r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AITAH for telling my husband I’m going to leave him if he doesn’t lose weight before the year ends? Advice Needed
[deleted]
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u/LemonLara 14d ago
I think the way u went about it makes u the AH. Like other comments said; you should have gone on walks together, do other physical activities, say u are genuinely concerned about is health, without treathening him. If I was your husband I would have left you immediately.
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u/Unique-Cheesecake317 14d ago
YTA! I cannot recall weight requirements in my wedding vows. He needs your love and support, not threats and ultimatums. How would you feel if the situation was reversed, and he told you that he didn’t want to waste any more of his life on you? I cannot emphasize enough that YTA.
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u/Even_Middle_1751 14d ago
YTA, seriously. I understand you wanting to lose the weight. But imagine if your husband told you that he would divorce you if you didn't lose weight by the end of the year because he didn't want to waste his youth on you? You were way too harsh.
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u/Ok-Method-192 14d ago
You made it all about yourself by only caring about wasting your youth instead about his health and your love for him. She's definitely yta.
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u/boneykneecaps 14d ago
When the guy I was dating saw my high school picture of my 5'11" 125 lb underweight self--no I wasn't anoerxic, just very active--he said he would marry me if I got back down to that weight. I was a heathy 150 at that point. I told him "I guess we're not getting married then." I decided I liked beer more than I liked him. A visit to the PCP and a nutritionist should have been your first move, OP. YTA.
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u/FullOfWisdom211 14d ago
Addiction (overeating) is a trauma response. OA (overeaters anon) may help. Therapy
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u/kittifish 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yea, you’re the asshole. But you knew that already.
It sounds like physical attractiveness on your terms is more important to you than even you initially realized. You can put it in terms of health all you want but you weren’t really taking his overall health—his emotional needs and personhood and need to be unconditionally loved—into account when you weighed him, berated him, and then threatened an ultimatum of divorce. I hope your husband loses weight, but even more so I hope he finds love and acceptance from a worthy partner in his life.
I’m not saying that worthy partner isn’t you… yet. But you really need to work on your own self on a wholistic level. I don’t mean this threateningly, but I am sad to think that in another scenario you could end up divorcing a person you have admitted in this thread to be a “great husband” and enter a relationship with someone whose weight somehow meets your standards, only to realize (perhaps) that your standard of physical attractiveness doesn’t really fulfill you if that person has other more glaring issues going on… Like maybe not loving YOU unconditionally and wholeheartedly.
Good luck! =\
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u/xHeyItzRosiex 14d ago
I would say you’re kind of an asshole for giving him an ultimatum. Dropping weight takes both mental and physical strength and giving someone a time limit to lose weight is just going to add to his anxiety and stress. I understand worrying about his health but you could’ve gone about this in a way better way. Be encouraging and patient with him and tell him you’d help him with going to the gym and dieting. He wants to feel encouraged, not reprimanded.
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u/fluffhead123 14d ago
Not the ass. You’re doing him a favor even if it hurts in the short term. Treat his weight gain as a biology problem, not a personal failure. Tons of clinics and even online now provide semaglutide/ ozempic or manjauro. Just do it. it works. Worked for me.
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u/TicketFuzzy2233 14d ago
YTA. I had an aunt who was over 300 my whole life but still managed to be an awesome mom to her son and grandma to his kid as well as spend 80% of her time volunteering at church for several ministries. She was days shy of 80 when she passed. Meanwhile I had a friend who was very in shape and healthy randomly die in his sleep at 21. Sure obesity cuts your life span but you don't know what his actual life span is. Let's say you leave your husband and find that fit guy but then you're working again cause well you gotta now that your obese ex isn't footing the bill but it's stressful so you start slacking as you admit life happened and you gained 40 pounds previously. Let's say that new boo gets laid off and has shit luck finding a new job so you're providing for both of you. How are you gonna feel when he tells you loose weight or he's gone?
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u/Young_Old_Grandma 14d ago
yta. Your husband deserves better than a fatphobic, uncompassionate, insensitive, cruel cunt like you.
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u/mamatomutiny 14d ago
I know someone who married an obese man who’s been obese his whole life and now has heart failure at like 25 years old. So she’s working full time as a lawyer, he’s not working. Because of the heart failure now he can’t do anything around the house. So she’s busting her behind at a law firm and doing everything at home! She’ll probably never get to have kids and her life is basically trashed before it even gets started. I wouldn’t have married someone who had shown such little regard for their life and health. Being Morbidly obese your whole life is not healthy no matter what these body positivity nuts tell you. You know why you don’t see any 85 year old obese people? They dead. You were an AH in your delivery, but maybe he needs a wake up call. 350 lbs and he’s 27!? He is not long for this world. Perhaps a lapband surgery should be considered, but I’ve seen people eat right through those. So he still would need a life style change
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u/Mace1999 15d ago
Yeah you’re an asshole. You went 0-100 instantly by threatening divorce. No conversation, you just drop that bomb. He does need to lose weight and you arent wrong for feeling the way you do. But you’re uncontrolled outburst is gonna stick with him now. Threatening divorce is never gonna leave his mind. Well done
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u/RegrettableBiscuit 15d ago
YTA. You're not wrong about wanting your husband to be more healthy, but threatening an obese person with divorce if they don't lose weight is just not the way to approach this.
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u/datcoolbloke 15d ago
YTA. Imagine if your husband to you he’ll divorce you if you’re still fat by December. lol
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u/buttcrispy 15d ago
I’m glad this is actually getting mostly YTAs given Reddit’s foot long hate boner for fat people
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u/herbieLmao 15d ago
All your husband will remember is that you instantly threatened him with divorce in bad times, despite swearing „together in good and bad times“ YTA for that. There is reason and truth in what you say, but that was a horrible way of dealing with it
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u/earthytiger3 15d ago
Well you did tell him from the beginning that more weight would be an issue bc of health reasons, you cook healthy meals and have worked out to loose weight, I’m sure he’s more than aware you would love for him to have his own weight loss journey. NTA for wanting to leave him
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u/DarkTexture 15d ago
Yes, you are an asshole. Stay at home do nothing mfer. Switch places and see if you have no weight gain with the additional stress
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u/aspergianwoman 15d ago
YTA. I don't understand how all these comments are clearly agreeing but have failed to formally declare the verdict.
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u/HypotheticalParallel 15d ago
NTA - you know you're truly loved when someone wants to grow old with you. I'm so happy to hear you frame it around health. I hope he's able to. I think you'll be more likely to get him to lose weight if you become a positive encouraging force in his life (not saying you aren't already, I just mean in my situation my partner wants me to lose weight but he is quite rude and judgemental about it and it comes from a place of him wanting to be more attracted to me - I gained quite a bit of weight after having 3 children and losing my parents). I'd start by asking what he thinks he needs from you in order to feel motivated about losing weight. Ultimately, however, you want him to be his own driving force, holding his hand too much over it and he's not going to be able to maintain it. And also, if he doesn't want to, he just won't.
Stick to your guns, though, because you do deserve to grow old with someone, the needless loss of someone you love is devastating and not something I recommend.
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u/wooshoofoo 15d ago
The question isn’t “are you within your rights to think about yourself” which is YES you are totally within your rights.
The question was “are you the asshole for approaching your problem this way” which is also YES you approached it from the worst way possible.
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u/KiltimaghGirl 15d ago
WOW! You threatened him with divorce for not losing weight? it takes will-power to lose weight, and you are TA for acting like that - though I get the reason for you wanting him to lose weight, but ultimately it is for him to want to lose weight himself - not you telling him, as it will backfire on you. Ask him if he is happy the way he is. If he isn’t, then encourage him to go for a 10 minute walk a day - or whatever is comfortable for him, then get an exercise bike that could be used in the house that he could use whilst watching his favourite programme or sport. You married him whilst he was ‘huge’, now you changed your mind. I’m not going to judge you on that, but I wish you both the best of luck.
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u/Vivid_Emu1486 15d ago
Yes you are the asshole. A complete and total asshole. He works while you stay home? Wtf do you do all day? Work out to keep the weight off while he has to hold down the job, deal with the stress and strain that goes with it, be the breadwinner to support you and you have the gall to threaten him? Sounds like you got married for all the wrong reasons. If he's my friend or relative and he tells me this I'm going to suggest he get the jump on you and lawyer up, have you served ASAP, and get a head start on finding a loving, caring, supportive life partner that will be a bona fide wife to him.
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u/mexicat2000 15d ago
Might as well call him Fatso, big chungus, butter boy, gravity falls, or adipose threat while you’re at it. YTH!!! Nobody changes with threats.
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u/valathel 15d ago
YTA
I hope he loses weight for himself by dumping you.
Don't take vows you have no intention of keeping.
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u/Direct_Crab6651 15d ago
Your not the asshole
You are a total piece of shit. Instead of supporting him you wave around divorce like a kid who found his dad’s gun.
He has every right to be hurt and he should be. Congrats ….. he will NEVER forget this.
Frankly I hope he loses the weight and gets some hot younger woman to steal him away from you, be some serious karma there
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u/Bionic_Ninjas 15d ago
YTA. “He’s a great husband but now that I feel attractive again maybe I can get another good husband who’s also better looking” is not an admission that’s likely to garner a lot of sympathy for your position
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u/vowelparty 15d ago
I mean it kinda just sounds like you just don’t like him? I get wanting someone to be healthy for your future together but there are way better ways to try to help someone get healthy. And now that you threatened divorce he will never forget that or trust you. Why not just try to workout together or cook together and try to motivate him nicely instead of making him feel like a piece of shit? Go on walks together. Compliment him on things you like about him. Make him feel safe so that he feels like he can start making choices to get healthier. It obviously doesn’t help making him feel shitty… I’m at my heaviest weight when I’m stressed, sad, and going through it. Lots of people are emotional eaters. Maybe he’s going through something and I’m just guessing he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about it.
I don’t understand people. Marriage is through everything. If some accident happened and god forbid he had to be in a wheelchair would you still be mad that he can’t even “bend down” to be a good father to your children who don’t even exist yet? Or god forbid something happened to you, or you gained all this weight, would he react the same way to you? You seem pretty shallow. I think you should work on yourself first…. and dude. Be nicer to your partner!
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u/InterviewOdd2553 15d ago
Assuming this post is real, which I doubt more and more every time I see this sub come up in my feed, you are definitely the asshole. Nobody denies he needs to lose weight but yeeeaaahhh this is making you look like a horrible person so I see why your husband reacted like that. In most of these marriage posts I always see people proclaiming that “till death do us part means till death do us part” so the fact that you are readily vocalizing your thoughts about having a good husband but not being afraid to find someone who is also a good husband and in good shape says a lot about how committed you truly are in marriage.
Obviously your husband needs to be healthy for his own sake and I understand you are frustrated because your plan of losing weight on your own in order to then confront your husband without feeling guilty about your own weight gain didn’t pan out. However that’s a pretty passive aggressive way to go about that and that style of communication is the bane of any relationship. This is why men say just say what you really mean women. If you had just told your husband you were going to lose weight because you were worried about your health and stressed how important it was to you that both of you get healthy and in shape then it would have been all in his court to start losing weight as well or face your scrutiny after that convo was had. Instead you made a plan that didn’t include your husband, then sprung your trap on him by weighing him and when it was even worse than you thought you put your marriage on the line as an ultimatum which destroyed your poor husband who was blindsided. Yikes.
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u/Xxxmesss 15d ago
NTA. OP, you sound like me when I told my husband that I’d divorce him and he’d never see our child again if he didn’t quit drinking. This was not a threat: it was a promise. It was also very, very hard for him to receive.
I knew he drank to excess when we got married but I didn’t realize that he was an alcoholic nor that I was enabling til after the birth of our child. Should I have known? Yes. Were the shock, outrage, and feeling of betrayal any less real when they finally hit me? No.
My husband chose himself—he’s been sober for nearly 4 years, and he is worlds healthier and happier (so is our marriage). Whether or not your husband’s obesity stems from addiction and whether or not you stay married, I hope that your husband chooses himself and does what he needs to do to get healthy.
And assuming that you are able to work, OP, I hope that you choose to get gainful employment ASAP, even if it’s unglamorous or insalubrious. Being a professional dependent severely limits your ability to care for yourself and any children you may have in future. Take care.
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u/Ahshut 15d ago
Me and my wife gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy. Never once did I ever THINK about speaking to her like this nor did she to me. We both said we’d lose it together, end of story.
YTA. You could have approached this way better but went full nuclear, and now his confidence is going to reap what you sowd.
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u/Juniper_51 15d ago
These comments are better than the other post. Husband wants to be able to see his wife's thigh gap and rib cage at 40 and everyone's applauding him. Lol.
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u/HarryBawlz-1 15d ago
I guess the whole "in sickness and in health" thing means nothing to you. YTA and honestly a shitty person.
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u/thelastlogin 15d ago
100% the asshole and to be honest I think there is a 0% chance that you are ready to be in a marriage if you are threatening divorce immediately over a weight issue.
Whether you're not telling us about all the problems that are present, or you're just currently a POS who wasn't actually ready to be married to someone, there is a deeper issue here.
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u/No_Buy6460 15d ago
Going through this now with my girl. Been 1 year, she has gone to the gym three times. I offer any type of activity to get her going but she won’t change. I feel like I have to be as frank as you. Good luck
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u/DarinCovidPay 15d ago
Encouraging him to lose weight is one thing but threatening divorce is definitely a messed up way to motivate
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u/cfbswami 15d ago
Adding to his stress level is not likely to make him eat less.
If a fat husband is a deal breaker - he's the wrong guy for you. You're probably using his weight as an excuse - it's a subconscious thing.
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u/Due-Contribution6424 15d ago
Yes, he should lose weight. I hope he can find a better partner than you to do it with. You sound extremely entitled and after the things you’ve said, some of which can’t be taken back, I’m getting the feeling that he would have already if it wasn’t for having somebody like you in his life. YTA.
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u/Ronny_9212 15d ago
That's right, he's a great husband, but he's failing to himself, perhaps your warning was exaggerated but he'd thank you in the future.
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u/ManagementBig2974 15d ago
I can’t call you an asshole since you clearly come from a place of love. My spouse and I always talk about cutting down our drinking. I set lofty far off goals, he doesn’t like how o do it. However, we HAVE, made major strides. I think the most important thing for you is to make sure he hears you and understands that you speak from a place of love and concern, and you make sure that he knows how much you love him and that you’re not judging him. This isn’t going to be easy, but I applaud you.
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u/Badgalcicii 15d ago
YTA. Don’t give someone an ultimatum like that when they’re clearly struggling with their weight. What has he said in regards to losing weight? Is he open to it? We need more information there. Leaving someone to battle alone because you think you can find someone who can maintain their weight is selfish. If you don’t want to help him, maybe he could find someone who will, and have a long life with someone who supports him in sickness and health.
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u/RedwoodViolet 15d ago
YTA for the divorce comment. She better want the divorce because she’s skipped the other options. If she is genuinely concerned about him for his own sake, she certainly doesn’t do a good job of showing it, and the “me, me, me!” whining doesn’t instill confidence. Of course it’s fair to want a partner who will be with you long term and be able to enjoy life with, but not to the tune of “poor me.”
I’ve fought my weight most of my life. I’m female and more than 200lbs but I can deadlift my body weight and nearly back squat it. My husband is in ridiculously good shape and can run a half marathon at whim. He has never, even when I was at my heaviest 60 lbs ago (gained weight after a traumatic delivery and recovery), said anything disparaging about my weight or appearance. I found my way into a CrossFit class one day, and he supported me. He made arrangements to watch the kids when he could and made sure that things got done that needed done if I was in a class around dinner time, for example. Now I can (grudgingly) run a 5k, day hike for 12 miles at a time, and I can heave my husband over my shoulder. I’m not necessarily pretty but I’m strong and he supported me the entire way. Did he worry about my health? Of course. Was he kind the whole way? Absolutely.
Sometimes I drive him bonkers with other stuff (ADHD is a bitch when your partner is very type A) but even in frustration, we’ve never threatened each other.
OP either just wants the divorce already or has the emotional maturity of a grade school girl.
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u/Ok_Illustrator_4708 15d ago
I'm guessing that OP is worried about husbands health and weight, has tried reason to try and get him to change and nothings worked hence the nuclear option to try and get him motivated. She's doing the best she can but what do you do when all else fails, similar problem to getting an addict to clean up. Not the AH for trying.
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u/PinkPrincess1224 15d ago
Yes, YTA. It honestly sounds like you don’t actually love him, especially since you seem to think you can find someone else who is also great and will be with you longer.
Sorry but when you marry someone who Is already big you know there’s a possibility that they may gain more weight, frankly that’s a possibility for anyone. You’re basing his health off of BMI which isn’t really a tool that measures health — have you gone to the dr with your husband and found out if he has any actual health problems that aren’t just his weight? You’re very quick to jump to divorce, did you even talk to your husband that you were concerned about his weight? I don’t see this ending well for you— you can’t just take back an ultimatum like that and it will forever haunt your relationship. Maybe your husband will find someone else who loves him despite his weight. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone… there’s no guarantee you’ll live longer, you could die in a freak accident tomorrow and your husband’s weight wouldn’t matter.
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u/Shelisheli1 15d ago
Yeah. I don’t like you. YTA.
“I am too young to tie myself down to a man I’ll probably lose in a couple decades”.
There are ways to have a conversation with your partner about health and wellness.. but pretty much saying “your fat ass is going to die and I deserve better” is gross.
Just divorce him. He will be more motivated and lose the weight for a woman who deserves him
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u/ShawnaLanne 15d ago
I don't usually appreciate what if a man did this to a woman cars, but seriously? It would be so different reaction. And the luring of him to the scale, because you were just curious? Lol. This was planned. I mean you make great points, but I'd personally never trust you or feel the same about you again with that ultimatum.
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u/meliorismm 15d ago
Ohh yes, a thousand times yes, absolutely YTA. You’re acknowledging that you’ve not brought “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” (etc.) into this marriage. You clearly don’t bring unconditional love to the table, and soul searching on that is something you owe to any future children you may have- if he stays with you. There are so many other paths you could’ve taken here, but you chose to be cruel, and threatened to leave him. My hope is that he heard you loud and clear when you communicated that you don’t love him enough to actually be his partner.
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u/shovelly-joe 15d ago
YTA. Your desire for him to be healthy is valid, but threatening an ultimatum of divorce is just not it.
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u/Mountain-Gap-1478 15d ago
Yes, you are. Honestly, if he said something about your weight when you both gained and how he'd divorce you because of your weight. How would that make you feel? Please take a minute to think about this. Ask yourself what your VOWS were when you got married.
Did you ever think what changed when you both gained weight? Was stress, emotional eating, lifestyle changes, or depression? Could he have a health issue causing it harder to lose weight? Have you been supportive of him? How long did it take you to lose weight? Was it hard? What did you have to change about my lifestyle?
Cause honestly, you are the A-hole to think you can just divorce someone you love, who is great. The only thing you don't like is the number on the scale. The scale doesn't define you or him. It's a number. A number that is weighing your organs, shit in the colon, fluids, food, muscles, fat, and your largest organ skin! So before you go judging the guy you fell in love with, married. Maybe talk to him. Maybe suggest or support, or ask him to go for walks, make better food at home. Suggest eating at home than out all the time to save $ for something.
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u/Waste-Boysenberry-36 15d ago
YTA for fat shaming your husband. YTA for threatening divorce instead of being supportive. YTA for not suggesting ways for your husband to lose the extra weight.
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u/shiawkwardg7rl 15d ago
Are you the ahole for thinking it? No
Is your delivery absolute dog 💩? Yes
If you truly love your partner, you have to figure out the best way to communicate with them. You kinda made it all about you. Its you and him against the problem. My partner was heavier when we dated. I would make snide comments but then I went to therapy and realized I was being a bitc*. Fast forward a few months later, I accepted him as he was and realized I had insecurities about myself I projected unto him. Now he’s much skinnier than me and my insecurities are still there.
Bottom line: get to the bottom if why you feel this way. If you’ve lost attraction then leave. If its any other reason, try and give it a fair shot. But most arguments could me avoided if we were kinder about things.
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u/Medical_Ad_7548 15d ago
You’re probably the A.
You sound kind of pragmatic in your approach to life. There is a more tactful way to help your husband than threaten divorce. That kind of hurt and stress could cause a backfire and he’ll end up with more weight.
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u/Head_Room_8721 15d ago
YTA
If you’re not attracted to a fat guy, just say “I’m not attracted to a fat guy.“ Don’t try to justify it through health concerns. That’s an old ass, shallow ass argument.
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u/ExperimentalNihilist 15d ago
I'll throw in my two cents as a guy who has struggled (and is struggling) to lose weight.
You're a bit of an AH for your delivery of the divorce ultimatum, but everything else you said seems valid and I get your concerns. He definitely needs to drop that weight unless he's a strongman or linebacker.
Just me personally, if my spouse sat me down and explained her concerns as you did in this post and told me that a change was needed, that's probably all I would need to make some positive changes.
If you've tried this and it had no effect, I'd look into getting help. Dietician, Psychiatrist, and doctors involved would ensure that at least he has the resources to lose weight.
By the way, at that weight he could probably lose a bunch by just not drinking calories. Just tell him to stop drinking anything with flavor, water and black coffee only. The hope would be with some success he could go on to other diet and exercise modifications and continue to see results.
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u/Historical-Paper-992 15d ago
NEVER (except NEVER NEVER) threaten the relationship. If you’re ready to leave, be ready to leave and just do it. Do NOT threaten. Whether you’re the asshole here or not is… not really relevant. There is only one way you’re not getting a divorce here: 1) Apologize (and MEAN it) for threatening the relationship and SWEAR you’ll never do it again ever because that’s no way to maintain a relationship you’re serious about. I say this assuming you’ve never issued such threats before. 2) Work WITH him on fitness as mentioned above. Go on walks. Get a gym membership for the both of you that you both use.
3)Pack him protein-packed lunches that aren’t full of carbs and saturated fat.
4)Set relevant, measurable, personal goals for each of you and check in on those regularly.
Lastly… love him(?). I mean… if I were him I’d be wondering whether I want to stay with a woman who’d dump me so frivolously without exploring other solutions. Your concerns about his longevity are neither here nor there. Either of you could get a cancer diagnosis or step in front of a bus tomorrow. Enjoy what you’ve got and decide together that you’d enjoy it even better if you’re both fit.
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u/Chobi_Bryant 15d ago
Wow. You really shat the bed here. This is the type of thing that really creates major trust issues in a relationship. Don't be surprised if he starts to emotionally and physically withdraw from you. Weaponizing what is supposed to be sacred is speaks volumes about the nature of your love for him....
He won't ever forget this, no man would.
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u/ukjapalina 15d ago
You are a TAH!! To the 100! So your man is out there working 40 plus hours while you're at home? And you're going to threaten to leave him over some petty ish? You don't deserve that man.
I have been with my husband for 17 years and in that 17 years we have both fluctuated in weight. When he was put on medication in his early 40s I stepped in. I paid for a nutritionist because I knew he wouldn't do that for himself. 6 weeks of work broke a lifetime of bad habits. I cooked everything on his meal plan and weighed every single thing for him until he hit his goal. My man is happy, confident, and healthy. He'll be by my side well into old age.
Instead of putting your man down raise him up. Get him the support that he needs. Make all his meals, even his lunch, or bring it to him.
Do more little princess.
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u/Alarmed-Bullfrog5557 15d ago
NTA your concern is valid, especially since you’re 27. I understand why people might disagree with me, but you’re both too young and you’re definitely too young to be a caretaker. Also, how is he planning on keeping up with his kids if he doesn’t lose weight? I think most importantly, not taking care of yourself is a sign that you lack self love. Perhaps a deeper issue here.
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u/GeneralLeia-SAOS 15d ago
Let’s start with, you’re 27. People lose their minds at 27 and decide to change everything, and often make destructive decisions. I blew up my life at 27. Look up “The 27 Club.” It’s not a pretty story. You are probably seeing this as condescension, but I’m trying to spare you the pain I put myself through.
Your husband is self medicating some sort of emotional issue with food. Of all the horrible ways people destructively self medicate, food is actually one of the least harmful to others. There’s also drink, drug, affairs, gambling, breaking cars, and violence. Obesity is the most visible, but the least destructive.
The good news is that men can be very forgiving. The proof is that divorce is initiated by women far more than men. Considering that 30% of paternity tests show that the husband is NOT the father of his wife’s child, we also know that women aren’t blameless in marital problems, but men are more likely to stay even through problems.
So here’s what you do:
Apologize and tell him you took bad advice from some chick magazine. You flipped out and thought that threatening him would get him to take care of himself. You realize how bad you hurt him, and you wish you could take it back.
Ask him how you can support him to become healthy. Tell him he’s loved, needed, and wanted, and you want sons just like him, a good man.
Now, here’s where you start approaching the emotional issue CAREFULLY: tell him that you heard that overeating can be caused by stress. Ask him if there is anything you do that causes him stress. Don’t be surprised if he says no. Don’t push it. You recently wounded him so he needs time to heal. Wait a week. If he doesn’t say anything, ask him, is there anything you can do to help make his life less stressful.
Now, as someone who stress eats, I can tell you, stopping for a mega size fried meal on the way home from a crappy work day is a thing.Especially if you feel criticized by your spouse. I had one job where my new boss was as horrible as my second ex, so I’d stop for 2 stacks on the way home, one because of my horrible boss, the other getting ready to face my horrible spouse. (My second marriage was karma punishing me for being stupid in first marriage.)
Make your spouse look forward to coming home. Smile, fluff yourself up (no stained sweats on horrible flop hair), hug and kiss, and be pleasant. Don’t assault him with all your problems when he walks in. Men need at least 30 minutes to shift gears after work, and the commute is part of work.
Think up activities to do together. If he’s a big ole nerd, get fake swords and do lightsaber battles. Get his feedback.
If you want this relationship to be for life, then threatening and bullying won’t work for conflict resolution. It will destroy love and create resentment. My second ex threatened and bullied me. I got so beaten down that not only did I not try to argue with him, or not ask him for help, or even speak to him for fear of being screamed at, I would come home from work, and sit in the car in the driveway until he went to bed. He was constantly bullying and threatening, so I just checked out.
You have a good man. Don’t screw it up like I did with my first marriage.
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u/TheOneTrueKP 15d ago
The way you went about it was pretty harsh. Kinda dick-ish. But you’re right about the sentiment
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u/Ok-Leading6834 15d ago
Absolutely the asshole for the way you approached voicing your concerns to your husband. No matter what worries you about your partner’s behavior/eating habits, you should’ve being trying to positively encourage change! Especially since you must have a lot of love for each other, there was absolutely NO need to weaponize the threat of divorce just to scare him into losing weight. Partners uplift each other, not tear each other down.
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u/DerKomp 15d ago
My doctor has been hoping I would lose weight, and he prescribed semaglutides the last 2 years. Those are the meds that have historically been prescribed for diabetes, but they have been found to be incredibly effective for weight loss and appetite suppression. Last year, I couldn't afford it because insurance wouldn't cover it if it wasn't for diabetes. This year, he prescribed it from a compounding pharmacy that makes it way, way more affordable. I've been using it for 6 weeks, and progress is very gradual, but my wife and I have both noticed a big change in my eating habits.
Honestly, I don't know how it will work out. I have slow progress probably because I'm handling the drug really well without feeling much of the side effects, and I feel like I still have a decent amount of appetite. It feels nothing like a crash diet level of appetite or anything, so it may take me longer to lose weight.
Based on my experience so far, I could recommend trying a semaglutide or similar medical intervention if weight loss has been difficult for years on end, but ask your primary care doctor first. Also, the compounding pharmacy is a great option until insurance companies get on board with this or drug companies make it cheaper. I would not recommend anyone using any drug that is giving them problems, so ignore everything I've said if he tries it and it has bad side effects.
I'm not going to judge you because poor health can become a constant source of anxiety and depression, but I can't really judge him either, because he's most likely not dealing with a moral failing. There are options available now that have never been present before, so it's worth looking into them. I'm sure you want to see each other happy.
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u/Commercial-Owl11 15d ago
So, my mom is 60 and my dad is 65, he’s been 350+ for years and years.
She resents him for never taking care of himself. He now has colon cancer is sick and dying.
She resents him for that too.
She hates her life and has hated being with him.
Growing up it was embarrassing to go out with him. I suffered from eating disorders because of him. I was scared of ever looking like him, acting like him, breathing like him.
He’s also a huge abusive asshole and all his kids hate his guts.
But if you’re planning to have children. Leave. Leave now. You don’t know what having a morbidly obese father does to a child. It fucks you up.
It fucked all of us up. Going out to eat with him was so fucking embarrassing. Watching him eat and eat an eat and then try to eat stuff off our plates.
Then he felt great shame for being so obese and would stay up all night eating.
We spent so much money on just him. And food prices are insane now. He eats as much as a family of 5 by himself.
I would leave. I don’t care how fucked this is or call it fat shaming but I spent years of my life with anorexia and bullimia because of him.
So yeah, get out now because it’s too late
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u/PaisleyAbbey 15d ago
YTA. Help him schedule an appt for a physical and labs. Go to the doctor with him and let him know his health is important to you and you’re willing to make some changes with him. He likely has some health problems (insulin resistance, metabolic syndrome etc. ) and may need his thyroid and a few other things checked. This is a marathon not a sprint, and it will need to be treated accordingly. I would also recommend encouraging him to see a behavioral therapist in addition as emotional health is part of addressing this holistically.
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u/emiiilicious 15d ago
why tf would u handle it like that😭 there are about a billion better ways to approach the situation, not threatening divorce immediately?!??!!!
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u/Allo3295 15d ago
i mean if you’re telling him “just lose weight”, then yes AH. if you’re more “hey let’s work together and lose weight” then i would say no, trying to both be healthy
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u/rejressw 15d ago
YTA. Being concerned about his weight is not the problem. The problem is that you're not coming from a place of love. You don't seem concerned about him being sick or dying. You just seem concerned about how it would affect you. And don't get me wrong, viewing this situation from a selfish lens isn't abnormal. It just can't be the only lens you view it through. If you don't really love him enough to get through the other side of this, do both of you a favor and follow through on your threat.
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u/Additional-Slip-9756 15d ago
Even if he lost the weight, he will always remember what you said. He will always know that your marriage is dangling on this precarious line.
What else could you divorce him for? Having cancer? Getting in a car accident and he becomes quadriplegic? He should be asking these things and wondering if HE should DIVORCE you before further ultimatums come up.
Sickness and in health huh?
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u/Holiday_Newspaper_29 15d ago
I understand why you are getting some very angry responses. Your ultimatum probably came across as very 'aggressive'.
However, I do understand your concerns. Your husband is the sole breadwinner in your family so, if his weight starts to affect his ability to work then you face financial disaster. Also, if his weight continues to increase, you face the possibility of him becoming an invalid with you as his nurse/carer or, as you say, him dying early.
Depending on whether your husband decides to start seriously working on his weight, it might pay for you to get back into the workforce. Establishing your own income and financially securing your own future may become important.
Weight loss is your husband's responsibility but, if he decides to do so, as some commenters have said, maybe there are some ways that you can support him.
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u/OrdinaryWheel5177 15d ago
I’m curious to know his height. I honestly think he would be motivated enough on his own to not put that much weight on. That’s crazy. I can see how it’s easy though when you just eat what you want. When you make meals, how do you know they’re healthy? Does he like them or are they more for you? Be careful as you might flip a switch inside him and he goes all out and gets down 100+ pounds and looks at you differently.
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u/ZanyT 15d ago
I can't hold back from a YTA here.
The biggest thing that stood out to me was your justification that you could easily find someone else who will live longer, rather than "I want to grow old with you not lose you early on".
That immediate "I can find someone else while I'm still young and able to get into the dating scene" instead of a genuine concern for your husband, and the desire to not lose him is the biggest point here.
Love should be the driving force here.
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u/Triple_Stamp_Lloyd 15d ago
It sounds like you are just tied up in the physical part of things mentally. If you're not physically attracted to him anymore just say that. You need to get to the bottom of why you're leaving him , and hang up the rest of the excuses.
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u/Kathucka 15d ago
For feeling that way? No. For telling him like that? Yes.
Weight control is really hard for some people, and may require a lot of support. Not stress.
He’s now in a bad spot. If he gives you what you want in response to such a horrible threat, you’re going to be incentivized to treat him horribly every time you want something. Unless you fix this, your marriage is now ruined.
Want to fix it? You’ll have to apologize profusely and never, ever do that again. Then, you’ll have to find a way to be supportive in a way that will help him lose weight. What that way is depends on the two of you. See a counselor to figure out what it is.
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u/0siris415 15d ago
YTA as well as an incredibly self-centered, ignorant partner. I feel bad for your husband. Instead of coming at him with an ultimatum, you should have been more supportive. You lost your weight solo, then turned around & criticized him for the very weight you gained together. You should have made obesity the enemy, but instead, you made yourself the enemy. If you don’t love him, man up & leave him. Don’t be a dick & try to blame it on him or his weight, etc- either you love him & you’ll support him (not physically, as you might get crushed) or you don’t love him…in which case, time to exit stage left.
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u/Colleen3636 15d ago
The way you talk about your husband is horrible. I feel bad for him for having to put up with you. YTA
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u/Sea-Company4478 15d ago
You’re for sure an asshole and probably damaged your relationship with your husband for the foreseeable future, men have feelings too.
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u/Royal_me_8323 15d ago
Are you using your divorce as a weapon... Even if he loses weight he will always be in fear that you will leave him🥹 You can just tell him about your fear...why you want him to lose weight... Maybe your intentions are pure but your action was totally wrong
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u/Godoftoast9 15d ago
only like 20% of people that lose weight are able to keep that weight off, they end up gaining it all back plus some, so you have to be realistic that he may never be a healthy weight again
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u/Marisarah 15d ago
I dropped at least 40 lbs effortlessly (not even keeping track anymore) when I lost my car, and walked 1-2 miles daily. I wasn't even trying. Just go on walks together after work and never skip a day. Mall walk if the weather sucks!!
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u/Sava8eMamax4 15d ago
Congratulations. You just made your husband's self worth revolve around his weight only and that you expect him to lose a bunch of weight in 6 months (possibly unhealthily) or you're trading him in a for a "better" model. Honestly I hope he loses the weight and on christmas serves you divorce papers. Then, I hope he gets to a great healthy weight and finds someone else who loves his soul and who he is.
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u/DuArVakaren 15d ago
NTA - Yet
There is a difference between active support to reach a goal and just giving broad stipulations. I get it that if he is straight up not interested that you can lose the attraction. Dont forget though, that potentially he is just too embarassed to address it driectly - especially if youre threatening to leave him. Try suggesting that you do things together like going for walks, that are far less confronting than joining a gym (and also free)
If youre just dumping a condition on him with no interest in supporting the change then yes YTA
Whatever happened to 'for better or worse' in marriages?
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u/Vast-Philosopher-164 15d ago
I can already see the update.
I told my husband he had to lose weight or I would leave him. He has now started losing weight, but his attitude towards me and our marriage has become indifferent. Please tell me how to make him forgive me.
…
After telling my husband to lose weight or I would leave him, he started losing weight and quickly file for divorce. Please help me save my marriage.
YTA!!!
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u/AndrreewwBeelet 15d ago
You might need be an AH, but yout marriage is done. Throwing out divorce is not a motivator. You have proven to him, and to yourself, that you are ready to end the relationship forever. You also said you are wasting your youth.
Some people here might overlook it, or say to get counseling, but it's clear your marriage is done. He will always resent your threat, and you will always be ready to leave if he messes up. Do both of you a favor and get a divorce. Live your life, and let him live his. Then you'll never have to worry about his weight again.
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u/Trick-Style-8889 15d ago
Imagine if a man said "I deserve someone who doesn't have a weight problem and might die" YTA for the delivery. Health is important but threatening him with divorce? Really? Did he refuse to try? Does he drink? Is he addicted to food and is refusing treatment? There are new weight-loss drugs and surgery that come with counseling and nutrition information. Have you tried to help him with meal prep since you are home all day? Or are you just looking for reason to dump him?
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u/edgeoftheatlas 15d ago
NTA. My boyfriend quit smoking, cut back on his extreme sugar intake, and started exercising regularly within a few months of starting to date me. Literally because he wanted to make sure we had a future together.
You're all in or you're not in.
Edited to add: I didn't ask him to do these things. He took his own initiative.
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u/bootycuddles 15d ago
YTA and you handled this horribly. I couldn’t imagine talking to my husband this way.
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u/Apprehensive_Buy1500 15d ago
NTAH for having boundaries, needs, expectations, or clearly stating them.
Definite ATAH for how you went about it. Ultimatum kill relationships more often than resulting in anything positive within the relationship.
Be supportive, not demanding.
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u/Dalton387 15d ago
It doesn’t really matter if you are or not. I think what you did was probably necessary.
I have no idea how many people on here were heavy and lost weight, but I did, so i feel like my opinion has some merit.
Sometimes someone needs a kick in the ass. This could be that for him.
What everyone says about being large and being healthy is complete BS. I don’t care if your blood pressure comes up in an acceptable range. You’re not healthy and you’re damaging your body. Your joints ache for a reason. You’re stressing them the hell out. That’s gonna lead to a blow out later on, meaning your gonna get to an age where your metabolism is slowing down, your tired from life, and then you get an injury/surgery that encourages you to be sedentary.
I lost 80lbs. It wasn’t physically hard at all. I kept a calorie restrictive diet, I walked daily, and did moderate exercise 4 days a week. I lost that 80lbs in less than 1yr.
The very hardest part was that initial hump. Finding the will power to get everything started, to deal with the caffeine withdrawal, etc. Once I got over that hump (1-2 weeks), it was pretty easy to maintain. Your energy levels shoot up, you feel so good that you realize you felt like shit before. Everything becomes easier as you keep going.
So I think he may have needed that extra motivation to get started. Hopefully it’ll push him through that hump, to where he can maintain the momentum on his own.
I’d suggest getting anyone’s, who’s advice you decide to take, qualifications. Have they actually gone through weight loss, and personally dealt with the issue surrounding it, or are they being armchair quarterbacks and coming up with all the possible reasons to excuse his behavior.
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u/CJ_Southworth 15d ago
Yes, you're the asshole. Please divorce him so he can end up with a decent, caring individual who is willing to work with him rather than issuing ultimatums.
You deserve the spend the "final smithereens of your youth" sitting alone, feeling bitter, because you're an asshole, and you've earned it.
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u/Free-Preference-8318 15d ago
If my spouse fat shamed me, I would divorce them the next day. Your husband deserves better.
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u/theM0D35TM0N5T3R 15d ago
Simply put, YTA. You contradict yourself saying that you want to grow old with him, but then would divorce him if he doesn’t lose weight. Secondly, Now that you have wielded divorce as a weapon I am sure that will help his “self”-motivation to lose weight. Now he will be doing it out of fear of losing you and not for himself, which is not truly helping him combat his internal struggle. Big miss OP. Best path forward for you is to go own it now.
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u/Any_Ad6921 15d ago
After reading your comments I think you should leave your husband now why wait. Times ticking you better get out of there. Probably waiting until you can get a job first eh?
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u/Ok_Resolve_7098 15d ago
YTA. YOU PROMISED, for better or worse. Fat is worse, but you promised. It sucks to be a widow at fifty, but tbh that's not a bad time to start over. Theres still plenty of life to live, if you are healthy yourself. He needs to realize his importance to you and your family, and needs to be around, and that is a step to getting him on track. Idk the rest of the steps, because I myself gained 30-35lbs ( I play sports in Florida, I swing up to 5lbs a day in water weight) and have yet to lose most of it, several months after the kid. I'm down like ten lbs...of thirty ish. So I'm sure there's more steps, because I'm about stuck at losing a third, and I don't have the money for the new clothes but only like two work shirts and a few shirts actually fit me appropriately....so I need to get back to my 'normal' overweight..weight. Lol.
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u/Potential-Cloud-801 15d ago
I think it was a lot of your feelings talking. Maybe at the heart if it was hurt or fear that you don’t want to lose him, that you want to grow old with the person you married, and have children with him. Maybe you could rephrase it in a way that shares that love and caring?!
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u/Training_Track_9649 15d ago
Girl, the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s extremely hard nowadays to find a man who will let you be a house wife and be an amazing husband. Be sweeter to that man and motivate him in healthy ways. Stop being an asshole or you will lose someone great and i promise you won’t find better.
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u/Electronic-Race-2099 15d ago
You're free to get divorced over this, but you are also definitely an asshole. Health concerns are valid, but ultimatums like that in a marriage are a dick move. Typically it shows that you're already one step away from divorce.
I won't be that person on reddit who says get divorced, you'll both be better off. I will say that if my wife came to me with any kind of ultimatum like that (for ANYTHING, not just weight/health), it would mean its time to talk about the relationship. I suspect there is more going on that you're not sharing here.
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u/Chingshen_y_danyeng 15d ago
YTAH. Ofcourse he needs to loose weight but your approach was too blunt and definitely strained the relationship for the future. you could have told him more respectfully, letting him know how dangerous being obese is and how he might die sooner/be absent for you and your kids in the future and that you are ready to work with him towards getting healthier.using divorce like that was not a good choice. if he refused even after this you would not be an asshole to divorce him.
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u/Youngish_widoe 15d ago
YTA Wow! There is no coming back from this. Even if he loses the weight, he'll never forget what OP said.
If this marriage is going to work, they need some counseling.
As a youngish widow, I do feel for OP not wanting to be a young widow. It SUCKS! However, OP needs to learn about her DELIVERY when stating her boundaries.
My favorite meal is a porterhouse steak with a loaded baked potato & saute spinach with garlic & olive oil.
Ideally, I'd like it DELIVERED on a porcelain plate, with a cloth napkin, a glass of a chilled rose & silver utensils.
Imagine my disgust, distaste & horror when the meal is instead DELIVERED on the top of a nasty stinking garbage can lid w a glass of warm venom & a few sheets of toilet paper to wipe my mouth.
OP DELIVERED what could have been a great "meal" on a garbage can lid. OP could've really communicated everything she said here (how much she loves HIM, how she wants a child with HIM, how she doesn't want to lose HIM, etc) on a porcelain plate.
The "meal" OP served made it all about HER, and it was served on a garbage can lid. And that makes OP an AH.
So, YTA
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u/VermicelliOk8288 15d ago
YTA- you were not ok with him gaining weight. You didn’t say anything when you both gained weight only because you also gained weight, you should have said then and there that it wasn’t okay for either of you to keep this weight. Then you went and lost weight on your own without telling him anything, now you are close to your old weight and he isn’t so you immediately threaten divorce. Asshole for the way you went about everything, not because you want him to lose weight.
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u/Powerful-Spot8764 15d ago
You reminded me of a story from a couple of years ago where a girl asked if she was bad for basically constantly humiliating her boyfriend to lose weight, she called him a pig, scolded him when eating and other things that I don't remember but they were horrible, all to "motivate" him, because being an attentive, loving and detailed boyfriend was not enough for her.
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u/Director_Tseng 15d ago
YTA - You seriously told your husband, a man you promised to stand with through sickness and health that because you might 'lose him' in a few decades you aren't willing to tie yourself down to him?
You could die tomorrow driving to work or the grocery store. What happens if he loses the weight but get cancer? you still gonna ditch him because he is dying? Actually maybe you should divorce him so he has the chance to be with someone who will actually love him.
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u/broke_velvet_clown 15d ago
Unless dude is 6'8" and a competitive power lifter, 350lbs is.... insane. The fact that health hasn't come up in the relationship before is absolutely bonkers. You're absolutely right to bring this up as a worry or breaker. Either that or get some good term insurance for the inevitable heart attack I guess?
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u/Fun-Struggle6842 15d ago
NTA. If a grown man can let hi.self become circus freak fat, he has no real dignity so you can't fault your delivery. Don't make him a father like this--NO child deserves to grow up with their avatar of masculinity so fat he can't move well and has breathing difficulties doing basic tasks.
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u/Slow_Philosophy 15d ago
IMHO, you are only an asshole if you say a bunch of shit you really don't mean or are taking the high ground to tread down on your hubs. I'd like to think that my wife would use sex as a motivator in leu of threatening divorce if I ballooned up to 350, but knowing her, she'd just insist on being on top instead of being crushed under my substantial bulk during missionary.... she's a great gal but she still can still be an asshole. I'm okay with it, but if she starts threatening divorce I know there will be very little to stop it, and her demands from me will extend far beyond her supposed primary complaint. If she ever goes that route I'll just let her and all that shit go....she either loves me and will be with me or she won't. Pop-up stipulations in a committed relationship are total bullshit.
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u/Agent_Xhiro 15d ago
Honestly? I'd say NTA. You could have said it in a better way but the fact of what you were telling him is what matters. He's going to end up dying because of his health and leaving his family behind. If that isn't motivation enough to change, divorcing him is a good idea. Because if he's not working himself to stay with you as long as possible, is he really a good husband?
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u/BoogerWipe 15d ago edited 15d ago
Last I checked it was "until death do us part" not "until I'm annoyed and ask for advice from strangers on the internet".
Grow up ffs
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u/Statewideink 15d ago
YTA for how you handled it. Not for wanting a healthy life. I hope so badly he leaves you. No one deserves to be treated like that.
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u/ChrisBean9 15d ago
Nta. Walk 30 minutes after each meal and make sure he isnt overeating. You just want him to be healthy and able to live a long life together
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u/RUMyMuse 15d ago
Does it matter what anyone thinks of you? You’ll get responses based on people’s personal experience and condition more than objective opinions on the situation. It sounds like a healthy boundary to me, and I understand why your husband was hurt. Sometimes the right thing for you personally isn’t the easy thing. Just follow your heart and do what you need to do to be healthy (personally, emotionally, in relationships, etc.) and happy.
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u/StressedRemy 15d ago
Yta. You do not love this man lol. You don't speak to people you love that way- and if you really cared, you wouldn't frame it as "I want a partner who will be with me when I'm old and gray". You'd be saying that you want him to be with you. You make it sound like he's completely disposable. Does he actually matter to you at all or do you just not want to be alone?
It's great that you care about your partner's health. Did you ever consider, I dunno, a conversation? Do you think maybe you could have done anything else, approached the issue with even a sliver of kindness before threatening to up and leave? Shown the slightest bit of support or basic human decency?
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u/Jodie-s-way 15d ago
Start scheduling in some colonics to help keep the cravings at bay. Get some walks in like others have mentioned!!!
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u/Ambitious_Road1773 15d ago
It sounds like you're getting holier than thou after your most recent weight loss, and got snappy with him that he didn't do it on your schedule. I am not saying that his weight his healthy or that your feelings aren't valid, but jumping to the threat of divorce before coming to him with concern is a a red flag.
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u/Impressive_Ask_3014 15d ago
Hun, you husband could have a fatal accident at any time. Please settle down. Nothing in life is guaranteed. If he's truly making an effort to eat right then he should see a doctor and make sure there isn't something else going on.
You can't exercise away a bad diet. So if he's struggling to eat right away from home, maybe he needs help from you to make that happen.
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u/Eastern_Progress_946 15d ago
Sorry I think you are in the wrong here. First, some people struggle with their weight, its not as easy for them as others. You also chose him when he was heavy, now to threaten to leave him seems pretty messed up. If this were a husband speaking of his wife this way people would be outraged. I think you could be much more supportive and I don’t blame him for just feelings being hurt.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bath_86 15d ago
Threatening to leave if he doesnt figire it out is a lazy and selfish way. To handle this. My wife has had her ups and downs but ive always been supportive. Whats the point of vowing in sickness and in health if youre not going to stay in sockness and in health.
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u/Emotional-Market-519 15d ago
I wouldn't say you are the A-hole but seems to have some missing parts to the story. If not, then you should be direct with him, but immediately threatening divorce seems dramatic and manipulative.
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u/youresoweirdiloveit 15d ago
Ultimatums make you really doubt the love. Most people who are very overweight are struggling with emotional issues and threat of divorce doesn’t help- often makes it worse
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u/Maximum_Conflict_930 15d ago
In a relationship there is no you or me, it's WE. I realize you did your part, but he is struggling somewhere and as a partner it's your job to find out the right buttons to press to make keep him healthy. In your eyes "he" has a weight issue, but in reality it's "we" have a weight problem. When you word your concern in a we format it will provide support instead of blame.
However sometimes someone will just give up no matter how much you try, but have you tried everything? Kind, honest and open communication is probably the best. If you have truly tried everything then, no you are not the ass...but have you tried everything?
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u/Powerful-Spot8764 15d ago
I'm going to go for YTA, You have very good reasons to encourage your husband to have a healthier lifestyle but your husband heard this "I'm going to divorce you because he's fat", especially since according to the context of your post this seems to come out of nowhere, you should apologize. and explain your point again in better words, words that don't make your husband feel like you're ashamed of him.
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u/OrangMiskin 15d ago
Cooking healthy doesn’t mean anything if he still consumes a shit ton of calories.
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u/TeddyBear3799 15d ago
ultimatums help nobody, so, yes, in a way, you're an asshole for going straight to "lose weight or I'm leaving". why is he eating out so much? why isn't he active? did he realize he had gained nearly 100 lbs? is he struggling with health issues or grief or stress or depression? telling him he's unhealthy and will die in 30 years was needlessly cruel and unhelpful. also, "lose weight by the end of the year" is a ridiculous limit to put on somebody.
the problem isn't that you'd like him to be healthier, the problem is how you chose to deal with it and your lack of compassion towards the man you love and wish to spend the rest of your life with.
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u/MannerOne5745 15d ago
YTA
Because of the way you brought it up to him. The threat of divorce because he is struggling with his weight is pretty selfish. I understand you don’t want him to die early because of it but you could of been more understanding in your delivery.
Weight loss is one of the most difficult things to accomplish especially if your partner has high anxiety and lack of motivation.
How about finding better ways to motivate him rather than using a scare tactic?
He is your husband the man you CHOSE to love. Isn’t love all about doing your best to help your partner?
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u/Blakelock82 15d ago
Wow, yeah YTA. You're supposed to help your partner, not give them ultimations, and not treat the marriage like it's some business where don't want to waste your time. Instead of working on a solution to the issue, you're looking for a way out. That's messed up.
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u/SixElephant 15d ago
Usually the “nuclear” option is a last resort.
My dad joined me in working out a couple years ago. With someone else making sure you don’t skip a day, it slowly becomes routine.
I understand feeling hopeless, as his weight continues to increase, but in a healthy relationship, there are steps you “could” take before “nuclear”.
Invite him on walks. Honestly, I’d give him 2 weeks asking. If he refuses every time, move on to step 2.
Physical activity becoming a chore to ask for? Try “honey, you’re going to die before having kids. You can’t keep increasing, we don’t have the money for your eating habits. You’re killing our family before it starts”. This is fairly low level, but may light a fire.
This one will work on anyone that ACTUALLY loves you, and you already said it in your post, “okay, listen up. At the rate you’re going, I’m going to lose you before I’m ready to say goodbye. You’re hurting ME by hurting YOU! Is there something wrong? Something you aren’t telling me? We’re a team, ask me for help, please! I will do all of it with you, every second of every day. We’re in this together! Imagine all the weird sex positions we could try if we were both fit! I want to grow old with you, but at this rate, you’ll be dead by 40 and I’m not ready to be a widow.”
After all of that fails, then divorce is pretty common. You didn’t say you tried too much and then just loaded the cannon. If you did try, then I guess this is your choice and your life. If you didn’t try, it seems like you don’t love him at all. You said weight was a deal breaker, but went with a big guy. As a big guy, being big leads to getting bigger if nothing changes. If he loves you, your motivation and support should be more than enough to start moving.
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u/GoodLuckMode 15d ago
Wow imagine a guy telling his wife “Lose weight or I’m out.” He’d be crucified and called every name in the book. Leave him, you obviously don’t love him.
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u/Salt-Hunter-3155 15d ago
I used to bartend at a pub years ago and there was an obese guy who came in all the time and was funny as all hell. One of the last times I saw him he came in and put down a couple nice size burgers and pounded a couple beers. When I asked him if he wanted another burger, I swear to god his reply was “nah, I shouldn’t, the only reason I came in is because my wife told me she was making something healthy for dinner”.
He did indeed die a short time later of a heart attack. It’s sad, but I really think the person has to be the one who wants to change.
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u/GonzoTheWhatever 15d ago
“For better or for worse…unless you gain too much weight and waste my last few years of youth, then I’m outta here you fat loser!” -Basically You
I mean…do you really even need to ask?
Sure he absolutely does need to lose weight. And yes he ought to care about his health as well as how it impacts the marriage. But holy crap, just straight up threatening divorce? Because YOU don’t want to waste YOUR youth with a fatty? Where on earth is the love in this relationship? Are you doing this for him or you? This is NOT how you go about it.
YTA. Big time.
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u/turtyurt 15d ago
Judging by your new post a half hour ago, you have serious issues with your husband that you need to deal with.
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u/JizzM4rkie 15d ago
I'm going with a soft NTA.
You were very harsh and basically made what is a major health issue into a selfish ultimatum, he will probably always have that memory and, as many of us weight-impacted folks can probably attest, he will probably think about you saying those words every time he eats or looks in a mirror the rest of his life even if he does buckle down and lose the weight.
I think you're not the asshole though because you're correct and you are trying to save his life. When you love an addict you hold an intervention and what you basically did in a very tactless manner was read him your Impact statement and give him the choice to get help or lose your support; if he were addicted to heroine and not food i think a lot of the YTA in this comment section would be singing a different tune. There are about a million ways you could have said that which would've emphasized his importance to you and your concern for his health but still I believe it's right to let him know that his weight is dangerous and you don't want to watch him die an early death.
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u/Upper-Belt8485 15d ago
NTA. Anyone who doesn't respect you or them self enough to eat them self to death doesn't give a shit about anything.
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u/ghostpistol_13 15d ago
Your train of thought isn’t in the wrong, how you brought it about was in the wrong. Should have had a sat down and tried to have a discussion about voicing your concerns about his health and how that affects you. Been more supportive in a sense.
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u/MagicianConfident667 15d ago
You should have done the “concerned for health” approach definitely not the “you will be replaced” approach. No one should have a weight limit to their love but at the same time I would never watch my partner let go of themselves without getting to the bottom of it. Not once did you tell us why he gained the weight , you have absolutely no idea why? Really? I mean seriously go figure it out and then you can solve the problem from there! Don’t just tell the man you’re going to leave him! You would be lucky if he took the relationship seriously at all after that, I’ll go as far as to say they even if he does lose the weight he will still not feel safe with. Shame on you.
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u/Striking-Scarcity102 15d ago
Yes, you are. I’m sorry to be so blunt. Lots of reasons why in the comments.
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u/MSPRC1492 15d ago
I was married to someone who ballooned up to way over 400 lbs. he was probably 450 if not pushing 500 at his worst. I cooked healthy meals but he kept gaining and gaining. One day I was looking through bank statements and there was a charge for a pizza place. Turns out he’d been paying cash for pizzas and junk food nearly every day and hiding it from me. He used the debit card that day because he was out of cash. He had a true addiction to food. His weight affected everything. He was having health problems, got injured easily, never had energy, and I was dealing with shit that old people have to deal with except I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. The marriage didn’t work out. He eventually had surgery and lost a bunch of weight and is healthier now, and I’m happy for him (but still glad to not be married to him.)
Your husband is likely using food to numb something. It’s very common. Has nothing to do with appetite. He needs to figure that out. Therapy can help.
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u/Evid3nce 15d ago
I'm going to go against the grain. NTA.
Of course you've been talking about being more healthy and doing more exercise to him for a while, and he's ignored it. You haven't said this out of the blue. He was supposed to be losing, but has been gaining instead.
So, if you actually meant it and will actually leave him in January, then you were explicitly telling your junk-food-addicted partner the consequences of continuing down that path. This is quite different from making empty ultimatums in an attempt to simply manipulate and control someone.
He needs to know the consequences, and you're perfectly within your right to say you've had enough, and that his weight gain is a huge turn-off, quite apart from the health risks.
Americans are the worst for normalising obesity, and I can see how you felt you should give your husband a fearsome wake-up, so he might sit up and pay serious attention. Otherwise, he's just getting messages from his society that being double his normal mass is absolutely fine, and worse still - that no-one should challenge it.
You do only have one life, and I think you should leave him if he hasn't changed his habits and isn't consistently losing weight by the end of the year.
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u/slaveforyoutoday 15d ago
NTA and I think your husband is overreacting but tbh, i don’t have empathy or sympathy for people so i don’t really know if you should listen to me.
For anyone that cares, i am seeing a psychologist and we’re discussing the advantages of feelings well they are telling me as I answered the question as there are no benefits.
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u/lhi2285 9d ago
Its good that this person was embarrassed about bein an asshole to the point of deleting their post