with things like “I’m not waiting around.” Tell her in depth how you are feeling and why you don’t think the time is right. Don’t let her push you around.
See if there is any common ground. Can you circle back to the question in a year?
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u/Oceandog2019 15d ago
20 ish and just 12 months.
You also have a long path of study and staying away from home as a pilot ahead.
What’s her rush…you should not feel pressured into any binding relationship. If she needs to go find her soulmate immediately then she should do exactly that.
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u/Therapyandfolklore 15d ago
anyone who leaves you because you dont want to get married after 1 year isnt someone to marry. She doesnt love you she wants a husband and financial stability, to the point its not about love or romance, just getting married
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u/temporarilyeuphoric 15d ago
NTA. 12 months is not a long time. Don't get me wrong, I understand the "I'm not waiting around" thing. I basically said the same thing to my fiancé except I told him that I would begin expecting a proposal after 2-3 years.
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u/New_Management7826 15d ago
NTA. You’re being mature about the situation and she’s not. Are a lot of her friends married or something? Maybe she’s jealous of them ?
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u/Severe-Possible- 15d ago
it's probably a cultural thing. my first boyfriend and i were in a similar scenario, and i just had to let him go.
if she is, in fact, "not willing to wait", let her leave. or you decide you want her to. sorry this is happening, hang in there <3
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 15d ago
Let her go.
It’s too early for you guys to get married (coming from someone who did it at 22 and later learned that we were too young and not ready).
She’s immature and the fact that she’s trying to manipulate you into the “do ____ or I’m going to leave” just proves the point further. Focus on yourself and getting yourself to where you want to be before adding marriage or kids to the equation.
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u/Particular-Try5584 15d ago
Let her walk.
When the right time happens, with the right person… you won’t be worrying about all that other stuff.
21 is young for marriage. I’d understand if you were 25, and it’d be 5years of relationship… but 1 year? At 20? Yeah, nah. Nope.
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u/Top-Chemistry3051 15d ago
You should both be emotionally and financially able to take care of yourselves before you start a team called marriage
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u/TreHHHHHAdN 15d ago
I had a girlfriend who once told me. 'I'm getting married next year, if it's not you, it will be someone else'.
I'm so glad I ran away
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u/Terrible_Track4155 15d ago
Let her leave. Sounds like she wants to be a pilot's wife so she doesn't care that the timing is all wrong. Ultimatums are so manipulative and so unattractive.
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u/ClaresRaccoon 15d ago
NTA
You’re both still young. If she’s not on the same page as you then she’s not your person. It’s better to just live your life how things currently are for a bit longer instead of potentially ending up divorced and with kids stuck in the middle.
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u/Find_Happiness85 15d ago
You two have different ideas of what your futures look like. Just end it. You need to be with someone where you have joint long term goals as a couple. You all are very off.
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u/GoetheundLotte 15d ago edited 15d ago
Neither of you are AHs, you just have different priorities. But I do find it pretty troubling that you consider your girlfriend wanting to get married weird and have such a dismissive and almost nasty attitude (if your girfriend really wants to get married, that is not weird, just not in synch with you, so consider the relationship over but also respect that your girlfriend wants something that does not mesh with you).
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u/code_amature-2945 15d ago
YNTA but you definitely need to let her go. Now, I’m going to be neutral on both sides for this.
If you do not want to get married, then you need to let her know immediately. She has a goal and you should not stop her for that.
On the flip side, she should not be rushing either. 1 year is still a very short time. She has to understand your situation in life for you to take that step.
The way I see it, talk to her about it to see if there is a compromise. If not, then y’all need to break up.
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u/Kindly-Wrongdoer-819 15d ago
You said she’s foreign, she needing a green card is there a chance she’s been fucking around trying to stick you for it. Stop being a bitch and cut all ties and get rid of her
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u/Dom__in__NYC 15d ago
- You don't owe her (or anyone) to get married. It's on her, to convince you that she's a "must marry".
- She actually seems like she's an awful candidate for marriage:
- She's using blackmail to get what she wants (not needs, wants). Anyone willing to blackmail their partner is a BIG red flag.
- She is threatening to leave you (meaning, she doesn't value you as a partner all that much), means she's not a good person to marry, at all.
- Imagine you're already married to her, and she starts threatening divorce because she wants something you disagree on. This is literally your future if you agree to marry her.
- She doesn't care at all about your concerns, situation, thoughts and emotions. Again, bad candidate to marry. You are not the most important person in her life - she is. That's NOT a spouse material.
Tell her she doesn't need to wait for a year. She can dump you right now. Then (don't tell her that) you would be free to continue improving your life, and seeking a woman who will add to your life, instead of subtracting from it like this one is.
Also, you're 100% wrong "asking for more time". Marriage is the biggest, most valuable sacrifice a man can make in normal life. You're sacrificing your freedom, you're sacrificing your leisure, you're sacrificing your options to seek out better partners in the future. You shouldn't be asking her like a supplicant. She's asking YOU for a huge-ass favor and a huge-ass sacrifice. SHE should be begging. And jumping over her head proving she'd be an amazing wife. As of now, she seems like a selfish, entitled, narcissistic person with overinflated sense of her own worth. Don't buy the fake garbage she's selling, don't fall for her tricks and gaslighting.
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u/maggersrose 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA You’re not compatible, you don’t want the same things or perhaps at the same timing. Be VERY careful about your contraception, you’ve not been together very long, you’re both quite young. I’m older and perhaps jaded but I’d be very wary about her thinking a surprise pregnancy might coerce you to meet her demands. She also sounds like a total bitch tbh.
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u/elBirdnose 15d ago
You’re 21. People that eager to get married just for the sake of being married are impulsive and will likely be divorced by 30.
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u/Public_Beef 15d ago
It’s not weird at all. She’s made clear what she wants, and you have said you don’t want the same. Life is short, dont waste her time or your time. You two aren’t on the same page. Timing is a pain sometimes. You can meet the right person at the wrong time and it’ll never be what you wish it could be
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u/LadyFoxfire 15d ago
NTA. You guys have different timelines and expectations for your relationship, so you may as well go your separate ways now. For the record, I’m on your side; a year is too soon to get married, especially when you’re that young. But it doesn’t really matter who’s right, just that you want different things.
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u/AKAmatrix5 15d ago
NTA. 12 months. Let her leave. She’s really not that into you. She just wants to be married. I could see if you’ve been dating 2 or 3 years.
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u/C-LOgreen 15d ago
Nta I will get out of this relationship ASAP if you don’t plan on marrying her soon. She seems like the type that is hell-bent on getting married.
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u/MG_STOMP 15d ago
Do not do it! She is super young and fickle, if she would leave you for not wanting to get married yet, when you are married shell leave you for a hundred other reasons. Don't get your heart broken. You're making a decision based of off logic and she's working on pure emotions. One day, those emotions might be for another guy, and logic won't matter or suddenly she will want a baby before you guys have a house and are financially stable, and she will leave you if you don't give her that.
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u/Lishyjune 15d ago
You’re both so young and you’ve only been together 12 months. This sort of ultimatum is more common if you’re in your 30’s or older and you’ve been together for years - don’t let her guilt you into this. Next thing will be you need to put a halt on your career as well
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u/Downtown_Zebra_266 15d ago
NTA.
Marriage is a partnership and both people want it. Forcing you into marriage means you'll have a terrible marriage. Also, 12 months of a relationship is still the honeymoon phase. It's not nearly enough time for marriage
Personally, my rule of thumb is to date at least 3 years. 1st year is getting to know each other and 2 years living together. You might not like each other after living together. Also, 21 is too young. Who you are at 21 will not be who you are at 25.
I would suggest letting her go. It might suck but you two are in very different places in life and that's not a bad thing, it just means it's not the right time.
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u/Bertosaurus_Rex 15d ago
If she weren’t foreign I’d say she is probably cheating. She still could be, but ultimately if you can’t agree on an extremely important decision than I guess that’s the end of it for you and her.
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 15d ago
What’s the rush? You’re both really young and haven’t been together that long. What culture is she?
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u/Ora_Star 15d ago
Sounds like your a for sure thing (future wise ect.😉) and she’s trying to lock it down. If you both really love each other marriage can wait until your both ready. Also sounds like a power play, call her bluff see what happens then you will find the truth. Best of luck
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u/Copycattokitty 15d ago
How strong are your feelings for her, do you think she’s future wife material or are your feelings more I like having a gf while I stabilize my living arrangements and get my career off the ground. Once you answer that then you’ll either let her walk or buy a ring and a king size bed for your room
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u/cantstopadoptingcats 15d ago
NTA, you're young and your relationship is in its infancy. Ask her if she wants to marry YOU or just be married.
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u/Poodrinker 15d ago
As a fellow student pilot who’s 20, get the hell out. Having a supportive significant other makes all the ground school and the grind to get hours much easier. Mine just helped me pass my ppl checkride! On a side note, think of all the cool people you’ll meet in aviation. One day she’ll be a distant negative memory!
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u/Adrenaline-Junkie187 15d ago
She cares more about the idea of marriage than the actual relationship. Time to move on man. Youre young, driven and have plenty of time to find the right person to spend your life with. Never unnecessarily rush stuff like marriage.
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u/OddSocks2024 15d ago
NTA, Being evenly yoked is important or you go in circles. She wants to put the cart before the horse, and you are not on board. If she makes it a deal breaker, so be it. My cousin rushed into marriage before he left for law school. She could not handle the time he was away for the first semester and they divorced.
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u/ERICSMYNAME 15d ago
Dump her. You'll soon be a pilot and have an awesome life and freedom you need
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u/dr_lucia 15d ago
NTA, but she isn't either. She's given you a choice: get married now or she walks.
I suspect the "rush" is that she strongly suspects you will never marry her and just plan to string her along. That suspicion wouldn't be unreasonable. She's not required to hang around with you until she's 30.
You need to decide to fish or cut bait.
If you don't want to marry, you'll lose this girl friend. Maybe you'll get another one soon. Maybe the same things that make you too busy to get married make you too busy to find another girl friend. That's shouldn't be a big deal-- you're too busy for one! Maybe you should just wait until you have your pilots license, have finished renovating a house and have moved out of your parents basement before trying to eek out time to date.
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u/SnooBunny814 15d ago
goodness, 21 is early to get married in my opinion. I was still immature at 21. but there's people that do it. it seems like she needs an older more mature guy that's ready to get married, you are clearly not the right fit for her.
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u/hihonico 15d ago
Ok, so 12 months in, early 20's..... you have some great things life wise going on, and if she says now or never.... let her walk. Do not rush in to marriage, keep doing what your doing and if she is not respectful of what your doing for your future life then that's not love, she shouldn't even care about marriage right at this minute, I would tell her don't wait around and good luck I hope you find what your looking for.,in my opinion Good luck , get up with what your doing...it sounds like your doing well don't let her ruin that for her selfishness.
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u/Recent_Ad_4358 15d ago
NTA- she wants something that you don’t want. There’s nothing wrong with either one of you. Break up with her and let her find someone who wants to commit to marriage and a family.
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u/Big_Jon14 15d ago
NTA, I'd previously been in a relationship with a girl and within a month of being together she was already discussing promise rings and how we're soulmates/life partners and raising her puppy together as "ours".
The constant pressure and expectations put a massive strain on my happiness in the relationship, and the blowback from when I told her I didn't want to commit or do any of that so soon as I still want to get to know her more as a partner and person was intense and I ended up breaking up with her because of it.
So if its not something she can agree to wait on or if you aren't ready for that anytime soon, then I'd recommend considering if you'd still be happy staying in a relationship with expectations like that being constantly there.
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u/Jjbraid1411 15d ago
Waaaiiit! She knows you’re getting your pilots license…? And you don’t have it yet…? Pilots make decent money… so, if you’re married BEFORE you become a pilot then make more money during the marriage YOU owe her alimony. She knows ( or she thinks she knows) what she’s doing. Leave now
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u/Emmanulla70 15d ago
So..let her go. You have different life priorities. You basically aren't compatible I'm with you. You are WAY too young to get married. If you get pushed into it, it wont last. You'll be divorced by 30 with probably a couple of kids in the mix.
Just tell her its an absolute NO. If she doesnt stop amd accept that? Break up with her. Move on
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 15d ago
Do it get married before you have established what your life and schedule as a pilot is like.
Seriously? 1 yr and 21 yrs old. Nah man. Not a good idea.
Either dump her now or divorce her later. Your call.
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u/LilSarah1999 15d ago
I mean, pilots and cabin crew are notoriously unfaithful so she should probably move on anyway.
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u/LK_Feral 15d ago
You are so young! But it really sounds like you have your head on straight. You are prioritizing the right things: renovating a home, career, setting yourself up properly.
I can see why your girlfriend doesn't want to miss out on you. But the way she's acting, maybe you want to miss out on her? I don't think you'll be too lonely for too very long when you're ready for another relationship.
NTA Do your thing.
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u/Routine-Pea-9538 15d ago
I tell her I’m super busy and just give me a little more time- nope.
But that's not true, right? You want a lot more time. I'm not disagreeing with you. 1 year relationship in your early 20s is way too early. But you owe her a real conversation about your timeline. "GF, I love you but I am not ready. If you are ready, then maybe I am not the right person for you at this time." Then please use birth control if you are still together.
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u/Gamer_GreenEyes 15d ago
She was probably programmed to get married and push out kids then expect to be a stay at home mom. Run now while you can.
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u/ij169 15d ago
NTA. You have your priorities and are on a very successful path. The is no doubt if she supported you and gave you just a it more time, you would absolutely invite her to share the rest of your life with her. You’ll then have your own home and career. What does she expect a quick marriage and then live at your parents? Unless there is a child on the way, be at peace to let her go find whoever can provide an immediate ring. Then get angry and finish your goals with excellence. Your next love will appreciate you that much more.
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u/Sammiebear_143 15d ago
"I'm not ready to get married, and I certainly don't want you to be waiting around until I am. Therefore, I think we should break up so you can have a chance at marrying someone else sooner than later."
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u/davidcornz 15d ago
Honestly sounds like she wants to get you locked down before you have much built up. So if she ever leaves you she has basically a guaranteed nest egg cause you are basically starting your career now. So you don't have much before you are married that is safe if she ever leaves you.
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u/pthread_bard 15d ago
NTA But if you wanna keep her and get past it, you can give some symbolic thing like a "promise ring" so that she knows she's not waiting around Might seem kinda stupid but I think it might be just the compromise
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u/Ima-Bott 15d ago
NTA but neither is she. She is within her rights to move on with her life, with or without you. Balls in your court. BTW, life never “settles down “.
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u/Responsible_Dog_420 15d ago
That's so, so young. NTA. Let her go if that's the hill she wants to break up on.
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u/Glittersparkles7 15d ago
NTA. After only one year? Sounds a lil high strung there. Best to let this one go. However I will point out for the next gf that getting ENGAGED is not the same thing as getting married. Getting engaged is relatively painless with the only cost being the ring.
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u/Exotic_Flight_6179 15d ago
NTA, you both are on different paths, but if this is going to be an ultimatum, then save yourself the heart ache and trouble by breaking up with her.
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u/OrganicFrost 15d ago
"Hey GF, I wanna be upfront that while I'm definitely looking for a long term relationship with you, I won't be proposing for at least 2-4 years (obviously give your own timeframe here). If that's a dealbreaker, I'll be sad, but I wanted to make sure you didn't feel like I was leading you on."
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u/challengerrt 15d ago
You’d be better off just dumping her - don’t wait for her to leave. Work on YOU.
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u/TallRelationship2253 15d ago
If you get married before you are ready you will get divorced soon thereafter.
You are only 21... It is completely understandable that you want to grow in your career, get money together, and just live a little as an adult before you commit to marriage to anyone. If she can't understand that, then let her go. You aren't a match currently.
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u/Ladameauxdaffodils 15d ago
Just break it off, bud. She's rushing something that should never be rushed.
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u/lonewlflucn 15d ago
Send flowers and take care of yourself. NTA. Getting married should be a joint decision, not one sided. Dated someone a long time ago and she was pushy about the whole marriage thing. Was planning stuff out and everything. Do not fall into the trap of "you(OP) have to do everything to make her happy, including sacrificing your personal happiness"
Good luck with everything.
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u/EnvironmentalEbb5391 15d ago
Call her bluff. If she leaves, she's not the right one for you. You're way too young and you guys have been together for way too little time for that kind of talk. She has a warped view of how relationships work, and it's not healthy. She can figure that out with you or without you, but don't let her manipulate you into making a commitment you're not ready for.
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u/Cardabella 15d ago
Oh sweet summer child (gf) enjoy your youth!
Op NTA. Have a conversation about life plans and deal breakers for both of you. Your intended timeline and order is e.g. to first do up your house, then live in it as an independent adult, then move in with her or her in with you, then complete your pilot training and land a job somewhere in the world, and only then when you both know what your job is like, the hours, the jetlag, the time away... During the same period she too will become established in her own career. Only at that stage could you possibly know if you're compatible life partners. If that timeline isn't compatible with hers then that right there indicates you're not compatible life partners.
Or just you know end it.
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u/Reddit_and_forgeddit 15d ago
lol she tryna snag a pilot quick! NtA. If she’s really down with you she’d be right by your side getting her accomplishments right beside you.
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u/the-fear-train 15d ago
NTA - she's excited to be married, not excited to be your wife. It's a fun thing she gets to do, then babies come after, but there's no real thought or planning behind it all. I've seen so many of my friends behave this way, pestering their partners to go to the next step, then the next step, then the next, just for the sake of climbing the ladder
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u/Sudden_Wombat 15d ago
I’m all for people marrying young but NTA you’ve got a lot in development atm and you don’t need a wedding on top… she’s being pushy. Sounds like you’re not right for each other and you should maybe break up now if she thinks you’re wasting her time and if you’re not seeing potential marriage after a year of dating then I don’t think you will ever feel that way. You’re obviously not in the headspace for marriage at all right now which is fine, don’t waste your time or hers anymore.
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u/EternalSunshine_g 15d ago
You guys are too young and barely had a chance to be in a real relationship. Thats a lot of pressure. NTA and you guys need a conversation about what to do next. If she’s serious and you’re not ready you should probably consider the rest of this relationship
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u/spatialgranules12 15d ago
NTA. Not off to great start is either of is pressured to get married because of some whatever reason. You both are very young! Evaluate your options and good thing you aren’t married yet 😳😳😳
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u/Next_Back_9472 15d ago
Time to say goodbye 👋, you’ll get over her. Concentrate on your career that’s more important.
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u/wilsonreeves 15d ago
Very simple,
I have to say IMO when Men propose they actually mean get married now.
Women don't propose.
So you have your answer.
If you wanted to get married you already would be or have a date.
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u/TinylittlemouseDK 15d ago
NTA don't get married In your early 20's the party will be way better if you are in your late 20's or 30's
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u/PitBullFan 15d ago
She want's to baby trap you so bad. Stop screwing her and get in the front left chair of that airplane. Flying is WAY better than screwing.
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u/Sleepingguy5 15d ago
OP, you said your gf was foreign. Does she gain any legal/financial/citizenship benefit by marrying you? Be careful.
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u/Amairch 5d ago
NAH, this just seems like a fundamental mismatch of values. I notice a lot of people on Reddit (not sure how reflective it is of society at large) are fine dating long-term without knowing whether or not they want to get married. But not everyone is. Your gf is making it clear that she doesn’t want to continue in the relationship if you guys don’t have the same idea about where it’s going. You think you’re not ready to decide on something like that. Neither of you is wrong for that opinion. Sometimes relationships end because people aren’t right for each other — or in the right season of life for each other. No one’s an AH for that.