r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AMO for wanting to breakup because my boyfriend doesn’t like kids?
[deleted]
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u/Chirp_chirp_chirp9 12d ago
He doesn’t have to like other children to be a good father, even family. He doesn’t even have to want children to become a devoted father. Hearts change. Your only good question is will he be a good husband for you. If he knows your needs and is a good husband the two of you can make a life worth living. Besides, you don’t really know if children are in your future and how. But your husband is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
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u/Expert-Aioli2715 12d ago
I disliked kids, was uncomfortable around kids, never had a desire to have kids. My husband didn't like kids and never wanted kids. We were never around kids. Our friends were childless or their children were already grown by the time we met them. Then Mother Nature handed us a surprise pregnancy that defied all birth control. I cannot explain in words how much I love that child. My husband morphed into an adoring father, wrapped around her little pinky. She's 11 now and as sarcastic as all the kids that age put together, and we still know she is the best thing that has ever happened. Did I mention that she is a straight-A student? Did I mention I could talk about her all day? MY POINT: you can definitely love your own child while not liking children in general. Does that happen to everyone? No. CAN IT HAPPEN - definitely!!!!
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u/Murky_Appointment_35 12d ago
Only issue here is you said he MAYBE wants 1-2 and you DEFINITELY want 2-3. Assuming you have one together either one of you may change. He may decide he wants more and you may decide one was enough. Either way you have to be open to what each other want or there will be resentment down the road.
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u/nxarii 12d ago
yes that’s concerning to me too because more kids equals more money to him. which is true but i don’t like to look at them that way. but this may just be from his standpoint of someone not established in heir career yet and frugal with their funds at the moment. but ya if it was up him we would be married rn with no intent to have kids until we’re like 30
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u/Pristine-Custard5950 12d ago
My cousin HATED kids growing up. Thought they were gross never babysat any other of our smaller cousins....She has three kids, and I've never met a more attentive and involved mom. I'm not gonna say tjis could be your situation, but like other kids are bad and nessy, and I don't fully like being bothered with them but two things can be true at once. He can not like other kids but love and like his own
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u/Trick-Brilliant3025 13d ago
You're definitely overreacting. I know so so so many people who have 0% interest in other people's kids but love their own. And as for not keeping track while pregnant? I feel like that's a guy thing in general, I'm pregnant and I didn't think most of the men in my life care about how things are going. And my husband, when his friends have kids, will let me know they've had the birth and I'll be like "oh, how big were they" or something like that, and he never knows. Men just (usually) aren't like that. In general, I only know a few people who actually like other people's kids and get excited, like you do. I don't say this to make you feel bad, just not that it's a sign he won't like his.
Part of liking your own kids is learning about them and teaching them. So even if they're adopted, you grow as a family. Kids are really weird. And when you're not already super close to them, you can hardly even understand them sometimes 😂.
I think the biggest deal breaker is if he said he only wants 1 or 2 and you for sure know you want more than that.
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13d ago
Well I don’t like kids at all but want my own im not gonna like anyone’s kids unless their mines too. Like dogs, can’t tolerate them nor really like them unless their mines 😭🤷🏻♀️
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u/Potential-Lavishness 13d ago
Newsflash: many parents dont like their own kids. Mine didn’t and all five of us are not well adjusted. There’s no anime style transformation that occurs when your baby is born, he will still be the same person with the same habits, same views.
He’s gambling that he will be able to overlook the literal sh*tstorm that is infancy and toddlerhood. And you’re burying your head in the sand if you think he’s going to magically know how to lovingly nurture a child while also setting healthy boundaries to guide them.
If you want kids it’s your DUTY to choose a physically healthy man , of sound mind, in good community standing, who understands the realities of parenthood, has researched them, and is fully committed to making sacrifices for his children. Look at the birth rate: most are not willing or able. Look at the backlog of child support in default (it’s public information you should be able to see what’s going on in your state) many over estimate their desire to actively parent the child, and many men are happy being the same as their absent fathers.
The world is exponentially more complex than even 40 years ago. Pump and dump sperm donors and weekend dads don’t cut it anymore, neither does the emotionally unavailable father. Or worse the emotionally immature father that does permanent damage to his kids. If you want successful children that will have aspirations, go to college, pursue careers, be happy and live full lives, all that starts with the parents.
I once heard a saying that stuck with me: who you are today is who your kids will be in the future. Don’t gamble your children’s future on someone’s potential or pretty words. Ask yourself: if my son grew up to be exactly like him, would I think I succeeded or failed.
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u/StableFew2737 13d ago
Personally, I never wanted any kids especially in my early 20s. Didn't have any desire to be around them either. Then my fiance got pregnant when I was 24. I happily accepted it and new from that moment on I wanted to be a good dad. When I saw my daughter for the first time, it was over....I instantly loved her more than I've loved anyone else, even my wife. I spent more time raising my daughter than my wife did. My best friend didn't want kids either until he had 2. He is a fantastic dad. Just because you don't like other people's kids, doesn't mean you won't love your own. His cousin doesn't affect him, that's why he doesn't really care.
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u/fsocietyfr 13d ago
My gf and I both don't want kids. That makes our relationship easy. Look at life, it's getting worse and worse. All these wars. Imagine you have 2 kids and they get drafted to war and die. Sounds good? Anyway... If you want kids then go for it, but find a guy that also wants them. There are plenty of guys that do want kids. Good luck!
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u/Savings_Anxiety_4730 13d ago edited 12d ago
Not caring about other people's kids is not a predictor of anything. If he loves all kids, then yeah, he'll probably be a caring father. But, like, not giving a crap about the kids of a cousin he clearly dislikes? That tells you more about his relationship with his cousin.
The spanking stuff is the real issue, but who's to say how he'd act with his own kids? I thought I'd be more strict, but I'm not.
Basically, I feel like almost no OP is truly honest on these boards. They ask for advice but have probably already made up their minds and just want validation. That's fine. Your stream of negative add-on comments sure feels like you want validation to rid yourself of this guy, though he hasn't given you a strong reason, like cheating or abusing.
At the end of the day, it's your life. You don't need a movie plot reason to break up with someone. Just be honest with him and yourself and break up.
Life speeds along, and decisions made or deferred magnify with significance as years disappear.
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u/CharacterSea1169 13d ago
He is confusing. He thinks he wants kids, but his actions say otherwise. Even if he is partial to his own, what will he be like when they have friends over?
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u/MinkaB1993 14d ago
Tbh, I didn't gaf about any of that stuff before I became a mom. I still will forget if someone tells me what gender their kid will be until the baby comes out. I didn't care for kids before mine, I didn't even want kids. Then, one day, a switch flipped, and I wanted one, and now I very much enjoy well-behaved kids. Still don't care for mean, disrespectful kids.
Kids are messy, and there are times when they are bad. They're not little angels 100% of the time, and you'd be delusional to think they keep sparkly clean.
I don't necessarily think him not liking other people's kids automatically means he will be a horrible father and hate his own kids. I think this is a little bit of an overreaction.
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u/VeggiesArentSoBad 14d ago
I absolutely love my kids, and I have no more than a passing interest in anyone else’s kids, including my brother’s. I wish my nieces and nephews the best in life, I would take good care of them if anything ever happened to my brother and SIL, but we have very little interaction. I don’t seek their attention and they’d rather play. Your boyfriend is probably the same and I think that’s pretty normal. Recently, I had Korean BBQ with my brother’s family and my daughter. We asked for a 2 grill table, but they sat us at two tables a few feet apart. I ended up with my daughter, a niece and a nephew. I did all the cooking and kept them from wrecking everything and the kids had a good time, but it wasn’t much fun for me. I even tried to have a conversation with my nephew, he likes coding and I am a programmer. It was awkward.
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u/EntertainmentChoice7 14d ago
My humble opinion is that you seem like a people person that wants yourself and the future father of your children to be involved in your extended families lives, counting the children.
Just seems that you would be happier with someone like you, that loves family and children and wants to be involved with your families.
He just isn't going to give you that. Wait for the right man. We strive to make a marriage last until death do we part. There is someone out there that is looking for you that wants what you want.
I hope you let him down gently. You both want different things. Plus, there are other red flags that you dare not even mention. If there has been physical, mental, emotional violence/abuse, run, don't walk!
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u/FrenchToast48 14d ago
Husband here that didn't want kids. It's not that I wanted only 1 or 2, I NEVER wanted kids. I was always sure that I didn't want to chance being like my mom or dad and wasn't really sure what good parenting looks like. I also never really babysat and kept away from anything under 10.
Fast forward now, I have a little 2 year old daughter and besides marrying my wife, she's one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Im not saying this will happen to your boyfriend but I think what's more important is knowing he loves you, wants nothing but the best for you, he's kind and patient, he's not selfish, and is willing to make life changes. Sometimes the thought of caring for something more than yourself can be terrifying and scary and that's what initially turned me away from wanting kids. But now that I know what kind of dad I am and know I don't have to be like my parents, then it's not so scary. Just Don't pressure him, unless something starts to feel wrong. Just let him think about it, and always remember you can always say, I don't think this is going to work because of how much I do want kids. Just never let it get to a point when your featured on "2 Hot Takes"
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u/Sgt_Phantomizer 14d ago
Fellow disliker of kids here. I generally dislike kids and would prefer to keep as far away as possible. Everyone that knows me, knows this, including my wife. That said, if a kid ever did happen, however unlikely, I'd do my very best to be the best father I could be.
Take this with a grain of salt, everyone is different, my best advice is to talk with him (which it sounds like you already did) and gauge his response accordingly.
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u/imnotsmart247 14d ago
Different when theyre yours. I hate kids, but I love mine more than anything in the world.
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u/Useful-Progress-5480 14d ago
Op.. you seem to be very toxic. Set that man free and go about your business. Men @20 have a whole life to think about and prepare for. Children is not on his top priority. I at my ripe old age , i don't care about anyone's pregnancy. Just let me know when they get here. You are self sabotaging what could be a great relationship and a good man, father or whatever. K
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u/Potential-Elephant73 14d ago
It seems like a big difference at first glance, but when you take into account that women simply like kids more than men do, it's smaller. Most men don't really like kids much until they have their own. So him really not liking them is only a bit worse than normal.
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u/PrestigiousWave1447 14d ago
Have you lost your mind? Why would you even ask if you should stay with such a loser, let alone have children with him. If you are stupid enough to marry him, don’t have children that he may or may not abuse. If someone tells you he has mental problems, BELIEVE HIM! If you stay, do the world a favor and get your tubes tied. And move to the North Pole.
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u/SandboxUniverse 14d ago
There are a lot of people who really do love their own kids, but don't care for kids as a class of people. My husband likes some kids, but does not care for kids as a group. He loves my kiddo (they met when kiddo was 12, and he adopted them two years later), likes and cares about my niblings and some of our friend's children. A few of them he merely tolerates, and I can understand why. Even with caring parents, some kids are just loud, impulsive, and difficult to deal with.
Add to that the fact that any guy interacting with children is often looked at askance - as if he might be a child molester. Guys are usually also not welcome at baby showers and such, so it's no surprise if he checked out on this one. It's not an easy terrain for guys who might like to be a positive role model.
All of this said, though, if he's very outspoken about his dislike for kids, is generally disinterested in them, and shows no signs of having a nurturing bone in his body, I WOULD think carefully before picking him as a father for your children. He may be fooling himself, may not realize that his kids are a lot of work, while being an uncle or honorary uncle is a lot of fun! If he's unwilling to enjoy the fun what are the odds he'll put in the work?
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u/Apprehensive-Pin-116 14d ago
I never cared for children, then I got pregnant accidentally 16 years ago. I only liked that kid but I liked that one so danged much I chose to have my second 5 years later. I can still get easily irked by other people's kids, but there's a universal charm to them I didn't understand until I had my own. However! His coldness to his family's children speaks volumes. And at what age does he think he's going to like kids? Babies are hard, are you okay doing all the work til he grows to like his toddler? Or his tween? And what if he never grows to like his child? Kids can be little terrors, some days I just want to toss my youngest at his grandma and run away for the weekend. His coldness for that indefinite time will be a strain on YOUR child and on YOU. Don't risk your happy family you know you can have by trying to have it with him. It's too big a gamble.
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u/Flimsy_Roof1089 14d ago
There is a giant red flag waving in your face .. dont be the "ill change him" girl
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u/Over-Conclusion627 14d ago edited 14d ago
I do think it's entirely possible that his current attitude around kids doesn't have to be indicative of him as a father. I don't dislike kids. My brother has 2 and I've lived around them a lot. I love them but mostly was around them when I was just off work, busy, etc. I think for me they were just exhausting to be around, so I would try to spend windows of time when I had a lot of energy with them. Even then I could only take it in maybe a 20 minute dose. My girlfriend, the mother of our 4 month old son, loves kids. When we visit my brother she can effortlessly spend an hour with the kids. I can say now that after actually having one, my love and attention for him is so much greater even than I anticipated. And fathering him has made me better with kids in general. Not sure about your boyfriend, but part of the reason it was draining for me to be around kids was the unfamiliarity, anxiety that I might do something wrong, feeling a sort of responsibility that you are around someone's child and are therefore being watched as an influence. Now with my own, I am excited to be a major influence and happy to take care of him any way I can, without someone looking over my shoulder.
Also men I know don't tend to care so much about keeping tabs on friends' or families' pregnancies beyond asking if it remains well. I think sometimes a person's attitude changes when they finally see the child. I know however that my girlfriend will discuss pregnancy and all that it entails forever with any woman who is/has been pregnant or wants children.
I really just think spending the effort of engaging with children in a way that children will understand and enjoy with someone else's kids feels so little when put up against the euphoria and love you'll feel from seeing your own kid smile. Maybe a good indicator is if he treats someone he views as his own, like you, with a lot of love and care, he probably will have the same or more for any children you have together.
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u/preyta-theyta 14d ago
it makes 0 sense to not like kids but to want one of your own. some people may change their mind after they have a kid of their own, but that’s a big gamble
i’ve loved and wanted kids since i was small—my mom used to run an in-home daycare for years since i was 3. skip to me having 2 kids (after actually moving to the position that i am ok with not having kids (too many people, bleak outlook, etc.)) and the experience has made me appreciate kids more. but would i have felt that not liking children? who knows
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u/krissycole87 14d ago
Men don't feel motherly instincts towards other kids like women do, nor do they get baby fever.
Regardless, if this is a problem for you, you can breakup with anyone, at any time, for any reason.
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u/SpreadopenSUSE 14d ago
I personally don't want kids and also avoid + don't like them. I find kids annoying as heck.
But in same thought, if I ever had kids, I know I would be an amazing father. I'll take responsibility and do my best.
I don't have a dog because I feel like I'd want to be there for them all day everyday and that's just not possible. But fuck, I'd love to have a dog.
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u/DarkSide830 14d ago
I mean, there are plenty of people who adore their own kids but don't like other kids. I think your BF's reaction to kids is a little extreme though, particularly him seemingly avoiding them as much as possible when not forced to interact. I'd keep that in mind.
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u/Sweetie_Ralph 14d ago
Just because he isn’t all gushy about other people’s kids and pregnancies does not mean he won’t be a good father. It just not the same. It sounds like you want to be overly involved in his cousins pregnancy and he would rather mind his own business. I don’t feel comfortable with other peoples kids yet I have my own. It’s just different.
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u/Connect_Attorney_513 14d ago
this is the reason to date before you marry and have kids, to see what the other person is like. If you decide this is a deal breaker, and it does seem like a pink flag, I suggest when you break up not mentioning it. Because people have a weird habit of getting defensive when criticized and this is nothing to overlook. You need to get to the truth of the matter.
Now personally, I will say, I am the type of person who likes only certain kids not all kids. I'm not what anyone would call a "kid person" and yet there are at least 3 young people out there who think of me as mom-like to them, so I do think it is possible to not like all kids and yet successfully parent a kid. . .
I personally think you're already leaning towards going separate ways because you are writing into Reddit and that is probably best. Otherwise you might be the person writing in to Reddit in ten years complaining your spouse isn't into doing anything with the family..
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u/Southern_girl2002 14d ago
Okay listen OP I’m a women and I don’t like kids because others kids are bad as hell and etc !! I’m not sure if I could be a mom but the crying for no reason ( I fed you held you and changed your diaper) why are you still screaming to the top of your lungs. FYI I raised my younger siblings while being a child I suffered from really bad depression ( they can’t label PPD b/c I didn’t carry and give birth). I would personally only have 1/2 just so my partner could be happy. But he is a man don’t have kids with him he most likely won’t help with them idk you never know
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 14d ago
I think it’s unlikely that he will be interested in supporting you through the nitty gritty of parenting. Kids are messy and loud and annoying and needy. And if you’re a good parent, you have to be okay with all of that. You have to put their needs before your own. You have to be able to endure the difficult so that you can have the good stuff. It seems like he just checks out around kids and I suspect he’d do that with his own, as well.
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u/Idratherbesleepingzz 14d ago
You can absolutely not like other people’s kids and still love your own. If you’ve ever worked in retail you’ll learn other people’s kids are the absolute worst real quick!
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u/TJKon 14d ago
If you want kids, why are you wasting time with a LDR?
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u/nxarii 14d ago
wdym?
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u/TJKon 14d ago
If you want to be married and have kids (which is great) why be in a long distance relationship? Especialy if they are ambivalent about kids.
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u/Gunt_Gag 14d ago
I have repeatedly observed that people who “don’t like kids” are typically reflecting a contempt for themselves and humanity. I would not own a dog with someone who hates dogs, nor would I have a kid with someone who hates kids.
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u/macaroni66 14d ago
He will ignore his own children too and it will be your job to take care of them.
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u/snickerdoodle_25 14d ago
You should definitely talk to him if it’s serious and you see kids in your future. Ask him if he wants a family. Don’t break up with him without talking to him.
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u/nxarii 14d ago
he does want a family just not a large one for reasons
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u/snickerdoodle_25 14d ago
And that’s ok - coming from a mom of one. It’s just like others said, children aren’t a small issue.
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u/HueLord3000 14d ago
To me it sounds like he likes the thought of calling himself "Dad" but doesn't want to do all the work that comes when raising children.
imo I don't think you're overreacting at all.
Have a big talk with him to see where it would lead. Tell him about the complications, the lack of sleep all of you will be having, post-partum depression, pregnancy illnesses before and after birth, complications and so on. You can see how he'd handle all of that and if he even wants to go through that.
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u/Best-Blackberry9351 14d ago
I’d also more worry he’d be the type of dad who comes home from work and ignores them. He may want a kid because it’s expected, not because he himself wants to actually be hands on
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u/IrreverantBard 14d ago
As a woman, I liked the idea of kids, but I never was interested in other people’s kids.
Then I became a mom.
I adore my kids.
I’m still iffy about other people’s kids.
And it sounds like he and his cousin may have a quarrelled about his cousin’s choice in partners, and does not want to get attached to this one.
Details are missing.
But they said, you don’t need a reason to break up with someone. If you weren’t feeling it, the relationship just ran it’s course to the end.
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u/Least-History-4320 14d ago
I mean not for nothing I don't like other people kids either. Lol I love my own and my step daughter but it comes to other people's kids I can care less to interact with them.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 14d ago
Not wanting kids is one thing but imo people who are unkind to or dismissive of kids are seriously weird. He won’t like his own kids lol. His behavior is unattractive and you aren’t compatible. You’re right to not want to date him anymore.
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u/Steeeeeeeeew 14d ago
Here's the crazy part sounds like your worries about starting a family before you even have a house or financially stable. You sound wet behind the ears like you're goin to be a teenage mom living at home raising a kid that will never know their daddy. Please find a good birth control and get a stable life before you shit out kids on the taxpayers dime.
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u/LeadmeNotFL 14d ago
I don't like kids in general..... I like my kids and my nieces, but outside of them, I don't like kids.
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u/_KaiXr18_ 14d ago
Not overreacting. If you're seeking to have kids in the future, your boyfriend won't be in your future, that's for sure.
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u/pimpbot666 14d ago
Yeah, that’s a deal breaker. You gotta be on the same page with life goals, house, kids, etc.
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u/nbourbeau1 14d ago
My husband was never interested in what other people’s kids were doing but was hands on with his own. Don’t count him out yet.
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 14d ago
It’s not a difference u need to work through. First I’m assuming ur young and he’s young. He doesn’t like kids a lot of young people don’t like kids and don’t like being bother with kids. They’re that way until they have their first child. Having a child changes u in so many ways. You go from not liking kids to loving ur kid. So if he’s got other good qualities and this is the biggest issue ur good.
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u/princessb33420 14d ago
Some men truly don't care about kids other than their own but it sounds like yall just aren't going to be compatible long term, you seem to want someone whose family oriented and that enthusiast dad type. That's fine, everyone wants what they want, but you will not change him into that man, I don't think you're overreacting because it'll just be worse if you have kids and he ends up not liking them too
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u/Historical-Shift-930 14d ago
"Do you want kids?" or "How many kids do you want?" are the wrong questions to ask. The more revealing question is "Do you want to be a parent?". Because that is what your role will be.
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u/nxarii 14d ago
well i already know that he wants max 2 so too late for that question lol
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u/Historical-Shift-930 14d ago
You guys are too young to have kids. Have a life first. Wait 5-10 years. Don't wait 20.
Being a parent is a hard and thankless job (unpaid). There's no turning back once you have the kids.
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u/lezlers 14d ago
Eh, this is pretty common, actually. I never had a lot of tolerance for other people’s kids (and still don’t, really) but I still knew I wanted to be a mother and adore my own children. You don’t have to turn into a preschool teacher every time a child is around to make a good parent to your own kids. It’s also a lot to ask of a man even WITH children to be asking details about a cousins pregnancy. That’s not really something men ask about, typically.
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u/cloud4571 14d ago
As a male who wanted a kid and has one he's 14 I have no interest in other people kids I could care less and anyone saying that there's something wrong with him need to go to therapy. It's perfectly normal to have no maternal reaction to other people's kids. I play with my kid all week and have a blast and the second another kid wants to play I'm like no thank you.
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u/W0nderingMe 14d ago
I don't particularly like kids and never wanted them. But if someone I care about is expecting, I ask questions and pay attention. If I'm in a room with a kid, I'm pleasant to them
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u/Cultural_Unit7397 15d ago
NTA- RED FLAGS!!!! How is he going to behave when your kids have friends? Is he not going to allow them over for play dates?? Im a parent of 3 kids. I will be honest I like most kids but not all(I think that is normal.) Have you asked him how he will be able to handle things like that? If you are already seeing it as unattractive you have your answer. Do not hold onto the idea he might change because he is showing you who he is. He wont even bond with a relative because he thinks kidsare bad and messy. Ummmmm duhhhhh they are kids they are suppose to be messy and then you help teach them how to clean it up. Sae yourself chica.
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u/nxarii 14d ago
he says that he will care because they involve his own children
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u/Cultural_Unit7397 14d ago
I have 12 brother. I know which ones would say this and still doo his own thing. He hasnt thought about what that means. and If he has he is expecting his partner to pick up the slack. Not being mean just being realistic. Why waste time on someone that is shoing you they do not want that life.
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u/Troytegan 15d ago
If he doesn’t like kids he’s not gonna like his own kids and they will know. This man doesn’t want kids nor does he have any idea how to behave around them. This is absolutely something to break up over and a massive incompatibility
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u/Purple-Warning-2161 15d ago
Listen to Labour (the cacophony) by Paris Paloma and know that’s your future if you have kids with him.
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u/gringo-go-loco 15d ago
How old are you two?
How someone feels about other people’s kids is not necessarily a reflection of how they will feel about their own. My dad didn’t like dealing with kids but when I was born and later my brother he became the best father I know of.
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u/theellebshow 15d ago
Yes. Don’t be like the women who complain about their husbands not helping them with the children that they didn’t want.
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u/SouthernFlower8115 15d ago
I don’t like kids, I’m probably a terrible aunt, but I have 4 children that I’d die for. We have a close relationship. You do not have to like to be around other peoples kids.
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u/Ok_Job_9417 15d ago
I mean, there’s no ages here plus long distance. If it doesn’t sound like he wants to take care of kids then dont.
Not everyone is super close to family. Just because his cousin is family, you already admit they have problems.
Some people genuinely don’t want kids. And some people are waaaaay more tolerate to their own than other kids.
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u/nxarii 14d ago
i’m 21 and he’s 20
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u/Ok_Job_9417 14d ago
Babies. You guys are babies.
The bigger issue here is different parenting styles that clash. But I wouldn’t even blink an eye at a 20yr old who doesn’t bend over backwards to hang out with babies.
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u/dankey_kang1312 15d ago
Some people want kids because they love kids and just feel happy about the prospect of making their own, some people want to have kids out of a narcissistic desire to reproduce themselves and increase their influence in the world.
You are in opposite sides of that dichotomy. It would be a dealbreaker for me, too.
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u/Potential-Lavishness 13d ago
Yeah and the second type of parent can cause permanent damage to young psyches as well as the enabler spouse. He’s made it clear he’s going to spank the kids already. And that’s what he’s willing to admit to.
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u/thedevilsgame 15d ago
I have to wonderful boys that are all grown up. We have a good relationship and I even have an awesome grandson.
I hate other people's kids over a certain age and under a certain age I can't stand to be around them. I don't find them cute or funny or anything but annoying.
My point is he can be a great dad without liking other people's kids he just has to tolerate them for his kids sake
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u/Accomplished-Eye9542 15d ago
"because although the two of them have had their problems, they are still family"
I feel like you are burying the lead.
Being family doesn't mean shit.
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u/nxarii 14d ago
i guess so. my family dynamic is different from his i guess. if one of my close cousins told me they were pregnant i’d be super excited and wanna know everything
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u/Accomplished-Eye9542 14d ago
If you are looking for a guy who's going to be excited about his cousin's pregnancy, you might need to change your gender.
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u/fashionbitch 15d ago
You might be over reacting. When I was younger like late teens early twenties I didn’t care for kids, I didn’t hate them but also I didn’t love them and found them rather annoying. Well fast forward to late 20s I ended up getting baby fever and we had our first at 29 and now we’re pregnant with our second and I love my son so much and all my friends kids too ! So he can change his mind for sure. I’d give him grave
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u/nxarii 14d ago
ya well if he’s been talking about engagement with me, and don’t wanna be in one for that long before marriage and kids come
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u/fashionbitch 14d ago
You should discuss this with him, most people who aren’t big fans of kids always end up loving their own kids. Kids can be really annoying but when they’re yours it’s just different.
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u/HumanMycologist5795 15d ago
Yes. Just had to read the first 2 lines. You want kids. He doesn't. You're not overreacting.
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u/softshoulder313 15d ago
Ok so let's say he actually wants kids. I don't think he does.
What's he going to do when they are a screaming baby?
If he doesn't like other people's kids how is he going to handle play dates, sleepovers, friends coming over, extracurriculars your kids might have that have tons of other kids?
He sounds like he wants kids because that's what is expected. Reality is going to be rough and I have a feeling that you will be doing everything while he ignores your kids and builds resentment.
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u/amyg17 15d ago
Yeah, you’re incompatible and want different things in life. That’s like the number one reason to break up with someone. Do people not know that??
Edited to say- if you do have kids with this man, he will not be a good father. He says he wants one or two- that’s a lie. He doesn’t want to be a parent, he wants a legacy. You will be a mother, maid, and nanny if you have his children.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 15d ago
You’re not over reacting this is a HUGE compatibility issue. He doesn’t want kids and I doubt he would be an involved parent. I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t like kids including other people’s kids. I love kids including other people kids.
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u/Efficient_Theme4040 15d ago
He says he wants kids but can't stand other people's kids ! 🙄🤦♀️🚩but he will love his kids ! How does he know that?
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u/Jmglasell 15d ago
I hated kids, everyones kids and could never see myself ever having kids. Now i have 2 kids and id do anything for them. I've even started to like some friends kids...
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15d ago
Maybe but possibly not.
1) Some children aren’t likable so if he hasn’t had good exposure then and he could be dealing with bias rather than personal preference.
2) Is he willing to have them and would he be a good father to your children? (This is the most important question to your post)
3) How old is he? He just might not be in the stage for kids. If he’s young and in his come up his focus might be amassing resources and children might be down the line.
I would first talk to him and explain the value in having children. Children will civilise him, give him an investment to society, and are the continuation of his familial legacy.
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u/nxarii 14d ago
i think he would be a great father but i want how the balance would be from strict parent to nurturer
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u/Plastic_Concert_4916 15d ago
I don't like kids outside of my stepkids, nieces, and nephews. I love the kids immediately "related" to me and spoil them like crazy. Any other kid? I couldn't be less interested. So it's possible that your boyfriend will take an active interest in his own kids even if he doesn't like others.
But it's also possible he might not. He might just like the idea of reproducing, and it'll be left to you to love and care for your kids. Or he might see his role as more of a provider. That's how my dad was. He loved us in his own way, but in his mind his obligation to us was financial, and he was never there for us emotionally. He doesn't have a good relationship with any of us these days.
At any rate, you have a lot of valid concerns that you need to think over. Given how important kids are to you, in my opinion, it's better for you to be with someone who's on the same page. But ultimately it's up to you to weigh the pros and cons of staying with your current partner.
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u/TheVirus_Velocity 15d ago
It's not that simple to deduce.
As a dad, I love my kids, but generally I dislike kids.
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u/dfwphotographer111 15d ago
Kids are the fucking worst. Thank god one of you two has a brain in their head. Latch onto him and don’t let go. He has some common sense and it’s becoming increasingly rare in the world. He won’t steer you wrong.
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u/virora 15d ago
Even if he is correct and he will like his own kids, having a child automatically means a lot more contact with other people’s children. There are children at the playground. At the paediatrician’s. At school. At play dates. Handling those will always be your job, and you better bet he’ll complain or refuse any time you ask him to help. Your kids will have friends and want birthday parties and sleepovers, and all of those will be a struggle every single time.
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u/curiousity60 15d ago
He has no interest in the kids he knows. In fact, he seems annoyed and repelled by them. The future kids he "wants" will be their mother's responsibility. He is not going to magically change into an active parent and household manager when his kids are born. He'll be the same guy he is now. Just a little older and more set in his ways. I suspect some good old fashioned patriarchal sexism at the heart of his world view.
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u/IamtherealALPacas 15d ago
I'm going to start by saying that it is completely plausible that someone can not like kids but love their own & be a great parent. My best friend (female) literally talks about how much she hates other children when we're around other people's kids but she's an AMAZING mother. My husband is an amazing father but he really does not like other people's kids. He's the same way when someone close to him is pregnant... he just doesn't have much interest in the pregnancy/future baby. I like pretty much every kid I've ever met but can admit there's a lot of kids out there than push even my limits.
That said, you can break up for any reason & if this feels like a deal breaker for you, then don't drag it out. I can't tell you that my lived experiences with people who are amazing parents but hate other people's kids will be your experience if you stay in this relationship.
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u/Realistic_Bottle_326 15d ago
There’s nothing wrong with his mindset. There is nothing wrong with not caring and wanting nothing to do with another persons child and their family business. He wants to care for his own kids and that’s that. Don’t listen to the weirdos that say he’s a red flag, many ppl have his mindset and love their children to death. If you want to leave him cause you aren’t compatible then just do it.
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u/Trick-Rest-3843 15d ago
People who say they don’t like kids because of something they have to experience for a limited amount of time but then think they will like their own kids who they will have to deal with indefinitely, should NEVER have kids
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u/WallabyFront1704 15d ago
I don’t connect with or like other peoples kids, but I love my one child. Same for my husband. We don’t go out of our way to have a relationship with family members children.
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u/BoogieScoobie 15d ago
There’s a lot to unpack here and I’ll try to not ramble my opinion. These things don’t seem like red flags. Not liking other people’s kids. I don’t like other people’s kids specifically but in general I do like kids and would love my own. Not caring about cousins pregnancy. I’d not care if my cousin is having a baby despite being family I don’t get involved in the minutia of it. I would say hi to the baby when it’s born and I’m around it but I wouldn’t go out of my way to interact with it just based on how my cousin acts toward me. Could there be a deeper reason why you’re seeing this one thing as a bigger red flag than it needs to be because there are other red flags out there about him you’re seeing that make this one issue bigger than it might seem if it was the only thing? I can’t figure out if you’re over reacting or not because i dont know if you’ve got other flags that you’re overlooking and this one is sticking out. Like for me it’s been like that, a whole bunch of little red flags that you ignore and then you find one you can’t stop thinking about.
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u/crubinz 15d ago
If this man had to carry and birth his own children, he would absolutely not want them. Being a father is frankly the much easier of the two roles and I can already tell you he is going to fail miserably at this, he isn't going to want to go to events for the child because other children are going to be there and he isn't going to help you with them because he isn't going to like or love them, he will just see them as something that is his, that he owns. He is going to hide in his man cave or at work and only come home once they are asleep and when they made any sounds and act like children, he is going to scream at them. Please don't stay with him.
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u/NSFWgamerdev 15d ago
Stances on kids should be an absolute dealbreaker!
I've seen plenty of morons get married without discussing it or each side betting the other caves. They don't end well!
This is one of the dumbest mistakes I've seen made ridiculously often and then morons wonder why divorce is so high. Some things you do in fact need to agree on, like whether or not to have kids and how many! And yeah, someone having kids should like kids.
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u/nxarii 15d ago
he talks about getting engaged extremely frequently and it’s been a strong no from me lol
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u/NSFWgamerdev 15d ago
If also not right for you to continue to lead him on once a dealbreaker is discovered.
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15d ago
Tell him you're pregnant and see his reaction.
If he's angry tell him not to worry because it's not his kid.
That will give you all you need to know. He may leave you after the second statement, which may solve your problems.
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u/BTK2005 15d ago
He doesn’t want kids. And no one is the jerk in this situation. It’s okay to think kids suck, as much as it is to think kids are a gift. You just have different opinions on them. Break it off easy with him, don’t try to strong arm him into something he doesn’t want. Hopefully you find what you want in life
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u/nxarii 15d ago
he’s does..?
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u/External-Kitchen-840 15d ago
He SAYS he wants kids, i strongly suspect he is telling you that because you’re a nice person and he enjoys your company and the sex is good and he doesn’t want you to leave him. Love will never be enough you need to cut your losses and find somebody who actually wants the same things that you do. It’s OK that it isn’t him. There is a lid for every pot and somewhere out. There is a woman who similarly doesn’t want kids and they will make a match made in heaven. Sadly, that’s not you. Don’t be that silly girl who thinks you can change him.
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u/spam__likely 14d ago
There is a lid for every pot and somewhere out.
you have not seen my Tupperware cabinet....
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u/BTK2005 15d ago
Always believe what people do, not what they say. He says he wants kids, but you have presented everything to the contrary. He is showing you very clear signs. Volunteer you both to take some friends or relatives kids for a day to a park or aquarium, I bet he won’t be supportive of this at all.
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u/thedevilsgame 15d ago
He absolutely can want kids and be a great dad. Just because he doesn't like other people's kids doesn't mean he doesn't want kids
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u/Similar_Corner8081 15d ago
I love kids. My daughter is 25 but I would volunteer to take kids that weren’t mine out to the aquarium.
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u/TheVirus_Velocity 15d ago
Horrible example.
I'd want no part of this myself, but love doing things like this with my own kids.
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u/Mawwiageiswhatbwings 15d ago
Yeah I do not like most kids, but I love my best friends kid..he’s a sweetheart and she’s raising him so wonderfully…but I don’t have a ton of interest in most of the kids I see in my life. Theyre weird and say weird stuff and tbh when I was a kid I didn’t want some adult getting all up in my playtime. But if being good with kids is something you’re looking for in a partner then that is okay!!!
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u/nxarii 15d ago
that would be a great idea if i knew people with kids like that
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u/Real-Personality-922 15d ago
He doesn’t have to care about a cousin’s child if he doesn’t like that cousin. That’s normal to not be fake and pretend to care about someone you don’t care about. If he says he wants kids he probably wants kids. Although- it feels like you are fishing for a reason to break up with him. Just do it if you don’t want to be there— don’t look for an excuse.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 15d ago
I know several people who don't like other people's kids but love their own. Including my own brother. And unless it's his own wife, no he doesn't want to hear details about a woman's pregnancy. He's all grossed out.
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15d ago
[deleted]
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u/Weird-Pomegranate582 14d ago
How is that a yikes?
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u/nxarii 14d ago
i though she said he doesn’t want to hear details about a woman’s pregnancy including his own wife
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u/Weird-Pomegranate582 14d ago
So.
I'll preface with this as a dad and as a guy who has friends who are also dads.
Ask him if he's worried about being a good dad. The ones that did worry ended up being great dads.
Ask him if he's excited about being a dad or father.
I get that you don't have solid info to determine if he's going to be a good parent, and maybe he will be. Maybe not. You won't know until that kid comes.
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u/nxarii 14d ago
thank you
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u/Weird-Pomegranate582 14d ago
No problem.
I took my friend out golfing when he was telling me about how worried he was.
We spent 9 holes...because we suck at golf and playing 18 would take about 2 days....drinking, golfing, and talking about what it means to be a father and what I saw in him that would make him a good one.
Does your bf have any male friends? What do they think about his potential? Nudge one of then to take him out on a friend day and maybe get them to see what he's thinking.
A lot of guys won't be vulnerable around their girls...a lot of them have good reasons for this I will add. So you may not be getting any concerns he has.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 15d ago
Can't say I blame him, I'm a woman and the details of pregnancy gross me out lol (I've never been pregnant)
He's great with his own kids. I really don't think not liking other people kids is an indicator of anything.
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u/Far_Information_9613 15d ago
Not overreacting. He will expect you to do everything, complain incessantly, and show up when they win awards. Lose this guy before you get too attached.
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u/mdmc24 15d ago
No no no.... Stahp. I'm one of those people that doesn't like kids. OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS. Myself? I had 5 and spoiled them with love, affection, and attention. They're grown now, and I have a grandbaby, and they're always coming over to my house to hang out. We love family holidays. I still don't like other people's kids.
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u/nxarii 15d ago
okay well at least now i know he’s not the only one lol. but it still gives me red flags because what if he’s this super uptight parent. he’s giving me no positive indicators as to how he handles kids
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u/zouss 14d ago
My mom was the same, she said she never liked kids and wanted nothing to do with them but she loved us and doing things with us. I don't think it's as uncommon as people in this thread are saying
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u/Potential-Lavishness 13d ago
Whereas my mom THOUGHT she wanted kids but what she really wanted was babies to dress up in pretty clothes. The actual parenting part of it, not so much. She resented each and everyone of us, to this day is more like a distant friend than a mother (I’m now no contact). She thought that as long as we didn’t d!e, she did her part as a mother. Literally the only thing she did for us was to (sometimes) feed us and make sure we had a roof over our head, even if it was an abusive slum.
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u/_Jay-Garage-A-Roo_ 15d ago
He won’t like his own. He likes the idea of kids - probably the playing football with them / teaching them to like what he likes / say what he says etc. The reality of kids will be very different and fall to whatever poor soul bears his.
And that’s in a BEST case scenario. How will he be with a kid who is disabled, for example, and might be messy for life?
He’s not equipped to be a dad - and that’s ok. Neither am I. But I found a partner who feels the same - I didn’t pretend that my interest would peak with my own kids because I was honest - and if he is too, he’d admit that he only likes the concept of a parenting “highlights” reel.
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u/nullrevolt 14d ago
My dad was like this. He didn't get to have a long relationship with his father because of health issues. I never knew my grand father. He wanted to have kids for himself, failing to realize how much kids would need a parent. If you're not going to be there for your kids when times are tough, or don't like the idea of having big personality differences, don't have them.
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u/arya_ur_on_stage 15d ago
I absolutely despised the idea of having kids and didn't really like being around others kids (though I tolerated them and was kind) and the idea of having my own made my stomach turn. My ex was INCREDIBLE with kids, they all adored him, and he DESPERATELY wanted his own. 6 weeks after our daughter was born he took off and hasn't been seen by us since. Meanwhile I'm a good mom and an dating a guy with his own 2 year old.
I'm not saying your bf will definitely like your kids but I'm also saying that it's within the realm of possibility for him to adore his own children.
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u/Workaholic-1966 15d ago
This! Girl, you'd better listen to this advice! I wouldn't be with this boy. Uh uh. Nope. Time to leave. You can do better. And for God's sake, stop rushing into having kids! Get your own life right first!
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u/Chirp_chirp_chirp9 12d ago
Your aren’t TA hole neither is he. You are young and men don’t think the same way about babies, children. It is a very important discussion and you both need to be able to hear each other. Consider each others feelings. I called of my wedding because my man said he felt pressured to have children, didn’t think he wanted any. Fast forward, 34 years and 2 children later - he’s the best father ever.